I am also disappointed with someone whom I love. He can continue to escape facing certain issues for the rest of his life in the name of this, that and that and even holiness. I really hope to see him for the last time to have a closure. Somehow, when I muster up much courage and am ready to have a closure with him by seeing him for the last time before he leaves my life completely, I do not see him. OK, I have already been honest with my feelings towards him. He can continue to escape for all I care. He can continue to survive on praises, superficial relationships with others, dependent on others for survival so that he does not have to slog, flirting around and accompanying women day and night, singing to them, etc. Hopefully, in the future, he will not complain again that he is lonely and he will not hurt other women and use them as his instruments for his loneliness and ego boost. On my part, I have been honest with him. It takes a lot of courage for me to be honest with him about my feelings as I have to take high risk of getting insulted by him and betrayed by him again. If he has decided this is the kind of life he wants to continue, so be it. I give him all my blessings. I hope that he will not have unspoken words, unexpressed feelings and unheld hands when it is time for him to meet the Lord.
I went for a jog in the last morning. It was time well spent. I sweat all the stress out. It was a breezy nice weather. After jogging, I decided to sit near the field to enjoy God’s breeze of Love sweeping across my face. I did some meditation there. It was so therapeutic. When I looked at the magnificent sky, it only reminds me of God’s infinite mercy and generosity towards all of us. It is never ending and my eyes can only see part of the sky as much as my eyes allow me to. Then, I went to Starbucks for reading up. Currently, I am reading a book on Art Therapy. The topics I was reading this morning were the artwork done and the art therapy sessions with suicidal people. It helped me to gain insight into suicidal people and I believe I am better equipped to advise people who are suicidal in the future. I tend to bump into all sorts of people in my life. Some of them are suicidal. They may ask me for advice. So, it is good for me to learn more about such topics so that I can help them if they approach me. I am still halfway through patients with Schizophrenia. I have a relative who is suffering from it. She got it when she was in her late teens. I really sympathise with her and yet there is nothing for me to do to help her. I hope to learn more about it so that I can understand her better. I have always loved the brains and psychology of people. Don’t ask me why. I am just very fascinated by such subjects. My morning spent was educational and therapeutic one.
I was supposed to volunteer at the Singapore Deaf Association with a friend in the afternoon after my jog. I wanted to rot at home and back out going for it as I was feeling bad inside with things going through my mind about that person whom I love. Somehow, there was a prompting to ask me to go for it. So, at noon, I changed and went for the event. It was a meaningful event. I met Christ through the helpers and the deaf people. I was helping out with the preparation for the Charity Walk for fundraising for the deaf. Ever since I left church, I miss working with others in the community for the good of the less fortunate. This charity work was a platform for me to work with the others. It was collaborative efforts with a few schools, polytechnics, companies and volunteers from the Singapore Deaf Association and the deaf people. It was a beautiful experience where the normal and the deaf people came together to make this event a successful one. Though I did not know the students from the polytechnic, we worked together to pack the goodie bags for the participants. Then, I helped out at the deaf client registration counter. I could not understand their sign language and had to ask my friend to translate it to me most of the time. Generally, I am glad that I managed to help the deaf people to get registered for the walk. Though I did not understand their sign language, I felt honoured to work with them. All of us did our parts to make this event successful. Hopefully, they have raised the necessary funds for the Association.
After the registration at the Association, we proceeded to the Big Splash along East Coast beach which was the ending point for the walk and helped to distribute dinner to volunteers and free gifts to the kids. The students and companies set up a few stalls for the mini carnival. Though nothing fantastic, it was a pleasant experience that we came together as different parts of Christ with our own talents to raise funds for the Deaf Association. I see Christ in everyone, including the deaf. Yes, even the deaf. Though handicapped in some ways, they have shown me they are just as capable as anyone of us in contributing to the society. Nobody is too useless and worthless to God for any contribution to the society. It was a nice weather. At 8pm plus just now, my friend and I went to sit along the beach. It was nice and breezy. My friend and I shared about ourselves. I got to know her better. It was nice of her to treat me to dinner and invited me to help out for this event. She was Christ to me. Maybe, Jesus knows what I am going through within me and he wants me to rest and relax through such relaxing experience along the beach since the sea never fails to help me to relax. I thank my friend for being Christ walking along the beach chatting away with me to the bus stop to go home. I really felt that Christ was walking along with me through my friend. My friend was beautiful because of the kind, loving heart in her for the deaf. She has been helping out at the Association for more than 10 years. She is a smart but humble lady. I see the quality of Christ in her.
I enjoy doing such community work. I really miss the time when I reached out to people with a loved one. We shared the same faith. Each time after the cell group meeting, we would always share our feelings and thoughts with each other. When either of us was unhappy, we would be there to approach each other and encouraged and cheered each other up. We would complement our talents to reach out to the others. Often such collaboration was powerful with our differing gifts and personalities. We did fight at times but we reconciled in the end. It is meaningful to reach out as an individual for the good of others. To me, it is more meaningful and fulfilling and joyful to have a partner to reach out together with me so that when I or he cannot cope, we can pull other up or take over those cases for each other. There is also this intimacy and sharing with depth which an individual cannot have when reaching out alone. Well, the sharing can still be done with friends but to me, it can never be as deep and intimate than sharing with a lover with the same faith. When I pray for a partner, I pray for someone with the same faith and must be stronger in faith than me so that he can lead me as the Adam and we grow together as one. Together, we reach out to the others with our differing gifts and personalities as one and yet we share such intimacy based on the foundation of Love while others benefit from our help out of Love. Such synergy is powerful to have rippling positive effects to transform lives. If I am blessed with a family, I would expect my spouse and my children to serve others out of Love. Even before we reach out to the others, our faith must be strong as a family so that the different gifts out of my family can have powerful synergy and more powerful impact on the society sharing God’s Love with the others.
Ok, I need some quiet time for myself today. I need to come to terms with the harsh reality that I am just an instrument for my loved one’s ego boost. I really hope that he is facing his true self this time and has the courage and love to be himself. I really miss him alot and yet I have told myself not to disturb him. He is leaving soon and yet I can’t do anything about it. I can’t even see him. I can’t even celebrate with him. He is very important to me. When he first came to our camp site early in the morning, I realized he is the only person I feel secure and not sick of seeing his face daily. Not because he is good looking. He gives me a sense of home which nobody has given me before though I enjoy him as a big kid loitering around me at times. I just trust him despite many women around him. Somehow, when I see myself, I see him at times. I do not know what to do with my feelings inside and simply just swallow them. I really pray for a new relationship with a new start, a partner with strong faith, who has the guts to be who he is and honest with his feelings and dares to care for me directly, who loves me as who I am and serves with me for the rest of our lives together and grow as one.
Elena
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