Have just come back from lunchtime mass. I really treasure my lunchtime mass alot as it is the only time when I come together with the community to spend time in peace with God. I am not sure what is wrong with my day today as nothing seems to go right since I started my day. I bumped into this woman during the mass. For the whole mass, she was a distraction. I had to try very hard to block the distraction from her. Obviously, I have failed. If not, I would not have complained here. I think that while participating in the mass, all of us play a part of not distracting other people during the mass. Firstly, she was late for mass. I had to let her in to the seat next to me whe they were seats behind, disrupting my prayer as she came in right in the middle of the opening prayer by the priest. Secondly, she sat so close to me that I think she could kiss me. I do not enjoy people coming too near for my comfort. Though we come together as a community, everyone has his comfort zone. She just came too near for me to move at all. Thirdly, she made a lot of noise. I believe private prayers should be done silently or before mass or after the communion during the mass. She was very near and prayed her own prayers aloud just like a mosquito buzzing in my ears while the priest was saying the prayers. It became noise, leaving me with no peace. Not just that, she made a lot of noise with her paper. Sigh! All I need is to come quietly away from the hassles of the work to seek peace from God and pray together with the community. And yet, I had to put up with the nonsense. My patience was really tested. I wanted to warn that person and yet I had to swallow it. Well, I saw it as my sacrifice to God by keeping my mouth shut and exercise my self control not to flare up. I really hope that the people who are participating the masses spare some thoughts for the others. If private prayers have to be made during the mass which are not supposed to be unless right after communion, they should be said in the hearts. No need to say out the prayers to distract others as the mass is meant to be spent with the community and God except for the communal prayers that need to be responded by us. Trust me. It is very irritaing for the neighbours to put up with the noise that you make. The attention should be on God but not on you who make noise inappropriately and do what you like in your own ways. It defaeats the purpose of having such cummunal gathering before the Eucharistic celebration. The communal celebration means that we carry out every action and say each prayer at the same time to signify that we are all different parts of the body of Christ as one in God with Christ as the head.
My patience is continued to be challenged at work. OMG! I have been put to work with someone who is damn slow. He is that blessing at my workplace. He is helpful but I really have problems working with him and our communication frequency is so different. I am way too fast while he is so many steps behind. We went for site visit for two places yesterday. Each visit could have ended within half an hour. But, it ended up lasting for one hour for each trip. I was keeping my cool as he kept on asking questions which the vendor had just answered. Sometimes, I could not tolerate such wastage of time. I would explain to him again to speed up the process. The vendor simply stared at him as what he asked seemed quite stupid to us. I felt embarassed. I am sorry that I was very judgemental of him within me. At the back of my mind, I was thinking since he is a scholar, why is he thinking so slow? Why is his understanding so lagging behind? The worst thing was when the vendor was explaining things, he kept on butting in. How to listen if he kept on interrupting the vendors? He became a noise disrupting the whole discussion and I got upset within, not wanting to show my expression.
Then, he asked me to do research on the vendors who may have organized the teambuilding activities for top management retreat of other organizations. Guess what? After I have done my research and contacted all four of them, he told me he knew someone from one of them. I really jumped when I saw the email from him. After putting in so much hard work, he told me he would find out more about it from this vendor. What the heck! Not only was he wasting my time doing the research and contacting the vendor, I had to explain to him it reflected badly on our organization with two people asking the same things from the vendor as the vendor might think we do not coordinate well within the organization, indicating inefficiency of the organization as a whole. I really can't stand it that I have to explain such things to a scholar. I do not wish to make it seem that he is stupid. I really have got no idea how I am going to work with him. I know that I am wrong to look down on him though he is a scholar and I am not any smarter and yet I could not help it but to get angry. He is hindering the work. I really hate it when I have to explain things right down to the smallest details for him to understand things. I keep on feeling frustrated from it as I seem to be insulting his intelligence to have to be so detailed to make him understand things. If I can tolerate him, I can be a saint. He is not at fault. The problem lies with me. I have problems with patience. I think he is God's tool for me to develop my patience. I should not be so arrogant. He is a scholar and I am not even a university graduate. Who am I to judge him? I am really torn between my arrogance and humility as a disciple of Christ.
The other person is my monster. My tolerance towards her has reached its maximum. She is simply wasting my time doing all the research for our departmental outing. When I sent out the first email to all the staff after doing some research on the places we may go for our outing, she rejected all after we have agreed to go to this particular place. She first told us she left it to us and yet she could not let go of her control and asked me to go somewhere else. I do not mind her deciding where to go. But, when I first sent the email giving a few options, she could have told me her preference so that I did not have to waste so much time doing research on places and voting from the staff. She always made it sound like I have done the wrong thing. Recently, a few of us are blowing up. I blew up my top this morning as this is her third turning around and sound like I have done the wrong thing again. My colleague just got it from her yesterday and flared up. But she was more subtle than me. My colleague is also doubting her ability though she is always a very confident person. At the rate we go, our morale will be badly hit by the monster. She would always make us do a lot of research and presentation which may take up one month of our time and then she would turn around and accuse us for being incompetent and get someone else from other departments to do our work. Luckily, the self esteem of a few of us is not damaged by her. We just know it is her style of doing that which frustrates us as it hinders the work. Sometimes, she knows the direction which we need from her instead of second guessing and yet she refuses to tell us and just keeping on rejecting our work. At times, she does not even know the direction. As a leader, how can she not know her direction? Sigh! We are just like headless chickens. We often work late in vain as our work is rejected by her REPEATEDLY. We seriously do not like the accusations she has against us. If she tells us the direction right from the beginning, we would not have wasted so much time and efforts of those projects which she rejects. She has been very harsh on us and one team leader pointed it out to her. She did try to control her temper. Sigh! I really do not know when our new boss for our department is coming in to 'salvage' us. If not, she will continue to cover our department.
I am not sure how we are going to grow under her. Even a normal outing for the department, she will make it so boring and complicating for me to organize. We envy the other departments. Their outings are so interesting and free. I prefer it to be spontaneous for everyone to relax and mingle freely while the monster wants it with purpose and by the book in her way. I rather not go for the outing, man! So boring! Young staff from my department find her boring. She is not flexible at all. It is all about what she likes and never about anyone at all. Professionally, she will do what she can to impress everyone at the expense of her staff. My silent angel will be absent for many days as her child is sick. So, during her absence, we have to deal with the monster directly. All of us are waiting for the silent angel to come back as she will be the main person dealing with her.
I am not sure how much I can stretch my patience. I am wondering if it is worthy at all. I am trying to change my perspective to grow to be more patient. I wonder how. I guess I need to continue to keep close to God and exercise my self control over my temper handling both the monster and that scholar who is working closely with me. Also, I hope that no complicating relationship at my workplace. I am here to work and am not interested to have any romantic relationships with anyone unless I have the prompting that that guy is meant to be my spouse. If not, all relationships have to be kept clean. While I am still here, I want to contribute as much as I can as my work involves with the future of Singapore indirectly untilo I am asked to leave or it is time for me to move on.
Ok, time to go back to work. Have to start exercising to burn all the tension and stress in me. If not, I am falling sick again. My ehad has given me the signal that it is stretched. Exercise is the best way to burn off all the negative energy piling uop within. Woo hoo...Weekend is coming. Time to rot at home again. Really can't wait for my vocal lesson to start on next Wednesday. Still have to go for seond session of my Art Therapy tomorrow. My durian cake and crepes are waiting for me to swallow them. Now, the fridge at our level is full of the pungent smell of durian cakes, crepes and puffs. Hurray! Durian cake, I am coming for you now!! I really crave for you. I guess that is the little blessing I get from God despite the bad day today.
With Love,
Elena
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