Have finally pulled through 2 working days. Don’t know what
happened. Suddenly, I kept feeling numbness on the left side of my face and
left eye twitching since last Saturday. It was very similar to stroke. Keep
feeling very weak and lethargic and something attacking me from within. Tried to work from home on last Monday so that
I would not injure my ankle in my dazed and numbed condition. By last Tuesday,
it became worse. Got to know from my doctor I have Bell’s Palsy. When I heard
that, I immediately asked my doctor, “Simi lai eh? (What is it? (In Hokkien)).
It is weakness and paralysis on one side of the face due to inflamed or damage
to nerve. One side of the face may droop. The cause may be viral infection most
of the time. I was thinking to myself, “Win liao lo. That means I have to be
forced to confine myself at home.” The doctor gave me 2 days of MC to have
absolute rest. Other than Bell’s Palsy, I also have gastric issue. My doctor warned
me about developing ulcers or bleeding. No excuse liao lo. I had to rest with
my laptop off during my 2 days of MC. I
really feel like a bell getting hit by the unknown virus within. Currently on
Vitamin B12 complex to repair my facial nerves. At the back of my mind, I am
scared of my face drooping which means my condition is negative. Thank God my
face is not drooping. If not, I will need to go on high dosage of steroid
immediately. If I really have to go on high dosage of steroid, it will not be
favourable to my bones since I am still trying to recover from my ankle condition
before going for another rounds of ankle treatments in mid-December. Perhaps, that
is God’s way of slowing me down as my broken ankle did not stop me from
overstretching myself for my recent project. I know I am stubborn. Once I start
something, even simple things like marathons, I will make sure I finish them
regardless of my condition. It is demoralizing why my health seems to keep
giving me issues. I am not sure how many more tests I have to go through. Sometimes,
I feel like God is fooling me. One issue after another. It’s as if my life is
not tough enough.
I try to exercise more self-compassion. Instead of bashing
myself all over with all these negativities as a perfectionist, I keep
encouraging myself I have overcome this and that in little ways. At least, I
have pulled through my 2 working days despite my lethargy. It’s my small
achievement. I appreciate things like looking normal though still facing the
risk of my face drooping. At least, it is not drooping now. I am still healthy.
I am appreciating these simple things at
a deeper level. It is precisely that I am going through this scary period, I am
warning people around me to rest well and take care especially when they are
not feeling well. I don’t want them to end up like me. If you love them as part
of yourself, you will never want them to go through the same hell you are going
through. Very scary to face such unknown
situation if you will see your face droops suddenly when you wake up the next
day. Yes, faith is important to keep my fears under control. Have been praying
for healing. I don’t fancy a drooping
face. It matters to me. That is why I am scared. I am a human after all with my
fears. I am honest with my fears and would like to acknowledge them. By
acknowledging them, I know what I am dealing with. I let the light shine on
these fears with Love and slowly overcome them with strength from God. It’s
akin to exorcism. You have to know what demons you are dealing with before you
can exercise exorcism. Faith comes in in my compassionate self-talk assuring
myself everything is in God’s hands. Daily prayers remind me everything is in
the control of Higher Power. Though as a human with fears, I know God will be
in control. Having faith, to me, does not mean I do not have fears. If
something matters to me, fears will exist for I am afraid of losing it. It is
ironic in a way that it is precisely I love my life or something or someone who
is part of me that I have fears of losing it. These fears are necessary fears so that we may
appreciate them when they are around and improve ourselves out of love for
them. We will not regret when we lose them.
Genuine transformation takes place from within. Transformation
can never be forced upon by others. It is from within out of Love for God,
others and self to make the world a better place to live in. Fear of losing is
healthy as long as I am not obsessed. When there is something or someone that
matters to me here, I will not look forward to dangerous activities recklessly.
I will take calculated risks even if I go for extreme sports. Because I know
back home or somewhere in the world, there are people whom I love and may need
me or I have not lived life to the fullest yet. It requires dying to myself gradually so that
when the time comes for God to take it away, be it my life or my loved one pr
something I have been trying to hold on to, I will be ready to let it go since
I am already letting go gradually by first dying to myself and handing the
control over to God in the process. Obsession occurs when I wrongly take on the
role of the owner as if I own everything and everyone in my life. With such
obsession, I become possessive with the objects or people in my life instead of
my rightful role of a steward to manage what I have from God. The approach
becomes my way or no way. There is no longer God’s way. What I have in my life
is no longer seen as grace from God but my entitlement.
Time flies fast. I have left the church for 5 years. Really
miss the time when I went to church to rest every week day, away from the noise
of the world. I do not care what other people thought why I was there. I can
never stop what people say. I guess the church is the only place where I feel
secure, especially with all the crucifix and statues around. I know my
character does not fit into any organized institutions. It has been in that way
since young. A professional thinking style test conducted by a professional
company when I was serving in the church youth ministry showed that and the
coach realized I cannot cope with it since I am very different. I don’t yearn
to be unique. I am very simple. I just want to fit in instead of being labeled
by others with all sort of ugly names over the years. But it can never be an
excuse for my sins. I have met some people who use all sorts of self-proclaimed
mental or psychological disorders to justify their sins or undesirable behavior
or harsh words so that they do not have to be responsible for their sins or
hurt to others. For me, I will just do my best and leave the rest to God. I will
listen to the feedback and discern if it is constructive. If they are true, I will
try to change but it takes time. If it is destructive out to hurt me, I will
just brush it off that the person is the issue who needs to work through it
with God.
Now, I am just praying for some Christ centered people to be
my spiritual family members to journey with me. My current environment is too
cold and harsh. I really don’t want to end up self-centered and cold just to survive
in the corporate world. I don’t want to
waste mummy’s time, efforts and love that she had invested in me. I don’t want to hurt other people with the
coldness and hardened hearts that I have been experiencing because it is really
hell to go through hurts. I really need spiritual family members who love and
accept me as who I am and journey with me and be my role models.
With Love,
Elena
