The Silent Strength

There is this interesting phenomenon in my area. The attention has been on the two girls who are contesting in my GRC. Yes, my area falls within the Marine Parade GRC. When my friends and colleagues ask me which GRC my area belongs to and I tell them it is Marine Parade GRC, they tease me about the Kate Spade issue. Sigh! I almost faint and feel embarrassed. It is as if I were carrying the Kate Spade bag to support Singapore when I can’t even be bothered about politics. Well, to me, it does not matter who wins as long as I can eat and sleep well. Ultimately, no matter who wins, there is only one control. So, why bother to argue and discuss?

Personally, I prefer Nichole Seah. I like the way she talks and carries herself. The way she speaks seems to carry the weight of a leader. I am not sure if she wins the vote. Somehow, through her interview, she gives mature answers with confidence and concern for the people. Sometimes, it does not matter how young a person may be. I have come across people who are in their mid life and yet the way they speak and behave are like spoilt kids. No matter what, sometimes, it is not about what I like and I choose my preference. It is about looking at a situation as a whole package which may link to any other matters. Whether I like it or not, I will just choose to ‘obey’ to live in peace.

Before I even obey a leader, I will have to respect that person as a person. I do not look for leaders who groom themselves well with branded stuffs from head to toe and promote themselves well through their eloquence. For me, I look more into the silent strength and care for people in the leaders. These leaders often earn my admiration and I will respect and obey them out of my free will. In my workplace, I have two leaders. I shall call the first one a monster and the other a silent angel. I work closely with the both of them.

The monster dresses herself very well with branded stuffs from head to toe. She is capable and talks very well. She is a staunch Christian and seems confident. When she went through my review with me, she claimed that she would run with the team. However, she could say what she wanted but her behaviour and interaction with the others from my observation so far told me otherwise. She can be a nice person but somehow, she is a monster as a leader. I am not sure what happens to her along the way. When she claimed that she would run with the team, I just looked at her silently and smirked as we do not feel the support from her and we are all suffering under her. She may look confident but when things go wrong or happen not according to her ways, instead of supporting or helping us as a leader, she would throw the blame on us and her tantrums at anytime. Even staff from other departments notice that and asked us how we could work under her. We would just smile and do not know what to say. Whenever we go near her, we always feel the tension within us. I was taken aback when she told me at her level, she did not have to stay back late into the night with us, supporting us. By saying that, she thought that I would be impressed by her. However, I did not feel that way as I thought she was pretty self centered to think that way as to me, a leader should stay back with the team to fight the battle and give moral encouragement. If she thought that at her level, she should not do that, it really tells a lot about her attitude towards her leadership. She is really so high up there that none of us can reach her or get support from her. The worst thing is she micromanages us. I was very shocked when she came up with one of the house rules we have to report to our team leaders whenever we go down to buy tea or coffee from the coffeeshop downstairs which takes only less than 10 minutes. We all know that she would look over our shoulders to see what we are doing at our computers. For God’s sake, why is she such a control freak controlling us like she is a disciplinary mistress controlling the primary school kids? Can’t she see that we are all working very hard beyond our job scopes? She continues to throw all of us with more work without caring if we can cope or not. She just wants her way changing directions which contradict one another at times. She tends to charge ahead without caring if all of us as a team can catch up. All of us are burning out. When she judges, she judges harshly and is too rigid in her perception that even if a person changes, she is too blind to see. To aggravate the situations, she jumps into conclusions too quickly and they are always the wrong conclusions. All of us have been suffering from her accusations. Whenever she is not around, we can feel the gloom dispersing and the atmosphere is friendlier to work in.

Whereas, the silent angel dresses very simple, nothing fanciful or branded. She has a lot more to cope with than the monster as she is married with a family. She works part time and yet she will come in as if she were a full time staff, especially during peak period. Her workload is very heavy and has to deal with the monster directly most of the time. The monster is not any more merciful on her. But, I have never seen her lose her cool. She is very efficient and fast in her work. Whenever I have problems, I feel comfortable approaching her. Under her leadership, she allows us to make mistakes and learn from them. When she needs to correct us, she does not put us down but to tell us about her concern for our well being. She has never told us how much she has done to support all of us as a leader but all of us are happy with her as our leader. We obey her without any ill feelings. She has this silent strength and care for people in her. Her behaviour in daily life towards us tells it all. She is not a staunch Christian and yet I can feel the Christ in her as our humble leader. She does not put on the air of a leader so high up there that we cannot reach her. Rather, she comes down to us and mingles like a friend with us. She will listen patiently to our issues and concerns. We respect her and work closely with her to get the projects completed with as high quality as possible. She will go through the ups and downs with us. I do not feel I am working under her but with her. I get the support from her so far. When things are too stressful, especially dealing with the erratic moods of the monster more than us, she still keeps her cool and supports us at the same. The silent strength and care for people in her stand out prominently during such times. I really kowtow to her calm and strong demeanour at all times.

Appearance may be important. But, what I often look for in a leader or even a spouse who is supposed to be the leader at home in the future, is often that silent strength and care for people within. Leaders or people who are popular or talented or good looking or well groomed do not draw my attention. Somehow, I am blind to those traits until people come to me and tell me how eloquent or popular or good looking they are. Since young, those people who draw me to them are the ones with such silent strength and care for people within. I find such people rare gems. They are normally sincere people who really care. If they are my leaders, I will obey them with respect within as I know I can shine under their leadership with my talents and personality. They will groom me not just in my roles under them but also as who I am so that my quality of life will improve as a whole. They often care for other people’s well being more than bringing glory to themselves or boasting about themselves. These are the traits that I see in Jesus. Like him, they are the humble leaders who put others’ well being above themselves. Sometimes, they suffer silently but people under them will know and appreciate their sacrifices.

I do not care what the leaders or people say to promote themselves. Their behaviour and interaction with people in daily lives tells it all. The polling day is coming soon. Who will you vote for? For me, I rather spend my time catching up with my sleep. Whoever wins, it does not matter as long as their humble hearts are truly serving people and to be serving leaders but not to be served and glorified.

Ok, back to my work now. Have been thrown with three major projects with a few other tasks going on. Really need a few brains and hands to work, man...

With Love,
Elena

Knock! Knock! May I have some room, please?

Had a very nice longgggg weekend with my family and friends. Had a romantic night at the Sentosa with a friend on the Easter Sunday. We got to see the fireworks as we were having our dinner to end the day. How romantic!! I thank God for such experience with Him and my friend. We enjoyed ourselves alot especially when we were surrounded by the serenity at the Starbucks in Sentosa overseeing the panoramic view of PSA. Time to come back to the fast paced world again after the peace and romance with the Lord and my friend at Sentosa.

Started the week quite badly as my boss sent me an email warning me about her monitoring me for the next two months. I was quite mad at first as I thought it was crazy of her to bother to send that email in Monday morning after we had talked on last Wednesday. Obviously, she is a person who does not let go of grudges easily. I just do not understand why she has to hold on to small little things which leave us no room to breathe since she has the tendency to blow small things up, causing a lot of tension. After calming down, I simply ignore the email and change my mentality. Instead of focusing on her, I focus on my reporting officer who gives me room to breathe and grow. Ultimately, I see Christ in her and would like to learn patience and tact from her. She is the kind of leader I would like to follow and I visualize to be like her as a leader if I rise up to be a leader in the future. She is very balanced in her life with room for career, family, friends, etc. She has healthy attitude towards Christian living and live life and love others with sincerity from her heart. She is honest with what she is thinking and feeling. She is also very straightforward in correcting me with care for my well being when I have done something wrong and I appreciate that. If I continue to focus on my boss who goes crazy from time to time, I will never give myself room to grow and will go crazy with her. So, I have decided to ignore what she says if she is accusing me again and do my best. If she decides to sack me due to her unhealthy and tunnel visioned mentality, I will just take it as a sign for me to leave that workplace from God. Whatever I do, I have to face God and others with clear conscience. As long as I have done my best and give my all, I should not get too stressed out by her. I am giving myself room to change with my colleagues and reporting officer here until it is God's time for me to leave.

There is something funny going on at my workplace. In my team, only my male colleague and I are singles. My reporting officer has been trying to put us together. Our personalities complement each other. I am very disorganized and always charge ahead missing details and tough while he is very precise and methodical in his work and gentle. Sometimes, he really tests my patience as I find him too slow. So, my reporting officer thought we match each other. Sigh! I was saying in my heart, 'Knock! Knock! Don't push us too hard lah. If we are meant for each other, our relationship will grow and blossom lah. Give us some room lah.' So far, our friendship grows well and I leave the rest to God.

The above scenarios are all about 'Knock! Knock! Give me some room, please?' It is all about not pushing things too fast. I remember reading an article a few weeks ago on people feeling very stressed out even before reaching workplaces. I do agree with the people as I am experiencing the frustration nearly every morning. The stress comes from taking trains, buses and driving to work. Frustration comes in when everyone wants to get what he wants, pushing others around and scolding others for getting their ways at times. Sometimes, some people even take up a lot of space to stand in a circle just to chat with one another face to face in a sardine packed train. Some even scolded others. I almost get into accident many times as other cars suddenly cut the lanes suddenly and the buses or cars I am in almost bump into those cars. Ok, I am accident prone no matter where I go. Sigh! It is like a jungle, leaving no space to breathe literally! It's no wonder that suicidal rate is go higher and higher over time because most of us rush so much that we leave no room for others and ourselves to breathe. On last Sunday, I wanted to have a relaxing day away from the busy Singapore island. I got frustrated when a foreigner pushed me into the monorail as I was getting in. I just stared at her and shook my head. Her friend was even more ridiculous. An old lady who could hardly stand properly came in and her friend refused to give up her seat. I simply looked at her friend and her and shook my head. There were a few occasions in the train when I simply lost my patience and asked someone to give up their seats to the elderly folks and pregnant women or women carrying small kids.

In this modern world, it is no longer just knocking on the door and having someone to care and love us by providing for us in some ways, like food, attention, care, ears to listen, etc., as seen in Lazarus knocking on the door of the rich man to provide him with something. It is also giving people room to be quiet and grow and accept but not hurrying things beyond that person's capacity and pace to accept and ability. In the situation of buses, trains and any public places, there will be less stress and frustration for everyone if everyone learns to be patient and give space for each other to breathe instead of pushing around like babarians.

Sabbath Day is especially precious so that we will have rooms to breathe in the Lord and truly rest. Then, we may be energized and vitalized to move further in life with Christ in us with such rest at least weekly. The Lord can truly give us the peace to go out to the world and share this peace with others so that everyone can live in  harmony out of Love instead of being self centered pushing everyone away just to get what one wants. Some people even rush into relationships and rush the growth and get married in a hurry and end up in divorce. My stand is that relationships of any kinds are meant for both parties to savour with taste and joy. They are meant to be nurtured out of Love and in Love. They are never meant to be rushed. Both parties give room for each other to slowly accept and grow. Sometimes, each party in the relationship grows at different pace. That is where patience is needed for giving the other person the room to grow. When every relationship is lifted up to God, God will marry the paces of both parties and help both parties in the relationship to grow together as one. When relying on Love as the foundation of the relationship, the Holy Spirit will guide each person in the relationship to handle and love each other at the right place, at the right time. It is never according to our time as we, as human being with limited capacity of mind and understanding, will never completely understand the condition of the other person within. So, by leaving room for God in the relationship, the Holy Spirit will guide us what to do in the relationship out of Love.

Feeling tired? Feeling agitated or stressed out often? The Lord always has room for you to rest. Also , by leaving room for others to grow and accept, you are leaving room for yourself to rest. If there is too much trash in your room within you, spend some time before the Blessed Sacrament or nature quietly with the Lord and he will give you the much needed room to rest and time to clean up your room within with his vacuum cleaner of Love.

With Love,
Elena  

Passion of Love

It was a horrible week at work. I was caught by my boss and reporting officer for a review. Through this review, I could experience what it was like to be accused and misunderstood and pierced with nails of labels by an unreasonable boss. I was taken aback by her accusations and lost my cool. I rebuked as this was the second time that she was accusing me of the same things even after I had made changes. The worse matter was she claimed that I had unhealthy mindset which was why I lost my cool. But, I was wondering I may have my own faults in some ways. At least, I am still aware of my flaws and work on them. But, for her case, she is still blind to her own spots which cause a lot of stress on my team all the while. Besides, she has this mentality that as a leader, nobody should give her feedback on her attitude towards her team. Other people asked me how my team and I work under her. I guess she is really ‘popular’ among other departments. Nevertheless, my situation is much better than Jesus. I felt like every accusation that my boss made, it is one nail piercing through my body. I had a glimpse of how painful it was like to be nailed. At least, for my case, I rebuked. But, for Jesus, he obeyed without rebuking out of Love.


My boss is the first person who has accused me of things that no other bosses and colleagues have accused me of before. Through her, I keep on telling myself that if I ever become a leader, I must never end up like her. If not, I will be like Pontius Pilate who crucified Jesus, crucifying the people under me. Whenever we have our review on my work, she will always start with accusations before she even makes any attempts to find out what have been happening to me. Surprisingly, she is a staunch Christian. I wonder if she has even tried to reflect on how she can handle staff in Christ way. I think she has suffered from religious arrogance where she thinks she is so high up there that nobody could reach her. I really pity her as she will always be lonely up there. For the first review, I kept very quiet with her accusation and tried to improve on areas I thought I should improve on after reflection. For this second review on last Tuesday, I could not hold my temper anymore as she kept on imposing those negative traits of hers on me. I had worked so hard and did extra work for my team to the point of burning out and yet all I got was accusation that I was self centered and expected people to help me but left my team members to die. I refused to swallow this bitter pill and clarified what extra things that I had done to help my team members were and I am not a person who would announce to the whole world what I have done to help my team members. I even asked her if I should announce to the whole world how I have helped my team members. I have always believed that if I am sincere in helping people, I should not be showing off to others as if I help people just to get credits and glory to myself. I simply hate it whenever I have express to her what I have done to support my colleagues so that she would stop accusing me. I just don’t like to spell out the things I have done for them. But, I have no choice but to spell out since she is too blind to see. Once she has formed a perception, she sticks to it so much that no matter how others have changed or how others have tried to reach her, she is too blind to see and starts accusing and barking them again.

She has certain mentality that is not healthy which she is not aware of and she tries to impose it on me. Whenever I look at her, I am thinking at the rate I go, I may end up having such imbalanced life like her that I will throw my tantrums like a small kid like her on anyone if her weather is bad on that day. I think she is not even aware that she is putting the whole team through unnecessary pressure and she still thinks that she is right. We have a lot of tension whenever we need to go to her directly for certain tasks and approval. Some of my members have come to me and told me they do not feel any support from her and are left to struggle and die. I can’t believe it that she is very disturbed by me going home on time even after I have finished my work for the day. She was even so ridiculous that she deliberately went out to somewhere when it was time for us to knock off and came back to office at around 7pm even after we had smsed her we were waiting for her to sign an urgent document. When my colleague told her it was her birthday and her spouse was waiting for her for dinner, she then told my colleague if she had known it was her birthday, she could have come back earlier. I was very pissed off and thought it was perverse of her to purposely get out of the office just because she wanted her staff to stay late like her.

I get quite mad. I simply told her during my second review that life is more than work. It is not just about work. Though I am single, my family need me and I want to spend quality time with them. All of us know that her life is only work life. But, for most of us, we also have family life and friends, whether single or married. I believe in balance of life as years passing by. Over the years, I have met many single women in their mid life holding high positions and yet getting angry and throwing tantrums like spoilt kids and imposing unhealthy mentality towards life on their subordinates. They are never happy. The most pitiful issue about them is they think they are always right and nobody is qualified to give them feedback. Then, they continue to crucify the subordinates under them by imposing their will and unhealthy thoughts on them, throwing tantrums on them in front of everyone, shifting blame on them and leaving them to die if any projects or tasks fail, etc. The working partners and subordinates under them suffered injuries and ’scourging’ from these people again and again. It is no wonder that the business of counselling and psychological help is flourishing. Thank to these ‘Pontius Pilates’ who have been torturing the people around them repeatedly. As I really do not want to see myself to be another ‘Pontius Pilate’, I am trying to die to myself and change to be better gradually. If I love others and do not want to ‘scourge’ them through my hurtful words and actions, I have to make the decision to change for the better so that I will be less and less self centered to be more and more Christ centered.

For the Holy Week this year, I am spending time with Jesus outside church for a change. Of course, this is not a right way. I have my reasons for doing so. Even as I am trying to go through transformation, I need people to support and journey with me. I am thankful that my reporting officer is supportive and is concerned about my well being. She is always concerned about my health and whether I am coping life well as a person. When I broke down during my second review due to the accusations from my boss, she reminded me what I would always tell them whenever my team members got discouraged, ‘God will never put you into a situation which you cannot handle. So, must have faith.’ She encouraged me with these very words which I often told them. In fact, I am very thankful for a few helpful and understanding colleagues other than her. Though I am going very tough time under such a boss, I am not alone. I still have my team members and supportive reporting officer. For me, I will also need to see how I can also improve on my health as it has been a big cross I have been carrying throughout my life. Often, bosses and teachers keep on telling me I am smart and capable but my health is always my hindrance to go higher up the corporate ladder which causes me a lot of frustration and blow to my self esteem.

I have started the Holy Thursday meaningfully. The Catholic church has always been having this tradition of enacting the scene of washing of the feet where Jesus would be washing his disciples’ feet. Though a leader and a king, by washing his disciples’ feet, it shows his humility and love to come to the world to serve but not to be served. I started the day by accompanying my mother and my niece and nephew to the clinic for my niece’s injection. I was very tired and my leave yesterday was meant to catch up with my sleep as I was still exhausted by that lack of sleep for 36 hours last week. I decided to ‘wash my sister’s feet’ by helping her to bring her daughter to the clinic for injection and managing my nephew who tagged along despite my fatigue. Well, I enjoyed doing so as I was experiencing love by giving my love to them in this way, keeping in mind the washing of the feet by Jesus.

From afternoon onwards, I visited different groups of people, spending time to have meals with them. I meant to treat them for the meals. Instead, I felt Jesus washing my feet through their treats. The reason for their treats was due to the fact that I was present and spent time with them and we seldom meet one another. One of them even told me she appreciated that after I had left my previous workplace, I still took my time to travel from East to West to spend time with them and remembering them. Through them, I felt Jesus was thanking me to be with him through these people. I felt very welcome by them. Deep in my heart, I was very touched by all these friends. If not for their support and love, I would not have got my current job. I remember I was very nervous before my interview last year. This group of friends in my previous workplace cheered me up, encouraged me, advised me and treated me to a good meal just before my interview. As I brought my joyful mood into the interview, I was selected for the job. They are Christ to me. I know they were very busy yesterday. Once again, I am very touched that they made the effort to spend time with me and we enjoyed our time with one another.

In the evening, I had dinner with my friend. She has never failed to be generous. I intended to treat her but she paid for the dinner instead. It was my honour to hear her pour out her heart to me as I feel Jesus was pouring his heart out to me through her. I could feel Jesus pain even more through her. When we passed by a parish opposite Bugis Junction, I went in with her for three minutes as I had the urge to talk to him but did not spend more time with him since my friend is not a Catholic. Then, my friend asked me about the death and resurrection of Christ. I explained to her in details and helped her to see how it was related to our lives. I could see that she was thinking things through after I had explained to her. I hope that it would help her to see certain things from different angles even tough she has her own religion. I just want her to be happy in life.

Ok, the Good Friday has started. It’s time for abstinence and fasting. I may not be in church for the service but I will practise the fasting and abstinence. Good for detoxifying my body and let my body rest from food. (Just joking!!) The real intention is to have this communal suffering with the poor and the less fortunate people. These people may be poor at any levels; physiologically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually. By fasting, it reminds me of how self centered I can be that I may have neglected the people who need help or my attention. Normally, I have problems with fasting as my health can be very weak. But, of course, I will not let myself collapse. During this time, any food in sight is temptation to break the fast. By not breaking the fast and stay strong despite temptation, I will learn delayed gratification other than having the opportunity to understand the poor and the less fortunate better and be in it together with them through such fasting. I also need to stay close to God. Whenever I see food, I will pray to stay strong and keep in mind that I am in it with the poor and the less fortunate only for this day. This will help me to stay strong whenever I face temptation in life through such practice and discipline of fasting and abstinence. This is also my sacrifice to God, just as how Jesus had sacrificed for us. It is my response to his Love.

I also explained to my friend that Christian living is all about loving people and God in Christ way without possessing anyone for self. Sometimes, in this modern world, we have been brainwashed to get what we want. This also creeps into relationships where we want to possess someone just because we want instead of letting go if called forth. Then, we fight like how animals fight in the jungles to get what we want. Christian living is all about passion of Love. Because of Love, each day of our lives is a gift from God and we have each day as a chance to be better and better so that we can live and love others better and better. It is never too late for anything as long as we are willing to change and ask God for help. Only by staying close to Jesus, we will be guided how to live more and more like Christ. A bible is not everything about God. It teaches us to lead life to the fullest. It is God’s love letters and messages to us just like how a person would write a letter to his friend. If bible has to record everything, the pages will be never ending. Therefore, we need other avenues, especially prayers, for God to speak to us. And prayers are the most essential tools. Without prayers and staying close to God, anyone can distort the bible for his own benefits, especially if he is in the wrong spiritual or mental state.

My friend also asked me about Mary. I told her Mary was a virgin and yet she obeyed God by having Jesus in her womb despite the risk of scandals and humiliation in olden times. We do not worship her but honour her. For women, she is our perfect example for being a nurturing and gentle mother going through pain and struggles with Jesus who is Son of Man. Jesus’ death is God’s visible expression of Love for us. By only telling us that He loves us, we, human beings, can never grasp the intensity of such pure magnificent Love. So, by experiencing and seeing for ourselves God’s Love through His Son’s death, we will ‘know’ how deep God’s love is for us.

The Passion of Christ is about the passion to love. This love is out of the Love within us. When called forth, we have to empty ourselves and let go and let God. How can it be done? It can be done when we let go of unhealthy relationships which destroy or hurt others, we let go of our pride to forgive the others, we let go of control and accept others as who they are as each of us is unique masterpiece of God’s creation, we let go of our ego to admit our mistakes and learn from them so that we can be more Christ like to love others, etc. These are just some of the ways to empty ourselves so that Christ can occupy more space within us. It is all about Love without any hidden agendas or self centeredness. The Passion of Christ is the Passion of Love which conquers even death through the Resurrection of Christ on Easter Sunday when we resurrect with him to be new people with new lives through the renewal of our baptism vow on that day. As for me, I will be celebrating the Easter Day in Sentosa, soaking myself in the warmth and light of God’s love through the sun through the nature at the beach with my friend. The sun will always remind me of the hope and light that the Resurrection of Christ brings from the Passion of Christ which is to me the Passion of Love.

With Love,
Elena

The Open Wounds on Jesus as the Doors out of Darkness Into Light

Don't know why. Suddenly, feel like writing on the topic of suicide. Perhaps, this topic has been in my mind for some time. I have a friend who died from suicide. I was badly affected though I was not close to him. The most ironic thing was it was announced to me during my friend's ROM many years ago. The other suicide I witnessed was my neighbour who had jumped down from my flat three years ago. I heard the commotion and shouting. The next thing was absolute silence. When I looked down from my flat, he was lying on the ground facing up. The blood was not washed off for a few days. The scene of his deadly face kept on playing in my mind for at least two weeks. Whenever I heard people shouting, I would be telling myself, 'Oh, no! Not again!'  (Another person committing suicide?) I also have come across close friends who have been attempting suicide. All these suicidal matters just tear me inside. On one hand, I have a group of sickly people struggling to survive. On the other hand, I have healthy people trying to kill themselves. I would sometimes ask, 'Where is God?'

Somehow, the friend who had managed to die from suicide still affects me till now. Though we were not close, I feel that I had failed to 'save' him. Before his suicide, I remember vividly a group of us went to Malaysia for holiday. He told us he would want to join us for the fun again. Who knows he committed suicide shortly after that? I was very angry with him. I found him too self centered. Had he ever thought of his parents who had raised him up for so many years? Had he ever thought of all of us as his friends? Had he ever considered our feelings, especially his parents? Why didn't he come to us for help? Were we really so mean that he did not dare to come to us for help? Why did he break his agreement with us that he would join us to go to Malaysia for fun again? In the end, the answer is he was too trapped in his problems and issues that he just wanted to get 'out' of them by ending it all through suicide.

I have friends who are Christians. They love God and yet they have chosen to attempt suicide. I do not doubt their faith. When I talk to them, they are always trapped in some kind of troubles and they can't get out and the pain in them is snowballing so much that it is swallowing them. Talking to them about God and faith just doesn't make sense to them. During such times, all I can do is to be with them. If they need time alone, I let them be. But, I will always emphasize that I do care about them and they are part of me. If they die through suicide, it will be tearing part of me. I will always let them know that I will pray for them. Once in awhile, I will contact them to see how they are getting on.

Some people ever ask me how God will handle those people who have died from suicide. My answer is, 'I don't know.' I just trust that God will do what is appropriate with the Spirit of Love for He is Love. When one commits suicide, I can visualize God crying in the form of heavy rain from the dark and cloudy sky. I can imagine thunder and lightning striking across the sky, expressing His 'grief' out of Love. God has given each and everyone of us a life. We are alive out of His creation out of Love through His breath of Love. Without this breath of Love, we are just dust as symbolized by the marking on our foreheads with ashes on the Ash Wednesday more than 30 days ago. By committing suicide, I am throwing His gift away.

The implication of suicide is not just on the victims but also on the loved ones and friends. By dying through suicide, the victims have chosen to break and tear their relationships with the living ones prematurely. It is similar to a mother who suffers from miscarriage. The victims have deprived the others from being Christ to them. The living ones may live in guilt and blame themselves for not doing enough for the deceased. Whenever any of my friends attempt suicide, I just blame myself for not being a good friend. I have failed to share God's Love with them. I have failed as a person. I can't imagine how their parents feel upon receiving the news of their children who have committed suicide. It's like ripping a part of their flesh out of their own bodies since their children are their own flesh and blood.

I can never forget the scene when my neighbour's daugther cried near his father's bloody body right after his suicide. It was very traumatic to me, not to mention about his loved ones. Over the years of experiencing people committing or attempting suicide, I realize that they often do it without a sound mind. They are often not in the right state of mind, heart and soul. They have fallen sick. They often feel trapped and these traps, imaginary or not, are real to them and suffocate them to the point of death. It is just like being trapped in a dark room where they are blind and try to grope for that door to get out frantically. Often, before they could find the door to get out, they choose to die prematurely using suicide as the tragic door to get out of it all.

It is important for us to be with them from time to time. For a patient who suffers from cancer, lupus, etc., we will give them time alone to rest and visit them from time to time. For people who are suicidal, they are sick interiorly. If we care enough to slow down our pace and give them our attention and time from time to time, we may be the people who open the door from outside for them to get out slowly. Just like a person who gets out of a dark room after being trapped for a long time feeling uncomfortable looking at the light, a suicidal person may take time to come out to the light and adjust themselves to his new light and life. Sometimes, we may feel frustrated and impatience why they take such a long time to adjust or get out.

That is when we can turn to the crucifix. When Jesus was dying on the cross, he could have been impatient with us and changed his mind of dying for us since we could be so cruel to scourge him through our sins and keep on falling back into the darkness of sins. Through his blood and water from his umblemished body, he was trying to clear us from our darkness of sins. Through the opening of his side and limbs with the piercing and open wound of his body through scourging, these openings are the doors of Love in our lives for us to get out of our darkness into the light and the blood flowing out to give us new lives and the water flowing out as the river of gentle love to tenderize us and quench our dryness and thirst within. Then, we will have the compassion and love for these people who are struggling interiorly to find doors to get out of their entrapment. 

In our fast paced world, try to slow down and see how we can be Christ to others with the Spirit of Love. We will never know if we are sent to be the people to open the doors from outside for some people to have new lives. Ultimately, it is not about how long we live, it is all about how we live.

With Love,
Elena

The Modern Context of Naked Truth and Martyrdom

This week has been a madness and energy draining. The major event had ended with success with positive feedback from the guests on the last Thursday. My body finally gave way after the event. I think I may not be able to keep this job with me getting MC the day after the event as I did not sleep for almost 36 hours. Well, I had done my best. I had given all that I could. I know my reporting officer and deputy director may think I have not done well enough especially with me getting MC right after the event. Well, I was really sick as I was down with flu and simply could not get out of bed. I slept throughout the whole day on Friday. I only managed to feel normal yesterday.


Nothing goes well at work. Every aspect of the work presented problems and there was a lot of firefighting for a project to be done right up to the actual event itself on the last Thursday. My colleagues told me this was the first time when literally every aspect of the event had issues. Sometimes, I just don’t understand why things have to happen differently only when I am in the organization. This is not the first time when my colleagues have to face issues that had never happened before I got in. I just feel cursed and even curse my whole team. Why is God not helping me? I am working like a buffalo and my pay does not justify the workload that I am handling. After the staff had taken over me after I had left the organizations, I was told by my ex-colleagues that they did not have to work as hard as me and were shaking legs. Why is that so? All aspects of my life have failed so far. Most people would have succeeded in some aspects of their lives. They may not have successful careers but have nice and warm families. Some may be singles but have successful careers. Some may be enjoying romantic relationships while some may have supportive friends and community. Come to think of it. I have none. Nothing seems to run smoothly for me and I am simply tired of everything. I have tried to get bank loan for further studies. But, have failed as my pay is too low. Besides, I have been severely underpaid. Even my best friend and ex-lecturer were quite shocked by my salary level. My ex-lecturer also wondered how I could ever save up for my studies. My future here is gone. My dream of becoming a psychologist is gone.

To be a psychologist has been in my mind for the past 10 years. Can’t fulfil it as I can’t afford to go for the course. Eight years of getting an honours in part time studies cost almost $55,000. I have always liked to study human behaviour and brain and that is the only thing consistent about me so far. Come to my house and you will see all sorts of personality books that I have. I love changes. So, being a psychologist can fulfil that thirst of mine as people are changing over time. Somehow, people from all walks of life have been coming to me for help and pour out their hearts to me. They are very different and that enriches my life and makes them interesting. Somehow, I feel I am just not equipped enough to help them. Being a counsellor can also help people. But, I can’t go deep into psychology to explore deeper into the core of people. Besides, the pay for counsellors here is peanut and I can’t support my family with that level of pay. I really hope to go deep into psychology. Till now, I still have got no avenue to get financial help to go for further studies in the area of psychology. I really hope to be better equipped to help more people along the way and do some research. I can see the field of psychology expanding as more and more people are seeking psychological help. I really hope to contribute to the society with the passion that I have in psychology by being a psychologist.

Have been looking for ways to venture outwards. I have never liked the lifestyle here though I do not deny that it is safe to live here. After my two weeks of stay in Australia three years ago, I have grown to like Australia. I do not need high position to be happy. If that is my goal, I would have held on to high position. All I want is quality of life where I enjoy every moment and I walk my life journey. Not like what I am doing now, I am running my life journey with my hectic work and fast paced lifestyle. I can’t be bothered with whose pay and position are higher than mine, who is more popular than me, who is smarter, etc. I just can’t be bothered with such things. Rather, I get very irritated whenever people start comparing with such things. These people only make themselves to be petty and tunnel-visioned as life is more than such things. I have been a wanderlust. Just put me anywhere and I will find a way to survive. I have been praying for a new life overseas. Currently, I am still searching for ways to work in Australia to have a taste of a different lifestyle. I always think that since God has created such a big world, it will be a waste if I do not explore other countries before the Lord calls me home. I am really unhappy here. Since I am unhappy here, I do not believe in just complaining without doing anything about it. I have been trying to stay here and go all ways to be happy. But, I feel more trapped here. I know there may be racial discrimination in other countries. Well, here, I have been getting some form of discrimination since young. So, it does not affect me if I stay overseas.

Last night, there was a show on how a dedicated teacher had touched the lives of her students despite her illness. Ultimately, she saved two students in a car accident and died. I have been feeling life is meaningless at this point of life. I am just going through the routine of living without much passion and enthusiasm but in entrapment. God has spoken to me through this show. He reminded me how my deceased teacher whom I called ‘mummy’ had loved me. I remember vividly how mummy had come to me for help on one Saturday as she had relapse from lupus. I just could not understand why she had to go to school to give tuition on that Saturday instead of staying at home to rest. By the time she looked for me, she could not really walk. I even found her silly as many teachers and students did not appreciate what she had done and mocked at her. Sometimes, when she needed help, people simply passed by her and ignored her. Many teachers and students thought that I saw her as an idol stalking her as I kept on staying in school. She even sent me into the principal office thinking that I was a lesbian. It shattered my heart as I was in my vulnerable state coping with a lot of family issues and health problem alone.

I did not explain to anyone why I stayed back in school. I did not bother about what people said. I have never idolized anyone throughout my life as people are still people afterall. It does not make sense to me that I have God and I still worship people. All I wanted to do was I wanted to stay back in school just in case she needed help. She did come to me for help a few times. Somehow, I was not affected by what people accused me of. Then, I explained to her why I stayed back in school as I did not want her to have unnecessary fear which gave her stress. Slowly, our misunderstanding melted with Love and she even left me with some legacy for me to go through my polytechnic education even right after her death. Well, people around us still misunderstand us, thinking that I idolize her and she showed favouritism. Does it really matter? What matters is I am really blessed to have her in my life. She had taught me how to be true even in the midst of misunderstanding. I saw her true love shining through her cold and stoic exterior. She still stood strong and true despite her colleagues’ discrimination and the students’ mockery. She did not back off and give up teaching and caring for others despite her battle against her illness which caused her pain daily. Most importantly, she was the person who brought me to the Catholic church for me to get closer to God. I am convinced that the Catholic faith is real because I had experienced Christ in her. No matter how I had caused her blood pressure to rise, no matter how deeply I had hurt her, no matter how mean I was to her, she did not give me up till her death. She truly forgave me ‘seventy seven times’. Though petite and cold in appearance, I often wonder where she had this big and generous heart to accept and love me, never giving up on me if not for Christ in her.

I wonder how many people understand what holiness is about. If one is not true to himself or even his feelings, how can he be true in love with others and God who has created him? How can Love be ever pure without sincerity and truth? There were martyrs who had died in faith. However, over the years, I have realized that some people, even authorities have misunderstood what martyrdom is about. These martyrs who had died in faith were the ones who died in joy despite persecutions and suffering out of Love. They died for Love and in Love. Some authorities think that they should die like them like giving up marriage to be priests or religious brothers and sisters. And yet, many times, it has shown that they are just not meant to walk the path of celibacy and they misunderstand that by continuing to walk the path in the name of walking in suffering like the martyrs and holiness, they are walking in holiness. Little do they know that people are watching them. Indication is very clear when they are sent to somewhere to study or work and they choose to rebel and come back. That is the first indication. When one suffers overseas, he will continue to persevere in faith as he knows that what he is studying or doing will benefit his or her children when he is back to his country or wherever he goes. He will obey with fidelity no matter what he is going through. If he defies, he can make all sorts of excuses to cover up the real reasons. He has deprived himself to grow out of his comfort zone. I really wonder how much he has loved God. The other indication is that he just does his duties within his own job scope and refuses to do extra duties out of Love. He is very calculative with his time. The other indication is he only serves certain groups of people. Did Jesus only serve a group of people or did he only die for certain groups of people? The other indication is he brings glory to himself and seeks attention to himself. Such people with these few indications are better off getting married as they will truly learn how to grow and love God intimately through their spouses who are different from them. They may need another human beings to touch them with God’s love intimately within them instead of just getting superficial attention from others which only satisfy them at a superficial level and yet they continue to feel misery with no joy at all deep within when they are alone. Through marriage, they will understand and experience truly what holiness and sacrifices for Love are all about. Sad to say, many people are just too fixed and rigid in mind that they have blind faith following the laws and preconceived personal perception but not true faith with the Spirit of Love.

Sometimes, it is true that the people of opposite genders are tempting them. Sometimes, these people are just tools to tell them to face themselves deep within. Some ultimately drop out due to temptation where they suffer further as no objects of temptation will last. However, some drop out after they are called to which result in condemnation by the others and yet they lead more meaningful lives which truly transform them and draw them nearer to holiness. In fact, I admire them for their courage as they dare to walk in truth despite misunderstanding and condemnation from others. They choose to be themselves and walk in truth. Only by facing their true selves and have the courage to walk in truth, then God can transform them deep withn and their love towards others will be sincere. It is dangerous when one has misconception towards holiness and martyrdom. It will only lead them to self glorification, claiming that we will never understand their suffering and vocations as if it is any easier to be single or married. Well, what can I say? I am already out of church. Anyway, one person who is a saint to me is my mummy. I had seen how she had suffered in faith through her undying love for me and other students despite hurts and misunderstanding. I had seen how she had loved in fidelity towards her husband and daughter. She was a rare gem who dared to be herself and true in Love. This is what I truly call martyrdom. She had walked in holiness with all her flaws as who she was, drawing me closer to God and experiencing the Love of God through her. How many people such courage to be themselves and love with sincerity despite misunderstandings and persecutions? Times have changed. Think out of the box with the Spirit of Love and you will find the Way.

With Love,
Elena

Reflection on the Gospel Reading on the 11 April 2011

Jn 8:1-11

It is all about what is within me. It dos not matter how other people have accused me. God looks into my heart and will do justice to me. Many people have misunderstood me for many years. Now, I have left the church. But, I do not leave with any guilt for God knows me through and through. People in church may still slap me with accusations and labels. It does not matter anymore. In today’s gospel, Jesus is telling me, “Neither do I condemn you.


Go, and from now on do not sin any more.” No matter what I have done wrong in the past, God has forgiven me. Each day is a new day. I should start anew with God and continue to build my relationship closer to God each day even though I have left the church. I wonder how the people who have accused me will react if ‘Jesus bent down and began to write on the ground with his finger.’ That is only what is drawn or written on the rgound speaks into their hearts.

As long as I am right with God deep within, I will also be right with the others with the Spirit of Love. I no longer care what people may say regarding me leaving church. Only I know and God knows and that is enough. I will never abandon my faith for God is the only One who has braved through many storms with me over the years and has been blessing me in the faces of so many loving and kind people over the years. So, I too, should be the face of Christ for the others and continue to share God’s Love with the others no matter where I go. I thank God for loving me as who I am. Whatever people say or accuse, it no longer matters for Christ is in me.

With Love,
Elena

At the Crossroad

Just came back from my sister's house. I enjoyed myself with a church friend after my jog at the stadium. I thanked her for giving me the privilege of listening to her pouring out her heart. Then, I went to the new nursing home to see my granfather. He looked fine and the environment of the new nursing is much better. The location where he is sleeping is airy and bright. At least, the blanket which he is using is clean!! The conditions of the people here are much more normal without making a lot of noise. This does help in my grandfather's psychological state. But, my nonsensical relative may transfer him to that old and dirty nursing home which he stayed before this just because she does not know how to go to this new nursing home!! What the heck!! It's as if she were going to stay in the home. What kind of mentality is that for having convenience for herself at the expense of my grandfather's living environment? Ok, more conflicts in the family. I violently object!!

I think I have given myself the last chance to try my best to fit into the Catholic church but have failed. I went for a talk last night. The speaker was one of my favorite preachers as he would preach with depth. So, I rushed from work which ended at 7plus in the evening and reached the place for the talk at 8plus. Normally, when the speaker joked, I would laugh heartily. What he preached would get into my ears. Don't know what happened last night. I just felt the atmosphere weird. When he joked, I tried to laugh but I did not laugh with my heart. Most of what he preached did not get into my ears. Rather, I had this weird feeling that the session was like a fan club gathering. Some people did go there sincerely for the talk while the others were there to support the speaker. I do give the speaker the credit that he had done his job very well. He did make the audience laugh and listen to him at the same time. As long as what he preached touched the people, I am contented enough. Nevertheless, nothing he talked about touched my heart anymore. Somehow, I know I no longer find meaning in community life in church other than the sacraments which still hold deep meaning to me. I felt disconnected from the people and the speaker, like I am just an audience watching them in a show. Maybe, I am sick of seeing all the pretence and idolization and favoritism in church. I am normally sharp at catching people's motives or sense what some people are feeling inside. I hope what I had sensed last night was wrong. What disturbs me greatly is what the speaker was feeling inside. He definitely did not have any ill intention. I just feel disturbed but can't tell what. Well, it is not important anymore since I have decided to leave the church. Anyway, God and the people around him will take care of him which he enjoys too. I will go back for the sacraments once in awhile. Nothing wrong with the Catholic faith. Nothing wrong with God. There are also a few sincere people around. I am just sick of seeing such scenes. I am not leaving with any anger or resentment. What I look for is sincere hearts towards others and self which are rare. I will never abandon my faith. God never fails me in my life no matter where I am. Now, the whole world is my church instead of just being confined within that building. I will still lead a community life no matter where I go.

OMG! This week has been a crazy week with the event coming on next Thursday. I am not sure why all  issues which had never happened in the past happen when I come in. A lot of changes which my colleagues have never encountered before. I have been so tired that I really yearn to have one week of break just to sleep. Have been having insomnia as my mind refuses to shut off at night since it has been too active during the day. The only way to handle the stress is to joke and fool around with my colleagues to keep the tension down. I am the blur cock in my department as I tend to be careless and can't remember details. My reporting officer keeps on laughing at my blur cock trait. In return, I also called her 'Orang Utan' because of the way she ate her nuts. Sometimes, we complain to one another about the problems that we face at work. This helps us to be more united in the same boat. I really feel the unity in my team and we are out to help each other in the same boat just like how the disciples are in the same boat facing the storms together. I am surrendering my whole team to Jesus to help us to calm the situation. One more week to go before I move on to another quite major project. My body has been giving me signal to rest. No choice. Can only catch up with my sleep during the weekend. I don't know how long I can take it. But, my body has come up with red light for me to have a stop. I know I may not pass my probation at the end of this year. Well, I have done my best. I will lift it up to God.

Sometimes, I just do not understand why some people harp on small matters, even down to my status of the communicator at workplace. Communicator is MSN which we use for communication online at my workplace. I can't believe a person with high position kept on harping me on the status of the communicator being busy. Even some of my colleagues got some scolding over small matters. This set me thinking if I will end up like her if I am not careful. I am not judging her. She is just a warning to me that I may end up like her if I am not careful. I am just wondering if she feels miserable being disturbed by every small little thing even though I don't deny that she is capable not lacking in material wants and status. How can she ever experience peace deep within? She also has this mentality that the singles should mingle in the office after work instead of going home. However, after work, some people like me, have something on. It does not mean that being single, I only have work life and that's it. I also have my family life, social life, spiritual life, etc. Life is more than just work. I wonder if her distorted mentality is because of her imbalance in life. The goverment encourages us to get married and give birth. How to do that if I have to work more than 9 hours daily being drowned in various roles and projects? By the time I reach home, I am half dead. Sometimes, I am so tired that I go straight to bathe and sleep without dinner.

I remember my ex-reporting officer asking me if I really want to spend all my time travelling around the world for work and nothing else. Is that what I want? I am grateful she shared with me her personal experience as a single in her late 30s. She had achieved all she wanted such as car, house, travelling around the world, money, etc. But, when she went home, all she faced were the four walls alone at home. What she had achieved did not satisfy her in the end. She advised me while I am still young (Ok, I am not that young too.), I should really think for myself if I really want to travel around the world for work and earn so much money and yet feeling lonely at home in the end.  Well, I do seriously think over it. To me, it depends on which vocation is for me. There is nothing wrong with being single if I am called to be.

Many people, including myself, have this distorted perception that people who are single right into their midlife till they die tend to be abnormal. Abnormal in what sense? Abnormal in a way that they are moody, bad tempered, unpredictable, anal, unfriendly, etc. Actually, being single can be as normal as anyone who is married as long as I know how to harness the energy within me and balance my life. For married couples, they have each other to go through thick and thin together. For singles, they can always have a network of close friends to support one another and close ties with family. For married people, they can channel their creative sexual energy through lovemaking to bear fruits of Love. For singles, they can always channel such creative sexual energy through arts, regular exercise, learning new things, music and reaching out to help and connect with others. A person can only become abnormal, whether single or not, is when his/her life is lop-sided where he/she focuses herself/himself on one or two aspects of life so much that it is done at the expense of the others. For instance, most singles will focus so much in their careers that they do not have time to build close bonds with the others. When they are at home alone, they will feel very lonely. When they need to talk to someone, they realize that they have got no one to talk to. This insecurity deep within may manifest in the form of possession of certain things or people such as earning as much money as possible using more and more money to fill that emptiness within or controlling the lives of the other family members or colleagues until they are running their lives for them to the point of suffocation. Some even release the sexual energy through the pleasure of having sex with others before marriage. Some even mistake such acts of casual sex as an expression of love.

I am hitting 33 years old in less than 3 months' time. I have been helping many people and getting involved with church ministries for years. I have been spending regular time with God. Sorry to say that I do not feel fulfilled inside though I do feel some joy when others are happy from my help. At this point of time, I do not see the meaning of earning money at work and go home. Then, spend my weekends with friends and family members. Something is still lacking. I am contemplating to save some money and spend some time staying overseas to have a new life. It is definitely not escapism. I just need a new life. I am what some people called a bird without feet. I have been a wanderlust for years. I will continue to move on and help others whoever I am called to along the way. If you don't see me in Singapore, most probably, I have moved overseas to venture out. I simply loathe Singapore lifestyle. I do not see the quality of life here. Life is not about getting high pay with high position bringning glory to myself. I am earning more and more money, my position is getting higher and higher, but I am still not happy. I will stop being a bird with two feet only when God blesses me with a spouse who gives me the two feet to settle down. That is another way to have a new life with meaning. I was at my sister's house just now. I was looking at my niece who is two months old. As I looked at her, I felt a sense of peace. I still can't handle kids and don't know how to do marketing till now. But, if I am blessed with a spouse, he can help me with it. God will deal with everything. If no spouse, I will continue to be a bird without feet helping people and experiencing life.

I am a simple person. After so many years, my values keep on changing, from ambitious ones down to the simple one. My ideal is just to spend each day with peace with my spouse and bear fruits in Love, enjoying family life in our love nest. And, we reach out to help others together. I do not need limelight and glory. Over the years, I have got all the attention and love I need from the people in my life. Some have passed on. Had got some awards or recognition. Enough for me. I would like to have a taste of how it is like to live as one with a spouse. It is a beautiful and awesome form of art to live with another person with his individuality so intimately as one. Bravo to God for us to have a taste of paradise of how it is like to be a part of Him through being a part of each other in marriage! How it is like to have a life in my womb and go through the pain of delivering with deep joy, expressing the beauty of maternal instinct in a woman created by God. How it is like to have my own home where I know no matter harsh the world is outside, there is always this sense of security that there is someone waiting for me at home which brings out even stronger of God being there for me in the face of my spouse. How I feel earning money to build my own family sharing love with my family through parting of my hard earned money, etc. These experiences are gifts from God. These are small miracles in life. Not everyone is blessed with such small miracles. I am not afraid of hardship. If I can survive till now, I don't see any storms which I can't get through. I always tell my teammates, 'God will never put us into situations which we can't handle. We just need to have faith.' I strongly believe in that.

See where God is leading me to. I do have the strong urge to go overseas to venture with the very little money with me. Hopefully, like what the speaker menitoned last night that after I had spent the one hour with Jesus on Holy Thursday being true to myself and lift up the very issues which cause a lot fo noise inside, my angel will appear. Actually, I have lifted up these issues to God and stop escaping. Now, I am waiting for this angel to appear in my life. Very excited now. I am planning my Hong Kong trip at the end of May with my friend in town tomorrow. I am dying for this break away.

With Love,
Elena

Reflection on the Gospel Reading on the 7 April 2011

Jn 5:31-47

Jesus appears to me in the people whom God has been sending into my life. Often, many people choose to worship people in life rather than God. In fact, in church, I witnessed for myself how some people try to hurt their brothers and sisters to get into the good books of the priests and leaders, and how some priests and leaders have favoured them and get rid of others who have offended them or are not as like-minded as them.


I must also be alert that I do not fall into such trap. If not, I will get into politics and hurt people, hindering the expansion of God’s Kingdom. Ultimately, the people whom I try to please above God will die one day. People will change. These idols may not even appreciate what I have done. There is no real friendship established. That is why since young, I often wonder why people choose to worship another human beings, even at the expense of hurting others due to jealousy or insecurity. There is nothing wrong in admiring certain traits in a person which we may desire to have. But, it is definitely ridiculous to hurt others just to gain favour from the objects of our admiration. It just does not make sense to me. The worse case is some of these people think the others are just as crazy as them and go all out to hurt others. It is rather amusing to watch them wasting life on such worthless projects as a soap opera. Nevertheless, good source of entertainment to me. I am wicked, right? *Wink* *Wink*

All things and people are created by God. Ultimately, whatever or whoever we admire are created by God. What we truly admire behind all these things and people is God. Today, I thank God for reminding me not to fall into the trap of worshipping people or things instead of God and that all things and people are products out of the creativity and Love from God. What I truly admire is God. I do see some good examples in church and my life. Some people like Fr JJ from IHM, Fr Paul Goh from the Church of Holy Spirit, the late FR Albert Renckens, my godparents, some of my friends who stick through thick and thin with me despite the devil in me coming out of me from time to time, some of my colleagues and my family members. I am very thankful for these people in my life from whom I have experienced God’s love. They never fail to reprimand me if needed. They never fail to love me. I thank them for the Christ centered love for they never judge me harshly no matter how I have strayed or nasty at times. Last but not least, I am very thankful for Fr JJ from IHM and Fr Paul Goh for being my confessors as they have shown me the face of Christ giving me ease and comfort that I can trust them with my deepest sins and for being voices of God to forgive me. Sometimes, people are even puzzled by why I keep on laughing during the penitential services while confessing to my confessors. Not that I am not serious but I am very joyful that I am forgiven by God through them and they have never failed to make me feel welcome back to God and comfortable no matter how grave my sins are. They have helped me to experience the humorous and gentle side of God.

With Love,
Elena

Family as the first step towards the Kingdom of God

Things are getting overwhelming. My projects at work are at their peak period. I am still new to the organization and going through a lot of changes in the organization which I have to learn with confusion even among my colleagues. For this week, I have been working for 10 hours daily without stopping for breaks. In my case, I am not a detailed person and yet I have to force myself to be detailed at work. As usual, I depend on caffeine to help me to stay alert to the details and focus. I know it is bad for health. But, I have no choice. I need to earn a living. I am a ball trying to fit into a square peg. With my educational level, I can only do jobs that are administrative which have never been my forte. I also have to face nasty attitude from some colleagues at work as they cannot handle their stress. So, they throw their tantrum on me. A major event is coming up in mid April. All the colleagues in my team, including me, are struggling to keep things moving as all aspects of the projects keep on encountering problems. We rae all very drained out. My colleagues and I keep on joking with one another that we may have to jump into the  Singapore River which is near the venue where we will be holding our event. I told them I would have to jump into the sea as all my papers are having problems with Finance Department since the procurement process is getting very strict after the corruption case was reported in the newspaper within the sector. I guess I may not pass my one year probation at this current workplace at the end of this year. I am feeling very drained and tired. However, on last Friday, we celebrated some colleagues' birthdays. Some of us contributed something to the celebration out of friendship. We let our hair down for the first time to have a little break after a fewe months of battle. I enjoyed myself with them.

Have visited my grandfather in a nursing home in the last morning after my jog at the stadium. No words can express the feelings in my heart when I visited the nursing home. I have been helping people for many years. I even visited and helped out at certain homes at times. However, what I realized when I visited my grandfather was the feelings are very different from the compassion that I had for the people staying at the homes. Feelings run deeper and the pain for him is much sharper. I may have compassion towards people in the nursing home. But, it is definitely different from the feelings that I have for my grandfather. I do not know what to say but to keep silent.

This nursing home is transformed from a very old house which looks run down without repainting. All I saw was a counter and many rooms. In these rooms, I saw many people lying down with different conditions. Some were mentally unsound. Some had their legs amputated. Some had tubes inserted through their noses. When I went into a room where my grandfather was, I really hoped I did not go in. He was lying on the bed. He looked much worse there than he was in the Ang Mo Kio hospital earlier on. His body was only left with skin and bone with a tube inserted through his nose to feed him with milk. What upset me further was the caretaker told me he refused to be fed with the milk at times. He was sleeping most of the time. Even when we visited him, his eyes kept on closing and he told us he wanted to sleep. I should say that I am useless. I can't communicate with him directly as I don't understand Hainanese which he has been speaking and I also need someone to translate what I say to him. One of my aunts asked me how I found the place. I looked at her and shook my head after telling her if I were to stay in that place. To me, dumping him in that place is just asking him to wait for him to die there. My family would like to bring him back to my house and get my relatives to pay for a maid to take care of him since my family can't afford to employ a maid. But, because he is still having a tube inserted through his nose into his body, my relatives do not think that a maid can handle it. At the back of my mind, I am asking myself if that is true as the maid can be trained to feed him through the tube. So, as long as he has the tube with him, we cannot bring him back home. Sigh! What can I do?  What I cannot stand is the blanket that my grandfater is using is so dirty. I can't help it but feeling very sad that he is living like any beggars along the street. But, what can I say? I do not have the money to send him into a much better home. Swallow my sadness since I have no money for him to live comfortably. I really can't stand the sight of him being covered with such a dirty used blanket staying in such rundown building. What has he done wrong to deserve it? I am praying for him to leave this world. He is tortured by his illness and his living condition. He has been crying to go home. How would any old people want to die in that place?

I can't do anything much. I can only visit him with my family from time to time to make sure that he is alright. Each visit is a torment to me. But, I know we have to do it no matter how we feel inside. We just want him to know that though my family is poor, we love him in other ways. We want him to know that we are still by his side. My grandfather was a very strong and independent man who was quite well educated and well versed in Chinese calligraphy. It was devastating to see him for the first time throughout my life crying and getting angry over certain issues which my family could not help. He has been crying to go home. But, my family has no say. Sometimes, he was even tied up to prevent him from getting out of the bed as he kept on wanting to get off the bed and might risk falling.  We feel helpless. For his remaining days, I just pray that he will spend his remaining days in peace and love that we still care for him with our presence. We are trying to take turns to visit him as much as we can. Whenever I visit him, a mixture of so many intense feelings keep on tossing within me with helplessness. I think this is the cross that I have to carry not just out of my duty as a granddaughter but out of Love before he finally leaves the world. I do not want him to feel that he is old and useless and being dumped as he had told us. In fact, he is very much treasured and loved by us. I can't really talk to him as I do not understand Hainanese. I am also bad with warm body language like a hug or touch or holding his hand like what my relatives and family members do. I hope my presence conveys my Love to him.

Family ties are important. Christian living should always start from the family. How can I claim that I love God and people if I do not even care or love my own family? I have bumped into some Christians who do mission work or help out in church and yet they fight like cats and dogs within their families. I remember vividly about this religious sister when I was under spiritual direction with my ex spiritual director. When I first met this sister, I felt that she was harsh in her words and I could sense that she was very unhappy inside. Later, then, someone revealed to me that I sense things about her correctly as she was having very bad relationships with her family at that time. From what I learn is even before I evangelize, am I aware that what is inside me may be expressed or manifested in my mannerism, behaviour and interaction with others? How can I evangelize and be light to others when others may sense that I am holding on to grudges or hatred in me?

Charity starts from home. I always believe that everyone needs a home. I believe in marriage. Though difficult and it takes a lot of sacrifices and acceptance of the spouse, it is beautiful. It makes one person complete. I am talking about people who are called to get married. As for religious sisters and brothers, priests, consecrated brothers and sisters and priests and singles who are called to be singles, God has created homes for them in other ways. I also do not think that these people are any holier than married people. I often think that the family created by my parents will be very different from the home which I create with my spouse. It takes a lot of efforts and time to build such love nest out of Love from scratch together. I am still single and I cannot say how it is exactly like. If it is God's will, I will get married if the right man comes. Marriage is God's blessing to the man and woman in the Holy Matrimony. It can never be forced. If you ask me, though I know I am quite a weird person whom most people will find problems living with, I will get married according to God's will. I have confidence and trust that God will bless me with someone who can love and accept me as who I am. Maybe, he is as weird as me. Marriage is an adventure with my spouse to me. There is alot of areas for us to explore in the marriage and also in each other and through each other, ourselves which may be hidden or lie dormant deep within. When I become parent, I will understand the pain and time that my own parents have and I will learn to appreciate those poeple who are parents even more, especially my own parents. It is not easy to build and maintain a home. It requires a lot of nurturing and pain and sacrifices. Priests, religious sisters and brothers can apply leave. But, married people, especially those who are parents can never apply leave. Forgiveness and acceptance are the key tools towards harmony in the family, just like how God has forgiven me 'seventy-seven times' and love me as who I am. This is also shown through Jesus' death as an unblemished lamb for our sins so that we can return to God and to be part of Him in Love. In a family, it is also about being forgiving and welcoming that person into the family again and again. You may ask he may not appreciate it and even abuse the mercy. Well, if I pray regularly to stay close to God and work under the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I will know how to forgive and love without being abused in Wisdom.

I am still a single woman handling all matters alone in my life. I feel tired walking alone even thugh I have Christ in me. I am a human afterall. But, I will also never get a spouse out of desperation as this will only lead me to the wrong marriage and cause unnecessary misery. Life is too short for that. Treasure your spouse if you have one. He/She is there to be your confessor for you to be yourself, to go through thick and thin with you in Love. It is also never coincidental that why certain people are part of your family even if you hate them. They are there to help you to grow to be more complete and walk towards holiness. For me, somehow, I keep on sensing that someone out there is meant for me to be my spouse though I have Christ in me. I am still waiting for him though I do not know who the heck that idiot is. No matter who that idiot is, I know he is God's gift to me and I will love and accept him as who he is. I don't if my future spouse is a good looking, talented, popular or rich man. I just hope that my future spouse will be a person who is true to himself and others, humble, responsible, kind, loyal, and love and accept me as who I am. For me, I will simply give up on any guys who do not have the guts to express their true feelings to me no matter how much I may love them as this shows that their pride is more important than me and they do not love me enough for such expression. So, why bother to even wait for them? They can embrace their pride for the rest of their lives. I pray that God will bless me with the adventurous spiritual tour package for me to journey through life with a spouse together. I like to share the same faith with him and enjoy the deep joy and love of going through thick and thin together. Meanwhile, I will continue to lead life to the fullest. If I am called to be single, so be it. God knows what is the best for me though I may admire others for having the gifts of setting up their love nests with their spouses.

I had a nice dinner with my nephew, mother and sister. Our dinner was filled with laughter after many months of tension from various bad news. I am also giving myself a break away from Singapore. Hurray! Going to HongKong at the end of May. The intial plan was I wanted to go overseas alone. Then, my best friend wanted to come along. So, good. God blesses me with my best friend as my companion for this holiday. See, God is so kind to bless me with someone to enjoy this holiday. My friend even handled all the booking of air tickets and hotel room as I can't handle details. I thank God for such help through my friend. I also thank my friend for being my friend for 14 years.  I really need this break away from Singapore very badly. If not, I am breaking down soon, handling so many projects at work with so many things happening in my personal life. I thank God for being with and in me. If not, I could not have passed through so many stroms and changes in my life. Though I have not been going to church most of the time as I do not feel any connection with anyone and am sick of seeing many fights, abuses, pretence and politics in church, it does not mean I do not love God. I know I am not as holy as the people there. Even according to a professional psychological test done by professional in church, I can't fit into general population and most people in church find it difficult to accept me as they have certain fixed criteria of a holy person which I can never fit into and I do not intend to change myself into just to fit into their criteria. I have no intention to please anyone or lick any priests' boots. So be it. Also no point getting angry or bearing grudges at all. On my part, I have done my best to fit in until I could no longer be myself. I have changed two parishes. It does not work means it does not work. I will just spend time with God in the church building once in awhile. Just move on. Life is much more than that. But, I see God in many people outside the church. We also talk about God and love God. I am still experiencing God's Love even more outside church. I will spend time through the scriptures and spiritual writings and nature. I will continue to spend regular quiet time with God daily outside church. Without God, I would not be around. Even if I have to marry a non Catholic outside church in the future, so be it. To me, I just want to be myself and true to myself and others while opening myself to God to continue to transform me deep within. I will still communicate with Him regularly because He is my Father who will never abandom me no matter what. He is Love who never fails to love.     


With God,
Elena