Just feel like writing a reflection today after one yesterday. I have not really been going back to church. Somehow, when standing outside the Catholic compound and looking in, things seem to be crystal clear to me. In church, I may find myself too religious and not necessarily spiritual. I followed certain laws so strictly that I became stoic. I try to blend into the church setting so much that I almost killed myself as my church environment was not really healthy for growth. I was very harsh on myself as people around me were constantly judging me. I am not blaming them here as everyone is responsible for his own life. I am just admitting that I was affected by them alot to the point of getting depressed. I loathed what I saw but I kept it to myself most of the time. I did not want to get involved with any politics and fights and jealousy but some people just did not want to let me go and get me involved. It was not easy to go against the crowd just to be right with God. You may step on toes, especially people with authority, and that's it. Your life there may become hell. It's a lonely path and yet, you are at peace with God.
After I had completed my mission in the church, I decided to move out of church after much prayer. I prayed for a place where I could grow with a group of Christians with a serving, humble wise leader. After my foundation and necessary hell in church to strengthen my character and faith, I need a concrete example of serving leadership for me to learn from. I realize that in church, some seemingly holy people may write very well or even comment very well in some spiritual blogs but when looking at their behaviour, their words were not in congruence with their behaviour. They lead double or even triple lives. I have seen how they fought like animals in church and how they have formed fans' clubs and elitists' clubs in church out of arrogance and pride. I am not just referring to my own parish. I am referring to the churches I had been to in Singapore in general. I also did self examination and I was in danger to be part of them as I was arrogant and harsh on others at times and some people suffered because of it. I decided to move out of church, knowing that I would be more misunderstood for following an idol as if I ever have one. Finally, after two years of prayers (after leaving church), my prayer was answered when I met my current boss last year. She has dramatically changed my perception towards Christianity and bring certain awareness to me, especially in the area of suffering. In fact, I have grown more outside the church. According to my art therapist last year, she told me I was spiritual though I confessed to her honestly that I have been out of church. She explained to me being religious and being spiritual are totally separate things. She assured me I was spiritual. She is right in a sense that I also realize my faith is much stronger outside church. I feel more at peace. Thanks to my Christ-like colleagues and boss at work as I spend most waking hours with them. I am still learning. On my part, I spend quiet time on the daily readings. On certain days when I am too tired for any readings, I would just chit chat with God. Writing is also my way of reflection and spending time in silence with God. My mind is cleared through such avenue.
I am not sure if suffering has been emphasized so much in the Catholic church that some of us have been looking for it subconsciously to prove our substance within. I am not even sure if some of us have warped idea of suffering within the Christian context. I have come across some Christians with smooth sailing life looking for suffering so as to prove their worth. Somehow, blood boils within me whenever these people reveal to me they are out to look for suffering and I can't even believe that some wish to have it. Some even yearn for it!! To me, it is like the what the hell! They have missed the point totally. Worse still, their friends and people around them support them in that mentality, misinterpreting it as part of holiness. Gosh! Maybe, I am just not as holy or deep as them to see holiness in that way. Or, maybe, if a person is in that environment for too long, he is blind to realize that. That is also known as blind spot.
Have been reading articles on suffering. I guess looking from outside the church, my mind is clear in a sense that people do not just shine through suffering. To be exact, people shine through love. Suffering may be just one of the ways of bringing out love if accepted according to God's will. My boss who is in good health shines in her leadership. She has been leading rich life. In fact, I am learning from her. God is telling me through her that it may not mean that people only shine through major suffering.
Anyway, suffering may not be major at times. Being misunderstood or scolded is another form of suffering. Suffering ridicule or mockery from others is another form of suffering. Being abused at work or in relationships is yet another form of suffering. It does not mean that we have to go through major events like illnesses or loved ones' death that we may become deep with substance. Some people after going through them become worse with self pity or self destruction. Worse still, some may even think they can become saints in the future only after major suffering. Sometimes, I do suspect that some people with such mentality may have some undetected mental disorders or unhealthy self esteem as these thoughts seem to be compulsive and they may even be obsessive with sainthood. I am afraid even before they become saint, they become insane with unnecessary misery and suffering brought upon themselves with such mentality. How to live life to the fullest and enjoy God's blessings and miracles with such mentality? I may be wrong. That is just my thought.
I think some of us may have misunderstood what accepting God's will is all about. It is not just about accepting our major illnesses or facts about dying that we show that we accept God's will. It starts from the very nitty gritty small suffering in our daily lives. From my current boss, her suffering would be how she protects us as a leader while having to cope with the high demands from the management. She is working very hard daily, sometimes even while she is sick. When we get into trouble, she has to carry the burdens as a leader to protect us. She may have some minor problems in the family which we may not know. These are part of her suffering and yet all of us in the team really admire her humility and strength. So far, we all think that she is a good boss who practises the Christian values. She walks the talk. Talk is cheap. Walking speaks louder than empty talks. When we do something wrong, she never fails to forgive. Under her, she keeps on reminding me not to be so harsh on myself and set the standard so high that I suffocate myself. I listen to her and try to be more compassionate towards myself so that I will know how to be compassionate towards others.
That is her way of accepting God's will. She goes through her own suffering with God's grace. Suffering should not be the major focus in life. The focus should be love. I am honored to have met many people in my life. I like to study and observe people as my hobby. Some people may have gone through major suffering but have chosen to self pity and even self glorification with the tendency to be arrogant by placing self above everyone or trying to get attention from as many people as possible. I often feel very tired around them and I also feel tired for them. I also have some people in my life who have been leading smooth sailing lives and yet Christlike by forgiving people again and again and share what they have with the others with sincerity. This has taught me in life that suffering does not necessarily mean depth and substance in a character. Rather, it is more on what we focus on and approach towards life. Accepting God's will is also about accepting people whom God has allowed into our lives. If we try to get rid of them or change them according to our idealized images of them, it is not accepting God's will. We are just willful in trying to get our ways or no way. Who are we to change them? So, accepting God's will also means accepting people as who they are. We can advise them or help them to realize certain things which may have gone unnoticed or warn them out of love at times but we cannot force them.
I always place sincerity above other values. Before sincerity, integrity and honesty have to come in. How can a person be sincere if he can't even be true to self and others? When looking for close friends and examples of serving leadership, the very quality I zoom in is sincerity. People are generally smart. They will sense if you are sincere or not. Sometimes, it's just a matter of people wanting to expose you or not. To me, it is a rare gem to find sincere people around as the world has been promoting individuality and packages. I wonder how many layers of masks most people are wearing each day. It is very tiring to keep changing the masks. When a person is sincere, transformation can take place in a person as he is true to accept himself as who he is and embrace others as who they are no matter how different they may be. Generally, such people are open to receive feedback and keep improving on themselves. Some other Christian values like forgiveness and mercy will be seen in them. Instead of living in their own worlds, they are willing to open up themselves and connect truly with the others. Only a soul to soul connection with each person in our lives, will we truly have a deep and transformative touch on a person beyond superficiality, especially in pastoral ministry.
I am very proud to have very few sincere friends around. Sometimes, we may not like what some of us have said to one another and yet we forgive and continue with our friendship. My best friend and I have known each other for almost two decades. What I appreciate in her is her sincerity. She will be frank with me about my flaws and accept the whole me. One thing she said touched me till now when I asked her why she still wanted to go for another holidays with me as I know I can very hot tempered and impatient, "That is you." with a smile. Only three words but they go deep into me. We know each other's flaws but we never judge harshly. We are very different. I should say both of us are really at two ends of the polarities respectively. We just accept each other. Though we only meet twice a year due to our busy schedules, we are still close. She is definitely my blessing in my life.
If you ask me whether I have regretted leaving my parish, my answer is still a definite no. Honestly speaking, I feel more tiring inside with some people out to cause divisions due to arrogance, unforgiveness. I am just too tired of it. I have leaders who even tweak the sharing to justify their unkindly actions and words and even why they 'need' to have such divisions and seem to be proud of it. Justifying one's actions and words does not mean that those actions and words are justifiable in God's eyes. Sometimes, it irritates me that they fight over petty things like usage of some English words to prove their language flair. I find it silly as life is definitely much larger than such petty way of proving self worth. I find it even more silly to follow leaders blindly like fans going after idols or celebrities. They seem to worship them above God. This is something I loathe since young. To me, celebrities are also human beings. We may admire certain traits in them that we may not have. But, going to the extent of worshiping them is absurd. It is even stupid to please them and support them even if they are wrong. I feel more sick when some leaders listen to their fans and do what they want even if it is wrong just to gain popularity and fame or afraid of losing support. I begin to wonder where God is in such cases and church has become a marketplace. How can I grow in a marketplace then?
I am still learning and improving. I am not sure how long I am staying with my team. When God calls, I will leave. I think I am not leaving in near future as I have a lot more to learn from my team. Sometimes, being too comfortable and staying too long with some people in the same old environment hinders growth and may cause one to be lack of substance and become complacent and even take things for granted. His world can only be so small as he only allows the same group of people in his life. He is too sheltered as people around him may protect him too much or only out to please him. Some people around me told me I meet interesting friends. Some ex-colleagues were amazed at why I know so much things about office politics beyond my age. I would always reply that happens only when I allow myself to be thrown into the deep sea when called forth. Imagine if I were to stay on the shore in my comfort zone with the same people who please me. When am I going to dive into the deep sea taking the risk of being hurt but discovering the wonder of God's creation with interesting unknown marine life? Life is like a deep sea. If I choose to stay onshore with the same old people whom I am comfortable with, I will never meet interesting people and my world is only that small, never learn much. I will never allow myself to be open for God's miracles to work. Want to have substance in you character? Muster the courage and throw yourself into the deep sea with the equipment God has blessed you with like faith, the Word, sacraments, other people, etc. No pain, no gain. Now, I am out of church, into the deep sea. I am happy exploring and I know more miracles to come with my heart and mind open though also with the risk of exposing myself to hurt. I would expect my future spouse to have the confidence and faith to dive into the deep sea exploring with me. In fact, I would expect him to guide me. Men are supposed to lead. No matter how strong or tough I am, I would expect my future spouse to lead by faith.
Enough of my sharing here. Have to go home early as I need to come to the office early for news monitoring. :( Thinking of camping in the office as I stay far away. So, if you are still onshore, dive into the deep sea with courage and equipment that God has blessed you with. If one person is too lonely, get some friends or loved ones to dive with you. You may dive together for company but each of you will have totally different experience in the deep sea for deep sharing with each other. You will enjoy the fun though with occasional hurt and pain along the way. It's a worthy risk. No pain, no gain.
With Love,
Elena
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Tough Love (pun on tough; tough to love and tough love on my loved one)
Have just done my reflection on Fr Rolheiser's blog entry, 'Our Fundamental Option' after a hectic and frustrating day at work (Worse with insomnia last night). I am still in the office writing my reflection and rumination with the peace and quietness in the office. Great time for quiet time with God and get in touch deeply with my spiritual self in silence though with music in the background to keep me focused. Something just prompted me to go to Fr Rolheiser's blog for guidance and reflection. So, I be a good girl and listened to God's call. As usual, Fr Rolheiser has never failed to assure me that I am still on the right track on my spiritual path. I also turn to my colleague (who is six years younger than me) and boss for advice regarding certain issues in my life. I know only humility will open up door for God to work wonder within me. Even when my colleague is much younger than me, I seek his advice as I believe in striking a balance in getting advice between people older and younger than me. It gives me different perspective and widen my horizon. I do not believe that people younger than me are not capable of advising me. So far, they do give me fresh perspective and new ways of looking at things though they may not have suffered much in the world.
Fr Rolheiser's blog entry on 'Our Fundamental Option' reminds me of my last email to my loved one. When I mention loved one, I do not mean lover. He is just one of the people I really care and love. That email might be harsh on him. I guess I have felt too much pain for him on the way he has treated himself. That 'anger' in my email comes from my pain in seeing him leading life in that way and I know he will live in misery in the end as I had seen him leading that kind of life when I journeyed with him years ago. He is repeating that vicious cycle. I am afraid it may be too late for him to do anything if he regrets in the end. All of us have to die one day. There is no way to avoid death. But, I do agree totally with Fr Rolheiser that 'In the face of our earthly diminishment and death will we choose to let go and die with a cold heart or a warm soul?' It determines my state of soul upon death. That in turn determines if we head to heaven or hell, if I see the narrow gate to heaven or miss it even if it is right in front of me. We still have a choice on how we want to live our remaining days. I am not sure how long my loved one is going to live. I know he will be mad at me for that last email and may never want to see me again. What is more important to me is his spiritual state, whether he is living life with soft soul or hardened heart. When you truly love a person, you really want him to live life to the fullest with soft warm soul and ultimately peaceful death.
When my loved one scolded me during my hospital visit, I had a mixture of happiness and sadness. No anger at all. Why happiness? Mad, right? I was happy because I thank God he is still alive and has the energy to scold me. I know that he will live. I am happy to see his presence as a present from God. I am sad because his expression was full of anger and hurt. I felt the anger and hurt deep within him. It hurt me to feel what was within him and no words could express my sadness. That prompted me to write the last email to him after much prayer and at peace on my part. I leave it to God to open him up to interpret and receive God's love through that seemingly harsh email. That email is what I term as A Tough Love Letter. If he thinks that I am all out to hurt and humiliate him, I have got nothing to say. No one with a sound mind will put his loved one down and deliberately hurt him after many years of encouraging and journeying with him. I have been very honest in my email. I wonder if he has ever wondered why I still stay by his side encouraging and caring for him despite his nasty attitude and words. Nobody, including me, enjoys being scolded, humiliated or any nasty attitude, especially from our loved ones. It hurts deep and it cuts deep. It's not that I want to show others I am Christlike. In fact, Christlike can never be used on me. I have a lot of flaws which I am aware of and still in the midst of improving. All of us want to be praised, loved, cared, by our loved ones. Seriously speaking, I gain nothing out of loving him. In fact, all I get is scolding.
The reason is I see beyond his surface. I know he has kind sensitive by nature, capable of love. My last email was to be utterly honest with him and creating awareness of certain issues before it is too late for him. I took a high risk. It's either he hates me forever (it is very miserable to be hated by a loved one) or he wakes up and lives life to the fullest with joy deep within. If you ask me whether I have regretted writing that email, I have never and I will still make the choice of sending it to him. It is my duty as a friend to tell him those matters out of Love. If not, I am very sure I will commit the sin of omission. In fact, it is easier to pretend that nothing happens and moves on. But, I know that I can't. I have given him the choice how he wants to live. I do not intend to impose my will on him. I keep my door open to him if he changes his mind down the road. My point has never been whether he likes me or not, whether he sees me as a lover or not. If those were my points, I could have kept on doing or saying things to please him. He will definitely like me. But, I believe that will only hinder his growth, lower his quality of life and destroy his life in the end. Many people have misunderstood me. So, it does not kill me with him added on to the list (though I do feel hurt). But, this hurt is necessary if he grows and live life to the fullest.
I guess for me, I can tell myself logically that I have done my best for him to the point of hurting myself and have moved on. I have stopped reading his blog after my last email and I have never tried to find out anything about him. My heart still cares. I am still wondering how he is coping now. Is he fine? Is he puking very badly? Can he take it? Is he feeling angry, sad, miserable, depressed? Will he give up? Can he eat at all? Is he feeling cold? Is he feeling lonely? Is anyone there for him? I have many questions in my mind. I am still worried. Whenever the train passes by the station near the hospital he stays daily to and fro between home and workplace, I will think of him. We can lie to our minds and right to our own faces We can never lie to our hearts, especially in absolute silence. God looks into our hearts. I am comforted that God knows my heart despite the nasty treatment and misunderstanding from my loved one. It is definitely a torture when your loved one treated you nastily even if he knew that he had limited number of months or years left. No words could describe such pain.
I think my loved one has forgotten that I am a human with feelings and prone to mistakes and sins. He has forgotten that I am much younger than him (He was already in Secondary School while I was still in my mother's womb) and still in the midst of improving myself. I also need time to change. Instead of scolding me, he could have talked to me and guided me as a senior what I have done wrong so that I could improve and not repeat my mistakes. I also need guidance and reminders. I am willing to change. Over the years, I do listen to him and heed his advice. Maybe, to him, my flaws are always bigger than me as a child of God. Has he ever thought that due to our age gap, it is much more difficult for me to be honest with him and advise and encourage him? I take much higher risk of being misunderstood and scolded by him. I still take the risk out of Love. Love overwrites liking. Of course, I hope he likes me. But, liking is only temporary. I don't want to be so self centered to get him to like me by pleasing him. Love is eternal. And it entails certain level of tough love when called forth to be that 'bad' guy. I have never blamed him or angry with him the way he treats him as it is the choice I have made. am bearing the consequences.
I wonder if miracle will ever happen that he will forgive me and sit down with me over a meal where we talk to each other nicely. I still carry that glimmer of hope with me that that may happen though cruel reality seems to be slapping me right on my face that it will never happen. Well, God is almighty and magnificent. We will never know how the mystery of Love works. And, that, itself, comes little surprises from God which enrich one's life as long as we first open ourselves to be vulnerable with humility. I am still carry that glimmer of hope that my loved one will finally wake up and reunite with me one day. No matter what, God's love never fails.
With Love,
Elena
Fr Rolheiser's blog entry on 'Our Fundamental Option' reminds me of my last email to my loved one. When I mention loved one, I do not mean lover. He is just one of the people I really care and love. That email might be harsh on him. I guess I have felt too much pain for him on the way he has treated himself. That 'anger' in my email comes from my pain in seeing him leading life in that way and I know he will live in misery in the end as I had seen him leading that kind of life when I journeyed with him years ago. He is repeating that vicious cycle. I am afraid it may be too late for him to do anything if he regrets in the end. All of us have to die one day. There is no way to avoid death. But, I do agree totally with Fr Rolheiser that 'In the face of our earthly diminishment and death will we choose to let go and die with a cold heart or a warm soul?' It determines my state of soul upon death. That in turn determines if we head to heaven or hell, if I see the narrow gate to heaven or miss it even if it is right in front of me. We still have a choice on how we want to live our remaining days. I am not sure how long my loved one is going to live. I know he will be mad at me for that last email and may never want to see me again. What is more important to me is his spiritual state, whether he is living life with soft soul or hardened heart. When you truly love a person, you really want him to live life to the fullest with soft warm soul and ultimately peaceful death.
When my loved one scolded me during my hospital visit, I had a mixture of happiness and sadness. No anger at all. Why happiness? Mad, right? I was happy because I thank God he is still alive and has the energy to scold me. I know that he will live. I am happy to see his presence as a present from God. I am sad because his expression was full of anger and hurt. I felt the anger and hurt deep within him. It hurt me to feel what was within him and no words could express my sadness. That prompted me to write the last email to him after much prayer and at peace on my part. I leave it to God to open him up to interpret and receive God's love through that seemingly harsh email. That email is what I term as A Tough Love Letter. If he thinks that I am all out to hurt and humiliate him, I have got nothing to say. No one with a sound mind will put his loved one down and deliberately hurt him after many years of encouraging and journeying with him. I have been very honest in my email. I wonder if he has ever wondered why I still stay by his side encouraging and caring for him despite his nasty attitude and words. Nobody, including me, enjoys being scolded, humiliated or any nasty attitude, especially from our loved ones. It hurts deep and it cuts deep. It's not that I want to show others I am Christlike. In fact, Christlike can never be used on me. I have a lot of flaws which I am aware of and still in the midst of improving. All of us want to be praised, loved, cared, by our loved ones. Seriously speaking, I gain nothing out of loving him. In fact, all I get is scolding.
The reason is I see beyond his surface. I know he has kind sensitive by nature, capable of love. My last email was to be utterly honest with him and creating awareness of certain issues before it is too late for him. I took a high risk. It's either he hates me forever (it is very miserable to be hated by a loved one) or he wakes up and lives life to the fullest with joy deep within. If you ask me whether I have regretted writing that email, I have never and I will still make the choice of sending it to him. It is my duty as a friend to tell him those matters out of Love. If not, I am very sure I will commit the sin of omission. In fact, it is easier to pretend that nothing happens and moves on. But, I know that I can't. I have given him the choice how he wants to live. I do not intend to impose my will on him. I keep my door open to him if he changes his mind down the road. My point has never been whether he likes me or not, whether he sees me as a lover or not. If those were my points, I could have kept on doing or saying things to please him. He will definitely like me. But, I believe that will only hinder his growth, lower his quality of life and destroy his life in the end. Many people have misunderstood me. So, it does not kill me with him added on to the list (though I do feel hurt). But, this hurt is necessary if he grows and live life to the fullest.
I guess for me, I can tell myself logically that I have done my best for him to the point of hurting myself and have moved on. I have stopped reading his blog after my last email and I have never tried to find out anything about him. My heart still cares. I am still wondering how he is coping now. Is he fine? Is he puking very badly? Can he take it? Is he feeling angry, sad, miserable, depressed? Will he give up? Can he eat at all? Is he feeling cold? Is he feeling lonely? Is anyone there for him? I have many questions in my mind. I am still worried. Whenever the train passes by the station near the hospital he stays daily to and fro between home and workplace, I will think of him. We can lie to our minds and right to our own faces We can never lie to our hearts, especially in absolute silence. God looks into our hearts. I am comforted that God knows my heart despite the nasty treatment and misunderstanding from my loved one. It is definitely a torture when your loved one treated you nastily even if he knew that he had limited number of months or years left. No words could describe such pain.
I think my loved one has forgotten that I am a human with feelings and prone to mistakes and sins. He has forgotten that I am much younger than him (He was already in Secondary School while I was still in my mother's womb) and still in the midst of improving myself. I also need time to change. Instead of scolding me, he could have talked to me and guided me as a senior what I have done wrong so that I could improve and not repeat my mistakes. I also need guidance and reminders. I am willing to change. Over the years, I do listen to him and heed his advice. Maybe, to him, my flaws are always bigger than me as a child of God. Has he ever thought that due to our age gap, it is much more difficult for me to be honest with him and advise and encourage him? I take much higher risk of being misunderstood and scolded by him. I still take the risk out of Love. Love overwrites liking. Of course, I hope he likes me. But, liking is only temporary. I don't want to be so self centered to get him to like me by pleasing him. Love is eternal. And it entails certain level of tough love when called forth to be that 'bad' guy. I have never blamed him or angry with him the way he treats him as it is the choice I have made. am bearing the consequences.
I wonder if miracle will ever happen that he will forgive me and sit down with me over a meal where we talk to each other nicely. I still carry that glimmer of hope with me that that may happen though cruel reality seems to be slapping me right on my face that it will never happen. Well, God is almighty and magnificent. We will never know how the mystery of Love works. And, that, itself, comes little surprises from God which enrich one's life as long as we first open ourselves to be vulnerable with humility. I am still carry that glimmer of hope that my loved one will finally wake up and reunite with me one day. No matter what, God's love never fails.
With Love,
Elena
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
How much I am Loved...
Once again, God has reminded me how much I am loved by Him and I should not be abused or taken for granted in any ways. I may love or like a person a lot but it does not mean that he can take me for granted. If I continue to allow that, I am not loving him but spoiling him, allowing him to continue to sin. I guess I have this problem of keeping quiet about things until I blow up one day, giving people the impression that I am very hot tempered. Little do they know that I have been keeping things about them for years in some cases which they are not even aware of.
At my workplace, I have learnt about how much I am loved. I had a very hearty meal with my department celebrating our award for Corporate Social Responsibility on last Thursday. We talked about our personal lives. The main topic was marriage. Then, the attention turned to me as they claimed that I tend to close myself up even before a guy can know me well. They were pretty straightforward about it which I appreciated their honesty. They even told me if needed, if I am clueless about what certain cues from a guy mean, I could always ask them for advice since I am pretty idiotic about social cues.
I enjoy being in my team as they are very honest with me. Certain things said about me may be pretty hard to stomach but I still accept them with gratitude. These honest feedback will help me to improve in the long run and I really appreciate that. I think my boss can't wait to marry me off. I guess my team mean well. They enjoy their intimate relationships with their other halves and they would like to see me enjoying such relationships as well. I feel very loved in my team. My boss behaves like a mum. When I went down to the Bone Marrow Donation Programme centre for SWAB kit test, she took the efforts and time to speak to me before that, warning me that my health is not really that fit. She is concerned about the consequences that I may have to bear if I were to be called for donating my stems cells. I assured her that I have prayed about it and will take care of myself though I would like to save a life when called forth. I really appreciate her going beyond her work and talk to me as an elder.
This period of time has been tough on me. My 'brother' scolded me for visiting my friend in the hospital. Though my friend hurt me alot, I was also moved by this brother who told me off. I shared with him what happened. I was quite touched when he scolded me for being taken for granted. I felt God's love through this brother's scolding. He has been there for me. He even took one hour to listen to me when needed. That wakes me up in a way and I tell myself I should be not be taken for granted even if I love a person a lot. It is time for him to stop taking me for granted and learn to respect others. Being sick does not mean that I can just scold anyone I like. I used to be quite sick in the long term. But, that did not give me the rights to scold other children of God. If I have done it unintentionally, I should apologize. Mummy used to be very sick. Yes, she did scold me due to her illness but she had never taken me for granted. In fact, she protected me for all she could. This brother of mine who is going through RCIA knows how to love. Why is that friend of mine who is a leader does not even know how to have basic respect towards another person?
My other brother at work also taught me what Love is. He is much younger than me. He loves me as his colleague. Sometimes, when I am too sick or overloaded with tasks, without me telling him, he would take over some of my tasks. I never express much outwardly but I am very touched by him. I feel God's love through him as God is asking me not to work too hard. Sometimes, this young chap nags at me like an old man, asking me to go home when I stay back late for work despite my sickness. It is always all these small little gestures which touch me. I do not look for grandeur or pomp for me to be touched. In this face-paced modern society, I am grateful if a person bothers to slow down and try to understand me. Of course, I must learn to listen to constructive feedback. If not, I will never learn to be more complete. Humility is the key to widen horizon and open up one's world to connect with others'. Imagine if I were to be full of pride and always think I am right. Do you think people will even bother to tell me which areas of my life I should improve? They know I will only turn a deaf ear to their words and waste their time.
God may keep knocking at our doors through many people in my life. Sometimes,they may not be the people we like. And yet, if I am open enough without any biases but with humility and openness to God, I may also learn from these very people. When I face these people whom may be deemed as enemies or someone I loathe, they may carry the very traits which I loathe in them may also be part of me which I may subconsciously loathe and refuse to face. By rejecting these people, I may be rejecting some parts of me. Then, how am I going to grow to be more complete in God? Running away is the easiest way out as I do not have to face the pain or discomfort. It also means that I am running away some parts of myself. Instead, with God, I should view such pain or discomfort as stretch of my faith and purification. The process of purification is painful or uncomfortable and yet essential for growth.
All of us enjoy listening to words that are pleasing to our ears. Yes, they may boost our confidence and make us feel good. It is healthy to receive such 'hugs' if they are done appropriately and they are true and sincere. However, if they are done even if I am wrong or out of certain hidden agenda or for the sake of pleasing me, I will never learn the truth about myself. In fact, I may get used to such pleasing words that my pride and ego become inflated and I become full of myself. How is there going to be any room for God to work wonder in me? Yes, all of us want to be liked. But Love also entails tough love when called forth. How many people are willing to play the 'bad' guy to bring to attention to the loved one what needs to be said but may not be pleasing to the ears and yet essential for growth in the long run, especially in this modern world where social media has become the very tool for display of popularity and narcissism? Sometimes, I may not be even aware that I am feeding my ego and pride too much with such narcissism and display of popularity through the social media or blog. One thing I like about Fr Rolheiser's blog is there is no comment from people. Sometimes, comments from people can be veered towards the favour of the writer, especially when he is a priest regardless of whether he is right or wrong. Many Christians I have met worship their leaders instead of God, forgetting that these leaders are only instruments of God. The blog becomes a fans' club corner. Fr Rolheiser's blog without comments is healthy in a sense that the blog is 'clean' without any show of favoritism or biases. In fact, I like his writing style as it gives out this air of sincerity. He does not avoid controversial topics and he can be pretty honest about the areas of improvement of the church. Also, he does not bring too much attention to himself. I have read a few books from him as my spiritual input. In fact, he is my spiritual director virtually where I get direction in life through his weekly blog entry as part of my Sabbath. So far, it has never failed me. He seems to be a leader with healthy ego and self esteem without the need to constantly get approval and attention from others.
If I don't love and accept myself, I realize that honest constructive feedback will be distorted and become destructive words meant to harm or hurt me. Words that are meant for my growth from wise people will be misinterpreted as weapons to attack my pride and ego. Why is that so? That is because my self esteem is low. My self acceptance is not there. I can never see the love out of those words from tough love as I think these people are out to attack me as I, myself, do not even accept my true self or reject part of myself. If not, my ego may be so inflated that I only want to acknowledge the good part of me and refuse to humble myself that I am still a human with flaws and need people to remind me or help me to be aware of these areas of improvement. There is this lopsided view of myself that I am blinded by such inflated ego for me to have the opportunities to grow.
Personally, as I open and humble myself over the years with healthier self esteem and ego, I can see myself clearer and clearer and I am open to constructive feedback from others. Also, while I humble myself, I also do not allow others to abuse me in any ways. Sometimes, when some people are angry with me for keeping silence about certain unhappiness, I am very touched that they tell me off and remind me to speak up. People need people afterall. The fact that all of us come from another people's wombs have shown us that. Our existence also comes from another humans. When we are sick, we need doctors to treat us. Even doctors need other doctors to treat them when they are sick. This tells me nobody is an island. There is nothing to be arrogant about. If I am smart, so many people out there are smarter than me. If I am pretty, so many women out there are prettier than me. The list can go on and on. The competition is never ending. Instead of lamenting over what I do not have, why do I not count my blessings? I may not have what others have. However, what I have, others may not have too. That makes everyone of us unique masterpiece of God. That makes us different parts of the body of Christ coming together to grow to be more complete in God with Jesus as the head.
Humility is that key to the world of possibilities, miracles. Often, people who are arrogant or full of themselves will have difficulties in experiencing miracles with gratitude even if miracles are right in front of them as they are too full of themselves or they think they deserve the privileges. They want to have control over everything and everyone that there is no room for God to work wonders. They can never fathom love at a deep level as they have played God to have control over everything and everyone. Even if they suffer, they may use suffering as tools to bring attention to themselves. I have met such people in my life. It amuses me that suffering can be a tool for self glorification. In fact, it hurt me if a close friend were to do that. It shows that he has been feeling empty inside and has never experienced love at a deep level, seeing suffering as part of his KPI to attain holiness. He has never loved himself as part of God's creation out of Love. If he loves himself, he will not 'seek' or look forward to such suffering, thinking that only through suffering will a person become deep with substance. Suffering is not god that fills us inside. It is God who is Love, with suffering or not.
Why do some sick people fight for life? When they fight for life, it does not mean that they do not accept God's will. It means while accepting God's will, they still do their very best, despite the pain, torture, grief, etc. as part of Human's fallen nature to live life to the fullest even if they do not feel like doing it at times. They fight out of Love. They make full use of the treatment available to keep going so that they may continue to use their talents and presence to share God's love with the others even if they may feel like giving up at times as our flesh is weak and prone to give up easily. It is this fight against giving up when our body is giving way. These people do not control the results. They just give their best to love themselves, others and God with whatever limited energy, capacity, talents left out of their illness. It is not just as simple as to just keep oneself alive. It is this faith out of Love for God, others and self as part of the creation of God that one fights against one's weak flesh which is prone to giving up and self will which may not even be God's will to not to give up on hope but to have this faith to continue to live to love. As long as I am alive, it is God's will for me to continue to live with hope and continue my mission to share God's love with others, giving cheerfully and receiving with gratitude and thanksgiving to the givers and God. When we give thanks to others for the love we receive with gratitude, we are thanking Jesus at the same time as Jesus is in everyone. What we do to our brothers and sisters is what we are doing to Jesus.
Stat loving yourself as you are part of God's creation. If you think you are ugly or stupid or unworthy, you are using those terms on God as you are part of Him. Count your blessings. If rubbish can be recycled, if faeces can be used as organic fertilizers for crops and plants to grow, how about us as children of God? If we think we are junks, then God becomes the biggest junk as we are part of the magnificent Him. It is up to us to open ourselves for God to use us creatively to share His Love with the others. God is Love. As part of this infinite Love, we are all parts of Love. Therefore, our mission in life is called to love, not just others and God, but also ourselves as the very part of the creation of Love within His Divine Plan. As long as you are living, it is never too late to start loving. God loves you and I love you too.
With Love,
Elena
At my workplace, I have learnt about how much I am loved. I had a very hearty meal with my department celebrating our award for Corporate Social Responsibility on last Thursday. We talked about our personal lives. The main topic was marriage. Then, the attention turned to me as they claimed that I tend to close myself up even before a guy can know me well. They were pretty straightforward about it which I appreciated their honesty. They even told me if needed, if I am clueless about what certain cues from a guy mean, I could always ask them for advice since I am pretty idiotic about social cues.
I enjoy being in my team as they are very honest with me. Certain things said about me may be pretty hard to stomach but I still accept them with gratitude. These honest feedback will help me to improve in the long run and I really appreciate that. I think my boss can't wait to marry me off. I guess my team mean well. They enjoy their intimate relationships with their other halves and they would like to see me enjoying such relationships as well. I feel very loved in my team. My boss behaves like a mum. When I went down to the Bone Marrow Donation Programme centre for SWAB kit test, she took the efforts and time to speak to me before that, warning me that my health is not really that fit. She is concerned about the consequences that I may have to bear if I were to be called for donating my stems cells. I assured her that I have prayed about it and will take care of myself though I would like to save a life when called forth. I really appreciate her going beyond her work and talk to me as an elder.
This period of time has been tough on me. My 'brother' scolded me for visiting my friend in the hospital. Though my friend hurt me alot, I was also moved by this brother who told me off. I shared with him what happened. I was quite touched when he scolded me for being taken for granted. I felt God's love through this brother's scolding. He has been there for me. He even took one hour to listen to me when needed. That wakes me up in a way and I tell myself I should be not be taken for granted even if I love a person a lot. It is time for him to stop taking me for granted and learn to respect others. Being sick does not mean that I can just scold anyone I like. I used to be quite sick in the long term. But, that did not give me the rights to scold other children of God. If I have done it unintentionally, I should apologize. Mummy used to be very sick. Yes, she did scold me due to her illness but she had never taken me for granted. In fact, she protected me for all she could. This brother of mine who is going through RCIA knows how to love. Why is that friend of mine who is a leader does not even know how to have basic respect towards another person?
My other brother at work also taught me what Love is. He is much younger than me. He loves me as his colleague. Sometimes, when I am too sick or overloaded with tasks, without me telling him, he would take over some of my tasks. I never express much outwardly but I am very touched by him. I feel God's love through him as God is asking me not to work too hard. Sometimes, this young chap nags at me like an old man, asking me to go home when I stay back late for work despite my sickness. It is always all these small little gestures which touch me. I do not look for grandeur or pomp for me to be touched. In this face-paced modern society, I am grateful if a person bothers to slow down and try to understand me. Of course, I must learn to listen to constructive feedback. If not, I will never learn to be more complete. Humility is the key to widen horizon and open up one's world to connect with others'. Imagine if I were to be full of pride and always think I am right. Do you think people will even bother to tell me which areas of my life I should improve? They know I will only turn a deaf ear to their words and waste their time.
God may keep knocking at our doors through many people in my life. Sometimes,they may not be the people we like. And yet, if I am open enough without any biases but with humility and openness to God, I may also learn from these very people. When I face these people whom may be deemed as enemies or someone I loathe, they may carry the very traits which I loathe in them may also be part of me which I may subconsciously loathe and refuse to face. By rejecting these people, I may be rejecting some parts of me. Then, how am I going to grow to be more complete in God? Running away is the easiest way out as I do not have to face the pain or discomfort. It also means that I am running away some parts of myself. Instead, with God, I should view such pain or discomfort as stretch of my faith and purification. The process of purification is painful or uncomfortable and yet essential for growth.
All of us enjoy listening to words that are pleasing to our ears. Yes, they may boost our confidence and make us feel good. It is healthy to receive such 'hugs' if they are done appropriately and they are true and sincere. However, if they are done even if I am wrong or out of certain hidden agenda or for the sake of pleasing me, I will never learn the truth about myself. In fact, I may get used to such pleasing words that my pride and ego become inflated and I become full of myself. How is there going to be any room for God to work wonder in me? Yes, all of us want to be liked. But Love also entails tough love when called forth. How many people are willing to play the 'bad' guy to bring to attention to the loved one what needs to be said but may not be pleasing to the ears and yet essential for growth in the long run, especially in this modern world where social media has become the very tool for display of popularity and narcissism? Sometimes, I may not be even aware that I am feeding my ego and pride too much with such narcissism and display of popularity through the social media or blog. One thing I like about Fr Rolheiser's blog is there is no comment from people. Sometimes, comments from people can be veered towards the favour of the writer, especially when he is a priest regardless of whether he is right or wrong. Many Christians I have met worship their leaders instead of God, forgetting that these leaders are only instruments of God. The blog becomes a fans' club corner. Fr Rolheiser's blog without comments is healthy in a sense that the blog is 'clean' without any show of favoritism or biases. In fact, I like his writing style as it gives out this air of sincerity. He does not avoid controversial topics and he can be pretty honest about the areas of improvement of the church. Also, he does not bring too much attention to himself. I have read a few books from him as my spiritual input. In fact, he is my spiritual director virtually where I get direction in life through his weekly blog entry as part of my Sabbath. So far, it has never failed me. He seems to be a leader with healthy ego and self esteem without the need to constantly get approval and attention from others.
If I don't love and accept myself, I realize that honest constructive feedback will be distorted and become destructive words meant to harm or hurt me. Words that are meant for my growth from wise people will be misinterpreted as weapons to attack my pride and ego. Why is that so? That is because my self esteem is low. My self acceptance is not there. I can never see the love out of those words from tough love as I think these people are out to attack me as I, myself, do not even accept my true self or reject part of myself. If not, my ego may be so inflated that I only want to acknowledge the good part of me and refuse to humble myself that I am still a human with flaws and need people to remind me or help me to be aware of these areas of improvement. There is this lopsided view of myself that I am blinded by such inflated ego for me to have the opportunities to grow.
Personally, as I open and humble myself over the years with healthier self esteem and ego, I can see myself clearer and clearer and I am open to constructive feedback from others. Also, while I humble myself, I also do not allow others to abuse me in any ways. Sometimes, when some people are angry with me for keeping silence about certain unhappiness, I am very touched that they tell me off and remind me to speak up. People need people afterall. The fact that all of us come from another people's wombs have shown us that. Our existence also comes from another humans. When we are sick, we need doctors to treat us. Even doctors need other doctors to treat them when they are sick. This tells me nobody is an island. There is nothing to be arrogant about. If I am smart, so many people out there are smarter than me. If I am pretty, so many women out there are prettier than me. The list can go on and on. The competition is never ending. Instead of lamenting over what I do not have, why do I not count my blessings? I may not have what others have. However, what I have, others may not have too. That makes everyone of us unique masterpiece of God. That makes us different parts of the body of Christ coming together to grow to be more complete in God with Jesus as the head.
Humility is that key to the world of possibilities, miracles. Often, people who are arrogant or full of themselves will have difficulties in experiencing miracles with gratitude even if miracles are right in front of them as they are too full of themselves or they think they deserve the privileges. They want to have control over everything and everyone that there is no room for God to work wonders. They can never fathom love at a deep level as they have played God to have control over everything and everyone. Even if they suffer, they may use suffering as tools to bring attention to themselves. I have met such people in my life. It amuses me that suffering can be a tool for self glorification. In fact, it hurt me if a close friend were to do that. It shows that he has been feeling empty inside and has never experienced love at a deep level, seeing suffering as part of his KPI to attain holiness. He has never loved himself as part of God's creation out of Love. If he loves himself, he will not 'seek' or look forward to such suffering, thinking that only through suffering will a person become deep with substance. Suffering is not god that fills us inside. It is God who is Love, with suffering or not.
Why do some sick people fight for life? When they fight for life, it does not mean that they do not accept God's will. It means while accepting God's will, they still do their very best, despite the pain, torture, grief, etc. as part of Human's fallen nature to live life to the fullest even if they do not feel like doing it at times. They fight out of Love. They make full use of the treatment available to keep going so that they may continue to use their talents and presence to share God's love with the others even if they may feel like giving up at times as our flesh is weak and prone to give up easily. It is this fight against giving up when our body is giving way. These people do not control the results. They just give their best to love themselves, others and God with whatever limited energy, capacity, talents left out of their illness. It is not just as simple as to just keep oneself alive. It is this faith out of Love for God, others and self as part of the creation of God that one fights against one's weak flesh which is prone to giving up and self will which may not even be God's will to not to give up on hope but to have this faith to continue to live to love. As long as I am alive, it is God's will for me to continue to live with hope and continue my mission to share God's love with others, giving cheerfully and receiving with gratitude and thanksgiving to the givers and God. When we give thanks to others for the love we receive with gratitude, we are thanking Jesus at the same time as Jesus is in everyone. What we do to our brothers and sisters is what we are doing to Jesus.
Stat loving yourself as you are part of God's creation. If you think you are ugly or stupid or unworthy, you are using those terms on God as you are part of Him. Count your blessings. If rubbish can be recycled, if faeces can be used as organic fertilizers for crops and plants to grow, how about us as children of God? If we think we are junks, then God becomes the biggest junk as we are part of the magnificent Him. It is up to us to open ourselves for God to use us creatively to share His Love with the others. God is Love. As part of this infinite Love, we are all parts of Love. Therefore, our mission in life is called to love, not just others and God, but also ourselves as the very part of the creation of Love within His Divine Plan. As long as you are living, it is never too late to start loving. God loves you and I love you too.
With Love,
Elena
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Sincere Love (though Tough when required and it's also tough on me) to my Dear Friend
It is rather interesting that after shooting my loved one with a harsh email to wake him up on Sunday, Fr Rolheiser's blog post is about what I have written to him. I thank God for telling me that I have done the right thing by visiting him and slapping him with an email known as a tough love email. My intention is never to put him down. It's just that it pains me to see him cooping himself in that small world with such strong protection. How can a person grow and realize his potential in that way? I really do not want him to realize certain things and regret when it is too late for him to do anything. Yes, my behaviour seems audacious. For me, it requires me a lot of faith and courage to even see him. It takes a lot of prayers and faith to even dare to write that last email to slap him hard. Why do I want to make my life so difficult when I could have just ignored him and moved on? I believe God still informs me of his illness for certain purposes which I do not know what. As and when God prompts me to do certain things, I will follow even if it means I may get into trouble as I know obeying God out of love will produce good fruits which may not be immediate. I am very thankful that Fr Rolheiser has been my virtual spiritual director as I have been visiting his blog weekly for guidance and spiritual input.
Now, all I pray is that he will wake up. I hope he knows that I was doing it out of love with God's guidance. I am not there to put him down. Most people have been telling him what he wants to hear. That is good to keep him moving. But, I think he also needs to listen to what he needs for him to grow. Nobody wants to be this bad guy. So, I will be the one. Everyone wants to be in his good shoes. I also want but I am called to play the 'bad' guy in his life. He has been taking me for granted until I decided to scold him in my last email for doing so. I am God's child. I can't see why I may allow him to abuse me in any ways. He also has to learn to respect people. He keeps thinking that people are there to harm or hurt him in any ways. With such strong protection, how can he ever experience Love at a deeper level? Not to even mention at a deeper level, he controls so much that love cannot even enter his heart. One does not need to have suffering and illness to experience God's love at a deeper level and reach out to others. Some Christians have this warped perception that they must have suffering or even find suffering in order to be as holy as Jesus and become worthy. They have missed the whole point altogether. I have half of the people in my life with suffering and yet never learn their lessons. In fact, they use their suffering for self glorification and pity and even attack us. I also have half of the people who have smooth sailing healthy life and yet they are able to love others with what they have in Christ way. Look at my boss. She has been leading smooth sailing and rich life. She has been healthy. And yet, I am very amazed at how she readily forgives, never put herself high up there. In fact, I feel happy working with her and never for once, feel like I am working under her. She would drive us around for good food. She also would remind us of certain things in our personal lives. She would remember everyone's birthday in the team and forks out her own hard earned money to celebrate everyone's birthday. At workplace, I feel like she is a mother, a serving leader. Under her leadership with my colleagues, I have grown to be healthier. I have learnt to love myself even more. They encourage me to be myself. If I have done anything wrong they would point out nicely. My faith is more mature and growing with them than in the church. My colleagues' ranks are all higher than mine. But, they will take over some of my tasks when they see that I need help without me asking most of the time. So, I grow much more mature in faith with them and with such love with gratitude, I reach out to others to share God's love with them.
Who we grow with on a daily basis is important. It forms most part of us. Yes, it is very easy to say what our loved ones want to hear which is pleasing to their ears. It is good to pamper them when needed. But, if we keep doing it even if they are wrong, we are leading them to have distorted perception of self and thus, living in the world of lies. Their pride and ego will inflate so much that there is no room for love and for them to receive any constructive feedback which helps them to grow with others to be more complete in Love. How can a person live in truth in that way with such distorted self perception? Nobody wants to be a bad guy to say what is needed to be said for our loved ones to have this self awareness as they may not be pleasing to their ears and affecting our relationships with them. If relationships are really so readily broken by these words out of necessary tough love, I should say I may readily forgo such relationships as these relationships are not mature and that the recipients have placed their pride higher than love.
I don't think I will ever see him again based on his reaction during my first and last hospital visit to him. It is very unreasonable when he does not bother to communicate with me and yet he wants to be angry with me for what I have written or said. I am not God and I will never know what he thinks without any communication with me. Then, isn't he contributing to the misunderstanding? How can he be angry with me then? How would I know what I have said or done to make him angry? All I pray for him is he will interpret my email (which I prayed before penning it down) properly according to the fruits that God wants him to get out of it and start living life to the fullest with truth and self love in Christ way so that his love towards others will be sincere and true and his writing will be filled with grace and depth out of the deep love from within. I have seen him doing that many years ago and I know he can make it again even without having any suffering or illness. He is worthy of love and capable of love as long as his very strong self protection is melted by God's love and he opens himself in receiving love in surprising and fun way without undue fear. Whether we reconcile or not, it is no longer up to me as I have done my best. It is up to him now depending on his faith....
With Sincere Love to my Dear Friend,
Elena
Now, all I pray is that he will wake up. I hope he knows that I was doing it out of love with God's guidance. I am not there to put him down. Most people have been telling him what he wants to hear. That is good to keep him moving. But, I think he also needs to listen to what he needs for him to grow. Nobody wants to be this bad guy. So, I will be the one. Everyone wants to be in his good shoes. I also want but I am called to play the 'bad' guy in his life. He has been taking me for granted until I decided to scold him in my last email for doing so. I am God's child. I can't see why I may allow him to abuse me in any ways. He also has to learn to respect people. He keeps thinking that people are there to harm or hurt him in any ways. With such strong protection, how can he ever experience Love at a deeper level? Not to even mention at a deeper level, he controls so much that love cannot even enter his heart. One does not need to have suffering and illness to experience God's love at a deeper level and reach out to others. Some Christians have this warped perception that they must have suffering or even find suffering in order to be as holy as Jesus and become worthy. They have missed the whole point altogether. I have half of the people in my life with suffering and yet never learn their lessons. In fact, they use their suffering for self glorification and pity and even attack us. I also have half of the people who have smooth sailing healthy life and yet they are able to love others with what they have in Christ way. Look at my boss. She has been leading smooth sailing and rich life. She has been healthy. And yet, I am very amazed at how she readily forgives, never put herself high up there. In fact, I feel happy working with her and never for once, feel like I am working under her. She would drive us around for good food. She also would remind us of certain things in our personal lives. She would remember everyone's birthday in the team and forks out her own hard earned money to celebrate everyone's birthday. At workplace, I feel like she is a mother, a serving leader. Under her leadership with my colleagues, I have grown to be healthier. I have learnt to love myself even more. They encourage me to be myself. If I have done anything wrong they would point out nicely. My faith is more mature and growing with them than in the church. My colleagues' ranks are all higher than mine. But, they will take over some of my tasks when they see that I need help without me asking most of the time. So, I grow much more mature in faith with them and with such love with gratitude, I reach out to others to share God's love with them.
Who we grow with on a daily basis is important. It forms most part of us. Yes, it is very easy to say what our loved ones want to hear which is pleasing to their ears. It is good to pamper them when needed. But, if we keep doing it even if they are wrong, we are leading them to have distorted perception of self and thus, living in the world of lies. Their pride and ego will inflate so much that there is no room for love and for them to receive any constructive feedback which helps them to grow with others to be more complete in Love. How can a person live in truth in that way with such distorted self perception? Nobody wants to be a bad guy to say what is needed to be said for our loved ones to have this self awareness as they may not be pleasing to their ears and affecting our relationships with them. If relationships are really so readily broken by these words out of necessary tough love, I should say I may readily forgo such relationships as these relationships are not mature and that the recipients have placed their pride higher than love.
I don't think I will ever see him again based on his reaction during my first and last hospital visit to him. It is very unreasonable when he does not bother to communicate with me and yet he wants to be angry with me for what I have written or said. I am not God and I will never know what he thinks without any communication with me. Then, isn't he contributing to the misunderstanding? How can he be angry with me then? How would I know what I have said or done to make him angry? All I pray for him is he will interpret my email (which I prayed before penning it down) properly according to the fruits that God wants him to get out of it and start living life to the fullest with truth and self love in Christ way so that his love towards others will be sincere and true and his writing will be filled with grace and depth out of the deep love from within. I have seen him doing that many years ago and I know he can make it again even without having any suffering or illness. He is worthy of love and capable of love as long as his very strong self protection is melted by God's love and he opens himself in receiving love in surprising and fun way without undue fear. Whether we reconcile or not, it is no longer up to me as I have done my best. It is up to him now depending on his faith....
With Sincere Love to my Dear Friend,
Elena
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Finally, at peace
I have finally seen him. He drove me out. The strange thing is I was feeling peace. I guess it no longer matters if he wants to reconcile or not. If that is what he wants, I will leave it as that. I think I have completed what God has asked me to. That is to love him as my friend. Now, it is up to him to face God. At least, I have made the move to reconcile. I guess he should be clearer than me that before we lift our offering to God, we reconcile with our brothers and sisters. I have done my part and can move on with peace. If what he has done gives him peace, so be it.
Somehow, seeing him lying on bed and his physical appearance changed does not affect me much. To me, at least he is living. He ca be mean to me. I still care as a friend. I will continue to pray for him. Jia you, my friend!
Somehow, seeing him lying on bed and his physical appearance changed does not affect me much. To me, at least he is living. He ca be mean to me. I still care as a friend. I will continue to pray for him. Jia you, my friend!
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