20 Seconds of Insane Bravery Saves You From A Lifetime of Embarassment to Others & You

Have just come back from a long walk alone along the road at Yishun after sending my friend home. I guess I really needed that long walk along to think things through and for reflection. My brain seems to work better at night and I sleep more soundly during the day. I really enjoyed the walk. But the price was high as I had to pay around $20 for the cab fare to reach home from Yishun. A lot of things went through my mind. There are certain people whom I miss very much. One had passed on and the other has left my life. I miss him very much and I can never see him again. I treasure every moment that we have spent together and I will keep them as God’s blessings to me. He is God’s gift to me. I hope he is doing fine now. All I can do is to pray for him. I have just received one good news. I see it as my Christmas gift from God. I have passed my test for one of the job interviews and I will be going for one final panel interview with the Executive Director and the Senior Manager. If everything goes well, I will get the job. Frankly speaking, I am not that confident. Basically, when I sent my resume for the position, I blur blur sent it after reading through the job scope as I was confident in doing the tasks in the job description. I only realized that the position was Senior Officer. Maybe, I feel threatened by the title and do not feel confident to take up the position. I really hope to get the job as according to my ex colleague and friends, this statutory board functions very much like private sector and the people there are fun loving. I have established quite a good relationship with the Senior Manager and feel at ease with her. Besides, this is the industry that I have always wanted to get in, i.e. Events management and something to do with lifestyle. The prospects seem good. If I do well, I may have the chance to get sponsorship for further studies. I do not have the luxury like my friends who have someone or resources to fall back on if they can’t work for some reasons. The only way to the further studies is to do well in my job and hope to get sponsorship from the organization for further studies. I have nearly reached my maximum grade for my level. The next level may need me to get a degree. If not, not only is my position stagnant, but also my pay which I can’t afford to since my parents will be depending on my brother and me and the prices of things here keep on going up. I also need money for me to go to old folks home when I am old. Really pray hard to get this job. I am really sick of changing jobs.


My friend asked me to do business with her again. She will come up with the capital and I will get the business. I have not accepted it as I am not comfortable with not coming up a single cent. Well, let me see how. She suggested we get into floral business. As for me, I am more interested in the food industry. I like pastries and cakes and coffee. I am thinking of setting up a business along that line. My friends often mention that I am born in the wrong part of the world. I do not like rice. I often go for Western Food and pastries. I believe in bonding over a cup of aromatic coffee and mouth watering cakes or pastries. I always bond with my friends in such cafes. Nothing is paradise more than savouring good food with friends and loved ones. It’s a blessing to eat. Look at the sickly people around us. Some of them cannot even eat. I always count my blessing that I can still enjoy delicious food.

This brings my mind to the movie that I have watched with my friend just now. It was ‘We Bought a Zoo’ It was about a man who wanted to have a new start with his two children after his spouse had passed on due to sickness and loss of job. He bought a zoo and spent a lot of money to revamp it for reopening. One sentence from the one of the characters struck me, ‘It takes 20s for insane bravery.’ What does it mean? It means if you love a person, though it may seem absurd or embarrassing to confess your feelings or it is too much for the pride to risk any rejection, it only takes 20s to risk it all for ‘embarrassment’ rather than a lifetime of ‘embarrassment’ to have the other party to misunderstand you, never knowing what you feel towards him/her and even gets hurt out of this unnecessary misunderstanding. How many times have we allowed our embarrassment or pride or lack of courage to confess true feelings to the other party causing him/her to suffer from the misunderstanding and the frustration or even regrets out of it? I was a victim once as the other party refused to tell me she had treated me as her child. I only knew that after her death. Do you know how much remorse and hurt I was bearing? It took me 8 years for me to sort things out as my grief was a complicated one. I guess this has a negative impact on my romantic relationship with any guys. It is scary to have similar misunderstanding. The more you love that person, the greater the damage is. I am just scared that I will know the person loves me only after his death. I really can’t take that.

That explains why I am honest with my feelings with the guys, whether I like them or not. I do not want them to have any false hopes on me. For those who are not interested in me, so be it. It may seem that I am thick skinned. Those people who know me well enough know that I am far from it. It also takes me a lot of courage to confess my feelings, especially those whom I love dearly. The deeper I love, the more difficult it is. I always find it a struggle to confess those feelings deep within. I am bad with handling feelings. They are strangers to me. I need more time to understand them and digest them before I confess them to the people involved. Rejecting someone is easy job for me. I always find romantic relationships great monsters for me to deal with, especially the ones dear to me. I have worked for many organizations. I have often got into awkward situations with male colleagues in most organizations I worked in. I do not understand why. I am crude with average look and bad temper and yet I seem to attract some of these guys in expressing certain feelings to me. I would always freak out and take some time to react. I guess these guys had weird taste for women which explained why I was one of their targets. I am sick of such things. I pray that the next guy who expresses his feelings for me would be my spouse blessed by God. I am sick of such games. They are emotionally tiring and I have no interest in such games.

The movie also taught me something. The leading male character avoided the places which reminded him of his time with his spouse. Towards the end of the show, he decided to face it and even brought his children to where he started his relationship with his spouse, telling his children,’ This is where possibility started.’ What he meant was his confession of feelings to his spouse which started their relationship led to the birth of his beautiful children. He had that insane bravery to express his feelings to her though he was scared. That scene was nice and warm. They saw their imaginary deceased beloved one smiling. The man asked the imaginary deceased beloved why such an awesome (or beautiful) (Can’t remember which adjective he used but along that line.) woman loved someone like him and the woman smiled with a reply,’ Why not?’ I guess when it comes to love, there is no calculation or measurement. You just love the person as who he is.

Though she was not around anymore, her spirit was still around as explained by the male character to his daughter. Her spirit had become part of the Spirit of Love in their hearts. To be precise, her spirit is part of the Spirit of Love in God’s plan. The encounter with everyone in our lives can never be replaced by anyone because everyone is God’s unique masterpiece and every encounter is unique. When a person dies, no matter how dear she is to me, I will never look for anyone to replace her. She is a unique spirit loving me in a very personal way which no one else can replace. Her spirit is part of the Spirit of Love kept in my heart for me to pass the love on to the others. My aunt has just lost her spouse to cancer. She has shared with my mum that she cannot get used to his absence. I went for the funeral wake and saw her. I could feel her intense feelings inside though she tried to fight her tears back. It does not matter how long a couple walk together. It matters how they walk together. It’s the process that matters since the destination is the same anyway which is death. I should say that my aunt and my deceased uncle had wonderful married life which could serve as a good example for married couples to learn from. They seldom quarrelled. My uncle was a simple man who drove my aunt around on his bike for breakfast every morning. He took care of all the bills at home so that my aunt would not have to worry a thing. My aunt is an easygoing person who is loved by many of us. Though their married life was simple, we could feel their blessings as couple. I really hope that my aunt would go through her bereavement with comfort and support from friends and loved ones. It is hard for her but I hope she will find new meaning in her bereavement and continue her life with courage and warmth. I could not do much since I seldom talked to her. All I could do was my presence during the funeral wake and held her elbow to comfort her. We also talked about cancer and I explained abit more about it. At least, by talking things through, she could find some release. Most women find comfort and even solutions by talking things through with others. I hope my little part did comfort her. Other than that, I would ask my mum to call her and see how she is getting on since she is closer to my mum nowadays. My mum does mention to me that my house has turned into a refuge. When people have problems or are dying, they seem to come to us for help or attention. I guess it is good that while we can, we help as much as we can. From it, we also learn to appreciate life at a deeper level and give thanks to God for the people still in our lives.

I think nothing is better than the mere presence of our loved ones and friends in our lives. Just before Christmas Eve, I met my group of friends. I just got my iPhone a few weeks ago and my friends wanted me to download Whatsapp to my iPhone so that we could chat. As I was curious, I began to play with it with my friends around me. That started with all of us communicating through Whatsapp and our table was dead silent until one of my friends told us the atmosphere was getting weird since we were all there physically and yet we communicated through Whatsapp. All of us laughed. I really appreciated what he said. It was true that why we focused on the typed text through the phones instead of enjoying one another’s presence. Nothing is more important than to be able to enjoy the presence of our loved ones and friends. Text through the phones is still abstract afterall. What is more prominently felt is one’s presence. If not, Jesus would not have incarnated for us to experience God’s otherwise abstract Love. Surviving on the abstract Word alone which is the bible is not complete. It must be lived out through our bodies and how we use our bodies to ‘speak’ depends on whether it is out of Love or pride. That is why I think this saying is true, ‘Out of sight, out of mind.’ I always believe in that. Words can only do this much but they can never replace the quality time spent together with one another. To me, sometimes, a couple do not have to say much. It can be romantic just to be silent and be in each other’s presence. It is a blessing to do things together or even exercise together.

That’s all for my sharing in this blog entry. The new year is coming. Happy New Year! Any wishes for the new year? For me, I hope to get a job where I can make full use of my strengths, gifts, passion, interest, personality and temperament to contribute positively to the organization and I can learn from leaders who are competent with wisdom and integrity. If it is God’s will for me to get married, I pray that no more weird guys expressing feelings to me which freak me out but according to God’s will, a guy who will be my spouse to nurture and build a relationship with me out of love and acceptance of me including my flaws and weak health and lead me closer to God, and for me to have the courage to overcome my fear to accept and love him as who he is. Each day is a hope. A new year, a new start. Always remember not to hold back expression of love to people whom you love by embarrassment, pride or lack of courage. It just takes 20s of insane bravery to express your true feelings of love to save you and your loved ones involved from a lifetime of embarrassment!


With Love,
Elena

The Necessary Letting Go and Courage Behind the Glorious Flying

Feel abit imbalanced psychologically. Have just got my December pay from my previous organization. I have worked the hardest in this organization than the previous ones and yet I do not get a single cent of bonus. I would have guessed so. If not, how could the monster justify why she had to let me go? She could not have possibly admitted that she was bearing grudges against me. Anyway, I am fine with it. After working for many years, I have learnt to accept injustice or unfairness. In my most recent organization, there was one colleague who snored daily during office hour and yet he could still continue to stay there. In other organizations, many colleagues skived like nobody’s business and yet they could still get bonuses. I do feel abit unhappy now. But, I am not going to dwell in it. I am looking forward to a new start in a new job. I still have not got any reply from any organization. Where there is will, there is a way. I really do not believe that I will continue to be so ‘down with luck’ for the rest of my life. As long as I live, there is always hope. Though, sad to say, my Christmas ‘gift’ from my previous organization is such a negative one, I believe good things will come soon. I have been feeling very unwell. Going out becomes a chore to me nowadays. I am still not sure what is happening. Hopefully, my body massage today (which I hate massage by the way) will improve my blood circulation. I also wonder when the construction in my block and the surrounding ones will end due to construction of new lifts. The dust is affecting my throat, lungs and nose as usual. Sigh! What am I supposed to do? DO I have to move house?


I have managed to go for a jog at the stadium on last Saturday. The air is damn fresh. I was watching the birds flying over my head. I really envy them flying so freely. It dawned upon me that we often envy how freely and high the birds fly. Some of us even yearn to be like them. However, have we ever gone back to the difficult moments when they were learning to fly? They were not born to know how to fly immediately. It is not easy task for them. They must have the courage to stop depending on their parents to feed them and staying in their nests for them to be dropped from the trees for them to flap their wings and fly. They must learn to have the courage to plunge from certain height so that they can flap their wings and fly. It takes a lot of courage to move out of the comfort zone and stop depending on others to feed them.

Nowadays, some of the people just want to fly skipping the process of learning how to plunge from a certain height and exercise their gifts. They refuse to move out of their comfort zones to try new things or to be independent from the people they have attached themselves unhealthily to. They will always ‘stay in their nests’ to be fed and never grow up. These people tend to miss a lot of miracles in life due to such lack of courage and novelty to explore. I always believe that God has created the world so big that I find it a waste not to explore it before my death. At work, I have encountered many such people. They may rise to certain high positions by stepping on others and making use of them to go up. When these people of high positions are in the meeting, they will bring a troop of subordinates who are involved in the agenda to answer the question for them while they just sweet talk and shake their legs getting fat bonuses. Try asking them deeper into the projects and you will realize that they are tongue tied. They are always the first people to push blame on the others when things go wrong. How can such people grow and own their responsibilities? Many people around them are cursing and swearing behind their back.

I always believe that one must have the substance with the right attitude to work hard to fly high. You will find such person with integrity as his attitude in everything is right and he does not have to step on others or make use of them for him to go up the corporate ladders. People who pin point or put others down or make use of others tend to be lack of self confidence and they, themselves, know that they do not have the substance within them. You will realize that they may be in their mid forties and yet behaving like a child. I have met many such people in my working life. Recently, one of the interviewers asked me if I mind reporting to someone younger than me. I gave her a look of puzzlement. I confessed to her that I do not mind reporting someone younger than me and I do not see why that should be an issue. She asked me what I looked for in a reporting officer or superior. I answered her I look for someone who is competent with integrity. It does not matter how old he is.

Of course, over the years, I do meet leaders or superiors whom I respect. One of them was my superior during my internship. He not only taught me skills at work but also reminded not to rush through learning and taking shortcuts and placing too high expectation on myself to suffocate myself. He taught me how to be a person with integrity and what it takes to be high up in the position and yet earn respect. Though he told me that more than five years ago, I still remember every word that he said. I do respect him till now as he is not only a smart scholar but also with wisdom and integrity. He is not afraid to teach me things and impart knowledge. Such leader is hard to come by. He even shared with me that he was never sick of seeing his spouse daily. In fact, he saw changes in her every moment, such as after she had learnt some new skills which made her a different person with new skills acquired, becoming a new person by having children, growing older every minute, etc. He enjoyed growing with her. This superior of mine changed my perspective of boredom as I got bored of people and things very fast. He taught me to go through the proper ways of getting things done instead of skipping the process of learning or taking shortcuts.

I thank God for such leaders from time to time to remind me not to abuse my intelligence. One superior even warned me that just because I was intelligent, it did not mean that I could get away from things every time. These leaders have become examples for me to learn to be leaders to the others under me at times. From the bad leaders, they serve as reminders not to be monsters like them and the fact that I see for myself how others suffer under them and I even suffer under them serves as a more impactful print of reminders on my heart. As a leader in some projects, I used to be a perfectionist monster. I expected things to be of such high standard at high speed that people under me suffered. After the projects, they gave me feedback that I was too perfectionist. I learnt from it and learnt to be more compassionate towards people working under me.

Any relationships are just like flying a kite. You cannot hold it too tight that it cannot fly high and snaps nor let go too much that it becomes out of control. Even in marriage where the spouses are supposed to guide and support each other play the same game. If anyone tries to be possessive trying to keep tab on every move of the other, the other will be suffocated and snap. He/She cannot go far or grow with the other people in his/her life. If both or one of them does not seem to care or give adequate attention to the other, the other will feel that he/she is not appreciated or loved. The relationship can never grow far. Might as well look for other people in their midst for such attention or appreciation.

This Christmas is a good time to repair broken relationships or friendships. If you have neglected anyone in your life, spend some time with them. If not, send them warm greeting messages. One good thing about sending such messages or giving gifts is that you appreciate their presence in your life and you still have an opportunity to express your love to them while you are all alive. Gifts or warm greeting is not just an expression of love to them but also a way to give thanks that they are still around in your life. How do I spend my Christmas this year? I will be celebrating Christmas with my non Christian friends at Vivocity and watch mid night show together as a group. I really thank this group of friends who never fail to include and accept me as part of them. On Saturday, I will go for a jog at the stadium and go for grocery shopping with my cousin for our Christmas celebration in my house during Christmas Eve. We are going to have hotpot and BBQ!! Hopefully, we won’t bun my house down. Woo hoo...Then, on Sunday, I will celebrate my best friend’s really belated birthday since she only has time during this weekend. Of course, I never forget God. All these blessings are from God. I do not deny that I will still stay away from church as promised. If it is God’s will for me to go back to Catholic church, the only way is to marry a Catholic lo. If not, for the sake of peace, I will stay away. Not anyone’s fault at all. I am the problem. So, just stay away. Meanwhile, I still chat with my Heavenly Father. If not, I will go haywired again.

What is my Christmas wish? My wish is to have a job which can best make use of my interest, personality, gifts, etc. and excel in it, learning things from wise and competent bosses. How about you? No matter which corner of the world you are, God is with and in you. Spend time with the people around you no matter where you are as all people in your life serve certain purposes. They are here to walk with you during different stages of your life. Learn to accept and love them no matter how different from you and you will realize that you are expanding your heart to love and the Kingdom of God. You become wiser and expand your horizon. It will come to a point when you will find a home no matter where you are required to go. Merry Christmas!! God love you & I love you too! :)

With Love,
Elena

I am the Alvin Chipmunk. Which chipmunk are you?

Just came back from a shopping spree with my friends. I did not buy anything since I am unemployed. Don’t know what happen to my right leg. I am limping. I guess it is due to the cold weather and it affects my leg as I have poor blood circulation. My friends and I watched a movie together. We watched Alvin and Chipmunks 3. It was very cute. I like the chipmunks alot. I like Alvin the most. I have always identified myself the most with Alvin. Even my brother and friends think that I am similar to Alvin.


Alvin is a chipmunk deemed to be irresponsible, troublemaker and one who does not obey rules. He does not deliberately disobey the rules. He just likes novelty and excitement. These are some traits that I see in myself. If not for my deceased teacher, I would have gone wild. There was one part of the movie which I identified most with Alvin. Alvin and his mates were stranded on an island. He thought Dave who acted as their guardian would not find them. Even if Dave found them, Alvin would presume that he was looking for Simon and Theodore. Though a troublemaker, Dave still loves him as who he is.

Everyone needs love and attention. Nobody likes to be ostracized or despised. Like Alvin, I am often seen as a troublemaker. Some teachers and bosses think that I am smart. Some find me irresponsible. All the while, I would never expect people to accept me. Most see me as troublemaker. I did try to be as normal and obedient as possible, doing things the same way as everyone. But, I really can’t. It’s not that I don’t want to. I even try so hard to change myself in church and government agencies that I am often warned that I am no longer myself and I will only torture myself. Only a few months ago, I have decided to leave my parish and job to be myself. I am much happier now and I am starting to find myself. I am just as blessed as Alvin. Dave in my life is my deceased teacher. No matter how far I had strayed, she would always be there for me. No matter how rebellious or how much trouble I had got into, she would still be there for me and even supported me through my polytechnic education. That is why till now, I have not strayed too far away from God.

I do not deny that like Alvin, I may not be popular and most people may not readily accept me. Some talk behind my back. Some despise me. Some ostracize me. Some keep on hurting me wit their words. It does not matter. One Dave is enough for me. And, God is enough for me. People who love me will continue to walk with me. Those who do not care for me have left my life for other people or ambition or things. Now, I am looking forward to finding a job where I can make full use of my gifts, personality and interest. I have been selective in my job search as I would not want to torture myself in jobs which cause me a lot of pain and struggle to fit in. I have had enough of that kind of working life for more than 8 years. I really want to excel in my career and shine in it. I want to earn more money for my family and save some money for myself to get into an old folks home and for my medical bills when I turn old. I am prepared to die lonely. After coming back from my uncle’s funeral, I am thinking of buying a space in the columbarium at Mandai. It cost only $750 now. If I buy later, it may be more expensive. My mum was shocked when I said that and asked me not to say such inauspicious words. I explained to her I have been having weak body and I will never know when I will be the next to go. By not talking about death, it does not mean that I won’t die.

Basically, I have checked the price range of a space at various locations in the columbarium at my parish. Wow, it cost a few thousand dollars at the eye level. I am thinking maybe, if it is permitted, it is better to throw my ashes into the sea. Anyway, after my death, I do not need anyone to visit me in the columbarium and I do not need anyone to remember me. I also doubt anyone will attend my funeral, not to mention anyone visiting me in the columbarium. I have left the Catholic church. But, I still want a Catholic funeral. I have never abandoned God and the church teaching. The only thing I do not fulfil is my Sunday obligation. Most probably, when I die, Catholic funeral is not allowed in my case. Never mind. No matter what, I still love God. I really want to be home with the Lord when my time comes. It is up to Him to accept me or not.

I will not go back to the Catholic church. Not out of any grievances but out of Love. It is still best for me to stay away for everyone’s good and I can’t handle the people inside. The only way to go back is when I marry a Catholic. I am still praying hard for it. Why is that so? I would not want to reveal here. I will feel more peaceful and assured with a man with strong faith to walk with me and guide me. I know I am like Alvin. I need someone to walk with me. Meanwhile, I will stay outside church and continue my priestly duties and prayers. I still recite the Nicene Creed as I want to proudly proclaim myself as a Catholic. I really hope to find a job soon and put all my focus on excelling in it. I also hope that I will not bump into some weird men acting weird or trying to get too close to me. I am not attractive nor capable nor a person with good character. It is really annoying that I always get into such awkward situations at workplace no matter which organizations I get into or parishes or even during some social events. I find it a waste of time handling them. I hope that the next time a guy shows interest in me and confesses his feelings to me will be my spouse blessed by God. Really hope that like Alvin, I will shine in my career with my gifts, personality and interest.

With Love,
Elena

My General Philosophy Towards Life

Have just received a call that my uncle who has been suffering from stomach cancer has just passed on in this morning. I wonder how my aunt is coping since he has been really dear to her. Sometimes, being husband and wife does not mean that you have really dear to each other. At least, in my aunt’s case, they are really dear to each other. Besides, my cousin is pregnant. I hope that she is taking it well since the whole family is closely knitted. To my uncle, it is a relief. He has been getting in and out of the hospital very often. It exhausted the family and himself. It has come to a stage where he could no longer eat at all for the past few weeks. More or less, we were anticipating him to pass on soon. So, now, he is relieved from his suffering.




I want to go for his funeral wake, mainly to see my aunt and pay my last respect to my uncle. My mum, as usual, being superstitious, refused to let me go, claiming that my Chinese horoscope clashes with one of the gods. She has been doing that and I have to keep on tolerating her. I have missed a few funerals just to avoid the conflicts. But, for this funeral, I can no longer tolerate such superstitious nonsense. I told her off. I know I sounded rude but I think she is too much. I asked her if my Chinese horoscope happens to clash with one of her gods in the future, does it mean that I can choose not to go for her funeral? She kept quiet. I know I sounded rude. But, I think she has to wake up. At this time, my aunt needs our support. Anyway, it is part and parcel that everyone has to die someday. By avoiding funerals does not mean that I will not die. I will still give in to my mum by giving her the peace that I will shower with the flower holy water after coming back from the funeral wake on Sunday night. I also explained to her that it does not make sense that I went for my cousin’s wedding and yet I avoided my uncle’s funeral due to some illogical superstition. What is more important; to follow some blind superstition or to provide any support to my aunt at this time? I told my mum if she refused to let me go, I will go there by myself. Anyway, I am a Catholic. I believe God will protect me wherever I go. This is not the time to avoid but to show that I care with my presence at the funeral wake. My mum gives in and we are going for the funeral wake on Sunday night.



I guess I have this problem of bottling things up until I blow up all at once. Most of the time, in order to maintain the peace in a family or community or even among friends, I will try to tolerate for at least one year with a person’s repeated nonsense. Sometimes, when I blow up at once, people thought that I am temperamental. Recently, I think my tolerance towards a friend has reached my neck. I am not aware that I have got enough until I met another friend yesterday that I confided in her. I shall name that friend as A here. Whenever I get any good jobs, A will try to put me down by telling me my employer employed me because she was forced to do so by her boss, I may have got through my first interview but I may not pass my test, etc. She even compared her grade and position and pay with me which I have never divulged such information to avoid any ill feelings from her. She even went down to the level of criticizing my appearance and even my features. Whenever she does such thing, the first thing I would always do is to reflect on myself, asking myself if I have been boasting about my achievements or appearance or have ever put her down. I honestly have not. I even help her in her work and projects and constantly encourage or comfort her whenever she calls me. I don’t need her to praise or appreciate me. I just hope that she will stop her nonsense before I blow up with my sharp tongue. We have another good friend who is no longer as close to her anymore as she also did that to that friend until that friend could no longer tolerate her insult. My friend has asked me to talk to her. I am still thinking how I should put it across to her without hurting her since she has inferiority complex.



I have minimized my socialization as I feel it meaningless. I do not know how to act and I find many people like to compete. I have got no interest in any competition against anyone, especially loved ones and friends. Office politics is enough at the workplace. All I want is to be myself and enjoy my time with my loved ones and friends. If I really want to compete, I would have done so. But, I simply have got no interest to win. So what if I win? Will it be inscribed on my tombstone when I die one day? The only person I compete with is myself. Am I a better person as years pass by? Have I walked closer to God or turned into a monster towards Satan? I may look aggressive or fierce. If not necessary, I hate to scold people. I know I have very sharp tongue which is why I tolerate with a lot of nonsense till I can no longer take it.



Life is precious. It is not about winning. It is about how to live life to the fullest. We are not here to tear one another down. We don’t need to waste the energy and time to do that ourselves. Let the natural disasters do that. We are here to build one another up. So what if you win the whole world but no one shares your achievements and joy with you? Worse still, it leaves others cursing you behind you. It may take three years to build close relationships but it may take only three minutes to break them. Why break the relationships over senseless competition? By putting others down, deep within yourself, does it mean that you are any prettier, more capable or smarter? You know that the facts are still there that everyone has traits better than the others, better than you and vice versa. By putting others down, the ugliness in you is even more prominent. It goes to show the brokenness in you. Instead of going around hurting others and pulling others down to place yourself in a more delusional superior position, why don’t you see how you can improve on yourself so that you are truly a better person, you can then proudly tell God and others that you are a better person today than you were yesterday? Then, you use your talents and gifts for the good of others.



Nowadays, individualism is overemphasized that some people may step on one another’s toes to get what they want. Yes, it is healthy to embrace yourself as who you are, as a unique child of God. It is important to have healthy ego. But, it does not stop there. It is about how you are going to use your unique qualities and gifts to complement others’ unique gifts and talents so that everyone and share God’s Love by coming together as the different parts of the body of Christ with Christ as the head. The healthy ego is essential for you to love yourself in Christ way so that you can stretch yourself to love others in Christ way, fulfilling the second commandment of loving thy neighbour as thyself.



Ok, that is all for my sharing in this blog entry. Basically, I really don’t know if anyone bothers to read my blog entry. Anyway, that is not my concern. I still write it to leave it as my legacy of Love. If anyone needs any words from me, God will direct the people to this blog. If not, it is a way of expressing my ideas and thoughts that are all clogged in my small brain. I have been sick for too long. Hopefully, if my health and the weather permit, I hope to go back to the stadium to jog. Then, I will visit my grandfather after that. On Sunday night, I will be going for my uncle’s funeral wake. On Monday, shopping spree and KTV with friends again! Next week is the Christmas week. I will be busy shopping for grocery and food for my family gathering at home during Christmas Eve. The day before Christmas Eve will be gathering with friends. Come to think of it, I still have not bought any presents for gift exchange. No matter where you are, see how you may make this season of giving interesting. It is not just giving generously out of Love but also to receive with gratitude. Even if you do not receive any gifts, the birth of Christ should remind us of our own births as gifts from God for us to enjoy what we have so far in life. As long as we live, we have hope. Always remember that there is always the sun behind the dark clouds....

With Love,
Elena

Strengthening Family Bond Through Christmas

Hurray! Christmas Day is coming soon. Have been busy planning for Christmas gathering at home for my family. For the celebration this year, I will not be celebrating in the church during Christmas Eve. Instead, I will be celebrating with my family members, gathering a few families together. I am the main organizer for it. I have always loved gathering. Have not done that for Christmas for years. The last time I organized such gathering was more than a decade ago at my aunt’s place. For the celebration this year, the scale is the biggest. The objective is to share our Love with one another. A few of us are looking forward to this celebration together. My mum, cousin and aunt will be helping me to get the food since I do not know how to choose fresh food. (Ok, I have not really done any marketing or house chores at home. I don’t even know how to cook. So, I really need help!!!)


I know it is wrong for me not to go back to the Catholic church for the celebration since this special occasion is about Christ. I admit that my church friend asked me to go for the penitential service yesterday at my church which I have rejected. Most probably, I no longer find the meaning of spending time in church with people I am not comfortable with anymore. I do not see the meaning of it. Most of them will want their ‘types’ to be around. Eversince the Year of the Priest musical play where they only recruited their ‘own people’ for help, I have given up trying to fit in. But, I have never forgotten Jesus. Without him, I would have died long time ago. I do examine my sins daily and lift them up to God. Without Jesus, I know I can easily go wayward. I still believe in my faith. I still believe in the Nicene Creed and recite it from time to time. I know it does not make sense to recite it since I do not go to church. But, God knows my heart. I do not need to explain to anyone. They can think whatever they want. I no longer care.

For the Christmas this year, instead of going for mass with people whom I am uncomfortable with and I have to put up with the act with them which I have always been disgusted with, I rather spend time with Jesus through my family and friends though they may not be Christians and yet I feel the spirit of sharing. December has always been my busiest month yearly since there is a lot of gathering. My focus for this year is on strengthening the bond among the families. So far, so good. This Christmas planning has even led to Chinese New Year planning next year. No words can express how happy I am inside. This is my way of evangelizing. It is all about Love. A few of my family members are generous with their money for such gathering since I am unemployed. I am really thankful for the contributions as no amount is too insignificant. We may not be rich but such simple gathering is rich to the souls. My little nephew and niece will be joining us for the first time too. Hurray!

I wonder how my ex formation leader is. I have not contacted him since my last email and sms. I wonder how he is now. How about my priest? Is he coping well with his cancer? How about my dear Fr JJ from IHM? I wonder how he is coping now. As for my uncle, my uncle has been getting in and out of the hospital. Now, he can no longer take any food but is on drip. We are not sure how long he can take it. My grandfather is doing okay in the nursing home. But, it upset me when he is getting cookies from others even though we have bought some for him. As for him, we have asked our uncle to drive him to our house for reunion dinner during Chinese New Year Eve. I am not sure how he is feeling inside. According to my mum, he is always very happy whenever my mum visits him. I have been feeling very bad towards him. When I was watching ‘Money Not Enough 2’ on last Saturday, I feel that his predicament is similar to the mother who was kicked around by her children in the movie as she fell sick and lost control of her urination. No words could express how upset I felt over my grandfather’s situation now. My parents will take turns to visit him weekly. My family is poor. We can’t give him much. The only bit we can doi s to buy his favourite food for him to enjoy weekly, Hopefully, he will feel the family love from us and never feel that he is unwanted. Deep inside, I still respect him as my learned and strong grandfather. These people have been in my prayers regularly. I know God will take good care of them.

Ok, I have to go to sleep now since I have been falling sick again. Sigh! I have skipped another voluntary duty due to my stomach cramp and low blood pressure. I would not want to trouble anyone and attend to me instead if I faint since I am required to stand for hours. This is the second time I have skipped it due to my health. How are you spending your Christmas this year? Anyone around you needs this Love to be shared, especially, the lonely ones, the sickly ones, the orphans, the poor, even your own loved ones who miss you, etc.? There is always someone you may reach out to and embrace. It’s just a matter of whether you care to open your eyes and look out for them and give them your attention. Even reading the news or watching movies may become tools to remind us of the various needy people and provide us the platforms to pray for them. Simple prayers may also be gifts for these people as we remember them and appreciate them as gifts through our prayers. I hope you are enjoying your Christmas no matter where you are. You are never lonely for there are many needy people out there going through it with you and also people who miss you. Fasting may be a way of sharing such emptiness through Love with them, enriching one’s soul. So, if you are feeling lonely or uncared for, fasting helps to enrich oneself, keeping in mind of the hungry ones, be it in physiological or psychological form. Whenever you find yourself lonely, close your eyes and visualize Jesus embracing you. If you are feeling cold, get yourself a cup of hot chocolate, warming your body and heart with Jesus’ warm blood flowing through your body. So, never where you are, you are never alone for Jesus is with and in you wherever you are. :)



With Love,
Elena

The Philosophy Of Not Wearing A Hat Too Big For My Head

Have come back from meeting a close friend. On my way back in bus, the bus nearly got into accident and the driver stepped on the brake suddenly and a few standing passengers were almost thrown to the floor. I really don't know how people drive nowadays. That was not my first time nearly got into an accident. Most of the time, I slept in the bus when the accidents happened. Fortunately, I would always wake up from the screaming from the other passengers or the force from the sudden brake from the buses without any hurt inflicted on me. I should say that God has been protecting me from harm and injury from the accidents. I remember during the Chinese New Year a few years ago, the cab that I was in almost overturned when it skidded and ended up at the other side of the road where the coming vehicles would have hit my side. I escaped that accident as the cab miraculously did not overturn and there was not any vehicle coming towards us. The cab driver was shocked and scared and I could see his hands shaking until we reached our destination. During the year before last, the coach that I was in suddenly stopped to avoid banging into a stupid car which suddenly cut into the lane in front of us and I was almost thrown to the front window as I was sitting on the first seat. Somehow, I managed to grab the hand grip tightly since I was picking something up when the incident happened. If not, I cannot imagine what would have happened to me. I am very convinced God was protecting us. I know I am more accident prone on the road. Somehow, God has kept me safe from all the accidents. I know that is because God loves me.




Have been going for job interviews. Most of them are statutory boards or Ministry. Only one of them was a private organization. I think I am in serious trouble. The interviewers would laugh at my answers as I tend to joke. I keep on forgetting that I am in a job interview and I would start joking if I feel that the interviewers are not that solemn. Sigh! How do I remind myself to stop doing that? Sometimes, they were shocked by my answers and laughed as if they have never heard people putting serious matters in that manner. I am a very blurred person. Sometimes, I would just apply for the jobs after reading the job scopes without realizing which positions I am applying for. When I am going for the interview, I realize that I have applied for some high positions to my shock. I do not wear a big hat if my head is not big enough, meaning that I will not apply try to be smart taking high positions if I am not confident to do the jobs. I believe that the organization pays me for my services. So, to be fair, I should not overpromise and underdeliver. It is about integrity. If I am not honest about little things, how can God entrust me with great things?



During one of the job interviews, the interviewer offered me a higher position but I rejected. I posted it on my Facebook. Friends with kind intention asked me to take up the position and one even scolded me stupid for not taking it. I know all of them mean well. The truth is that I have been out of the IT industry for a few years and I am not confident of taking up the higher position. I rather start from the support role and learn things. If I am capable, I believe I can be promoted later. At least, from the support role, I can catch up with things happening in the industry. Even the interviewer looked at me with a shock and asked me why I chose to go for the support instead of the executive position that she has offered me. Of course, it is tempting to take the executive position as I can prove to my friends how capable I am and the pay is higher.



But, if I really want to compete with people around me, I could have done so when I was in Secondary school when my Sec 2 form tutor recommended me to the principal that I had a high chance to get into Express Stream. I chose to stay in the Normal Steam as I wanted to spend more time with a sickly loved one and I did not see the meaning of competition in studies whenever I saw how good Express Stream students studied so hard without much life just to compete. Of course, some of them just wanted to have bright future. For me, since that time, I know life is short. Nobody should decide how I should live my life. To me, spending time with a loved one while she was around was more important though I was fully aware that I would always be despised for being a Normal Stream student and I would have to spend one more year in school. To others, I was stupid. But, I couldn’t be bothered.



I went back to Polytechnic to visit my lecturers a few years again. One of them was very concerned about me, confessing to me he was worried about me as I seemed to be lagging behind my peers as they would be earning more money than me or holding on to higher positions. I just smiled. If I mind, I would have competed with them in school. I find the competition meaningless. The only meaningful competition is against self. How much have I improved over the years? I do not want to wear a hat that is too big for my head. Yes, taking up that executive position can show off to friends that I am capable. Do I really need to do that for my self worth? Is my self worth dependent on the position I hold on to or the job that I am doing? I do feel bad when some people are sarcastic towards me. Get very upset inside. Nobody wants to hear nasty or demeaning words. Some even told me I managed to get into statutory board as an executive because the interviewer’s boss forced her to accept me. But, I still find it silly to compete. Life is more than that. Many people around me have graduated or are graduating from the universities though I did better than them in schools when we were schoolmates. Yes, I am lagging behind them even when the results back then proved that I did better in my studies than them. After some of them have graduated, I even have to take their sarcasm. What can I do? Anyway, many bosses have told me over the years that I am a capable person. I am just lack of the tertiary education to go up the corporate ladder. I have tried to save up but failed. I get very frustrated inside. Who knows? When I get very stressed out at work, somehow, before I know, my spending is out of control until I get shocked by my bank statement. I am also sick of myself. I can easily forget about my goal of getting into university though I yearn for it. I really don’t understand why I am so easily distracted.



It still stands that I will not go for a big hat for my small head. It is very tempting to hold on to high position and under perform. Anyway, even if I underperform, my friends will not know and I can continue to lie to them. But, I really hate to do that. I hate lying. Each job is blessed by God. If I am really capable, I can survive everywhere. If I should get into university, I will be blessed. If not, according to God’s will, I may not even need that certificate to do well in life. Of course, deep within, I hope to get into university as I had promised someone in front of her casket that I would get in and complete it. But, I am trapped in the difficulty of saving up the money. I am also at a loss how I should remind myself I will not spend impulsively when getting distracted. When some of my friends thought that I came from a prestigious school or was a distinction student, I would always be upfront with them that I came from neighbourhood schools and I was just an average student. Why try to wear a big hat when my head is not big enough? If I force myself with a big hat, I will never feel comfortable and it will cover part of my face. So, if I lie by claiming that I came from a good school or was a distinction student, I would always have to hide part of my true self and would never be able to accept and love myself as who I am created by God.



I am happy for my friends that they are doing well in life. I do not mind them doing better than me, getting higher pay than me. But one thing I mind is when some of them start showing off and giving me sarcastic remarks. That is when you see my facial expression change. I ever shared with my best friend. In school, I did better than her, I learnt faster than her. But, so what? Being smart is not everything. She is now studying in an university, getting much higher pay than me, holding on to much higher position than me and even going to own her own flat. When compared to me, I have nothing. However, I am happy for her. I told her she deserves what she is enjoying now as she has positive attitude towards life and she can focus very well. She has never shown me any bit of despise or sarcasm. That is why we have never had any argument for more than a decade ever since we left school.



The summary of what I have tried to share can be found in Luke 14:8-11



8

"When you are invited by someone to a wedding banquet, do not recline at table in the place of honor. A more distinguished guest than you may have been invited by him,

9

and the host who invited both of you may approach you and say, 'Give your place to this man,' and then you would proceed with embarrassment to take the lowest place.

10

Rather, when you are invited, go and take the lowest place so that when the host comes to you he may say, 'My friend, move up to a higher position.' Then you will enjoy the esteem of your companions at the table.

11

For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted."



The meaning of not wearing a hat too big for the head is summarized by the quoted bible verses above. Though I have left the church, I still have not forgotten God’s Word. I am still imperfect in many ways. But, I am still learning. If I have been protected from those accidents or any diseases so far, that means I still have each day for me to fix broken relationships, set things right according to God’s will and serve others. I still have a chance not to die with regrets. I rather be humble and admit my flaws and limits than trying to act holy and trying to be God to others. Acknowledgement of limits and vulnerability is the first step in opening oneself to God for transformation. Lies and denial will only cause a person to drift away from God and God can never get through those layers of masks for His light to shine on the dark areas of my life.



Ok, enough of my sharing. I have been feeling very down with many people falling sick or critically ill. I am also not feeling well recently. I think I have flunked the test that I did at home with a lot of distraction. That means I have lost that job I like. I also got sarcastic remarks from a friend instead of encouragement. I get mad at myself for being impatient with my nephew as no scolding or talking seems to help him to stop certain bad habits. I am also keeping certain things which I see and I get very frustrated inside. I am feeling lousy inside. But, I know that there are always ups and downs in life. As I have shared with my friend who is feeling down through Facebook, I am feeling very lousy too. But, I endure the down and look forward to the up so that I would appreciate the up deeper. I commented those remarks on his posting. I hope it cheered him up. As for me, I wonder when I can stop losing job, whether I can ever save up enough money for tertiary education, when my health will start improving, etc. I hang on to the hope through prayers. I am looking to the sun behind the dark clouds....



With Love,

Elena

Fighting Life Battles Together!!!

Just come back from the movie after a gathering with some old friends. At first, I was hesitant about going for the gathering as I know one of the friends, as usual, would talk about the guy who used to be close to me. She has done that deliberately for more than ten years to prove that that guy likes her more than me. Isn’t she tired of it? I guess a leopard cannot change its spots is apt on her. I am quite amused that she is still feeling insecure and does that at her age. Basically, I do not really mind but I think she should stop it as it makes the whole atmosphere uncomfortable since my friends have to entertain her by teasing her to be that guy’s date. Personally, I just hope that the guy who used to be close to me to be successful in his career and marry a woman who loves him dearly and grows old with him and set up a family with him out of Love. I just feel sad that things ended up for us in a way that whenever there is a gathering, it is either he or me who is present since he does not seem to forgive me. Maybe, I have hurt him too deeply. I don’t know. Well, as long as he is fine, I am happy for him.


I have been busy with my job interviews and tests for the jobs. It is tiring for me. I have passed the first interview for one of the jobs that I like. But, I think I am going to flunk the test as I did it at home and I was very distracted by my nephew. He cried and wanted to look for me. When I got him out of the room, he was crying. So, there goes my job. I was quite upset at first. In the end, I just see it as a blessing in disguise. Maybe, the job may not be as suitable for me as I deem it to be. I lift it up to God. So far, mostly, statutory boards and government agencies responded to my application. I have one more to go on this Thursday.

During last week, I received another bad news and a false alarm. This bad news is my ex formation leader in RCIA has advanced stage of liver cancer and the cancer cells have spread. I have emailed and smsed him. He has not responded so far. I leave him alone to spend his time with his family and friends. In my email and sms, I just wanted him to know that I care as a friend and I am there with him in my prayers. All I can do is to pray for him. I have been praying for 4 people who are critically ill and are either close to me before or my relative. One false alarm was from the church. Two church friends smsed me early in the morning that my priest was at the eleventh hour of his death. After that, no further news from them until I smsed one of them for the updates. Then, she clarified that he was recuperating at home. I really hope that these people who are passing the information to the others try to be more prudent and accurate in their information. If not, it may cause unnecessary distress to the recipients and seem to be cursing the victim mentioned. It is no fun. If there is any mistake in the information, the informers should clarify. No matter what messages we pass to the others, we should be responsible for our words. In fact, I got quite frustrated with these informers for such information and yet never bother to update us again giving us an impression that my priest was dying.

My grandfather has gone back to the nursing home. My parents and relatives have been taking turns to see him. He seems happy there. I have not had the chance to visit him as I have been falling sick. In fact, I have missed one walk that I have registered for and a day of voluntary duty as I fell sick suddenly. I also don’t know what happen to me. I can suddenly have difficulty waking up and fall sick. If not, I can suddenly have fever for no reason. Till now, I have not had a chance to visit my grandfather since I do not want to spread the virus to him.

I was watching a movie titled 50/50 as my reflective material just now. It was about a 27 years old man fighting his cancer. He did his research online and found that he only had 50% of survival with such rare spinal cancer. As I was watching the show, a lot of things went through my mind as usual. I had the chance to get in touch with my deeper feelings. I was looking from the perspective of a loved one of the terminally ill person. When a terminal disease strikes, not just the sufferer is tortured but also the close friends and loved ones; the stronger the bond, the more painful it is to see the loved one suffering from such incurable disease. More than a decade ago, a loved one left me. I did not spend the last moment with her, not even a chance to apologize. I know God has forgiven me and she has never blamed me for anything. I know I am forgiven. But, such regrets are die hard facts that are with me for the rest of my life. When she was still around, I kept on praying to God innocently that her disease would be transferred to me so that she would not have to suffer daily and could continue to enjoy quality life with her loved ones and friends and continue to teach more students with her passion. Who knows she died even more tragically? For a period of time, I blamed myself for praying to God such prayers and I was scared of praying for anyone again for the fear that someone else would die tragically. Over 8 years, God healed me and showed me that He would never abandon me and my loved one’s tragic death had got nothing to do with my prayers through His loving children. As a loved one of the sufferer, I am really scared of seeing the person walking away from me with her back facing me. To me, it is morbid as I visualize the person leaving through the door of death alone. I can’t help it but feel the loneliness and fear in the person travelling through it alone. When she was still around, I kept on asking her to scold me if she was in the bad mood or had got no outlet to vent her feelings. I am not a sadist enjoying to be tortured. But, it pained me more to see the sufferer staring into blank space, looking hopeless. Sometimes, I even felt her frustration and helplessness inside her while talking to her. As the loved one, I even felt guilty for not being able to suffer for her at all. Towards her, I had failed to walk with her till the end as I had chosen to leave her alone with her family and friends, thinking that she would be happier and less worried about me, thus less stress caused by me. However, all she wanted was just a greeting or acknowledgement of her presence from me. But, I had failed to.......From the show just now, the patient threw his tantrum on his friend who went through it all with him in the car. His friend never left him and he even found a book titled Fighting Cancer Together at his friend’s apartment. His friend was always there to walk with him despite his girlfriend’s abandonment of him. How I wish I could be that friend for my loved one for her to continue to throw her tantrums on me till she died. I rather she throws her tantrum on me than experiencing her total absence.

In my previous blog, I did mention that another loved one of mine is suffering from a rare kidney disease. Most probably, at the age of slightly more than one, she has to get her right kidney removed. I do not show my feelings about it much. But, I am deeply upset inside, especially whenever I look at her innocent smiling face. I can’t imagine her going through that. She has been coming to my house daily during weekdays since my mother is taking care of her. Now, I am clearing my leave. I am spending most of my time at home. I am in dilemma at times. I love her alot and yet I am afraid of getting too close to her. Whenever I see her smiling to me or following me around the house, I enjoy her alot and yet I get upset why she has to go through that. At the back of our minds, especially her parents’, sometimes, certain unusual actions or reactions from her scare us as we are not sure if her kidney is going against her or causing her any pain. She is dear to me as I have been hugging her, carrying her, playing with her, talking to her daily though she is not my child. She is very lovable. Sometimes, she would look into my eyes and talk to me with her baby language. Though I do not understand her language, I feel the bond between us stronger. Whenever I reach home, she will always come towards me with her smile with two lovely dimples. I am praying very hard that she does not have to go through the major operation to get the kidney removed. Operations, big or small, carry certain level of risks. I have gone through three surgeries with one of them failing to respond to the LA, resulting in 45 mins of pain from the surgical procedure with the full knowledge of what they had done throughout the procedure which also scared the surgical team. Any body which has gone through the surgical knife will never be the same as before. That is my personal experience. Moreover, she is very young. When I went for her checkup with her once, she was the youngest patient around. I really pray that she will be a strong and healthy person who will do well in life no matter what.

We can’t suffer for the sufferer. What we can do is to fight the disease together with her. She is not going through alone but with us. When a person suffers from terminal disease, quality of life is greatly reduced and dignity as a person is lost as the sufferer can never function and socialize as well as she could in the past. The only way to improve on the quality of life of the sufferer and to show that she is still worthy as an individual is to support and be there for her even if she refuses to open herself for any love at first. I believe true love comes from sincere heart and the Holy Spirit is at work. Any true love comes from God for God is Love. As long as we love with sincere hearts and seek God’s guidance, the Holy Spirit will direct our actions and appropriate words will come out of our mouths will come out at the right time when the sufferer is ready to open up for receiving such love. There is no rush in forcing the sufferer to open up for our love as she also needs time to come to terms with her terminal disease which is part of her cross, part of her. She also needs time to digest such news and adjusts herself to the new lifestyle. Only God knows the time and space for appropriate actions and words to give her hope and comfort her.

Ok, time to go to sleep now. I am on leave now. Have been sleeping alot as I have been feeling very tired. On my last day of work on last Wednesday, my colleagues gave me a mini surprise by giving me what I needed. They gave me Clarin gift set with hand cream, body lotion and shower gel. God really knows my heart. I have been thinking of which French brand of hand cream I should buy as I have peeling skin on my hands since young. So far, due to my very dry and peeling skin on the fingers, I have never managed get through the self check automatic custom clearance at the airports or any customs. I would always be put into embarrassing situations when the custom officers asked to move aside with many people staring at me thinking that I have committed some crimes. What to do? This gift set comes at the right time as I have been wanting to buy hand cream. The monster asked to talk to me on my last day. I don’t know what happened. I suddenly advised her and she confided in me. My colleagues told me I was very daring to advise a group director and they even asked me to consider becoming a counsellor. Well, I advised her as I cared as a person. Till now, I am still not sure why those words came out of my mouth to encourage her to be more confident and we talked about faith and God. It was a surprise to me that she took it very well. I guess it was the working of the Holy Spirit to use my mouth as God’s instrument of Love. Personally, though we had conflicts and I felt tortured and maligned under her, I still think that she has a good nature. Due to some of her personal reasons which I shall not disclose here, she had such nasty and despicable behaviour to protect herself at the expense of her staff. Well, I have done my part in praying for her and even having the audacity to advise her. The rest is up to her. For me, I admitted my mistakes and apologized to her. I am still learning. As long as I am living, I can always improve myself. There is nothing wrong with having flaws. It is just about using these so called flaws in Christ way so that they become positive vehicles to share God’s Love. Just like in the business world, problems or obstacles can be seen as opportunities to do things differently so that things or situations improve, giving birth to innovation or creativity. Don’t be afraid to have flaws. Embrace your flaws as part of you and ask God for guidance to use them in Christ way for a better world and a personal breakthrough in your life.



With Love,
Elena

Cherish the people around you!

It is my last day of work today. I have two colleagues who are cute. They placed something on my desk without mentioning who the givers are. I have to go around hunting for them. I know who one of them is while the other one seems mysterious to me. I am very distracted now. I am doing research on the organization where I will be going for an interview, chatting with friend on Facebook, finding out more on the Safari Run, replying email on my handover of items before I leave at 3pm, etc. This is how I work. I tend to open many windows on my computer screen and working on a few things at the same time. My colleagues asked me if I feel sad leaving the organization. My answer is a No. Maybe, I have got used to changing organizations. Life experience has taught me parting is part and parcel of life. Nowadays, I do not feel upset people leaving the places as I have got used to it. As long as they are leaving for good and better future, I give them my blessings. I will never hinder anyone from leaving just because I can’t let go. Life has to move on. People who want to stay will stay. People who should leave will still leave one day. No matter what decisions we make, to stay or to leave, we have to look into our hearts and ask God and ourselves. If the Holy Spirit prompts me to go, then I go.




I have just finished watching a TVB Hong Kong series on Forensic cases. Very interesting. One theme stands out in the show which is to cherish the people around me. In the show, one of the female characters died as she used her body to shield her boyfriend from the gunshot by a perverted man. In reality, will anyone do that? I personally doubt. Well, that is beside the point. The point is the female character just became the man’s boyfriend. He was promising her to go Atlantic to watch penguins with her and yet at the next moment, she died in front of her. Life is really fragile. During last week, other than the three people whom I have mentioned are very sick at the verge of death at anytime, I received another news from my church friend that my ex formation leader has 4th stage of liver cancer and the cancer has spread in his body. He would always invite me to his house during every Christmas since I knew him even though he did hear some rumours about me. But, I have stopped going since the year before last since I have started leaving the church and I see it pointless to mingle with them. Never have I expected to hear such bad news about him. I have smsed him and emailed him but no reply. Well, I have prayed for him. Maybe, he needs quite time alone to accept the fact about his illness. All I can do is to let him know that I still care for him as a friend and will be with him in my prayers.



Cherish the people around you. They may seem fit and healthy running around. But, I will never know who will suddenly be hit by any diseases or accident or even sudden death. Sometimes, I do take for granted that the people are always there daily, especially towards these people whom I see everyday at work or home or even among friends. I should say that my life is pretty much unpredictable. Sometimes, I am struck with a few bad news within one day which are about life and death matters. Whether I like it or not, this is the kind of life I have beyond my control. The only thing I can control is myself, my response. The only way of not living or even leaving with regrets is to spend quality time with the people in my life while they and I are around. No point crying over spill milk complaining and lamenting and blaming when people are gone suddenly.



Cherish the people around you. It is silly to keep thinking that the pasture is greener somewhere (even though it is true at times but not all times) when the treasures are already in your life. These treasures are none other than the people around you. They are not coincidental there in your life out of the billions and billions people in the world. Some seemingly difficult people are there to help you to grow up to your potential, to be more complete. Some are there as kind angels to comfort and encourage you. Blaming others will only blind you from growing up.



Cherish the people around you while you can. Is there anyone you are neglecting due to your busyness and distraction? Well, this season is the season of giving since Christmas is drawing. Giving may not be necessarily physical gifts. Towards people whom you have held grudges against, forgiving them is a gift for you have given them the mercy of God through the acting of forgiving them yourself. Spending quality time is the best gift for time can never be bought. It will never increase but decrease gradually. It is much better than money as you are giving part of your life by spending part of it with them. Physical items made or bought are things afterall. Nothing can be warmer than being there physically with them with your blessed human warm body expressing the abstract Love which can not be easily felt and experienced without the physical body as the instrument of Love.



Time for me to move on in my career. I seriously need to see how I can upgrade myself. Many people have nagged me about it. Almost all my friends are graduated or graduating from the universities. I seem to be wandering around like soulless body. Hopefully, I can get into marketing or corporate communication field. My RO asked me to look for a job where I can use my mouth to earn a living since I can speak well with wit. I am not sure if she is right. I lift it up to God. This is my last time using my existing laptop. I do not own any laptops since I have been blessed with new laptops for work in the organizations that I am rendering my services to. Goodbye to my organization today! I am free to wander again. No matters where I go, I will cherish the people around me until I leave the places or they leave me so that I will never live or leave with regrets. Cherish the people around you!

With Love,
Elena

Where Is My Guardian Angel In My Secret Garden?

Have been receiving bad news yesterday. Mood very down. I did not go for the full month celebration of my friend's son, partly also due to heavy downpour. Instead, I went for massage as the appointment has been changed to yesterday since they have something on on next Wednesday. They did cupping for me during the massage session. People may think that I am wasting money to enjoy the massage sessions. Actually, far from it. I personally do not enjoy whole body massage. Due to my health issue and poor blood circulation resulting in cramps, aches and sleepless nights, I have to go for massage for better blood circulation. I have been warned from time to time that if my problems persist, I may run the risk of getting stroke. I am also aware of that without their warning. I have been getting serious migraine more often and my stiff neck is becoming more serious. The cupping done yesterday was very painful and it left my body with ugly bruises since my condition has been bad. Well, who will want to waste money exchanging for pain and discomfort and bruises? I just have to go for the sessions. Then, I am better enough to wake up for exercises. If not, I can't even get up to go for morning exercises as my body is too weak.

I have received three bad news yesterday. My church friend told me the condition of one of my priests due to kidney cancer is not optimistic. The Archbishop has anointed him and he has left it to God entirely. I got quite upset as he used to treat me quite well and I really appreciate for what he has done for all of us though he might have misunderstood me in some ways. Anyway, he is still a human being with flaws after all. I never bear grudges against him though I am quite hurt. No matter what, it hurt me to see him in such state. I could not hold my tears when I saw how skinny and weak he was many months back when he came back to celebrate mass with us. I cannot do anything for him. All I can do is to pray for him and email him once in awhile to show him that I care and I am always there for him. I have always wanted to visit him but I think he is too weak to see many people. So, I have not visited him, giving him more time to rest and for him to spend his time with his family and other parishioners closer to him. That will help him more. I really hope that he will go through his ordeal with courage and love and peace until he is called to be home with the Lord.
The other bad news is my uncle, suffering from stomach cancer, is not doing well. It seems that the doctor has stopped all the treatment. Now, my uncle has to depend on his will to live to continue with his life. I am not sure how my aunt is going to take it. According to my mum, my uncle’s appearance has changed tremendously. It is very painful to see how a healthy person’s appearance changes into someone beyond recognition at times. I am sick of going through that. But, I have no choice whether I like it or not. My poor aunt is so exhausted running to and forth between her home and the hospital.

The last bad news is my grandfather has gone back to the hell which is the filthy nursing home. He has requested to go back there, giving an excuse that there are other old folks to talk to him while nobody talks to him at home most of the time. I think it is an excuse. If he did not want to go home, he would not have gone back willingly at first. I think he wants to go back to the nursing home as he can no longer control his urination and he fell in the coffeeshop when he went out alone. He might have overheard the complaints from my relatives who were staying with him in the house. He may be feeling himself useless and unworthy and a disgrace. I really hope that he is not giving up hope on himself by going back to that hell. I keep on sensing that from him and I feel very upset inside and yet I do not know what to do. I can’t even communicate with him as I can’t speak his dialect. Why am I so useless? Why can’t I hold on to a job and earn more money for him to stay in a better home? Why didn’t I study hard so that my pay will be higher as a graduate? I ask myself a lot of questions. No matter how many questions I ask and how upset I am inside, I still cannot help my grandfather. All I can do is to visit him when my mother goes since she can be my translator and pray for him. It is very scary to wait and see who will be passing on first. I am feeling very sick inside. It is that feeling and horrible anticipation again. Whatever lah!

I was quite angry with my colleague. Let’s call him AK here. AK claimed that he wanted to treat me as I am leaving the organization. Guess what? He asked me to go to the stall early and queue up for the fish soup which tends to be popular there and there is always long queue. I still went there early even though his subordinate told him directly that he was insincere by doing that to me. He came and joined me and saw that the queue was too long. Then, we decided to go for another stall. The queue was much shorter. He looked at his watch and told me he was going to be late for his table tennis tournament. I told him we could always have lunch together next time and forget about this. What pissed me off was he was just making use of me to buy food for him so that he could eat after his tournament. I wanted to go for a walk but he insisted on me getting food for him. I wanted to be heartless and ignored his request. But, I could not leave him hungry and I did that feeling very angry inside. If he wanted me to buy food for him, he did not have to lie to me that he wanted to treat me. Just tell me he needed help from someone to buy food for him and I would do it willingly. Why stooped himself to such level? This self centered behaviour of his has been consistent in his work, in his team, in organizing the outing with me for the department. He only cared about himself and did not care about anyone else. One of his subordinates is dying from work. The normally cool and collected her has been losing her cool lately and she has been asking for help. And yet, he did not care much and continued to leave the office on time, leaving her working late daily. I simply do not understand how he gets away from all these things. I can only conclude that not all leaders are capable with integrity. It does not mean that if you are up there, you are definitely capable and competent. All you have to do is to do the right thing at the right time in front of the right people. Like what the monster has told my RO before, it is all about packaging. Well, she has been promoted two levels up. I guess she is right. I also see that in church too and these leaders are very popular and seem holy among the people. The truth does not matter. Well, this is how the world works. I have to accept it whether I like it or not.

I am pretty lost now. I am trying to be more selective in my jobs as I really hope to stay in an organization beyond two years. I am feeling very frustrated inside why I keep losing jobs no matter how hard I have tried, even to the point of damaging my health. I get angry with myself that I lose focus very easily. I can’t even complete learning foreign languages, music, dance, etc., since I get distracted and bored very easily. It is no use that I learn things very fast according to the instructors but I forget just as fast. The boredom is overwhelming. My RO was cute. She asked me why I have never thought of opening a cafe since I like coffee and pastries and cakes so much. I also know. Where do I get the money? I am not tai tai. I am just a poor employee who has been underpaid. I told her I do not mind serving coffee and beverages at coffeeshop, with the waist pouch around my waist shouting customers’ orders. My RO got quite shocked by my answer and explained to me that I could not make it for such position. She told me I could always open a cafe. She is sharp in pointing out my dream. Yes, I dream to have my own cafe as I enjoy seeing people gathering with friends and loved ones at the cafe strengthening their bonds with one another. So what? I have to face reality. I am poor. Forget about daydreaming. There are many dreams that I yearn to fulfil will never come true even after I have died such as studying in a recognized university (I promised my deceased teacher in front of her casket to get in before 21 years old. How old am I now? I still have not stepped in. All my friends are graduating from universities. I am the only idiot with Diploma certificate.), exploring the world, especially Europe where the culture is rich and I love the arts, becoming a model (too old to do that now), seeing myself in evening gown (Have never attended any high end parties and will never have a chance since I belong to lower middle social class), dancing (How to do that with injured bad left knee?), marrying a spouse who loves and accepts me as who I am (Impossible at all since I am eccentric and difficult according to the others. I have tried very hard to improve but still can’t fit into mainstream.), having a family and house of my own with children (I am too old to do that), owning a futuristic white house near the sea, having a cafe business with my spouse for people to have a place to bond with their friends and loved ones over food and beverages, etc. There is this Malay couple having a stall selling kueh, beverages in the hawker centre along Amoy Street near my workplace. They enjoy their work very much and they never fail to cheer me up whenever I buy things from them. Their business is no longer a chore, a work. It is their enjoyment. Life is simple for them. But, I can feel they are enjoying what they are doing. I really envy them.

I can only dream. I thank God that I can still dream. Actually, my friend did not have to remind me I will never marry a rich man. Well, I have never dreamt of that. A person ever told me to dream on. He was right. But, he has never known that I do not even dare to dream of that. Call me inferior. I am not. I know my limits. I have never tried to be part of the upper or even upper middle social class. I feel uncomfortable with them. I find it a joke whenever people told me I look like a rich tai tai or rich girl from good school or a US university graduate. Yes, like real. I am far from it.

Harsh reality has taught me hard enough to depend on myself and never dream too much. I really do not know what lies ahead of me. The worst thing is nowadays, most organizations even look at the appearance. How do I compete against the others? I do not even pass my own appearance according to my own worldly standard. Sigh! What can I do? I have nothing to depend on now. I only have God. If I can survive till now, I can get through challenges ahead alone. I have been facing challenges alone, even results of certain biopsies. I know I can make it. I do socialize from time to time but feel disconnected somehow.

Will my life be ever changed? I really don’t know. Now, I can only do my best. I am very tired at times. Who is not? At least, I still have Jesus to go back to. I do not have many friends and I am pretty much alone. I have to get used to that since I am aging and most of my friends are busy with their families. Hopefully, I can try to save up money for myself to stay in an old folks home when I am old. As for my dreams, I can only fantasize about them behind the closed doors of my room. Recently, I like to listen to this music from the Secret Garden Korean OST series, titled Guardian Angel. Most people have their spouses or close friends as their guardian angels. For me, I listen to this song to emo whenever I get too upset. I used to confide in a person through emails. Only he seemed to understand what I was talking about and I felt comfortable with him. Since he has left, I have stopped all contacts with him and even stopped reading what he post online and stopped going to any churches. I want to disappear from places where he may appear as I want him to have a new start. I have disturbed him enough. I know he is leading a joyful and fulfilled life overseas and he has many people who love him and will walk through his life journey with him. So, I have stopped confiding in anyone since then. At least, this music helps me to get in touch with my feelings. Maybe, my guardian angel is my deceased teacher since I name myself after her as my baptism name. If it is God’s will for me to get married, I will accept the man he blesses me with. If not, I will continue to lead my own life wandering and continuing helping others along the way until I die. Health has been my biggest cross. No point lamenting. I just need to try to find ways to improve my health. I do not believe in blaming fate, people or parents for the challenges or obstacles in life. I have the free will to choose what I want to do with my life.

Ok, I have to go to sleep. Hopefully, I can sleep well tonight. I can’t remember the time when I can sleep throughout the whole night without any dreams. Hopefully, I will not see some people I have let go of in my dreams again and I will not sense anything from them again since I have truly given them my blessings and moved on. All I want is for them to be joyful and live life to the fullest as their true selves created by God.

With Love,
Elena

What are your gifts to others during this season of giving?

My department organized a farewell lunch for me last afternoon. I wanted to help my colleagues out but they shooed me out of it as they claimed that I was the ‘VIP’. To me, there is no such thing as whether I was the ‘VIP’ or not. I could always help out especially when all of them were busy with their work. I wanted to treat them the drinks but they refused to as they told me they wanted to do everything for me and treated me. I appreciate what they have done for me. I saw them running around in the midst of their work just to set up the room. As usual, the monster only stood by and watched. I really wonder of that is what we define by leader; the person who leads with her mouth and never dirties her hands. Anyway, I do appreciate the efforts and time put together for our makan (eating) session. I saw it as an opportunity to have meal together for the last time.


Christmas is coming. It is a season of giving. We do not just give only when Christmas is drawing near. If that is the case, that means we are self se3rving and self centered for most part of the year. That will only lead to more cruelty in the cold and merciless society where everyone only wants and fights for what he wants. Personally, Christmas helps me to focus more of giving, bringing hope to others, just like how the birth of Christ brings hope to the world. My action of giving my time and efforts in the projects I am involved with give birth to hope to the needy ones. In return, my soul is nourished with Love and warmth by simply giving. I am doing something different outside church for this year. For this year, I will be helping the World Vision at the booth at NEX in promoting and educating the public on child sponsorship and bridging the public and the organization in contributing gifts or cash to these underprivileged children and communities. World Vision is a foreign charity organization which get itself involved in various projects that help the selected the poorest areas in some countries like Mongolia in China, Ethopia, India, Philippines, etc. in helping not just the children to have basic needs and education but also in building the communities until they have the ability of self sustainability.

I am a human with logical thinking. At the back of my mind, especially after the fraud cases of National Kidney Foundation, SLA, etc., I am also sceptical about where our money will really go to, whether my efforts and time will go to drain if it were to be another fraud case. Worse still, my involvement only helps the conmen in their corruptive deeds if it were to be a fraud case. During the briefing last night, two child sponsors were invited to share their child sponsorship experiences. I still doubt the testimonies. However, I still get myself involved with this project because I rather give them the benefits of doubt than depriving these needy people of any help just because of my doubt. The World Vision is a Christian organization. I believe these volunteers and workers will not dare to use God’s name in vain. Even if they do, God will intervene one day and it will never be long before the truth is exposed. For every project that I am involved with, my prayers will always come first so that I will keep myself focus on God and being the instrument to share such tender Love with the people involved. I always believe no man can ever beat God since all men are God’s creation. That explains why I still get involved with this project though I still doubt with my rational mind as any normal people out there. I rather rely on faith than my limited capacity of my rational thinking. God will protect me and all His children from being instruments of any forms of abuse. I have lifted the whole project up to God. I will just do my best and leave the rest to God.

I am writing in a personal capacity. If you would like to sponsor any child or contribute any gifts through paying for the selected gifts by the World Vision after identifying which items these people in different Area Development Programmes (ADP) need the most to survive, please visit any booths at

NEX (1-18 Dec 2011)

Jurong Point (1-22 Dec 2011)

Marina Square (8-22 Dec 2011)

I will be at booth at NEX for some of the shifts. When it comes to giving, there should not be calculation. If it is calculated, it is stipulated with conditions. It is no longer unconditional love. It becomes a transaction, such as contributing some money just to boost one’s ego or for show to the others. Of course, I am not asking anyone to give beyond your ability. Just be generous with what you have. Whatever you give, you will receive manifolds from God in many ways. Never belittle that $1 that you give. To these needy people in the developing countries, it may mean many meals for a family. If everyone in Singapore were to contribute even just $0.10 and we pool the funds together, how many poor communities we could help?

I am thinking of sponsoring a child. But, it is a long term commitment of at least 2 years. Since I cannot hold on to a job at least two years, I would not want to break the child’s hope if my monthly contribution breaks at some point. When reaching out or helping others in any ways, there is a certain level of responsibility to carry. It is not like if I like it, I contribute. If I don’t like, I do not care. Imagine if I contribute for 9 months to the child and I am suddenly jobless and have to stop contributing to the child. What will happen to him? It only pulls him down from the 9 months of heaven to hell. It is very cruel to bring him hope and break it suddenly. My point is when reaching out to others or helping anyone, especially in long term, it requires a certain level of commitment. This commitment comes from the Love within. Sometimes, we may feel dry and ‘unloved’. That is why our faith must be strong in God through our regular communication with God since God is Love and His Love is never ending or limited. It is not like if God loves me, He cannot another person as intensely and cannot give His ‘attention’ to him/her. His ‘attention’ does not confine within space or time. In fact, This Love must be shared to multiply. Our commitment also shows our fidelity to God. If we are strong in our faith in God with fidelity, our commitment to these needy people will continue to spring from our received Love from God by our action of first connecting with God on a regular basis.

Well, I admit I have left the church for months. I am not holy if anyone deems I am so. I am not. I am not trying to be humble. I am just true to myself and others. I have not been ‘diligent’ with my quiet time with God as I spend moist of my time catching up with my sleep since I suffer from insomnia for a long time. I only pray regularly and confess my daily sins to God, asking God to help me to improve and praying for others who come to my mind during my prayers. Well, I am a person full of flaws who still cannot hold on to a job for long. But, I am trying my best. Wherever I am called to serve, I will try my best to serve. I am still a wanderlust led by God. I guess that is the best for me. I rather serve wherever I am called to than getting involved with ministries where I see fights for favour or positions. I rather be anonymous and disappear in the crowd. I do not yearn to be known as I am contented to have a few loved ones and friends with me. At least, I am happy now. I am not sure if I do not go to church and I will end up in hell. That is up to God to decide. Only He looks into my heart. I still love God. If not for God, I would have died long time ago.

During this season of giving, how are you going to contribute to the others, especially the needy and less fortunate ones? Just as Jesus has exclaimed, ‘What you do to the least of your brethren, you do unto Me…’ Who are the ‘ least brethrens’ around you or in your community? Any plans to give birth to hope to them? Take some time and look for them with your heart and the ‘eyes’ of God.

With Love,
Elena

Artistic Soulful Tour Through the Exhibitions of Dali and The Titanic

Finally, have some time to write my blog. Have been busy handing over the tasks and roles to my colleagues. One of my roles is still pending for someone to take over. It was supposed to be taken over by a colleague as assigned by my new DD. Obviously, she was playing taiji, pushing the role away. I am wondering if she pushes her bonus away when it comes. If she could push the role away, I could have pushed it away with some 'brilliant' reasons. Anyway, it is not up to me to worry over who will take over the role. I am on holiday mood liao. During last week, my new DD squeezed me for the presentation slides. One of my colleagues found me silly to stay back for the slides and had to even cut down on my lunchtime to rush the slides for her since I am leaving. I know that it is silly as some people here sleeping in the office still get their bonuses. Sometimes, we could even hear them snoring while passing by their workstation during office hours. I just do not understand that after working so hard, my work is not recognized. Instead, what I get is accusation and could not pass my probation. Who asked me to offend the monster? If I know how to lick her boots, even if I sleep here, she will still praise me and recognize my work. This is how it works here. Anyway, I have learnt to accept it long time ago when I first started work. Sometimes, when my colleagues complained things are unfair, I would ask her to look at her fingers. They are all of unequal lengths. So, what is fair? How do you define fairness? By whose perspectives?  Things which seem bad may turn out to be blessings in disguise. Sometimes, when I complain, my colleagues will also comfort me with the words which I have told her. Anyway, I have started packing my things as my last day of work is on next Wednesday. I really need a rest as I seem not able to recover from my migraine since last Friday when I was forced to leave the office early due to it.

I went to the Art Science Museum with my friend the week before. We spent half a day there. Since it was raining heavily, we postponed the trip to the National Museum for the Van Gogh exhibition. At the Art Science Museum, we visited the Dali exhibition followed by the Titanic exhibition showcasing the artifacts retrieved from the deep sea. From the Dali exhibition, I got in touch with the human side of myself. Most of the Dali's art and paintings seemed to focus a lot of femininity, sexuality and anxiety. He kept in touch of the soul deeply.  Dali was a surrealist. According to the definition of Wikipedia, 'Surrealist works feature the element of surprise, unexpected juxtapositions and non sequitur; however, many Surrealist artists and writers regard their work as an expression of the philosophical movement first and foremost, with the works being an artifact.' From Dali's art, I gathered that a person's development right from the childhood will influence his growth even as an adult. How a child is handled from young will somehow determine if he can grow healthily as an adult. When you do not know how to express yourself with words, drawing, painting, sculpting can be other effective avenues to convey your feelings, thoughts and ideas which limited words could not convey. Sometimes, a picture does speak a thousand words. Personally, when I am too depressed, I can't even find words to express how I feel and think inside. I would draw some simple pictures. You do not need to have any skills to express yourself through drawing. Just doodle on the papers according to who your heart wants it to be. Sometimes, the pictures will only make sense to you after some time though they may not make sense on the spot.

Why do some people suffer from anxiety or depression? I think they do not have healthy outlets for them to vent out. Worse still, they keep denying they need help or outlets to vent their pent up negative feelings and thoughts that they become sick. Denial does not mean you are fine. It just means you have this pride that stops you from acknowledging that you do have your vulnerability like everyone else. If not, you may not have the courage to admit you are facing challenges that you feel trapped by. Art may help if no words can express how you feel or think inside. There is no right or wrong in the realm of arts. You may share your art with someone whom you trust or close to. By talking through the art pieces that you have produced with someone, you may discover something that also surprises you or something that you have never thought that is in you. Art to me, is a good way of communication with my soul and God. When I was viewing the Cross and bible by Dali, I was communicating with God in the museum. I simply stood right in front of it and started to thank God in the museum from my heart. My visit to the Dali exhibition was meant to be meditation through the art with God. It was a fruitful trip as I gained certain insights into human nature and growth of a person.

After the Dali exhibition, I went for a break with my friend over a cup of Mocha and chocolate croissant. We discussed on our feelings and thoughts over the artpieces. Both of us had different views on a particular sculpture. My friend felt painful viewing that artpiece while I felt healing from it. That artpiece was a sculpture with the horn of a unicorn piercing through a distorted wall with a heart shaped hole. The horn came with a drip of blood at the other side of the wall.  My friend felt painful because of the piercing. I felt healing because as described on the artpiece on a label at the piece, unicorn was known for healing. To me, it was something positive to see a unicorn's horn piercing through the distorted wall. It means the wall is akin to a person's wall drawn up due to past hurts, wounds, abuses from others, etc. That wall is drawn to protect the person from further harm for awhile. Over time, if it is not torn down, the person will never get to see the other side of the wall, thus, hindering him from growing or seeing the light. The wall is distorted, distorting the person' growth and perception and approach towards people and life.  I see the horn as a certain traumatic situation or challenge which pierces through the distorted wall. The person may bleed and get hurt. No doubt it is painful and yet it is God's way of piecing through that distorted wall. That blood means the person is still alive. It means new life. The hole comes in the shape of a heart to me means Love is imprinted on the person. That hole in the shape of the heart is God's Love to heal the person so that light can shine through the hole on his soul for healing. Old blood comes out on the horn and new blood is replenished within the person for the person to have a new life.   

We went for the Titanic exhibition after the break. Each of us was given a boarding pass with the name of the real victim who was saved or lost in the wreckage. I was a person by the name of Mrs William Coutts (Winnie Trainer) who brought her two sons to join her husband in US where he had found steady job as an engraver and had saved enough money to send for them. She was a third class passenger on Titanic to save more money. My friend and I went to search for our 'names' displayed at the exhibition. Instead of finding mine, I found my friend's 'name' on the list where more than 500 third class passengers were lost. I tried to look for mine for more than 15 mins. In the end, out of slightly more than 100 third class passengers saved, I was saved together with my 'children'. Somehow, I felt God was speaking to me though this search. Life is precious. When I found my 'name' on the 'Saved' list, I felt a sense of relief and love. Personally, I believe that if I am still alive after such great disaster, God's grace can never be described for such survival. I was feeling quite down before this visit to the museum as my job search has been very slow and I was losing hope with my poor health. My 'survival' is God giving me the spiritual boost that if I did not die at such traumatic disaster where the survival was very slim, I can still enjoy the blessings ahead. Such survival is God's goft of Love to me. Nothing is more important than being alive. If a person is dead, no amount of wealth or fame can be enjoyed anymore. The Titanic exhibition also tells me that whether the people are distinguished by their classes such as first, second or third, by the kind of services and products which they were entitled to enjoy, lives would still be lost no matter what. Death does not distinguish the social classes of people. All lives are equal and precious to God. If God only looks at the social classes of the people, then only the first class passengers should have survived the ship wreckage. What does it tell you that even people from the third class of the ship still got saved despite the fact that the priority of saving went to the first class passengers according to the infrastructure of the ship and the most number of the passengers saved out of all the three classes? Man can never beat God no matter what.

Ok, enough of my sharing here. Time to go home liao. I simply love the weather here. It is cold and I have the feeling of Christmas. This weekend is a busy weekend again with the celebration of the full month of my friend's son and my Bong Bong's birthday. Hehe...I have just bought my new toy after thinking about it for months whether to get a new phone since my old phone rest in peace and finally got $100 voucher for the phone. That is my iPhone 4s!! I enjoy playing it. Hurray! Have to scrimp and save like shit now. Now, I have to search harder for a new job. My colleagues are organizing a farewell lunch as initiated by the monster for me tomorrow. She did not even ask me what I like and went ahead with what she preferred which most of us do not like. That is eating in the boring office when most of us prefer to eat out. Well, that is her. She always wants her way though it is my farewell lunch. I heard that she is more enthusiastic about my farewell lunch than anyone else. It could just mean that she can't wait to get me out or she just enjoys such event. Sigh! Never mind. Ok, time to go home now. No matter where you are, always remember that being alive is a gift from God. Without life, no amount of wealth and luxury can be enjoyed at all. Enjoy life, man!! Don't have to wait till the Titanic disaster to happen in your life before you appreciate how precious life is! :)

With Love,
 Elena