Father, please help me!!

Just came back from lunchtime mass. Did not really focus well during mass. At least, I appreciate that Fr Cary Chan was not celebrating the mass at a speed that he was rushing for restroom. Did not really get his message today. But, I did enjoy the mass until it was time for communion again. I was very upset. No communion for me again. Nevertheless, I was happy enough to be part of the mass. The funniest thing was Fr Cary Chan placed his mobile phone on the table and it vibrated halfway through the mass. Why the heck did he place his phone with vibration mode on the table that was used as an altar? Trying to wake Jesus up from the crucifix? Faint ar....

Actually, I was there to face harsh reality for the mass today. If I did not hear wrongly last last week as I was far away from the crowd when they announced the priest for the mass today, I thought the mass was celebrated by another priest. Anyway, it was Fr Cary Chan. If it were the other priest, I knew I was going to get harsh remark or chiding. I wanted to skip the mass today. But, I was prompted to go for it, ready for harsh remark and sacrcasm. Thank God that I went.

Grieving still goes on. I miss the person alot. Thinking of seeing him for the last time.  But, no point. I think I may cause more hurt to him. Let him go with peace lah. I can't wait for him to go. So, I am trying very hard to cut myself off inside until he leaves. I am trying my very best. Anyway, I am dead to him long time ago. It's just that I am thick skinned as usual. No more seeing him every two to three months. He is going off for years. Hopefully, by the time he comes back, I will be married by then. I am dying for a new start. Anyway, I will never know when he is coming back since I am out of church. Only people who are close to him will know. I will never be part of those people. Does not matter. The truth is he has never loved me. For me, I just need to cut off my feelings. Only God knows what the hell is inside me.

Work continues to throw me into more angst. I really cannot tolerate that guy in my office. I really hate it whenever he comes very near. I even deliberately walk away whenever he comes too near. Can't he just stop his nonsense? When we went for site visit to a few places yesterday, my RO opened her eyes big when that guy asked stupid questions again. Now, I think my RO knows what I am going through. I am going to explode soon. He better stay away from me. I can't cope anymore.

Really feel like quitting. I have no mood to work at all. I just want to sleep at home. I am not interested in anything at all. I just want to rot. When is this grieving process going to end? I really don't want to walk. I can't cope, losing grip. I hate walking this path. Can I not walk at all? Can I have a chance to study or work outside Singapore? I need a new environment and I have been praying for years. Why do I end myself up like that? I really feel like I am in a desert.

Maybe exercise will help. I should start exercising tomorrow. Maybe, I feel better. I will use all ways to get over such grief at all costs. I cannot allow it to hinder me from moving on. I cannot let it hinder my career. I must get over it quickly. I have no time for grief. It has been affecting my work. I am really very unhappy inside and I hate it. My temper has been out of control. What the hell am I doing? Why do I get so upset? I do not even see him at all. I have left the church for so many months. I have not seen him for months. Why can't I get rid of these feelings for him? He does NOT like me. He even SHOUTED at me. He even slapped me with 'DREAM ON!'. Come on, Elena, WAKE UP! God does not give you a life to waste on such bloody matters! He is leading a good life with joy without you. Why do you land yourself so cheap?  Father, please help me!! I am giving up....

Desperately need help,
Elena