Nothing seems to go right since morning. When I came to work, it was raining heavily. Once I reached workplace, it stopped raining. MP3 spoilt for no reason. Online radio does not work. Food ecntre nearby closed for today and I forgot. Then, had to go further to buy food. Stomach still gives me problems. Went for budget and IT coordinators meetings. I got so lost with all the terms as I was the only first time there. My paperwork is already so poor and yet changes keep on coming in and my predecessors cannot help me. What should I do? At the rate I go, the monster will only think that I am not competent as she has never bothered to understand the unique situations. I am going crazy.
For the past few days, I have been reading some books and thinking through what my friends and RO have told me. I am simply not suitable for my current job as I am not a desk bound person. Worse still, paperwork has been my weakest area. Have been looking for sponsorships for studies but have failed. The kind of jobs that I can do without handling much paperwok requires me to go for higher education. But, I CAN'T afford. Have tried looking for a job overseas but have failed. I know I can't stand the life here. My nerves are always so tensed up that I fall sick often. Squeezing with people in trains, getting scolded at times when they are wrong, some people keep on sitting part of my seat that I have no more space for myself and I get stared at at times, etc. My best friend has spoken to me recently, advising me to move out of the house. She has been advising me to do that for more than 10 years as the situation is not healthy for me and I have been trapped for too long. She told me she wished she would have an extra room for me when she got her new house. But, she could not as she would be getting smaller flat to take care of her sickly dad. I was touched by her thoughts. I could see that she mentioned that sincerely. But, how about money for renting a room? It is not cheap. I am simply trapped here. I am so unhappy because in every aspect of my life, I cannot be myself. I am forcing myself to be who I am not just to survive. For the past two months, all I do is to do things to make myself happy so that I am well enough to reach out to the others. I have not been visiting my grandfather for the past two months. I am just too tired to do anything else. Everyday is a battle. I am so tired trying to be who I am not daily and get tensed up under a monster who picks at anything at anytime and blows it big . Yes, pay is higher but my health suffers. No home but a house to go back to where quarrels over money are not uncommon. What is wrong with me? Why is there no place for me?
Got into troubles in church and I am out. In romantic relationship, I like the wrong person who does not like me but I have tried my best to cut off until I bleed all over. When a man likes me and I love him, I cannot cope with intense feelings and intimacy. Some friends rub salt into my wound instead of comforting me when I fail in any areas. What is wrong with me? Why am I so bad to deserve this? I cannot be even true with my feelings and have to lie most of the time for the future of some people. I am sick of lying that I do not care. I am, sick of everything here. I am stuck with my educational level that I am trapped in jobs that I can't do at all and yet because of income, I have to force myself to be who I am not. People around my age are mostly married. I am still drifting like a bird without two feet. Why is life so difficult? Where is my home?
Despite all these unhappiness and fatigue of moving on, I am happy that the person I love the most will be starting his life anew somewhere. At least, he does not get stuck like me. I am happy for him though I can't bear to see him leave. I don't want him to get trapped like me. After he has left, I have to deal with my feelings and grief alone. I want him to start anew away from some people around him as I can forsee that some people around him are hindering him from growing and I am not in a position to tell him. So far, I can only see him going down the drain with these people. God is really Love. God knows my worries. That person is starting anew elsewhere. I know he can make it this time. For me, I will find a way to deal with my feelings. My mentality is one person suffering is better than two. Whether I can make it or not, is up to me. I will force myself to cut off mercilessly for his happiness even if it means to cut deeper into me. I will never want to be a hindrance to his happiness. Nothing to do with him. I have never blamed him for anything. I can only blame myself for handling the issues badly. Hope that after he has come back, his future and life will be more fulfilled with joy deep within. I give him all my blessings. As long as he is happy, I am happy for him.
As for me, good luck to me. I will just hang in there with God alone. I will not go back to church. Really scared to get into troubles again and hurt anyone. Hopefully, one day, a man of strong faith will marrry me and bring me back to church. If not, I will continue to spend regular quiet time with God through the nature and make friends wherever I go. I am better off as a lonely wanderlust as of now.
With Love,
Elena
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