It has been more than half a year since I have penned any reflection here. The new year has started for me to have a fresh start. Many things have happened last year which did not allow me to sit down and write my blog in peace. Some really heartbreaking ones in the midst of my crazy work schedule with the workplace very far away from my home. Most weekends would be spent catching up with my sleep. Yes, that is how tired I have been. My social life has been very quiet. I don't have time to make new friends.
One very heartbreaking news just before my birthday last year was my youth's suicide. Till now, it still affects me. He could have a bright future. It is devastating to see how a youth who used to work with me in a few church plays in raising church funds to choose to take his own life. It also affected his friends around him. His mum is also my friend. I had a hard time facing her when I saw her during the funeral wake. It broke my heart to see her suffering the loss of her only son. I was also busy attending to a few youths who went for his funeral at the same time. They were badly affected and seemed to have problems coping with his suicide. My birthday last year was the worst birthday I have ever had. My deceased youth graduated in May last year and was a mentor to the younger youths in his wake boarding club. Why did he choose to take his life away? I got all confused and lost when I attended his funeral mass and finally his cremation. I wanted to finish walking with him. I believe he wanted us to be there with him too. I got the news of his death when I saw the obituary from The Straits Times while doing my news monitoring for my work. Really shocked and hard to stomach it. I cried while struggling to rush through my work on the day I received the news of his death. He might seem rowdy and full of nonsense. But, we know that he was a filial and kind boy who went out of his ways to care for others in his own ways. I really miss him calling me, 'Ah mah' (grandma in Hokkien). I am also partly to be blamed for removing him among other church people from my Facebook since I have left the church. If not, I could have seen his posts and noticed his suicidal signs as he did post some depressing comments and even suicide method. When I was still in the church, I advised some people through the Facebook. Towards my deceased youth, I have failed as a youth senior. Joshua, sorry for not being there for you.
Another person also passed on last year. That person was Fr Joseph Tan. When I viewed him for the last time during his funeral wake, he looked very different. I do not care how he had misunderstood me. All I felt towards him was appreciation towards him for protecting me and inviting me back to the church despite accusations. His hospitality touched me especially when he offered me food when I was studying hard for exams in church. Though sad to see him ageing and very thin beyond recognition in his casket, I know he is well taken care of by The Lord. He does not have to suffer anymore.Those two months drained me rapidly.
Those two deaths led me back to church for masses, specifically funeral masses. I have left the church for almost three years. Have I abandoned God? No. Never. Now, I am journeying with my colleagues in my department at workplace. They are all Christians. I have a good female boss. She is not just a good boss but also a wise mentor to me. I confessed to her that I have stopped going to church and I am looking up to her and my team mates for guidance. They never fail to advise me and point out my mistakes. I really appreciate my team though we may have conflicts once in awhile which is normal in any healthy relationships. I tend to be a workaholic at work. My boss has been keeping it in check. As for church, would I ever go back? Yes! I miss going for masses and serving in church. I will wait till it is the right time to go back. Hopefully, my future spouse will bring me back to the church. I still recite the Nicene Creed from time to time as part of the big Catholic family. Prayers and relfection on the Word are still very much part of my life. I still go for short courses or sessions for spiritual input. How can I live without the very Creator of me?
What are my resolutions for the new year? One area will be romantic life. It seems that right from the beginning of this year, God has been harping on it through many people around me. My boss is also concerned about me and encourages me to open myself for dates. Cute, right? She can't wait to marry me off. I have told my team I will stop closing myself and start opening myself for romantic relationships. I have been praying about it. Whoever is the right man from God, I will stop running away. If not, I will never grow to be complete and will escape from such matters for the rest of my life. Sometimes, I forget what I have told my boss and team. They would remind me. I hope this right man will bring me back to church to serve and worship. I still feel very at home in church. Nowhere in the world makes me feel very home other than before the presence of God in church. I am more confident in having marriage life now. I had my heart checkup a few days ago. My heart specialist announced she could not hear any leakage from my heart. I just have to go back for my checkup two years later for my last heart scan. If she does not find anything wrong, I will be fully discharged. The current status is KIV recovery. Hurray! Thank you, Lord, for healing me! My heart specialist even permitted me to go for longer distance runs. Since last year, I have been going for runs. I started with 5km and increased it to 10km. Though I keep getting migraine after each run due to my serious dehydration, I have managed to complete all runs. Whenever I feel unwell before any run, I will not participate. My last run during the Standard Chartered Marathon in the 10km category brought me good news as I broke my own record. I managed to complete it within 11/2 hour. Nothing fantastic to others. To me, it is my breakthrough. Well, I have signed up for Safari run 2013 and Sundown run for this year. My boss and heart specialist have warned me not to increase my distance too fast. I guess they are here to remind me not to push myself too hard and fast. For every run that I go for, I will always carry some prayers for different groups of people. It is my way of spending time with God beyond the boundary of the church building. I may not be running with anyone. Or, rather, nobody wants to run with the difficult me. But, I am never alone. I am running with God. It may seem lonely. I see it as my quiet time with God. Just like my life journey, I will finish the marathon no matter how lonely or tough it may be. I may not be as fit as the others. I am neither the weakest. I embrace my defects as part of me to finish my life marathon.
I have never believed in pleasing people to gain popularity or making use of others' wealth or status to boost my own image or ego. If I do that, I know I gonna hate myself, leaving myself with no dignity. I have let go of a few people in my life last year. What is the point of having friends who just want something out of you to boost their image or self esteem? I may not have as many friends as before. I am contented enough to have those very few close friends with me. They are God's blessings to me. As for those people O have let go, I see it as time for them to leave my life. We have helped each other to grow in some ways. Time for them and me to go on our separate ways to grow with the others. I also believe in who I mingle with on a daily basis will contribute a lot to my growth. Ever since I join my organization, I realize I learn to be more positive from them. I also learn what balance is all about. Most importantly, my colleagues and boss accept me as who I am and encourage me to be myself and walk the path willed by God for me. They keep reminding me to take charge of my life. I appreciate them to be in my life at this point of my life. They are well to do and capable people and yet with humility and willingness to accept differences. They are even open with me about their brokenness which I find rare in our society. I really appreciate their honest sharing of their lives and I learn a lot about life in general. My boss even shares with us how she manages her marriage with her spouse.
I have always believed in marriage. Marriage is a gift from God. Marriage is a rich art which no amount of money can buy. My spouse is here to help me to stay in balance and grow to be a more complete person. Marriage entails sacrifices and love. It does not embrace self centeredness. Blissful marriage does not fall from the heaven. Rather, it requires both husband and wife of efforts, time, sacrifices, generiosity, openness, patience, wisdom, honesty, humility, respect and love. Husband and wife are gifts to each other. No relationship with another person can be as intimate as the one between a husband and a wife. Both parties have to get out of their comfort zones and adjust themselves gradually to complement each other in the marriage to becoming one in Love. I see many middle aged singles doing things to the extremes, getting out of control of their temper and mood, becoming very attention seeking, being very self centred and eccentric. Some of them were my monstrous bosses. I do see those unhealthy traits surfacing from me at times. I am not mocking them. I sympathize with them. I am scared of turning to be like them to hurt others if I am not careful or without awareness. I do see very few singles balanced, loving. Since marriage is so beautiful and rich, why would I want to deprive myself of such beauty just because of fears? If God has willed for a man to be my spouse, am I not depriving him of the beauty as well? If it is God's will for me to get married, I will accept it with openness. I do not want to live in fears anymore. I hope to get married before I turn 36. I know it is too short a time for me to get married before 36 as I have already hit 34. I believe in miracles. If he is from God, it would not take me much time to accept and marry him even if we used to know each other and not get along well. If he is the one, God will do something about it. why would I want to worry about it? I hope he is a man of strong faith to bring me back to the church where we continue to build our relationship together with God and serve together. If I want to have a family, age is a factor to bear fruits. For vanity's sake, I would not want to wear a bridal gown with a lot of wrinkles on my face and my figure getting out of shape. I wonder how I will look in wedding gown. I really hope to march through the church to the man who is blessed by God to be my spouse as my gift. I have always found such scene holy and beautiful. I want to live life to the fullest by experiencing different things, including marriage, becoming a man's spouse, a mother to my children. Marriage is an adventure with my spouse. I also want him to experience the beauty of marriage with me. Good things are meant to be shared, specially with loved ones.
One of my new year resolutions is to spend my next Christmas and New year outside Singapore. I am saving money so that I can spend my Christmas and New Year outside Singapore at the end of this year. I am thinking of US or Australia and am also open to other options. I am thinking of exploring the countries alone. I have never done that alone before. It is going to be a new experience for me. My boss and colleagues are encouraging me to save up for it. So, here I am, working hard to save up. My pay is still low without some benefits, AWS and bonus which the permanent staff have as I am just a contract staff. To me, it just means that I may be kicked out of the organization after my contract in May this year. Feel quite unhappy in this area since I work very hard for this job and yet not getting the same treatment as the others. To be practical, most of us work because of money. I really have got no ideas when I will have to leave the organization. Meanwhile, I will learn as much as I can here. I am currently working in the PR department of a Japanese MNC in Jurong East. I like my job scope except for the time when I have do claims, process invoices. I have to admit that that is not my cup of tea. Who asked me not to study hard when I was young? The place is damn far away from my house. Squeezing into the trains is a major frustration with train delays and people pushing like barbarians. Some even scolding people unreasonably. I still work there because I have a good team to grow and work with. My boss is willing to send me for training and allowing me to gain wider exposure to PR.I still have alot to leanr from here. Professionalism is very important to me at work. I will do my best to add values to the organization as much as I can until I leave the organization.
I really do not like the life here. I do not deny that it is quite safe to travel around here and there is no natural calamity. However, I am looking at something beyond those elements. I need the space. I feel more and more suffocated. I need a lot of space. I really can't stand it when I don't have much space. People just like to push others nowadays and I find it unbearable. I am still praying to get out of this place and stay somewhere else for a period of time. Recently, my friend told me her brother went to US earning much money out of washing dishes for half a year. He managed to pay of his 50k study loan and even bought some branded stuffs back to Singapore. I am getting the contact from her. I know it is tough. I am willing to try it for a year there. Hopefully, I can save up some money to get a degree there. If possible, I may want to do that during last quarter of the year or next year. It is abit inconvenient to go there now. If it is God's will, I will go there. I am still praying about it.
Well, it is a new year. Start anew. Ok, it is already 6.45am. I was out for the whole night and reached home at around 4.30am. I have gone back to be an owl. I guess goodie goodie lifestyle is just not for me. Many friends and loved ones have been telling me I am born in the worng part of the world due to my sleeping and eating habits, my personality and even my thinking style. My poor colleagues have been accomodating to my eating habits as I only like Western and Japanese food. They ask me to marry a Caucasian. Not up to me to choose. I lift it up to God. I end my blog entry here by wishing all Happy New Year. Life is too short to live in fears. Live life to the fullest. Take charge of your life and own the responsiblity of your choices and decisions. Stop pushing the blame to others for your choices and decisions. Stop allowing other people to lead your life. Start living your own life. Like the Nike slogan, 'Just Do It'. If I can do it, so can you. You are never alone. God is always there to go through it all with you. So, why fearful? God bless.
With Love,
Elena
