Challenge of 3 Days of Full Fasting

This week is a Holy Week. What am I going to do for the Holy Week this year? I would like to take this challenge of fasting for three days. The fasting is mainly a sacrifice and an offering for a friend who is going through chemotherapy and for the purification of myself. I am toying with the idea of 3 days of full fast. I am not sure how as my health is not in tip top condition with fever on and off and bad cough. Obviously, the haze is hitting me again. Somehow, deep within me, I have this strong desire to take on this challenge. I don't know how with the demands from my online courses, hectic work and lessons I have signed up for during the weekend. Without food at all, I am not sure how I should go about fulfilling those daily demands. I guess that is when faith must be stretched for me to have such breakthrough. It seems to be a 3 day fasting marathon to me. If I can get through it, my faith will be much stronger. I hope that my fasting will support and help a friend spiritually in overcoming his illness and bring him renewed hope. This fasting to me is not a chore but one with love. It's like going through suffering and pain with my sickly friend through his illness. In a deeper sense, it is going through the pain and suffering with Jesus. Jesus is in everyone. Each time we go through thick and thin with anyone, we are going through it all with Christ. That, itself, is a process of purification of love towards others and God because true sacrifice goes beyond self and the love goes out to the people we care and our Heavenly Father. There is no room for self centeredness.

It is Maundy Thursday. Tradition has it that there will be washing of the feet to reenact how Jesus had washed the feet of his disciples. It is a good chance for me to reflect whose feet I am not willing to wash and those are the very people I should forgive and reconcile with. Life is too short for petty matters and running away. That is why I will never understand why people want to fight against one another to gain favour, higher positions, wealth, status, popularity etc. which never last and cause disharmony and hurt instead. All these things will be gone upon our death. Why make life so miserable as if life is not tough enough? If you ask me honestly, are there any feet which I would not kneel down and wash? The answer is no. I do not hate anyone so much that I can't forgive.

Recently, I have done reflection on this meditation on washing of the feet from one of the Lent apps. There are basically three parts in a man's body. The highest point is head which governs our high reason where the soul clings to God, the middle part being hands as the lower reason for the soul to operate in good works and the lowest point which is the feet where there are senses and the feelings and the desires arising from them. It is interesting to note that the Lords knew his disciples' heads were joined to God by faith and charity and their hands were clean for He knew their good works but not their feet where there were inclinations to earthly things that derive out of life of the senses.  That was where the washing was needed to cleanse them completely.

The feet are always on the ground which cause our feet to be constantly dirty. We need to wash them from time to time to keep them clean. Before we go to bed, we will make sure our feet be kept clean so that we could rest comfortably. This brings me to the idea that when we are about to meet the Lord, we definitely have to keep our feet clean so that we will be pure enough to meet the Lord and rest in peace. It's akin to washing our feet clean before we rest for the night. Notice that our sins always involve our feet. When we sin, we need to go to those places or people where our desires and feelings bring us to. What carry us there are our feet. That is why Jesus did mention about shaking off the dust if the disciples left the houses where they were no welcome. For us, we need to wash our feet from time to time. Sometimes, we need to wash one another's feet. No man is an island. Sometimes, we may not even notice that our feet are dirty and we need reminders from the others about it. If not, we show our love for one another by washing each other's feet. I love this act as it is a simple and yet humble act on the part of the person washing the feet while the recipient receiving such love with gratitude. There is this sharing of Love without any pomp or self centeredness. When a person washes the feet, he has to kneel or squat down to be of lower posture than the recipient. This posture, itself, is a powerful gesture to show one's sincerity and humility to serve with true love. I really kowtow to Jesus who did it to his disciples. He was indeed a serving leader. 

I am watching a show about family love. It is a Cantonese TVB drama series, titled 'Reality Check. GPS'. I like the theme song. It is simple and yet full of warmth and meaning. It reminds me of 'mummy'. Through that song, I realize how tough it was for her to love the young rebellious me more than a decade ago. I really miss her. I miss her scolding. She is the only person so far who would forgive me again and again even after I had caused her blood pressure to rise a few times. She refused to give me up and walked with me silently till she died with love. She bothered to correct me when I was wrong. She bothered to look at me when I was sick. She bothered to ask me why I was sad, angry even when she was very sick. She ever mentioned to someone who later conveyed the message to me, 'I want to make her happy but I don't know how to.' And, she did try her best to make me happy, plan things out for me to continue with my life after her death. The theme song reminds me of her because there is one part of the foster mother scolding the child and being misunderstood but all she got from the foster on is her hair turning white and smiling as she sees him going the right way and growing up healthily. Even when he falls again and again, she will always hug him. Whenever I hear this part of the song, I am always touched and think of how 'mummy' had done that to me. We have never hugged but I knew whenever I got into any trouble, she would always be there for me. Her presence had helped me to brave through many storms at that time. She was my silent walker.

This song also reminds me of my sickly friend. I should say our relationship has never been smooth. My communication and social skills are not good. When he was in the wrong, I tried to tell him in private. Towards him, I have tried all ways to protect him. It might hurt him in the process. But, it was all worthwhile when I saw him growing to be better and better. When I saw that he was doing well, I let go of him to grow with the others. Letting go is hard as I have this bond with this person. I was happy to grow with him during those years, I thought that after his higher education, he would be better equipped to serve others and grow to be more mature and happy. I miss him alot as my friend for the past few years thinking of how he had been getting on. Missing someone while refraining from contacting him can be miserable. I keep it to myself most of the time. I refused to contact him thinking that he would be much better without me in his life and that I would not want to disrupt his life as he was enjoying his new life with his many friends and loved ones. I chose to be an invisible air which kept him in my prayers. As long as he is happy, I am happy. Never had I expect him to be down with such serious sickness. When my friend broke the news to me, my face turned pale. My friend was afraid of me fainting as my face turned pale suddenly. I just told her I was fine. But, deep inside,  I am seriously broken. I literally felt my heart drop.

I am badly affected. No matter how strong my faith is, I am still a human with feelings and blood. All I want is to see him getting healed. If it is God's will for him to go, I really hope to walk his remaining days with him. Keeping me away does not help me but worsen my situation. He does not need o be my lover for me to walk with him. I just want to be a friend to be there for him. It is rather strange that people always think that you must be lovers to make sacrifices for the other. For me, it is not true. We don't need to be lovers for me to go through thick and thin with you. I have not seen him for years. I really hope to see him before he is gone. I feel the pressure of time and yet I do not want to impose on him. There is a lot of tension in me that there is not enough time and yet I want to respect his privacy. We have never reconciled. His silence is telling me he has not forgiven me. If not, he could have responded with at least a 'thank you for your prayers' or he is no longer angry. His refusal to communicate only adds on to my guilt and pressure. I know it is stupid that he can't be bothered with my feelings and situation and yet I am still there for him and even fast for him. Love does not calculate. I just want his remaining days, months or even years here to be as happy as possible. Yes, I am stupid to care for someone who does not care. The fact is that my heart cares about him. While he is around, I will do what I can to care for him.

I am thinking of multiple church visits tonight as I have never done it before. For a change, I will do it as a form of pilgrimage for my faith and for my sickly friend. Hope all of you will enjoy to grow with the Lord during this Holy Week before we rejoice with him through his Resurrection.

With heaviness,
Elena

How long can I go on at this rate?

Not here to broadcast my pain. Anyway, nobody really visits this blog. I guess this is the only channel where I can let my feelings and thoughts out as I don’t feel like communicating with anyone. People got scolded by me. I no longer joke at workplace. What is wrong with me? It has been a week since the news of his illness. Till now, I can only have one or half a meal per day. Beyond that, I get diarrhea. My sleep is badly affected. Don’t ask me why. I find it silly. My communication with people is minimal. I know it is silly. I also find it stupid. At the rate I go, my body will give way. I know I have lost weight. My mum has been nagging at me for not eating. With menstruation, it is even worse. My body gets bruises easily. Maybe, it is lack of blood. It always happens if my body is too weak or lack of blood. I have even trying to eat and sleep as much as I can. I am just too upset to eat or sleep.

For him, despite his illness, he is enjoying his birthday celebration with his supporters and friends. From what he wrote and told others, he is enjoying the lots of attention from people around the world. He seems to be enjoying it and he wants it this way and no other ways. Actually, that has been very him; Lots of attention and care from many people. He is also trying to show others how strong his faith is despite his illness. I think this is his way of coping with his illness.

Somehow, something deep within me has told me that I am blessed that he is not the right man for me even if I liked him or he is available to marry me. I guess this is not the kind of man to be my spouse. Not that he is bad. Somehow, this is not the kind of man I am looking for as my spouse. I need a mature Christian who readily forgives and loves others in Christ way. When facing problems or conflicts with others, he does not run away but to face them. Most importantly, he is sincere and honest with himself and others. From the way he handles me, I am very disappointed. It is as if I were his sin. I do not know why he does not have the guts to face me. It has already come to this stage where he may be gone at any time and I have been badly affected. As a woman, I have already humbled myself to ask for forgiveness and reconciliation when both of us play our parts in the misunderstanding and conflicts between us.

I admit I have spiritual bond with him. It has been so strong that I can’t break it even after years of not contacting him or even running away from him. In February this year, I was thinking if he could be back in Singapore. Something just prompted me that with zero information about him. This is scary. Why can’t I just break that spiritual bond as we no longer have any form of contact or connection? This spiritual bond is killing me inside. I can feel how he feels. It is not something I enjoy. I am not sure if he is just putting on a strong front as a public figure to show others he is strong in faith or to assure the people around him that he is doing very well. But, why needs plenty of attention around the world? I don’t know. I have met countless sick people. Most of them do not need so much attention to keep them moving on.  

I am not sure how he sees me now. I think that when a person is contracting terminal disease, it is not just about him. It is also about other people in his life. If he leaves, does it mean that the people who do not have closure with him have to suffer for the rest of their lives? I spoke to my wise colleague about it but never specify who he is. My colleague knows that all I want is a closure with reconciliation. My colleague even told me as a man, as a Christian, we should be forgiving and generous to forgive and reconcile with the others. Unfortunately, most of the churchgoers do not practise that.

I think if he has mentality that it is not important to reconcile with me, I should say that there is a certain level of discrimination. It’s like I am not worthy of his time for such reconciliation and forgiveness. It’s as if I were the adulterous woman to be stoned. I am not sure if he knows he has stoned me and I am bleeding to death. Am I really such a sinner? He always thinks that I have ulterior motives towards him. But, how sure is he that the people around him do not have? Some of them have stopped me from reconciling with him and deliberately telling me he is treating them better than me. Do true Christians practice that? I really doubt their sincerity towards him too. Christians should promote forgiveness and reconciliation but not division or competition to gain favour. If I have ulterior motives towards him, I wouldn’t have broken all the contacts with him and even left the church so that he could study well and come back for his holidays with ease without seeing me. Why did I have to go to such extent? Knowing that leaving the church at that time would invite more gossips and yet I left because I wanted to break the spiritual bond between us and gave him the comfort that I was no longer in his life. Has he ever thought of that? All I did for the past few years was to quietly pray for him. It is very tough to keep on suppressing and bottling up everything with me. Even some of my friends and people who do not really know me feel that I keep a lot of things within myself, sometimes to the extent of affecting my health.

After he has left my church, I did continue to go there for one year. Why did I leave? I left because I saw him standing at the door of the centre. Upon seeing me, he disappeared. If not, he kept coming back to my church and I also saw him outside quite frequently. He might have come back for his supporters or me. To make sure I was not the hindrance to his growth, I decided to leave my church. It was a bitter move. When he moved overseas, I stopped all contacts and disappeared. Not that I hate him but love him. When I mention love, it does not necessarily mean romantic love. Love is something universal. I remember when some church people confronted me about issues regarding him, I mentioned about love. They twisted it and it became romantic love. Yes, I did have certain liking towards him but I love him more. That is why I have never done anything sinful when he was around. I kept a distance away from him and made others aware of our behavior towards each other so that we would not sin while helping him along the way. When he served in ministries, I never disturbed him. Sometimes, I even excused myself. When I served, if I found his presence disturbing me, I would tell him. When he had a big performance, I did not appear so that he could focus on his performance and enjoyed it with his supporters and loved ones. I supported him quietly back in church for some event and even got insinuated by my leader.

So what if I had a certain level of liking towards him? I think some women around him have liking towards him. They even flirt with him and keep others from going near him. They even say unpleasant things to me to keep me away from him not out of protection but out of insecurity that he may grant me favour over them. Liking is no big deal. I have been very honest with my feelings with him so that he will know how to handle me. If I love a person, I would not want to hide anything. I value honesty. I do not follow him in and out daily like some women around him. I am sorry I do not know how to please him or even flirt. If he is wrong, I think I should inform him so that he could grow and improve. If I were to be wicked, I would hide my feelings and flirt with him and get him to like me. But, I really do not have the heart to do it.

He is down with sickness now. I hope he will stop running away from things so that he will not leave with regrets and leaving others in regrets. There is no such as reaching out to people is more important than reconciling with people in his life. If you can’t even reconcile with people in your life, how big and sincere can your heart be to reach out to others? Or is the person not important enough for you to reconcile with him or her? Then, there is a certain level of discrimination. You have divided the people in your life into who are worthy and who are not. Did Jesus only die for some people but not all? For the person who has passed on, he has left with regrets. But, after his death, he has got no more regrets leaving the world. How about the surviving people? They still have to live on. Their qualities of life are affected and have to carry such regrets and burdens for the rest of their lives. Isn’t it cruel to them?

Now, all I want is to be there for him. I do not know how time he has or hard to say, how much time I have. Nobody knows who will go next. I know I do not stand anywhere in his heart from the fact that he is spending a lot of time with his loved ones and supporters. I remember him writing about not missing certain church groups when he just left for his studies. Obviously, his behavior does not say that. Whenever he comes back for holidays and even spends his last days now, he still flocks to them, celebrates with them, etc. Among these people he flocks to, most of them, especially the women, keep me away from him and stop us from reconciling with each other or even telling me he treats them better than me. Is it really out of protecting him?  

I know I am silly. I am seldom so silly. I avail myself to him so that if he needs any listening ears or anything at all, I am there for him. Mummy used to keep me away from her illness and hide from me that she was dying. She thought that by keeping it away from me, it would protect me from harm. She had underestimated my threshold of taking suffering. Instead of good intention of protecting me, my grief became complicated. Yes, it is painful to go through thick and thin and suffering with a sickly loved one. However, it is rich and the love involved is pure for both the giver and recipient to experience unconditional love to the fullest and truly understand and experience what goodness is. By keeping the people out of going through it with you, it only complicates the grief later on and the survivor will have to bear such regrets and even remorse for the rest of his life. Personally, whenever I go through suffering with people, my faith gets stronger as I rely on God out of Love for these loved ones. I know I go through it all with them not for myself but as an expression of love to them through my presence.

He is cruel to keep me out of him. I also cannot help it that we have strong spiritual bond. I cannot force him to see me. Not seeing him worries me a lot. Yes, God is taking care of him. But, I am a human after all. I care. Care would entail certain level of worry if I don’t see him at all. Am I still a sin to him? Is he sure that I am his sin?  I remember him scolding me this, “If you are not sure the person is the cause of sin, don’t carry things to the extreme.” Is he sure I am the cause of sin? Am I not worthy to care for him? Why would I want to have ulterior motive towards a sickly person?

I really do not know how long I can endure. My health is giving way with bruises appearing on my body. I am trying hard to eat. It is torturing to eat without enjoying any taste. Sometimes, standing in the train is challenging with my legs going soft. Despite feeling weak, I did try to walk very long distance to clear my mind so that by the time I reach home, I would be tired to sleep. But, it fails. I can’t work and study. I have lagged behind my current online course. Another one is coming up tomorrow. I also don’t know what to do. I just can’t focus. Crying becomes a routine. I do not know why he has affected me so much. He is enjoying his attention and care from people around the world and he has got me out of his life. He does not care a damn thing about me and doesn’t even bother to lift his fingers to reply me while having the energy and time to travel all the way from his home to his supporters’ places. Why am I so stupid to feel so sad? I also hate myself for being such a moron. I have cheapened myself. How I wish I can visit him. How I wish I can talk to him. How I wish I can see him. How I wish we can reconcile. How I wish we can eat happily together. How I wish……But all these thoughts are just my wishful thinking. He will just reply harshly as before, “Dream on!!”

People always say that I am smart. I am sorry that I am not as smart as you think from what I have written here. Do you think a smart person will be so stupid to care and worry about a person who sees her as unworthy and his sin? I am supposed to jog yesterday. Could not do so as I had sleepless night with menstruation, causing low blood pressure and bruises. I have sleepless night for tonight. I went back to church on last Friday. I gathered he was in his supporters’ house celebrating his birthday as his parents came for mass. I pretended not to know. I bumped into my deceased friend’s mum who is also my friend. She told me she missed her son. Her son committed suicide just before my birthday last year. When she told me she missed him, I was lost for words. I could only give her a hug. It upset me to see a friend so sad. I could feel her emotions and longing within. I hope to be there for her now that I have gone back to church. I am also there for my young friend who is going through tough time of abuse. I do not say that I am great. I just want to do as much as I can when I am still around. I am also there for him so that if he needs anything, he knows where to look for me.

I have just got contact details from my friend for working in USA. Her brother was washing dishes over there for half a year and managed to pay off his study loan and even bought branded stuffs back to Singapore. I am sick of my life here. I may be going over to do the same thing but for one year so that I may study there. I come from a poor family and my pay is not enough to save up. Besides, due to my poor health, I need some money with me for emergency use. My friends are concerned with my health if I really go there to wash dishes. But, that is the only way to get out of my poverty now. I have to think if my parents fall sick due to old age, we need money. If I do not get married in the future with my poor health, I need to have some money with me. I do not enjoy doing administrative work which does not suit my personality and abilities.  I need to get out of it and the only way is to have higher education.

I know the winter in US may kill me as I am prone to have asthma and legs cramps in cold countries. Breathing was challenging when I was in Australia for World Youth Day during winter a few years ago. I was in bed most of the time missing many church activities. My chest was tight and in pain most of the time. My migraine was killing me. But, I did not inform anyone. I did try to take care of my team mates who were having the same problems. I did my best but I got complaints. On the last 2^nd day of World Youth Day in Sydney, I was down with fever, flu and chest pain. What worried me was my heart problem but I was stubborn in walking that long distance carrying all the prayers with me while most of them had backed out due to a flu bug. My leader did ask me to back out. But, I refused to. If I promise something with my own will, I will make sure I fulfill it. I have not decided when I would go over to US. I really need a new environment. If there is a job vacancy, I will go over at once. If I find myself comfortable there, I will settle down there for good. Anyway, my brother and some friends told me my style is quite American. Some strangers even told me I do not give them a feeling of a Chinese. I don’t know what they meant y that. I do not like Chinese food. My colleagues all called me ‘Ang Mo’ (Caucasian) because of my preference for Western food and art. Some people even commented I looked like an American graduate. Graduates from America got look one meh? I don’t know what they mean by that.

If it is God’s will for me to go over, I will go over at once. Meanwhile, I will try very hard to survive here. I am not sure when I can start eating and sleeping normally before I say goodbye to my body. Last but not least, I hope to tell him as long as he is happy, I am happy no matter how painful it is going to be for me.

With sleepless night,

Elena   

Trying to survive death penalty

There are certain things that are beyond our control. I have always tried to control things. If I think by cutting off, the person will have a better life, I will do so regardless of my feelings. I guess when it comes to heart, you feel that way means you feel that way. You can deny, manipulate or pretend it's not there. But, do you really think it works that way? I do not cut off because I hate those people. Rather, I cut off because they are very dear to me. Do you think cutting off is easy? No. I am still a human with feelings. I am blessed to have faith to keep me going. However, sometimes, I do think if I have done the right thing by cutting off from some people. Before I cut off from anyone, I will think things through for a long time. Then, I will cut if I think is right. Somehow, I have neglected how the party feels. I did that to 'mummy' and I was wrong.

Another case is coming. I am not sure why God wants me to know about his condition as I have lost contact with him and the people around him for years. I have not even read his blog for two years. Somehow, news of him just came to me. Somehow, my sixth sense towards him is still strong which puzzles and scares me at the same time. The spiritual bond just cannot be broken no matter how much I have stayed away from him. Why is that so? I have tried too hard to break it at the point of hurtng myself. Now, I try to approach it differently. I know he is sick. I have written two emails; one to show my concern and the other for reconciliation. I am not sure how he sees it. I think he may think I am trying to be funny or get close to him. I guess I have done my part. I have tried to correct what I have done wrong. If he still sees me that way, I have nothing more to say. In fact, he should know me better than anyone as he knows things about me which others don't. At this point of time, I only hope to reconcile with him. Whatever it is, I have told him I will be there for him and I mean it. We don't have to be lovers to be there for each other. I think sincerity is all it matters. He can continue to choose to ignore me. For me, I have offered to be there. All I know is I care for him.

I think I used to care too much about the gossips around us that it made it so difficult for us to reconcile. I did try but the women around him stopped it. They said unpleasant things to keep me away from him. I am very poor in playing politics. If I have known how to play such games, I would have got his favour. But, I simply can't. So, I backed off. I really regret giving him cold shoulder. He had even come near me in front of them. He did not mind. It's not like it is sinful for us to talk in front of others. Why did I mind so much? I avoided the gossips at the expense of his feelings. I have never meant harm towards him. I have tried all ways to protect him. Sometimes, I was deliberately harsh towards him and even disappeared altogether so that he could spend time peacefully with his friends, supporters and loved ones and served others with more focus. I know he cared for me. I did not want to be his burden which was why I left the place, causing more people to misunderstand me. I couldn't be bothered.

I wonder if I have done the right thing in the name of protecting him. Why should I care what they said? I have a clear conscience. Whenever I care for him, I care as a person. I sincerely care. I have never thought of getting anything out of him. As long as he is happy, I am happy. Maybe, I have done the right thing leaving him from the fact that he is very close to his supporters and friends now. He has got all the support and attention that he needs. I think that is more than enough to keep him going through his illness. My presence and care may be redundant. Maybe, my disappearance will give him more peace to spend time with his supporters, friends and loved ones. Should I disappear again until he is gone? I am still contemplating on it. Maybe, my role is just to pray for him in silence out of his life. Most probably, this relationship has always been one sided and wishful on my part. Just take it as I am thick-skinned like how he had scolded me before. I am cheap to offer to be available for him and care.

One thing about us is we have never managed to talk to each other nicely, not to even mention about eating together. It is such simple thing to do and yet it is impossible between us. I have wondered why God put us into each other's life to create hell for each other as if our lives are not hell enough. I did try very hard to avoid him when I first knew he was approaching me as my sixth sense had told me so. In the end, he managed to talk to me. I am not sure how much time he has here. Maybe, weeks, months or even years. I know for sure, he will ignore me forever. Maybe, to him, I am still a bad woman who has ulterior motives or hidden agendas in whatever I do. Maybe, I have hurt him too much. Maybe, he just wants me out of his life. I don't know. He has never ever spoken up for me . He has never even bothered to talk to me. I think I have run away long enough. I am tired. I have already sent him two emails. Now, it is up to him if he wants to reconcile with me. For the past few years, I only kept him in my prayers and never went to him as I know that he was well taken care of and was happy with him life and healthy. I guess with his illness now, more people will flock to him to give him the support and care to keep him going. He is very well liked. People will take turn to take care of him and help him in whatever ways they can. They will protect him even more. I think he will also spend more time on them and continue to do his work. Who am I to him? I think my care is not needed. I offer him my help and care are still available to him. If he takes them as trash, so be it as long as he is well taken care of and is happy.

I am not as holy as him. He can take it easy. I cannot. My heart is filled with sadness not for myself but for him. I feel guilty towards him that I have not treated him well enough when he gave me the chance. Now, he has given me a death penalty. I deserve it. This is the price I have to pay and I have been paying it. Most probably, if he is in heaven in the future, I have to go to hell. With our state like that, how could we ever meet in heaven? The thought of him suffering pains me. Maybe, I have been going through poor health and used to be in and out of the hospitals which is why I may understand how painful, lonely, isolated, worrying or even unbearable it can at times. After all, we are all human with flesh and blood and feelings. One thing for sure is he has got very strong support from his friends, supporters and loved ones other than his faith. He is never lack of people to turn to. That is why I have never understood why he used to mention that he needed hugs and he was lonely in the house as if nobody cared for him. Whenever he is back, he always flocks to them and vice versa. I shouldn't be so silly to get worried and even to offer my help or support. Anyway, what can I do for him as long as I don't screw his life up?

I think I have to learn to live with regrets. I have to force myself to swallow it. There is nothing I can do since he has given me death penalty. I have to continue paying the price for carrying the burdens. Hopefully, it won't turn into complex grief again. Of course, I am not cursing him. But, he will have to go one day. Meanwhile, I am praying for him to have the strength, grace and wisdom to overcome his illness. Since we will never see each other, I think the next time when I see him will be during the funeral wake which is going to hit me real hard. It's going to be a lonely and painful path with no support from church. As usual, have to bottle up everything and try to cope with God. With him still around, I would not expect him to do anything for me since he is too preoccupied with coping with his illness, spending more time with his friends, supporters and loved ones, reaching out to others or even busy with what gifts he wants to give as legacy to his supporters, friends and loved ones. His time is much too precious to even take a glance at me. I am already in his trash bin. I also have got no choice why my heart feels so painful and sad. I can only try as much as I can to hang on to God alone. This Lent is very dark. I cannot see light as of now. The scourges hit me real hard and it is bleeding inside. But, I am trying hard. I still give thanks to God for the every breath that I have. I thank God I can still breathe each day. I am thankful that I am still healthy. I am thankful God blesses me with the friendships and relationships that I have and used to have.

I have gone back to church. I would not think that I would see him there as it is too far away from him. Anyway, he has been seeing his supporters and friends outside my parish. I really need the Eucharist. I am trying to function normally though my body is giving way. My body is useless. When grief and pain hit, my body will react strongly through some weird symptoms to disrupt my life. Good time to go on diet with only one proper meal day so far. Try to eat beyond that my food ends up in the toilet. I don't see him at all. So, my imagination tortures me with how he is suffering. I can't help worrying for him. I can't help it that I care for him though I have FORCED myself not to. I try to keep myself very busy to forget about it. But, I have failed. Strangely, if I go through it with him and see him, it will be better for me as I can see for myself how he really is. I realize that when I went through difficult times with him a few years ago, I felt stronger and my faith stretched to be stronger and deeper. My spiritual writing became richer. I have been missing him as my friend. But, I continued to cut myself off from him. I think God and his supporters, friends and loved ones will forbid me to see him. He, himself, will not want to see me. I continue to let this missing to eat me up inside. Hopefully, I will be healed one day. My ideal picture would be to reconcile with him and we talk to each other over a good meal. As usual, it is my wishful thinking. How would he want to waste his time on me? Would you want to take rubbish back from trash bin to look at it?

A lot is going on beneath me. Let it bleed till it's dry one day. I am still trying to function well. Maybe, should start exercising in the morning. I will go back to the usual place where we used to jog for jogging in the morning tomorrow. I am not sure if he ever visits my blog. I think that place is too far from him. If he intends to go but does not want to see me, he better stay away. I will do whatever makes him happy. As long as he is happy, I am happy.

Bleeding,
Elena

Darkest Lent. How long can I go on in my current state?

Each waking hour has become very painful, full of cries. Everything surfaces to my conscious level. Since last Sunday, I survive on one dinner and some drinks. I am trying very hard. I force myself to eat but my stomach is not responding well to the food and drinks I try to sustain myself. I am not suffering from any physical disease. I am suffering from spiritual and emotional disease. I am very stuck. I am lost, confused, helpless, sad, lonely, etc....I am still trying very hard. I cannot be like his other friends and supporters who have support from one another. I am travelling this painful road to nowhere alone. I cannot share with them as they will most probably spread rumours about me or hurt me further. To them, it's like I cannot care for him sincerely but must always have motives and only they are sincerely concerned about him. I really feel like ending it all. I really feel like giving up. Getting out of the house this morning was very tough. My health is going downhill fast. Have been having sleepless nights. I try very hard to sleep but I just can't. Had a long chat with God last night as I was feeling very sick with cold, fever, stomach problem and body ache. I am pleading God to help me. Nobody understands me but Him. He is my only confidante for the past few years. I am trying to hang on. I am trying very hard.

What I can't control is what is within my heart. During every waking hour, my mind is full of his illness. I try to distract myself by watching DVDs yesterday. But, it fails. Tears came back. I am scared. I am sad. I am stuck. For other sickly friends, I am free to visit them. I will feel much better visiting them. For him, I am forbidden. It's like I am always a great sinner who am not worthy to go near him. It's this sense of isolation. I have sent him two emails so far. Obviously, no replies. I just want to reconcile with him before either he or I leave this world as we will never know who will leave next and when. I can't function properly at work. It's all screwed up.

I know I will never see him again and he will never want to see me. I want to care for him but I cannot. I have to swallow everything inside. Other people can care for him directly. Can visit him freely. Can spend their time with him. Why am I forbidden? It's not as if everyone who goes to him does not have motives. Why am I so stupid to care for someone who has forgotten me? Why am I such a moron to care for someone who doesn't care a damn thing about me? My care and existence to him are redundant. Why does his illness affect me so much? What business has that got to do with me? We have not kept in touch for years. Why does it affect me so much then? He has so many people flocking to him to shower him with attention and love. He is coping well, I guess. Who am I to care? Why can't I just mind my own business? If he doesn't want to reconcile with me, what is the big deal? Why am I so affected? Why is he so important to me? I have never asked him to be my lover. I have always regarded him as a dear friend but I just keep it to myself. I have been missing him and wondering how he has been going on. And yet, I have to keep them to myself. During those years I have not contacted him, I only pray for him. I didn't contact him or read anything he wrote online.  I have tried my best staying away from him. I even left the church completely as I have the tendency to bump into him no matter where I went. I even stopped going to the place for jogging. I know that he would come back at times to visit his supporters, friends and loved ones. God knows I have been trying too hard. I have been forcing myself to do those things for the past few years. It has been painful. But, I think it was worthy as he was doing very well overseas and he has a strong network of supporters and friends and loved ones caring for him. He is never lack of support and love and is popular. All I wanted was for him to complete his studies and come back to serve others happily. I just want him to be happy, especially with my disappearance from his life.

The pain cuts deeper and escalates with him having such serious disease. As usual, other people can flock to him and care for him. I have to swallow every feeling and pain. I don't enjoy caring for him indirectly. He ever scolded me for that. He wanted me to care for him directly. Why do things turn out to be so bad between us? If time can reverse, I would choose to care for him directly without caring about the gossips and rumours around us. I cared too much about that instead of his feelings. I feel so guilty for pushing him away many times before. Anyway, we used to care for each other sincerely. He did try to come near me in front of everyone. He did not care how people saw us. I was the person who cared about how people would gossip about us if he came close. I ever asked him to appear in that place where we used to jog if he did not want me to forget him. When he appeared, I ignored him and I was aware he got very upset. I shouldn't have ignored him. When he happened to see me emoing at the staircase as he drove by, he advised me through his big group sharing not to give up. Why did I stop him from caring for me? There is nothing wrong in caring for each other. Our words and actions did not sin at all. Why was I so scared that I kept giving him cold shoulder and harsh to him? I knew that he wanted to go for a lunchtime mass in town before he left for his studies. I tried to stop him. Whenever he left us, I acted cool like I did not care when I care so much. Before he left our parish, he was obviously loitering around me on that night. I chose to ignore. I even scolded him for appearing in places where I appeared. Feelings of liking is not wrong. But, we have never engaged into any sinful activities or words. Why was I so cold and harsh towards him? If I know he is going to get this illness, I would not have treated him that way. It's too late now. I have to live with regrets forever. This is the second time I am having such regrets. The first one was with 'mummy' where it took me eight years to overcome the remorse and I only knew the truth of her not giving up on me and loving me after her death which added more remorse. Why am I such an idiot?

He will never reconcile with me. It's too late. I have to pay the price. I have to swallow everything. I can't even care for him directly. I can't even visit him. I can't even contact him. Whenever he left for some reasons, I simply acted cool and pretended not to care so that he would leave at ease but I felt very painful inside. With his illness, I am not sure when he will be gone forever. I am not even allowed to visit him, see him or contact him. I rather be there for him to go through thick and thin with him regardless of how much change he would go through than running away or being kept away from going through the pain with him. I rather he scolds me, vent his frustration on me, cries with me, slams the door behind me, etc. whenever he is in too much pain as long as he is comfortable. The fact is that I can never hear his voice, see him again. I know God will take good care of him. I am a human with feelings afterall. Yes, I depend on God to take care of him but I really care as a friend. I hope to see how he is getting on. I want to care for him. I want to give him a big hug as a sister. I want to talk to him. I no longer care a damn thing about how people gossip or hurt me as long as God gives me a chance to see him. I know it will never happen. That is the price I have to pay for being harsh, cold and pushing him away many times. The fact that I can't see him makes situation worse for me. I worry more though I know God is taking care of him. I think alot.

I am forcing myself to function normally at work. I am forcing myself to eat.... I am forcing myself to accept the fact that I can never see him. I am forcing myself to accept that we will never reconcile. I am forcing myself to accept that I can never care for him directly. I am forcing myself to accept that we will never ever sit down and eat together. I am forcing myself....I am forcing myself...I am forcing myself....I don't know how long I can continue this way. I am trying very hard to leave him with his friends, loved ones and supporters till he leaves this world. It may be weeks, months or even years. Only God knows how hard I have tried. It affects my studies online. I simply can't focus. This is the price I have to pay. How long? How much? Even with my life? I am trying very hard to keep things under control. Why am I so sensitive? I can't help it that I care alot for him. I don't need to be a lover, a spouse to care. I really care as a person. He has grown through hell with me for years. I have seen how much he has grown and changed. He even went through thick and thin with me before. I treasure those moments. All I want now is to be there for him but I can't.

I am stuck. Nowhere to turn to. No one to turn to. I need a big hug. I am hanging on to the little faith I have. God knows how long I can hang on. I am trying very hard. I am forcing myself.....

With indescribable pain & suffering,
Elena

Miserable Hell

Damn tired now as I could not sleep for the whole night. Just got  news that one of my loved ones has cancer  He is going through treatment. In fact, we have never contacted since he was overseas. I am not sure why I get so affected. I cried the whole night even till today. Silly, right? I know. Can't really eat since last night. What the hell! He has already forgotten me. Why would I want to get so upset? He has so many people flocking to him to shower him with attention and help him. Who am I? Anyway, I sent him an email to encourage him out of concern. As usual, he will never reply. I guess I am really out of his life. When my friend broke the news to me yesterday, my face turned pale immediately and she got scared. I also do not know why I had that reaction. Before that, I have been having feeling that something was happening to him which was why I freaked out when my friend broke the news to me. My loved one and I have not contacted each other for years. Why do I still have such sixth sense towards him? I am scared. 

I guess we will never ever meet again. I am already out of church.I think the next time I see him will be during his funeral wake. We will never get together and talk nicely to each other and have meal together. I am scared. History is repeating itself. After I had left 'mummy' alone for two years, she just left the world suddenly leaving me with no chance to talk to her again and not even had one meal together. It's happening again. I am scared. But, I think he can't be bothered with me. His priority would be those people whom he has invited to visit him. To him, I am out of that group as usual. I am very sad to receive the news of his cancer. I am scared he would be gone at anytime. I can never finish his walk with him as he has so many people walking with him that he can't be bothered with me. Like 'mummy''s case, I did not have a chance to walk with her too. After her death, I realized she cared for me and had never given up on me. For this loved one's case, I think I should be right that he doesn't care anymore. That means I have lost him. 

I have left the church and do not really contact anyone. The only person I contact is my youth. She suddenly asked me out and broke the news to me. I am thinking what God's purpose is in informing me. What can I do? All his friends and fans can go to him and care for him openly. I am the only person who have to care quietly  in a corner. Why torture me in that way?  Might as well let me know after he has gone. Anyway, there is no way that he will want to see me, have meal with me or talk to me at all. Why add such misery to my life? Yes, I am sad over someone who does not care. Why make me a fool once again? It's painful. Though he has forgotten me, it pains me to know that he is going through chemotherapy. He has been puking. He cares about his appearance alot but now,  he has to see how his appearance changes with the side effect. I feel sad for him. I really do not want to see how a muscular and fit him turning into a skinny person beyond recognition. I had been through that with 'mummy'. Why such hell many years after that? 

I really want to walk with him openly no matter how scary, horrible, terrible it is going to be rather than caring secretly. I rather go through it all with him than being protected from being hurt. But, I can't. I can't even see him or go near him. Why such things always happen to me? Am I really such a heavy sinner? In 'mummy''s case, other students and teachers who were not close to her managed to walk with her and see her for the last time. For me who was like a daughter, I was kept in the dark until she died. Then, everyone started to look for me frantically. Why such thing is happening again? Other fans and friends can walk with him and care for him directly but I have to do it in the dark. I feel miserable  I sincerely care. At this stage, what ulterior motives can I have on him? He is dear to me. I did not know how dear he is to me until I kept crying for the whole night till today. I cannot function properly at work. I know once he is gone, he is gone. He is such a talented and kind person who has been changing for the better. He can reach out to much more people than me. Why him? Why not me? I rather suffer than seeing him suffer. If I don't see him, I imagine worse. But, I also don't want to disturb his rest. 

For the past few years, I tried my best not to go to places where he went, got out of certain community and even stopped reading what he wrote online. I even work in the West to avoid bumping into him when he comes back from his studies. I knew nothing about him during those years. I thought everything went well and over. I did not care a damn thing about how the community misunderstood me as long as I am no longer his distraction and he was doing well overseas and came back to serve. Who knows he gets cancer suddenly? Since I am forbidden to journey with him openly, why bother to inform me? 

I want to talk to him very much, care for him directly, have a meal with him but I can never do so. He doesn't have to be my lover to do that. Can always be friends. I feel hopeless. I really hope to have happy memories with him before he is gone. Why such critical illnesses always have to strike people I love deeply? Why not me? I am just an administrative staff without much contribution to society. Why not me? When they suffer, I feel tremendous pain inside. When they stop me from seeing them suffering, I feel worse. 

All I want is to see him joyful and strong again. How I wish I can be there for him. He can scold me, vent his frustration on me if it is too painful, shout at me, slam the door behind me, etc. He used to complain that I did not care for him directly. I have learnt my lesson. I want to care for him directly now. I just want him to feel loved and comfortable. I am scared I can never see his smile again. I know I may be affected by his appearance but I don't mind. I can take it. I want to see him. I have been missing him as my friend. Do you know how terrible it is inside to miss a dear friend?  I really want to ask him directly from my mouth how he is feeling now. I want to give him a big hug to tell him everything is alright and we are here for him. Other people can do it but I can't. Why? Why? Why? Why because of gossipers? 

I really do not know why God wants me to know about his illness. Torture me? Making me a fool who cares secretly? I am stuck just like how I got stuck in 'mummy''s case. What I dread most is repeating. Am I going to take another 8 years to overcome it? Am I a curse to those who are dear to me have to suffer so much before they go? Then, I better not love anyone again. 

I really pray hard for him and me to have breakthrough. Hope we could at least talk before he leaves me. Of course, I hope he gets healed. However, this is God's will. I can only lift him up to God according to the Divine Plan. I pray for more time to see him, spend time with him, to go through thick and thin with him. I have been running for too long. I really hope to have some time with this dear friend before he disappears from my life. Will I have a chance?

With heavy heart,

Elena