Not by sight but by faith sets the tone for my new year

It has been more than a month since I have penned down something. Time for written diarrhea before I get internal injury. New year has started. I guess my focus for this year is Not by sight but by faith. The year has not started on a positive note for me. My 2 rounds of treatment in end December were hell. The first treatment of Extracorporeal Shock Wave Therapy without any anaesthetic was still fine. Even as my specialist raised the level of blasting to Level 3, 4 and even 5, I could still tolerate the blasting of my bones by the wave. I think I was too ambitious during my last treatment. I decided to push my limits. That was to have Extracorporeal Shock Wave Therapy and Platelet Rich Plasma treatment together. The day before I had my last treatment, I had flu. It greatly affected me as the pain during Extracorporeal Shock Wave Therapy was really bad. The sensation was tight, sharp pain and shot up to my brain. At Level 1, the pain was already unbearable. In order to be effective, it must go up to Level 3 of blasting. I was cursing and swearing in my heart throughout the 20 mins of blasting. I wondered what I had done wrong to go through this. At that moment, it was frustrating. After the blasting, 2 needles had to go into my ankle for Platelet Rich Plasma treatment. I cannot describe the pain for hours after that. My specialist told me we are waiting for miracle as I have chosen to go for these treatments instead of going through the knife where 3 sites have to be opened. Out of the cases which my specialist has handled for 8 years, my case is the most severe and chronic with my broke bone abit displaced with damaged cartilage. If I had gone to him 2 years ago, I would have a better chance of getting healed.  He told me he had ever treated certain conditions which he was not confident of. In the end, some turned out to be miracles. We are hoping my case will be one of them. Till now, I have got no ideas how my bone and cartilage are badly damaged without any sprain or fall. My guess is my bones are weak in general. It ever took me 10 years for my left knee to heal. A priest misunderstood me when I did not knee down during a prayer session and I just kept quiet.  

I am appealing for my claims for my Platelet Rich Plasma expenses as they have been rejected. Really very vexed and tiring to run between my private and company insurance companies for claims and keep going back to my specialist for more support to justify all my treatments are medically required. I hope God will see that I have been honest and upright with my treatments. I only go for treatments that are medically required and never abuse the insurance system by going for treatments that are not necessary just to claim. Nobody in the right mind will go through so much pain from these treatments just to claim from insurance companies. Trying to claim as much as I can since I have borrowed $10k from a friend. $2k from my hospitalization bills has been confirmed I cannot claim from either insurance company. Now, I am appealing to claim for $2k plus post ops expenses. For this, I need miracle again. I am very tired running around. Stressed out. I guess because of running around too much and under a lot of stress on top of my heavy workload and constant exposure to toxic paint, pollen from lily flowers and incense from my house, my allergy flared up on last Friday and I was forced to slow down on a 3 day strong anti-biotics for my sinusitis and respiratory system infection.  I am still trying to hang on to hope; hope to claim as much expenses as I can from the insurance companies so that I can return as much money as I can to my friend and hope for miracle to happen that my ankle will be healed when I am back for review in early June. In Singapore, I really have time to die but no time to fall sick. Work still goes on no matter what. I regret going for the treatments which have landed me with debts.

Life still goes on. I cannot be so self absorbed and self centred. I have been busy journeying with people God has continuously brought into my life. Sometimes, I need rest and do not wish to meet anyone as I have been feeling very down. But, deep in me, something is bugging me when I don’t meet them or reach out to them.  In the end, I choose to meet or reach out to them. I guess it is God pushing me out of my small world to serve others instead of getting too self absorbed.  I never regret reaching out to them whenever I see their smiles or feel better. I feel better and happy in the end. A lot of misunderstanding arises as these relationships go deeper since I do not normally bother to explain most of the time. I am not perfect. I am also learning from mistakes and these people. Nowadays, I try to voice out more verbally, especially with an encouragement of a friend who keeps asking me to talk instead of whatsapping. I am learning to voice out more face to face instead of bottling things up for years and explode. I am good in teasing people and talk nonsense. But when it comes to voicing out something deep and personal, my tongue just gets tied.  I am just doing my best as prompted by the Holy Spirit and leave the rest to God. I also take care that I do not play God. So, praying regularly is essential in order to keep myself close to God and listen to his voice.

One thing positive is I may be collecting my keys early in 3-4 months’ time. Hurray!! Not sure how to finance my renovation costs and items for the house. At least, it is something I am looking forward to. It never fails to cheer me up as I see the project for my flat looks more and more complete. Now, praying for a reliable contractor or interior designer who can renovate my house. There will be a Catholic church coming up in Punggol area, Church of Transfiguration. Plan to go to that church and serve to start anew for my spiritual journey, Have been out of church for a few years. I am excited. The church is named as Church of Transfiguration as Fr Joachim Chang explained many problems arise because we never listen, be it conflicts between married couples, problems at work, etc He wanted the church to be a place where we listen to God’s voice. I really need that, man. My life is too noisy now and I have nowhere to rest my racing mind. I also read Fr Joachim’s vocation story. One thing we have in common is we were positively influenced by our teachers in our lives with its rippling effect on our faith. He looks stern from the videos and I am scared since I tend to get into trouble. But, I am sure I can look forward to his guidance since he has got a Master in counseling. I am willing to learn. Whenever I was vexed, I used to get comfort from looking at the crucifix in the main church. I really miss that. I also miss journeying with a person in that church during that period of time. At least, he was there to guide me, comfort me and walk with me through my ups and downs. He would support me quietly at times as he knew his presence would sometimes distract me from doing my work. I also enjoyed journeying with him, helped him, be there for him. I learnt alot from him and moments with him were one of my happy days. I know he is doing well with a lot of support from his community, friends and loved ones and I believe he will be healed though the chance seems bleak from some research. Miracles do happen and I believe miracles will happen to him. Though I have no chance to tell him, I am proud of him.  If he needs help or someone to be there for him, I will still gladly welcome him with open arms. I will never push him away again. One of them most comforting things to me is he is still around. I just want to thank him for being around. He is still in my prayers till now. As long as he is happy, I am happy. As for me, challenging to journey alone. I hope the new church allows me to journey with people in faith. God is Love and Loge never dies no matter where I go…

With Love,

Elena

Hidden Messages Through Challenges

Have finally pulled through 2 working days. Don’t know what happened. Suddenly, I kept feeling numbness on the left side of my face and left eye twitching since last Saturday. It was very similar to stroke. Keep feeling very weak and lethargic and something attacking me from within.  Tried to work from home on last Monday so that I would not injure my ankle in my dazed and numbed condition. By last Tuesday, it became worse. Got to know from my doctor I have Bell’s Palsy. When I heard that, I immediately asked my doctor, “Simi lai eh? (What is it? (In Hokkien)). It is weakness and paralysis on one side of the face due to inflamed or damage to nerve. One side of the face may droop. The cause may be viral infection most of the time. I was thinking to myself, “Win liao lo. That means I have to be forced to confine myself at home.” The doctor gave me 2 days of MC to have absolute rest. Other than Bell’s Palsy, I also have gastric issue. My doctor warned me about developing ulcers or bleeding. No excuse liao lo. I had to rest with my laptop off during my 2 days of MC.  I really feel like a bell getting hit by the unknown virus within. Currently on Vitamin B12 complex to repair my facial nerves. At the back of my mind, I am scared of my face drooping which means my condition is negative. Thank God my face is not drooping. If not, I will need to go on high dosage of steroid immediately. If I really have to go on high dosage of steroid, it will not be favourable to my bones since I am still trying to recover from my ankle condition before going for another rounds of ankle treatments in mid-December. Perhaps, that is God’s way of slowing me down as my broken ankle did not stop me from overstretching myself for my recent project. I know I am stubborn. Once I start something, even simple things like marathons, I will make sure I finish them regardless of my condition. It is demoralizing why my health seems to keep giving me issues. I am not sure how many more tests I have to go through. Sometimes, I feel like God is fooling me. One issue after another. It’s as if my life is not tough enough.  

I try to exercise more self-compassion. Instead of bashing myself all over with all these negativities as a perfectionist, I keep encouraging myself I have overcome this and that in little ways. At least, I have pulled through my 2 working days despite my lethargy. It’s my small achievement. I appreciate things like looking normal though still facing the risk of my face drooping. At least, it is not drooping now. I am still healthy.  I am appreciating these simple things at a deeper level. It is precisely that I am going through this scary period, I am warning people around me to rest well and take care especially when they are not feeling well. I don’t want them to end up like me. If you love them as part of yourself, you will never want them to go through the same hell you are going through.  Very scary to face such unknown situation if you will see your face droops suddenly when you wake up the next day. Yes, faith is important to keep my fears under control. Have been praying for healing.  I don’t fancy a drooping face. It matters to me. That is why I am scared. I am a human after all with my fears. I am honest with my fears and would like to acknowledge them. By acknowledging them, I know what I am dealing with. I let the light shine on these fears with Love and slowly overcome them with strength from God. It’s akin to exorcism. You have to know what demons you are dealing with before you can exercise exorcism. Faith comes in in my compassionate self-talk assuring myself everything is in God’s hands. Daily prayers remind me everything is in the control of Higher Power. Though as a human with fears, I know God will be in control. Having faith, to me, does not mean I do not have fears. If something matters to me, fears will exist for I am afraid of losing it. It is ironic in a way that it is precisely I love my life or something or someone who is part of me that I have fears of losing it.  These fears are necessary fears so that we may appreciate them when they are around and improve ourselves out of love for them. We will not regret when we lose them.

Genuine transformation takes place from within. Transformation can never be forced upon by others. It is from within out of Love for God, others and self to make the world a better place to live in. Fear of losing is healthy as long as I am not obsessed. When there is something or someone that matters to me here, I will not look forward to dangerous activities recklessly. I will take calculated risks even if I go for extreme sports. Because I know back home or somewhere in the world, there are people whom I love and may need me or I have not lived life to the fullest yet.  It requires dying to myself gradually so that when the time comes for God to take it away, be it my life or my loved one pr something I have been trying to hold on to, I will be ready to let it go since I am already letting go gradually by first dying to myself and handing the control over to God in the process. Obsession occurs when I wrongly take on the role of the owner as if I own everything and everyone in my life. With such obsession, I become possessive with the objects or people in my life instead of my rightful role of a steward to manage what I have from God. The approach becomes my way or no way. There is no longer God’s way. What I have in my life is no longer seen as grace from God but my entitlement.

Time flies fast. I have left the church for 5 years. Really miss the time when I went to church to rest every week day, away from the noise of the world. I do not care what other people thought why I was there. I can never stop what people say. I guess the church is the only place where I feel secure, especially with all the crucifix and statues around. I know my character does not fit into any organized institutions. It has been in that way since young. A professional thinking style test conducted by a professional company when I was serving in the church youth ministry showed that and the coach realized I cannot cope with it since I am very different. I don’t yearn to be unique. I am very simple. I just want to fit in instead of being labeled by others with all sort of ugly names over the years. But it can never be an excuse for my sins. I have met some people who use all sorts of self-proclaimed mental or psychological disorders to justify their sins or undesirable behavior or harsh words so that they do not have to be responsible for their sins or hurt to others. For me, I will just do my best and leave the rest to God. I will listen to the feedback and discern if it is constructive. If they are true, I will try to change but it takes time. If it is destructive out to hurt me, I will just brush it off that the person is the issue who needs to work through it with God.

Now, I am just praying for some Christ centered people to be my spiritual family members to journey with me. My current environment is too cold and harsh. I really don’t want to end up self-centered and cold just to survive in the corporate world.  I don’t want to waste mummy’s time, efforts and love that she had invested in me.  I don’t want to hurt other people with the coldness and hardened hearts that I have been experiencing because it is really hell to go through hurts. I really need spiritual family members who love and accept me as who I am and journey with me and be my role models.   

With Love,

Elena

Gratitude Towards My Mobile Library Angels

Finally, all books have been safely transported to our warehouse for shipment soon. I am a project officer in this job for the first time. At first, I had reservation if I could take up this project due to my broken ankle which is still recovering from my treatments and I have to go through another round in mid December. A small fragment of my bones almost fell from my ankle. I am disabled officially in a way. In the end, I took up the challenge without knowing how. Even one surgeon laughed at me for my thin frame for such intensive manual work of carrying boxes bigger than me.  I just heed my prompting within. Most people would not understand why every small little help, caring action or kind word matters to me so much. For the first few days of the project, it was no joke as I had to get used to only one full meal per day and surviving on cookies during office hours. I was frustrated by my limitation of my broken ankle and lethargy. Commuting between workplace and home each day has been challenging. With this project, moving heavy boxes and walking a lot posed more challenges. The worst thing was I was expecting people who were supposed to help just helped within their slots and kept quiet as if they were blind to my difficulties. Not many volunteers signed up for the project and I wondered how I was going to manage it with limited resources and manpower facing such cold people who simply ignored my condition. During those first few days, I felt really down inside and wondered why people could be so cold and self centered. I was feeling very drained physically, mentally emotionally and spiritually. By the time I reached home daily, I simply lied on the sofa and took much effort to even shower. 

It came to a point when I had no one to turn to but to depend on God. I prayed very hard each day for God’s providence, not knowing how I could manage the project in such condition. I just continued with my project. I knew I had to change my approach and mentality. If I see it as my work, my pay and prospect here do not justify my time, efforts and health. I don’t believe in complaining without improving anything. I cannot change how people act. I can only change how I respond and my perspective. I choose to see this project as my way of serving the community. Instead of focusing on my prospect and myself, I shift my focus to the less fortunate children in South Africa. I do not have high education and that is why my career is hindered. It is shitty to be in such rut which affects my earning ability and quality of life since the cost of living here is high. I believe in education. Though I cannot be a teacher continuing what mummy had done, I can always continue her legacy of Love through other means. Helping with book donation through CSR is another way of empowering these children with knowledge through the books. When my focus shifts to serving the children through this project, my focus is no longer on how cold and calculative some people are, how dead I am inside. Instead, my focus is all on how I could collect, sort and pack all books and send them to our warehouse on time. All the lethargy becomes meaningful.

When my volunteers came to help, they asked me how I was going to manage alone with my ankle condition. I shrugged and told them I just had to manage it. Only one friend knew what I was going through and tried to help as much as she could. I was very touched and thankful when most of them went beyond their timeslots to help me as they could not bear to see me handling it alone. They even stopped me from carrying any heavy boxes.  One volunteer even brought two extra volunteers to help me. One colleague from our sister company who delivered some books to me on the last day of my packing saw me alone after 6pm. She helped me until 7plus in the evening until her husband called her. My other colleagues from other departments offered to buy lunch for me since I could not go out most of the time. All these kind deeds and words comforted me and gave me the strength to pull through despite my pain daily from the heavy workload. The courier person even detoured and drove me to Jurong Point for me to grab a taxi though he could have stopped me anywhere so that he could go for his next job which was near our warehouse where he finished his job from me. But, he made sure I could get a cab from a place where I could get a cab due to my condition. During such difficult time when I was feeling lonely and cold, these little thoughts and care from others moved me. I saw Christ in every one of them. In such time, all little deed or words, no matter how small they seem to be, mean a lot to me.  These are the angels God has sent to help me to pull through. If not for them, I don’t think it will be possible for me to complete my project on time.

This project is God’s training ground for me to exercise my faith. Not by sight but by faith. When I thought it was impossible with my limitation, God provides. I just have to trust Him without rationalization. It has taught me to go beyond myself to serve others which are children in this case. One lesson I have learnt is we will never know how our little kind deeds or words touch others who may be vulnerable and down at that point of time. We may think what we do for them are too small but we will never know these kind deeds or words, no matter how small we may think they are, are what that person needs the most at that vulnerable point of time. In fact, these little kind deeds and words from these angels gave me the strength and love to persevere. No man can journey alone in life. Many people keep telling me all people are self centered. I refuse to believe in that. If all people are self centred, I will not be around till now. There is goodness everywhere if we care to look for it. Gratitude opens my heart to see good in others and appreciate all kind deeds and words as little miracles which warm my heart and give me the strength to love others especially when the going gets tough. It opens up my mind and heart to the world of possibilities when it seems to be impossible. All things are possible with God. If I choose to harp on people who are cold and calculative, I will be blinded by negativity and be drawn into the spiral of demoralization and hardened by harshness no matter how many angels God has sent into my life. I must remember these cold and calculative people have issues. It is up to God to handle them, not up to me to control. I am also a human with flaws. I just have to accept them as who they are and move on. Their coldness and calculations help me to be creative to learn to work with limited resources and manpower. God may have some plans for me in the future by getting me to go through such tests.

As a project officer, it means I am a leader for this project. Other than meeting required standard within very tight deadline, all vendors and volunteers are under my care. I will make sure they don’t get injured because of this project. I feel abit bad when one of my vendors got hurt while sending the books to my office. Honestly speaking, it was not my fault as it was beyond my area of control. I still feel sorry as he got hurt because of this project. For my project, I would always keep all the people involved with the project, be they vendors or volunteers, in my daily prayers to be protected from harm and injury. Though I feel bad about his injury even as I know very clearly it was not my fault, I am thankful all other people involved with this project are safe. I also pray that he will have speedy recovery. Those who tried to overstretch themselves would get told off by me.  Back injury is no fun. Every step you walk will be in pain. In life, all people and things are not owned by us. We are just stewards managing them under our care. This is how I approach my life in general and as a leader in any projects. Prayers are always my essential components for every project and my life in general. At least, I am reminding myself there is a higher Power up there in control. Even if I feel I am losing control, I am reminding myself God is there to carry me through and I just have to let go and let God and hold on to Him.   

With Love,

Elena

Sharing the Legacy of Love From Mummy With The Less Fortunate Ones

Happy Birthday, mummy! May you enjoy peace in the arms of the Lord in Love! 18 years have passed since the last time I see you. Hope you are joining the angels and saints singing joyfully in heaven.

Who is this mummy I am referring to? She is not my biological mother. She was my Sec 1 form tutor. If not for her, I will not be around today. Many students and teachers thought that I saw her as my idol during school days. I did not bother to explain. Frankly speaking, I have never had any idols in my life, not even during my school days. Little did anyone know that I was going through hardship which was too much for me to handle at the age of 13 and mummy was that angel who stood by me through my ups and downs till she was called home to be with the Lord. She appeared when I needed a motherly figure the most. Life was at its toughest when God sent her into my life. She gave me hope and reshaped my values. She taught me what was right and wrong. She forgave me again and again no matter how I had angered and hurt her even to the point of affecting her health. She would be attentive and appeared when I needed someone. No matter how much shit I was facing from home and school, I knew I could always turn to her and she would always be there for me. She looked into my needs and thought through how she could best support and even provide for me. Most of all, no matter how I had hurt her or how willful and wayward I was, she never gave up on me even right to the point of her death. Even after her death, I enjoyed her legacy which I term as the legacy of Love. She was my role model of my faith. She brought me to the Catholic Church where I was baptized in the end.  I know I can never do anything for her but to continue to pass her kindness on to others and share her undying love with the others. She also taught me to reach out to help the less fortunate people and not to be too self absorbed and self centered. So, whatever help or kindness I render to others, all the credits go to her.

During this period of time, I am very grateful towards people around me who helped me in little ways. Though they may think the help is not much, to me, it means a lot. For this whole week, I was so busy that I only had one meal per day. I was exhausted to the point of my brain shutting down when it was 6plus in the evening daily as I worked non stop after I had reached the office due to a project. My ankle condition limits my mobility in certain ways and causes a lot of frustration and pain. What did not help was some people thought it was easy for me to just sit there for volunteers to do the jobs when I was already feeling so drained and in pain running around. Before I started work yesterday, I confided in God that I did not know how to continue with such strenuous project having to move boxes of books, a lot of arrangement to be made on top of my daily work, obstacles kept coming up and a lot of walking around which did not help my ankle recovery.   God heard my prayers. A volunteer asked me how I could manage with my ankle condition and boxes of books to be sorted and packed. I just smiled and said I would just do my best. I was thinking to myself, I just have to go to the office and clear them over the weekend. After her break, she brought two of her colleagues to help out. In the end, they cleared all the books for the week. Deep in me, I was asking how. I was very grateful. During this week, I was very touched by various people. Some asked me if they could buy my lunch for me since I could not go out to eat. I appreciate every volunteer who took out their precious time to help out with this project.  My boss told me I could go out to eat during lunchtime when the volunteers were helping out. But, how could a person in charge disappear leaving the volunteers doing the jobs during lunchtime? If they had questions, who could they ask? If they messed up, who had to clear up the mess in the end? I also have to make sure all my volunteers do not injure themselves. They are  also part of my responsibilities since I am the project officer. It's really no fun to have injured back. Every step you walk kills. Sorry, I just could not leave my volunteers alone. It’s about professionalism. I believe in we are all in it together for the love of the children.

I am very drained physically as I am low in blood pressure during this period of time and my ankle has been in pain, especially when the weather is cold. I have been so drained during working hours that I was too tired to have full meals. The only full meal I had was dinner when I forced myself to eat. At the end of the working week, my back is killing me as I have mild scoliosis and will be in pain from the repeated motion of bending down to count the books and carry heavy boxes which could be bigger than me. Even my doctor laughed at me for being a ‘hero’ trying to carrying boxes with my thin frame. From professional perspective, my pay and position do not justify what I am doing now. People may think I am silly as if I can get promoted with this project. I don’t care what others think. I just give my best. Instead of lamenting, I change my mentality. It’s like running marathon. Now, I am using mind over body to continue with the project until all books are transported on next Wednesday. I keep counting down that I have gone through 5 days of it. I just need to go through another 3 more days. It’s not about me. It’s about the children in South Africa who do not have the luxury like us to have books available to us. I strongly believe in knowledge empowering a person. As much as I can, I do not want anyone to end up like me not having education high enough and thus, have limited career prospects which affect my income and ability to support my family. I just hope that these books will bring joy and knowledge to the children in South Africa and their quality of life will be better. It is also my way of continuing mummy’s legacy of empowering the children through education. It’s about giving hope to these children and showing they are not forgotten and we care though we may be many miles away from them.

It’s not about me. It’s about them. Mummy, the hard work, sweat and pain from me for these children are my birthday gifts to you by sharing the undying love you had for me with the less fortunate children through the Spirit of Love for them as their Christmas gifts. Of course, not to forget that this love also comes from my volunteers who help out in little ways.       

With Love,
Elena

My Angel Whom I Miss Alot

It has been a very tiring week. With my ankle trying to recover from the procedures, I find it very challenging to travel to and fro between workplace and home. Getting up the buses or standing for more than 15mins are really challenging. It is a killer to be sardine packed crowd pushing around. I am starting to hurt my good leg as I put all my weight on it. I got very frustrated at times, especially during rainy days when walking on the slippery road became increasingly difficult. I asked God if my life is not tough enough and He has to make it even tougher even in my daily routine. Somehow, there was one day when a young man with disability was limping right in front of me. I looked at him and told myself my inconvenience is only short term but his is lifetime. I should count my blessings that I could still go for treatment but he has to live with his disability for life. I am trying very hard to be more patient. Each trip to the office is bus-circle line train-east west line train- bus. My ankle has been swelling and in pain each day after all the travelling and I wonder if I had made a wrong decision to go for $8K treatment with more ongoing treatment. I am not sure if my ankle can be healed. My low pay cannot afford to pay for cab fares daily.

I am totally depending on my faith. I am trying to claim from both private and company insurance plans to return my friend $10K for my ankle treatment. I am really uncomfortable with borrowing money from a friend who is not close to me and yet I accepted it as it has been God’s will for me to treat my 2-3year chronic ankle condition with broken bones and fluid accumulating inside. If I don’t treat it, I may hurt the other leg with prolonged dependence on it. My flat may be coming at the beginning or middle of next year. I have to speed up my savings for renovation costs and items for my new house. This new house is my only way to get out of my misery. It’s either I swim or sink by myself. I have to fight my way out of this vicious cycle.  I know if I continue my current life as it is now, it won’t be long before it ends prematurely. I am slowly losing my grip from the edge of the cliff. Now, I am looking at various options for my renovation costs and items for my new house. I have been having the fun of going around discussing design with interior designers. I visited the 1^st one on last Saturday. He had quoted me $16K+ for a 36sqm 2 room bto flat unit. Wow, that was steep, man.  I will be visiting one other designer today and another one tomorrow and yet another one on 9 November 2016. I know very clearly what I want for my flat. I like all white, clean minimalist look. The whole room will be built with platform. I am not sure how I can go about getting enough money and support to build a new home. I am depending on God to guide and provide for me while I try to scrimp and save with my bit of saving plan from my insurance. Of course, early withdrawal of $ from my saving plan means I have to forgo the benefits wince they are not due yet. Once I move out, I am totally on my own. It’s a new stage of my life.

It seems that people around have been down with serious diseases recently. A few of them almost lost their lives. Once again, God is getting me to slow down and question about mortality. It pains me whenever I see my friends suffering or crying over the condition of their loved ones. I know I am not perfect. I am trying as much as I can to be there. Most of the time, I allow them to cry and talk about matters from their hearts. In fact, I am privileged that they have chosen to trust and confide in me. Because of their deep sharing, my life is enriched and I can help others with similar situations. Diseases are not scary. It is the disconnection from people that is scary. The yoke is easier to carry when we are all in it together no matter what we face.  Yes, we cannot take over their diseases but we can help support these people through our presence, kind words and caring actions. It is such togetherness that helps everyone easier to carry any burdens and brave through challenges in life.

Personally, it is a torture to me when my loved ones with diseases leave me just because they think by leaving me, they will not be my burdens. What I want to say is it is definitely not true. I get very angry and tortured whenever anyone does that to me. My mummy did that to me and my grief became a complicating one and I had to go through a professional counseling after 8 years of her death. It was devastating and affected my relationships with people, especially people who are dear to me, as the pain and regrets were too difficult to be endured. Three years ago, another loved one drove me out of his hospital room and created an email account to ask me to get out of his life. I played along and replied him as if he were a third person to make him feel better.  When I read his blog entry the next day, he mentioned he had just lost an angel. I knew who he was referring to.  That was the last time I read his blog. If he thought out of sight, out of mind. Then, I think he is wrong. It was very immature of his faith level to think that. I think he missed the whole point of being a Christian. It gave me a lot of heart break. He is still in my heart till now. I often ask God how he is getting on. It is never easy to miss someone who is still around and yet you cannot see him. If he were to be gone now, I know my grief is going to be complex again because there is a lot of unspoken words, unexpressed feelings. We have never had a chance to really talk to each other. They thought they were protecting me from pain and did not want to burden me. They were absolutely wrong.  I am very frustrated and feel painful why they were playing God. Why did they belittle my strength and ability to go through thick and thin with them? Why did they deprive my opportunities given by God to walk through it all with them? Why did they play God? What makes them think that I am better off without them?  Yes, going through it all with them may be tough and painful to see them suffer. But it is more painful and miserable that they broke the relationships just like that assuming that I would forget them. Have they ever respected my decision and view? I am not a computer. When you cut me off, will my brain and heart will be reset, forgetting about our bonds? Hello, I am a human with flesh and blood. I cannot be reset just like that.

After 3 years, I am led to the photos of my loved one while searching for some information on an old priest whom I respect and miss. It pains me to see him ageing much and some marks on his skin. He must have gone through a lot. I am happy he is healthy and joyful now. Leaving him is worthwhile though I am suffering alone outside. He has gone back to the church which I had left. Somehow, when I read about a brief introduction of him on a website, I was touched when he mentioned he would try his best to be sincere in his vocation. When I happened to see his Facebook page, he commented he was not looking on the number of ‘like’ for his post but he wanted his blog entries to have positive impact on others’ lives. I am proud of him. In fact, I cried with tears as I finally see his change.  

Some friends asked me why I don’t look for him since I still care for him and miss him. My answer is if he is happy without me in his life, I will just stay out of his life as long as this is what he wants.  It is fine to disregard my feelings. I don’t deny that my life is better with him in my life since he used to be able to connect with me and went through my tough time with me. Those are my happy and rich moments of my life. For me, as my thinking style was proven by a professional coach from my previous church to be different from most people, it is difficult for me to connect with the others generally. I can say that he is weird enough to be able to connect deeply with me and other people also commented that before. That made him even more important in my life. I was very happy when we grew together. Yes, there were slamming of door, shouting at me, hurtful words, accusation in the public with a few people against me, etc.   There were also quiet support, comforting and encouraging me through his talks, pulling a chair to come near me showing others he accepted me despite the risks of offending his fans, assuring me that it was alright to be a horrible cook as a spouse and the other party would still eat the food, singing his feelings to me, showing me looks of concern when I had very tough times, looking at me with appreciation, pacing near me when I was sick, etc.  Though my life was very tough, it seemed to be easier to carry with him around. He always knew what to say to guide me. He understood and managed to connect with me though we are from totally different backgrounds and status. He even stooped down to my level and claimed that he was ugly.  When he appeared in the stadium happily after I had mentioned if he wanted to be friend with me and he would indicate it by appearing in the stadium, I was very happy to see him. He was my angel. I know I had hurt him a lot and there is no turning back. I know my hardship and misery are easier to carry with him around but I don’t intend to disrupt his life since he is doing well and happy with his loved ones and friends and vocation. I will only see him if he allows me to and if God allows. If he looks for me, I will reconcile with him and treasure him as God’s gift. If not, I can only quietly pray for him and continue to stay out braving through tough times alone until I can no longer bear.  

If you ask me what I will do if I start all over with him again, I will love and treasure him even more. It is fine if we cannot be husband and wife. We can always be soul mates and work together to serve the community.  I don’t mind about his disease at all. When he knew about my health condition and dark sins, he did not abandon me and showed me he accepted me. Why should I leave him just because of his disease? Anyway, everyone will fall sick and die and one day. Why don’t we live life to the fullest with the people we love?  I am not afraid of hardship as long as we are all in it together. No matter what, I will continue to pray for him and give him all my blessings. After all these years, he is still in my heart. 

With Love,

Elena

Reflection & Rumination on My Left Ankle Condition

God has His way of grounding me. Here I am, 2 weeks MC & 2 weeks working from home as it is impossible for me to go to my office which needs me to travel from East to West.  No way can I squeeze into sardine packed buses & trains with my ‘robocop’ shoe. I also cannot afford to spend $40+ cab fares daily just for work. After explaining to my boss about my situation, she finally allowed me to have MC for2 weeks & work from home for 2 weeks since it takes 3 weeks for me to heal. I really miss the Saturday mornings when I could brisk walk. Because of my left ankle, I cannot exercise at all. I have missed it for a few years. At first, I thought it was only inflammation of ankle or torn ligament. MRI result finally showed I have broken bones and damaged cartilage with fluid accumulating in that area. Win liao lo. I have to be grounded. That was worse than I thought. God works in a mysterious ways. I can never outbeat God. I have never thought of spending money on my ankle or even check on it. I went to my company doctor for some stroke like symptoms. In the end, I was diagnosed with panic attacks. The best way to reduce my stress is to exercise. I told him I could not as I have an ankle condition. He asked me to go for ankle check and treatment so that I can start exercising to curb my stress level and stop all these panic attacks. He told me I better get it done fast as my body was sending me signals that I was breaking down. I deduced that that was God’s way to ‘force’ me to get my ankle treated before I face greater issues.

I have never gone through such ankle procedures at all. I have got 2 options: one for non-surgical procedures which consist of Extracorporeal Shock Wave Therapy and Platelet Rich Plasma treatment while the other conventional operation. To me, they are equally scary. I am not sure what I will be expected to face for both options. I’d rather go for non-surgical procedures. Extracorporeal Shock Wave Therapy is using highly focused high and low energy to aim at my injured area and blast the bones to stimulate growth when I am sedated. I asked him how pain it is going. He told me the patients told him to imagine a small man getting into your injured area to hammer your bones. If I don’t go sedated, I cannot take the pain. As my case is more serious, I also have to go through platelet rich plasma treatment where my blood will be extracted for my platelets to be separated from my blood. Some substance or medicine will be mixed with my platelet and the mixture will spin in a machine for 8 minutes before injecting into my blasted area after the Extracorporeal Shock Wave Therapy. This non-surgical procedure pushes my body to heal my injury. I am not sure if it will fail or not since the chance is 70% success rate. I really hope that my body will pull itself together to work hard for recovery. If not, I have to go through a few more times of blasting. The last resort is to go for operation. I am praying for miracle.

Surgical procedure is worse to me. The surgeon will operate on 3 sites. The 1^st site is my knee where a piece of bone will be taken out and put into my injured area where the broken bones will be taken out and a screw will be placed in my ankle to secure the injured site. Then, the 3^rd site on my ankle where the inflamed tissue is opened and all inflamed tissue will be removed. Win liao lo. I am not a toy leh. Suka suka open here and there. I feel like telling my effeminate surgeon why not I operate on him to have a feel of how it is like to be a pig on the chopping board waiting to be slaughtered, My friend who went through knee operations told me she did not feel pain from the surgical sites after awhile but felt pain from her hip where that piece of bone was removed to be put into her injured knees!!  That sounds like getting from one hell only to get into another.

Guess which one I chose. Of course, the former la. I went through the procedure last week.  I stayed at Gleneagles hospital for one night. The hospitalization fee is steep. All in all, $8K. Haha. I am in debts liao. The hospital screwed up my bills and insurance claims procedure and forced me to cough out $8K around $8k before releasing me. I am very blessed during this period of time. Frankly speaking, I am very grateful to have a few friends helping me. Difficult people like me hardly have friends and yet God has sent a few people to help me. One of my friends lends me $10K. I think I have to be her maid to repay her all the money.  I have told her honestly I may not be able to return her the money due to certain circumstances. I asked her if she was sure if she still wanted to lend me that amount which is small to her based on her status but not a small sum in general. She gave me a firm ‘yes’ and even told me if she has volunteered to lend me the money, she would have expected not to get it back. I was very touched. My other friends came to the hospital to see me while one of them even fetched from the hospital to home as my close friend was suddenly down with fever.  Others sent me messages to wish me well and follow up with me. Lol

I picked the non-surgical procedure which consists of Extracorporeal Shock Wave Therapy and Platelet Rich Plasma treatment. As my specialist has not really treated such chronic and severe condition as mine during his 8 years of studying and practicing such procedure, he has preempted me I may need to go through another Extracorporeal Shock Wave Therapy session in his clinic if my result is not ideal. But, this time, without sedation with his less powerful machine. That would mean I have to endure the pain during the session. I am praying very hard for my ankle to heal well so that I don’t have to go through the pain and save cost. My first round of that session in Gleneagles hospital used a much more powerful machine with higher focus meant for blasting kidney stones. I was deeply sedated for that more powerful and accurate blasting of my bones. God was kind that I did not endure much pain after that. But, I am suffering from side effects. My blasted area is inflamed and there are a few sore and raw rashes. I am quite amazed by the technology. They blasted my injured area through the other side of my ankle instead of directly at my injured area. So both sides of my left ankle are injured now. Platelet Rich Plasma treatment is more painful as I needed to have the local anesthetic injected into my inflamed area. It was so painful that I could hardly endure it but I kept really quiet when my specialist asked me if it was painful. The more painful it is, the quieter I am. That is how I endure pain in general. I don’t scream. Lol. Then, he injected the mixture of my platelet and medicine deeper into my inflamed area. After that LA wore off, my nightmare began. The pain was really hell for me. No matter what, I am glad I have gone through it. At least, I am more fortunate than many people who are disabled in some ways.  My inconvenience is short term.  I have better understanding of people who are not mobile in any ways. I wonder how they manage such pain and inconvenience. I should not complain about my condition. I should count my blessings that my condition can still be treated though I am not sure if I belong to one of the 2/3 successful cases. I really hope my case will be successful as my specialist can use the same methods to treat other similar cases without these future patients having to go through the knife. He may even use my case in his future conferences if needed. To me, no pain, no gain. I am praying for a breakthrough. I am praying for miracles where all my medical costs can be covered by my insurance plans and my ankle to heal well as I was down with bronchitis before and during the treatment. Such procedures are meant to push my body to heal my ankle. I started with the procedures in a bad shape. Now, it is really by faith, not by sight. If my ankle fails to heal, I will live with the pain and broken bones for the rest of my life. At least, I have tried. I want to embrace my new life with recovered ankle as my new flat is coming earlier than expected. Another set of financial issues. I guess I need miracles for that as well.

One lesson I have learnt is whether surgical or non-surgical procedures, they are targeting at the same injured condition. It goes the same to our sins or brokenness. All of us have our own brokenness or sins. There are many methods and even sacraments available for healing. Going for confession is one of them. Yes, we may confess to God directly. Why go through a priest? I am not saying that going to God directly does not work. By all means, go ahead if you are comfortable with it. I am doing that as well. To me, I am a human. When I go to a priest for confession during the Sacrament of Reconciliation, firstly, I have to be humble and truthful to myself that I have these sins and acknowledge them. Then, I muster my courage to open myself up to another person and confess my sins to him. In this case, God is in human form through a priest. If I can open myself in that way, the sins or brokenness no longer have the power over me since I have taken control of them by first acknowledging them and bring them to the light. What I find therapeutic about the Sacrament of Reconciliation is I listen for myself that my sins are absolved and God has forgiven me through his vessel which is the priest’s mouth in this case. A priest is just a God’s instrument to absolve our sins and forgive us. He is not God.

Some sins or brokenness may be more serious which may require professional help. Seeing art therapists, psychiatrists or psychologists help in some cases. There are no such cases of one method fits all. Everyone and conditions are different. No matter what, nobody can travel life journey alone. From my ankle incident, I am blessed to have some people who support or help me in different ways. Some have offered to give me financial support. My specialist is trying his best to help me even beyond his scope. He is not just well known for his area of specialty but to me, he is a doctor of heart. He understands the issues I am facing and he has gone out of his ways to help me. All doctors have similar skills. Other than the level of skills, what makes a doctor stands out is a doctor who treats not just the conditions but also the patients’ hearts.  As a patient, every little gesture and support mean and help a lot. I do not get much help from my insurance brokers. Very frustrating. I have friends who bothered to meet me during their weekends to sit down and discuss things with me. They even engaged their other friends and relatives to get more information for me so that I will a clearer picture of how I should get my claims. Frankly speaking, as a patient, you are already scared of all these unknown treatments that you will be going through. You are left with little energy to get frustrated with professionals who are supposed to help but not helping. This incident has taught me who are friends and who are not.

This applies to life in general. We have our brokenness, ‘injuries’ or sins in our lives. We can never handle them alone. We need to journey with the others in our life journey. Joy is doubled and sorrow is halved when shared. I strongly believe in Love only multiplies when shared. Most of us are living in a world as if God does not exist though we may go to church on every Sunday or even serve in church.  When we are back to our community, be it families, workplaces or anywhere outside church, we leave God in that church building until the next time we go back to God in the church. We become self centred. It becomes fighting over status, resources, money, popularity, etc. Though we have God, we have reduced ourselves to a bestial level which we have made the world an animal eating animal world. The most upset thing is some people, even Christians, around me think that everyone in the world is self centred. I was shocked when they asked me, “What is wrong to be self-centered?”  My question is if everyone goes and die, you want to go as well? It’s because of such mentality many people are suffering from spiritual poverty. By right, according to that self-centered mentality, we are better off than before but why does suicide rate keeps going up?  If it is the right way, people should not kill themselves. More and more people are dying alone at home and some are dead for a few days before they are discovered. If it is right, shouldn’t we rejoice over such incidents? Come on, ask yourself, “Will I look forward to having my life ending in that way? Will I celebrate it if my life or the loved ones were to end in that manner?” Yes, from the self-centered approach towards life, we are heading that way. Think carefully why we want to get married. Why do we need friends? Why do we need approval or attention of others?  Think a deeper level. Why?

My environment is very harsh no matter where I go. I have got no sanctuary to go to where I find peace or loving environment. I fend for myself most of the time. It is very tiring and depressing to face corporate world 24/7 in both my work and personal lives. Many friends think that I have a good life. Little do they know how bad my inner state is now.  I don’t like to show the whole world how pitiful I am with a sad or depressed face. The world won’t stop for you. It’s either you move or lag behind. I am working very hard to move forward. Deep in me, I know I cannot hang on for long at the rate I go. That is why I have decided to get my own flat and start anew. I need to have a breakthrough in life. I really need a loving environment to rest after facing harsh and cold corporate world during most of my working hours almost daily. I want a home where I can have laughter with my loved ones and friends, where there is no self centredness and inconsiderate behavior and hurtful words, where I feel safe and peaceful to rest well. It is going to be tough to support my new flat as a single since I cannot afford to be unemployed and yet the economy nowadays is volatile. The flat does not just fall from the sky. I have to fight for it. If I lose my job, there is nobody I can fall back on. I believe I have to work hard for a better life. It also means I still have to work if I fall sick. I have to be independent looking after myself even if I am sick. No point lamenting over what I don’t have. At least, I am still healthy enough to work.  If one job is not enough, two jobs. If not, three jobs.  I have to find my way out. I am a practical person. I don’t dream of any rich prince charming to save me from my state. I lock all my fairy tales behind the closed door.  To me, if God blesses me with a partner, it is a bonus. I won’t stoop myself to the level of marrying any Tom, Dick or Harry just because age is catching up. A partner to me is a soulmate to grow with. I also won’t accept any forms of abuse or insults to be accepted since I am a child of God. I am prepared to be mocked at as an old maid which some people already do. Anyway, I have learnt not all people who are together love each other and not all who love each other are together. Divorce rate is high as people nowadays do not have the mentality of fixing things when things go wrong but choose to discard things and get new ones. Marriage is no guarantee. Since God has blessed me with my life, I should be responsible for my own life as a steward to manage it which He will take away when the time comes. I don’t believe in whining like a baby. Where there is a will, there is a way. All I can depend on is our heavenly Father.  

With Love, 

Elena

In Memory of Amy

In the midst of my busyness yesterday, I took a break to read some Facebook posts. One of my friend’s Facebook posts shocked me. I read a few times before I could understand what she was writing. Again, another friend gone. I really hate such surprises. Sometimes when I do my usual news monitoring, I would see familiar faces on the obituary pages. I am very scared of such feelings. Whenever I see friends’ death, it hits me real hard since I don’t have many friends. I take every friendship seriously though I may not show it. The news of the death of my friend, Amy, somehow hit me quite hard beyond my expectation. I don’t know why I struggled very hard to finish my work as my mind seemed to paralyse me when I first got to know the news. When I saw the pencil holder with an angel on my work desk, my tears just rolled down while rushing through my work to meet deadline. This pencil holder was a gift from Amy before she left Singapore. The pencil holder brought back all the memories I had with her. She is one of the angels that I have met in my life.

I knew Amy at Tao Nan School. I am amazed by this woman. I admire her professionalism at workplace. No matter how some people made life difficult for her at workplace, I never saw her lose her temper. I ever told her she was one of very different woman I have met so far.   She was quiet and stoic but somehow, she had this silent strength in her. She would deliver her work with good quality. Never for once, I heard her complaining no matter how harsh some people would treat her. I agree with most people’s comments. She would always smile.

After I had left Tao Nan for years, Amy and I were only Facebook friends. Before she left in April last year, she sent me a message through Facebook messenger. I was surprised by her message. She asked me to join her and another friend for dinner as she was going to leave Singapore for good to Philippines for her family. What she messaged and did touched me. She told me she wished I could join them for dinner in that evening as my friend and I were among her very good friends in Singapore. Only then, I realized that I was seen as her good friend. I felt honoured to be one of her good friends in Singapore. I joined them for dinner.

Amy brought us to Jolibee restaurant in Lucky Plaza. She told me it was popular in her hometown. She wanted us to try the good Filipino food. I was really touched by her treat. She insisted on treating us to the well-known Filipino chicken outlet which I will never forget. I know she had been saving every single cent for her family back home. With the little money she had, she wanted to give us a treat and  joined the long queue to buy the food for us. That really touched me and showed me how much she treasured the friendship between us. She wanted to share the good things with us. She was generous to buy us dinner with that little money she could have saved up for herself and yet she even served us on her last day with us. That evening was very precious. She shared a lot about her faith and her personal life stories.  Amy was carrying a big bag with her around when she met us. In fact, the bag seemed bigger than her. That was also when I realized how skinny she was at that time and could feel how much she had to go through to get her family to have better quality of life by working had here. I felt she was a great mother and wife who worked hard silently. When we were about to part with one another, she took something out from the big bag. That was a present from her. It was the pencil holder with an angel sitting on my tray now. I was very touched. I knew I might not see her in Singapore again. I decided to take taxi with her as I wanted to spend more time with her before she got out of Singapore for good. Never would I ever know that that was really my last time seeing her.

In the taxi, Amy was sharing with me about what her dad had taught her. He kept telling her she had a plain look but she was beautiful. That gave her the confidence to face the harsh reality in life. Her dad had a great positive influence on her. She told me she had missed her children’s growing stages when she had to come to Singapore to work and save up for her family. She wanted to spend more time with them when she got back to Philippines. Amy was a contented person who lived in joy out of simplicity. She shared with me though Singapore is a developed country with more comfort and modern technology, she preferred a simple life back home with her family with limited access to Internet. Quite a strange thing coming out of the mouth of a teacher with Computer Science background. She restricted her children’s usage of Internet back home as it affected their quality time spent together. This showed how much she treasured the precious time she had with her family. After Amy had left Singapore, I sent her a Facebook message when I read about natural disaster in Philippines during Chinese New Year at the beginning of this year  to see if she was affected. I was relieved she was not affected. We chatted. Though her pay was much lower with no means to save up at all as a Math teacher in her hometown, she was contented and felt life was very meaningful. She relied on God to provide and continued to work hard. She went on to do her best to educate the next generation. 

To me, I agree with her dad, Amy was beautiful. I have never told her how much she had taught and touched me on that last day we met before she left Singapore.  That short trip in the taxi with her was very enriching and warm as she opened her life up to me for the first time. I will never forget how a normally stoic Amy turned into an enthusiastic child when sharing her life stories with me, especially her family. I will also never forget how she carried that big bag with her meeting us at Jolibee restaurant for the last time. She was so simple and yet deep. She was mature and yet childlike in her own ways. She thought that she was plain looking but something in her just attracted me to know her more. I admire her simplicity, sincerity and strength which I find very rare in the modern world where corporate settings are all about fighting and hypocrisy. With Amy, I did not feel such negative vibes from her. I wish I could have spoken to her more.

I am very sorry to know she had to lose her lower limbs before she passed on. It must be painful for her. I do not understand why she had to go through that before she returned to the Lord. I am not sure why she had to leave early. No matter what, I believe she is now in the good hands of the Lord.  I hope that her most beloved family will continue to stay strong and live on with Amy’s never-say-die spirit. I believe Amy would watch over her family from heaven with all the angels and saints and want to see her family to live on strong and continue to be blessings to the others just like how she was a blessing to all of us carrying on with her dad’s legacy  of simplicity and appreciation with her wherever she went. That was how she could bless others joyfully with the little that she had.  I believe her two young children will be well taken care of by God and carry on with meaningful life with the legacy of Amy’s love for them and share this love with the others by serving like Amy in the future.

Amy, thank you for being a gift from God to me. May your soul rest in peace. Though you may be gone physically, your spirit stays alive in every one of us. Eternal rest grant unto in the name of Jesus. I also pray that her family will be blessed with the necessary support, love and grace to go through the ordeal. May they be blessed with the strength, courage and grace to continue with leading their lives to the fullest like how Amy had led a colourful life serving wherever she went and set good example as a follower of Christ. Amy, once again, thank you for being a present in my life to teach me life lessons and how to be contented with what I have!

With sadness, 

Elena