I have just gone to see my Art therapist yesterday. I was asking her to help me through the grieving process as 'he' is leaving Singapore. My therapist asked me to get real with my feelings. I explained to her there is no point in getting real with my feelings since 'he' is getting out of Singapore. To me, it is the end. My therapist asked me to get in touch with my feelings. I described my feelings and the memories that 'he' and I had shared in the past. But, due to his status, it is so wrong morally. Nothing sexual. But, I thought we were abit too close. My therapist tried to guess his identity and even nationality. I asked her not to bother to guess as I need to protect 'him' since 'he' still has to serve in his area. I would not want to risk 'his' reputation being tarnished. For me, it does not matter if my reputation is spoilt since I have left the place. So, the session I had with my therapist was the beginning of my grief.
After the session, I was doing some reflection. I realize that I have loved him so much that I hurt myself. I am not being noble. When I love someone, his well being and growth is more important than anything else, even myself. When I love someone, he is part of me. I will never want to hurt him. Sometimes, I even think that I have cheapened myself. He has never even expressed directly to me that he likes me. I have never asked anything from him but just want him to be happy. However, I realize that he has never loved me at all or I should say he has not loved me enough. I send him emails but he never replies. His self protection is higher than his love for me. He will only reply me through big group sharing or his writing at times. He had ever expressed his feelings through singing and coming close to me. But, what is the big deal? He speaks to anyone through big group sharing and his writing. He also sings to many other women. He also follows other women closely. Do all of these mean that he loves me? Even if he loves me, he does not love me enough for him to have the guts to come to me directly that he loves me or even cares for me directly. What kind of communication is that through big group sharing, singing, coming close to me? Even if he loiters around places which I may hang out, it does not improve our relationship as long as he does not have the guts to approach me and talk to me directly. His self protection is so strong that he has never had the guts to reply my emails but to find other ways to speak to me. Or should I say that I am just not worthy for him to reply my emails or he has never read them before? What is the point of writing and proving that he is a sincere and loving person just like the ones I like or would like to have as my spouse? What is the point of telling me if a person does not cook well, he would not mind eating it for the rest of his life? What was the point of waiting for me when I attended a wedding mass? What is the point of letting me know we share the same values and attitude towards faith, marriage, etc.? What is the point of appearing in places where I would appear? Out of love or ego?
Even if I bump into 'him' every two to three months, our relationship will never improve as we do not talk or he does not even bother to make any efforts at all. He does not make an effort in our relationship at all. Even if we were to meet each other daily, nothing improves as long as 'he' has no guts to talk to me and to be even true with his feelings. It will only torture me to see him every few months. What kind of relationship is that? To a certain extent, I am also quite relieved that 'he' is leaving. 'He' can be so honest with other women and follow them day and night and yet 'he' does not dare to approach me. What does it show? It just shows that 'he' does not love me. I will just take it as this relationship is one sided. 'He' will never have the courage to admit his feelings. Even if 'he' has feelings for me, I do not think 'he' will give up everything 'he' has now to marry me. It is too much for 'him' to give up. It has been obvious to me that 'he' has been so unhappy inside, drifting from one person to another and yet not happy. Yes, I have never doubted that 'he' does have a loving heart and serve sincerely. I love 'him' for that. But, there are so many ways of serving. It is good to find meaning in life and serve. But, life can be happy daily as long as the person's needs are met generally, other than reaching out to the others. When a person is fulfilled inside with joy, his reaching out will be more deeply felt and touched by the receipients and he, himself, will not only finds meaning deep within but also joyful. It was so obvious that 'he' yearned to have children when my friend told me 'he' refused to let go of a child when the child's parent wanted the child back and 'he' ever mentioned 'he' wanted to see how a woman gave birth live. 'He' kept on sticking to a family at such unhealthy level that I thought 'he' should move in with them. Ultimately, 'he' should know that that can never be 'his' family. 'He' also mentioned with a lot of feelings and yearning about marriage and ever complained about what 'he' is in now. I am quite shcoked that he has mentioned the thing he misses the most is not links to a group. Ok, only he knows what he misses. Maybe, the people he reaches out to, maybe, his sickly loved ones, maybe, his parents, maybe, certain friends, etc. I don't know and I am not entitled to know.
So what if 'he' has expressed so much? I do not think that 'he' will give up 'his' status now. 'He' is enjoying admiration and popularity from people. 'His' reputation is so well established. 'He' does not have to worry about earning a living and retirement. 'He' is going to have a good future where 'he' will be in charge of so many people in a big place. I do not mean 'he' goes for all these things. I know 'he' has the heart to serve. Who the hell in his right mind will give up these things and enjoyment to get married and slog outside with a woman and get all sorts of accusations and lose links to the groups no matter how much he likes her? Dream on. Ultimately, human beings are self centered no matter what. I am really so sick of feeling 'his' misery inside that I choose not to see 'him' and avoid 'him'. I find it irresponsible to express certain feelings towards women which may cause them to have wrong impression that 'he' likes them beyond platonic level. I wonder if it is done out of ego. 'He' is charming. Maybe, 'he' is enjoying such attention with 'his' charm. Maybe, I am just one of his tools for 'his' ego boost. I am not sure.
'He' has never expressed to me honestly about his feelings towards me directly. He only knows how to drop hints. I just take it as he does not love me enough for him to express his feelings directly to me. If he is called to get out of what he is in now according to God's calling and marries me if he really wants to spend the rest of his life with me, I am willing to go through thick and thin with him despite all challenges and accusations to come. I am not afraid and I think he is worthy for me to go through hell with him as long as he is true to himself. I have confidence in growing with him with him leading me. Personally, I think he is better off getting married. He will definitely experience Love at a much deeper level through the intimacy ferom the relationship and grow to be more complete and continue to serve in any ways. I will serve with him and support him. Unfortunately, I think this is just my wishful thinking. 'He' will never step out.
Since 'he' has mentioned in 'his' writing that 'he' has found meaning and joy in what 'he' is in now, I will give 'him' all my blessings. Anyway, both of us have different directions. I want a family of my own while 'he' is out there in his own direction with so many people. I can only give 'him' all my blessings if 'his' decision is to go 'his' own way. Now, I have to face the cold fact that 'he' is leaving me behind for 'his' advancement. Have started my grieving process. Have to force myself to cut off mercilessly no matter how I love him or miss him since 'he' has decided to move on without me. I know God will bless me with a man who loves me as who I am and he will confess his feelings to me directly and true to me when the time comes. Currently, I will continue to strenghten my body with Chinese medicine and continue to seek Art therapist help for my grief. Have been having sleepless nights. Very broken inside. I still have to force myself to get over 'him'
I also hope that my male colleague stops coming too near. I have already made it clear. I get very disgusted with him. He is just not the one though he is a scholar with prospects. He is just not right. I hope that I do not have to come to this point when I turn nasty. I do not want to waste my energy on such nonsense.
With Love,
Elena
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