Mirth on Earth as In Heaven

Just went for an interview yesterday. There was a panel of four interviewers for the interview. Hopefully, I can get the job. The nature of the job is more outgoing which suits me more. I was quite happy when they told me I will be required to travel overseas at times and they would not expect me to have family commitment and further studies if I were to be hired. I really hope I can get such job as I feel I am more at ease with such nature of job which requires me to travel overseas and liaise with different people of different cultures. However, I was quite shocked when I was asked to go for a written test which lasted for 15 mins immediately after the interview. I did not expect the test. The test was about writing an essay on how I have handled difficult customer in my work life. The interviewer wished me good luck for my test. I really pray hard to get the job.


I have been reading alot about the Catholic faith and meditating on the Word during this Lent period. One thing that strikes me is about joy. I remember advising a friend as she told me Catholicism focuses alot on suffering and it was rather depressing. She even got the wrong impression that she had to suffer in order to be a good Catholic. Sometimes, she even deliberately caused self inflicted suffering so as to show that she was a good Catholic. I think she has missed the whole point of Catholicism. God has never wanted us to suffer and be depressed or sad so as to be a good Catholic. In fact, it is through the acceptance of the suffering out of one’s free will in Love that one is resurrected in glory like Jesus. The emphasis is more on the acceptance of God’s will and go according to the divine plan rather than the suffering itself which may not be in God’s plan. It is also on loving and accepting as oneself as who he is even if it goes against his own desires and desired self image which are not congruent with God’s plan. God knows the best even beyond our understanding and better than us knowing ourselves for He is the Creator and a loving Father.

Self inflicted suffering comes when we do not accept certain things that happen in our lives and we insist on hanging on to the issues and people to be let go and let God. I remember watching On Call 36 Hours Hong Kong Drama series. I agree that not all healthy people are happy and not all sickly people are unhappy. Of course, it may take some time for us to come to terms with certain conditions such as contracting with terminal diseases, losing loved ones through death, unemployment, etc. Yes, we should acknowledge our feelings of sadness, anger, depression and other negative feelings for a period of time instead of suppressing or denying them. Then, we bring them up to God for God to shed light on those areas asking for God to heal us. Sometimes, if necessary, we may need to be humble enough to get professional help. And, we allow people to walk with us through those difficult times. That is what it means by carrying our crosses. It is not about deliberately looking for suffering and acting like some martyrs to show others that we are carrying our crosses and we look holy.

After we have allowed God to shed light on those areas, God will show us the Way. When one door is closed, another will open. Sometimes, it requires one to be patient as it is in God’s time to answer our prayers. When the door is not opened, you may have knocked on the wrong door. Then, ask God to guide you to the right door. If you insist on the closed door, then you are causing that self inflicted suffering that leads you to misery. From acknowledging our vulnerabilities or issues to waiting for another right door to be opened in God’s time, it entails necessary suffering of waiting in seemingly bleak period of time and space making one feeling like living in ‘purgatory’. Such ‘purgatory’ is necessary for us to make redemptive sacrifices by detaching ourselves from some people, fame, popularity, bad habits and other things that we have been clinging dearly to in our lives so far to purify our souls and therefore, our love from a self centered one to become more and more Christ centered one. This is also what it means by carrying one’s cross.

Ultimately, it will lead to resurrection of oneself through such death to oneself in glory. One can truly enjoy the joy within living according to God’s divine plan for us even if it goes against our desires which we think are the best for ourselves when they are actually not according to God’s plan. Then, why do some of us think that Catholicism is all about suffering and dying which seems like Catholicism is bleak, depressing ? It is due to too much focus on the suffering and the process of it with its negative emotions? The focal point should be on joy with hope in the resurrection after the suffering and death to oneself. We should rejoice to be chosen as children of God who will never be forsaken. Since Jesus has conquered death through his willingness to suffer and die for all of our sins, we should be filled with joy that we have such loving Father who has never abandoned us to sins and death and that Jesus has salvaged us from eternal doom. He has loved us so much that He has sent His Only Son to die for us. Those who are parents will understand the pain of sacrificing their children in any ways. Imagine how ‘painful’ God must have ‘felt’ in ‘seeing’ His Son dying for us out of Love. And yet, He is willing to go through such ‘pain’ of sacrificing His Only Son just because He loves the sinful human beings like us capable of sinning again and again. What have we done to deserve such immense Love? This should fill us deep in joy that we are chosen to be children of God who are capable of sinning again and again that He is still willing to sacrifice His Only Son for all of us. And, we also resurrect with Jesus through death to our sinful selves by making conscious efforts and decisions to die to our sins again and again so that we will not be held captive by the sins leading us to doom but to rise with Jesus in renewed hope. Shouldn’t we be joyful to be able to live each day as God’s gift to us so that we still have the opportunities to fix broken relationships with others and deal with other issues that break us down constantly so that when we leave this world, we will not leave with regrets?

I am reading a book on Between Heaven and Mirth by a Jesuit. It is true that there is humour in the parables. As familiarity breeds contempt, we overlook the humour in the bible. Meditating on certain parts of the Psalms bring us joy. As quoted from the book, Humour is a prelude to faith, and laughter is the beginning of prayer. I always like to laugh at the jokes created by the priests during the homily. There was one occasion when I embarrassed myself by laughing loudly at Fr Paul Goh’s joke and nobody else laughed. Then, I stopped myself from laughing. Fr Paul Goh asked me to laugh heartily as it was meant as a joke and we should laugh with our hearts’ content. And, I continued to laugh. Eucharistic celebration is meant to be a joyful occasion to meet Jesus. Sometimes, I wonder why the whole atmosphere seems to be too solemn as if we were attending a funeral. Of course, we have to participate in it with reverence and yet be joyful. Sometimes, I even saw some people scolding others during the Eucharistic celebration and I have never seen these people smiling in general. I thought people who are loved by God should be joyful. Where has that joy gone to? Does it mean that life’s trials and tribulations are greater than God’s love?

It is healthy to learn to laugh at ourselves at times. By learning to laugh at ourselves, we do not live in constant tension and always carry the gloom on our faces. Sometimes, I like to laugh at my own figure, telling my friend Singapore should thank me for its best airport in the world with such a flat runway like my figure for the planes to take off smoothly. I ever applied for jobs at CAAS. I even joked that they would regret not employing me as they are losing a smooth ‘runway’ like me. My friends would always laugh without fail. Sometimes, I even crack such jokes with my team in times of stress at work so that we would not feel so tensed up under such abusive boss. That is why my supervisor told me she would miss my wacky jokes when I left the organization. Perhaps, that is why one of the Polytechnic lecturers told me he always felt that I was free and I joked with him of course, I was free as I was unemployed. He slapped his forehead and exclaimed when he mentioned I was free, he meant I was free spirited. By learning to laugh at ourselves at times, though we are facing the harsh reality, we will not suffocate ourselves to death and we may see things from another angle which give us fresh perspectives and even creative solutions. Sometimes, when the lessons were too boring in school, I would suddenly laugh quietly to myself as I was imaging things about my tutors. My friends asked me what I was laughing at and I shared with them and we laughed. Then, lessons would not be boring anymore. I often scored better in subjects taught by teachers who were humorous.

All of us have our own pain and issues in life. By appearing solemn and gloomy does not mean that I am a serious holy Catholic. Who would you approach; a poor Catholic who is filled with joy or a wealthy Catholic who looks gloomy and keeps complaining about everyone and everything? It depends on your mentality and approach towards life. Once again, I quote from the On Call 36 Hours show, not all healthy people are happy and not all sickly people are unhappy. Joy can be experienced when one loves and accepts himself as who he is and does God’s will even if his desires goes against God’s will as God who loves us so immensely that He sent His Only Son to die for our sins so that we would not be eternally separated from Him. Only He will lead us to joy not just to heaven but also here on earth. When we obey God’s will, we will go through the necessary suffering with joy deep within as we know that God will lead us to eternal life while we enjoy every small miracles here on earth instead of lamenting on what we do not have or suffering from misery insisting on becoming who we are not. Learn to see humour in life so that we will be more free spirited even laughng at ourselves. Then, it will be easier to carry the cross.

Hey, I have watched a comedy alone after the interview yesterday. The show was This Means War. I had a good laugh with the other people in the cinema throughout the whole show. If you need a good laugh, this is a nice show for such good laugh. I have been feeling down since my unemployment. Instead of allowing the situation to drag me down the spiral of depression, I would always look for ways to cheer myself up or reach out to the others who need help so that I will not indulge myself into self pity or focus too much on myself that I hide in my own small world becoming self centered. You, too, no matter how down you are feeling now, try to find ways to cheer yourself up or help others to count your blessings. The world is not about me but about us, especially in the realm of Christianity. The quality of life is much higher with the ability to laugh at myself and even laugh at the problems that these problems will never be too great to overwhelm us.

Cheer up, man! Lead life to the fullest with joy deep within for you are chosen and loved by God who never forsakes you. Nobody is too worthless to be loved by God with the fact that you are created by God. He is perfect. Therefore, there is no such thing as making a mistake in creating you. Love yourself and love others as yourself. The most important of all is Love God. Let’s continue to do our penance with repentance and joy deep within as we are approaching the Easter Sunday next week. Hurray! I love you, Jesus!! Oh, by the way, it is my spiritual birthday today as I was baptised to be part of the unviersal Catholic family on this day in 1997. Happy Birthday to myself!!

With Love,

Elena

Embracing My True Self

Will be going for a movie marathon at Orchard alone for the first time tonight since I have always had friends going with me. Nothing much I can do in Singapore especially when my saving is running really low though I have a lot of things in mind that I want to do like picking up French again, dancing, art, piano, etc. but need money. My job search has not been smooth as I want to make this job search my last round in life before I settle myself down in a job for the rest of my life. Most of the jobs that I have gone for interviews were very administrative which is not my strength but has been torturing me for seven years of my work life. So, here I am, still jobless and hopeless. Hopefully, I can succeed in my job interview on next Wednesday as that job is less administrative and more outgoing which suits my temperament and character. I really find Singapore very boring till I get sick. Not much to explore. Whenever I go overseas, I will always feel like a free bird and myself where I can roam freely. I do not deny nowhere is as safe as Singapore. But, safety is not priority in my life. What I have always looked for is exposure or exploration of the vast world. I have always dreamt to travel around the world with my life partner. Well, I am still fine with travelling alone if I am willed to be single.


I was given a free ticket to a movie titled A Dangerous Method with the purchase of the book. To me, it was a gift from God. I enjoyed watching the show. It is rated M18, meaning that expect some degree of nudity in the show if you intend to watch it. I was quite disgusted with some parts of the show where the female leading role playing as Sabrina Spielrein was nude having sexual intercourse with Carl Jung enjoying being spanked by him. I thought it was too raw to be displayed for viewing and yet I felt certain sympathy towards Sabrina as such perverse enjoyment of being abused stemmed from her childhood abuse by her father. Yes, this story touches on various aspects of psychoanalysis discussed by the roles like Carl Jung, Sigmund Freud and Sabrina Spielrein which I enjoyed the most. But, my attention span did not allow me to catch all the details discussed during the show to my frustration. As usual, too much went through my mind as I was watching the show. The show was also basically about the turbulent relationships of Sabrina with Jung and Freud. You would enjoy the show if you are interested in psychology, especially about sexuality, how childhood affects the sexuality and psychoanalysis.

Personally, I also learnt something from Jung with his recurring adultery with different women. Though Sabrina left the adulterous relationship with Jung to marry a Russian physician, it did not stop Jung from getting involved with another woman who resembled Sabrina. Why did it keep recurring that he still got himself involved with another woman though he was married and Sabrina had left him? I gathered that he did not solve the root of the problem. He only treated the symptoms by satisfying superficially certain areas of his life through such adulterous relationships. Maybe, his spouse had not satisfied him in some ways. Maybe, his issues were so deeply rooted that he was not even aware of them or he simply ignored such issues or he did not know what to do. In my own life, I saw how certain men went around flirting with women even if they are married or are not available for marriage in some ways. Some know that they are very unhappy inside and even expressed their pain and yet they still refuse to acknowledge and deal with those dark areas. You will see them getting themselves involved with different women to satisfy their superficial wants. As long as they do not face their deeply rooted issues which may also stem from their negative relationships with their parents or caregivers or past romantic relationships, you will see them in such inappropriate relationships. It is sad to see them going through lives not leading life to the fullest carrying such burdens and pain deep inside them. Some of them are really good people and kind by nature. And yet, it can be understood why they still get themselves involved with such inappropriate relationships. Actually, instead of going for limelight or popularity or fame which do not fulfil their needs or attention deep within and only making themselves more and more greedy for such fame, popularity and limelight with more and more prominent thirst screaming to be quenched inside, they may be better off getting married where their spouses can grow intimately with them and heal them slowly with God in the marriages, also helping them to enjoy their hidden selves through such intimate relationships. A spouse is supposed to bring out the best out of you by first accepting the whole package of you, including the not so nice traits. Then, you may develop healthier egos as a man. How deep and long can these women from the inappropriate relationships, fame, fans, popularity or limelight go into your psychic to heal you emotionally, mentally and spiritually? Yes, God can heal. And yet, it will only tear a person apart by getting healing from God with time alone with Him or in church and still sinning by getting involved with inappropriate relationships causing hurt to self and others even deeper at the same time.

I have just read an article on What is character and how does it change? Basically, transformation in the character also consists of the emotional realm of a person. Repressing emotions or denial will only corrupt the character and even the spiritual state of a person. Such repression or denial will manifest these feelings in the negative or even perverse behaviour through the daily life and the character will never go through transformation though I may keep on praying for God to heal me and never look at my emotional area. If emotional area of my life is useless, God would not have created that area as part of me. It takes a lot of courage and bravery to face my dark areas. But, once I take that painful step to face it with openness to God, God will shed light on that area and heal me. The change must come from within so that I can truly be transformed and healed with conscious efforts to change or modify my behaviour.

The period of Lent is coming to an end soon with the Easter Sunday on 8 April 2012. But, transformation does not stop there. Lent period to me is to be more conscious of repentance and penance. My unemployment and low saving force me to cut down on my activities and quiet down to spend much time alone looking into the deeper issues of my life. I do chat with God through prayers about my vulnerability and needs. Struggling along the way especially when I am out of church and pretty much alone. But, I am blessed to have friends encouraging me along the way when I get hay wired at times. I do regret certain things in life. I do miss certain people alot in life. But, I do not just lament in regrets. I try my best not to repeat those mistakes on other people. If these people whom I miss are still in my life, I will fix the broken relationships and love them even better and more.

I do not mind admitting that I hope to have my own family. Sometimes, I do not see the meaning of going through the humiliation and working like a bull at work just to earn money supporting my needs and contributing to my parents. Personally, I find more meaning in earning more money if my money is for my own children and family with a spouse. Only then, any insults, hardwork or hardship faced at work become meaningful as sacrifices for the growth of my family and children. I do see deep meaning of working hard with a spouse to build and nurture the love nest. It is something deep which you can’t do with friends or anyone. Yes, I do see and hear horror stories from the victims of abuse and divorce. Somehow, I still believe in marriage. I feel that life without marriage and carrying a foetus in the womb is never complete as a woman. I am not saying being single is not good. It has its own calling and mission through such consecration of being single. With a family, especially with children, it is not possible to be self centered to live in my own ways and yet expecting the family to be healthy and loving. One must expand oneself to embrace the spouse and children as part of the expanded self through the covenant of marriage even if I do not like certain traits of my children and spouse. Of course, I must not neglect my needs and have to work with my spouse and family to meet my needs so that I will be healthy to contribute to my family and the society. Basically, my spouse is my confessor where I share my intimate self with him, including my vulnerability. If pride or self centeredness gets in the way in marriage, I realize that my spouse and I are living our own separate ways as if we were still single. So, what is the point of getting married? This is how I see marriage. It is a spiritual wealth and blessing to grow with my spouse from loving couple with fire and passion in our love to seeing wrinkles on my spouse holding hands as old couple with love that is as gentle as stream through going through thick and thin in life journey together as depicted in the marriage vow. No amount of money can buy such wealth and not everyone is blessed with it.

That is all for my sharing. As long as we live, it is never too late to open our dark areas for God’s healing with the support and help from friends or loved ones. Sometimes, it even means to go against the norms to be true to oneself inviting insults, condemnation from others at times. Only truth stands with time. All insults or condemnation will go away as they are false bias according to others’ expectations. God is more powerful than anyone. If you are right with God, He will bless you with the daily bread. He will bless you with loved ones and true friends to stand by you and love you as who you are. All people err. It is just a matter of having the courage to learn from the mistakes and walk the truth through repentance and truth or hide as a coward with all the pain and burdens so heavy that you can no longer go upwards to heaven but to go downwards to hell even after you are dead.

Get more sleep now so that I will be ready for my movie marathon alone tonight. Hurray!! May you have a fruitful weekend!! God loves you and I love you all too.

With Love,

Elena

Purifying Love through Mistakes and Failed Relationships

Just came back from Batam in the last evening. As usual, it was a very last minute trip. We decided to go for the trip and my friend arranged for the ferry and accommodation very early in the morning yesterday. Maybe, God knows that I need to be away from Singapore for this much needed break before I continue with the job search. Nowadays, applying for jobs is different from the past. Sometimes, when I went for some administrative jobs which were desk bound, the interviewers commented that I looked tanned and concluded that I was an active person. Therefore, I was not suitable for the jobs. If not, some of them looked at my results and told me I overqualified. Some even asked me why I do not go for further studies. I even went for production operation jobs. I did not even mind the jobs which was why I went for the interviews and yet I got such comments. Does it mean that I have to bleach myself and look fragile so that they will employ me for desk bound jobs? Can’t they see that the fact I flunked my GCE A Level exams and the fact that I was a Normal Stream student proved that I am not smart and thus, I am suitable for the jobs advertised? Ok, I am stuck now. In some of my previous jobs, even my RO told me I looked more like a supervisor when I had never proven that I was competent or smart and I kept my mouth shut most of the time. Some even claimed that I acted mature and it was good for me. So, what should I do now? To act like an idiot so as to get employed and try to look fragile and soft? I am really stuck now.


When I was in Batam for the first time on last Friday and yesterday, I saw how poor the people were by observing the living condition of the locals there as the cab was passing by the residential areas. I was very delighted to see a church near my hotel and got excited asking one of the hotel staff if it was a Catholic church. But, he was not sure. I did not have the time to check it. Somehow, seeing a church excited me inside which I do not know why. When I was waiting for the departure time from Batam back to Singapore, I was hanging around the Batam Center Mega Mall. There was an activity going on trying to promote a Christian kindergarten. They were singing some worship songs. I could not help it but left the restaurant where I was going to have lunch with my friend for awhile to join the children singing the worship songs. Somehow, I felt very at home and joyful within. What is happening to me? I have left the church for more than half a year and why I still feel so at home and elated when I saw a church near my hotel and the children singing where I could not help it but to join them singing the worship songs. Maybe, my art therapist was right. I am not religious but that is just my spirituality which will not change even after I have left the church. I see it as God’s gift to keep me close to Him no matter where I am and I feel loved by God for such gift.

I am a very boring person and that explains why I do not really have friends. I do the same thing, go to the same place and do not know how to entertain people. People find me boring. I also find myself boring. Fortunately, I am not married. If not, I do not think my spouse can stand the boring me and will look for other women for some fun and novelty. I am watching this Hong Kong drama series titled On Call 36 hours depicting the situations in the different specialist areas in the hospital and the lives of specialists and patients. I can relate to the show very well as I used to be in and out of the emergency ward or day surgical department quite often as a patient. Moreover, I have come across many people around me who are sick and some of them suffer from rare diseases. Frankly speaking, when looking back at my life so far, people will leave my life once they are getting better or when they die. So far, whether I like it or not, I have to let go. I am pretty sick of it. It is as if I am acting as a counsellor in their lives and once they are well or dead, they will leave me no matter how close they are to me.

One thing strikes me in this On Call 36 hours show. The female leading actress is a specialist and contracted with some rare spinal cord tumour. She did not want to disclose her illness at first due to the fear of being a burden to her loved ones. Then, her boss advised her to disclose it to her loved ones because rather than leaving them living with regrets if she were to be gone suddenly, allowing them to go through it all with her would no doubt burden them but at least, they would not live with regrets for the rest of their lives for not spending the remaining days with her. This is so true. I personally rather go through it all with my loved ones than living with regrets for the rest of my life for not spending time with my loved ones. It reminds me of the regret for not spending time with mummy before she left. I have forgiven myself, she had never blamed me for anything and God has forgiven me. But, the fact is that I am still living with regrets. I used to mind how other teachers gossiped about us, how other students saw us and how others would criticize me even after I had left my Secondary school. I really regret for not talking to her for two years despite her approach towards me in church on alternate Saturdays and in school when I visited some teachers and students occasionally. If time can be reversed, I would ignore all gossips and how people saw me and would have spent her remaining days with her when she approached me. I rather go through it all with her while giving her the privacy and space she needed.

I am not sure why I am always put in some rare situations that most of my friends do not face. If I am not careful, I will easily ruin another person’s life or rumours will be spread very quickly among many people which cause damage to the person’s reputation. Some of them hold certain level of authority. Honestly speaking, I rather mind my own business than to cross their paths. It seems that I have to handle difficult and domineering people which most people cannot handle and yet some of the people around me see that I seem to be able to handle them which most people are being oppressed under them. I am a very simple person. I do not yearn for limelight or recognition. All I pray for is to have my own family with loving spouse and children. Everyone needs a home. I am no exception.

My friend with good intention was giving me advice without looking at my needs and even knowing my expectation in a future spouse. She asked me to lower my expectation. She meant well. But, little did she know that I felt slighted and disconnected more than helped. All I expect in a spouse is a man of strong faith who places God above everyone and everything else to lead me in my faith and the family, is able to establish mental rapport with me, loves and respects me as who I am giving me enough space without abusing me at all and works hard with me to earn money to support the family. I have never yearned for a handsome, wealthy, talented, muscular, popular man with many more positive traits. I am not looking for a saint as my spouse. If I lower my expectation any further, then I can grab any Tom, Dick or Harry as my spouse. I did mention honestly to her about this whole issue. When she was advising me, she was in a mess and her self esteem was hurt. Therefore, though she meant well, the advice she gave was not appropriate. The way she put it pulled me down with her instead of helping me. So, whenever I advise people, I always look at the state of the person, the needs at that time and in general, the person’s temperament and character, etc. I do not force my advice on the person according to what I think is right to all people. Whether he wants to take my advice or not, it is up to him. If God gives me free will, who am I to impose my will on others? I also have to be aware of my own state of mind and heart and take care that I do not pull let my personal feelings and situations drag the other person down. People trust me and look for hope or advice from me which is why they come to me. I have to own my words and actions so that the people will leave me better off rather than worse off after every session. Life is short. I find it meaningless to impose my superiority to show others that I am brilliant and superior to them through giving advice or helping people. Rather, I try to understand them and put myself into their shoes and see how I can try to do my very little part in helping them or even just praying for them if I am not called or not suitable to help them. I also learn from them instead of living in my little world preoccupied with my own ideas and imposing them on others.

On Call 36 hours show also shows the male leading role who was a specialist loved the woman with the spinal cord disease. He said the vow to her despite her condition to spend the rest of his life with her under all circumstances till death part them. Yes, romantic but I am thinking if the woman were to be ugly, poor or deemed stupid, would she still get such faithful and loving man? Be realistic. When a male leading character made sacrifices for the woman he loved in almost every show, the woman in the show would always look at least pretty. Will it still be romantic to the audience if the handsome and talented man made such sacrifices for an ugly, poor or stupid woman?

That is why I have never had too high expectation when it comes to a spouse. I will only accept a man who is willed to be my spouse. I have never tried to force anyone to get into romantic relationship with me or wanted things to go my way. So what if I win the person through seduction, trickery or any other manipulation? I can possess the person as an object but I have never loved him as who he is with any respect for his will. Is his heart with me? Adultery is out of question to me. Yes, it may seem exciting. But, such affairs do not affect just the two people in the relationship but also the people in the married person’s life, especially his children and spouse. They are innocent. Why should they bear the consequences from the wilful and evil acts of mine just due to my feelings of liking or self centered motives? How true can this man be if he can betray his own spouse who sleeps with him daily? I always believe that if a man really loves me, no matter how far he is, his heart always has me. He will never leave me. He will come back to me one day. Even in the midst of temptation, he will love me with fidelity. He will work hard to make the relationship between us to be better. He will go through it all with me and never abandon me. If he does not love me, no matter how tenacious I cling on to him, how I seduce or manipulate him to stay by my side, he will leave me one day. His heart will never be with me. I have never even entered his heart at all. I am only treating him as my object to my desires. What happens between us is just transaction for our desires.

I do have my own fair share of heartbreak. But, by not talking about it does not mean that I do not have any heartbreak. If I am right with God, I believe God will bless me with a spouse who truly loves me. Letting go is painful but necessary when called forth to free myself to be better loved by the man willed to be my spouse. If the person is willed to be my spouse, God will make it happen. This man will work hard to nurture the relationship and stay by my side no matter what happen, no matter how many women tempt him. If not, why torture myself to force the other party into the relationship? It not only deprives myself of meeting the right guy who will truly loves me but also depriving the man involved of his right gal. Sometimes, distance does help to see if you really love the person. Absence will make the heart fonder if he loves you. The love is even more prominent and louder as time passes by. If he loves you, he will come back for you and treasure you. If not, it will only be out of sight, out of mind. Time will tell. So, never rush anyone into relationship with you. I always believe that what does not kill you will only strengthen you. Sometimes, a few relationships fail before you meet the right one so that you will learn to love better and better from mistakes and lessons from every failed relationship and you will learn to truly love the right one when he comes. Those failed relationships being let go serve as a sacrificial love for you to be prepared for the relationship with the right man willed by God. The sacrifices involved in those failed relationships are to learn from one’s mistakes and repentance to be a better and better lover. For me, if I love a person, I will go through it all with him.

Ok, enough of my writing. Sorry for the rojak contents in this blog entry. I just write whenever comes to my mind. No matter where you are, I pray that you will treasure all your loved ones and friends for no one knows if one goes out in the day well will come back well at night. Life is fragile. I hope that you will not live with regrets like me due to silly things like pride, limelight, deceit of self, gossips, etc. If these people are meant to go through life with you, they will go through it all with you. God will bless the relationships. Do not be afraid. Take courage to reconcile and love each other even better.

With Love,

Elena

Influence of People whom We Journey With As Spiritual Companions & Close Friends

Now, I am on a course of strong antibiotics and other medicines for the treatment of two sites of infection. Have been feeling weak and groggy most of the time. So, I take this period of time where I lie on the bed most of the time to do reading from books and iPhone. How I wish I can have an iPad for me to catch up with my reading as the reading from the small screen of my iPhone strains my eyes and causes blur vision at times. There are many useful apps that I have downloaded to learn more about the Catholic faith like the iDoms portal created by Dominican Order, RC Buddy for the daily readings, rosary and prayers, Lent Lite for meditation during the period of Lent, St Augustine Mag for any articles related to the Catholic faith, etc. On top of that, I also downloaded other apps touching on different areas of specialization not related to my faith. Really a lot of reading to catch up. If I cannot afford to travel physically to explore other countries, I explore mentally across different fields.


Nowadays, new media has been widely used as tools for various purposes, connecting with people instantly around the world. In the realm of Catholicism, it has been used for evangelization or sharing of faith by various groups. I observe that how we behave in our lives will also be how we behave online. I remember I was invited to join one church group through Facebook. However, to my frustration of seeing certain behaviour online from those very few people, I withdrew from the group as I do not see the point of joining such group when they further filter the people who are allowed to view some information or photos that are church related. To me, I am wondering it is silly to invite us and yet certain information or photos are shared intimately by what I named them as elites. Such behaviour of theirs can also be observed in their daily interaction with people. If the information or photos shared are so exclusive, they could have formed their own elite group rather than filtering the people they have invited to the Facebook group which I find silly.

Such behaviour shows me one thing. That is discrimination which violates the very essence of Christianity; Sharing God’s Love with everyone with the two commandments of Love God and love neighbours as ourselves. Obviously, there is certain element of politics in the group. I am very selective with who I grow with as close friends or confidante or spiritual companions. I do not look up to influential, wealthy, popular, people to grow with. I do not seek people who will say what pleases me even if I am wrong. I do not seek people who see themselves as elites and play politics in any settings. I know I can never grow with them. In fact, if I continue to stick closely to them, I am wired or influenced even subtly by them with my daily interaction with them, whether I am aware of it or not.

I do reach out to various people. But, I also need people to grow with me and help me to grow as close friends or confidante or spiritual companions. Normally, I look for authenticity or altruism in a person or a group even if they are poor or social outcast before forming close bonds with them. Of course, everyone has his own flaws. I do not expect anyone to be perfect. If I realize that a group has branded itself on elitism or for self glorification where everyone is just all out to please one another for some self centered gains or self inflated egos, I will get out of it as I know I will end up like them away from God though I may act holy superficially to others. It is not surprising to see a lot of politics in such group. The only reason why I stick to them may be due to the fact that I am called to reach out to the others as a group with them and my missions have not been completed and yet I do not look upon them as my examples. These people may be well versed in the knowledge of the faith and I will only learn the head knowledge from them. After my missions are completed, I will leave the group.

I am glad to have friends outside who are not Catholics and yet I see authenticity or altruism in them. They help me to see the different aspects of Christ. They are basically good people but somehow, they never respond to God or become part of the Catholic family. I am proud to be part of the Catholic family and have responded to God’s calling to be a child of God through my baptism and confirmation. Yes, politics do happen in church. In fact, where you find people, politics will most likely happen if the people are vying for power or self glorification or want their ways which clash against the others’. There are also some authentic Catholics who are honest and sincere in their interaction with the others. I remember my RCIA leaders in my first parish got me some pamphlets on a disease which my loved one suffered from so that I could understand her better and be more forgiving and generous towards her. I was very touched by their very act of doing so with such little thoughts as it builds life and seek reconciliation with others and love others as who they are.

We have to set our perspective right that there is a mixture of people with different needs and wants in the church which may ignite conflicts. All of us are broken in some ways which is why Eucharistic celebration where the presence of Christ exists and we receive him through the host, and other sacraments help us to experience God’s grace and extend such grace to others through forgiveness and acceptance of others’ differences again and again. Discrimination or labelling own groups as unspoken elites or holy ones will only cause divisions in the church. The very act of it violates the very essence of true Christian living which is sharing without any discrimination. If not, Jesus could have chosen to die with the rich instead of with the two thieves who were deemed to be of the lowest social status. From my personal observation, these very people who discriminate or deem themselves as higher than the others may even scold and ostracize others for the very acts which they, themselves, have carried out as if they have got exclusive rights for doing so.

Who we mingle with as our spiritual companions or close friends for our own growth in life is very important. Sometimes, we may not even be aware of the pervasive influence from these people whom we associate with as spiritual companions or close friends or confidante over us which cause us to stray away from God if we are not careful or wise. Christ centred people will walk right with God first and then with others. Self centred people will walk ‘right’ with others first and then, right with God or may not even be right with God depending on what pleases the people they want to please. The people whom they want to please or associate with become the main influences in their lives for certain self centred needs or wants and guidance. In a way, they become their gods or idols whom they falsely worship. Of course, it is not right to judge these people harshly. If not, what is the difference between them and me? Anyway, all of us are broken in some ways. Who am I to judge? If I want to judge, I must remove the wooden planks from my eyes than trying to remove wooden splints of others. Prayers will get into the picture for them to go through transformation and truly love God and others that is devotional and not self centred.

How people behave in their daily lives will be seen by how they behave online. If discrimination or division is set in real life within a big family, you will easily see the same trend or pattern or behaviour by the same group of people online, such as certain church information or photos will be shared with a group of elite within a group in Facebook, comments from certain elites or certain people favoured on certain blogs are always approved for display to inflate egos in order to please, superficial flattery from others is always posted for display for self glorification, etc. It will not be a surprise that certain issues posted for the good of others may be ignored or certain helpful questions or comments posted will not be approved due to personal biases or preferences. That is why I have stopped visiting certain blogs or get out of certain groups altogether.

Like choosing certain people I would journey as close friends or confidante or spiritual companions, I will also choose blogs or information or Facebook groups to join for my spiritual input and growth. I get tired of pretensions or politics very easily. So, I rather not get involved with or leave the groups as long as I have completed my tasks. It is very important who we grow and share ourselves intimately with as our close friends or spiritual companions even in the midst of many friends or people whom we are called to reach out to. Of course, we do not discriminate against anyone and will just include them in our prayers. If we are called to help them, we will reach out to them out of Love. If they do not listen or even accuse us, we have done our best and simply shake the dust off our shoes and continue to move on to the others, leaving them the blessing that they will change for the better one day.

That’s all for my sharing. Really sick with my ears blocked while fighting against two sites of infection. Sometimes, walking can be painful. Need a lot of rest. I take this period of sickness as sacrifice to God during this Lent period to deepen my faith as I remember all the sickly or handicapped people who are suffering and my own minor sickness is a blessing from God to help me to emphasize with these people and understand better how painful or restrictive it is to be sick or handicapped so that I am in a better position with compassion when I am called to reach out to them which is not uncommon. While sick, it reminds me to keep all the sickly or handicapped people who are suffering and being restricted in some ways in my prayers so that my short term sickness is not one with self pity but one with meaning and sacrificial Love and deeper understanding into sickly or handicapped people. Hopefully, I am well enough to go for brisk walk for much needed fresh air tomorrow. May you find meaning and joy of journeying and sharing love with your loved ones and friends, not forgetting the less fortunate ones. God bless.

With Love,

Elena

Life Forest Through the Seemingly Wrong Route

Just came back from a movie with a friend. I was amused by the show titled The Devil Inside. Right at the beginning, it was clearly stated that the Vatican has absolutely no part in the shooting of the exorcism and that any exorcism done by the priest in real life has never been recorded for any show. Yes, this show was about exorcism done by priests and how things got out of control that one of them got possessed and killed himself while the other died in an accident in the car driven by a man who was possessed. These two priests had taken the exorcism cases without the permission from the Vatican and even defied the authority. In a way, their death was caused by their disobedience against the Vatican as chosen by God as the headquarter for Catholicism throughout the world under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. I find the show interesting as I have always been interested in the afterlife and such spiritual warfare and stuffs as I tend to be spiritually sensitive, which goes against me when my faith is weak. Besides, this show is related to my faith and made me sit up with intense attention to what the show has got to say about Catholicism. I should say this show is highly entertaining to me.


I went for a hike with my friend yesterday. I walked until my legs are too painful to walk properly now, especially my left knee which had been hurt badly twice without receiving any treatment at all. Now, I am also down with flu and sore throat and sunburn. However, the hike was worthy. I learnt certain lessons out of the hike. We hiked from 11am to around 5.30pm from Segar Station to Dairy Farm to Singapore Quarry to Bukit Panjang Nature Reserve to Guilin (man-made cliff) with short breaks in between. What I enjoyed the most was the wrong route that we took trying to get to the Singapore Quarry from Dairy Farm through the forest. The condition was quite bad due to the rain the night before. I have learnt three lessons out of this wrong route.

Firstly, the ground was slippery and muddy with fallen trees and twigs all around. We were stuck at one point because of the fallen trees and twigs. Then, I stood back and looked at how the fallen trees and twigs laid on the ground and found my way to get through. My friend followed me.

Lesson 1: Spiritual life or life in general may seem like a forest with obstacles (fallen trees or twigs) along the way. There is no point lamenting or complaining and stopping there. There is also no point forcing ourselves through and getting ourselves hurt. The best way is to keep calm, step back and look through a third party’s eyes at the issues and ask God to guide and direct our decisions and actions. If someone is following you for guidance or under your leadership, rushing through it all will also hurt the other person as depicted in the blind is leading the blind, especially under blind leaders. If the leaders are not wise and open to God’s guidance, the disciples will fall with them. That is really too great responsibility to be negligent or capricious.



Then, there was one point when I fell. Luckily, both my hands pressed on the ground before my butt landed on the mud. I was protected from injury and there were no sharp objects on the ground to hurt me. My friend got a shock and made sure that I was alright.

Lesson 2: We may fall from time to time in our lives. Do we just complain and indulge into self pity, trying to gain attention and blame the environment or worse still, everyone else, and not get up with the fear of falling again or do we learn from our fall and bounce back to continue with our walk with faith in God no doubt we may still fall from time to time? At that point, I was thankful that God protected me from injury though my palm did bruise abit. I should be grateful that I did not sustain any serious injury. I always believe that what does not kill you only strengthens you. Whatever fall you have in life, there are always some lessons to learn from to strengthen you and make you wiser. Give thanks to God that we are still surviving after all the falls so far.

Finally, from the wrong route, there was another point where I did not have the confidence that I could get down the slope safely. So, I got my friend’s help by holding on to her arm when getting down the slope. When I landed safely, she held on to my arm and came down safely. I really enjoyed that support and working together happily with her to keep each other safe and sound.

Lesson 3: No man is an island, especially in Christianity where it is all about sharing Love with one another. We need support from one another and journey together so that we will not fall to our death or fall unnecessarily. Sometimes, pride does get in the way to admit our vulnerabilities. If I let the pride overrides the opportunities to share Love with the others through my vulnerabilities, I am depriving others and myself from enjoying fellowship together and connecting the individual worlds of our own together to expand the Kingdom of God.

In conclusion, I learnt the most from the wrong route that we have taken. In fact, I was glad that we took the wrong route for us to have a different experience learning life lessons from the forest. In life, sometimes, we may think that certain experiences are waste of time and we blame ourselves or others for such hindrance to get what we want or according to the ways we expect them to be. During this Lent period, it is apt to slow our pace down and reflect on the areas of our lives which we think are waste of our time due to our perceived hindrance from other people or self. Take time to bring them up to God and ask God to shed some light on them and see what lessons you learn from them. Have you developed patience after them? Have you grown wiser and mature after them? Have you learnt to treasure everyone or everything in your life as God’s gift to you no matter how insignificant some things or people are to you? When we make conscious efforts and examine our lives with honesty with God’s guidance, there are definitely precious lessons to be learnt which money cannot buy from these seemingly ‘wrong’ routes. Ultimately, we need God’s guidance to go back to the right route towards holiness again and again. The three lessons that I have learnt above among other life lessons will equip me better and better to keep on going back to God whenever I stray away from Him. This must come with spending quiet time alone with him from time to time, regular prayers, through Eucharistic celebration and sacraments (which I have missed), communal worship and serving others out of Love.

I enjoyed the hike. Thanks to my friend who went through it with me. Now, my career is like the forest where I am hindered by the ‘fallen trees and twigs’ and I even fall. If I could figure that out and got out of the forest safely, I should not have problems resolving my career issues. But, the question is ‘how?’ Now, it also comes with my health getting bad which may need some checkup and draining the little saving I have. These ‘fallen trees and twigs’ seem too big for me to get over. I guess that really exercise my faith and trust that God will provide my ‘daily bread’. In terms of career, one friend of mine has asked me to apply jobs that are of higher position so that the main issues that I have been facing in my career will be solved. It makes sense and I know it may work. But, will employers give me the chance to even get into the organizations? Am I really up to that level yet? I am realistic about my abilities and would never want to blow my own trumpet by going for positions too high for me. If not, I would embarrass myself if I do not do well and it would be unfair to the organization which hire and train me for that position. Now, all I can do is to pray hard for a job which I can do well and get fair appraisal and not be abused by bosses anymore. I am willing to work hard and in fact, I work very hard for every job assigned to me. But, I feel very indignant when I get verbally abused with my ideas stolen by bosses in the open office causing some colleagues to lose respect for me and start yelling at me and yet not getting a single cent for my bonuses where the laziest employees in those organizations could skive and get theirs.

Really do not know where I am heading towards. All I can do is to pray for miracles. Always remember that all the experiences that you have gone through will never go to waste. God will use them creatively for the good of yourself and others out of Love.

With Love,
Elena

Holy Sanctuary as a Necessity

Just came back from an outing with my family. My image is all gone with me lecturing my nephew in the public as his behaviour was totally out of control. Sigh! I am not even married yet and yet I behave like a mum scolding my nephew for disciplinary purposes if he does not listen at all. My image is all gone. Sometimes, the public has negative comments while passing by us when I am scolding or disciplining him as he is out of control. I feel very embarrassed but disciplining him is more important. If not, he may get into serious trouble or injured. See, I am not a mum and yet my image is all gone like a crazy mother trying to tame a wild animal. Have been feeling unwell. I guess maybe time for a checkup before it gets serious. Hope nothing serious though with some fear.


I visited Buddha Tooth Relic Temple and Museum with the two kids, my mum and sister since they are Buddhists. I get in out of curiosity. I should say that I am utterly impressed with the elaborate decorated and furnished temple with grandeur and reverence. It was a serene environment. They even offer some cushions at two corners of the worship area at Level 4 for meditation. As I was getting into the museum at Level 3, I was in awe by all the efforts and details of the relics displayed, history and description of every Buddha. At Level 2, it is an area for purchasing the statues, ornaments, books, and also a resting place for people to read over cups of beverages sold there. It was all about serenity. I wonder if there is such a place for Catholics. It will be nice to have such similar area where all the history and custom of Catholicism displayed, interactive areas for Catholics to mingle, relics displayed, Catholic teachings described, display of items used by priests, religious sisters and brothers and even priests, vocations available with different orders or congregations depicted, Catholic library with updated books not only for the priests but also open to the public, talks held, activities organized, items sold, etc. all in a building nicely furnished and decorated with stain glasses to tell the stories of God and Jesus and the saints. If there is such a place, you will see me there daily. We have such mini place like the Singapore Pastoral Centre beside the Immaculate Heart of Mary parish along Highland Road. But, I just feel it is not enough. I feel it is more corporate similar to any offices.

Like I have mentioned in my previous blog entry last year, I have always liked to go to the church daily after work away from the busy world. When I was unemployed in the past, I liked to go to the church in the morning to do some reading and spend time with God. I feel at home in the church. Sometimes, some priests would chat with me on certain issues or my youths would come to me for complaints or advice or some people catching up or having fellowship with me. The problem lies with some people think that I am there with hidden agendas or lick the priests’ boots. However, I did not care as I really like the environment where people do not really disturb me and I could do my reading as directed by God. This helps alot as people tend to ask me all sorts of funny questions and I have to better equip myself to help others and not misleading them. Some youths asked me questions like why lesbianism is not accepted by the Catholic church and how she should help her friend who was a lesbian. Some people asked me the differences between Catholicism and Protestant belief and teaching.

Of course, I do not stay in the church so much that I have no time for my family and friends. What is the point of reaching out to others if I don’t even reach out to my family? I do not believe in escapism. If I want to escape, I could have moved out of my house. Some people think that I stayed in church often because I have an unhappy family. If I am unhappy, I can always go somewhere like the pubs or discos or KTV. I just like to be in the place where I see the physical items or statues related to my faith. Seeing is believing does apply here just like the adage, Out of Sight, Out of Mind. I am always very distracted. So, such frequent reminders are necessary for me. Being in church helps me to refocus on God after the daily work and activities which may pull me away from God and placing them above God. Of course, my mentality and heart must change. Transformation should start from the heart with sincerity and repentance. I am still very flawed with some habitual sins but I am very slowly improving according to some friends and reporting officers. Baby steps are better than no steps which mean stagnancy leading to spiritual death. Only things that are dead do not grow. I have seen some people going for daily mass, prayer or devotional sessions and still not transformed. Worse still, they play politics and spread rumours around to gain favours. I find that silly. But, they are still human beings with flaws like me afterall. Maybe, it may take alot more for them to come to certain realization before any transformation takes place to wake them up.

Ok, enough of my sharing here. As mentioned before, I am not here to preach as I am just a layperson. I am sharing my experience as a child of God. If you have any doubts or questions regarding Catholic teachings or faith, please approach the priests or religious brothers or sisters. They are glad to clarify your doubts. If not, you may purchase some books on the relevant issues or topics. I was happily downloading apps to my iPhone for daily mass reading, prayers and any other information about the Catholic faith. Some are free while others are charged at certain prices. I have also found some Taize prayers which I could download online. I was so elated over it. I have always liked the Taize prayers. They seem to calm me down and slow my racing mind giving me peace which I could not find anywhere. I will be in touch with the nature tomorrow with my hiking kakis. That is another avenue to seek God since I am out of church. Hope that my body can keep me going. On Sunday, out with my other friend at East Coast beach in late afternoon. Another chance to spend time with God through nature. Who knows my body may be healed after that? Also hope that I can get a job. I have lost hope after sending months of many resumes until I lose count. Hopeless case. I think I may just get any job and stick to it with bitterness and torture.

We are still in the midst of Lent period. When you feel lousy with no peace, spend time in church or before the Blessed Sacrament. No peace can be found anywhere other than Jesus’. His peace is a blessing with the Spirit of Love which nobody can snatch away. He is always there to welcome you with open arms and smile. Go to Him and rest in His arms with peace. Take care. May peace be with you wherever you are!! :)

With Love,
Elena