Just come back from meeting each of my two friends at different places and different times respectively. Very exhausted now, I am glad to have my substitute public holiday today. Thanks to the Buddhists who are celebrating their Vesak Day. After five months of unemployment, it is very tough getting my momentum of working within a few days, especially when the workplace is far away. I think as time passes by, I should adapt quickly to the pace of work. Starting anew in a new working environment from a public sector to a private one needs more adjustment than changing to a new organization within the same sector. Somehow, though the takeover is overwhelming and still in progress, I like my workplace and its structure. It is more flexible and I am given more autonomy. My boss seems to be nice and my predecessor is full of praises towards this boss. The boss has spoken to me about her expectation towards me and she is very clear about what she wants at work and from her staff. I do feel the stress from her positive comment that she interviewed many candidates and she found me reliable and employed me. Why do I feel so stressed out? The reason is due to the fact that I could sense she has some high expectation of me. If I fail to work up to her standards, I may head towards failure at the end of my three month probation. She confessed that she tend to be picky when it comes to hiring people. She expects me to learn everything by next Wednesday. I also have very high expectation of myself, forcing myself to pick things up as quickly as possible. I get very stressed out as the handover is not smooth since my predecessor used the office communicator alot for other issues and used the email for other matters on the computer. I could not do much since there was only one computer which I am supposed to take over. Besides, during the takeover, it was very disruptive when she used the office communicator to communicate with others from time to time, disrupting our handover. I find the handover very messy as my flow of thoughts kept on getting interrupted. Well, the beginning is always tough. My colleagues know that I am stressed out and they encouraged me to take it easy. I am trying to sort the overwhelming information into categories at home. I am revising what I have learnt. Since the commencement of my work, I have been feeling very exhausted, especially mentally. I spent my whole Saturday sleeping. Though I am still feeling very exhausted yesterday, I went to meet each of my two friends in two different places at different times.
One of them was my church friend. I have not seen her for months. Though I felt like cancelling the appointment as I was exhausted and also fearful that she might talk about some church people I am not interested in and spread rumours about me again which I have got no energy and would not want to handle such nonsense again, I went to meet her to see how she was getting on and what help she needed. True enough, she needed advice on her career and ministry in church. As much as I could, I gave her some advice for her to do some soul searching with the guidance from God. As for her ministry, I asked her to pray to God if she should move on since she is going for masses in a different parish and her church ministry leader did not show her any understanding and respect. In fact, her leader has turned the ministry into a marketplace to do his business.
I have been wondering when Jesus is going to enter ‘the temple area and drove out all those engaged in selling and buying there. He overturned the tables of moneychangers and the seats of those who were selling doves’. When I was in that parish, I felt that parish was like a marketplace as some parishioners and leaders flocked together for some transactions and favouritism in the modern context of some leaders giving some parishioners leadership positions for some monetary or material benefits, fame or popularity, some leaders rendering some services to some parishioners they like and spending most time with them while choosing who they want to serve outside those circles, etc. I would not think that I could grow in such environment and I began to lose myself and faith. If a person is in a harmful or unhealthy environment long enough, he may be moulded or influenced to behave and act like them without knowing. We are social beings afterall with the ability to influence one another in some way or another. Yes, strong faith is essential to stay right and strong with God but we also need others to grow with us with some of them to guide us. If we submit blindly to authorities even if they are wayward or corrupted in some ways, we will also turn out that way. Discernment and wisdom play important parts to follow the Christ-like leaders who seek to serve God and others with the Spirit of Love but not self serving. It is very tiring to follow self serving leaders as they tend to leave the mess behind way after they have left the parishes and the people they have appointed as leaders tend to cause more divisions and fights in the community. I always believe I do not just reach out and serve others in the ministry but I also need the support from others and grow with the people. If not, sooner or later, I will suffer from spiritual burnout and may even bear resentment towards others in the long run. Christianity is not about individual heroism but about loving God and others walking with them towards holiness.
Now, I hope that I can reach out in my workplace. My predecessor is a new Christian. We talk about God alot. I enjoy such conversation with her. She also asked me for advice on how to handle some people. This is one way I am reaching out. Since my predecessor is going to university, I also help her to see how psychology can be useful in serving others in many areas. I enjoy talking to her as she is a mature and smart girl with humility. Though she is much younger than me, I admire her humility especially when she is a promising student with excellent A Level results. She did not boast about her brilliance. Instead, she thanked God for it. I learn from her about humility. My boss is also a Christian. Hopefully, I can learn from her not just professionally but also about life and Christianity. She seems to be a nice person so far. According to my colleagues even when they have done wrong, she has never raised her voice. According to my observation, she is a very hardworking person who never skives. I will learn the positive attitude from her. I will try to practise the Christian values at my workplace. There is some community work coming up for my department. Hopefully, I can help the children in small little ways behind the scene since our corporate social responsibility is mainly nurturing and helping children to realize their potential through mobile library for the poor children in Africa and some projects for students to participate in innovation. We have to dedicate at least one working day for it.
Here, I am, though very exhausted, I am happy and grateful to have a new tough beginning. My boss remembers I mentioned I want to learn new things during my interview. If I pass my probation and work for at least six months, she will send me for training. I may have a chance to go overseas for very short training with the department if the budget allows it. I am happy to be out of my past vicious cycle in my career and start anew. My boss gives me autonomy and flexibility on how I want to get my jobs done and when I report for work as long as I am at work before 9.30am and get my jobs done at the end of the days. I like the pantries here as a group of staff put in a lot of efforts and time on the design and the facilities and items. The pantries are nicely done with comfort. I enjoy free beverages and cheaper bread and titbits from the vending machines. We have tea ladies looking after the pantries. This organization really takes care of the staff benefits. I feel good as a staff here.
No matter where we are, we can always serve God as long as we open our eyes and care to see the needs of others. Jesus is in them. There is no need to fight with the others in the ministries of parishes to serve. We need many people outside the parishes to reach out to the others who may be waiting for help in any ways. I often admire people who serve quietly outside parishes without any leadership positions. These heroes are normally unsung. Only people who receive support or help from these heroes will know. These are the very humble people I admire from the bottom of my heart. Everyone has his own talents. Make full use of your God given talents for the good of others with the Spirit of Love. Enjoy serving as God’s instrument, man!!
Guess what I will be doing with my substitute public holiday today? I will be sleeping again. I guess I was born in the wrong year. I should be born in the year of pig instead of horse. I can go without food but I get cranky without sleep!! Zzzzzzzzz.........Resting enough to go further in life.
With Love,
Elena
