Enjoying A New Tough Beginning With Gratitude

Just come back from meeting each of my two friends at different places and different times respectively. Very exhausted now, I am glad to have my substitute public holiday today. Thanks to the Buddhists who are celebrating their Vesak Day. After five months of unemployment, it is very tough getting my momentum of working within a few days, especially when the workplace is far away. I think as time passes by, I should adapt quickly to the pace of work. Starting anew in a new working environment from a public sector to a private one needs more adjustment than changing to a new organization within the same sector. Somehow, though the takeover is overwhelming and still in progress, I like my workplace and its structure. It is more flexible and I am given more autonomy. My boss seems to be nice and my predecessor is full of praises towards this boss. The boss has spoken to me about her expectation towards me and she is very clear about what she wants at work and from her staff. I do feel the stress from her positive comment that she interviewed many candidates and she found me reliable and employed me. Why do I feel so stressed out? The reason is due to the fact that I could sense she has some high expectation of me. If I fail to work up to her standards, I may head towards failure at the end of my three month probation. She confessed that she tend to be picky when it comes to hiring people. She expects me to learn everything by next Wednesday. I also have very high expectation of myself, forcing myself to pick things up as quickly as possible. I get very stressed out as the handover is not smooth since my predecessor used the office communicator alot for other issues and used the email for other matters on the computer. I could not do much since there was only one computer which I am supposed to take over. Besides, during the takeover, it was very disruptive when she used the office communicator to communicate with others from time to time, disrupting our handover. I find the handover very messy as my flow of thoughts kept on getting interrupted. Well, the beginning is always tough. My colleagues know that I am stressed out and they encouraged me to take it easy. I am trying to sort the overwhelming information into categories at home. I am revising what I have learnt. Since the commencement of my work, I have been feeling very exhausted, especially mentally. I spent my whole Saturday sleeping. Though I am still feeling very exhausted yesterday, I went to meet each of my two friends in two different places at different times.


One of them was my church friend. I have not seen her for months. Though I felt like cancelling the appointment as I was exhausted and also fearful that she might talk about some church people I am not interested in and spread rumours about me again which I have got no energy and would not want to handle such nonsense again, I went to meet her to see how she was getting on and what help she needed. True enough, she needed advice on her career and ministry in church. As much as I could, I gave her some advice for her to do some soul searching with the guidance from God. As for her ministry, I asked her to pray to God if she should move on since she is going for masses in a different parish and her church ministry leader did not show her any understanding and respect. In fact, her leader has turned the ministry into a marketplace to do his business.

I have been wondering when Jesus is going to enter ‘the temple area and drove out all those engaged in selling and buying there. He overturned the tables of moneychangers and the seats of those who were selling doves’. When I was in that parish, I felt that parish was like a marketplace as some parishioners and leaders flocked together for some transactions and favouritism in the modern context of some leaders giving some parishioners leadership positions for some monetary or material benefits, fame or popularity, some leaders rendering some services to some parishioners they like and spending most time with them while choosing who they want to serve outside those circles, etc. I would not think that I could grow in such environment and I began to lose myself and faith. If a person is in a harmful or unhealthy environment long enough, he may be moulded or influenced to behave and act like them without knowing. We are social beings afterall with the ability to influence one another in some way or another. Yes, strong faith is essential to stay right and strong with God but we also need others to grow with us with some of them to guide us. If we submit blindly to authorities even if they are wayward or corrupted in some ways, we will also turn out that way. Discernment and wisdom play important parts to follow the Christ-like leaders who seek to serve God and others with the Spirit of Love but not self serving. It is very tiring to follow self serving leaders as they tend to leave the mess behind way after they have left the parishes and the people they have appointed as leaders tend to cause more divisions and fights in the community. I always believe I do not just reach out and serve others in the ministry but I also need the support from others and grow with the people. If not, sooner or later, I will suffer from spiritual burnout and may even bear resentment towards others in the long run. Christianity is not about individual heroism but about loving God and others walking with them towards holiness.

Now, I hope that I can reach out in my workplace. My predecessor is a new Christian. We talk about God alot. I enjoy such conversation with her. She also asked me for advice on how to handle some people. This is one way I am reaching out. Since my predecessor is going to university, I also help her to see how psychology can be useful in serving others in many areas. I enjoy talking to her as she is a mature and smart girl with humility. Though she is much younger than me, I admire her humility especially when she is a promising student with excellent A Level results. She did not boast about her brilliance. Instead, she thanked God for it. I learn from her about humility. My boss is also a Christian. Hopefully, I can learn from her not just professionally but also about life and Christianity. She seems to be a nice person so far. According to my colleagues even when they have done wrong, she has never raised her voice. According to my observation, she is a very hardworking person who never skives. I will learn the positive attitude from her. I will try to practise the Christian values at my workplace. There is some community work coming up for my department. Hopefully, I can help the children in small little ways behind the scene since our corporate social responsibility is mainly nurturing and helping children to realize their potential through mobile library for the poor children in Africa and some projects for students to participate in innovation. We have to dedicate at least one working day for it.

Here, I am, though very exhausted, I am happy and grateful to have a new tough beginning. My boss remembers I mentioned I want to learn new things during my interview. If I pass my probation and work for at least six months, she will send me for training. I may have a chance to go overseas for very short training with the department if the budget allows it. I am happy to be out of my past vicious cycle in my career and start anew. My boss gives me autonomy and flexibility on how I want to get my jobs done and when I report for work as long as I am at work before 9.30am and get my jobs done at the end of the days. I like the pantries here as a group of staff put in a lot of efforts and time on the design and the facilities and items. The pantries are nicely done with comfort. I enjoy free beverages and cheaper bread and titbits from the vending machines. We have tea ladies looking after the pantries. This organization really takes care of the staff benefits. I feel good as a staff here.

No matter where we are, we can always serve God as long as we open our eyes and care to see the needs of others. Jesus is in them. There is no need to fight with the others in the ministries of parishes to serve. We need many people outside the parishes to reach out to the others who may be waiting for help in any ways. I often admire people who serve quietly outside parishes without any leadership positions. These heroes are normally unsung. Only people who receive support or help from these heroes will know. These are the very humble people I admire from the bottom of my heart. Everyone has his own talents. Make full use of your God given talents for the good of others with the Spirit of Love. Enjoy serving as God’s instrument, man!!

Guess what I will be doing with my substitute public holiday today? I will be sleeping again. I guess I was born in the wrong year. I should be born in the year of pig instead of horse. I can go without food but I get cranky without sleep!! Zzzzzzzzz.........Resting enough to go further in life.

With Love,

Elena

Rumination on New Media

Just come back from my outing with my mum and the two kids before I officially start work for my new job on next Wednesday. Nowadays, the weather in Singapore is really erratic as if the weather is suffering from PMS. Many people around me are falling sick. As for me, I try to drink more water, eat an apple daily and rest well so that I will not fall sick when I start work. I am very happy today. Why? I had the most wonderful dream last night. I saw myself in a European country with nice scenic view which I have never seen in my life, not even in my dreams, before. The water was clear and blue which allowed me to see through it into the marine beauty beneath. I saw myself enrolled in a school with elaborate Renaissance painting and ornaments, staying in a hostel. Though only a dream which I can never fulfil due to my financial situation, I am happy enough to have such dream. The dream was so real that the residue of the happiness was carried from the dream into reality upon waking up. I thank God for such wonderful dream. Anyway, dreams do not cost a single cent. I can have dreams as grandeur as I would like them to be without a hole in my pocket.


Since I will be holding a position in the Corporate Communications department in a Japanese MNC, I have been reading materials about communication, especially on new media. I even touched on Sociology and new media. Many questions do come up in my mind as usual whenever I touch on the articles. One thing does cross my mind is whether new media which causes annihilation of time and space also causes annihilation of truth, personal touch and warmth at the same time. One aspect of annihilation of time and space means that through the new media like the Facebook, Twitter, blogs, etc., we connect with our loved ones and people we are interested to have updates on instantly no matter where we are in real time. We can even chat with them and post updates about ourselves, interest or any other information for other people to have access to. Of course, platform like Facebook allows privacy to be set such as who can gain access to our information and updates, the level of privacy set against specific people to have access only to certain information that we post, etc. We can easily form interest, religious or other groups to share our common goals, areas of interest, updates, etc. A wealth of information can be easily accessible online for our knowledge and upkeeping with latest news of issues, happening and other matters that interest globally.

My question is the authenticity of the information posted online. How much truth is there in every posting? On Facebook, some people do not post true stuffs about themselves. In fact, some posted traits and updates about their idealistic images. In that case, are we drifting away from who we are as unique children of God created by God? Are we deceiving ourselves and others through such virtual platform? How true can the friendships be when all we are befriending are the imagined images of those people? When left alone at night with the true selves, are these people feeling more miserable as they know very well they are not who they claim to be online? Will they loathe their true selves? When we know who they are eventually, will we feel cheated or devastated when we find out they are not the images that they have created in the virtual world?

The other question is who regulate the materials posted online and how true they can be. People or groups who have the authority to censor parts of every information may present the information what they think are right. What they think are right may not be right with God at times. Sometimes, such censorship is a form of manipulation to distort the perception of the target audience for their own self centred benefits or political motives. For instance, a leader who has gone wayward may report on certain information about certain people whom he wants to get rid of for the fear that they may hinder him from attaining certain amount of money, fame or higher position. Half truth presented is still not true. Truth means utter honesty in confession of facts without any taint of lies or hidden facts or distortion or ambiguity of the original information at all. Everyone may claim that his truth is true. My question is based on whose perspective. My so called truth may not be what you claim to be true, resulting in conflicts. If such conflicts blow out of proportion involving more people with personal attacks or accusations on a greater scale, they may lead to wars.

New media may cause loneliness in some people, lacking in personal touch and warmth. They may have many friends online. In reality, they hide within their virtual worlds without going out to meet people face to face for personal touch and warmth. Words or messages online are abstract afterall. They can never be compared to meeting others face to face. You can never see body languages or hear the tone of messages online which form parts of effective communication. Therefore, it is easy to lie online without such subtle body languages and tone of speech which can only be observed through meeting with the people face to face. Sometimes, I wonder if one’s sensitivity or reading of the body language or cues in reality may weaken with the fact that he is hidden within his virtual world. Even if videos are posted online for one to view body languages, only part of the reality can be recorded for view and the deliberate presentation of only certain parts of the video may distort the information about the incidents or people involved to convey one’s intended message which may not be true to the target audience due to biases.

Sometimes, I see that virtual platforms like the Facebook, Twitter or blogs cause one to be narcissistic. Instead of using them as platforms for contacting with friends sincerely, they become platforms for adding as many friends as possible to show one’s popularity on Facebook, deliberately posting certain information to give people the impression that one is knowledgeable, smart or wise, providing updates on many activities to show that one is attractive and well sought after. It is indeed fine to want to show one’s positive traits to others, wanting to be seen as good. However, overdoing it only emphasizes on one’s insecurity and low self esteem. Sometimes, it brings mockery from sharper and experienced people who see through the veil of narcissism to self. This may also blow one’s flaws out of proportion through such exaggeration on certain self proclaimed positive traits and praises. He may be seen as a virtual jest at worst.

New media, itself, is neutral. It depends on our purposes and approach. If it is used for the service of people, spreading good news, proclaiming truth out of Love with sensitivity to others’ feelings and culture, it is a powerful good tool to reach out to many people. If it is for self serving intention with hidden agendas or biases or ill political motives, it is destructive tool that ruins many lives, leading to conflicts and wars. When new media is used with the Spirit of Love, it will never be abused for self centered uses. It seeks harmony and spread the good news to improve the quality of life of others and self. It promotes goodness. Basically, the ten commandments can be applied not just in real life but also in the virtual world. Nowadays, crimes can be committed online like cyber sex, cyber rape, intellectual theft, etc. What we think will translate into action most of the time, even online. If we allow the Holy Spirit out of Love to guide us with the choice of our words and materials that we post online, they should result in peace, building and improving lives, strengthening communities and bonds, extending mercy for forgiveness again and again. If the words or materials are not posted with the Spirit of Love, we will see biases, discrimination, harsh languages used, disrespect for others’ privacy, discordance, division among people, fights and wars, narcissism or distortion of self which drift away from the true self, scandals, smearing others’ reputation, revenge. Thus, commandments carried out with the Spirit of Love will guide us our behaviour and choice of materials to be posted and languages used in the virtual world. Beside, one must be reminded that the virtual world can never replace the reality that we live in. We are living in the tangible world created by God. Many things can never be done online such as having quiet time with God through the nature surrounded by the flora and fauna by using our five senses to experience them. New media is not accessible to many people in the world, such as the poor in the developing countries or in certain areas within developed countries. We still have to step out of our virtual world to reach out to these people. New media can also never replace our face to face meeting with our loved ones and friends. The materials and words we post online only help us to connect with people instantly out of convenience. They are abstract afterall. Love can truly be translated from being abstract to real and tangible through our bodies. Language of Love can be expressed effectively in many ways other than words, such as spending quality time together, purchasing gifts, doing something for loved ones and friends, etc. The body is the temple for the Spirit. If virtual world is adequate to share Love, what is the point of having the body? We are still human beings with five senses and we still need to experience the abstract Love through using our bodies to express this abstract Love into tangible expression of Love for us to experience it to be more real through our five senses with personal warmth and touch. Virtual world confines within the cold gadgets or hardwares. How warm can it be without touching a real tangible person with bodily temperature and touch? We are still social animals who need touch and warmth.

If you have been hiding in the virtual world for too long, time to get out of it for some sunshine and warmth with your loved ones and friends in the real world which is part of God’s creation. If not, you may end up as cold as the hardware or gadgets that you are using for communication. The social skills will deteriorate in the real world if they are not used often. Also, be careful with how we use the new media. Are we connecting with others or disconnecting from the others through escapism from the real world into the virtual world? Do our choice of materials and worlds posted online build and improve life or destroy life? That’s all for my sharing. Have a great weekend ahead! I am going to have my great weekend away from my virtual world to the real world with a movie with my friend tomorrow and my exploration of the nature at Pulau Ubin with my hiking kaki. I am also very delighted to win the lucky draw for the first time throughout my life so far. That is a pair of tickets to Marvel- The Avengers. That is a little miracle from God as a gift of Love to me. Hurray! More good things are coming!! Have a blessed weekend!

With Love,
Elena

Finally, Out of the Tomb!!

I would like to start my blog entry by thanking all my friends and loved ones for being there to support and encourage me during the past five months of my unemployment. Sorry, guys, for putting up with my nonsense at times. This period of five months has been really tough for me. I have finally settled myself in a Japanese MNC in Jurong East. Yes, it is indeed far for me. I am literally travelling from East to West of Singapore. Since the MRT system is no longer reliable due to frequent breakdowns and delays, I tried to take a bus from my home to the workplace this morning. My gosh!! It took me at least two hours to reach Jurong East interchange and another 15 mins to walk to my office. However, I am still glad that I have found a job. I cannot expect to have a perfect job where the workplace is near my house and I like the job scope at the same time. I am starting work on 2 May and I am looking forward to a fresh start in my career.

Jesus was in the tomb for three days before he was resurrected. During my unemployment for five months, I did have a taste of how it was like to be in a tomb, especially, in my career. I could imagine that when in a tomb, one would be feeling lonely, cold and dark though there might be people walking with you. Nevertheless, they could never die with you. You still have to face certain matters like death, illnesses, unemployment, etc. in life. Nobody can ever replace you in going through such events. Yes, I felt the loneliness, coldness and darkness during my five months of unemployment. I got told off or even put down by interviewers, no reply after sending countless resumes, and even insinuated or condescended by some close friends. Sometimes, I did doubt about my ability though I generally would not be affected by people’s personal attack.

Though we are all human beings and not human doing, it is definitely true that inertia for too long will cause depression in the long run. When we have something with certain purposes to do, we will focus on the tasks to be done with objectives and harness our energies and turn these energies into productive results that serve others for the love of God. When a person is inert for too long, his mind will wander without any control and anything productive. Instead of being stagnant, I did try to reach out to friends who needed help from time to time so that I would not fall so down that I became depressed. The best medicine for pulling oneself out of the spiral of downs would be to stop focusing on one’ own negative feelings for too long but to reach out to help others who need support or help in any ways so that one’s world can expand beyond self and connect with the others’ and he will not feel the loneliness unbearable.

I am finally resurrected in terms of my career. There were many times when I did want to give up looking for a job that matched my personality and abilities the best as advised by my previous reporting officers and settle myself down into any job which I loathed and got myself tortured again like how tortured I had been feeling for the past 7 years of my working life. I could not help it but felt worthless at times though I know very well my own worthiness is not based on what I do but who I am as a child of God. Once again, my ex reporting officer’s advice kept on ringing in my head, ‘Don’t be someone you are not. Don’t keep doing something you cannot. It will keep on coming back to haunt you, just like what had been happening to my friend until she got herself a job which matched her personality and abilities.’ There were many times I was feeling so down that I simply rot at home. Somehow, meditating on God’s word and regular prayers did help. I did not rot at home for long. Somehow, some energy, I would believe, would have been the Holy Spirit, pushed me to reach out to others or do something to keep my mood up. During this period of cooping in the ‘tomb’, I have learnt that regular prayers and time with God through meditation on the Word would prevent me from falling too deep into depression. Such acts serve as reminders that God is always there for me though I may not feel His presence. Besides, by hanging in there for God’s time to bless me with the job, it enables me to know better what I want in life instead of short changing myself by settling into any job which may repeat the vicious cycle of unhappiness in my career.

The other thing is I did not journey alone. My friends would drag me out of the ‘tomb’ from time to time. One friend brought me to Goodwood Park Hotel to treat me to high tea buffet and my favourite durian puffs and crepe to celebrate her birthday. A few others reminded me to be patient and wait for God’s time to bless me with a job. And, a few others treated me to Starbucks coffee and meals at times. As usual, I do not express my gratitude much directly to them. Basically, I am really thankful for their efforts and time to cheer me up. Some posted positive comments and encouragement on my Facebook. This enables me to see clearly that no Christian journey should be travelled alone. We need brothers and sisters to journey with us and pick one another up from time to time.

Finally, after five months in the tomb with my unemployment, I am seeing light in my career. I am getting myself out of the ‘tomb’ by getting into the private sector which many reporting officers and even job recruiters advised that my personality matches the best with. Besides, it is a field which I have always wanted to develop in which is corporate communication. The plus point of this Japanese MNC is they believe in Corporate Social Responsibility. I have just signed my appointment letter for this job this morning. Every staff has to fulfil at least one hour of social responsibility through any charity work. Personally, I always believe that community work is essential for the growth of working adults and building bonds among colleagues. There were some organizations I worked with did not go for social responsibility. What I realize is those staff seemed to have forgotten that they were blessed to be healthy and count their blessings and tend to whine alot. They tend to be more self centered at work. The bond among them was not strong. For those organizations which practise corporate social responsibility, the bond among staff is stronger since they come together to do something meaningful for the less fortunate ones and they find more meaning in their work since they are reminded through such community work that it benefits the community. In fact, I am glad to see that I have to fulfil one hour of corporate social responsibility every year since I tend to be very task oriented and forget I am a human with compassion too. Such yearly activity helps me to keep in touch with the human side of me and serves as a platform for me to help the less fortunate ones.

With the light shed on my career through my new job, I am more hopeful that other areas of my life will also improve slowly. The other area I hope to see light is my romantic relationship. I hope that men looking for fling or flirt will stay out of my way. I get annoyed and disgusted by such men. Recently, I got harassed by someone whom I did not know through smses. I gave him warning directly and told him I had no interest in being friends with him. I really hope that I will not have some weird guys coming to me with some weird expression or words which scare me off, especially at work. I am just a plain Jane. Nothing special or attractive about me. If I am willed by God to get married, I just hope to have a serious relationship with the man who is willed to be my spouse. If I am called to be single, I also would not want any fling with any men. I am happy alone. I believe that if I am right with God, and love and accept myself as who I am, I will attract the right man. If not, my life will be forever screwed up and attract all sorts of Tom, Dick or Harry who just want to have fling or sexual pleasure with me. I will never ever allow anyone to abuse me in any ways as I am a precious child of God.

Now, I really see light in my life by first setting myself right in my career by using my talents and gifts in my job and growing with organization which my personality can fit in. My new chapter of life starts with this Easter and I will continue to seek improvement on other areas of my life by first loving and accepting my true self. I know I can do it with God!!

With Love,

Elena

A Resurrected Self As A Child of God out of Love Despite Ridicule & Difficulties With This Easter

Happy Easter to all of you! May you continue to carry this glimmer of hope within you through your life through the resurrection of Jesus Christ who had died for us out of Love and conquered death in glory! What else can be greater than such victory that Jesus has won for us? How do I spend my 40 days in my desert during the Lent period? My focus was more on finding and accepting myself as who I am despite ridicule, difficulties through the desert. It is not easy. Sometimes, I really feel like falling back into the vicious cycle as it is the easiest way out. What do I mean by that?


I treasure friendship alot. Most of the time, when I am criticized or insulted in any ways by friends or loved ones, I choose not to confront them directly, unlike my professional self where I tend to be assertive and tough. I have endured some negative remarks from some of my friends for a decade, some for two years, etc. Recently, I guess I have decided I have to raise this issue with some of my closer friends as it is time for them to grow up to be more tactful since their communication seems to be affecting their relationships with others and even professionally. I have been constantly reminded of my flaws such as my nose is flat, my legs are fat, my figure looks like a man, my teeth are crooked, etc. Yes, they are facts and I have accepted them. But, it does not mean that I enjoy such comments from time to time. What can I do to them? If you ask me if I will ever go for plastic surgery, I would give a definite ‘No’ unless I am disfigured. To me, plastic surgery is meant for people who are disfigured in some ways through accidents or from any deformity or diseases. If I go for certain correction, it would be for my teeth as my tooth brush has problem reaching certain parts of my teeth causing dental problems.

I know that I am not pretty according to worldly standards. Even I tend I fail in terms of physical attraction since I am also well known for high standard towards beauty. It does not matter. The fact that God creates me and I still exist shows that God sees beauty in me in some ways which most people fail to see. Yes, when I was younger, I did have people asking me to be a model, air stewardess because of my height and what they claimed my nice long legs. There was even a joke that when some of my friends saw my primary school photo, they commented,’ What happen to you now?’ meaning that why I look so different now (uglier lah) as I used to be very fair with big eyes. So what? Friends who know me well know that I do not go for limelight and I do not like to show off. To me, there is nothing to show off. The fact is that I will age and my appearance will change. Why should I focus so much on something which I have got no control over and fret over it? But, nobody likes to be constantly put down with such flaws repeatedly, especially by close friends. I believe close friends do not keep on giving such negative remarks which tear me down instead of trying to correct me or helping me to improve. During this period of Lent, I was pretty straightforward towards close friends who once again repeated such words to put me down. I think it is time for them to learn to be more tactful so that their relationships with the others will also improve and for me to be more assertive in my social life.

I am still searching for a job now. It seems that there is this glimmer of light shining as one Japanese MNC seems to be interested in hiring me. Since the MNC has already arranged for interviews with a few more candidates in this coming week, I have to wait for their reply till the end of this coming week. This MNC was recommended by a recruitment agency. This MNC has called the agency to check how interested I was in this position and this agency has come back to me that the interviewer is quite positive about me. The place of work is in Jurong East, really far away from where I stay. But, I am really interested in this position as it is something I am looking for in the department of Corporate Communication. After going through the organization website and interview, their values seem to gel with mine. My agency is also requesting for quite a decent pay for me. Now, it is up to the hiring personnel’s decision. Anyway, I have another interview with a statutory board for a marketing position on this Tuesday. I am looking forward to it. I should say that for many times, I have thought of just getting back into any administrative job just for the income and getting into the vicious cycle of hating my job, hating my life, doing something which I am really bad in, like what I have doing in my career for the past 7 years. Somehow, the advice given by my previous reporting officer keeps on ringing in my mind, ‘If you continue to do what you are really bad in and try to be who you are not, it will keep on coming back to haunt you just like how it has haunted my friend until she found a job she could do.’ So, here I am, I continue to press on and send countless resumes for the jobs which I know I can do well as advised by my previous reporting officers from my previous organizations. It is easier and more tempting to get back into vicious cycle of just getting any administrative jobs which I suck at doing and quitting my job again after one year after being rejected by organizations or no response from the organizations for the application of the positions for the past 4 months. It is easy to give up waiting for the job I can do as who I am. But, who will suffer? Nobody else but me. It is really not easy to truly acknowledge I am not good in certain things like paperwork in my case and to look for something which I know I can do. It really takes a lot of patience and faith as I can get rather despondent as times. Sometimes, some interviewers would further put me down. I really hope to see miracle in my career.

The recruitment agency which recommended me the position in the Japanese MNC made some comments on me when she first saw me before my interview with the MNC. She asked me to put on a smile as I looked strong. She felt I was a strong character. When she talked to me over the phone to fix a date for our interview, she could feel I was a strong character and she was interested to see me. I explained to her my concern instead of keeping quiet. I explained to her I did not smile when seeing her at first as I almost fell twice on my way up to her office. Besides, I was quite tensed up as I only had less than two hours to go for the interview with the MNC after ours and I needed to find out where the MNC was. How could I smile under such condition? I also explained to her I also did not know what interviewers wanted. Some interviewers commented that I looked tanned and therefore, they concluded they would not hire me as I seemed to be too active while some interviewers expected me to be active and jovial when I appeared quiet. Some employers expected me to be quiet and introverted and regretted hiring me as they realized I was outgoing and jovial on the job which they did not like. So, who am I supposed to be? I explained I would smile when I saw interviewers but needed to scan the interviewers before I know how I should behave and talk or whether I could joke since I tend to joke alot during interviews. After listening to my explanation, she was shocked by what I used to face before but I told her I would take note of her comments. This time round, I spoke up for myself as I tend to be misunderstood and kept quiet just to want to get a job. By explaining more, she could understand me better and help me to find jobs that suit my temperament and working style better. If I keep quiet, she will keep on having the wrong impression of me. I guess it will also help her to understand other candidates better and try not to schedule the interviews too tight.

The other area I hope to see miracle is in my romantic relationship. I really hope to overcome certain fears and have the confidence to get into healthy romantic relationship. My close friends know that I have never looked out for nice looking guys even when I was in Secondary school. In fact, throughout my life, I have never looked up to any celebrity or anyone as my idols. Some friends around me would ask me to look out for some guys who are good looking or eloquent or popular but I am simply not interested in it. My mentality is what is the point of salivating at these attractive guys? All I can do is to admire them as art pieces. I do not dream to get close to them or try to find ways to befriend them. Some guys who think they are popular and attractive think that I am trying to get close to them, like other women. They are absolutely wrong if they think so. To me, I do not have such fantasy or delusion to get them to be my boyfriends. Never. Sometimes, I am even amused by the women following them day and night. It is as if they were gigolos and these lonely women who are inferior in some ways need these men to boost their own self esteem. Most of them are married and I really pity their spouses. Personally, I often look for something deeper in a romantic partner, like faith in God, character, maturity, values, integrity, authenticity, altruism, mental rapport, owning responsibilities, humility, etc. Good looks will fade with time afterall. I believe if I am right with God, and love and accept myself as who I am as created by God, I will attract the right guy as blessed by God. I have never believed in looking for a man desperately to be my spouse due to my age or changing myself according to the preference of the man I like or his desired image of his spouse or marrying for the sake of marrying. Marriage is not a game and I do not believe in divorce. Marriage is a blessing from God. I do hope to experience life deeper by experiencing life as a spouse, mother, etc. Life is an adventure. It is meant to be explored and experienced with risks. If I live in fear that marriage may fail, I will never get to experience life to the fullest and I continue to live in fear. No pain, no gain. I rather risk it all as I believe God will always be there to help if the marriage is blessed by God.

I am looking forward to miracles in these areas. I believe God loves me. I am still out of the church. I am happy God has never abandoned me. As it is Easter Day today, I decided to bring the statue of the Holy Family embraced by the wing of an angel for a priest to bless. I really wanted to receive grace from God through the blessing of a priest on this item I have bought a few weeks ago on this special day of Jesus’ resurrection. Through the apps, I found that there was a Korean mass at 12 noon at the Cathedral of the Good Shepherd. I would expect a Korean priest to be still around at 1.30pm since I woke up late today. When I reached there, I saw some Korean Catholics having fellowship. I tried to ask one of them for a priest. She could not understand English but she asked someone else to help me. I explained I was looking for a priest to bless the statute with my gesture of signing a cross on the item. This lady led me to a Korean priest. The lady explained to him I needed him to bless my statue. I could not explain the joy within me as he was blessing the statute with reverence in silence. It was very beautiful to experience God’s grace through the blessing by the priest with reverence even though we had language barriers. After the blessing, the priest smiled and wished me Happy Easter Day. No words could describe the gratitude in me and how touched I was from such blessing from him and making his efforts to wish me in English. I also appreciated the ladies who helped me to get the priest to bless the item. It shows that despite language barrier and different nationalities, we could still make the efforts to help one another to enjoy the blessings from God as a big universal Catholic family. I thank God for such experience with Koreans. I really enjoy my Easter Day. I really hope to go back to church one day. I know it will come.

Enough of my sharing. Happy Easter Day to all! God is wonderful. Hurray! My friend is treating me high tea at Goodwood Park Hotel tomorrow for her birthday celebration. You may wonder why she treats me instead of vice versa. The reason is my saving is running really low and she wants me to celebrate her birthday with her. I love durians and she knows. I shall indulge myself with the durian pastries with her tomorrow. After that, we will proceed to Party world KTV to sing our lungs out. On Tuesday, I go for an interview again. Hopefully, by the end of the week, I receive good news of being hired. Meanwhile, I read more professional articles to pick up the language and style of writing as I am required to do some writing professionally. At the same time, I am still on my books on Between Heaven and Mirth, and A Dangerous Method. I also catch up my readings on iDom portal by the Dominicans brothers and priests, from blog by Fr Rolheiser, Words on Fire, etc. I think I need to start exercising in the stadium as I have a 5km Fun Run at the Singapore Flyer in this coming Saturday morning. No matter what, life is beautiful with Love that conquers death. So, can any trials and tribulations in life be ever greater than Jesus who had conquered death and resurrected in glory out of Love? You decide. God bless.

With Love,

Elena Foo

Mirth on Earth as In Heaven

Just went for an interview yesterday. There was a panel of four interviewers for the interview. Hopefully, I can get the job. The nature of the job is more outgoing which suits me more. I was quite happy when they told me I will be required to travel overseas at times and they would not expect me to have family commitment and further studies if I were to be hired. I really hope I can get such job as I feel I am more at ease with such nature of job which requires me to travel overseas and liaise with different people of different cultures. However, I was quite shocked when I was asked to go for a written test which lasted for 15 mins immediately after the interview. I did not expect the test. The test was about writing an essay on how I have handled difficult customer in my work life. The interviewer wished me good luck for my test. I really pray hard to get the job.


I have been reading alot about the Catholic faith and meditating on the Word during this Lent period. One thing that strikes me is about joy. I remember advising a friend as she told me Catholicism focuses alot on suffering and it was rather depressing. She even got the wrong impression that she had to suffer in order to be a good Catholic. Sometimes, she even deliberately caused self inflicted suffering so as to show that she was a good Catholic. I think she has missed the whole point of Catholicism. God has never wanted us to suffer and be depressed or sad so as to be a good Catholic. In fact, it is through the acceptance of the suffering out of one’s free will in Love that one is resurrected in glory like Jesus. The emphasis is more on the acceptance of God’s will and go according to the divine plan rather than the suffering itself which may not be in God’s plan. It is also on loving and accepting as oneself as who he is even if it goes against his own desires and desired self image which are not congruent with God’s plan. God knows the best even beyond our understanding and better than us knowing ourselves for He is the Creator and a loving Father.

Self inflicted suffering comes when we do not accept certain things that happen in our lives and we insist on hanging on to the issues and people to be let go and let God. I remember watching On Call 36 Hours Hong Kong Drama series. I agree that not all healthy people are happy and not all sickly people are unhappy. Of course, it may take some time for us to come to terms with certain conditions such as contracting with terminal diseases, losing loved ones through death, unemployment, etc. Yes, we should acknowledge our feelings of sadness, anger, depression and other negative feelings for a period of time instead of suppressing or denying them. Then, we bring them up to God for God to shed light on those areas asking for God to heal us. Sometimes, if necessary, we may need to be humble enough to get professional help. And, we allow people to walk with us through those difficult times. That is what it means by carrying our crosses. It is not about deliberately looking for suffering and acting like some martyrs to show others that we are carrying our crosses and we look holy.

After we have allowed God to shed light on those areas, God will show us the Way. When one door is closed, another will open. Sometimes, it requires one to be patient as it is in God’s time to answer our prayers. When the door is not opened, you may have knocked on the wrong door. Then, ask God to guide you to the right door. If you insist on the closed door, then you are causing that self inflicted suffering that leads you to misery. From acknowledging our vulnerabilities or issues to waiting for another right door to be opened in God’s time, it entails necessary suffering of waiting in seemingly bleak period of time and space making one feeling like living in ‘purgatory’. Such ‘purgatory’ is necessary for us to make redemptive sacrifices by detaching ourselves from some people, fame, popularity, bad habits and other things that we have been clinging dearly to in our lives so far to purify our souls and therefore, our love from a self centered one to become more and more Christ centered one. This is also what it means by carrying one’s cross.

Ultimately, it will lead to resurrection of oneself through such death to oneself in glory. One can truly enjoy the joy within living according to God’s divine plan for us even if it goes against our desires which we think are the best for ourselves when they are actually not according to God’s plan. Then, why do some of us think that Catholicism is all about suffering and dying which seems like Catholicism is bleak, depressing ? It is due to too much focus on the suffering and the process of it with its negative emotions? The focal point should be on joy with hope in the resurrection after the suffering and death to oneself. We should rejoice to be chosen as children of God who will never be forsaken. Since Jesus has conquered death through his willingness to suffer and die for all of our sins, we should be filled with joy that we have such loving Father who has never abandoned us to sins and death and that Jesus has salvaged us from eternal doom. He has loved us so much that He has sent His Only Son to die for us. Those who are parents will understand the pain of sacrificing their children in any ways. Imagine how ‘painful’ God must have ‘felt’ in ‘seeing’ His Son dying for us out of Love. And yet, He is willing to go through such ‘pain’ of sacrificing His Only Son just because He loves the sinful human beings like us capable of sinning again and again. What have we done to deserve such immense Love? This should fill us deep in joy that we are chosen to be children of God who are capable of sinning again and again that He is still willing to sacrifice His Only Son for all of us. And, we also resurrect with Jesus through death to our sinful selves by making conscious efforts and decisions to die to our sins again and again so that we will not be held captive by the sins leading us to doom but to rise with Jesus in renewed hope. Shouldn’t we be joyful to be able to live each day as God’s gift to us so that we still have the opportunities to fix broken relationships with others and deal with other issues that break us down constantly so that when we leave this world, we will not leave with regrets?

I am reading a book on Between Heaven and Mirth by a Jesuit. It is true that there is humour in the parables. As familiarity breeds contempt, we overlook the humour in the bible. Meditating on certain parts of the Psalms bring us joy. As quoted from the book, Humour is a prelude to faith, and laughter is the beginning of prayer. I always like to laugh at the jokes created by the priests during the homily. There was one occasion when I embarrassed myself by laughing loudly at Fr Paul Goh’s joke and nobody else laughed. Then, I stopped myself from laughing. Fr Paul Goh asked me to laugh heartily as it was meant as a joke and we should laugh with our hearts’ content. And, I continued to laugh. Eucharistic celebration is meant to be a joyful occasion to meet Jesus. Sometimes, I wonder why the whole atmosphere seems to be too solemn as if we were attending a funeral. Of course, we have to participate in it with reverence and yet be joyful. Sometimes, I even saw some people scolding others during the Eucharistic celebration and I have never seen these people smiling in general. I thought people who are loved by God should be joyful. Where has that joy gone to? Does it mean that life’s trials and tribulations are greater than God’s love?

It is healthy to learn to laugh at ourselves at times. By learning to laugh at ourselves, we do not live in constant tension and always carry the gloom on our faces. Sometimes, I like to laugh at my own figure, telling my friend Singapore should thank me for its best airport in the world with such a flat runway like my figure for the planes to take off smoothly. I ever applied for jobs at CAAS. I even joked that they would regret not employing me as they are losing a smooth ‘runway’ like me. My friends would always laugh without fail. Sometimes, I even crack such jokes with my team in times of stress at work so that we would not feel so tensed up under such abusive boss. That is why my supervisor told me she would miss my wacky jokes when I left the organization. Perhaps, that is why one of the Polytechnic lecturers told me he always felt that I was free and I joked with him of course, I was free as I was unemployed. He slapped his forehead and exclaimed when he mentioned I was free, he meant I was free spirited. By learning to laugh at ourselves at times, though we are facing the harsh reality, we will not suffocate ourselves to death and we may see things from another angle which give us fresh perspectives and even creative solutions. Sometimes, when the lessons were too boring in school, I would suddenly laugh quietly to myself as I was imaging things about my tutors. My friends asked me what I was laughing at and I shared with them and we laughed. Then, lessons would not be boring anymore. I often scored better in subjects taught by teachers who were humorous.

All of us have our own pain and issues in life. By appearing solemn and gloomy does not mean that I am a serious holy Catholic. Who would you approach; a poor Catholic who is filled with joy or a wealthy Catholic who looks gloomy and keeps complaining about everyone and everything? It depends on your mentality and approach towards life. Once again, I quote from the On Call 36 Hours show, not all healthy people are happy and not all sickly people are unhappy. Joy can be experienced when one loves and accepts himself as who he is and does God’s will even if his desires goes against God’s will as God who loves us so immensely that He sent His Only Son to die for our sins so that we would not be eternally separated from Him. Only He will lead us to joy not just to heaven but also here on earth. When we obey God’s will, we will go through the necessary suffering with joy deep within as we know that God will lead us to eternal life while we enjoy every small miracles here on earth instead of lamenting on what we do not have or suffering from misery insisting on becoming who we are not. Learn to see humour in life so that we will be more free spirited even laughng at ourselves. Then, it will be easier to carry the cross.

Hey, I have watched a comedy alone after the interview yesterday. The show was This Means War. I had a good laugh with the other people in the cinema throughout the whole show. If you need a good laugh, this is a nice show for such good laugh. I have been feeling down since my unemployment. Instead of allowing the situation to drag me down the spiral of depression, I would always look for ways to cheer myself up or reach out to the others who need help so that I will not indulge myself into self pity or focus too much on myself that I hide in my own small world becoming self centered. You, too, no matter how down you are feeling now, try to find ways to cheer yourself up or help others to count your blessings. The world is not about me but about us, especially in the realm of Christianity. The quality of life is much higher with the ability to laugh at myself and even laugh at the problems that these problems will never be too great to overwhelm us.

Cheer up, man! Lead life to the fullest with joy deep within for you are chosen and loved by God who never forsakes you. Nobody is too worthless to be loved by God with the fact that you are created by God. He is perfect. Therefore, there is no such thing as making a mistake in creating you. Love yourself and love others as yourself. The most important of all is Love God. Let’s continue to do our penance with repentance and joy deep within as we are approaching the Easter Sunday next week. Hurray! I love you, Jesus!! Oh, by the way, it is my spiritual birthday today as I was baptised to be part of the unviersal Catholic family on this day in 1997. Happy Birthday to myself!!

With Love,

Elena

Embracing My True Self

Will be going for a movie marathon at Orchard alone for the first time tonight since I have always had friends going with me. Nothing much I can do in Singapore especially when my saving is running really low though I have a lot of things in mind that I want to do like picking up French again, dancing, art, piano, etc. but need money. My job search has not been smooth as I want to make this job search my last round in life before I settle myself down in a job for the rest of my life. Most of the jobs that I have gone for interviews were very administrative which is not my strength but has been torturing me for seven years of my work life. So, here I am, still jobless and hopeless. Hopefully, I can succeed in my job interview on next Wednesday as that job is less administrative and more outgoing which suits my temperament and character. I really find Singapore very boring till I get sick. Not much to explore. Whenever I go overseas, I will always feel like a free bird and myself where I can roam freely. I do not deny nowhere is as safe as Singapore. But, safety is not priority in my life. What I have always looked for is exposure or exploration of the vast world. I have always dreamt to travel around the world with my life partner. Well, I am still fine with travelling alone if I am willed to be single.


I was given a free ticket to a movie titled A Dangerous Method with the purchase of the book. To me, it was a gift from God. I enjoyed watching the show. It is rated M18, meaning that expect some degree of nudity in the show if you intend to watch it. I was quite disgusted with some parts of the show where the female leading role playing as Sabrina Spielrein was nude having sexual intercourse with Carl Jung enjoying being spanked by him. I thought it was too raw to be displayed for viewing and yet I felt certain sympathy towards Sabrina as such perverse enjoyment of being abused stemmed from her childhood abuse by her father. Yes, this story touches on various aspects of psychoanalysis discussed by the roles like Carl Jung, Sigmund Freud and Sabrina Spielrein which I enjoyed the most. But, my attention span did not allow me to catch all the details discussed during the show to my frustration. As usual, too much went through my mind as I was watching the show. The show was also basically about the turbulent relationships of Sabrina with Jung and Freud. You would enjoy the show if you are interested in psychology, especially about sexuality, how childhood affects the sexuality and psychoanalysis.

Personally, I also learnt something from Jung with his recurring adultery with different women. Though Sabrina left the adulterous relationship with Jung to marry a Russian physician, it did not stop Jung from getting involved with another woman who resembled Sabrina. Why did it keep recurring that he still got himself involved with another woman though he was married and Sabrina had left him? I gathered that he did not solve the root of the problem. He only treated the symptoms by satisfying superficially certain areas of his life through such adulterous relationships. Maybe, his spouse had not satisfied him in some ways. Maybe, his issues were so deeply rooted that he was not even aware of them or he simply ignored such issues or he did not know what to do. In my own life, I saw how certain men went around flirting with women even if they are married or are not available for marriage in some ways. Some know that they are very unhappy inside and even expressed their pain and yet they still refuse to acknowledge and deal with those dark areas. You will see them getting themselves involved with different women to satisfy their superficial wants. As long as they do not face their deeply rooted issues which may also stem from their negative relationships with their parents or caregivers or past romantic relationships, you will see them in such inappropriate relationships. It is sad to see them going through lives not leading life to the fullest carrying such burdens and pain deep inside them. Some of them are really good people and kind by nature. And yet, it can be understood why they still get themselves involved with such inappropriate relationships. Actually, instead of going for limelight or popularity or fame which do not fulfil their needs or attention deep within and only making themselves more and more greedy for such fame, popularity and limelight with more and more prominent thirst screaming to be quenched inside, they may be better off getting married where their spouses can grow intimately with them and heal them slowly with God in the marriages, also helping them to enjoy their hidden selves through such intimate relationships. A spouse is supposed to bring out the best out of you by first accepting the whole package of you, including the not so nice traits. Then, you may develop healthier egos as a man. How deep and long can these women from the inappropriate relationships, fame, fans, popularity or limelight go into your psychic to heal you emotionally, mentally and spiritually? Yes, God can heal. And yet, it will only tear a person apart by getting healing from God with time alone with Him or in church and still sinning by getting involved with inappropriate relationships causing hurt to self and others even deeper at the same time.

I have just read an article on What is character and how does it change? Basically, transformation in the character also consists of the emotional realm of a person. Repressing emotions or denial will only corrupt the character and even the spiritual state of a person. Such repression or denial will manifest these feelings in the negative or even perverse behaviour through the daily life and the character will never go through transformation though I may keep on praying for God to heal me and never look at my emotional area. If emotional area of my life is useless, God would not have created that area as part of me. It takes a lot of courage and bravery to face my dark areas. But, once I take that painful step to face it with openness to God, God will shed light on that area and heal me. The change must come from within so that I can truly be transformed and healed with conscious efforts to change or modify my behaviour.

The period of Lent is coming to an end soon with the Easter Sunday on 8 April 2012. But, transformation does not stop there. Lent period to me is to be more conscious of repentance and penance. My unemployment and low saving force me to cut down on my activities and quiet down to spend much time alone looking into the deeper issues of my life. I do chat with God through prayers about my vulnerability and needs. Struggling along the way especially when I am out of church and pretty much alone. But, I am blessed to have friends encouraging me along the way when I get hay wired at times. I do regret certain things in life. I do miss certain people alot in life. But, I do not just lament in regrets. I try my best not to repeat those mistakes on other people. If these people whom I miss are still in my life, I will fix the broken relationships and love them even better and more.

I do not mind admitting that I hope to have my own family. Sometimes, I do not see the meaning of going through the humiliation and working like a bull at work just to earn money supporting my needs and contributing to my parents. Personally, I find more meaning in earning more money if my money is for my own children and family with a spouse. Only then, any insults, hardwork or hardship faced at work become meaningful as sacrifices for the growth of my family and children. I do see deep meaning of working hard with a spouse to build and nurture the love nest. It is something deep which you can’t do with friends or anyone. Yes, I do see and hear horror stories from the victims of abuse and divorce. Somehow, I still believe in marriage. I feel that life without marriage and carrying a foetus in the womb is never complete as a woman. I am not saying being single is not good. It has its own calling and mission through such consecration of being single. With a family, especially with children, it is not possible to be self centered to live in my own ways and yet expecting the family to be healthy and loving. One must expand oneself to embrace the spouse and children as part of the expanded self through the covenant of marriage even if I do not like certain traits of my children and spouse. Of course, I must not neglect my needs and have to work with my spouse and family to meet my needs so that I will be healthy to contribute to my family and the society. Basically, my spouse is my confessor where I share my intimate self with him, including my vulnerability. If pride or self centeredness gets in the way in marriage, I realize that my spouse and I are living our own separate ways as if we were still single. So, what is the point of getting married? This is how I see marriage. It is a spiritual wealth and blessing to grow with my spouse from loving couple with fire and passion in our love to seeing wrinkles on my spouse holding hands as old couple with love that is as gentle as stream through going through thick and thin in life journey together as depicted in the marriage vow. No amount of money can buy such wealth and not everyone is blessed with it.

That is all for my sharing. As long as we live, it is never too late to open our dark areas for God’s healing with the support and help from friends or loved ones. Sometimes, it even means to go against the norms to be true to oneself inviting insults, condemnation from others at times. Only truth stands with time. All insults or condemnation will go away as they are false bias according to others’ expectations. God is more powerful than anyone. If you are right with God, He will bless you with the daily bread. He will bless you with loved ones and true friends to stand by you and love you as who you are. All people err. It is just a matter of having the courage to learn from the mistakes and walk the truth through repentance and truth or hide as a coward with all the pain and burdens so heavy that you can no longer go upwards to heaven but to go downwards to hell even after you are dead.

Get more sleep now so that I will be ready for my movie marathon alone tonight. Hurray!! May you have a fruitful weekend!! God loves you and I love you all too.

With Love,

Elena

Purifying Love through Mistakes and Failed Relationships

Just came back from Batam in the last evening. As usual, it was a very last minute trip. We decided to go for the trip and my friend arranged for the ferry and accommodation very early in the morning yesterday. Maybe, God knows that I need to be away from Singapore for this much needed break before I continue with the job search. Nowadays, applying for jobs is different from the past. Sometimes, when I went for some administrative jobs which were desk bound, the interviewers commented that I looked tanned and concluded that I was an active person. Therefore, I was not suitable for the jobs. If not, some of them looked at my results and told me I overqualified. Some even asked me why I do not go for further studies. I even went for production operation jobs. I did not even mind the jobs which was why I went for the interviews and yet I got such comments. Does it mean that I have to bleach myself and look fragile so that they will employ me for desk bound jobs? Can’t they see that the fact I flunked my GCE A Level exams and the fact that I was a Normal Stream student proved that I am not smart and thus, I am suitable for the jobs advertised? Ok, I am stuck now. In some of my previous jobs, even my RO told me I looked more like a supervisor when I had never proven that I was competent or smart and I kept my mouth shut most of the time. Some even claimed that I acted mature and it was good for me. So, what should I do now? To act like an idiot so as to get employed and try to look fragile and soft? I am really stuck now.


When I was in Batam for the first time on last Friday and yesterday, I saw how poor the people were by observing the living condition of the locals there as the cab was passing by the residential areas. I was very delighted to see a church near my hotel and got excited asking one of the hotel staff if it was a Catholic church. But, he was not sure. I did not have the time to check it. Somehow, seeing a church excited me inside which I do not know why. When I was waiting for the departure time from Batam back to Singapore, I was hanging around the Batam Center Mega Mall. There was an activity going on trying to promote a Christian kindergarten. They were singing some worship songs. I could not help it but left the restaurant where I was going to have lunch with my friend for awhile to join the children singing the worship songs. Somehow, I felt very at home and joyful within. What is happening to me? I have left the church for more than half a year and why I still feel so at home and elated when I saw a church near my hotel and the children singing where I could not help it but to join them singing the worship songs. Maybe, my art therapist was right. I am not religious but that is just my spirituality which will not change even after I have left the church. I see it as God’s gift to keep me close to Him no matter where I am and I feel loved by God for such gift.

I am a very boring person and that explains why I do not really have friends. I do the same thing, go to the same place and do not know how to entertain people. People find me boring. I also find myself boring. Fortunately, I am not married. If not, I do not think my spouse can stand the boring me and will look for other women for some fun and novelty. I am watching this Hong Kong drama series titled On Call 36 hours depicting the situations in the different specialist areas in the hospital and the lives of specialists and patients. I can relate to the show very well as I used to be in and out of the emergency ward or day surgical department quite often as a patient. Moreover, I have come across many people around me who are sick and some of them suffer from rare diseases. Frankly speaking, when looking back at my life so far, people will leave my life once they are getting better or when they die. So far, whether I like it or not, I have to let go. I am pretty sick of it. It is as if I am acting as a counsellor in their lives and once they are well or dead, they will leave me no matter how close they are to me.

One thing strikes me in this On Call 36 hours show. The female leading actress is a specialist and contracted with some rare spinal cord tumour. She did not want to disclose her illness at first due to the fear of being a burden to her loved ones. Then, her boss advised her to disclose it to her loved ones because rather than leaving them living with regrets if she were to be gone suddenly, allowing them to go through it all with her would no doubt burden them but at least, they would not live with regrets for the rest of their lives for not spending the remaining days with her. This is so true. I personally rather go through it all with my loved ones than living with regrets for the rest of my life for not spending time with my loved ones. It reminds me of the regret for not spending time with mummy before she left. I have forgiven myself, she had never blamed me for anything and God has forgiven me. But, the fact is that I am still living with regrets. I used to mind how other teachers gossiped about us, how other students saw us and how others would criticize me even after I had left my Secondary school. I really regret for not talking to her for two years despite her approach towards me in church on alternate Saturdays and in school when I visited some teachers and students occasionally. If time can be reversed, I would ignore all gossips and how people saw me and would have spent her remaining days with her when she approached me. I rather go through it all with her while giving her the privacy and space she needed.

I am not sure why I am always put in some rare situations that most of my friends do not face. If I am not careful, I will easily ruin another person’s life or rumours will be spread very quickly among many people which cause damage to the person’s reputation. Some of them hold certain level of authority. Honestly speaking, I rather mind my own business than to cross their paths. It seems that I have to handle difficult and domineering people which most people cannot handle and yet some of the people around me see that I seem to be able to handle them which most people are being oppressed under them. I am a very simple person. I do not yearn for limelight or recognition. All I pray for is to have my own family with loving spouse and children. Everyone needs a home. I am no exception.

My friend with good intention was giving me advice without looking at my needs and even knowing my expectation in a future spouse. She asked me to lower my expectation. She meant well. But, little did she know that I felt slighted and disconnected more than helped. All I expect in a spouse is a man of strong faith who places God above everyone and everything else to lead me in my faith and the family, is able to establish mental rapport with me, loves and respects me as who I am giving me enough space without abusing me at all and works hard with me to earn money to support the family. I have never yearned for a handsome, wealthy, talented, muscular, popular man with many more positive traits. I am not looking for a saint as my spouse. If I lower my expectation any further, then I can grab any Tom, Dick or Harry as my spouse. I did mention honestly to her about this whole issue. When she was advising me, she was in a mess and her self esteem was hurt. Therefore, though she meant well, the advice she gave was not appropriate. The way she put it pulled me down with her instead of helping me. So, whenever I advise people, I always look at the state of the person, the needs at that time and in general, the person’s temperament and character, etc. I do not force my advice on the person according to what I think is right to all people. Whether he wants to take my advice or not, it is up to him. If God gives me free will, who am I to impose my will on others? I also have to be aware of my own state of mind and heart and take care that I do not pull let my personal feelings and situations drag the other person down. People trust me and look for hope or advice from me which is why they come to me. I have to own my words and actions so that the people will leave me better off rather than worse off after every session. Life is short. I find it meaningless to impose my superiority to show others that I am brilliant and superior to them through giving advice or helping people. Rather, I try to understand them and put myself into their shoes and see how I can try to do my very little part in helping them or even just praying for them if I am not called or not suitable to help them. I also learn from them instead of living in my little world preoccupied with my own ideas and imposing them on others.

On Call 36 hours show also shows the male leading role who was a specialist loved the woman with the spinal cord disease. He said the vow to her despite her condition to spend the rest of his life with her under all circumstances till death part them. Yes, romantic but I am thinking if the woman were to be ugly, poor or deemed stupid, would she still get such faithful and loving man? Be realistic. When a male leading character made sacrifices for the woman he loved in almost every show, the woman in the show would always look at least pretty. Will it still be romantic to the audience if the handsome and talented man made such sacrifices for an ugly, poor or stupid woman?

That is why I have never had too high expectation when it comes to a spouse. I will only accept a man who is willed to be my spouse. I have never tried to force anyone to get into romantic relationship with me or wanted things to go my way. So what if I win the person through seduction, trickery or any other manipulation? I can possess the person as an object but I have never loved him as who he is with any respect for his will. Is his heart with me? Adultery is out of question to me. Yes, it may seem exciting. But, such affairs do not affect just the two people in the relationship but also the people in the married person’s life, especially his children and spouse. They are innocent. Why should they bear the consequences from the wilful and evil acts of mine just due to my feelings of liking or self centered motives? How true can this man be if he can betray his own spouse who sleeps with him daily? I always believe that if a man really loves me, no matter how far he is, his heart always has me. He will never leave me. He will come back to me one day. Even in the midst of temptation, he will love me with fidelity. He will work hard to make the relationship between us to be better. He will go through it all with me and never abandon me. If he does not love me, no matter how tenacious I cling on to him, how I seduce or manipulate him to stay by my side, he will leave me one day. His heart will never be with me. I have never even entered his heart at all. I am only treating him as my object to my desires. What happens between us is just transaction for our desires.

I do have my own fair share of heartbreak. But, by not talking about it does not mean that I do not have any heartbreak. If I am right with God, I believe God will bless me with a spouse who truly loves me. Letting go is painful but necessary when called forth to free myself to be better loved by the man willed to be my spouse. If the person is willed to be my spouse, God will make it happen. This man will work hard to nurture the relationship and stay by my side no matter what happen, no matter how many women tempt him. If not, why torture myself to force the other party into the relationship? It not only deprives myself of meeting the right guy who will truly loves me but also depriving the man involved of his right gal. Sometimes, distance does help to see if you really love the person. Absence will make the heart fonder if he loves you. The love is even more prominent and louder as time passes by. If he loves you, he will come back for you and treasure you. If not, it will only be out of sight, out of mind. Time will tell. So, never rush anyone into relationship with you. I always believe that what does not kill you will only strengthen you. Sometimes, a few relationships fail before you meet the right one so that you will learn to love better and better from mistakes and lessons from every failed relationship and you will learn to truly love the right one when he comes. Those failed relationships being let go serve as a sacrificial love for you to be prepared for the relationship with the right man willed by God. The sacrifices involved in those failed relationships are to learn from one’s mistakes and repentance to be a better and better lover. For me, if I love a person, I will go through it all with him.

Ok, enough of my writing. Sorry for the rojak contents in this blog entry. I just write whenever comes to my mind. No matter where you are, I pray that you will treasure all your loved ones and friends for no one knows if one goes out in the day well will come back well at night. Life is fragile. I hope that you will not live with regrets like me due to silly things like pride, limelight, deceit of self, gossips, etc. If these people are meant to go through life with you, they will go through it all with you. God will bless the relationships. Do not be afraid. Take courage to reconcile and love each other even better.

With Love,

Elena

Influence of People whom We Journey With As Spiritual Companions & Close Friends

Now, I am on a course of strong antibiotics and other medicines for the treatment of two sites of infection. Have been feeling weak and groggy most of the time. So, I take this period of time where I lie on the bed most of the time to do reading from books and iPhone. How I wish I can have an iPad for me to catch up with my reading as the reading from the small screen of my iPhone strains my eyes and causes blur vision at times. There are many useful apps that I have downloaded to learn more about the Catholic faith like the iDoms portal created by Dominican Order, RC Buddy for the daily readings, rosary and prayers, Lent Lite for meditation during the period of Lent, St Augustine Mag for any articles related to the Catholic faith, etc. On top of that, I also downloaded other apps touching on different areas of specialization not related to my faith. Really a lot of reading to catch up. If I cannot afford to travel physically to explore other countries, I explore mentally across different fields.


Nowadays, new media has been widely used as tools for various purposes, connecting with people instantly around the world. In the realm of Catholicism, it has been used for evangelization or sharing of faith by various groups. I observe that how we behave in our lives will also be how we behave online. I remember I was invited to join one church group through Facebook. However, to my frustration of seeing certain behaviour online from those very few people, I withdrew from the group as I do not see the point of joining such group when they further filter the people who are allowed to view some information or photos that are church related. To me, I am wondering it is silly to invite us and yet certain information or photos are shared intimately by what I named them as elites. Such behaviour of theirs can also be observed in their daily interaction with people. If the information or photos shared are so exclusive, they could have formed their own elite group rather than filtering the people they have invited to the Facebook group which I find silly.

Such behaviour shows me one thing. That is discrimination which violates the very essence of Christianity; Sharing God’s Love with everyone with the two commandments of Love God and love neighbours as ourselves. Obviously, there is certain element of politics in the group. I am very selective with who I grow with as close friends or confidante or spiritual companions. I do not look up to influential, wealthy, popular, people to grow with. I do not seek people who will say what pleases me even if I am wrong. I do not seek people who see themselves as elites and play politics in any settings. I know I can never grow with them. In fact, if I continue to stick closely to them, I am wired or influenced even subtly by them with my daily interaction with them, whether I am aware of it or not.

I do reach out to various people. But, I also need people to grow with me and help me to grow as close friends or confidante or spiritual companions. Normally, I look for authenticity or altruism in a person or a group even if they are poor or social outcast before forming close bonds with them. Of course, everyone has his own flaws. I do not expect anyone to be perfect. If I realize that a group has branded itself on elitism or for self glorification where everyone is just all out to please one another for some self centered gains or self inflated egos, I will get out of it as I know I will end up like them away from God though I may act holy superficially to others. It is not surprising to see a lot of politics in such group. The only reason why I stick to them may be due to the fact that I am called to reach out to the others as a group with them and my missions have not been completed and yet I do not look upon them as my examples. These people may be well versed in the knowledge of the faith and I will only learn the head knowledge from them. After my missions are completed, I will leave the group.

I am glad to have friends outside who are not Catholics and yet I see authenticity or altruism in them. They help me to see the different aspects of Christ. They are basically good people but somehow, they never respond to God or become part of the Catholic family. I am proud to be part of the Catholic family and have responded to God’s calling to be a child of God through my baptism and confirmation. Yes, politics do happen in church. In fact, where you find people, politics will most likely happen if the people are vying for power or self glorification or want their ways which clash against the others’. There are also some authentic Catholics who are honest and sincere in their interaction with the others. I remember my RCIA leaders in my first parish got me some pamphlets on a disease which my loved one suffered from so that I could understand her better and be more forgiving and generous towards her. I was very touched by their very act of doing so with such little thoughts as it builds life and seek reconciliation with others and love others as who they are.

We have to set our perspective right that there is a mixture of people with different needs and wants in the church which may ignite conflicts. All of us are broken in some ways which is why Eucharistic celebration where the presence of Christ exists and we receive him through the host, and other sacraments help us to experience God’s grace and extend such grace to others through forgiveness and acceptance of others’ differences again and again. Discrimination or labelling own groups as unspoken elites or holy ones will only cause divisions in the church. The very act of it violates the very essence of true Christian living which is sharing without any discrimination. If not, Jesus could have chosen to die with the rich instead of with the two thieves who were deemed to be of the lowest social status. From my personal observation, these very people who discriminate or deem themselves as higher than the others may even scold and ostracize others for the very acts which they, themselves, have carried out as if they have got exclusive rights for doing so.

Who we mingle with as our spiritual companions or close friends for our own growth in life is very important. Sometimes, we may not even be aware of the pervasive influence from these people whom we associate with as spiritual companions or close friends or confidante over us which cause us to stray away from God if we are not careful or wise. Christ centred people will walk right with God first and then with others. Self centred people will walk ‘right’ with others first and then, right with God or may not even be right with God depending on what pleases the people they want to please. The people whom they want to please or associate with become the main influences in their lives for certain self centred needs or wants and guidance. In a way, they become their gods or idols whom they falsely worship. Of course, it is not right to judge these people harshly. If not, what is the difference between them and me? Anyway, all of us are broken in some ways. Who am I to judge? If I want to judge, I must remove the wooden planks from my eyes than trying to remove wooden splints of others. Prayers will get into the picture for them to go through transformation and truly love God and others that is devotional and not self centred.

How people behave in their daily lives will be seen by how they behave online. If discrimination or division is set in real life within a big family, you will easily see the same trend or pattern or behaviour by the same group of people online, such as certain church information or photos will be shared with a group of elite within a group in Facebook, comments from certain elites or certain people favoured on certain blogs are always approved for display to inflate egos in order to please, superficial flattery from others is always posted for display for self glorification, etc. It will not be a surprise that certain issues posted for the good of others may be ignored or certain helpful questions or comments posted will not be approved due to personal biases or preferences. That is why I have stopped visiting certain blogs or get out of certain groups altogether.

Like choosing certain people I would journey as close friends or confidante or spiritual companions, I will also choose blogs or information or Facebook groups to join for my spiritual input and growth. I get tired of pretensions or politics very easily. So, I rather not get involved with or leave the groups as long as I have completed my tasks. It is very important who we grow and share ourselves intimately with as our close friends or spiritual companions even in the midst of many friends or people whom we are called to reach out to. Of course, we do not discriminate against anyone and will just include them in our prayers. If we are called to help them, we will reach out to them out of Love. If they do not listen or even accuse us, we have done our best and simply shake the dust off our shoes and continue to move on to the others, leaving them the blessing that they will change for the better one day.

That’s all for my sharing. Really sick with my ears blocked while fighting against two sites of infection. Sometimes, walking can be painful. Need a lot of rest. I take this period of sickness as sacrifice to God during this Lent period to deepen my faith as I remember all the sickly or handicapped people who are suffering and my own minor sickness is a blessing from God to help me to emphasize with these people and understand better how painful or restrictive it is to be sick or handicapped so that I am in a better position with compassion when I am called to reach out to them which is not uncommon. While sick, it reminds me to keep all the sickly or handicapped people who are suffering and being restricted in some ways in my prayers so that my short term sickness is not one with self pity but one with meaning and sacrificial Love and deeper understanding into sickly or handicapped people. Hopefully, I am well enough to go for brisk walk for much needed fresh air tomorrow. May you find meaning and joy of journeying and sharing love with your loved ones and friends, not forgetting the less fortunate ones. God bless.

With Love,

Elena

Life Forest Through the Seemingly Wrong Route

Just came back from a movie with a friend. I was amused by the show titled The Devil Inside. Right at the beginning, it was clearly stated that the Vatican has absolutely no part in the shooting of the exorcism and that any exorcism done by the priest in real life has never been recorded for any show. Yes, this show was about exorcism done by priests and how things got out of control that one of them got possessed and killed himself while the other died in an accident in the car driven by a man who was possessed. These two priests had taken the exorcism cases without the permission from the Vatican and even defied the authority. In a way, their death was caused by their disobedience against the Vatican as chosen by God as the headquarter for Catholicism throughout the world under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. I find the show interesting as I have always been interested in the afterlife and such spiritual warfare and stuffs as I tend to be spiritually sensitive, which goes against me when my faith is weak. Besides, this show is related to my faith and made me sit up with intense attention to what the show has got to say about Catholicism. I should say this show is highly entertaining to me.


I went for a hike with my friend yesterday. I walked until my legs are too painful to walk properly now, especially my left knee which had been hurt badly twice without receiving any treatment at all. Now, I am also down with flu and sore throat and sunburn. However, the hike was worthy. I learnt certain lessons out of the hike. We hiked from 11am to around 5.30pm from Segar Station to Dairy Farm to Singapore Quarry to Bukit Panjang Nature Reserve to Guilin (man-made cliff) with short breaks in between. What I enjoyed the most was the wrong route that we took trying to get to the Singapore Quarry from Dairy Farm through the forest. The condition was quite bad due to the rain the night before. I have learnt three lessons out of this wrong route.

Firstly, the ground was slippery and muddy with fallen trees and twigs all around. We were stuck at one point because of the fallen trees and twigs. Then, I stood back and looked at how the fallen trees and twigs laid on the ground and found my way to get through. My friend followed me.

Lesson 1: Spiritual life or life in general may seem like a forest with obstacles (fallen trees or twigs) along the way. There is no point lamenting or complaining and stopping there. There is also no point forcing ourselves through and getting ourselves hurt. The best way is to keep calm, step back and look through a third party’s eyes at the issues and ask God to guide and direct our decisions and actions. If someone is following you for guidance or under your leadership, rushing through it all will also hurt the other person as depicted in the blind is leading the blind, especially under blind leaders. If the leaders are not wise and open to God’s guidance, the disciples will fall with them. That is really too great responsibility to be negligent or capricious.



Then, there was one point when I fell. Luckily, both my hands pressed on the ground before my butt landed on the mud. I was protected from injury and there were no sharp objects on the ground to hurt me. My friend got a shock and made sure that I was alright.

Lesson 2: We may fall from time to time in our lives. Do we just complain and indulge into self pity, trying to gain attention and blame the environment or worse still, everyone else, and not get up with the fear of falling again or do we learn from our fall and bounce back to continue with our walk with faith in God no doubt we may still fall from time to time? At that point, I was thankful that God protected me from injury though my palm did bruise abit. I should be grateful that I did not sustain any serious injury. I always believe that what does not kill you only strengthens you. Whatever fall you have in life, there are always some lessons to learn from to strengthen you and make you wiser. Give thanks to God that we are still surviving after all the falls so far.

Finally, from the wrong route, there was another point where I did not have the confidence that I could get down the slope safely. So, I got my friend’s help by holding on to her arm when getting down the slope. When I landed safely, she held on to my arm and came down safely. I really enjoyed that support and working together happily with her to keep each other safe and sound.

Lesson 3: No man is an island, especially in Christianity where it is all about sharing Love with one another. We need support from one another and journey together so that we will not fall to our death or fall unnecessarily. Sometimes, pride does get in the way to admit our vulnerabilities. If I let the pride overrides the opportunities to share Love with the others through my vulnerabilities, I am depriving others and myself from enjoying fellowship together and connecting the individual worlds of our own together to expand the Kingdom of God.

In conclusion, I learnt the most from the wrong route that we have taken. In fact, I was glad that we took the wrong route for us to have a different experience learning life lessons from the forest. In life, sometimes, we may think that certain experiences are waste of time and we blame ourselves or others for such hindrance to get what we want or according to the ways we expect them to be. During this Lent period, it is apt to slow our pace down and reflect on the areas of our lives which we think are waste of our time due to our perceived hindrance from other people or self. Take time to bring them up to God and ask God to shed some light on them and see what lessons you learn from them. Have you developed patience after them? Have you grown wiser and mature after them? Have you learnt to treasure everyone or everything in your life as God’s gift to you no matter how insignificant some things or people are to you? When we make conscious efforts and examine our lives with honesty with God’s guidance, there are definitely precious lessons to be learnt which money cannot buy from these seemingly ‘wrong’ routes. Ultimately, we need God’s guidance to go back to the right route towards holiness again and again. The three lessons that I have learnt above among other life lessons will equip me better and better to keep on going back to God whenever I stray away from Him. This must come with spending quiet time alone with him from time to time, regular prayers, through Eucharistic celebration and sacraments (which I have missed), communal worship and serving others out of Love.

I enjoyed the hike. Thanks to my friend who went through it with me. Now, my career is like the forest where I am hindered by the ‘fallen trees and twigs’ and I even fall. If I could figure that out and got out of the forest safely, I should not have problems resolving my career issues. But, the question is ‘how?’ Now, it also comes with my health getting bad which may need some checkup and draining the little saving I have. These ‘fallen trees and twigs’ seem too big for me to get over. I guess that really exercise my faith and trust that God will provide my ‘daily bread’. In terms of career, one friend of mine has asked me to apply jobs that are of higher position so that the main issues that I have been facing in my career will be solved. It makes sense and I know it may work. But, will employers give me the chance to even get into the organizations? Am I really up to that level yet? I am realistic about my abilities and would never want to blow my own trumpet by going for positions too high for me. If not, I would embarrass myself if I do not do well and it would be unfair to the organization which hire and train me for that position. Now, all I can do is to pray hard for a job which I can do well and get fair appraisal and not be abused by bosses anymore. I am willing to work hard and in fact, I work very hard for every job assigned to me. But, I feel very indignant when I get verbally abused with my ideas stolen by bosses in the open office causing some colleagues to lose respect for me and start yelling at me and yet not getting a single cent for my bonuses where the laziest employees in those organizations could skive and get theirs.

Really do not know where I am heading towards. All I can do is to pray for miracles. Always remember that all the experiences that you have gone through will never go to waste. God will use them creatively for the good of yourself and others out of Love.

With Love,
Elena

Holy Sanctuary as a Necessity

Just came back from an outing with my family. My image is all gone with me lecturing my nephew in the public as his behaviour was totally out of control. Sigh! I am not even married yet and yet I behave like a mum scolding my nephew for disciplinary purposes if he does not listen at all. My image is all gone. Sometimes, the public has negative comments while passing by us when I am scolding or disciplining him as he is out of control. I feel very embarrassed but disciplining him is more important. If not, he may get into serious trouble or injured. See, I am not a mum and yet my image is all gone like a crazy mother trying to tame a wild animal. Have been feeling unwell. I guess maybe time for a checkup before it gets serious. Hope nothing serious though with some fear.


I visited Buddha Tooth Relic Temple and Museum with the two kids, my mum and sister since they are Buddhists. I get in out of curiosity. I should say that I am utterly impressed with the elaborate decorated and furnished temple with grandeur and reverence. It was a serene environment. They even offer some cushions at two corners of the worship area at Level 4 for meditation. As I was getting into the museum at Level 3, I was in awe by all the efforts and details of the relics displayed, history and description of every Buddha. At Level 2, it is an area for purchasing the statues, ornaments, books, and also a resting place for people to read over cups of beverages sold there. It was all about serenity. I wonder if there is such a place for Catholics. It will be nice to have such similar area where all the history and custom of Catholicism displayed, interactive areas for Catholics to mingle, relics displayed, Catholic teachings described, display of items used by priests, religious sisters and brothers and even priests, vocations available with different orders or congregations depicted, Catholic library with updated books not only for the priests but also open to the public, talks held, activities organized, items sold, etc. all in a building nicely furnished and decorated with stain glasses to tell the stories of God and Jesus and the saints. If there is such a place, you will see me there daily. We have such mini place like the Singapore Pastoral Centre beside the Immaculate Heart of Mary parish along Highland Road. But, I just feel it is not enough. I feel it is more corporate similar to any offices.

Like I have mentioned in my previous blog entry last year, I have always liked to go to the church daily after work away from the busy world. When I was unemployed in the past, I liked to go to the church in the morning to do some reading and spend time with God. I feel at home in the church. Sometimes, some priests would chat with me on certain issues or my youths would come to me for complaints or advice or some people catching up or having fellowship with me. The problem lies with some people think that I am there with hidden agendas or lick the priests’ boots. However, I did not care as I really like the environment where people do not really disturb me and I could do my reading as directed by God. This helps alot as people tend to ask me all sorts of funny questions and I have to better equip myself to help others and not misleading them. Some youths asked me questions like why lesbianism is not accepted by the Catholic church and how she should help her friend who was a lesbian. Some people asked me the differences between Catholicism and Protestant belief and teaching.

Of course, I do not stay in the church so much that I have no time for my family and friends. What is the point of reaching out to others if I don’t even reach out to my family? I do not believe in escapism. If I want to escape, I could have moved out of my house. Some people think that I stayed in church often because I have an unhappy family. If I am unhappy, I can always go somewhere like the pubs or discos or KTV. I just like to be in the place where I see the physical items or statues related to my faith. Seeing is believing does apply here just like the adage, Out of Sight, Out of Mind. I am always very distracted. So, such frequent reminders are necessary for me. Being in church helps me to refocus on God after the daily work and activities which may pull me away from God and placing them above God. Of course, my mentality and heart must change. Transformation should start from the heart with sincerity and repentance. I am still very flawed with some habitual sins but I am very slowly improving according to some friends and reporting officers. Baby steps are better than no steps which mean stagnancy leading to spiritual death. Only things that are dead do not grow. I have seen some people going for daily mass, prayer or devotional sessions and still not transformed. Worse still, they play politics and spread rumours around to gain favours. I find that silly. But, they are still human beings with flaws like me afterall. Maybe, it may take alot more for them to come to certain realization before any transformation takes place to wake them up.

Ok, enough of my sharing here. As mentioned before, I am not here to preach as I am just a layperson. I am sharing my experience as a child of God. If you have any doubts or questions regarding Catholic teachings or faith, please approach the priests or religious brothers or sisters. They are glad to clarify your doubts. If not, you may purchase some books on the relevant issues or topics. I was happily downloading apps to my iPhone for daily mass reading, prayers and any other information about the Catholic faith. Some are free while others are charged at certain prices. I have also found some Taize prayers which I could download online. I was so elated over it. I have always liked the Taize prayers. They seem to calm me down and slow my racing mind giving me peace which I could not find anywhere. I will be in touch with the nature tomorrow with my hiking kakis. That is another avenue to seek God since I am out of church. Hope that my body can keep me going. On Sunday, out with my other friend at East Coast beach in late afternoon. Another chance to spend time with God through nature. Who knows my body may be healed after that? Also hope that I can get a job. I have lost hope after sending months of many resumes until I lose count. Hopeless case. I think I may just get any job and stick to it with bitterness and torture.

We are still in the midst of Lent period. When you feel lousy with no peace, spend time in church or before the Blessed Sacrament. No peace can be found anywhere other than Jesus’. His peace is a blessing with the Spirit of Love which nobody can snatch away. He is always there to welcome you with open arms and smile. Go to Him and rest in His arms with peace. Take care. May peace be with you wherever you are!! :)

With Love,
Elena