I am a plate of Rojak

Do you know what rojak is? It is salad dish of mainly pineapple, cucumber, turnip, tau pok (fried beancurd) and you zhar kway (deep-fried dough sticks) freshly mixed in dark prawn paste with sugar with a sprinkle of crushed peanuts (sometimes pre-mixed with the prawn paste). No matter where I go, I feel like a rojak. There are pros and cons depending on how I see things. I am often assigned tasks of diverse nature.

For instance, in church, I could pray like a prayer warrior like what someone had mentioned to me. I could help out at the kitchen washing dishes. If not, I could be selling things. I would mix with both elderly and young people. Good for me in a sense that I enjoyed variety of activities with people of diffferent ages and backgrounds. Not so good in a sense that I hopped around without forming deep friendships as I did not stay long enough for bonds to be strengthened. Well, I have mentioned that I have left the church. But, I did enjoy myself mingling with people despite the politics. I really enjoyed the times when the youths would come to me and confide in me one to one whenever I was doing my own reading. I would always feel very honoured that they gave me the priviledges to listen to them. I wonder how they are getting on now under the new leadership. Really miss the fun in church. Really miss having breakfast in church on every Sunday. Though I am outside church now, I cannot deny that I miss the church. But, due to my nature, I have to stay out in order not to create troubles as I often have troubles fitting into very structured environment. I had done my best to stay out of troubles. Somehow, I will still get into troubles along the way. I have no confidence to stay in church anymore. All I can do is to stay out so that nobody is hurt by me again. I really miss the Eucharistic celebration. During each celebration, no matter how distracted I was, I would always feel that deep sense of peace and joy which no other places could offer. I could really feel Jesus merging as one with me to revitalize me to face the harsh world each time after I had received the communion. That explains why I would feel very angry whenever anyone abused the Eucharist or rushed through the celebration. It is meant to be savoured with delicate taste. Ok, I am out of church liao. No point looking backward. I have to look forward since I have made the decision to get out of it all.

At work, I am a rojak again. I am assigned with a task of coming up with creative presentation for a seminar. Really feel like fainting as my predecessors had set the standrad very high and I have to create something of higher standard. Moreover, I was told that the monster expects much more this time with the fact that she is a perfectionist. Frankly speaking, I am not a creative person. I am only creative when it comes to creating troubles. Other than that, I would not think that I am creative. And yet, time after time, no matter which organization I go to, I am always assigned with some creative jobs. When it comes to admin, I have to do. When it comes to event organization, you see me again. When it comes ot IT, I am in it. When it comes to budget, I am involved too. I think other than washing toilets, you will see me everywhere. I am a plate of rojak again lo. I wonder if it is my nature to be so diversified no matter where I am or what I do. More OT is coming my way. My colleague told me she had to stay till 11pm to finish her work at times. I think I am also going to be no better since most of the roles will be thrown to me. I am not sure I can handle them or not due to my health issue. I guess since the monster is confident in me, I should have some confidence and give my best shot though I know my health and social circle will suffer in the end and I may end up lonely. If I can get through this, I will have a bright future ahead. I am aging and have to work doubly hard to establish my career. I did not have the luxury like most of my other colleagues who could afford to go universities for higher education where they are trained to do higher level of thinking and work. Instead of lamenting and complaining, I have to speed up alot faster learning the skills and working at the same time while trying to meet the unrealistic expectation of the monster. I do not believe in staying within my comfort zone and complaining without doing anything. Change is tough and uncomfortable at first. But it is essential for growth. Personally, I do not respect people who stay within their comfort zones waiting for people to feed them or complaining without trying to improve themselves to overcome the issues. Worse still, some of them even choose to stay in their comfort zones though they know very clearly that those places are no longer meant for them anymore and yet they still hang on to them with all their lives without any courage to face themselves and to move out of them to lead life to the fullest. I will never want such person to be my spouse. I often believe that if I cannot even respect a person, I will bully him if I marry him. If I look down on him in any ways, I rather break away from him and let go of him no matter how much I like him as I can forsee myself looking down on him for the rest of my life if he continues to stay within his comfort zone or complain without improving on himself. I will never change the person with my own will according to what I desire him to be. If he does not change, we will end up in divorce. So far, when I handle relationships, I ask myself if I can accept him as who he is with his flaws. If I can't, I will let go.

Going to have sleepless nights again. Wah lau, I have aged alot because of this job. How can I not age fast? Turning 33 in 2 weeks' time. Sigh! Hopefully, with the start of 33 years old, this new chapter of my life will be better.  Hopefully, I will not die at 33 like Jesus. But, our death is different in a sense that Jesus died in glory for the sins of everyone out of Love while I die in stupidity with exhaustion out of ambition out of slef centeredness. One thing I have learnt is no matter how rojak I can be, I need a home. My niece, nephew and sister have been staying overnight in my house for a few days. I really enjoy them in the house. Somehow, whenever I kiss my baby niece and nephew before I get out of the house for work, I would always feel this sense of security and peace. No matter what, they are only my niece and nephew. I wonder how it would be like if they were my own children. I guess it will be different. From such experience, I have a little sense of home. Home is not just a house as a refuge to go back to after facing the harsh world. It is also a centre of security to anchor a person with a sense of purpose and peace no matter how rojak a person may be.

The other place where I find peace is worshipping places like churches and temples. There is a temple opposite my workplace. I was passing by the temple. Somehow, when I heard the bell gonging, I felt a sense of peace. Out of curiosity, I went in. I could throw the worries outside the temple and manage to quiet my mind for awhile. I really yearn for such break. Before leaving the church, I used to go to church daily to do my reading away from the world after work or when I was unemployed. Not escaping from the world. Rather, the church was a place for my sensitive nervous system and senses to rest. Even being there doing nothing was a joy for me as I could feel more prominently God's presence. Sometimes, some people would come to me for advice. I really felt very fulfilled and peaceful there. It is a great loss for me to lose this place. I am looking for a place for me to enjoy this kind of peace away from the noise of the world.

Ok, have to go back to study my work before I start on those intensive projects. Hurray! I am going for my vocal lesson starting from 13 June onwards to destress myself. People around my age are mostly married. So, I am trying to find ways to do things that I enjoy myself without anyone. Oh, I am also going for my Art Therapy session on this coming Tuesday.  Really need to find outlets to express or vent what is inside me. If not, I will be thrown out of balance like the monster. Her presence is helpful to me as it serves as a reminder to keep myself balanced and not ending up like her if I were to stay single in my 40s.

With Love,
Elena

Do I love the people as who they are or use them as my tools?

Have been drained by my orientation programmes for the past few days. It's more tiring than my work itself. It is still a roller coaster ride at work. Previously, I have mentioned that some roles were taken from me. All of a sudden, they are all returned to me within hours. I don't know what to expect next. Anyway, I have preempted my family that my job is not stable. It is better for them not to depend heavily on me financially. I will contribute what I can until I am asked to get out of this organization. I am taking things easy nowadays. An invitation has been sent to me to go for the 3 days of triduum and feast day. I wonder if they know to whom they have sent the invitation. I think since I am out of church for months, I will continue to stay away completely. It does not matter whether I go or not. All the people whom they expect to be there, they will make sure they will be there. I will expect the same old people to be there. So, my presence is not important. I will continue to stay clear from church. I have stayed clear from the relationships that are meant to be stopped. So, I am only in contact with 2 to 3 people who are my friends. I will just pray for my parish when the feast day comes. Anyway, I am comforted to know that my parish is back to its vibrancy. It does not matter to me what has happened in the past. I am concerned with what is going on in my parish now. I do not know much about the Catholic circle now. All I know is my parish is back to its vibrancy and harmony. I am really thankful to the current parish priest and his assistant priests to put in so much hardwork to bring the vibrancy to the parish. I am aware that most people there may have misunderstood my disappearance from the church thinking that I am in another parish. But, I no longer care. I just hope that they will work hard together to build the community up and guide my youths correctly. That's all I care about.

Most of the time, I do not keep in contact with people once I leave the places, be it my workplaces or parishes unless the people take the initiatives to keep in contact with me. I do not believe in hanging or clinging on to people. That is how I work. That works against my advantage as it means that I do not maintain my friendship in the long run. For me, I will just make friends wherever I go. Of course, it is painful to let go. I guess over the years, it is much easier for me to let go since people get in and out of my life suddenly. Recently, I am even thinking that if the family issue persists, I may have to move out of the house to improve on the situation. My family disagreed as my health has been bad and they were worried I may not be able to handle alone outside. But, to me, if needed be, I am not afraid as I have handled things alone for many years. I always like to look at the big picture and assess the situation and see which approach may be the best to that situation, sometimes, even to the extent of going against the norms and what people think.

Since very young, I have come into contact very often with people who use others as tools for their benefits. I can't believe it that my first encounter with such people was with my classmate in Primary 3. Since then, I have bumped into many people of such who get me into troubles or even break my friendships with the others. I am not saying that whenever I get into trouble, it is always the other people who get me into it. I also get into trouble due to my wilfulness. Somehow, I pick up nuances of what is going on behind people's action or words quite quickly and accurately. Most of the time, I will keep it to myself. If I keep on seeing the same people using others as tools to get what they want, my face turns black and I will avoid these people before I blow up. Sometimes, other people think that I get angry for no reason when actually I am just sick of seeing these same people using others as tools to get what they want. Only when I can't take it, I will just confide in very close friends.

Some of them are even worse. It is as if when they put others down, it will show how great they are when it actually shows the ugliness within. They will hurt these people whom they know will not want to hurt them. Some people will tell me they are just being blunt. But to me, being blunt is not an issue. If a person hurt others with his words by being blunt, the more it shows his inner state of being. It is very easy to tell who treat others like the children of God like themselves or as tools to get what they want or boost their egos. For instance, when a person loves, he will gently point out the areas of improvement in private with the people concerned and give constructive advice. When a person treats others as tools, he will insult them with harsh words in the public and praises himself and acts superior through his body language. Normally, he will use others as tools to bring attention to himself. Christianity is not about tearing people down but to help building people up. My recent encounter is some friends have criticized me harshly on my appearance, right to my specofic feature. If not, they seem to be gloating over my bad experience at work and keep on telling me my boss might employ me at first because of my big boss above her and she thinks she has employed the wrong person as I am not as brillant as the scholars in the organization. I get upset not because I can't make it. But, I just do not understand by putting me down, what good does it do to these friends of mine? Does it mean that they are any smarter? Does it prove anything? Anyway, these friends of mine fail in their careers. I do not understand why they want friends to fail like them, then they will be happy. I do not remember I have ever gloated over their failures as I do not think it is fun to do so, neither does it show that I am smarter than them. I know how it is like to be put down. I do not wish to do the same to them. So, why are they doing this to me? If my friends succeed, I am more than happy for them, man.

Maybe, I am pretty tired of such people. I know I am being judgemental and I am not any better. I am praying to God to help me handle these people. One thing I have learnt is I must stop being so judgemental and keep on reminding myself that I am also capable to be like them. I also have my own flaws. I must keep reminding myself that everyone needs time to change and all of us are in the process of growing, including me. By being judgemental, I am showing my arrogance within and can be easily self righteous.Sometimes, I get irritated by these people as I can feel how inadequate or insecure or tortured they are inside and I do not know what to do and how to deal with what I have sensed inside them. I think that is when I need to surrender them to God and ask God to help them. Maybe, all is required from me is just prayers for them and leave the rest to God.

Well, I have moved on with my new life, whether good or bad, I must hang on. Some of my church friends find out recently that I have left the church. It does not bother me what they think and I know some of them have been circulating rumours behind me which I happen to know. But,. it does not matter anymore. Ironically, I feel more peacful leaving the church as I do not have to handle all the pretension, rumours, 'fanclubs' members, etc. I no longer have to face the pain of my loved one acting or pretending what or who he/she is not. He/she can do what he/she likes. It is no longer within my hands. I can only hope that he/she is really happy living in that way for the rest of his/her life. Life is more than that. They can continue to do what they want. Hopefully, they will wake up one day to treasure what they have and give thanks for all the blessings. Ok, more and more high level of work is thrown back at me again. Good news in a way as I know I won't be unemployed for the time being. My priority now is my career. Other than that, nothing is more important than my friends and family and God. As for church, I think I may go to the protestant churches to explore further. But I will continue to keep out of Cathoclic churches to stay out of trouble. No matter what, I will keep close to God. If not, I know I can survive alone. So, my mind is to earn more $, $ and more $ to get myself out of entrapment and help my family.

With Love,
Elena

More than what I can handle by myself if not for the Invisible Hands

Just come back from my shopping spree with friends. One pair of shoes cost more than $100 even after discount. It is a pair of leather shoes for guy. I took the smallest size for myself as I feel comfortable in man's shoes for office wear. I can wear them for years. So, come to think of it, it is still economical lah. I am getting more and more materialistic. Well, at least, I am satisfied during those moments. If not, I will go crazy. Of course, these items can never be compared to God. I am still aware that God is still in my life to carry me throughout my life with His Invisible Hands. If not, I could have killed myself when I was in Sec 2.

My life is kinda meaningless now. In my heart, I know I am handling issues more than I can handle. When I am busy, I do not feel it. But, when I am alone in the quiet night, it becomes overwhelming. But, I know I am not alone. If I am left alone, I would be writing this blog entry at IMH. I know God's Invisible Hands are still carrying me through. During weekdays, most of my daytime will be at work facing that monster. Nobody knows when she will flare up. Frankly speaking, I am very aware that I cannot fit in. The culture in that department under the monster is too rigid. I do not know how to be creative and flexible with a lot of restrictions within the small box. Maybe, I am not as brillant as those scholars who can still be smart and creative within that small box. I am lost. I feel like a wheel trying to fit into a box. Even writing an email becomes a fear to me. I hesitate alot before sending each email. I did not have that problem in my previous organizations. But, somehow, I am fearful to even send an email now. What has happened to me? I know I am going to lose everything in July. That will be my 'best' birthday gift, man. I know the monster is going to find an excuse to get me out of the organization. My colleagues told me she is only interested in staff who are scholars and witty and eloquent which I am none of them. Shit lo...

However, during her absence, a few of us who are young staff in the department came together to have a heart-to-heart talk with one another. All of us are sharing the same sentiments that we have been swallowing bitter pills which are damaging to our health. One of them wanted to throw her resignation letter a few times but she tried to keep her cool. She hated it when she realized that her character has changed for the worse under that monster. The other one simply swallowed all the bitterness and frustration and his self esteem was affected. At least, I am not alone to face the monster. God's invisible hands carry me through them. They support me in my work and encourage me at times. We share our thoughts and feelings from time to time, sometimes with our reporting officer who is feeling the same way. God's hands have also come in by promoting the monster so that she will be seated in a room away from us, reducing the tension in the air though she is still covering my department. My colleague is nice to show his care by checking if I am alright. He even conforted me and asked me not to feel inferior for not being a scholar. I am quite touched by his words and care especially when he, himself, is a scholar. Well, I did mention to him that I am not inferior at all for not being a scholar as compared to them. It's just that I need more time to brush or pick up certain skills as I have not gone through higher education where higher analytical and writing skills are taught. I have to work and learn such skills at the same time. But, the monster does not allow that and expect me to be on par as the scholars. I know I can't make it during these two months of review by her from the indication of her removing my roles. I am taking it easy. I will just continue to learn from the reports that they have written and learn as much as I can before I leave. All I can do is to do my best and leave the rest to God.

After work daily, I will return to the 'hotel'. Why do I use 'hotel' because I do not feel it like a home? It is just a place for me to rest. One family member struggles harder than me while the other two just want money. Whenever they come near or open their mouths, it is about money. Not enough money, still want to dump our money into the sea of 4-D and Toto. I am simply very tired of this 'hotel'. Sometimes, I just want to run away once and for all. I am very tired of handling them almost throughout my whole life. What have I done wrong to deserve this? They never plan for us. All they want is money. No love at all. The more money has been contributed to the 'hotel', the more I do not have decent meals at home, the more money they demand. If unemployed and happen not to have money for them, it won't be long before I am known as unfilial. So, my reputation is gone long time ago. What happens to me outside, nobody knows. Care is given only when I faint right in front of one of them. Why must they have to wait till I faint then care is given?

The Invisible Hands come in that 'hotel' as I still have siblings to mingle with and suffer together. They do care though we are not really close. But, we do share thoughts and feelings with one another. One of my siblings asked me to leave the 'hotel' to venture elsewhere. If not, both of us will 'die' together. Well, I just can't dump him like that. He claimed that I just need one more step to get into university and for him, he will take at least 8 to 9 years to get in. So, it is more practical for me to leave now for further studies and come back when I earn more money with higher education. I know his well intention. But, I just can't run away like that. At least, I am comforted that he cares. He will sometimes rent Hong Kong drama serials for me to relax and I appreciate that. But, I really don't know how to get him out of being squeezed.

I am also struggling something deep within. This is the third time I am doing it. My mind is still going strong but my heart is pulling me in the opposite direction. The first time I did it was when the person was seriously ill with her long term rare disease. I cut off all communication with her with the advice of her spouse. She tried to get near me but I ignored as I wanted to cut her off so that she did not have to handle me as I knew I could be very difficult and stressful for her to handle. I thought that was the best for her. Who knows I made a big mistake? She had never given up on me and even left me with some legacy which I used up for my Polytechnic education. I have to live for the rest of my life with regrets. I thought that by cutting her off ruthlessly, she would let go and forget about me and lead her life happily with her family. But, she had never given up on me and her spouse had told me to go back to the same church at the same time weekly where I saw her fornightly. She came near a few times but I chose to ignore her even though my heart really wanted to speak to her. Who knows that is the greatest regret in my life? She passed on after I had told her spouse I wanted to write her an apology letter but before the letter reached her. To aggravate the situation, according to a professional counselor years later, a teacher counselor from my school advised me wrongly and my guilt turned into remorse. It took me eight years to recover and get over it. The Invisible Hands came through this professional counselor at Polytechnic who was also a Catholic set up a simple altar and brought me through the grieving process and had a proper closure.

The second time I cut off a relationship ruthlessly because he was too close to me. He was one of the Invisible Hands who brought me through that period of grieving process which I have just mentioned. He was my 'brother'. In the end, I felt we were too close. At that time, my health was really bad, fainting once in awhile and was emotionally unstable. He went through a lot of pressure with me. I could get through that period of time because of him. I could see he was a promising man. So, I wanted to stop the relationship to go deeper and I cut it off ruthlessly. He was hurt. Till now, he refuses to acknowledge me when he sees me outside. I did not mean to hurt him. At that time, I was diagnosed with a serious disorder which has been realized to be a misdiagnosis by the specialist recently after 12 years. I was afraid to be a burden to him and I did not want to hinder him from going for a better woman who could give him happiness. I have not regreted giving him up as I know he is very succesful in his business now. I am not sure if he is married but I believe he will marry a good woman. I am only sorry that I was too harsh in my letter to him to break the relationship. I am still thankful that he was one of God's Invisible Hands to get me through that tough time of grief.

Now, the third time of breaking away is very hurtful and difficult. I also don't know why. I have been cutting away completely from the big group. I even stop going to place which I used to hang around daily just not to be reminded of the times we had there.  I have even stopped reading some materials which I did weekly. I literally give up everything just to do what I think is right. I am not sure if I am right. By the fact that he is leading his life with joy with a lot of people loving and supporting him, I think I am doing the right thing. At least, he does not have to slog like shit and get abused outside like me. I see potential in him getting promoted and I do not want to hinder him. I keep on telling myself everything has been my wishful thoughts and slapping myself with he has never liked me. Somehow, my heart is pulling me in an opposite direction. I keep on feeling that he is very near, even when I was in Hong Kong and it freaked me out. For God's sake, I don't even see him at all and even break all forms of communication and even stop reading anything from him. Why do I feel he is near? It's so difficult to get him out of my heart. Since when has he become so deep in my heart? To me, out of sight, out of mind. I do not know what has been happening to him as I know he is well taken care of since he is so well liked. Since I have no worries for him and know that he is getting on very well and joyful with bright future ahead, why is he still in my heart?  Why do I keep on feeling that he is very familar when he is already my history and I am also his past? Sometimes, I think my heart is evil wanting me to take control of my strong mind to sin. The Invisible Hands come in the form of my daily meditation on the Scriptures during weekdays and daily prayers. They also come in the forms of my friends who accompany me from time to time. Sometimes, I just can't take it handling so many issues and the most diffficult one is this issue where I have to keep on slapping myself with he does not like me at all and I am thickskinned to have wishful thinking and reminds myself how nasty he used to insult and treat me whenever he creeps into my mind. Hopefully, as time passes by, he will be out of my heart and stop creeping into my mind. I will never want to ruin a loved one's happiness and future just because I like a person. I will seek all ways to cut off for that person to live in joy. I know I can do it. My 'mummy' in heaven knows I can do it. God knows I can do it. Tough and painful but I am trying to break off completely. Hopefully, I am doing the right thing by cutting off completely. I know his life is much better without me. He has forgotten me. I believe if I am meant for marriage, God will bless me with a man who loves me as who I am, as a part of himself and goes through thick and thin with me. I am not being noble. Though I am not sure how he is getting on now, I know that he is well taken care of and he is going towards his bright future ahead. I just hope that he will live with joy and meaning with the others while appreciating and loving himself as who he is. I still believe in him till now. I also thank him in my heart that he has made a great impact in my life and touched me deeply.

Ok, time to sleep liao. If not, I will become a panda when I go to work. Not sure where I am heading to though my future is bleak and I am going to lose my job. I believe God has His plan for me. No matter where I go, God's Invisible Hands are still carrying me through it all.

With Love,
Elena

Reflection of the Gospel Reading on the 13 June 2011

Mt 5:38-42

Some youths have ever asked me before if everyone were to pray and just do nothing to correct the wrongdoings of a person, especially a leader, when will the wrong things be rectified? At the back of my mind, I was thinking definitely, Jesus is not asking me to ‘offer no resistance to one who is evil’ at the expense of being abused. Rather, my question is even if I confront those people at the time, especially leaders, are they ready to listen to what I have got to say or will they become more resistance against to what I have got to say, taking what I have got to say as an attack? Am I talking to them to prove that I am right so as to be self righteous or am I there to improve on the situations and help? Is it God’s time for anyone to speak up yet? Am I even the right person to be called by God to speak to them about the issues?


I am not saying that I do nothing about the situations. There is time for everything. If the other parties are just not receptive to what I have got to say, I may worsen the situations. Sometimes, I got scolded for not speaking up and seemed to be bullied. My reason for not speaking up despite accusations is not due to the fact that I do not have the guts to confront the people involved. If this is what you think, you are absolutely wrong. Test my guts and you will see the results when it is time for me to speak up. It’s just that I do not want to aggravate the situations and get more innocent people involved. I do not try to win people to my sides as that does not mean that I am right. Besides, by confronting the very people who have accused me, it does not help if it is done at the wrong time. Not only are they not receptive, they will be angrier, distorting all my words of concern as a personal attack to them. Is that the result I want to see?

Over many years of hard lessons, I have learnt when to keep my mouth shut where it seems that ‘Should anyone press you into service for one mile, go with him for two miles.’, being a coward. My purpose is not to win but to wait for the right time to speak up. Sometimes, being confrontational does not help. Wait till both parties calm down and wait for the best time in clarifying issues with clear mind and calm heart will be wiser. It is not about winning and to be superior over the others. It is about how to address the issues so that my relationship with the other parties may improve though not all people can be our friends. But, at least, we do not bear grudges against one another. Being a Christian, is all about being the face of God to the others. God is Love. So, my whole life is a process to becoming a better person who loves more and more like Christ. If Jesus’ teaching is all about winning, he would not have slapped himself by asking us, ‘When someone strikes you on your right cheek, turn the other one to him as well.’ He is not asking us to be idiots for others to abuse us. But, he is asking us to love by being forgiving and not calculating who forgives more. He will definitely protect us if we are obeying him and that calls for faith. Sometimes, I may seem like a fool to the world that I keep quiet and get bullied. But, I am not. I am just waiting for God’s time for me to speak up when the other party involved is ready to listen or it is God’s time for him/her to listen. It is better to be a fool for a moment to the world so that I am wise in the eyes of God. Well, I am still in the midst of exercising self control over my quick temper at times so that I learn to be a calm person to handle situations and difficult people with wisdom and maturity, learning to forgive others more at the same time.


With Love,
Elena

Small things with Great Love

I was quite pissed off by the mistreatment case of an elderly stroke patient at the Nightingale Nursing Home. I am not sure other than that patient, whether other children or elderly folks will suffer the same fate in those homes. To me, I have never agreed to send any of my loved ones to the nursing homes. I get very frustrated and worried when I was told that my grandfather is sent to the nursing home. I am not sure how he has been treated since I am not there for 24 hours daily. I thought that my grandfather was settling down quite well until I heard from my father yesterday that the doctor warned the caregiver to change his bedsheet as he was bitten by the bed bugs all over his body and he has this stomach condition which my mum told me in Mandarin which I do not understand. The worst thing was my father told us there were flies settling down on my grandfather's legs which nobody cared.

Wah lau, what the fuck! I really feel like calling my relatives and scold them. How will they feel if their children are going to throw them in nursing homes and not care for them? I keep my cool in order not to add more stress to my father. My grandfather was supposed to go for his medical appointment yesterday. The caregiver was shocked that my father did not know about it when my father happened to be visiting him. Sigh! What the heck is that! I really wonder what kind of life my grandfather is leading now! Why is my family so poor? If not, we can bring him back to our house and take care of him. I am simply sick of all these issues about my grandfather. Have they forgotten that this person is their father who used to take care of them and bring them up? Has he ever thrown them to children's home? Has he ever mistreated them? All they know is to side the richer siblings. This is not the time to have sibling rivalry lah. Without my grandfather, would they have existed in this world and enjoy their lives till now? It is very sad that my grandfather has been cursing and scolding away as he is not a person who will complain much. This shows how much frustration and anger he has in him staying there. I will never ever claim that I understand how he feels unless I stay there for a week.

What is this society becoming? Old folks should be treasured by all of us as they used to contribute to the society in various fields and in their own ways. Without them, we could not have been enjoying the growth and prosperity out of their hardwork now. My colleague and I were discussing on this issue just now. We realize that children are given much more attention than the elderly folks. Maybe, most people may think that children have many more years to live and can be groomed to contribute to the society while the elderly folks are just there waiting to die. Is this really the mentality that most of us may be having?  Within my family circle, I also heard recently about three family members who are falling very sick in the family while the son is enjoying his life with his wife and children, abandoning his own sickly parents and sister who is not sound to work. His pay and his spouse's are high. He is supporting the parents of his spouse, his spouse and children. He even confessed that his spouse's money is meant to be saved to have better life later as he does not want to end up like his parents. He still had the cheek to scold his mother when someone from MCYS checked on him as the victim was trying to get financial assistance for her family. This is real story. My mum called to listen to the victim and comforted her.

I seriously don't understand what people are thinking nowadays. While some elderly parents are abandoned by children, some parents take their children for granted not caring if their children can survive or not. They just want money, money and more money even if their children cannot survive in the future. I can't help but sometimes lose hope in the world. I question God what these issues are all about. It comes to my mind that it is due to the fact that we take people in our lives for granted. We may not have the thankagiving hearts what others have been doing for us and we simply 'forget'. How many people remember that if not for the hardwork of our forefathers and parents, can we still enjoying what we have today, including the families we have set up?  We may complain about things and issues in Singapore. But, which country is perfect without any issues? Policies just cannot be created to please everyone. But we can never deny that we still have roofs over our heads. This country is still safe for us to stay in. All these comforts we are enjoying now would not have been possible if not due to the elderly folks who had contributed to the society when they were young.

Things are interconnected. The hardwork from the people in the past produce the comfort and prosperity that we are enjoying now. What are we contributing to the society now for our descendants to enjoy or suffer in the future? The values and damages that we contribute to the society now will affect the standard and kinds of life our descendants are going to have in the future. If we continue to take our parents for granted or vice versa, our children will do the same things to us since we are their role models. This society will become very cold and harsh. Do we want a society where everyone fights against one another just to get what he wants? Do we really want to have a society that is so disintegrated and more homes have to be built to throw more old folks or children in? For people who are more money-minded, it will not benefit them too as more taxes need to be raised to support such welfares and homes. It will lead to more social problems requiring more counselling, psychological help, hospitals and even prisons.

Better wake up before more shocking news come along the way. God has created us to love, not to destroy. If our existence is meant to destroy one another, why even bother to create us? I don't really believe in karma since I am a Catholic. I only believe in the fact that what goes around comes around. The each thing that we do or say will affect some people no matter what. Our words and behaviour will have the rippling effects on the others that will continue to be passed down if things do not change along the way, whether negative or positive. I think the recent shocking news such as young people committing suicide, maid being murdered and thrown into the water tank, elderly stroke patient being mistreated without dignity at all, etc. are signals that the society is getting sick. It is up to us if we just complain and take on the passive roles of  observers and forget about these matters after the news have subsided or we take the active roles of waking up in our lives and see what we can do to improve on the various social issues in our little ways.

Christ is in everyone of us. How we treat others, especially the less fortunate and ourcast and lonely ones, is how we are treating Christ as depicted in Jesus' reply to the righteous man, ''Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me' when he asked Jesus, ''Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? When did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? When did we see you ill or in prison, and visit you?' (Matthew 25:37-40).  No matter how we defend our negative behaviour and harsh words, we can lie to the whole world but not ourselves and God. That is why we have conscience.This is what it means to be pricked by our conscience whenever we know that we hurt others with our thorns of words and actions.

Is there anyone who is poor, abused, lonely, abandoned, sickly, etc? These are the very platforms for us to share God's love with these people. By serving them, we are serving Christ too. Open the eyes of your heart and 'see' clearly where you are called to serve. What you give will definitely never be more than what you are going to receiving with joy and peace deep within in manifolds since while you are serving these people, you are serving Christ who will bless you with rewards which others can never snatch away. Everyone is capable of being a blessing to others no matter how insignificant the contribution you think it may be as quoted from Mother Teresa 'We cannot all do great things, but we can do small things with great love.' Never belittle the small little kind things that you do. God bless.

With Love,
Elena

In the Loving Arms of God

Despite the whirlwind around me, I still feel very blessed at this point of time. God is still protecting me and watching over me. My prayers have been answered so far. One of the prayers answered is that monster is away from the office for 10 days as she is on MC. Not that I am gloating over her MC, it's just that at least all of us in the department have a break away from her. Hopefully, after her 10 days of MC, she will not be too stressed out and not throw her tantrums on us often. At least, for these 10 days, I can have my peace in the office without any tension from her physical presence here. If not, I will always feel tensed up absorbing all the negative 'aura' as I am sitting nearest her. At last, my nervous system can take a break and relax. Anyway, I just need to endure till the end of June as she will be moving into a room since she is promoted. This is another prayer that God has answered. I guess He really knows how much my department and I can take it from her face-to-face daily. If she moves into the room, we would not be shot by her by being noisy, eavedropped or for our ringing tones or any other matters where it is convenient for her to step out of her cubicle and pick on us and scold us within very close proximity. If she is in the room, I don't think she will have the time and energy to walk all the way to my department and scold us. So, her move into a room is a win-win situation for all of us and her though she still covers my department until a person comes in to take over from her.

I was doing my reflection and meditation on the Scripture this morning. After that, I went on to read a spiritual article by Fr Ron Rolheiser at http://www.ronrolheiser.com/. He will update his blog weekly on every Monday. He is one of the rare spiritual writers who still captures my attention and motivates me to read his blog entry weekly for my spiritual enrichment. The article I have meditated on from him for this week is poetic and romantic that seeps right into my heart, titled 'Listening to Christ's Heartbeat'. Somehow, this article touches my heart deeply and I experienced the love of God through this article. I feel that it is just like God's love letter to me. It is a wonderful experience to have such loving encounter with God deeply through such an article. I truly understand and appreciate such quiet time with God as how Fr Rolheiser had put it in his article 'By touching the center of our solitude, we sense that we have been touched by loving hands.' I could sense God's 'loving hands' embracing me, giving me such peace and warmth through the article this morning which no other people has given me before. And, for this, I truly believe in the working of the Holy Spirit as I open myself for the Holy Spirit to lead me freely through this reflection on this article. Miraculously, I could go deeper into thanksgiving to Jesus who has been walking with me and being grateful for the prayers that have been answered so far.

Jesus has been walking with me through the faces of my loved ones and friends. The only times when I am alone are the times I believe God is asking me to spend some time in solitude with Him to stay in touch with my being as a child of God. This solitude from time to time is meant for me to recuperate and rejevenate myself through such solitude with God for His gentle healing power to heal me for me to be more complete and stronger to face the harsh world. Without such 'loving hands' embracing me through such solitude, I will be thrown off the tangent with so much distraction from the world. Other than the solitude, Jesus has been walking with me through the faces of my supportive colleagues, friends and loved ones. God has sent Jesus to guide me to walk the Way, the Truth and the Life. These colleagues, friends and loved ones have been going through thick and thin with me. Sometimes, the love from them can be tough as it involves warning and scolding me for me to wake up before I sin. I am really thankful for those scolding and warning out of Love to protect me and help me to be a better person. I thank them for willingly scolding or warning me despite the risk of getting scolded by me since I am a person with quick temper. I always believe that true friends are those people remaining behind with me to walk through life journey with me, especially during bad times. I am glad that those people who do not love me as their friends or loved ones are out of my life. Well, I still continue to encounter nasty and difficult people. But, I have the comfort that things in the world keep on changing including bad times. This also implies that nasty and difficult people who do not love me will also leave my life one day. Bleak moments will also be over. It is just a natural cycle in life. Even economy follows such natural rule going through cycles of booms and recessions.
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The issue is we will never accurately predict when these booms and recessions will come and go. I guess that is the mystery of Love that strengthens our faith. We do not depend totally on ourselves to get through life since we do not know when the ups and downs will be coming and going. However, if I have strong faith, I will always have this glimmer of Hope through the conviction of Jesus' victory over death no matter how bleak situations may be. I just need to trust in God and stand firm that Jesus is guide me through my life. I need to hang on to God tightly for the ups to come back again. The down times are meant for me to slow down and spend more time with God while trying to make conscious efforts to pull myself out to the world to be with the others trusting that Jesus is walking with me in the world whereas the up times energize me to go full force into sharing God's Love with the others through my more frequent interaction with the others and work and even play.

No matter what, ups or downs, regular quiet time with God is very important. Only through quiet time, then I am able to listen to that still little gentle voice deep within me and enjoy God's whisper of tenderness in the air. My faith is not strong all the time. Sometimes, I do not even feel like praying and doubt God's existence. However, the fact that I am living, it means God is still at work for my breath is God's breath of Love blowing into my nostrils. I am receiving teh gift of life from Him as long as I breathe. My life, itself, comes from God. It is evident that the world is created by God for the fact that science still cannot explain everything in the world. Over the many donkey years, scientists have been making new efforts to explain things and discoveries. but some of them tend to contradict or go against one another. For certain matters, no scientists has any explanation so far. So, what does it imply? That is the mystery of Love. How can the mystery of Love at work be rationalized and explained completely? If not, who the heck would want to fall in love if romantic love is somehing that can be explained with cold logical mind and predicted? Human beings, somehow, just like certain elements of suspense or mystery or surprises to spice life up.

Ok, enough of shairng. I am using office hour to blog. Whahaha...Of course, wrong lah. But, nothing to do until a meeting in the afternoon. Things are going very slow at workplace until my reporting officer and that monster come back. Meanwhile, I take my time to do some filing which I dread the most and some reading up on reports to improve on my report writing. I am not sure if the monster is going to sack me after July since she is reviewing me for these two months. Most probably, she will find some excuses to let me go since she is taking roles out of my jobscope. I will just do my best and leave the rest to God. Have not exercised for months liao. Time to start exercising. Also very excited. Going to see an Art Therapist on this Saturday afternoon. Damn far away in Buona Vista. Most probably, will go there after morning exercise. Wonder how it is like to go through Art Therapy. I have also signed up for vocal lessons. Not going to be a singer lah since I sing like slaughtering chickens. Just like singing and picking it up as a hobby for me to have an outlet for my energy and pent up feelings. Meanwhile, also seeking help from James Cook University to see how I can get financial assistance for the Psychology course. See how lo. My future is very bleak with my family situation. I am still trapped. I wonder when I can get out of it. Never mind lah. See where God is leading me to. I know He will never abandon me. So far, He has been blessing me no matter how dark my situations may be. He is light. So, God shines at its brightest during darkness. It is up to me to lament over the darkness or to seek the light in the darkness lo.

With Love,
Elena

Blessing in disguise of my ugly appearance

Have just come back from a wedding dinner. My gosh! It slipped off my mind completely until my mum reminded me of it just a few hours before it. If not, I could have gone out and met my friend. I am really getting old liao. Wow, I have been attending wedding since my early 20's. Can't even recall how many weddings I have attended. I will always feel honoured to be invited to join in the celebration with the couples. At the wedding dinner just now, I was asked by people when it would be my turn to get married. I just shook my head and told them I would not want to be tied down by anyone.

At the back of my mind, I was thinking I would only get married if a spouse gives me the space and freedom I need other than spending my life to grow old in Love with him. I am really scared to be tied by anyone. Even all the principals and teachers could not tie me down in the past. I got into troubles from time to time in school and some of my teachers were amazed by how I could get out of troubles each time. If it were to happen to other students, they could have been expelled. I am not smart. Somehow, I just managed to get out of troubles. Even my 'mummy' whom I love the most could not tie me down in school. I am dreadful of people trying to tie me down or keeping tab on me or following me wherever I go. I remember there was one guy friend who told me he was trying to keep tab on me so that I would not get into troubles outside. I got so mad that I scolded him.

I don't mind getting into romantic relationships. But, things always go haywired whenever the other parties try to tie me down or control me in any ways. I hate it and will definitely scold them whenever they ask me where I am out of keeping track on me. When they come too close for my comfort, my first reaction is either to shoot them very harsh and hurtful emails or to run away without a word. I also hate people doing things behind me. If a person wants to care for me, care for me directly. If he does not have the guts to care for me directly, then don't even bother to care.  I also don't like to be closed in a room for hours. I remember some church people tried to assign me the task of praying in a room for hours. When I refused to, I was accused and judged harshly. Instead of understanding why I refused to take up the task, they judged. Little do they know that I can never spend hours in a small room. I did not want to make promise of taking up the task, knowing that I could not fulfill it. I will only take up a task only when I am confident of fulfilling it. Even cars like lambourginis look nice and trendy. I love the speed. And yet, I simply can't stand to be inside if I have a chance to do so because I feel like I feel suffocating to be enclosed within a small space.

I am not sure if a person like me can ever get married or not. I am just a bird without feet who can never settle down. Even when I visited my teachers, they would gave me that expression of relief upon knowing that I was working somewhere. To them, I am always wandering. One of my lecturers was damn cute. He told me whenever he saw me in Polytechnic, he always thought that I was free. Then, I joked with him by telling him, 'Of course, I am free lah. I am unemployed mah.' He slapped his forehead with his hand explaining to me when he mentioned I was free, he meant I was free spirited to him. Somehow, he is the not first person telling me that. Am I really free spirited? I am not sure. I just know I would not want to be tied by anyone and any stupid rules which people follow blindly. I will follow rules only when they make sense, Somehow, I love travelling. God has created the world so big and beautiful that I think I have not lived life to the fullest if I die before exploring the places. I have been travelling with friends most of the time. I travelled alone when I used to go on business trips. Somehow, I prefer to travel alone. It is more convenient. I am always fast on my feet. So, if I travel alone, I would not have to worry if my travelling companions can catch up with me or about their safety. If anything goes wrong while travelling alone, I am the person who bear the consequences and will not drag anyone to get into shit with me.

I am very blessed that I am ugly. Why do I say so? Being ugly, I would not attract attention from anyone and I can conveniently travel to wherever I want. My ugly appearance makes it more convenient for me to travel freely. I do not like to draw attention to myself. In fact, I do not need any praises to survive. I feel very awkward whenever people praise my look as I think I have failed in terms of appearance according to the worldly standard. A beautiful appearance will only have more eyes on me and more guys to pursue me. It is troublesome to be beautiful. If I were to be rich one day, I will never go for any plastic surgery unless I have a freaking horrible accident which disfigures my face so much that it scares people. I am happy with my looks and I believe God has His purposes for giving me such appearance. I am a Hainnese. According to many people and friends who tell me straight to my face,  Hainanese women are well known for their ugly looks with square shaped faces and large boned body structure. I accept it as it is and I will still not go for plastic surgery. I feel hurt not because I am ugly but because as my friends, they choose to hurt me with words. A sensitive and considerate friend will never insult his/her friend no matter how ugly he/she is. Eversince when love includes insulting or hurting friends and loved ones with words? Anyway, by telling me I am ugly, what can I do with my appearance since I am born with it?

In fact, I am blessed to have such ugly appearance. Why? If a guy really marries me, I know that he really truly loves and accepts me as who I am but not how I look. He has looked beyond my ugly appearance to love me as who I am. Neither am I rich nor smart. I am a Diploma holder who cannot even write proper English or pronounce words accurately from a poor family. I am nothing. If a man is willing to marry me, knowing all my flaws and background with my ugly appearance, I am convinced that he truly loves me as who I am. Most men would prefer spouses or girlfriends with attractive appearances or capabilities or wealth for them to bring out with them to boost their egos to the others. My ugly appearance gives me less worries that a man marries me for my looks which my more attractive friends would have to worry about. Till now, no man has ever turned his head to look at me for my appearance for just one more second. So, I do not have the troubles of attracting guys or eyes with my appearance. I am glad to be unnoticed so that I am free to go everywhere.

If I do not get married by 35 years old, I will just go to a studio and take some photographs of me in wedding gowns. I may seem tomboyish and can't be bothered with my appearance. Actually,  I can be quite vain and want to see myself in wedding gowns. I really want to see how pretty or beautiful I can be in such wedding gowns as I have never seen myself pretty or beautiful in appearance till now. Women, no matter how they look, will always miraculously look very radiant and beautiful in wedding gowns. Why do I choose to take photographs of myself in wedding gowns and not getting married after that? To me, by 35 years old, I will start to have wrinkles all over my face and body. Beyond 35 years old, I will be too old to be in wedding gowns no matter how beautiful or well made the wedding gowns are. I really want to have nice and beautiful photographs with my spouse as memories for us to look back after many years of marriage. Some women still look very beautiful or pretty beyond 35 years old. But, I am definitely not one of them. Now, I have started to have wrinkles over my face and I am putting on weight with big waist and hip. My legs are getting more and more similar to pig legs. By 35 years old, I will not only have ugly appearance but also flabby arms, fat waist and hip and legs with a lot of wrinkles.

Well, I accept it as part of the ageing process. If I am not married by 35 years old, I will just continue to be a bird without feet and travel alone. I know the danger of travelling alone. But, I really enjoy the freedom. I seem to have got used to loneliness till now. I enjoy to be alone. I can always travel alone around the world if I have got no friends or spouse to travel with me in the future. No matter what, I am happy to be ugly as I am free from all eyes and troubles which my beautiful or pretty friends face. As I have been telling my friends often, my ugly appearance exists so as to accentuate their beauties. If there is nothing ugly in the world, how can we ever distinguish the beauty from the ugliness? They should thank me for existing so that their beauties can stand out.

Ok, that's all for my sharing. Have been busy since I came back from Hong Kong on last Thursday. I don't remember having many friends in my life since I am a difficult person to get along with. Somehow, I have been getting invitations to go out with friends, wedding dinners and housewarming parties. Where do these friends come from suddenly? Anyway, I thank them for remembering me that they still invite me to be part of their fun and celebrations. Enjoy myself while I can. I think I am losing my job as that monster is taking roles out of my jobscope. I am ready to be sacked.  If anyone were to read this blog, please pray for my niece. It is confirmed that her right kidney does not function at all. No words can express my feelings I have for her inside. I know how hard it is for one to go through operations since I have gone through my minor ones. Once any body goes through the surgery knife, it will be different. The body can never be as good or strong as in the past. I really can't bear to see her going through that knife when she turns one year old. It is especially painful when I am getting closer to her each day since I see, kiss and talk to her almost everyday in my house. I am feeling very sian inside. The feeling is what the fuck! How I wish I can have suffer for her. I am old enough and have enjoyed the world for almost 33 years. She has not enjoyed much and has to go through such pain and suffering. God was quite kind with me. I got into deep shit at work by using one term in my document which other staff and departments found alright but the monster made a big fuss over it and wanted to have a discussion on it with my colleague, reporting officer and me. Her so called discussion is always accusation, shouting or screaming. I am sick of it. She just does not listen. After receiving the confirmed bad news of removal of my niece's right kidney when she turns one in last Friday morning, I was in a very nasty mood and prayed that I would not have to go through that discussion with that monster as I knew she would accuse me of things again. Even my reporting officer knew that that monster was trying to make things difficult for me by picking on that word and taking a chance to vent her tantrums on me since she has been very stressed out by her promotion and throws her tantrums on everyone in the department, causing a lot of tension. After lunch break, her mood turned better and she accepted my reporting officer's explanation why I used that term in that document since it was an acceptable accounting term in other documents after checking with the Finance Department. What the heck lah! I studied accounting before and have been working in big organizations for years. I will know that word can be used. What the fuck! She did not even bother to find things out before she jumped and made a big fuss over it. I am very sick of her accusations. If I were to get accusations from her on that day again, I would have shouted at her and quit. I was just not strong enough to face her nonsense right after receiving that bad news from my sister and I was worried about my sister. God knew I could not handle that monster on that day and my prayer was answered and I managed to escape that confrontation with her. Never mind about me. Please pray for my niece no matter what your religion is. She needs prayers.

Ok, have to stop writing now. I am writing this blog entry with the techno music blasting in the background. Maybe, time to go clubbing again to shake off all those fucking feelings. Thinking of getting a driving licence so that I can speed in another country. I love speeding but will never want to cause accidents to kill others. I am out of church liao. Too unclean to step in and receive communion. Most church people have their own rules and standards which I can never meet no matter how hard I have tried. Nothing wrong with them. It is just me being weird. I am very uncomfortable around these holy people. They are beautiful while I am ugly. Never mind about how they look at me since they are all out of my life and me out of theirs. Anyway, I know God still loves me and has never abandoned me. I will continue to keep close to Him through regular prayers and meditation on the Scriptures. The other way is to spend quiet time with Him alone by keeping in touch alone with the nature which is His creation. Also thinking of signing up for art therapy, vocal, keyboard or dancing course to keep in touch with the Arts for me to express my feelings or energy and keep in touch of my human side. If not, I will become very warlike and cold again in the cold and harsh corporate world under that monster. Perhaps, I may marry a Catholic one day and go back to church to receive communion again with my spouse as my guidance. Meanwhile, I will stay out since I have no guidance and I may get into troubles in church again, causing anyone and myself hurt or pain. I will never ever let go of God for without Him, I would not have existed out of Love. My breath is out of His breath of Love. No matter how ugly I am according to the worldly standard in people's eyes, I know I am a beautiful child of God as I am part of Him Who is Perfect.

With Love,
Elena

My 'First Time' Lesson from Hong Kong Trip

Ok, just come back to work after 6 days of fun in Hong Kong and 1 day of rest due to delay of flight which had caused me to only get to bed at home at 5am when everyone else was about to wake up for his/her new day. This Hong Kong trip is truly an enjoyable and fruitful break away from everything in Singapore. At first, I wanted to travel alone. But, God blessed me with my best friend as my travelling companion. Usually, I would depend on my travelling companions to plan the itineraries and direct the ways and I would just tag along wherever they go and will only go on our seperate ways if some of us would like to visit certain places which the others may not be interested in.

However, for this Hong Kong trip, my best friend who is detailed and patient looked for all the details and maps of the places we might want to visit and booked the air tickets and hotel room. How about me? I brought her all over the Hong Kong. I would look at the maps from her and discuss with her which cluster of places we would like to visit daily. I led the way. I often do not like to plan things to the details and prefer to keep my options open. I love variety and surprises. So, I tried to cover all forms of transportattion and activities such as shopping, sight-seeing, eating, etc. I was thinking and walking fast onmy feet at the same time. We did cover one outlying island within these six days.

Both of us enjoyed ourselves but were very tired. I did some reflection in the plane on our way back to Singapore. If this trip is seen as my marriage and my best friend were to be my spouse, I am sorry to say that he would feel 'unmarried'. I am definitely not a gentle person who will 'sayang' (stroke) you gently with soft sweet words. I expect the other party to be independent. I often walk so fast that my loved ones would be all drained out trying to follow my pace. I have been trying to slow down and be more caring and gentler but often fail. I think my poor best friend had to go for her leg transplant after this trip with me. I was surprised that she asked me where we should go for our next trip though I might be temperamental and fast and seemed not to be considerate towards her, especially when I was very tired from thinking fast on my feet most of the time and much walk while making sure we had good food and were safe at the same time. I am thankful to God that I had her to take care of the small details which she is capable of. Without such attention to such small details which I am not capable of, the whole trip would not have been smooth and would have come with more frustration of getting lost and clueless in the foreign land. 

Come to think of it. I am blessed that I am still not married atb this point of time. I think I will end up in divorce as the unfortunate spouse will feel unappreciated and uncared for and is simply tired of catching up with me. Whether I will be blessed with marriage or not, I still need to slow down and be more caring towards others. If not, I may be ahead of others but walking a lonely path, leaving others behind. Well, Jesus di not travel alone though he might have quiet time alone with God from time to time. Even when he died, two criminals of the lowest class died with him which places emphasis on his love for people, especially the outcast, lonely and ostracized groups of people. He was never alone. How can Love be shared when one is always alone?What quality of life is that when there is no one to share sorrows and joys with me no matter how successful I may be in my career? The world does not revolve around me. I must continue to learn to decrease myself and leave more space for God and others within me. I also need to learn to be more patient and speak up even more. My mind is always ahead of most people's around me and I tend to find it redundant to explain the details to the people. When some of them are slow in any ways, I become impatient. I am definitely not smart. It's just coincidental that I do see certain things ahead of others. When I fail or refuse to explain in details or speak up, people misunderstand me and I get into troubles. Like what my mentor told me my mental process is abit different from the others and a professional thinking style test has shown that my thinking style belongs to the minority of the population, it still causes me a lot of frustration even if I bother to explain certain things to others or speak up since some of them still can't get it until things happen later on, sometimes, they happen years later. So, most of the time, I keep my mouth shut lo. I know this is bad lah. My close friends have told me off and asked me to speak up if needed be instead of being misunderstood by the others. I think I have a lot of room for improvement. One thing I am grateful and thankful is some loved ones and friends accpet me as who I am though I am a dfficult a person to get along with and understood. I was quite touched when my best friend joked with me that the day when I become gentle and 'sayang' (stroke) people gently will be the day when I am possessed by some spirit. She has never expected me to change into someone I am not as she has known me for 15 years. She accepts me as who I am with my flaws.

Ok, I have overspent way beyond my budget for this trip. Need to scrimp and save for the next few months. But, I am very happy to have such a break and enjoy buying things for my loved ones and friends. What does it matter if the money can buy gifts for them to bring them joy? Money can always be earned though I am still underpaid. Anyway, God has been blessing me throughout my life and that, itself, is the greatest blessing of all which no one can snatch away from me. So, I am a wealthy woman all this while!!

With Love,
Elena