The weather is really erratic. But I do appreciate the cold weather. I am literally hibernating most of the time, lazing and watching TV programmes at home. I am going to have two interviews next week. I really hope that I will not be having any abusive bosses. Really have had enough nonsense from such people for many working years. Even as I am going to leave the organization, the monster still tries to squeeze the slides out of me. Frankly speaking, I have got no mood. My soul has been out of this organization, looking forward to having a new start. I really hope that I can start my new job in December so that my income will continue to come in. I am very bored with the set of slides that I have been working on for a few weeks. I am very sick of looking at them. So boring!!
I am dying to get out of my organization. The monster continues to give vague instructions to us. When things go wrong, she can twist and turn her words to protect herself. All the faults would be borne by anyone who is involved with any matters or projects that go wrong. I seriously have got no more respect for her at all. A new deputy director will come in for my department. I really pity that DD who is coming in to be another victim under her. The monster has been going around pinpointing people and scolding people. The morale here is low. Even my colleague who was on leave was not spared from such tension at home. I often wonder what the world has turned into. The monster can speak and dress very well but with no substance. She got anxious and lost her cool very easily. I do not see how I can shine under such leadership. And yet, she promoted two levels up and everyone wonders why. When looking at a deeper level, it is no surprise that this happens everywhere. Like what the monster has told us, it is all about packaging. It also happens in churches that I have been to. Most people idolize leaders who dress and talk well. I am often amused by how these people ‘protect’ their idols even if these idols are obviously in the wrong. In terms of selecting life partners, it is no wonder that such theory applies. Whenever I watch any romantic show, the leading female and male characters are always very good looking no matter how lowly their social status is in the show, how poor they are. Is that realistic? Does it mean that only beautiful, pretty or attractive people can get married, rise to high position, get what they want or go to places where the others who are deemed inferior according to worldly standards cannot even step into? But to begin with, who are we to judge God’s creation? Will God be really so ‘stupid’ to allow ‘ugly’ beings or things to exist? If He is really ‘stupid’, aren’t the beautiful, attractive people also ‘stupid’ to worship such God? Who are we to expect others to be gods, to be perfect in every way that we want them to be? Are we, ourselves, perfect at all? Do we not have flaws? By pushing the blame on everyone else, does it mean that I am perfect without flaws? Too much emphasis has been placed on appearance and packaging. Yes, appearance and packaging are important as our bodies are the temples for the Spirit and they are blessed by God. But, too much emphasis on them at the expense of looking inward will mean that we are just beautiful parcels with worms decaying inside. How about our soul? The Catholic liturgy has just been made some changes. There is a lot of emphasis on the Spirit. Personally, I think it does help us to be aware of our inner state instead of just going through the ritual. Such changes are necessary according to times. In the world, how many people really look at our own spiritual health. I even wonder if my soul gets out of my body, how does it look like? Is it covered with blood from others whom I have murdered in any ways or am I tainted everywhere with dirt of many sins I have committed? If I sin with my mouth or hands, do they show the dirt or filth from the sins on my soul?
I am still studying my books on psychology and soulcraft. The soulcraft book is damn chim (deep). I need more time to study it. Most likely, I have to renew the book a few times since it is a library book. I have started self studying the psychology textbook. I am linking all the ideas from both books at the same time. My sinus which hit my head and eyes got worse on Monday which forced me to go back home from workplace. No exercise for me and I have to stay indoor most of the time. Currently, have to go on two to three weeks of treatment on the spray. I guess this is to force me to slow my pace for deeper reflection. If not, you will see me running all around Singapore. I am also going on diet. I have put on at least 5kg within this year. This is scary. Have to reduce my weight no matter what before I fall sicklier. Whenever I put on weight, I always fall sick. I also don’t know why. Time to detoxify my body and cleanse my soul. It is really a soul searching period for me. I am literally hibernating during such cold weather.
Ok, will be off work soon. Have to go to the job agency for an interview. After that, my small sister from church is asking me out and we are going to enjoy ourselves at Orchard Road today. This weekend will be pretty busy. If possible, I hope to start jogging along East Coast beach tomorrow. I seriously need to get in touch with nature and have fresh air for my body. Then, meeting a friend in the afternoon. On Sunday, have to attend wedding dinner. A very good excuse for dolling up especially when it is at City Hall. Then, get myself prepared for a job interview on Monday. There is another one on Thursday. But, somehow, I kinda like the job scope from the organization that I will be going for an interview on Monday. It has got something to do with media relation. I am sick of paperwork and too desk bound jobs. Really hope to get a job where there is variety and I can run around. If not, I will get into trouble again by being too desk bound. Hurray!
With Love,
Elena
Friday, October 28, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Out of Difficulties, Miracles
Now, struggling in office to keep my eyes open. Have just taken a cup of Macadamia Nut Latte to keep my eyes open. I also do not know what the heck I am doing. I am falling very sick under medication and yet I am making use of caffeine once again to combat against the drowsiness of my medicine. It is no fun when my body is down once again. I have taken as much vitamin C as possible and yet I am still down. I had difficulty getting up yesterday for work. But, I forced myself to get out of the house. I managed to get to the office only to find my eyes and head painful and feeling nauseous. My eyes and head were so painful that I could no longer open my eyes to look at the computer screen. In the end, I had to go back at around 11am to see a doctor. My sinus and migraine hit me hard. I have been lying on bed over the last weekend because of it. I am going broke from visiting the doctor. As usual, I was forced to lie on bed again. It has been hitting me since last Thursday and I could not go for my jog on last Saturday. I missed exploring MacRitchie Trails with my friend on last Saturday. Sigh! How long do I have to carry this bloody cross? Due to my health issue, I have to restrict my choice of jobs. I cannot go for retail sales as I cannot stand for too long. My spine will be painful that the pain will shoot right up to my brain and the spot light from the shops will cause me very bad migraine. I cannot handle paperwork due to some problems which I cannot help it. Why am I such a pain in the neck? I also do not want to be picky and have even forced myself to do those jobs. But, I really cannot handle them. I guess instead of complaining, I really have to see how I can go around living life to the fullest with my health. Now, I have to depend on the nasal spray for treatment for my sensitive nose for at least one month while taking more medicine. I am simply sick of taking medicine. It is affecting my work. Even my RO is concerned about the amount of medicine I have been taking for more than a month as she claimed that these medicine may spoil my kidney. It is very frustrating for me. But, no point complaining. Hopefully, I am at least well enough to get out of the house for some brisk walk at East Coast Park tomorrow. I seriously need to go on diet as I have put on 5kg within this year. It is very scary. Whenever I put on weight, the more weight I put on, the more sickly I will be. At first, I thought it is my imagination. But, my other friend is also facing such problem. I have to go on diet.
I have bought a Psychology textbook with a discount of 20% from Kinokuniya recently. I guess I have to resign to fate or accept that I will never have any opportunity to study Psychology or go for higher education at University. I am feeling very unhappy inside but this is the reality I have to accept whether I like it or not. Who asked me to flunk my A Level exams when my deceased teacher sponsored me for my studies? Who asked me to be so distracted? Who asked me to be so emotional and upset over my teacher’s death? Why was I such a weakling? Friends may tell me I can always save up. But, for how long? At least, when they are out of jobs, their parents may support them in some ways. Some of them even have parents who have bought some educational insurance for them to study. For me, once I am out of job, I have nothing to fall back on at all. I do not have the confidence to work and study at the same time due to my health. I think I just have to accept that I have to stay put at Diploma level and continue to get such low pay with increasing prices of things around. I am not sure how I am going to support my parents who have zero savings in the future with such pay. I am thinking of ways. Maybe, I should start holding on to two jobs again. I am more alert at night. Maybe, I should work at night as night jobs pay much higher. Yes, detrimental to health but at least, can earn more money. No matter what, I do not believe in complaining. I am looking for ways to earn more money with my low education.
I really enjoy self studying Psychology. One thing I like about Psychology is it gathers studies from different disciplines like Physics, Biology, Philosophy, etc. I have a very low threshold for boredom. So, subject like psychology still holds my attention and interest for more than 10 years till now. Besides, it is practical allowing me to apply my knowledge to help the people around me combining with theology. I am always very scattered in my studies. I am studying my Art Therapy book, Psychology textbook and Soulcraft book all at the same time. I do not find them confusing. In fact, I get very bored with studying on just one book at a time. Anyway, these subjects are interlinked. I have always liked to link all the seemingly unrelated subjects or topics. I still have not touched my Existentialism philosophy. Too bad that Fr Albert Renkens has passed on. If not, I will be following him for the philosophy course. Hopefully, one day, another priest will conduct some intellectual courses. Whenever I go for such courses, I will indulge deeply into them and forget all about my worries and stress. I love exploration in my imagination and mind.
I have watched ‘The Change Up’. I was disgusted with the show as the old woman was stripped naked for some grotesque sexual scene. I could not even set my eyes on the screen for that scene. In fact, I was very embarrassed by that part of the show. I am very curious about sex. I wonder how it is like. But, I still think that such acts are meant to be done behind the closed doors with a spouse. They are just too raw to be displayed for public eyes. I wonder how the old actress felt while acting that grotesque scene and how the men who were involved felt and thought. Ok, that is beside the point. One thing that struck me was when the main male characters exchanged their bodies leading each other’s life. They realized that they are unique as who they are and there is no point of envying other people’s lives. Everyone has his own suffering and tough times. One of them mentioned that things may not go our ways at times but it will lead us to where we are supposed to go as who we are. I gather that things which do not go our ways may not be bad. All we need is to have faith that all things happen are meant for us to learn from to be more complete. This is associated with Steve Jobs’ description of connecting the dots in the past leading to his success. Things may be tough along the way. Sometimes, you may just hope that you were not even born. However, if we hang on, like what one of the leading characters in a Cantonese series has mentioned, out of difficulties, is miracle. If we hang on, we will see miracles.
Well, personally, I am stuck in many ways. I have been stuck in my family situation since Sec 1 and I am still stuck. I get very frustrated that I am one of the victims of someone’s bad habits. Some of my close friends, even my brother, have been asking me to leave that family. Sometimes, I just feel like leaving everything and everyone behind and disappear. But, I can’t do that. If I do that, I will never grow. I will be running away from things for my whole life. I will only shut the doors to seeing miracles. I am not sure where I can go and where I am heading towards. I do not have anyone to turn to. I do not have the luxury of having a spouse to share my happiness and sorrow with. So, I have to make do with whatever I am blessed with instead of lamenting over things I do not have.
Ok, enough of my sharing. Have to go back to work. I am really very tired. I just have to endure for another 2 ½ hours before I can lie on my comfortable bed. If I can't take it, another cup of coffee lo. Fortunately, it is Deepavali Day tomorrow and I can sleep till I drop dead. Hopefully, I can drag myself up for some brisk walk at East Coast Park for some fresh air.
With Love,
Elena
I have bought a Psychology textbook with a discount of 20% from Kinokuniya recently. I guess I have to resign to fate or accept that I will never have any opportunity to study Psychology or go for higher education at University. I am feeling very unhappy inside but this is the reality I have to accept whether I like it or not. Who asked me to flunk my A Level exams when my deceased teacher sponsored me for my studies? Who asked me to be so distracted? Who asked me to be so emotional and upset over my teacher’s death? Why was I such a weakling? Friends may tell me I can always save up. But, for how long? At least, when they are out of jobs, their parents may support them in some ways. Some of them even have parents who have bought some educational insurance for them to study. For me, once I am out of job, I have nothing to fall back on at all. I do not have the confidence to work and study at the same time due to my health. I think I just have to accept that I have to stay put at Diploma level and continue to get such low pay with increasing prices of things around. I am not sure how I am going to support my parents who have zero savings in the future with such pay. I am thinking of ways. Maybe, I should start holding on to two jobs again. I am more alert at night. Maybe, I should work at night as night jobs pay much higher. Yes, detrimental to health but at least, can earn more money. No matter what, I do not believe in complaining. I am looking for ways to earn more money with my low education.
I really enjoy self studying Psychology. One thing I like about Psychology is it gathers studies from different disciplines like Physics, Biology, Philosophy, etc. I have a very low threshold for boredom. So, subject like psychology still holds my attention and interest for more than 10 years till now. Besides, it is practical allowing me to apply my knowledge to help the people around me combining with theology. I am always very scattered in my studies. I am studying my Art Therapy book, Psychology textbook and Soulcraft book all at the same time. I do not find them confusing. In fact, I get very bored with studying on just one book at a time. Anyway, these subjects are interlinked. I have always liked to link all the seemingly unrelated subjects or topics. I still have not touched my Existentialism philosophy. Too bad that Fr Albert Renkens has passed on. If not, I will be following him for the philosophy course. Hopefully, one day, another priest will conduct some intellectual courses. Whenever I go for such courses, I will indulge deeply into them and forget all about my worries and stress. I love exploration in my imagination and mind.
I have watched ‘The Change Up’. I was disgusted with the show as the old woman was stripped naked for some grotesque sexual scene. I could not even set my eyes on the screen for that scene. In fact, I was very embarrassed by that part of the show. I am very curious about sex. I wonder how it is like. But, I still think that such acts are meant to be done behind the closed doors with a spouse. They are just too raw to be displayed for public eyes. I wonder how the old actress felt while acting that grotesque scene and how the men who were involved felt and thought. Ok, that is beside the point. One thing that struck me was when the main male characters exchanged their bodies leading each other’s life. They realized that they are unique as who they are and there is no point of envying other people’s lives. Everyone has his own suffering and tough times. One of them mentioned that things may not go our ways at times but it will lead us to where we are supposed to go as who we are. I gather that things which do not go our ways may not be bad. All we need is to have faith that all things happen are meant for us to learn from to be more complete. This is associated with Steve Jobs’ description of connecting the dots in the past leading to his success. Things may be tough along the way. Sometimes, you may just hope that you were not even born. However, if we hang on, like what one of the leading characters in a Cantonese series has mentioned, out of difficulties, is miracle. If we hang on, we will see miracles.
Well, personally, I am stuck in many ways. I have been stuck in my family situation since Sec 1 and I am still stuck. I get very frustrated that I am one of the victims of someone’s bad habits. Some of my close friends, even my brother, have been asking me to leave that family. Sometimes, I just feel like leaving everything and everyone behind and disappear. But, I can’t do that. If I do that, I will never grow. I will be running away from things for my whole life. I will only shut the doors to seeing miracles. I am not sure where I can go and where I am heading towards. I do not have anyone to turn to. I do not have the luxury of having a spouse to share my happiness and sorrow with. So, I have to make do with whatever I am blessed with instead of lamenting over things I do not have.
Ok, enough of my sharing. Have to go back to work. I am really very tired. I just have to endure for another 2 ½ hours before I can lie on my comfortable bed. If I can't take it, another cup of coffee lo. Fortunately, it is Deepavali Day tomorrow and I can sleep till I drop dead. Hopefully, I can drag myself up for some brisk walk at East Coast Park for some fresh air.
With Love,
Elena
Friday, October 21, 2011
Serendipity
This week is a great week. I was on a 3 day course on Developing Confidence in Public Speaking. I literally laughed my lungs out for the 3 days. Not only was the trainer interesting and humorous, the whole group of course mates were fun and creative. A few of us even went for lunch together for those 3 days. I would never feel lonely. In fact, all of us found the course too short. Through this course, I managed to have my practice on public speaking daily. Then, the trainer and my group mates would comment on my speech. Not too bad. I did well in general. My course mate commented I looked 'too cool' and confident when I was behind the rostrum. I guess that is the first impression I give people in general. There was one speech where I was sharing about my pastime. I did well for this particular speech. My trainer commented I did it with great conviction. I did well for this pseech as I believe in what I shared with them.
Guess what I shared. It wasn't bowling, clubbing, reading or even sleeping. It was life sharing. What did I mean by life sharing? It is about sharing life stories, meaningful quotes, etc. I started my speech by asking a question for them to ponder on. Have you ever pondered on what life is about? I also ended my speech along that line by emphasizing on life is not just about myself but to be shared with others so that my world and the worlds of the others will connect and the world is bigger. I guess that is what it means by expanding the Kingdom of God. For this speech, I got mainly positive feedback from group mates and trainer. During one of our lunch break, my Muslim course mate and I discussed about life and God. I enjoyed the discussion with him. Basically, this group was interesting. They came from all walks of life in different shapes and colours but it never deterred us from mingling with one another and working on the various assignments together.
God really knows what I need. I have been having headache and feeling nauseous since Monday. As my house would be noisy with kids around, I decided to stay away from my house to watch a movie last night. Wow, I really felt like an empress. I went for the premiere service in the cinema at Nex. Of course, the price paid was triple the normal movie ticket. I enjoyed myself as the theatre was dark and the seat was spacious. Though spacious, the design of the chair was not for me as the support did not really support my neck and my legs were too long to be fully stretched. I still enjoyed the quiet moment. I was all alone in the theatre. So, the service crews only served me. I guess it is nice to pamper myself once in a while so that I really enjoy such rare pamper from such exclusive service. God has blessed me with that much needed peace and darkness for my migraine to be suppressed. When a migraine sufferer is going to have or is having migraine, she needs a quiet and dark place to rest. Whenever I am struck with migraine, I feel like a ghost as I need to avoid lights and noise as they will overload my senses.
I was watching 'What is your number?'. It was about how many men a woman would sleep with before she settled down with a man through marriage. The female leading character slept with 19 men before she settled down with the man who also slept around with a lot of women before her. The show was quite boring. What struck me was the man asked the female leading character to be herself, to be who she was but not according to what people wanted her to be. Finally, the woman followed her heart and stopped living according to people's opinions, especially her mother's. Instead of following a rich man whom her mother liked and wanted her to marry him to foreign countries, she faced herself and remained in US for the man who loved her for who she was and wanted to settle down with her despite the disagreement and chastisement from her friends and mother.
Once again, I heard God speaking to me through the show and my 3 day course. I do not think it was purely coincidental that the message of be yourself and listen to your inner voice keep on appearing through different channels to me. God is encouraging me to continue to be myself. It was no coincidence that Steve Jobs' speech at the Stanford University was played during my course for us to critique on. That gave me a chance to reflect deeper into his speech. Steve Jobs mentioned about looking back to the past was to connect the dots and see how the connection led him to his success in Apple today. To summarize, this is what is known as Serendipity. According to Dictionary.com, it is defined as 'an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident'. Such serendipity in the realm of Christianity means that everything, whether suffering or blessing, in our lives will never be put to waste. They teach us lessons and lead us to be who we are and walk closer to holiness if we have the strong faith to be who we are with brutal honesty and open ourselves to God. Such openness does expose us to hurt, pain, discomfort, etc. However, as long as we have faith, God as our Creator, will lead us throughout our lives. He will help us to see the dots if we spend regular quite time with Him. We will not lose hope. In fact, we will see the meaning of our suffering, hardship rejection in a new Christ light. Like Steve Jobs, if he had not dropped out of his college, he would not have gone for a typography course which he truly enjoyed ultimately led him to produce the beautiful fonts and visually appealing setting for Apple. He would not have shared this serendipity of connecting the dots from the past.
Whatever you are going through, be it rejection, suffering or any forms of hardship, they will lead you to success as long as you have strong faith and never give up. God is always there for us. There is always this Higher Power for us to rely on. Listen to the inner voice. For us, it is the Holy Spirit who will lead us. As long as we are willing to be true to ourselves stripped off all the masks, the voice of the Holy Spirit will be clearer since we connect our true selves to God without the masks as the barriers that block God from speaking to our core selves. Personally, I have faced a lot of rejection and ostracization. If you ask me honestly whether I blame or do not forgive anyone for that, I confess honestly that I may be angry or upset with those people involved during those moments. Now, I am not angry or upset with anyone. I just accept that they do not accept me and I move on. It is very tiring to hold on to grudges. I do not have that capacity to hold grudges. If I were to do that, I will explode. In fact, I am thankful that I went through the hardship; I become stronger and more independent.
When I was in Secondary school, I knew what I wanted and listened to my heart. I even went against the principal to appeal for the course I wanted. My principal thought I was stubborn and I would be wrong in my decision. I was the only student who managed to get what I wanted. I was not trying to be rebellious. I just knew what I wanted and what I was good in. True enough. The only distinction I got was the subject my principal wanted me to drop. She also predicted my grade for English at O Level and confidently told me I would get that grade. She was wrong. I got two grades higher than what she had predicted. I listened to my inner voice while being misunderstood by many people. I was feeling lonely and sick of the labels slapped right to my face for many years. I guess that was why I decided to live according to people’s opinions which caused me misery inside and depression from time to time. I lose myself. I even have to live with certain regrets for the rest of my life as the person involved is dead. I pay a high price to learn such lesson. If not for God, I would have killed myself many times. The voice from God seems to be louder encouraging me to be who I am as He knows what is going on in me. I have suffered enough living according to others’ expectations and opinions. I know my path is going to be lonely with more labels slapping right to my face again. But, such pain can never be measured up to the misery I have inside. In fact, I was happiest when I was in Secondary school to be who I am even though my parents, many teachers, schoolmates and principal labelled and rejected me. I did have a few friends who went through it all with me. So, now, once again, I just want to be who I am, continuing with the descent into the underworld for my soul. It may be lonely once again. Many friends and my rich relatives would look down on me and leave me as usual. If I am called to be just a barista at Starbucks or a clerk at a small company, some friends and relatives would label me as ‘stupid’, ‘good for nothing’ as most of them are successful in business and careers or are graduates though I may be smarter than some of them. Some of them have been comparing themselves against me. Being smart is no big deal. I still underachieve and most of them are more successful than me. Well, there is always somewhere out there much smarter than me. If they choose to leave me, I am prepared to walk alone. I know God is going through it all with me. If needed, He will send me mentors and friends as usual to journey with me from time to time.
Ok, enough of my sharing for today. I have started my job search yesterday. I am not sure where I am heading towards. In terms of job, I am looking forward to a new start. I have done my body enough damage in my current job. I also am starting my training tomorrow for my Big Walk on 7 November. I am not sure if I am well enough as I am still having migraine and feeling nauseous. Hopefully, I am well enough to go for some fresh air at East Coast Park. I have always loved to jog along the beach. Not only is the air fresh, it allows me to be nearer God through the nature. It will also help me with my descent into the underworld for my soul. It is lonely as usual as I do not have the luxury to have people follow me everywhere or a spouse to walk through my life journey with me. If anything happens, I will rely on the public to call for ambulance. My friend and I went to the zoo on last Sunday. We still have not explored Labrador Park and Pulau Ubin. Somehow, I have the urge to go overseas to start anew. Who knows I may just disappear and venture overseas with the little money I have? If the calling is strong enough, I may just disappear from Singapore.
Never give up on yourself no matter how tough times can be. They are just dots to draw you closer to holiness, to success and joy in life. Have courage!! Be yourself. Steve Jobs ended his speech at Stanford University with ‘Be hungry, be foolish’. With this, I also end my sharing here with ‘Be hungry, be foolish’. :)
With Love,
Elena
Guess what I shared. It wasn't bowling, clubbing, reading or even sleeping. It was life sharing. What did I mean by life sharing? It is about sharing life stories, meaningful quotes, etc. I started my speech by asking a question for them to ponder on. Have you ever pondered on what life is about? I also ended my speech along that line by emphasizing on life is not just about myself but to be shared with others so that my world and the worlds of the others will connect and the world is bigger. I guess that is what it means by expanding the Kingdom of God. For this speech, I got mainly positive feedback from group mates and trainer. During one of our lunch break, my Muslim course mate and I discussed about life and God. I enjoyed the discussion with him. Basically, this group was interesting. They came from all walks of life in different shapes and colours but it never deterred us from mingling with one another and working on the various assignments together.
God really knows what I need. I have been having headache and feeling nauseous since Monday. As my house would be noisy with kids around, I decided to stay away from my house to watch a movie last night. Wow, I really felt like an empress. I went for the premiere service in the cinema at Nex. Of course, the price paid was triple the normal movie ticket. I enjoyed myself as the theatre was dark and the seat was spacious. Though spacious, the design of the chair was not for me as the support did not really support my neck and my legs were too long to be fully stretched. I still enjoyed the quiet moment. I was all alone in the theatre. So, the service crews only served me. I guess it is nice to pamper myself once in a while so that I really enjoy such rare pamper from such exclusive service. God has blessed me with that much needed peace and darkness for my migraine to be suppressed. When a migraine sufferer is going to have or is having migraine, she needs a quiet and dark place to rest. Whenever I am struck with migraine, I feel like a ghost as I need to avoid lights and noise as they will overload my senses.
I was watching 'What is your number?'. It was about how many men a woman would sleep with before she settled down with a man through marriage. The female leading character slept with 19 men before she settled down with the man who also slept around with a lot of women before her. The show was quite boring. What struck me was the man asked the female leading character to be herself, to be who she was but not according to what people wanted her to be. Finally, the woman followed her heart and stopped living according to people's opinions, especially her mother's. Instead of following a rich man whom her mother liked and wanted her to marry him to foreign countries, she faced herself and remained in US for the man who loved her for who she was and wanted to settle down with her despite the disagreement and chastisement from her friends and mother.
Once again, I heard God speaking to me through the show and my 3 day course. I do not think it was purely coincidental that the message of be yourself and listen to your inner voice keep on appearing through different channels to me. God is encouraging me to continue to be myself. It was no coincidence that Steve Jobs' speech at the Stanford University was played during my course for us to critique on. That gave me a chance to reflect deeper into his speech. Steve Jobs mentioned about looking back to the past was to connect the dots and see how the connection led him to his success in Apple today. To summarize, this is what is known as Serendipity. According to Dictionary.com, it is defined as 'an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident'. Such serendipity in the realm of Christianity means that everything, whether suffering or blessing, in our lives will never be put to waste. They teach us lessons and lead us to be who we are and walk closer to holiness if we have the strong faith to be who we are with brutal honesty and open ourselves to God. Such openness does expose us to hurt, pain, discomfort, etc. However, as long as we have faith, God as our Creator, will lead us throughout our lives. He will help us to see the dots if we spend regular quite time with Him. We will not lose hope. In fact, we will see the meaning of our suffering, hardship rejection in a new Christ light. Like Steve Jobs, if he had not dropped out of his college, he would not have gone for a typography course which he truly enjoyed ultimately led him to produce the beautiful fonts and visually appealing setting for Apple. He would not have shared this serendipity of connecting the dots from the past.
Whatever you are going through, be it rejection, suffering or any forms of hardship, they will lead you to success as long as you have strong faith and never give up. God is always there for us. There is always this Higher Power for us to rely on. Listen to the inner voice. For us, it is the Holy Spirit who will lead us. As long as we are willing to be true to ourselves stripped off all the masks, the voice of the Holy Spirit will be clearer since we connect our true selves to God without the masks as the barriers that block God from speaking to our core selves. Personally, I have faced a lot of rejection and ostracization. If you ask me honestly whether I blame or do not forgive anyone for that, I confess honestly that I may be angry or upset with those people involved during those moments. Now, I am not angry or upset with anyone. I just accept that they do not accept me and I move on. It is very tiring to hold on to grudges. I do not have that capacity to hold grudges. If I were to do that, I will explode. In fact, I am thankful that I went through the hardship; I become stronger and more independent.
When I was in Secondary school, I knew what I wanted and listened to my heart. I even went against the principal to appeal for the course I wanted. My principal thought I was stubborn and I would be wrong in my decision. I was the only student who managed to get what I wanted. I was not trying to be rebellious. I just knew what I wanted and what I was good in. True enough. The only distinction I got was the subject my principal wanted me to drop. She also predicted my grade for English at O Level and confidently told me I would get that grade. She was wrong. I got two grades higher than what she had predicted. I listened to my inner voice while being misunderstood by many people. I was feeling lonely and sick of the labels slapped right to my face for many years. I guess that was why I decided to live according to people’s opinions which caused me misery inside and depression from time to time. I lose myself. I even have to live with certain regrets for the rest of my life as the person involved is dead. I pay a high price to learn such lesson. If not for God, I would have killed myself many times. The voice from God seems to be louder encouraging me to be who I am as He knows what is going on in me. I have suffered enough living according to others’ expectations and opinions. I know my path is going to be lonely with more labels slapping right to my face again. But, such pain can never be measured up to the misery I have inside. In fact, I was happiest when I was in Secondary school to be who I am even though my parents, many teachers, schoolmates and principal labelled and rejected me. I did have a few friends who went through it all with me. So, now, once again, I just want to be who I am, continuing with the descent into the underworld for my soul. It may be lonely once again. Many friends and my rich relatives would look down on me and leave me as usual. If I am called to be just a barista at Starbucks or a clerk at a small company, some friends and relatives would label me as ‘stupid’, ‘good for nothing’ as most of them are successful in business and careers or are graduates though I may be smarter than some of them. Some of them have been comparing themselves against me. Being smart is no big deal. I still underachieve and most of them are more successful than me. Well, there is always somewhere out there much smarter than me. If they choose to leave me, I am prepared to walk alone. I know God is going through it all with me. If needed, He will send me mentors and friends as usual to journey with me from time to time.
Ok, enough of my sharing for today. I have started my job search yesterday. I am not sure where I am heading towards. In terms of job, I am looking forward to a new start. I have done my body enough damage in my current job. I also am starting my training tomorrow for my Big Walk on 7 November. I am not sure if I am well enough as I am still having migraine and feeling nauseous. Hopefully, I am well enough to go for some fresh air at East Coast Park. I have always loved to jog along the beach. Not only is the air fresh, it allows me to be nearer God through the nature. It will also help me with my descent into the underworld for my soul. It is lonely as usual as I do not have the luxury to have people follow me everywhere or a spouse to walk through my life journey with me. If anything happens, I will rely on the public to call for ambulance. My friend and I went to the zoo on last Sunday. We still have not explored Labrador Park and Pulau Ubin. Somehow, I have the urge to go overseas to start anew. Who knows I may just disappear and venture overseas with the little money I have? If the calling is strong enough, I may just disappear from Singapore.
Never give up on yourself no matter how tough times can be. They are just dots to draw you closer to holiness, to success and joy in life. Have courage!! Be yourself. Steve Jobs ended his speech at Stanford University with ‘Be hungry, be foolish’. With this, I also end my sharing here with ‘Be hungry, be foolish’. :)
With Love,
Elena
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Social Hibernation for My Descent into the Underworld for My Soul
Was having a fun filled weekend. I went to sign up for the New Paper Big Walk that will be happening on 7 November 2011. I signed up with a friend. After that, we went on our 'Auntie' shopping. Guess what. We went for 3 games of bowling. After the games, I guess I have strained my nerves so badly that the area near my right elbow swells and I can't even pull a door. Serve me right for going to the extreme lah. We also went for shopping at various places. We walked for the whole day. My legs are still aching especially after more walking from my trip to the zoo with another friend just now. I am feeling the pain and ache from head to toe. I feel good sweating out all the toxins from my body. I seriously need to go on diet as it was rather depressing that I could not fit into most white 3/4 pants that I liked. I am feeling sick from my fats. That aside, I am still thinking of whether I should go for another big walk organized by another organizer which will be held on 20 November. Well, I have been toying with the idea of running a full marathon one day. I know my health condition does not permit me to do so. But, I do find meaning in running a marathon. It is more of a mind and character training for myself. I used to challenge myself to complete 2.4km within set time frame to pass my fitness test in school. No big deal to the others. But, it was a great issue to me. I did finish it within the time frame but would always faint or too weak to walk for hours after each session. My PE teacher also stopped me from running as I was panting and my face went pale. But, I chose to finish it to challenge myself. I know running marathon seems impossible for me. But, I hope to complete it one day. Marathon is just like a life journey. It requires perseverance and mental strength to keep going. It requires to have the faith to know that I can do it no matter how painful or uncomfortable I am feeling in my body. Some people have partners to support them or run with them. For me, I know it is a lonely marathon but I know God is with me to go through it all. Of course, I will not go to the extent of dying for a marathon. I will make sure I am still in one piece after the whole marathon. If I could finish the walk for WYD08 with fever and chest pain with the heavy haversack and still came back in one piece after an asthma attack, I believe I can do it for the marathon one day. I may need more time to prepare for it. But, I am willing to give it a try unless my health fails me totally.
I am currently going through the Soulcraft: Crossing into the mysteries of Nature and Psyche. It is a book from Bill Plotkin. It serves as an experiential guide to the wilderness of the soul. I know it takes on a healthy ego and strong faith in God to go through this descent into the underworld to the soul. It requires one to face the darkness face to face and the process may go haywired if not careful. Somehow, I am very intrigued by it. I think it is time for me to abandon my old beliefs of myself, the expectations and opinions of the others about who I am supposed to be, die to my old self, etc. There is a lot of surrending to and of to be done. I really have to go deep into the underworld to identify and explore who I am through my unique soul which gives me my unique individuality as a child of God and how my uniqueness can contribute to the world and where I stand in the world. I have decided to take this major step as I am simply sick of the life I am having now though I do earn more money, enjoy the material comfort and even luxury meant for the rich, hold on to higher position, etc. I still feel this chronic emptiness and misalignment and misfit which thrust me into depression from time to time. I get sick and tired of conforming to what people want me to be. Anyway, throughout my life, I have gone through the loss of the most importnat person in my life, constant loss of job, hunger, poverty, living in fear due to a rare disorder which was later confirmed as a misdiagnosis after 12 years, almost losing my life, etc. What more can be worse? Anyway, we came into the world naked and what is so scary about leaving the world stripped off from all wealth, status, popularity, fame, etc.?
Instead of complaining and wasting time with such fruitless life, I rather plunge myself into the adventure of soul searching and descent into the underworld. It sounds scary. But, I am excited and scared of this spiritual adventure and discovery. I know I have to keep close to God and I believe God will send people to guide me from time to time as usual. I have always loved to venture into the unknown terrains since young. With my current job comng to an end in end November, I will have more quiet time to hibernate and immerse myself into the nature and find my soul. I know that this is the right time as my RO also asked me to explore my potential which may not be realized and asked me not to try too hard to do things just to fit into the general culture. She warned me it just does not work that way and it will keep coming back to haunt me. She has pointed it out accurately. I do feel miserable conforming to what others want that I keep feeling that I am losing myself again and again. Furthermore, Steve Jobs' messages,
“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
are apt to remind me of not trying too hard to live with the results of other people's thinking. Recently, I told my friend I am thinking of becoming a barista at Starbucks. She gave me the expression as if I were mad, thinking that I was too crazy to fall from an executive to serving people in cafe. To me, so what if I am paid much higher as an executive? I am not happy. I have been abused by bosses for many years. My pay is higher but my health deteriorates. I even have to take in more caffeine to stay focus on details which are impossible for me to concentrate on. I have been forcing myself to work in jobs that are just not for me. But, for survival, I force myself to take the jobs up while having gradual suicide within.
I can't go on life like this. After my job, I need at least one month to recover from the damage that I have done to my health for the past one year with much caffeine and medicine in my body. I also need to recuperate from my emotional and spiritual damage under the leadership of that monster. It is a good time to go down to such spiritual descent and do deep soul searching durng my break. Frankly speaking, many people have been labelling me as ugly, stupid, eccentric, unstable, thick-skinned, etc. I do get upset during those moments when these labels were slapped on me. But, I know I am still loved by God by the fact that I still exist. God is not so stupid as to allow such 'inferior' product to destroy what He has created. The fact that certain waste can be recycled sends me the message that no matter how unworthy or lousy I may feel about myself at times, I have my own worth and values and gifts to others in the world. God can creatively 'recycle' me for use in the world.
My journey into the wilderness of the soul has begun. I even had weird dream that pushed me to go deep into certain regrets. I know it is going to be tough but I agree with Bill Plotkin that it is not enough to go upwards to the Spirit, to God for holiness. To me, I gather that in order to be holy, one does have to go down to the underworld for one's soul to know who he is and how he stands in the world so that he can continue to go upward to go closer to holiness as his unique self within the community. To be holistic, it is essential to strike this balance among the 3 components of going upward to holiness, having healthy ego for daily living and going down to the underworld for deep soul searching. If one does not even know what his soul is and how he stands in the world, how is he going to appreciate himself as who he is as a beautiful masterpiece of God and then finding the right approach and vocation to go closer to holiness through his contribution being God's instrument of Love to share God's love with the others?
My sharing here is just my discovery at the intial stage. I am not a preacher nor a psychologist. It is just my persoanl sharing. That's all for my sharing now. Have to go to sleep. Will be going on course from tomorrow to Wednesday. I am looking forward to my course. I love learning new things. I always believe that one has to keep improving himself to be better and better. Life without growth means being stagnant and it means death. Only when things are dead, they do not grow. I am happy going to the zoo today. It was my first lesson learnt from the nature. I was joking with my friend about identifying some people we know and daily life happening with some animals and the situation we saw in the zoo. Nature has got alot more to offer and enrich our souls. Sometimes, we learn more deeply about ourselves by identifying oursleves with the animals in the nature or situation that we are in with the nature happeing such as storms, natural disaster, animal fighting, etc. Whenever you are lost or confused, go back to the nature to find yourself and get healed. Trust me. God never fails to work through his divine healing through his created nature. :)
With Love,
Elena
I am currently going through the Soulcraft: Crossing into the mysteries of Nature and Psyche. It is a book from Bill Plotkin. It serves as an experiential guide to the wilderness of the soul. I know it takes on a healthy ego and strong faith in God to go through this descent into the underworld to the soul. It requires one to face the darkness face to face and the process may go haywired if not careful. Somehow, I am very intrigued by it. I think it is time for me to abandon my old beliefs of myself, the expectations and opinions of the others about who I am supposed to be, die to my old self, etc. There is a lot of surrending to and of to be done. I really have to go deep into the underworld to identify and explore who I am through my unique soul which gives me my unique individuality as a child of God and how my uniqueness can contribute to the world and where I stand in the world. I have decided to take this major step as I am simply sick of the life I am having now though I do earn more money, enjoy the material comfort and even luxury meant for the rich, hold on to higher position, etc. I still feel this chronic emptiness and misalignment and misfit which thrust me into depression from time to time. I get sick and tired of conforming to what people want me to be. Anyway, throughout my life, I have gone through the loss of the most importnat person in my life, constant loss of job, hunger, poverty, living in fear due to a rare disorder which was later confirmed as a misdiagnosis after 12 years, almost losing my life, etc. What more can be worse? Anyway, we came into the world naked and what is so scary about leaving the world stripped off from all wealth, status, popularity, fame, etc.?
Instead of complaining and wasting time with such fruitless life, I rather plunge myself into the adventure of soul searching and descent into the underworld. It sounds scary. But, I am excited and scared of this spiritual adventure and discovery. I know I have to keep close to God and I believe God will send people to guide me from time to time as usual. I have always loved to venture into the unknown terrains since young. With my current job comng to an end in end November, I will have more quiet time to hibernate and immerse myself into the nature and find my soul. I know that this is the right time as my RO also asked me to explore my potential which may not be realized and asked me not to try too hard to do things just to fit into the general culture. She warned me it just does not work that way and it will keep coming back to haunt me. She has pointed it out accurately. I do feel miserable conforming to what others want that I keep feeling that I am losing myself again and again. Furthermore, Steve Jobs' messages,
“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
are apt to remind me of not trying too hard to live with the results of other people's thinking. Recently, I told my friend I am thinking of becoming a barista at Starbucks. She gave me the expression as if I were mad, thinking that I was too crazy to fall from an executive to serving people in cafe. To me, so what if I am paid much higher as an executive? I am not happy. I have been abused by bosses for many years. My pay is higher but my health deteriorates. I even have to take in more caffeine to stay focus on details which are impossible for me to concentrate on. I have been forcing myself to work in jobs that are just not for me. But, for survival, I force myself to take the jobs up while having gradual suicide within.
I can't go on life like this. After my job, I need at least one month to recover from the damage that I have done to my health for the past one year with much caffeine and medicine in my body. I also need to recuperate from my emotional and spiritual damage under the leadership of that monster. It is a good time to go down to such spiritual descent and do deep soul searching durng my break. Frankly speaking, many people have been labelling me as ugly, stupid, eccentric, unstable, thick-skinned, etc. I do get upset during those moments when these labels were slapped on me. But, I know I am still loved by God by the fact that I still exist. God is not so stupid as to allow such 'inferior' product to destroy what He has created. The fact that certain waste can be recycled sends me the message that no matter how unworthy or lousy I may feel about myself at times, I have my own worth and values and gifts to others in the world. God can creatively 'recycle' me for use in the world.
My journey into the wilderness of the soul has begun. I even had weird dream that pushed me to go deep into certain regrets. I know it is going to be tough but I agree with Bill Plotkin that it is not enough to go upwards to the Spirit, to God for holiness. To me, I gather that in order to be holy, one does have to go down to the underworld for one's soul to know who he is and how he stands in the world so that he can continue to go upward to go closer to holiness as his unique self within the community. To be holistic, it is essential to strike this balance among the 3 components of going upward to holiness, having healthy ego for daily living and going down to the underworld for deep soul searching. If one does not even know what his soul is and how he stands in the world, how is he going to appreciate himself as who he is as a beautiful masterpiece of God and then finding the right approach and vocation to go closer to holiness through his contribution being God's instrument of Love to share God's love with the others?
My sharing here is just my discovery at the intial stage. I am not a preacher nor a psychologist. It is just my persoanl sharing. That's all for my sharing now. Have to go to sleep. Will be going on course from tomorrow to Wednesday. I am looking forward to my course. I love learning new things. I always believe that one has to keep improving himself to be better and better. Life without growth means being stagnant and it means death. Only when things are dead, they do not grow. I am happy going to the zoo today. It was my first lesson learnt from the nature. I was joking with my friend about identifying some people we know and daily life happening with some animals and the situation we saw in the zoo. Nature has got alot more to offer and enrich our souls. Sometimes, we learn more deeply about ourselves by identifying oursleves with the animals in the nature or situation that we are in with the nature happeing such as storms, natural disaster, animal fighting, etc. Whenever you are lost or confused, go back to the nature to find yourself and get healed. Trust me. God never fails to work through his divine healing through his created nature. :)
With Love,
Elena
Monday, October 10, 2011
The courage to follow your heart and intuition
It's a cold morning again. Now, I am in the office doing my work with the music blasting through the earphones. I am taking a break savouring my Mocha and chocolate cookies after reading about an article on how Steve Jobs has managed his farewell before he passed on.
'The benefit of death, he said, is you know not to waste life living someone else’s choices. “Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.”'strikes me. I totally agree with such statements made. I guess for most part of my life, I have been trying to living according to people's expectations, especially from those of the authority figures. I am simply sick of that and that has been causing me unhappiness and misery. I am leaving my current workplace. That will give me some room and time to reflect and discern where I should go next. Basically, I have started my new life by first leaving my church which does not help me to grow to be better as a person. In fact, I have been very unhappy and tortured by the politics and pretension though I did try very hard to stay out of it. Well, my task there has been completed and everyone has moved on well. I have moved on. Next, it will be time for me to get out of my current working environment where my RO realizes that I have been struggling hard to get myself toned down and be like everyone else. I am glad to have her as my RO. She looks into my well being. She told me she is glad to let me go as I am torturing myself by forcing myself to fit into such structured and rigid environment with my fluid and free personality. She encourages to explore my potential which I still may not realize and look for a job where my personality can fit in as it is healthier for me to grow. She could see that I have been making very great effort to fit into the rigid culture here by changing myself. Like what my previous RO had told me, I am just a ball trying to fit into the shape of a box. It just does not work. It will just keep on haunting me.
I guess it is timely that I am leaving my workplace and have come across this article about Steve Jobs at this point of time. I think I get it from God that I should stop trying to be normal like everyone else according to what people expect me to be so that I can avoid the labels slapped on me since young. Life is too short for that. The people can label me in whatever ways they want. I simply can't be bothered nowadays. People who truly love me will never stamp me with negative nicknames or labels as if they, themselves, have got no flaws. I can only say that their hearts are only this 'big' to accept people who agree with them or fit into their categories from their limited capacity of mind. 'The benefit of death, he said, is you know not to waste life living someone else’s choices. “Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.”' Life is too short to live under anyone's expectations. Many times, I have friends or people who come to me for advice which I do not know why though I have often been deemed 'unstable', 'eccentric', 'weird' 'with artistic temperament', etc. for as long as I have lived. Often, I encourage these people to be themselves as I have also seen how they have tried to live according to what people expect of them and they live in misery. Some of them ended up seeing psychiatrist at IMH trying to live up to high expectations of the others. Some have tried to live according to what their parents have expected them to be and finally regret admitting they hate what they are doing and get lost when their parents passed on. I am thankful that these friends and people have confided in me as I have learnt alot from them. I find it a privilege that they trust me and allow such a flawed person like me to get into their inner worlds. No amount of money can buy such experience like how you can always purchase tour packages or air tickets to spend holidays overseas. That is why I love psychology so much. It is not about the study. It is about travelling into their inner worlds with them. It is about connecting our inner worlds with one another's, expanding the Kingdom of God. It is about being travelling companions with one another in life journey. These people may leave your life at anytime or vice versa.
I really have got no idea where I should head towards now. I just know that I have had enough of living up to people's expectations. Nowadays, I just accept that people just can't accept me as who I am even after I have tried hard to fit in. I will just tell myself they do not love me as who I am and I will let them go. I am a child of God and should not allow others to abuse me in any ways. Of course, I am not saying that I can have my own way even if it is not God's way. That should not be my excuse to sin and be wilful. If not, I will behave like an immature kid even in my 40s. I still have my weak areas for me to try to improve on and I will continue to be purified by God for me to be better and better. Christianity is not just about being good. It is about becoming better and better to live life to the fullest as meant for us from God. While I am still here, I have the mission to share God's love through my God-given gifts. For me, this path may be lonely. But, I should have got used to it. I believe God will continue to bless me with true friendships and relationships along my life journey. So far, though I have been insulted and labeled by most people, it is a miracle to me that some people still love me as who I am with a lot of flaws and eccentricity and instability. They are gifts from God to me.
I was advising my friend on last Saturday. As usual, we talked till 2am plus. She was telling me how she wanted to get back at her boss. I was pretty straightforward with her. I told her life is more than holding grudges and getting your ways even though the working culture will never allow you to do so. Life is a big piece of blank paper. And, that issue of getting back at her boss is just a small dot in that piece of paper. If not, it is not even a small dot just like how Singapore is not even a small dot in some of the world maps. Why fret and waste your life on that small dot when life is more than that? I simply do not understand. To me, Jesus' teaching helps us, human beings who tend to dwell into petty things with our small hearts and limited capacity of minds, to expand our hearts to accept and love others who are different from us and see life as more than our petty issues and widen our horizon for some greater which is Love which fills us with joy and peace, leading to fullness of life. Why not continue to move on by drawing a beautiful picture from the small dots in our lives? Maybe, through looking at things from different perspectives, praying for the people involved, etc. instead of cooping ourselves into the individual situations or bitterness? I am not sure how my friend felt. She might feel offended. But, I really do not wish to see her wasting her time on such petty stuffs. If she continues to get into such habits of getting back at boss and dwell into petty issues, she may turn into a leader who micromanages and causes chaos in any organizations in the future, just like the monster in my organization. I really do not wish to see my friend ending up like her in her middle age. I hope to see her happy and do well in life. Even if she is mad at me for being blunt, I hope that the words will help her to see things from a broader view. It hurt me to see her unhappy from time to time from being abused and got angry even to the extent of affectinh her health over things that will not change even if she gets back at them in certain sector as the working culture has been there for years which even the top management cannot change.
One thing I have to admit is though I have been unhappy about how the monster has abused me in some ways, I am thankful that she got me into this organization to learn things from the people here and know some nice people. For this, I sincerely thank her. She also has her own childike traits which appear from time to time. I complain alot about her to my friends and loved ones as I need to vent out my pent up feelings somewhere. But, I am really thankful that she gave me a chance to work here. I also hope that she will be happier in the future as I do not feel good seeing her unhappiness in her normal expression whenever she passes by us.
Ok, back to my work now. I am looking forward to my break in December after this job. I have bought my niece a stroller on last Saturday. It is to bring her out with us in December since the current stroller she has been having is heavy and difficult to fold. I am looking forward to spend more time with my nephew and niece before my niece goes for her operation for her kidney removal next year. Really have been praying that miracle happens and her kidney will function. I really do not see the chubby baby turning into a skinny and sickly girl from the operation. She is too young for such pain and suffering from such major operation. Meanwhile, I enjoy as much time with her. I am very touched whenever they welcome me with big smiles upon reaching home daily from work. They are my precious gifts from God. Trust me. I really feel the genuine love from them whether there isn't a tint of bias or despise. To conclude, life is short. Always remember that 'The benefit of death, he said, is you know not to waste life living someone else’s choices. “Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.”'.
With Love,
Elena
'The benefit of death, he said, is you know not to waste life living someone else’s choices. “Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.”'strikes me. I totally agree with such statements made. I guess for most part of my life, I have been trying to living according to people's expectations, especially from those of the authority figures. I am simply sick of that and that has been causing me unhappiness and misery. I am leaving my current workplace. That will give me some room and time to reflect and discern where I should go next. Basically, I have started my new life by first leaving my church which does not help me to grow to be better as a person. In fact, I have been very unhappy and tortured by the politics and pretension though I did try very hard to stay out of it. Well, my task there has been completed and everyone has moved on well. I have moved on. Next, it will be time for me to get out of my current working environment where my RO realizes that I have been struggling hard to get myself toned down and be like everyone else. I am glad to have her as my RO. She looks into my well being. She told me she is glad to let me go as I am torturing myself by forcing myself to fit into such structured and rigid environment with my fluid and free personality. She encourages to explore my potential which I still may not realize and look for a job where my personality can fit in as it is healthier for me to grow. She could see that I have been making very great effort to fit into the rigid culture here by changing myself. Like what my previous RO had told me, I am just a ball trying to fit into the shape of a box. It just does not work. It will just keep on haunting me.
I guess it is timely that I am leaving my workplace and have come across this article about Steve Jobs at this point of time. I think I get it from God that I should stop trying to be normal like everyone else according to what people expect me to be so that I can avoid the labels slapped on me since young. Life is too short for that. The people can label me in whatever ways they want. I simply can't be bothered nowadays. People who truly love me will never stamp me with negative nicknames or labels as if they, themselves, have got no flaws. I can only say that their hearts are only this 'big' to accept people who agree with them or fit into their categories from their limited capacity of mind. 'The benefit of death, he said, is you know not to waste life living someone else’s choices. “Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.”' Life is too short to live under anyone's expectations. Many times, I have friends or people who come to me for advice which I do not know why though I have often been deemed 'unstable', 'eccentric', 'weird' 'with artistic temperament', etc. for as long as I have lived. Often, I encourage these people to be themselves as I have also seen how they have tried to live according to what people expect of them and they live in misery. Some of them ended up seeing psychiatrist at IMH trying to live up to high expectations of the others. Some have tried to live according to what their parents have expected them to be and finally regret admitting they hate what they are doing and get lost when their parents passed on. I am thankful that these friends and people have confided in me as I have learnt alot from them. I find it a privilege that they trust me and allow such a flawed person like me to get into their inner worlds. No amount of money can buy such experience like how you can always purchase tour packages or air tickets to spend holidays overseas. That is why I love psychology so much. It is not about the study. It is about travelling into their inner worlds with them. It is about connecting our inner worlds with one another's, expanding the Kingdom of God. It is about being travelling companions with one another in life journey. These people may leave your life at anytime or vice versa.
I really have got no idea where I should head towards now. I just know that I have had enough of living up to people's expectations. Nowadays, I just accept that people just can't accept me as who I am even after I have tried hard to fit in. I will just tell myself they do not love me as who I am and I will let them go. I am a child of God and should not allow others to abuse me in any ways. Of course, I am not saying that I can have my own way even if it is not God's way. That should not be my excuse to sin and be wilful. If not, I will behave like an immature kid even in my 40s. I still have my weak areas for me to try to improve on and I will continue to be purified by God for me to be better and better. Christianity is not just about being good. It is about becoming better and better to live life to the fullest as meant for us from God. While I am still here, I have the mission to share God's love through my God-given gifts. For me, this path may be lonely. But, I should have got used to it. I believe God will continue to bless me with true friendships and relationships along my life journey. So far, though I have been insulted and labeled by most people, it is a miracle to me that some people still love me as who I am with a lot of flaws and eccentricity and instability. They are gifts from God to me.
I was advising my friend on last Saturday. As usual, we talked till 2am plus. She was telling me how she wanted to get back at her boss. I was pretty straightforward with her. I told her life is more than holding grudges and getting your ways even though the working culture will never allow you to do so. Life is a big piece of blank paper. And, that issue of getting back at her boss is just a small dot in that piece of paper. If not, it is not even a small dot just like how Singapore is not even a small dot in some of the world maps. Why fret and waste your life on that small dot when life is more than that? I simply do not understand. To me, Jesus' teaching helps us, human beings who tend to dwell into petty things with our small hearts and limited capacity of minds, to expand our hearts to accept and love others who are different from us and see life as more than our petty issues and widen our horizon for some greater which is Love which fills us with joy and peace, leading to fullness of life. Why not continue to move on by drawing a beautiful picture from the small dots in our lives? Maybe, through looking at things from different perspectives, praying for the people involved, etc. instead of cooping ourselves into the individual situations or bitterness? I am not sure how my friend felt. She might feel offended. But, I really do not wish to see her wasting her time on such petty stuffs. If she continues to get into such habits of getting back at boss and dwell into petty issues, she may turn into a leader who micromanages and causes chaos in any organizations in the future, just like the monster in my organization. I really do not wish to see my friend ending up like her in her middle age. I hope to see her happy and do well in life. Even if she is mad at me for being blunt, I hope that the words will help her to see things from a broader view. It hurt me to see her unhappy from time to time from being abused and got angry even to the extent of affectinh her health over things that will not change even if she gets back at them in certain sector as the working culture has been there for years which even the top management cannot change.
One thing I have to admit is though I have been unhappy about how the monster has abused me in some ways, I am thankful that she got me into this organization to learn things from the people here and know some nice people. For this, I sincerely thank her. She also has her own childike traits which appear from time to time. I complain alot about her to my friends and loved ones as I need to vent out my pent up feelings somewhere. But, I am really thankful that she gave me a chance to work here. I also hope that she will be happier in the future as I do not feel good seeing her unhappiness in her normal expression whenever she passes by us.
Ok, back to my work now. I am looking forward to my break in December after this job. I have bought my niece a stroller on last Saturday. It is to bring her out with us in December since the current stroller she has been having is heavy and difficult to fold. I am looking forward to spend more time with my nephew and niece before my niece goes for her operation for her kidney removal next year. Really have been praying that miracle happens and her kidney will function. I really do not see the chubby baby turning into a skinny and sickly girl from the operation. She is too young for such pain and suffering from such major operation. Meanwhile, I enjoy as much time with her. I am very touched whenever they welcome me with big smiles upon reaching home daily from work. They are my precious gifts from God. Trust me. I really feel the genuine love from them whether there isn't a tint of bias or despise. To conclude, life is short. Always remember that 'The benefit of death, he said, is you know not to waste life living someone else’s choices. “Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.”'.
With Love,
Elena
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Priceless Treasure- Life
Really get very drained from the presentation slides that I am forced to prepare for an event. The monster has expected me to finish the slides and she tend to have high expectation on such slides. Well, I am prepared that what I am preparing now will go down to drain as she has never been happy with any slides from my team due to her personal reasons which I do not bother to find out but to accept it since she is the boss. Here, I am cracking my head playing with the animation with Powerpoint.
I took a break away from my work reading Fr Ron's blog entry for this week. I totally agree with what he has shared. He was touching on the significance of numbers. Well, what sets my eyes popping out is the parable about the woman searching for that one coin and celebrating upon finding it. Fr Ron further elaborated on a woman rejoicing the return of a daughter who disappeared from the family. He was right to point out that in our daily lives, we hope some people whom we do not like or want to deal with to disappear from the family, community, etc. Many people can preach about welcoming people who have left the family or churches. But, how do they treat them when they go back? Have they even welcome them at all? Personal experience has taught me that once those people do not agree with them or are not like-minded as them, they are seen as outcasts or going against them. Worse still, no matter how sincere or true they are in serving in ministries, they are accused of having hidden agendas and some of the people or even leaders will try to ostracize them and kick them out of the ministries or even churches, warning them not to pollute the people in church. It is as if the like-minded people in their groups and they, themselves, do not have hidden agendas. Well, most of them do have hidden agendas and do not really have strong faith as they are not aware that they have doubted God's power to transform these people. I did question some of the leaders if these people who are broken or bad in some ways, especially the youths, are kicked out of church, where do they go? What is the the church for? What are the church leaders for? Just to mingle with others who seem holy and well versed in the church teachings or influential people who can support them in their recreation and projects? Didn't Jesus ever mention that only the sick needs the physician? Didn't he find the one last sheep even though he still had the 99 with him? Is it only understood at the head level? Does it sink into the heart and get it practised?
I have a friend who just posted something about him/herself on Facebook. Obviously, he/she did not know what to do that he/she googled for the answers. All I did was to advise him/her to accept him/herself as who he/she is. There is no need to please everyone. If he/she has made any mistakes or hurt anyone, just admit the mistakes and apologize so that he/she can grow to be more mature. He/She does not have to be harsh on him/herself. If he/she has not done anything wrong or hurt anyone, that is the people's problems. All he/she can do is to be understanding that all of us have flaws. That is why we are here to learn life lessons as human beings. I think it helped him/her as he/she 'like' the comments. I guess there are many people around us need advice from time to time. They are everywhere. Even right after natural disasters like typhoons or hurricanes, victims will face all sorts of devastation and trauma. Some are stronger than the others in recovering. That is the chance for the stronger ones to help the weaker ones. Reaching out to others is not just about arranged mission trips. It can be done everywhere, even in schools, workplaces, areas of disasters, etc.
I admit I have not been going to church nowadays. I no longer care about what the people in church are talking about behind my back. I have gone through the worst from them. So, nothing can be worse. I am happier with my life outside. Whenever I am feeling better, I will go for the masses to spend time with God. I am grateful that I have one or two church friends who will sms me or go out with me once in awhile. I will try to help others no matter where I go. Not that I am noble or holy (far from it), I appreciate the fact that I am still living. My health has been bad nowadays. Recently, the weather in Singapore is cold. I love the weather but I suffer physically. As I have not fully recovered from bronchitis, the cold weather nearly triggers my weather-induced asthma a few times. I still do not undertsand why the air con in the buses and offices is blasting away leaving some of us shivering in cold. During such times of suffering, I do appreciate oxygen which is free and I often take it for granted when I am healthy. Whenever I have breathing problems due to the cold weather, I appreciate the act of breathing smoothly daily when I am not sick. That reminds me to give thanks for the fact that I am living, still breathing. I still spend time with God through various readings. The only online material I am depending on is Fr Ron's weekly blog. Other than that, I rather spend time with my books wherever I go.
Watching movies and drama series are another avenues for my reflection. On last Monday, as my mum did not cook, I decided to watch a movie alone while having my dinner. It was a French show rated M18. The show was so boring that the young men behind me were complaining. I was disgusted with the show more than bored by it. The actors and actresses in the movie were showing some sexual scenes where the girls were shown naked and engaged with the sexual acts with the boys. They looked very young to me. I wonder if they were even 18 years old yet. I got very disturbed and disgusted by the sexual scenes from them. I wonder what has happened to the entertainment industry. Do they need to stoop themselves so cheap as to get these young people to act these sexual scenes for higher viewers' rate? Anyway, personally, I rather watch mature adults in such movies which I do watch for the plots or themes. I seriously detest watching young adults below the age of 21 in such movies. To me, there is no difference between child slaves as sexual tools and them. It is encouraging young people to engage in casual sex. It was shocking to me that I ever encountered a youth who confessed to me that she had aborted three times before she turned 20. I did pray for the entertainment industry to go through transformation where the movies touch people's hearts positively and influence our society in a healthy and positive way instead of focusing on how to raise the viewers' rate. Whenever I come across any nice drama series or movies, I will always share them with friends.
I have finished watching '49 Days', a Korean drama. The female leading character collected tears from three friends who truly loved her. One from her lover how secretly loved and protected her quietly all the while and confessed his love to her at the end, one from her best friend who always treasured her and the other one was a twist, which was the close friend who betrayed her and had affairs with her fiance at first and then leanrt her mistakes and did all she could to repent. From this twist, it reminded me that nothing is absolute. A sinner can always repent. One should allow the sinner the space and mercy to repent and be transformed. Poeple's hearts do change all the time. The other twist of this show was this leading character still died after waking up from the coma upon receiving tears from all three people who truly loved her. Her time was up. She only had six days to live in her body before her own death. At least, she has spent the good 49 days to fix all her relationships and spend time with her loved ones and friends and become a better person herself. But, in reality, do we have such opportunities to be in coma and be given 49 days to fix all our issues with people through our souls in other people's bodies? I doubt so. That is why life is so precious. We do not know how long we are going to be here. Life can be so fragile. Just one car accident later and you will be gone. Never take it for granted that you are healthy and you still have a lot of time and take it for granted. You will never know. Live each day as if it were your loast day so that you will never die with regrets, bitterness or bondages in the world. Then, you will be a free soul to meet the Lord when the time comes.
With Love,
Elena
I took a break away from my work reading Fr Ron's blog entry for this week. I totally agree with what he has shared. He was touching on the significance of numbers. Well, what sets my eyes popping out is the parable about the woman searching for that one coin and celebrating upon finding it. Fr Ron further elaborated on a woman rejoicing the return of a daughter who disappeared from the family. He was right to point out that in our daily lives, we hope some people whom we do not like or want to deal with to disappear from the family, community, etc. Many people can preach about welcoming people who have left the family or churches. But, how do they treat them when they go back? Have they even welcome them at all? Personal experience has taught me that once those people do not agree with them or are not like-minded as them, they are seen as outcasts or going against them. Worse still, no matter how sincere or true they are in serving in ministries, they are accused of having hidden agendas and some of the people or even leaders will try to ostracize them and kick them out of the ministries or even churches, warning them not to pollute the people in church. It is as if the like-minded people in their groups and they, themselves, do not have hidden agendas. Well, most of them do have hidden agendas and do not really have strong faith as they are not aware that they have doubted God's power to transform these people. I did question some of the leaders if these people who are broken or bad in some ways, especially the youths, are kicked out of church, where do they go? What is the the church for? What are the church leaders for? Just to mingle with others who seem holy and well versed in the church teachings or influential people who can support them in their recreation and projects? Didn't Jesus ever mention that only the sick needs the physician? Didn't he find the one last sheep even though he still had the 99 with him? Is it only understood at the head level? Does it sink into the heart and get it practised?
I have a friend who just posted something about him/herself on Facebook. Obviously, he/she did not know what to do that he/she googled for the answers. All I did was to advise him/her to accept him/herself as who he/she is. There is no need to please everyone. If he/she has made any mistakes or hurt anyone, just admit the mistakes and apologize so that he/she can grow to be more mature. He/She does not have to be harsh on him/herself. If he/she has not done anything wrong or hurt anyone, that is the people's problems. All he/she can do is to be understanding that all of us have flaws. That is why we are here to learn life lessons as human beings. I think it helped him/her as he/she 'like' the comments. I guess there are many people around us need advice from time to time. They are everywhere. Even right after natural disasters like typhoons or hurricanes, victims will face all sorts of devastation and trauma. Some are stronger than the others in recovering. That is the chance for the stronger ones to help the weaker ones. Reaching out to others is not just about arranged mission trips. It can be done everywhere, even in schools, workplaces, areas of disasters, etc.
I admit I have not been going to church nowadays. I no longer care about what the people in church are talking about behind my back. I have gone through the worst from them. So, nothing can be worse. I am happier with my life outside. Whenever I am feeling better, I will go for the masses to spend time with God. I am grateful that I have one or two church friends who will sms me or go out with me once in awhile. I will try to help others no matter where I go. Not that I am noble or holy (far from it), I appreciate the fact that I am still living. My health has been bad nowadays. Recently, the weather in Singapore is cold. I love the weather but I suffer physically. As I have not fully recovered from bronchitis, the cold weather nearly triggers my weather-induced asthma a few times. I still do not undertsand why the air con in the buses and offices is blasting away leaving some of us shivering in cold. During such times of suffering, I do appreciate oxygen which is free and I often take it for granted when I am healthy. Whenever I have breathing problems due to the cold weather, I appreciate the act of breathing smoothly daily when I am not sick. That reminds me to give thanks for the fact that I am living, still breathing. I still spend time with God through various readings. The only online material I am depending on is Fr Ron's weekly blog. Other than that, I rather spend time with my books wherever I go.
Watching movies and drama series are another avenues for my reflection. On last Monday, as my mum did not cook, I decided to watch a movie alone while having my dinner. It was a French show rated M18. The show was so boring that the young men behind me were complaining. I was disgusted with the show more than bored by it. The actors and actresses in the movie were showing some sexual scenes where the girls were shown naked and engaged with the sexual acts with the boys. They looked very young to me. I wonder if they were even 18 years old yet. I got very disturbed and disgusted by the sexual scenes from them. I wonder what has happened to the entertainment industry. Do they need to stoop themselves so cheap as to get these young people to act these sexual scenes for higher viewers' rate? Anyway, personally, I rather watch mature adults in such movies which I do watch for the plots or themes. I seriously detest watching young adults below the age of 21 in such movies. To me, there is no difference between child slaves as sexual tools and them. It is encouraging young people to engage in casual sex. It was shocking to me that I ever encountered a youth who confessed to me that she had aborted three times before she turned 20. I did pray for the entertainment industry to go through transformation where the movies touch people's hearts positively and influence our society in a healthy and positive way instead of focusing on how to raise the viewers' rate. Whenever I come across any nice drama series or movies, I will always share them with friends.
I have finished watching '49 Days', a Korean drama. The female leading character collected tears from three friends who truly loved her. One from her lover how secretly loved and protected her quietly all the while and confessed his love to her at the end, one from her best friend who always treasured her and the other one was a twist, which was the close friend who betrayed her and had affairs with her fiance at first and then leanrt her mistakes and did all she could to repent. From this twist, it reminded me that nothing is absolute. A sinner can always repent. One should allow the sinner the space and mercy to repent and be transformed. Poeple's hearts do change all the time. The other twist of this show was this leading character still died after waking up from the coma upon receiving tears from all three people who truly loved her. Her time was up. She only had six days to live in her body before her own death. At least, she has spent the good 49 days to fix all her relationships and spend time with her loved ones and friends and become a better person herself. But, in reality, do we have such opportunities to be in coma and be given 49 days to fix all our issues with people through our souls in other people's bodies? I doubt so. That is why life is so precious. We do not know how long we are going to be here. Life can be so fragile. Just one car accident later and you will be gone. Never take it for granted that you are healthy and you still have a lot of time and take it for granted. You will never know. Live each day as if it were your loast day so that you will never die with regrets, bitterness or bondages in the world. Then, you will be a free soul to meet the Lord when the time comes.
With Love,
Elena
Monday, October 3, 2011
Stuck
Had a good chat with a friend on last Saturday. We were chatting overnight and reached home to sleep at 8 plus in the morning on Sunday. I really enjoyed a cup of Mocha Latte with a Chicago cheesecake and chatting with a friend on a cold and rainy night. To me, that is romantic luxury. During the conversation, I realized that I have the same problems of not voicing out issues or problems be it at work or with friends. Normally, with friends who provoke or insult me from time to time, my limit for tolerance for one or two years. Then, I will blow up and leave these people. Most of the time, they misunderstood me for being petty over small things when I have been tolerating their nonsense for one year or two. I don't explain things to them at all. So, those people think that I am temperamental. Never would they think that I have been enduring their insults and provokation of any forms for the past one or two years. At work, the same thing happens. My RO talked to me last week when informing me about my failure in my probation period here. She wondered why I blew up at the scholar many times. There was one occasion she thought it was more logical for me to blow up at my other colleague as my other colleague was the person who asked me to do something. My RO thought I was biased. Then, I explained to her what happened between that scholar and me. I am pretty sure that I am not biased against him. His act of dodging responsibilities, especially when he created the troubles, simply disgusted me. He insisted on his ways even though his ways were obviously wrong and they hindered me from my tasks and might get me into troubles as well. Tension builds up between us as he kept on barking me on certain things which I have chosen to let go. Finally, when my RO asked me, then I confessed what happened all along. I know such trait of mine gets me into troubles. Most people misunderstand me as temperamental when these people have poked me repeatedly and I never shown any expression of disgust or anger at all until I blow up one day. My close friends and brother have been scolding me for it. To be honest, my teacher gave me a nickname as Golden Mouth when I was in Primary 5. I used to be worse where I kept everything to myself sitting in a corner and never confided in anyone at all. After Sec 3, my deceased teacher forced me to open up. Hence, I open up and I confide in my close friends and even reach out to others.
Was reading Fr Ron's blog entry for last week. He mentioned about this book by Bill Plotkin titled as Nature and the Human Soul. I have read a few pages of it online. I will be hopping by Kinokuniya to purchase the book later. I guess it is good for reflection and gain deeper insight into human soul with nature. I am selective in my choice of books. Some writers like Henri Nouwen are good spiritual writers. But, they simply put me to sleep. Most of the time, I prefer books that evoke deep thinking and reflection. I have read most of Fr Ron's books, books from C.S Lewis, Robert Barron, Paul Coutinho, Joyce Rupp, etc. They are my spiritual mentors.
My spiritual journey tend to be a lonely path as I simply can't connect with anyone deeply though I have friends and loved ones. I did try to go for spiritual direction but I find it boring and I become restless. I give up after trying for a few times. Sometimes, it put me off as some spiritual directors became biased and chose to believe the rumours people have accused me of. I never bothered to explain anything. So, I guess it is better for me to travel alone with the guidance from the books and other materials. The only blog I have been visiting is Fr Ron's weekly blog entry. He is very down to earth and honest about various situations. Also, his weekly blog entry never fails to expand my horizon to look at issues beyond self. Sometimes, I do have intellctual discussion with friends or occasionally, church discussion groups, which I enjoy alot. That is when we exchange views and I learn to look at my faith from other angles from the others' input. At times, my friends and I share about our lives, pondering on various life issues. Like what I have told my non Christian friend on last Saturday, I do not share my life story to gain pity. I shared my life story deeply with her on last Saturday as I hope to help her see things from other angles and she is not the only person suffering in that way. I do not want her to feel lonely, thinking that nobody understands what she is going through. We are all suffering in some ways. She can always choose to approach matters differenlty which does not tie her whole life with bitterness and unforgiveness. That was my first time showing my vulnerability to her which I do not enjoy doing so most of the time. I guess that might be the working of the Holy Spirit.
I do not know where I am heading towards now. Most of my friends are going through their higher education. I am still stuck. For them, even if they lose their jobs, they get help or support from their families. For me, I do not have any resources. I am literally on my own. That is why I still procrastinate. I get very frustrated. Being smart does not mean anything. It only causes a lot of frustration in such situation. If a person is smart, make sure that he is smart enough to get scholarship. If not, simply be stupid. At least, I am willing to accept the fact that I am stupid. Now, I am stuck in the middle of nowhere. At my age, I consider myself as very screwed up. I get very frustrated when a boss had told me if a student could only get 60 mark, there was nothing he could do further as he has reached his ability. But, if a student got 60 marks when he could get 80 marks, that person could not be forgiven for not working hard. Sigh! The fact is that I have worked hard but what I have been doing for my jobs are my very areas of weakness. There is only so much I can improve on. I can do well in other areas but I need higher education to get there. Many ROs have ever told me I may be capable but I cannot go higher and my pay will remain low as I do not have the paper qualification. I also know. What do they expect me to do? Of course, I can save up. But, for how long? Do I abandon my parents so that I could save up? The tution fees have been going up. Maybe, I should resign to fate. I blame myself for not being smart enough to get a scholarship for higher education. Even if I hate all the jobs that I have been doing and have to continue with such jobs due to my qualification, I guess I have to force myself to walk, dragging myself for the rest of my life. Who asks me not to be a smart aleck? I have given up on myself.
Ok, waiting to go home at 6 plus. Going down to Kinokuniya and library for the books from Bill Plotkin. Time for meditation through these books and catching up with other reading for my break in December. I am very tired. Can't wait for my last day of work here.
With Love,
Elena
Was reading Fr Ron's blog entry for last week. He mentioned about this book by Bill Plotkin titled as Nature and the Human Soul. I have read a few pages of it online. I will be hopping by Kinokuniya to purchase the book later. I guess it is good for reflection and gain deeper insight into human soul with nature. I am selective in my choice of books. Some writers like Henri Nouwen are good spiritual writers. But, they simply put me to sleep. Most of the time, I prefer books that evoke deep thinking and reflection. I have read most of Fr Ron's books, books from C.S Lewis, Robert Barron, Paul Coutinho, Joyce Rupp, etc. They are my spiritual mentors.
My spiritual journey tend to be a lonely path as I simply can't connect with anyone deeply though I have friends and loved ones. I did try to go for spiritual direction but I find it boring and I become restless. I give up after trying for a few times. Sometimes, it put me off as some spiritual directors became biased and chose to believe the rumours people have accused me of. I never bothered to explain anything. So, I guess it is better for me to travel alone with the guidance from the books and other materials. The only blog I have been visiting is Fr Ron's weekly blog entry. He is very down to earth and honest about various situations. Also, his weekly blog entry never fails to expand my horizon to look at issues beyond self. Sometimes, I do have intellctual discussion with friends or occasionally, church discussion groups, which I enjoy alot. That is when we exchange views and I learn to look at my faith from other angles from the others' input. At times, my friends and I share about our lives, pondering on various life issues. Like what I have told my non Christian friend on last Saturday, I do not share my life story to gain pity. I shared my life story deeply with her on last Saturday as I hope to help her see things from other angles and she is not the only person suffering in that way. I do not want her to feel lonely, thinking that nobody understands what she is going through. We are all suffering in some ways. She can always choose to approach matters differenlty which does not tie her whole life with bitterness and unforgiveness. That was my first time showing my vulnerability to her which I do not enjoy doing so most of the time. I guess that might be the working of the Holy Spirit.
I do not know where I am heading towards now. Most of my friends are going through their higher education. I am still stuck. For them, even if they lose their jobs, they get help or support from their families. For me, I do not have any resources. I am literally on my own. That is why I still procrastinate. I get very frustrated. Being smart does not mean anything. It only causes a lot of frustration in such situation. If a person is smart, make sure that he is smart enough to get scholarship. If not, simply be stupid. At least, I am willing to accept the fact that I am stupid. Now, I am stuck in the middle of nowhere. At my age, I consider myself as very screwed up. I get very frustrated when a boss had told me if a student could only get 60 mark, there was nothing he could do further as he has reached his ability. But, if a student got 60 marks when he could get 80 marks, that person could not be forgiven for not working hard. Sigh! The fact is that I have worked hard but what I have been doing for my jobs are my very areas of weakness. There is only so much I can improve on. I can do well in other areas but I need higher education to get there. Many ROs have ever told me I may be capable but I cannot go higher and my pay will remain low as I do not have the paper qualification. I also know. What do they expect me to do? Of course, I can save up. But, for how long? Do I abandon my parents so that I could save up? The tution fees have been going up. Maybe, I should resign to fate. I blame myself for not being smart enough to get a scholarship for higher education. Even if I hate all the jobs that I have been doing and have to continue with such jobs due to my qualification, I guess I have to force myself to walk, dragging myself for the rest of my life. Who asks me not to be a smart aleck? I have given up on myself.
Ok, waiting to go home at 6 plus. Going down to Kinokuniya and library for the books from Bill Plotkin. Time for meditation through these books and catching up with other reading for my break in December. I am very tired. Can't wait for my last day of work here.
With Love,
Elena
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)