Attempting a full fast today. Have started fasting since 12 midnight. Intend to fast till midnight tonight. Very challenging as I need to work today and every Friday is the busiest day at workplace weekly. Obviously, my body system is abit down as I am feeling unusually cold and blood sugar level seems to be going down with giddiness. Well, it does not matter. I will break fast if I think the fast is causing harm to my body. I believe the purpose of fasting is not to do it to the point of causing damage to my body. Now, I totally depend on faith for my fast at workplace today.
3 main reasons for my fast:
1) Fast for a friend who is going through a major procedure. Hope that he will have a successful transplant and be transformed within. Pray that he will be healed inside out while receiving this gift of love to continue to live with gratitude and continue to extend this love to ALL others. Pray that he will serve All with sincere heart and learn to love others, himself and God in Christ way. Hope that he will be more Christ centered and come to realization about certain things.
Towards him, as mentioned in my earlier posts, I have done my best. He cannot get it means he cannot get it. If he is only at a certain level, I cannot force him to go up higher overnight. I think he needs more time for certain realization. Hopefully, I hope that he will wake up before it is too late as he looks back and regrets what he has done and what he has stubbornly not done. Dying in peace is not just about going home to the Lord and seemingly obeying God and gaining recognition from many people. Whether one passes through the narrow gate to heaven depends on the spiritual state of the soul upon death which stems from his daily living with the others. I think he has failed to see why I keep asking him for reconciliation with him. If he thinks I am there to gain his liking, his favour or even attention, he has completely misses the point and totally can't get it at all. It is not just for myself but also for him. Obviously, based on his behaviour and treatment towards me, he catches no ball. I really hope that he will wake up and realize that fame and attention from all around the world is going to drift him away from God as the attention is totally on self. As the public self and true self (as created by God in the process of becoming that unique being throughout his life according to God's will) drifts further and further away from each other with the gap getting bigger, the person will feel more disintegrated and ever more confused and miserable. People can no longer communicate with his true self but only to the public false self, leaving the true self dying inside. How can God fill the person within if the people around him keep spoiling him with what he wants, the attention he wants to encourage the narcissism and inflated ego in him, driving him to be ever more self centered? Is there any more space for God?
If you think he is my boyfriend, he is not. I am a realist. I know very clearly he does not even care a damn thing about me. If I were to be the one with cancer, he does not even visit me or care at all. This is a fact. He has never ever considered my feelings and situation. All he cares is about his own suffering, fame, feelings and popularity with many people. I know I am foolish. But, if I pray for him only when he treats me well, that is a transaction but not love. All along, whenever I write something to him, he will reply in some ways telling me he has more expertise in those areas. It is all about impressing others and competing with me who is better in those areas. I think he has never understood what love is. It will be disastrous if I were to marry him. Most probably, if I fall very sick or when people gossip about me or we have some disagreement, he will be the first person to leave me. Actually, I don't have to worry that he will die or kill himself. He is a self centered person and will never allow bad things to happen to him. Even if bad things happen to him beyond his control, he will make use of them to bring attention to himself. Basically, his whole life is about self most of the time though I also have to give him the credits that he does care for certain groups of people but not all. I wonder if he will ever wake up and start realizing that. His behaviour, words and mannerism have been consistent to show that. I hope he will stop seeing that people are trying to put him down or attacking him. Sometimes, when people bother to tell you your areas of improvement, it shows that people bother, people care, people want to see you improve and lead a more fulfilling life. In our case, it's not like he is going to marry me if he is transformed. I don't gain anything out of it at all. In fact, I get scolding, shouted at, and receive nasty treatment from him most of the time. I can answer to God I have loved him as much as I can. Now, the rest is up to him to come to realization and transformation.
As for me, if he still wants me as a friend, he can always look for me and reconcile with me. If not, I will just take it as he has never waken up and still full of pride. If there is strong pride, there is no room for love. I guess now, it is all up to him. No matter what, I hope he will be healthy in body, mind, spirit and soul after he is out of his procedure. Hope that he will learn to love himself, others and God sincerely. Sincerity is what I hope to see from him. I believe he will not die and have many years to live ahead. It is best that he stays away from those people who keep spoiling him which he still fails to see now. If not, he will never learn what true humility and sincerity is. Therefore, he can never live in truth but with his public false self to continue inflating his ego and promote narcissism while feeling ever emptier and emptier, more and more miserable within.
2) My other reason for fasting is for my godson. It is a heart pain to receive the news recently that his eyes are not developed properly and are lazy eyes. He may go blind if his eye sight deteriorates. He is only 4 years old. His sister has gone for a kidney removal last year. Now, it is his turn to experience poor health at such tender age. He is very cute and has a very nice smile. He likes angry birds and somehow, he does look like the red angry bird. I wonder why he has to suffer poor health. I hope to see miracle that his eyes will be healed. Even if they are not healed, he will continue to grow to be confident, wise and positive person who seek to serve. Nowadays, whenever I reach home, I will make an effort to carry and kiss them, showering my love for them though I may be strict with them. I will never know what will happen next. As much as I can, as long as they are under our care, I will show them my love. It is really therapeutic to carry them to remind me that I am also a human who need hugs. It heals me in the process.
3) My last reason for fasting is for my own purification. It is time to detoxify my body and soul. I may be out of church. But, I have not abandoned God. I know I am very flawed hruting people along the way and am learning to love more and more in Christ way. My Catholic colleague was teasing me I was holy to go fasting. I relied it is precisely I am not holy that I need o fast. If I am holy, why even a need to fast at all? People like me should all the more fast. Fasting is a form of discipline and I know I am lack of that most of the time. Some people even commented I seem carefree. So, I will fast to develop that part of me which lacks discipline, to also help me to get deeper into not having things in my ways. It is also about emptying myself for God to fill this emptiness with love. It is more difficult to keep close to God nowadays with the emphasis on individuality and instant gratification in the world. I know I can be quite spoilt in some ways. Therefore, I need such fasting reminding me that I cannot always get what I want and the fasting is for me to delay gratification so that I will appreciate things and people around me at a deeper level. Besides, fasting is my form of sacrifice for God to heal me deep within. By emptying myself, I am also reminding myself I am mere dust without the breath of Love from him. Fasting also allows me to be one with God as there is nothing in me without any food. I only go on water for the water to purify me within and visualize the water to wash away my sins for Jesus fill me Or rather, to experience myself as part of God. When the fasting gets tough while carrying on with my hectic work, my focus turns to God to sustain me. My mind is on God. This is how I am one with God during such emptying of self. to experience the glimmer of what it means to be poor in spirit for God to fill me with richness, embracing the beatitude at a deeper level. It is also a means for me to be connected with the people deprived of food due to various reasons such as sickness, going through treatment, poverty, abuse, etc. It allows me to be one with the world. It allows this connectedness with the others for me to practise humility.
Ok, have to go back to my work now. Challenging fast while working but worthwhile. God is Love.
With Love,
Elena
Friday, July 26, 2013
Monday, July 22, 2013
Fame away from God
Have got advice from my boss and a mature friend. I have come to certain conclusions. After dealing with him for almost 8 years, I have learnt a lot about not seeing things on a superficial level. The funny thing is I was first drawn to his look of holiness. At the end of this relationship, I finally wake up from my years of delusion. What I see for years is just a face of fame. Pretty sad to see how he is drifting away from God towards fame which he may not be aware of. I think he no longer knows what humility is. When a person no longer has humility, what he writes or preaches are mere words that stay on the head level. He even uses his so called 'humility' just to show the world how Christ-like he is which ironically brings self glorification instead of giving glory to God. Between my emails to him, I did stop visiting his blog for weeks. I felt very vexed when I saw him appearing in the newspapers while doing my daily news monitoring for my job. His publicity has gone too far. Even before he appeared in the newspaper, I would have expected to see him publicising his illness in the newspaper one day.
Why do I keep on saying that his 'humility' is just for show? It is not difficult to see that when he asked about why he did not have to go through stages of grief like others and he has never had fear at all throughout his illness till now. That only goes to show that he was trying to drive at he is different from other normal people and he is unique. If he were to be humble, he should be thankful about not experiencing stages of grief and give thanks to God instead of comparing how different he is from the others. Then, why mention of being sad at all in one of his interviews for being denied of a donation? Why do I choose to skip reading his blog for weeks at times? I find most writing nowadays are just self glorification and showing his own uniqueness with his fans supporting his warped grandeur ideas which are not workable to average people. I guess such writing stems from fear and insecurity hidden away from the public. He also questioned why people kept asking him not to be afraid. Little does he know that people are not stupid and they could sense it even if you hide it. Besides, it is only human to be fearful. That applies to Jesus who also cried out to God in certain fear though he was going through his pain and suffering at the Calvary. If there wasn't any fear, why even crying out at all?
It is easy for people to fall into the trap of thinking that he is holy like how I was tricked many years ago. It is alright that they only read what he writes as they do not know him personally. At least, the writing can still impart head knowledge. However, if people know how he is still treating people who do not please or agree with him, they will know he has not changed abit. In fact, he has gone worse. When some people told me he had changed for the better, I truly believed. But, when I visited him, that was another story. I will never understand why he thinks people stalk him. Frankly speaking, I have no time for that. That one-time hospital visit turned into attempts from his email to me. He can write all he can about beatitude, mercy, forgiveness, grace, etc. but these are meaningless words as long as he does not practise it not just for his fans but also to his enemies. He has already failed this part which is the most basic expectation of a Christian. That is why I do not even bother to read his blog most of the time as it has become a platform for narcissism. It is getting worse using his illness for such attention and fame.
I have overestimated his level of understanding and depth. I think he can't get what I have written to him most of the time and think that I am attacking him personally. Sometimes, I can see that he is trying very hard to explain certain concepts I have mentioned to him. He tries very hard to write about it. In the end, I realize that he tries too hard. My friend is also right that he cannot view things from many angles and cannot think deep. I am at fault that I thought that being leader and expert in the area, he should be able to view things from different angles and think deeply. He may be well versed in theory but he is simply lack of experience. That is why he can be vexed that why he can't get it at times. Little is he aware that it is because of self righteousness and having heavily guarded heart that only allows a few rich and influential people to get near him and even serve only certain groups of people while rejecting people who are no like-minded or agree with him. How can a person look at things from different angles and think deeply if he only mingles with like-minded people? Sometimes, after reading certain posts with flowery language, it is no surprise that I still can't get what he is driving at. Sometimes, I even feel that he is trying too hard to explain the concepts when he obviously cannot go deeper that that level. Basically, it is not hard to see that other than sharing some personal thoughts and reflection, he is also trying to impress readers. From him, I understand that if a person cannot get it, it just means he can never get it. It's no wonder he keeps misunderstanding what I write. Besides, for a person who is overly sensitive, even if I have stated I am not there to attack him with words, he just can't get it. In this case, I have already said all that I can to help him to live his remaining years meaningfully. It seems that he can't get it and has misunderstood me deeply. I do honestly think that if he lives like an average middle income person like us having his own family, his writing will be definitely with depth and from many angles. Not only that, he will be truly transformed within. It's not that he is a bad person. It's just that he needs some experience outside his comfort zone to be a more complete person. His fans around me are the very people who drift him away from God by keeping on spoiling hi with the words that please him. How can a person even grow up if the people around him keep giving him what he wants? These people are drawing him towards fame but away from God as such fame will only cause him to be more and more self centered and leave smaller and smaller space in him for God. How to walk towards holiness then? How can there be humility when the ego keeps inflating with these fans around? Besides, he has been too dependent on them and even cling to them. God has been getting him away from them from getting him out of that place to getting him out of the country to isolating him with illness but he keeps clinging on to them. How to grow when one attaches too strongly to people who keep pleasing him even if he is wrong? I have been honest with him about all these matters. But, all he thinks is about me attacking him. I am too tired. In this case, since peace does not fall on him and he does not want to receive it, I will have to shake off the dust and move on.
I will leave him with his fans since that is his choice. Maybe, this is his way of having a peaceful death. Now, he is living his public self. As his fame gets the better of him, God is further and further away from him as his focus is getting all the attention to mask his insecurity and fear within. Why did I choose to tell him the truth that may offend him and make him hate me even more? That is because if he continues to blow his public self greater and greater to gain more fame and popularity, the gap between his public self and true self will be greater and greater and he will feel emptier and emptier inside though he may gain the attention and popularity from more and more people. His denial of all fears and feelings will only cause the fear and feelings to grow with the cancer cells and eat him within and he will explode one day. How can a person live in truth towards holiness if the gap between the public self and true self becomes greater, living double lives? It won't be long before he collapses and suffers from spiritual fatigue and ultimately spiritual death if he continues this way. Now, I have done all I can and he has misunderstood me. I can only shake off the dust and move on. But, if he is willing to open up his heart and reconcile with me, it will not just untie my knots but also his. Spiritually, we will be healed. It's a win-win situation. No point keeping on trying to prove me I am wrong in this and that or try to make me angry. We are no longer kids. Don't need to try to make each other angry. He is pretty self centered. He only cares about his pride and feelings and rather the surviving me to live with scar for the rest of my life. Time is precious. I really hope that he will wake up one day, especially during his transplant. Hope God will enlighten him and he will open up his heart to understand and accept certain issues. Hope he will learn to be generous and be forgiving. Though he may hate me now, I hope he will understand all I want is to see him living life meaningfully and at peace with himself and others so that when he leaves this place, it will truly be a peaceful death with love. If not, how to have a peaceful death when there are grudges and unforgiveness within? How can a soul be free with attachment to worldly matters and unforgiveness in this world? I always look at things far ahead. He may not die now. I am just preparing him his death much later on so that he will never have any regrets. If not, by death bed, with flashback on his entire life, I am afraid he can't take it and may die with regrets. By then, it will be too late.
I hope he will understand my love for him as a friend one day though knowing him since Day 1, I have always been aware that he is self centered. He has never cared how I feel but cares about his own face and feelings. As for me, I am blessed that he is not my spouse. If not, how to communicate as husband and wife since he can't get what I am trying to say most of the time? He just cannot think as deep and from many angles. Besides, how to have a spouse who is self centered and think about only his pride and feelings? Now, I am moving on praying for a new relationship where the man who is willed by God to be my spouse to enter my life and we start developing our relationship towards marriage. How about him? All I can do is for him to wake up one day and reconcile with me. I hope he will stop being a coward and be generous to communicate with me directly. When he learns to forgive me and reconcile with me, then he truly embraces the virtues of beatitude and extend the mercy and grace from God to me. Hope this miracle will happen. Hope that he won't be swallowed by fame and lose sight of God. When is he going to get what I am trying to say? Will he ever get it? Only God knows.
With Love,
Elena
Why do I keep on saying that his 'humility' is just for show? It is not difficult to see that when he asked about why he did not have to go through stages of grief like others and he has never had fear at all throughout his illness till now. That only goes to show that he was trying to drive at he is different from other normal people and he is unique. If he were to be humble, he should be thankful about not experiencing stages of grief and give thanks to God instead of comparing how different he is from the others. Then, why mention of being sad at all in one of his interviews for being denied of a donation? Why do I choose to skip reading his blog for weeks at times? I find most writing nowadays are just self glorification and showing his own uniqueness with his fans supporting his warped grandeur ideas which are not workable to average people. I guess such writing stems from fear and insecurity hidden away from the public. He also questioned why people kept asking him not to be afraid. Little does he know that people are not stupid and they could sense it even if you hide it. Besides, it is only human to be fearful. That applies to Jesus who also cried out to God in certain fear though he was going through his pain and suffering at the Calvary. If there wasn't any fear, why even crying out at all?
It is easy for people to fall into the trap of thinking that he is holy like how I was tricked many years ago. It is alright that they only read what he writes as they do not know him personally. At least, the writing can still impart head knowledge. However, if people know how he is still treating people who do not please or agree with him, they will know he has not changed abit. In fact, he has gone worse. When some people told me he had changed for the better, I truly believed. But, when I visited him, that was another story. I will never understand why he thinks people stalk him. Frankly speaking, I have no time for that. That one-time hospital visit turned into attempts from his email to me. He can write all he can about beatitude, mercy, forgiveness, grace, etc. but these are meaningless words as long as he does not practise it not just for his fans but also to his enemies. He has already failed this part which is the most basic expectation of a Christian. That is why I do not even bother to read his blog most of the time as it has become a platform for narcissism. It is getting worse using his illness for such attention and fame.
I have overestimated his level of understanding and depth. I think he can't get what I have written to him most of the time and think that I am attacking him personally. Sometimes, I can see that he is trying very hard to explain certain concepts I have mentioned to him. He tries very hard to write about it. In the end, I realize that he tries too hard. My friend is also right that he cannot view things from many angles and cannot think deep. I am at fault that I thought that being leader and expert in the area, he should be able to view things from different angles and think deeply. He may be well versed in theory but he is simply lack of experience. That is why he can be vexed that why he can't get it at times. Little is he aware that it is because of self righteousness and having heavily guarded heart that only allows a few rich and influential people to get near him and even serve only certain groups of people while rejecting people who are no like-minded or agree with him. How can a person look at things from different angles and think deeply if he only mingles with like-minded people? Sometimes, after reading certain posts with flowery language, it is no surprise that I still can't get what he is driving at. Sometimes, I even feel that he is trying too hard to explain the concepts when he obviously cannot go deeper that that level. Basically, it is not hard to see that other than sharing some personal thoughts and reflection, he is also trying to impress readers. From him, I understand that if a person cannot get it, it just means he can never get it. It's no wonder he keeps misunderstanding what I write. Besides, for a person who is overly sensitive, even if I have stated I am not there to attack him with words, he just can't get it. In this case, I have already said all that I can to help him to live his remaining years meaningfully. It seems that he can't get it and has misunderstood me deeply. I do honestly think that if he lives like an average middle income person like us having his own family, his writing will be definitely with depth and from many angles. Not only that, he will be truly transformed within. It's not that he is a bad person. It's just that he needs some experience outside his comfort zone to be a more complete person. His fans around me are the very people who drift him away from God by keeping on spoiling hi with the words that please him. How can a person even grow up if the people around him keep giving him what he wants? These people are drawing him towards fame but away from God as such fame will only cause him to be more and more self centered and leave smaller and smaller space in him for God. How to walk towards holiness then? How can there be humility when the ego keeps inflating with these fans around? Besides, he has been too dependent on them and even cling to them. God has been getting him away from them from getting him out of that place to getting him out of the country to isolating him with illness but he keeps clinging on to them. How to grow when one attaches too strongly to people who keep pleasing him even if he is wrong? I have been honest with him about all these matters. But, all he thinks is about me attacking him. I am too tired. In this case, since peace does not fall on him and he does not want to receive it, I will have to shake off the dust and move on.
I will leave him with his fans since that is his choice. Maybe, this is his way of having a peaceful death. Now, he is living his public self. As his fame gets the better of him, God is further and further away from him as his focus is getting all the attention to mask his insecurity and fear within. Why did I choose to tell him the truth that may offend him and make him hate me even more? That is because if he continues to blow his public self greater and greater to gain more fame and popularity, the gap between his public self and true self will be greater and greater and he will feel emptier and emptier inside though he may gain the attention and popularity from more and more people. His denial of all fears and feelings will only cause the fear and feelings to grow with the cancer cells and eat him within and he will explode one day. How can a person live in truth towards holiness if the gap between the public self and true self becomes greater, living double lives? It won't be long before he collapses and suffers from spiritual fatigue and ultimately spiritual death if he continues this way. Now, I have done all I can and he has misunderstood me. I can only shake off the dust and move on. But, if he is willing to open up his heart and reconcile with me, it will not just untie my knots but also his. Spiritually, we will be healed. It's a win-win situation. No point keeping on trying to prove me I am wrong in this and that or try to make me angry. We are no longer kids. Don't need to try to make each other angry. He is pretty self centered. He only cares about his pride and feelings and rather the surviving me to live with scar for the rest of my life. Time is precious. I really hope that he will wake up one day, especially during his transplant. Hope God will enlighten him and he will open up his heart to understand and accept certain issues. Hope he will learn to be generous and be forgiving. Though he may hate me now, I hope he will understand all I want is to see him living life meaningfully and at peace with himself and others so that when he leaves this place, it will truly be a peaceful death with love. If not, how to have a peaceful death when there are grudges and unforgiveness within? How can a soul be free with attachment to worldly matters and unforgiveness in this world? I always look at things far ahead. He may not die now. I am just preparing him his death much later on so that he will never have any regrets. If not, by death bed, with flashback on his entire life, I am afraid he can't take it and may die with regrets. By then, it will be too late.
I hope he will understand my love for him as a friend one day though knowing him since Day 1, I have always been aware that he is self centered. He has never cared how I feel but cares about his own face and feelings. As for me, I am blessed that he is not my spouse. If not, how to communicate as husband and wife since he can't get what I am trying to say most of the time? He just cannot think as deep and from many angles. Besides, how to have a spouse who is self centered and think about only his pride and feelings? Now, I am moving on praying for a new relationship where the man who is willed by God to be my spouse to enter my life and we start developing our relationship towards marriage. How about him? All I can do is for him to wake up one day and reconcile with me. I hope he will stop being a coward and be generous to communicate with me directly. When he learns to forgive me and reconcile with me, then he truly embraces the virtues of beatitude and extend the mercy and grace from God to me. Hope this miracle will happen. Hope that he won't be swallowed by fame and lose sight of God. When is he going to get what I am trying to say? Will he ever get it? Only God knows.
With Love,
Elena
Friday, July 19, 2013
Between Fear and Faith is just a Thin Line
It is rather amusing that a person creating another email account as 'Get Lost' just to send an email to me. If not for the email account name, I would not have guessed that it was him as only he is capable of doing such things. Thank you for the efforts. When I first read the email, what came to me was peace. Maybe, deep down, I know that the other party has steeped himself too deeply into fame. That wakes me up. It is an eye opener to me that a leader can make use of his sickness to try to be in the limelight. I would not think that I have misunderstood him. Even before he appeared in the newspaper, I would have expected that to happen. In fact, a few people had left the place because they commented the pulpit had become a stage for showy performance. What surprised me was that on the verge of dying, fame is still so important to a person that it has become more important than God. To me, it is very scary that when one has the power and in leadership position, one abuses his power to gain popularity and fame even with sickness. They are playing God. What they write or preach is no longer 'human'. It is too head in the cloud at the expense of denying all feelings, pain and suffering as a human. This is my first encounter with such matter. I guess there is always 'first time' in our lives.
I have done reflection on this encounter. Firstly, I am not here to please. Yes, a person may be sick and needs comfort. I do empathize with people who are sick. I do show my care and concern. But, not when they have tried to be a saint and teach other sickly people to deny all fears, feelings, pain, etc. No matter how holy we may be, we are still human afterall with feelings, flesh and blood. I often wonder if I should be honest about it or I should comfort the person by saying what he wants to hear. I may comfort him but in order to have a peaceful death, it is not just about saying what comforts him but to help him to accept his sickness including his pain, feelings, vulnerability, fear, etc. I have tried to comfort him by saying what he wants to hear. But, I realize that that will only support him in drifting him away from God through his seemingly charitable deeds. It has been consistent that he is using his illness to gain attention and even fame. How can a sickness be blessing? His friend even supports such view. It is never. A sickly person may be cheerful and happy. But, does it mean that a person has got no fear? Yes, having fear of the Lord is healthy but not to the extent of not fearing to die. Healthy fear of death shows the person is truly human and loves to be in this world which is God's creation with his loved ones and friends. It does not mean that fear of Lord can deny every other fears. That is too head in the cloud. It is true that when one faces death or terminal illnesses, one will have mood swings, sadness, fears, anger, etc. It is very human. Look at Talia, the cancer Youtube star who has died recently. She was only 13 years old when she died from cancer. She refused to wear wigs but chose to teach people how to beautify themselves through make-up. She was well known as cheerful and jovial and yet she was true to herself by confessing that she was so young and why she had to get the illness. I admire her honest confession of her vulnerability. It touches the heart. It shows she was a human with feelings. She faced her cancer honestly. Only through vulnerability, will a person allow God to work through such cracks into the core for healing. When one denies all these feelings, vulnerability, fears, etc., not only the writing is no longer realistic but it will lead to more people with the illness to live in denial. It is not teaching people to face the illness honestly with an openness to healing but to suppress all these feelings, fears, negativity which will ultimately lead to explosion and making the handling of illness tougher. I was just voicing out why he did not feel the grief which others did to help him to have a more complete picture so that his writing could really touch others who are not in vocation and have dependents in their lives. When it comes to sickness, it is not just as simple as a person suffering alone. It involves others in that sickly person's life and what to do with the responsibilities that he has been shouldering if he were to be gone. How about children? Isn't it too not human without feelings, without fear? I wonder if he ever suspected that in the disguise of calm and cheerfulness was denial to be vulnerable as a human. If not, he would not have shouted at me when I visited him in the hospital.
Secondly, it is very scary to know a person with both public and private personas. You no longer know who he is. You don't know if you should communicate with the public him or the private him. If I communicate with the public him, I will only lead him away from God and he will never grow. He will feel ever emptier and misunderstood. Ultimately, he will only die in misery. If I communicate with his real private persona, I will run the risk of offending him or getting nasty treatment from him if he prefers to live in his fantasy world. And yet, if he is open and sincere, you will help him to be himself with sincerity and he will become sincere with others and no longer has to live double lives. With double lives, whatever he writes or teaches seems holy and true and you expect him to walk the talk for most of them that he has taught. But, the true story is the person practises that to only the people he likes while being nasty to the people who don't. You think he has changed for the better but you will only get more tired and confused when you realize that he has not changed abit. The superficial face of change is just for public show. I am very tired of such communication. Ultimately, I know what kind of death the person is going to face. Only, he, himself, knows. God has not meant our lives and death to be like that.
Thirdly, it is easy to write and preach from our own comfort zones. Not everyone needs to go through poverty like others to truly live the virtues of beatitudes. How do I know if a person only has this head knowledge but not embracing the virtues from the heart? That is when you see how he treats the less fortunate, the poor and even his enemies. It requires one to truly admit and embrace himself as poor in spirit so that the richness from God is shared with all others. When a person divides the people around him as likes and dislikes with totally different treatment, you know the person is disintegrated within and has this subtle arrogance to be high up there, giving the privileges to the people he likes. It has become a fan club. Then, you know he does not embrace beatitudes within the heart. There is sense of entitlement that only if you agree with me, you are in the community. If not, simply get lost. There is no humility, forgiveness and mercy extended to ALL others. The beatitude also ties in the scenario where Jesus had meals with the tax collectors and sinners. He did not just go for the influential and rich. In fact, he lost his cool when people turned the temple into a marketplace. If he lives among us now, I wonder how many 'marketplaces' he is going to turn upside down.
Then, this is my first time encountering a terminal sickly person who instead of forgiving others, becomes higher up there playing God. Is that really fear of The Lord? If there is, why still treating others nastily behind the holy front? Did Jesus live that double lives? Normally, a dying person will let go of the grudges and forgive others as he has waken up that there is no point in bearing such grudges right into the grave. It affects the state of soul entering into the other world. The person will definitely miss the narrow gate as he is clouded by all these unforgiveness, hatred and grudges. I am quite taken aback that this person who stubbornly refuses to forgive people and choose to hold on to grudges. I wonder why. Is his hatred greater than the love in him? Is his heart only that small? I may have overestimated him and was so stupid to ask for reconciliation as I believed his change which was obviously foolish of me to believe that holy public front. Even if he wants me out of his life, he can put it properly without naming his email account as 'Get Lost'. It only brings the anger and hatred out of him.
There is also something I have learnt. A person may be older than me and hold certain position up there but it does not mean that his level of understanding and enlightenment is there. People grow at different pace and may not be according to their ages and positions. Based on his negative reaction and childish behavior (which I find funny), it is obvious I have overestimated this part of his. He simply cannot get it. As long as he doesn't handle issues within, he will never get it. I may have neglected that he does not have that level of understanding that I thought he has. He is not stupid. All he lacks is experience to live as an ordinary person. I did ask him to let go all the position, influential friends and luxury for only one year and I can guarantee with openness and humility and God's guidance, the beatitudes live deeply in him. I guess he thought I was trying to be sarcastic about his luxurious lifestyle. He got it completely wrong. Like I have mentioned, not all people need to go through the humble experience like that. Some people do need that to have certain level of enlightenment. I guess in his case, the pride is so strong that it comes with the attitude of who are you to tell me what to do since I am high up there. Fr Rolheiser who has been my virtual spiritual director and his as well did write something about issues living within our comfort. Why didn't he seem to get it? It's along the same line as what have written to him. They just coincide. For me, I look at the person and address the needs, especially areas of growth. Most people around him keep giving him what he wants to the point of spoiling him. There were a few occasions I served in the areas where he used to be in charge of. Most of them were quite screwed up in that women fought with each other or refused to allow the other one to join the group as they were fighting for favour from him. Scary cat fight to me over a man who could never marry them since they were married. Even seemingly godly leaders appointed by him left the groups suddenly, leaving the groups with no direction and in mess while the rowdy youths who were the rejected by him remain serving now. I wonder when he will ever wake up to see that his formation of fan club has been leaving trails of mess and fight among the people. This is the truth that I have been seeing and even helping to clear up for some. As long as he does not change and fails to see this, he will continue to leave such trails of mess behind. Everyone makes mistakes. Most importantly, we learn and improve and move on. It does not seem to be the case in this situation. I am sorry I can't please him even if it is easier and can easily gain his liking. But, that is not my role of dragging him away from who he is and away from God by allowing him to continue with such sins. It is akin to keep giving the person comfort food like chocolate to the point of luring him to want more. Ultimately, leading to health problems and even death. If I keep pampering him and pleasing him, he is spoilt and becomes not receptive to any growth which he is now. Now, it is sad that I am seeing him living like a spoilt king with people who keep giving him comfort food to the point of poisoning his soul. It is beyond me to do anything. I am not God. I will let God do the job of bringing him down before it is too late. The illness should bring him down. Instead, it becomes worse. I am also right to leave the church. Fr Rolheiser did mention about growing with a community of sincerity though the community is flawed. I agree with that. Personally, I do not mind that a community is flawed as there is no perfect community. The problem lies with I was in community of show and pretension where the church became a playground for the rich and influential. How can I ever grow healthily like that? Even blessing should be received by only some people whom the leaders thought deserved. Where is that sincerity? I know my last email to him might have hurt him. I was just speaking the truth in general and it was not about attacking him. I just hope when he is in remission, he can do something about it or improve on situation with his power. I think he can't get it again. I got it from him again. When is he ever going to get it? Maybe, I have overestimated his change and though that he could read my emails objectively without thinking that I was attacking him. Also, I have overlooked that his groups of people who keep praising him and supporting him even if he is too head in the cloud or wrong will never help him to see different views as constructive feedback.
I do sympathize with him as he has been trying to be a performer. It is easy to see his insecurity. I only went to the hospital once for reconciliation. He made it sound like I was always there. Need to call security in? I don't even know if he is in the hospital most of the time. Sometimes, I don't even visit his blog for weeks. How would I know if he is there? For him, it's always about being noticeable and attention. He may have a difficult past. That is why I do not shout at him in the public nor hate or bear grudges towards him. His vocation has dragged him away from God instead of drawing him near since his position has got ready accessibility to fame, popularity and prestige that he yearns for but are the very elements for his downfall. The worst matter is most people around him feed him more of such elements. He just does not see that and thinks that I am jealous of them. Oh, gosh! How do I shake him up from his delusion? With his illness now and upkeep with his public holy image, I would not be surprised that he may collapse one day as whatever in him eats him inside together with cancer cells while juggling contradictory double lives. I could still sense intense hatred in him. I am sorry that I cannot help in this area.
At this point, it is good that he has asked me to get out of his life. Somehow, though upset with his behaviour, I feel at peace at the same time. He is too high up there and I can never reach him. Anyway, who am I to go up there since Jesus does not even go up there for show? Besides, I can never stoop myself to please him like the people around him. Anyway, he is neither my boyfriend nor spouse. I cannot do anything if he persists such behaviour and attitude towards some people and life in general. I think that is his way of embracing Christianity which I can never grasp. He has chosen a path where he makes it tough for us and torturous for himself. I simply do not understand why. His current behaviour and words only prove that I have been right about him and he continues to cowardly hide in that small fantasy world. He does not even have guts to reply me through his own email account. I think he knows what he is doing is wrong and would not want to get into trouble. Then, why persists in such behaviour? He has not changed abit. Ok, I do not intend to tell other people whom he knows about this. No point. They can continue to see him as holy as long as they are helped in some ways. Maybe, that is also his way of living a holy life. Sorry, it is beyond me to understand how holy a life can be with double lives going on in a person at the same time. It is simply dark to me.
I have spoken to my boss about it as I need to handle his last email to me properly. We had a good talk as friends last evening as I was seeking advice from her as my senior. She is both a leader at work and church and has been successful in life. I still look up to her as a role model as she is a Christ centered leader with humility though she has come from a well to do family. People like her do not have to go through life of poverty to embrace beatitude. I was quite surprised that as a wealthy person herself, she also had problems with growing in churches where the rich and influential are. She also looks for a community where she can sincerely serve and grow with others. I am learning from her as I am aware of my various flaws. After talking to her, I know much better how I feel. It becomes clear to me that I liked him at that point of time and he had clearly indicated he chose me over the fans around him a few years ago. It's just that I could not get it. Sorry, guy, I have let you down and you suffered misunderstanding at that time.
My stand now is I will stay out of his life. If he is willing to let go of his position, fame, popularity, I am willing to go through thick and thin with him as his spouse if it is God's calling. Or, if he is willing to reconcile, we can always be friends. He can be very sick now or even dying. But, so what? Even if I am not sick, who can guarantee me that I can live beyond 50 years old? To me, no matter how long he can live, be it a few years, few months or even a few days, they are still gifts from God. Why not live truthfully and meaningfully with sincerity? A person can embrace and live in Christian way only when he is sincere and true to others and self. I was wrong to decide for him and even force him back to his vocation as I was thinking too much and stuck myself too much to my principles even though he had shown me he did like me and I did like him and was happy with him. If I could turn back time, I would accept him if he decided to give up his position instead of pushing him back at that time. He is talented. Whether he is in or out, he can still serve in creative ways. I will leave it to him to decide for now. As for me, if he is for me, I will make sure I will walk through his life journey with him loving him till the very end. If not, I will start anew with the man willed by God to be my spouse. If he wants reconciliation, we can always be friends. But, if he insists on leaving things in such miserable state, I can only ask if he is sure this is Christian living and he is really happy with things as it is now, if he is sure he is practising what he has been writing and teaching. I really hope that he will wake up.
I will continue to pray for him. If he wakes up after his transplant and wants reconciliation, I will reconcile with him. Throwing tantrum on me does not help the situation. I hope that one day, he will be man enough to face me and reconcile with me. Meanwhile, I will keep him in my prayers for him to recover.
With Love,
Elena
I have done reflection on this encounter. Firstly, I am not here to please. Yes, a person may be sick and needs comfort. I do empathize with people who are sick. I do show my care and concern. But, not when they have tried to be a saint and teach other sickly people to deny all fears, feelings, pain, etc. No matter how holy we may be, we are still human afterall with feelings, flesh and blood. I often wonder if I should be honest about it or I should comfort the person by saying what he wants to hear. I may comfort him but in order to have a peaceful death, it is not just about saying what comforts him but to help him to accept his sickness including his pain, feelings, vulnerability, fear, etc. I have tried to comfort him by saying what he wants to hear. But, I realize that that will only support him in drifting him away from God through his seemingly charitable deeds. It has been consistent that he is using his illness to gain attention and even fame. How can a sickness be blessing? His friend even supports such view. It is never. A sickly person may be cheerful and happy. But, does it mean that a person has got no fear? Yes, having fear of the Lord is healthy but not to the extent of not fearing to die. Healthy fear of death shows the person is truly human and loves to be in this world which is God's creation with his loved ones and friends. It does not mean that fear of Lord can deny every other fears. That is too head in the cloud. It is true that when one faces death or terminal illnesses, one will have mood swings, sadness, fears, anger, etc. It is very human. Look at Talia, the cancer Youtube star who has died recently. She was only 13 years old when she died from cancer. She refused to wear wigs but chose to teach people how to beautify themselves through make-up. She was well known as cheerful and jovial and yet she was true to herself by confessing that she was so young and why she had to get the illness. I admire her honest confession of her vulnerability. It touches the heart. It shows she was a human with feelings. She faced her cancer honestly. Only through vulnerability, will a person allow God to work through such cracks into the core for healing. When one denies all these feelings, vulnerability, fears, etc., not only the writing is no longer realistic but it will lead to more people with the illness to live in denial. It is not teaching people to face the illness honestly with an openness to healing but to suppress all these feelings, fears, negativity which will ultimately lead to explosion and making the handling of illness tougher. I was just voicing out why he did not feel the grief which others did to help him to have a more complete picture so that his writing could really touch others who are not in vocation and have dependents in their lives. When it comes to sickness, it is not just as simple as a person suffering alone. It involves others in that sickly person's life and what to do with the responsibilities that he has been shouldering if he were to be gone. How about children? Isn't it too not human without feelings, without fear? I wonder if he ever suspected that in the disguise of calm and cheerfulness was denial to be vulnerable as a human. If not, he would not have shouted at me when I visited him in the hospital.
Secondly, it is very scary to know a person with both public and private personas. You no longer know who he is. You don't know if you should communicate with the public him or the private him. If I communicate with the public him, I will only lead him away from God and he will never grow. He will feel ever emptier and misunderstood. Ultimately, he will only die in misery. If I communicate with his real private persona, I will run the risk of offending him or getting nasty treatment from him if he prefers to live in his fantasy world. And yet, if he is open and sincere, you will help him to be himself with sincerity and he will become sincere with others and no longer has to live double lives. With double lives, whatever he writes or teaches seems holy and true and you expect him to walk the talk for most of them that he has taught. But, the true story is the person practises that to only the people he likes while being nasty to the people who don't. You think he has changed for the better but you will only get more tired and confused when you realize that he has not changed abit. The superficial face of change is just for public show. I am very tired of such communication. Ultimately, I know what kind of death the person is going to face. Only, he, himself, knows. God has not meant our lives and death to be like that.
Thirdly, it is easy to write and preach from our own comfort zones. Not everyone needs to go through poverty like others to truly live the virtues of beatitudes. How do I know if a person only has this head knowledge but not embracing the virtues from the heart? That is when you see how he treats the less fortunate, the poor and even his enemies. It requires one to truly admit and embrace himself as poor in spirit so that the richness from God is shared with all others. When a person divides the people around him as likes and dislikes with totally different treatment, you know the person is disintegrated within and has this subtle arrogance to be high up there, giving the privileges to the people he likes. It has become a fan club. Then, you know he does not embrace beatitudes within the heart. There is sense of entitlement that only if you agree with me, you are in the community. If not, simply get lost. There is no humility, forgiveness and mercy extended to ALL others. The beatitude also ties in the scenario where Jesus had meals with the tax collectors and sinners. He did not just go for the influential and rich. In fact, he lost his cool when people turned the temple into a marketplace. If he lives among us now, I wonder how many 'marketplaces' he is going to turn upside down.
Then, this is my first time encountering a terminal sickly person who instead of forgiving others, becomes higher up there playing God. Is that really fear of The Lord? If there is, why still treating others nastily behind the holy front? Did Jesus live that double lives? Normally, a dying person will let go of the grudges and forgive others as he has waken up that there is no point in bearing such grudges right into the grave. It affects the state of soul entering into the other world. The person will definitely miss the narrow gate as he is clouded by all these unforgiveness, hatred and grudges. I am quite taken aback that this person who stubbornly refuses to forgive people and choose to hold on to grudges. I wonder why. Is his hatred greater than the love in him? Is his heart only that small? I may have overestimated him and was so stupid to ask for reconciliation as I believed his change which was obviously foolish of me to believe that holy public front. Even if he wants me out of his life, he can put it properly without naming his email account as 'Get Lost'. It only brings the anger and hatred out of him.
There is also something I have learnt. A person may be older than me and hold certain position up there but it does not mean that his level of understanding and enlightenment is there. People grow at different pace and may not be according to their ages and positions. Based on his negative reaction and childish behavior (which I find funny), it is obvious I have overestimated this part of his. He simply cannot get it. As long as he doesn't handle issues within, he will never get it. I may have neglected that he does not have that level of understanding that I thought he has. He is not stupid. All he lacks is experience to live as an ordinary person. I did ask him to let go all the position, influential friends and luxury for only one year and I can guarantee with openness and humility and God's guidance, the beatitudes live deeply in him. I guess he thought I was trying to be sarcastic about his luxurious lifestyle. He got it completely wrong. Like I have mentioned, not all people need to go through the humble experience like that. Some people do need that to have certain level of enlightenment. I guess in his case, the pride is so strong that it comes with the attitude of who are you to tell me what to do since I am high up there. Fr Rolheiser who has been my virtual spiritual director and his as well did write something about issues living within our comfort. Why didn't he seem to get it? It's along the same line as what have written to him. They just coincide. For me, I look at the person and address the needs, especially areas of growth. Most people around him keep giving him what he wants to the point of spoiling him. There were a few occasions I served in the areas where he used to be in charge of. Most of them were quite screwed up in that women fought with each other or refused to allow the other one to join the group as they were fighting for favour from him. Scary cat fight to me over a man who could never marry them since they were married. Even seemingly godly leaders appointed by him left the groups suddenly, leaving the groups with no direction and in mess while the rowdy youths who were the rejected by him remain serving now. I wonder when he will ever wake up to see that his formation of fan club has been leaving trails of mess and fight among the people. This is the truth that I have been seeing and even helping to clear up for some. As long as he does not change and fails to see this, he will continue to leave such trails of mess behind. Everyone makes mistakes. Most importantly, we learn and improve and move on. It does not seem to be the case in this situation. I am sorry I can't please him even if it is easier and can easily gain his liking. But, that is not my role of dragging him away from who he is and away from God by allowing him to continue with such sins. It is akin to keep giving the person comfort food like chocolate to the point of luring him to want more. Ultimately, leading to health problems and even death. If I keep pampering him and pleasing him, he is spoilt and becomes not receptive to any growth which he is now. Now, it is sad that I am seeing him living like a spoilt king with people who keep giving him comfort food to the point of poisoning his soul. It is beyond me to do anything. I am not God. I will let God do the job of bringing him down before it is too late. The illness should bring him down. Instead, it becomes worse. I am also right to leave the church. Fr Rolheiser did mention about growing with a community of sincerity though the community is flawed. I agree with that. Personally, I do not mind that a community is flawed as there is no perfect community. The problem lies with I was in community of show and pretension where the church became a playground for the rich and influential. How can I ever grow healthily like that? Even blessing should be received by only some people whom the leaders thought deserved. Where is that sincerity? I know my last email to him might have hurt him. I was just speaking the truth in general and it was not about attacking him. I just hope when he is in remission, he can do something about it or improve on situation with his power. I think he can't get it again. I got it from him again. When is he ever going to get it? Maybe, I have overestimated his change and though that he could read my emails objectively without thinking that I was attacking him. Also, I have overlooked that his groups of people who keep praising him and supporting him even if he is too head in the cloud or wrong will never help him to see different views as constructive feedback.
I do sympathize with him as he has been trying to be a performer. It is easy to see his insecurity. I only went to the hospital once for reconciliation. He made it sound like I was always there. Need to call security in? I don't even know if he is in the hospital most of the time. Sometimes, I don't even visit his blog for weeks. How would I know if he is there? For him, it's always about being noticeable and attention. He may have a difficult past. That is why I do not shout at him in the public nor hate or bear grudges towards him. His vocation has dragged him away from God instead of drawing him near since his position has got ready accessibility to fame, popularity and prestige that he yearns for but are the very elements for his downfall. The worst matter is most people around him feed him more of such elements. He just does not see that and thinks that I am jealous of them. Oh, gosh! How do I shake him up from his delusion? With his illness now and upkeep with his public holy image, I would not be surprised that he may collapse one day as whatever in him eats him inside together with cancer cells while juggling contradictory double lives. I could still sense intense hatred in him. I am sorry that I cannot help in this area.
At this point, it is good that he has asked me to get out of his life. Somehow, though upset with his behaviour, I feel at peace at the same time. He is too high up there and I can never reach him. Anyway, who am I to go up there since Jesus does not even go up there for show? Besides, I can never stoop myself to please him like the people around him. Anyway, he is neither my boyfriend nor spouse. I cannot do anything if he persists such behaviour and attitude towards some people and life in general. I think that is his way of embracing Christianity which I can never grasp. He has chosen a path where he makes it tough for us and torturous for himself. I simply do not understand why. His current behaviour and words only prove that I have been right about him and he continues to cowardly hide in that small fantasy world. He does not even have guts to reply me through his own email account. I think he knows what he is doing is wrong and would not want to get into trouble. Then, why persists in such behaviour? He has not changed abit. Ok, I do not intend to tell other people whom he knows about this. No point. They can continue to see him as holy as long as they are helped in some ways. Maybe, that is also his way of living a holy life. Sorry, it is beyond me to understand how holy a life can be with double lives going on in a person at the same time. It is simply dark to me.
I have spoken to my boss about it as I need to handle his last email to me properly. We had a good talk as friends last evening as I was seeking advice from her as my senior. She is both a leader at work and church and has been successful in life. I still look up to her as a role model as she is a Christ centered leader with humility though she has come from a well to do family. People like her do not have to go through life of poverty to embrace beatitude. I was quite surprised that as a wealthy person herself, she also had problems with growing in churches where the rich and influential are. She also looks for a community where she can sincerely serve and grow with others. I am learning from her as I am aware of my various flaws. After talking to her, I know much better how I feel. It becomes clear to me that I liked him at that point of time and he had clearly indicated he chose me over the fans around him a few years ago. It's just that I could not get it. Sorry, guy, I have let you down and you suffered misunderstanding at that time.
My stand now is I will stay out of his life. If he is willing to let go of his position, fame, popularity, I am willing to go through thick and thin with him as his spouse if it is God's calling. Or, if he is willing to reconcile, we can always be friends. He can be very sick now or even dying. But, so what? Even if I am not sick, who can guarantee me that I can live beyond 50 years old? To me, no matter how long he can live, be it a few years, few months or even a few days, they are still gifts from God. Why not live truthfully and meaningfully with sincerity? A person can embrace and live in Christian way only when he is sincere and true to others and self. I was wrong to decide for him and even force him back to his vocation as I was thinking too much and stuck myself too much to my principles even though he had shown me he did like me and I did like him and was happy with him. If I could turn back time, I would accept him if he decided to give up his position instead of pushing him back at that time. He is talented. Whether he is in or out, he can still serve in creative ways. I will leave it to him to decide for now. As for me, if he is for me, I will make sure I will walk through his life journey with him loving him till the very end. If not, I will start anew with the man willed by God to be my spouse. If he wants reconciliation, we can always be friends. But, if he insists on leaving things in such miserable state, I can only ask if he is sure this is Christian living and he is really happy with things as it is now, if he is sure he is practising what he has been writing and teaching. I really hope that he will wake up.
I will continue to pray for him. If he wakes up after his transplant and wants reconciliation, I will reconcile with him. Throwing tantrum on me does not help the situation. I hope that one day, he will be man enough to face me and reconcile with me. Meanwhile, I will keep him in my prayers for him to recover.
With Love,
Elena
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