Just came back from lunchtime mass. It was celebrated by Fr Cary Chan. Wah lau, he was like a bullet train. At the back of my mind, during the mass, I wondered if he was rushing to the toilet for big business. He really looked like a loanshark but with kind face. His face looked very red today. Ok, he could save on the blusher. Ok, joking!! After leaving the church for a few months, just before my birthday next week, I suddenly had the urge to go for the lunchtime mass near my workplace just now. I did enjoy myself. But, I really hope that the people going for mass could keep their mouths shut. The mass was only less than 1 hour and the people behind me talked and talked. Don't they treasure that precious short time with God? Felt like shooting them with hostile stare. In the end, I kept it to myself as I should not be doing that during the mass. Well, I still enjoyed spending time with God during the mass. I really miss it so much. However, I did not receive communion. How did I feel? I felt quite upset and left out and really yearned for the communion. But, I have to respect Jesus in the form of that host. I am not in the state of grace as I have left the church for months and not gone for confession though I was in a peaceful state just now. Nevertheless, I still did not feel right to receive communion. Never mind lah. At least, God loves me enough for me to go for lunchtime mass near my workplace. Generally, I still feel happy about it.
My colleague was quite nice. He knew that I fainted after my hand had bumped into the taxi door recently. When I was going to carry two laptops for my department to Level 4 for IS for data transfer to the new laptops, he insisted on carrying them for me. I am quite embarassed by him at times. There was one occasion when he bought two curry puffs and offered me one. But, he wanted to try the flavour and asked me to share with him. Then, I asked him to take the whole thing. He refused. We were arguing for awhile until my other colleague asked us what we were doing. I was so embarrassed and walked away with half of his curry puff. He has been great help to me though we do not always agree with each other. Nice and gentle guy. He is my small blessing at work.
Another small blessing is I will be going to Bintan tomorrow. As usual, my friends did all the paperwork and bookings. I just have to move my butt and go. It is meant to be my birthday celebration in advance. When I come back to Singapore in early afternoon on Sunday, we will move on to KTV. Hurray! More fun. Thanks to God for my friends who make the efforts and time to cheer me up and celebrate with me. The traveling plan to Bintan was only decided a few days ago. This is how impromptu my plans are. Sometimes, I even go Genting on the day I decide to go without any planning.
No matter how unhappy I may be, life still goes on. Time does not stop for me to get depressed or lament or complain. I am doing all I can to be happy. If needed, I will get help and deal with the issues though it may be tough along the way. God has been giving me each day as a gift to me. It is up to me to be happy or sad. More hard times coming up as I have to deal with my issues upfront. I am not sure if I can deal with it. But, I trust that Jesus will walk through it with me on this lonely road as it is done in a church setting. God never abandons me no matter how long I have left the church. Love never fails. I really look forward to starting life anew as I am turning 33. If it is God's will, I pray for a home. Superficial happiness does not last. I can wipe out all my money but I am still not happy. Only when I am fulfilled and true to myself with the meaning in life according to God's will, then I can experience the joy within which manifest in the form of radiant happiness on my face. If I am not even joyful inside, no amount of preaching or reaching out from me can really touch people within. They may only stay with those people at head level or superficial level. Only when I am feeling fulfilled deep within accepting and loving myself as who I am and reaching out through the vocation I am called to with deep joy within, then my happiness is true and sincere which touches others heart to heart and the loving experience with the people I am reaching out to will stay with them at a deeper level for long. My happiness is no longer heavily dependent on the external factors. To me, happiness from the external factors is just a taste for me in wanting to have the joy within which can never be snatched away for this joy comes from God within by first being true and loving to myself. Even if times may be tough around me, I may be feeling unhappy with any matters happening around me but the joy in me will keep me moving with confidence and love with the hope in God and continue to love others.
Ok, no mood to work liao. My heart is flying to Bintan. Same to my friends too. Hurray! Going 'pok gai' (broke in Cantonese) again as I have way overspent my money last month. But, I am happy. More celebration to come when I come back to Singapore. Hope that the monster will not spoil my mood later until the day ends today. She was getting agitated as the printer gave her problems and she expected me to get help for her immediately which I expedited the case to IS. The helpdesk was slow and she was feeling angrier, giving me a lot of stress this morning. Sigh! Some people just want their ways and don't even bother to understand. Ok, I am counting down now. Life is short. Whether you are happy or not, the day will just pass by. Why not be happy?
With Love,
Elena
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