My Angel Whom I Miss Alot

It has been a very tiring week. With my ankle trying to recover from the procedures, I find it very challenging to travel to and fro between workplace and home. Getting up the buses or standing for more than 15mins are really challenging. It is a killer to be sardine packed crowd pushing around. I am starting to hurt my good leg as I put all my weight on it. I got very frustrated at times, especially during rainy days when walking on the slippery road became increasingly difficult. I asked God if my life is not tough enough and He has to make it even tougher even in my daily routine. Somehow, there was one day when a young man with disability was limping right in front of me. I looked at him and told myself my inconvenience is only short term but his is lifetime. I should count my blessings that I could still go for treatment but he has to live with his disability for life. I am trying very hard to be more patient. Each trip to the office is bus-circle line train-east west line train- bus. My ankle has been swelling and in pain each day after all the travelling and I wonder if I had made a wrong decision to go for $8K treatment with more ongoing treatment. I am not sure if my ankle can be healed. My low pay cannot afford to pay for cab fares daily.

I am totally depending on my faith. I am trying to claim from both private and company insurance plans to return my friend $10K for my ankle treatment. I am really uncomfortable with borrowing money from a friend who is not close to me and yet I accepted it as it has been God’s will for me to treat my 2-3year chronic ankle condition with broken bones and fluid accumulating inside. If I don’t treat it, I may hurt the other leg with prolonged dependence on it. My flat may be coming at the beginning or middle of next year. I have to speed up my savings for renovation costs and items for my new house. This new house is my only way to get out of my misery. It’s either I swim or sink by myself. I have to fight my way out of this vicious cycle.  I know if I continue my current life as it is now, it won’t be long before it ends prematurely. I am slowly losing my grip from the edge of the cliff. Now, I am looking at various options for my renovation costs and items for my new house. I have been having the fun of going around discussing design with interior designers. I visited the 1^st one on last Saturday. He had quoted me $16K+ for a 36sqm 2 room bto flat unit. Wow, that was steep, man.  I will be visiting one other designer today and another one tomorrow and yet another one on 9 November 2016. I know very clearly what I want for my flat. I like all white, clean minimalist look. The whole room will be built with platform. I am not sure how I can go about getting enough money and support to build a new home. I am depending on God to guide and provide for me while I try to scrimp and save with my bit of saving plan from my insurance. Of course, early withdrawal of $ from my saving plan means I have to forgo the benefits wince they are not due yet. Once I move out, I am totally on my own. It’s a new stage of my life.

It seems that people around have been down with serious diseases recently. A few of them almost lost their lives. Once again, God is getting me to slow down and question about mortality. It pains me whenever I see my friends suffering or crying over the condition of their loved ones. I know I am not perfect. I am trying as much as I can to be there. Most of the time, I allow them to cry and talk about matters from their hearts. In fact, I am privileged that they have chosen to trust and confide in me. Because of their deep sharing, my life is enriched and I can help others with similar situations. Diseases are not scary. It is the disconnection from people that is scary. The yoke is easier to carry when we are all in it together no matter what we face.  Yes, we cannot take over their diseases but we can help support these people through our presence, kind words and caring actions. It is such togetherness that helps everyone easier to carry any burdens and brave through challenges in life.

Personally, it is a torture to me when my loved ones with diseases leave me just because they think by leaving me, they will not be my burdens. What I want to say is it is definitely not true. I get very angry and tortured whenever anyone does that to me. My mummy did that to me and my grief became a complicating one and I had to go through a professional counseling after 8 years of her death. It was devastating and affected my relationships with people, especially people who are dear to me, as the pain and regrets were too difficult to be endured. Three years ago, another loved one drove me out of his hospital room and created an email account to ask me to get out of his life. I played along and replied him as if he were a third person to make him feel better.  When I read his blog entry the next day, he mentioned he had just lost an angel. I knew who he was referring to.  That was the last time I read his blog. If he thought out of sight, out of mind. Then, I think he is wrong. It was very immature of his faith level to think that. I think he missed the whole point of being a Christian. It gave me a lot of heart break. He is still in my heart till now. I often ask God how he is getting on. It is never easy to miss someone who is still around and yet you cannot see him. If he were to be gone now, I know my grief is going to be complex again because there is a lot of unspoken words, unexpressed feelings. We have never had a chance to really talk to each other. They thought they were protecting me from pain and did not want to burden me. They were absolutely wrong.  I am very frustrated and feel painful why they were playing God. Why did they belittle my strength and ability to go through thick and thin with them? Why did they deprive my opportunities given by God to walk through it all with them? Why did they play God? What makes them think that I am better off without them?  Yes, going through it all with them may be tough and painful to see them suffer. But it is more painful and miserable that they broke the relationships just like that assuming that I would forget them. Have they ever respected my decision and view? I am not a computer. When you cut me off, will my brain and heart will be reset, forgetting about our bonds? Hello, I am a human with flesh and blood. I cannot be reset just like that.

After 3 years, I am led to the photos of my loved one while searching for some information on an old priest whom I respect and miss. It pains me to see him ageing much and some marks on his skin. He must have gone through a lot. I am happy he is healthy and joyful now. Leaving him is worthwhile though I am suffering alone outside. He has gone back to the church which I had left. Somehow, when I read about a brief introduction of him on a website, I was touched when he mentioned he would try his best to be sincere in his vocation. When I happened to see his Facebook page, he commented he was not looking on the number of ‘like’ for his post but he wanted his blog entries to have positive impact on others’ lives. I am proud of him. In fact, I cried with tears as I finally see his change.  

Some friends asked me why I don’t look for him since I still care for him and miss him. My answer is if he is happy without me in his life, I will just stay out of his life as long as this is what he wants.  It is fine to disregard my feelings. I don’t deny that my life is better with him in my life since he used to be able to connect with me and went through my tough time with me. Those are my happy and rich moments of my life. For me, as my thinking style was proven by a professional coach from my previous church to be different from most people, it is difficult for me to connect with the others generally. I can say that he is weird enough to be able to connect deeply with me and other people also commented that before. That made him even more important in my life. I was very happy when we grew together. Yes, there were slamming of door, shouting at me, hurtful words, accusation in the public with a few people against me, etc.   There were also quiet support, comforting and encouraging me through his talks, pulling a chair to come near me showing others he accepted me despite the risks of offending his fans, assuring me that it was alright to be a horrible cook as a spouse and the other party would still eat the food, singing his feelings to me, showing me looks of concern when I had very tough times, looking at me with appreciation, pacing near me when I was sick, etc.  Though my life was very tough, it seemed to be easier to carry with him around. He always knew what to say to guide me. He understood and managed to connect with me though we are from totally different backgrounds and status. He even stooped down to my level and claimed that he was ugly.  When he appeared in the stadium happily after I had mentioned if he wanted to be friend with me and he would indicate it by appearing in the stadium, I was very happy to see him. He was my angel. I know I had hurt him a lot and there is no turning back. I know my hardship and misery are easier to carry with him around but I don’t intend to disrupt his life since he is doing well and happy with his loved ones and friends and vocation. I will only see him if he allows me to and if God allows. If he looks for me, I will reconcile with him and treasure him as God’s gift. If not, I can only quietly pray for him and continue to stay out braving through tough times alone until I can no longer bear.  

If you ask me what I will do if I start all over with him again, I will love and treasure him even more. It is fine if we cannot be husband and wife. We can always be soul mates and work together to serve the community.  I don’t mind about his disease at all. When he knew about my health condition and dark sins, he did not abandon me and showed me he accepted me. Why should I leave him just because of his disease? Anyway, everyone will fall sick and die and one day. Why don’t we live life to the fullest with the people we love?  I am not afraid of hardship as long as we are all in it together. No matter what, I will continue to pray for him and give him all my blessings. After all these years, he is still in my heart. 

With Love,

Elena

Reflection & Rumination on My Left Ankle Condition

God has His way of grounding me. Here I am, 2 weeks MC & 2 weeks working from home as it is impossible for me to go to my office which needs me to travel from East to West.  No way can I squeeze into sardine packed buses & trains with my ‘robocop’ shoe. I also cannot afford to spend $40+ cab fares daily just for work. After explaining to my boss about my situation, she finally allowed me to have MC for2 weeks & work from home for 2 weeks since it takes 3 weeks for me to heal. I really miss the Saturday mornings when I could brisk walk. Because of my left ankle, I cannot exercise at all. I have missed it for a few years. At first, I thought it was only inflammation of ankle or torn ligament. MRI result finally showed I have broken bones and damaged cartilage with fluid accumulating in that area. Win liao lo. I have to be grounded. That was worse than I thought. God works in a mysterious ways. I can never outbeat God. I have never thought of spending money on my ankle or even check on it. I went to my company doctor for some stroke like symptoms. In the end, I was diagnosed with panic attacks. The best way to reduce my stress is to exercise. I told him I could not as I have an ankle condition. He asked me to go for ankle check and treatment so that I can start exercising to curb my stress level and stop all these panic attacks. He told me I better get it done fast as my body was sending me signals that I was breaking down. I deduced that that was God’s way to ‘force’ me to get my ankle treated before I face greater issues.

I have never gone through such ankle procedures at all. I have got 2 options: one for non-surgical procedures which consist of Extracorporeal Shock Wave Therapy and Platelet Rich Plasma treatment while the other conventional operation. To me, they are equally scary. I am not sure what I will be expected to face for both options. I’d rather go for non-surgical procedures. Extracorporeal Shock Wave Therapy is using highly focused high and low energy to aim at my injured area and blast the bones to stimulate growth when I am sedated. I asked him how pain it is going. He told me the patients told him to imagine a small man getting into your injured area to hammer your bones. If I don’t go sedated, I cannot take the pain. As my case is more serious, I also have to go through platelet rich plasma treatment where my blood will be extracted for my platelets to be separated from my blood. Some substance or medicine will be mixed with my platelet and the mixture will spin in a machine for 8 minutes before injecting into my blasted area after the Extracorporeal Shock Wave Therapy. This non-surgical procedure pushes my body to heal my injury. I am not sure if it will fail or not since the chance is 70% success rate. I really hope that my body will pull itself together to work hard for recovery. If not, I have to go through a few more times of blasting. The last resort is to go for operation. I am praying for miracle.

Surgical procedure is worse to me. The surgeon will operate on 3 sites. The 1^st site is my knee where a piece of bone will be taken out and put into my injured area where the broken bones will be taken out and a screw will be placed in my ankle to secure the injured site. Then, the 3^rd site on my ankle where the inflamed tissue is opened and all inflamed tissue will be removed. Win liao lo. I am not a toy leh. Suka suka open here and there. I feel like telling my effeminate surgeon why not I operate on him to have a feel of how it is like to be a pig on the chopping board waiting to be slaughtered, My friend who went through knee operations told me she did not feel pain from the surgical sites after awhile but felt pain from her hip where that piece of bone was removed to be put into her injured knees!!  That sounds like getting from one hell only to get into another.

Guess which one I chose. Of course, the former la. I went through the procedure last week.  I stayed at Gleneagles hospital for one night. The hospitalization fee is steep. All in all, $8K. Haha. I am in debts liao. The hospital screwed up my bills and insurance claims procedure and forced me to cough out $8K around $8k before releasing me. I am very blessed during this period of time. Frankly speaking, I am very grateful to have a few friends helping me. Difficult people like me hardly have friends and yet God has sent a few people to help me. One of my friends lends me $10K. I think I have to be her maid to repay her all the money.  I have told her honestly I may not be able to return her the money due to certain circumstances. I asked her if she was sure if she still wanted to lend me that amount which is small to her based on her status but not a small sum in general. She gave me a firm ‘yes’ and even told me if she has volunteered to lend me the money, she would have expected not to get it back. I was very touched. My other friends came to the hospital to see me while one of them even fetched from the hospital to home as my close friend was suddenly down with fever.  Others sent me messages to wish me well and follow up with me. Lol

I picked the non-surgical procedure which consists of Extracorporeal Shock Wave Therapy and Platelet Rich Plasma treatment. As my specialist has not really treated such chronic and severe condition as mine during his 8 years of studying and practicing such procedure, he has preempted me I may need to go through another Extracorporeal Shock Wave Therapy session in his clinic if my result is not ideal. But, this time, without sedation with his less powerful machine. That would mean I have to endure the pain during the session. I am praying very hard for my ankle to heal well so that I don’t have to go through the pain and save cost. My first round of that session in Gleneagles hospital used a much more powerful machine with higher focus meant for blasting kidney stones. I was deeply sedated for that more powerful and accurate blasting of my bones. God was kind that I did not endure much pain after that. But, I am suffering from side effects. My blasted area is inflamed and there are a few sore and raw rashes. I am quite amazed by the technology. They blasted my injured area through the other side of my ankle instead of directly at my injured area. So both sides of my left ankle are injured now. Platelet Rich Plasma treatment is more painful as I needed to have the local anesthetic injected into my inflamed area. It was so painful that I could hardly endure it but I kept really quiet when my specialist asked me if it was painful. The more painful it is, the quieter I am. That is how I endure pain in general. I don’t scream. Lol. Then, he injected the mixture of my platelet and medicine deeper into my inflamed area. After that LA wore off, my nightmare began. The pain was really hell for me. No matter what, I am glad I have gone through it. At least, I am more fortunate than many people who are disabled in some ways.  My inconvenience is short term.  I have better understanding of people who are not mobile in any ways. I wonder how they manage such pain and inconvenience. I should not complain about my condition. I should count my blessings that my condition can still be treated though I am not sure if I belong to one of the 2/3 successful cases. I really hope my case will be successful as my specialist can use the same methods to treat other similar cases without these future patients having to go through the knife. He may even use my case in his future conferences if needed. To me, no pain, no gain. I am praying for a breakthrough. I am praying for miracles where all my medical costs can be covered by my insurance plans and my ankle to heal well as I was down with bronchitis before and during the treatment. Such procedures are meant to push my body to heal my ankle. I started with the procedures in a bad shape. Now, it is really by faith, not by sight. If my ankle fails to heal, I will live with the pain and broken bones for the rest of my life. At least, I have tried. I want to embrace my new life with recovered ankle as my new flat is coming earlier than expected. Another set of financial issues. I guess I need miracles for that as well.

One lesson I have learnt is whether surgical or non-surgical procedures, they are targeting at the same injured condition. It goes the same to our sins or brokenness. All of us have our own brokenness or sins. There are many methods and even sacraments available for healing. Going for confession is one of them. Yes, we may confess to God directly. Why go through a priest? I am not saying that going to God directly does not work. By all means, go ahead if you are comfortable with it. I am doing that as well. To me, I am a human. When I go to a priest for confession during the Sacrament of Reconciliation, firstly, I have to be humble and truthful to myself that I have these sins and acknowledge them. Then, I muster my courage to open myself up to another person and confess my sins to him. In this case, God is in human form through a priest. If I can open myself in that way, the sins or brokenness no longer have the power over me since I have taken control of them by first acknowledging them and bring them to the light. What I find therapeutic about the Sacrament of Reconciliation is I listen for myself that my sins are absolved and God has forgiven me through his vessel which is the priest’s mouth in this case. A priest is just a God’s instrument to absolve our sins and forgive us. He is not God.

Some sins or brokenness may be more serious which may require professional help. Seeing art therapists, psychiatrists or psychologists help in some cases. There are no such cases of one method fits all. Everyone and conditions are different. No matter what, nobody can travel life journey alone. From my ankle incident, I am blessed to have some people who support or help me in different ways. Some have offered to give me financial support. My specialist is trying his best to help me even beyond his scope. He is not just well known for his area of specialty but to me, he is a doctor of heart. He understands the issues I am facing and he has gone out of his ways to help me. All doctors have similar skills. Other than the level of skills, what makes a doctor stands out is a doctor who treats not just the conditions but also the patients’ hearts.  As a patient, every little gesture and support mean and help a lot. I do not get much help from my insurance brokers. Very frustrating. I have friends who bothered to meet me during their weekends to sit down and discuss things with me. They even engaged their other friends and relatives to get more information for me so that I will a clearer picture of how I should get my claims. Frankly speaking, as a patient, you are already scared of all these unknown treatments that you will be going through. You are left with little energy to get frustrated with professionals who are supposed to help but not helping. This incident has taught me who are friends and who are not.

This applies to life in general. We have our brokenness, ‘injuries’ or sins in our lives. We can never handle them alone. We need to journey with the others in our life journey. Joy is doubled and sorrow is halved when shared. I strongly believe in Love only multiplies when shared. Most of us are living in a world as if God does not exist though we may go to church on every Sunday or even serve in church.  When we are back to our community, be it families, workplaces or anywhere outside church, we leave God in that church building until the next time we go back to God in the church. We become self centred. It becomes fighting over status, resources, money, popularity, etc. Though we have God, we have reduced ourselves to a bestial level which we have made the world an animal eating animal world. The most upset thing is some people, even Christians, around me think that everyone in the world is self centred. I was shocked when they asked me, “What is wrong to be self-centered?”  My question is if everyone goes and die, you want to go as well? It’s because of such mentality many people are suffering from spiritual poverty. By right, according to that self-centered mentality, we are better off than before but why does suicide rate keeps going up?  If it is the right way, people should not kill themselves. More and more people are dying alone at home and some are dead for a few days before they are discovered. If it is right, shouldn’t we rejoice over such incidents? Come on, ask yourself, “Will I look forward to having my life ending in that way? Will I celebrate it if my life or the loved ones were to end in that manner?” Yes, from the self-centered approach towards life, we are heading that way. Think carefully why we want to get married. Why do we need friends? Why do we need approval or attention of others?  Think a deeper level. Why?

My environment is very harsh no matter where I go. I have got no sanctuary to go to where I find peace or loving environment. I fend for myself most of the time. It is very tiring and depressing to face corporate world 24/7 in both my work and personal lives. Many friends think that I have a good life. Little do they know how bad my inner state is now.  I don’t like to show the whole world how pitiful I am with a sad or depressed face. The world won’t stop for you. It’s either you move or lag behind. I am working very hard to move forward. Deep in me, I know I cannot hang on for long at the rate I go. That is why I have decided to get my own flat and start anew. I need to have a breakthrough in life. I really need a loving environment to rest after facing harsh and cold corporate world during most of my working hours almost daily. I want a home where I can have laughter with my loved ones and friends, where there is no self centredness and inconsiderate behavior and hurtful words, where I feel safe and peaceful to rest well. It is going to be tough to support my new flat as a single since I cannot afford to be unemployed and yet the economy nowadays is volatile. The flat does not just fall from the sky. I have to fight for it. If I lose my job, there is nobody I can fall back on. I believe I have to work hard for a better life. It also means I still have to work if I fall sick. I have to be independent looking after myself even if I am sick. No point lamenting over what I don’t have. At least, I am still healthy enough to work.  If one job is not enough, two jobs. If not, three jobs.  I have to find my way out. I am a practical person. I don’t dream of any rich prince charming to save me from my state. I lock all my fairy tales behind the closed door.  To me, if God blesses me with a partner, it is a bonus. I won’t stoop myself to the level of marrying any Tom, Dick or Harry just because age is catching up. A partner to me is a soulmate to grow with. I also won’t accept any forms of abuse or insults to be accepted since I am a child of God. I am prepared to be mocked at as an old maid which some people already do. Anyway, I have learnt not all people who are together love each other and not all who love each other are together. Divorce rate is high as people nowadays do not have the mentality of fixing things when things go wrong but choose to discard things and get new ones. Marriage is no guarantee. Since God has blessed me with my life, I should be responsible for my own life as a steward to manage it which He will take away when the time comes. I don’t believe in whining like a baby. Where there is a will, there is a way. All I can depend on is our heavenly Father.  

With Love, 

Elena