After so many months, I finally managed to go for a jog this morning. Before I reached the stadium, I was praying that I would be having a peaceful jog with God. I did not see familiar faces. So, I did enjoy that peace. I did not have time to do stretching as the stadium would be closed at 8am for some event. I went straight to the running track. Surprisingly, I managed to jog a few rounds as I have stopped jogging for months. I decided to give myself a challenge. I have health issues that normally hinder me from running the whole 400m of the track. I decided to run the track without stopping for the last lap. Halfway through the run, I had difficulty in breathing and my chest was uncomfortable and my vision was blur as usual. I kept on telling myself I must challenge myself to finish the whole 400m track without stopping no matter what without fainting on the spot. Vision went blur. I continued to ask myself to persevere. I was telling myself that life is just like running on the track. No matter how tough times may be, I have to finish running it no matter what. I can't possibly expect people to carry me if I really can't walk. I have to be strong. I know how I can make it. I broke through today. I finished the whole 400m. I felt a deep sense of satisfaction. However, by the time, I finished running. my vision was very blur and I felt weak. I still managed to walk all the way to NEX for reading up with my blur vision and weak body. Nevertheless, it gives me the confidence that though I may be weak, I must never allow my weak body to be an excuse not to achieve breakthrough. As long as I do not give up, all obstacles and challenges can be overcome. Even if nobody walks with me, I can still walk through this lonely path with God. It no longer matters if other people care. I am not here to please people.
My challenge at work is Ihave to work with this scholar closely. I am sick of facing him. Whenever he comes too near, I deliberately walk away. I am not sure if he is goon doo or what, He still comes near. Sometimes, I do see his hand trying to tuch my colleague to get her moving ahead. I think he does it out of habit. I seriously do not like it. Sometimes, I move away and he keeps coming near. I really find it disgusting. Whenever I see him, he has that look of a self centered and kiasu person. Sometimes, the state of the person within shows on the face. For his, he really has those traits. My RO was very funny. She was sitting opposie me when the scholar asked some funny questions and my RO's eyes opened big. I had to control myself from laughing. Finally, she understands how I have to tolerate his nonsense and yet he thinks that he is smart. I do not mind people who are not smart. I really get disgusted whenever a person who is not smart thinks that he is smart and wants things his own ways which are wrong most of the time. I am very naughty. Sometimes, when he wants to explain more why he does something, I simply brush him off as I know he will insist on his ways. I want to avoid arguing with him. So, I would not bother to listen. Whatever he says, I will just do though I think certain things he has instructed me to do are silly. I am praying to God for me to be more humble and see this scholar with compassion. Being faster than him does not mean that I can look down on him. He has his own strengths that I do not have. At workplace, I want to keep things at professional level. I really hope that he will stop coming near and asking personal questions. I want to keep my relationship with him strictly at a professional level.
Though I am going through grieving process, I am still at peace after being true to myself and the other party. I really give him all my blessings. I am not sure how he is doing now. I believe he has his own supporters and loved ones to help him through. I do not think we will ever see each other again. I do not think he will want to see me. I treasure him alot. His prospect is very good. His reputation is well established. People are so full of praise of him. He is doing something he likes with a lot of supporters and loved ones and friends flocking to care for him. He is a charmer who is never lack of admirers. So, I think I am redundant to him. He does not have to slog like me.He does not have to worry about his retirement. He can even go for his further studies. How I wish I can have his opportunity. He is very blessed. He has been leading good life without hardship. I happened to see some of his photos and writing. He is leading a very joyful and fulfilled life. Of course, he will have his tough times. But, he has a lot of help and support from others. I have never expected anything from him. Right from the beginning, when I first love him, I know that there won't be any happy ending out of it. And, I do not need anything from him. He will never dare to express his love. His self protection is too strong. He deifinitely loves himself much more than me. Or I should say he has never loved me. Fine with me. My love to him is without strings attached. My Art tehrapist told me I may be just one of his tools for him to use his charm to attract me to him for his ego boost. He may feel good that I have been running away from him because I am scared of his charm and he enjoys that. I do not deny that may be the possibility. So far, he has displayed comments about how people have praised him. It is very human. Just take it as I am stupid lo. As long as he is serving others well and stays happy and balanced, I do not mind being the goon doo for him to fool. Well, he has forgotten me and moved on without me as his attention is not enough for all the people in his life. I am definitely not one of them. I have always seen myself outside his circle of friends and people.......
I think I have to worry about myself more as I have nothing. I will continue to drift along in life until I meet someone who really loves me. If not, I will continue to travel around the world alone. So far, I have only covered Asian countries. I am thinking of travelling to Europe alone next year. I would like to start my exploration around the world alone starting from next year. I know it is dangerous to travel alone. I think I will get used to it. I can't expect people to accompany me all the time. Of course, I have always dreamt of travelling around the world with a spouse. Too bad. I have to accept that not everyone has that blessing. Maybe, I am better off alone. Of course, I may risk dying at home alone and discovered dead in a small flat after a few days in the future if I am single. That is just too bad for me. I am getting used to being lonely liao. I will continue to walk this lonely path.
With Love,
Elena
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