Just came back from a wedding dinner. The strange thing is whenever I am unemployed, I would always be invited to weddings. This often causes more strain to my pocket. Nevertheless, I am honoured to be part of the celebration. I am happy that my friends remember me and ask me to be part of the joyous occasions. I did enjoy the dinner just now. As usual, my table was quite noisy as we were cracking jokes even with strangers among us. As usual, I was the main clown. I just wanted to add more spice to the otherwise silent table. Might as well be the clown and bring some laughter to the table. My friend and sister also joined in the fun.
In the last afternoon, I was watching a Hong Kong movie titled Happy Go Lucky. The story was about the friendship among a spastic, blind and an intellectually disabled. They did not give up on themselves. Instead, they tried to save up more money through opening a food stall where the intellectually disabled cooked and the spastic served the customers so that the intellectually disabled could open a restaurant and the spastic could open a bookstore since he did not have the chance to get into a university. As for the blind, she managed to get new corneas and fulfilled her dream of seeing again. At the end of the show, the quote strikes me, ‘Everyone has a wish and every wish should be created by our hands.’
I have seen many normal people choose to stay at home and depend on their family members to feed them even if they are already in their 30s. Some choose to live off the influential and rich people in the name of some projects or kind deeds. Some of the friends choose to spend most of their time looking for boyfriends. If their boyfriends fail them in any ways, they choose to kill themselves or drown themselves with alcohol or cigarettes. Some simply waste their lives away. And, I also have a handful of people who are handicapped or sick in some ways and yet they struggle hard to improve on their lives.
When I was in Secondary school, with the encouragement of my mummy, I went out of my way to help others instead of wallowing into self pity. I stayed in the visually handicapped room most of the time after school as I did not want to go home. I had the opportunities to mingle with the visually handicapped. Mummy got quite scared when she peeped into the room and saw how I closed my eyes to feel the Braille like the visually handicapped. My parents even discouraged me from helping these people, despising them in some ways. Some visually handicapped friends claimed that I did not understand them. So, I tried to close my eyes to feel the Braille, how it was like to live in the world of darkness so that I would be in a better position to help them. The other reason for staying in school was because of mummy as I saw with my own eyes how other students just passed by her without offering to help her when she needed help. I wanted to be there for her so that I could help her especially if she fainted, and yet never disturbed her teaching or her rest in the staffroom. As I could not express myself well, it created a lot of misunderstanding and rumours which cut my dignity and pride. I did not back off as I knew what I was doing. It was a lonely path with a lot of accusations and it took a lot of pain and time before mummy finally understood what I was doing and why.
These people who were less fortunate than me served as reminders to me that I was more fortunate than them despite my poor health. At least, I could see, hear, speak and run around. I was very active in school. I had also come across a primary one girl who would pass by the visually handicapped room with her clutches daily since both of her legs could not function. I also got to chat with her mother and even went to her house as we were all friends. Like what the movie has shown, all them have their own skills and use in the society as long as they do not give up on themselves. They serve as reminders to us who are well developed that there is no reason to give up on ourselves if they, with their own limitations or deformity, can make themselves useful in the society.
We have the tendency to complain, lament and blame. Why do we keep on focusing on what we do not have but not working on what we have and count our blessings? Some people just dream but never put their dreams into reality with courage and efforts to work towards them. Wish is still a desire and abstract as long as we do not create them with our hands; that is with our hard work and time. Whenever I advise people who come to me for advice, I get very frustrated with some of them who keep on complaining, lamenting and blaming everything and everyone but themselves without trying to improve on themselves or the situations. How can a person grow if he merely complains, laments or blames everyone or everything? How can he ever be mature? I always see such person without any guts. Personally, if he were a man whom I love, I will never marry him as I would be nursing a baby who is not capable of leading me in faith and the family. He will never be a wise man. Most probably, you will still see him stomping his feet, slamming the door, shouting at people, blaming people, following selected influential or wealthy ones for his living or fame, wanting his way or no way, etc. even if he is in his fifties. He may be fifty years old biologically but may be only fiftenn years old spiritually, emotionally and mentally. How can I ever have a bright future walking towards holiness with such a person? I am not trying to put anyone down. This is a fact if one looks at it objectively unless he is willing to wake up and own his words and actions, be a man with courage to face himself and walk the path meant for him according to God’s will, loving and accepting himself with all his flaws and limitations.
I am proud of some of the people I have helped; I heard one visually handicapped friend had completed her doctorate and working with MOE on coming up with Mathematics syllabus, one of my friends who used to have problems walking for many years due to her spine problems is a nurse now serving patients with her determined passion, one visually handicapped friend of mine got married in KL and is able to cook for her whole family from a girl who did not even do a single chore before she was married, and she evangelized with her spouse in different states of Malaysia and even Thailand. During my employment with certain organizations, I had the opportunities to help out in the children’s home, Spastic Association, Old Folks’ home. One vivid incident of volunteering was in Spastic Association. I was in a lift with a few colleagues and a staff there. There was a girl who was suffering from the condition in the same lift too. She was only 9 years old. She was very pretty and fair and could articulate very well. When we asked her for her name, to my surprise, she had the same name as me, Elena. I am also Elena. But our predicaments are very different. I am healthy volunteering while she was suffering from the condition. Both of us are Elena and yet I am more fortunate than her as I am healthy enough to run around while she needed help to move around in wheelchair. If I complain, lament and blame everyone and everything else, she has more rights to do so.
During these forty days of desert (Lent period), we may find certain times tough and we question why certain tragedies or issues happen in our lives. We may complain, lament and blame everyone or everything else or even God. Let us open our eyes big to see the less fortunate ones around us. If we feel that we are pitiful, they are many more people much worse than us. If they never give up on themselves, how about us who are well developed and healthy? We may not be perfect or may feel defective in some ways but we can never deny that all of us are blessed with different gifts and abilities no matter how insignificant we may think they are. It is not about doing things big to bring attention to ourselves for our self inflated egos or pride. It is about doing our small parts in the world to share God’s Love through putting our gifts and abilities to good use for the good of others. Personally, I have never idolized people who are good looking, performing on stage well, speaking eloquently, etc. throughout my life so far. I often overlook such qualities as my focus tends to be what is inside. If I can help, I will help them to realize that potential within and help them to shine in their own lives. Only when people start telling me the good superficial qualities like appearance, eloquence, wealth, etc. about the people, then I will notice. If not, I am simply blind to those superficial qualities as I am busy with what is inside.
I remember my close guy friend used to get upset over me seeing him shouting, showing his ugly side. What did it matter? That silly guy thought that I would despise him in some ways. Anyway, I knew him since secondary three. We were fighting for years as he was a good boy from the Express Stream while I was a rude and rebellious girl from Normal Stream. We never met eye to eye. During that period of fight, I had seen his ugly side enough. But, who is perfect in the world? The fact that I still went out with him despite his ugliness showed that I accepted him as who he was. There was nothing to be inferior about.
Sometimes, it is good to volunteer to help the less fortunate ones. If God were to be unfair to us, should I say that God would be even more unfair to them? We know it is not true from the fact that they are many handicapped or sickly people who do much better in life than normal people like us. Go and see how they make themselves useful. They really create wish with their own hands. They never give up. How about us? Do we have to live in deception or dreams forever? Why not put the dreams into reality and deception into truth? It is suffocating to wear layers and layers of masks to suffocate ourselves especially spiritually. Isn’t it lighter and fresher to be yourself without any masks? Is being in the limelight so important that it overrides truth and even self who is created by God out of Love?
It is never too late to repent. The fact that we still live each day means that each day is new hope to fix the broken relationships with others and improve on dark areas of our lives. It is never too late to peel layers and layers of masks to go nearer and nearer the truth. These 40 days of Lent is time for intense reflection and see which areas of our lives need light to shine on and repent, and which relationships need to be reconciled. Most of us find it hard to say sorry. Have you hurt anyone and yet never say sorry? Do you have to wait till the person concerned is dead or you are dead and you regret for not saying it? I have met many friends who told me they never got to say sorry or thank you and the people concerned were gone suddenly. I also paid a high price for living with such regrets for the rest of my life though I know the person concerned and God had forgiven me. It is still regret nevertheless.
If trash can be recycled, what more people who have gifts and abilities created by God? Even if you think you are worse than trash, do you think God is ‘stupid’ to create trash? It is the mentality you have to change about yourself. The fact is God never creates trash. We make ourselves as trash if we think that we are trash. If our perception is set right with the claim of a beloved child of God, we will love ourselves in Christ way, and thus love others in Christ way and put our gifts and abilities to good use for the good of others out of Love overflowing from our hearts as guided by the Holy Spirit.
Here, I end with everyone has wish and every wish should be created by our hands. Don’t lead your life in deception. Don’t let others lead your life. Be brave. It just takes faith to get out of your comfort zone and listen to that inner voice deep within and walk your path in glory towards holiness. If you are right with God, God will bless you for all your needs, sometimes, even your wants.
Ok, have to go to sleep liao. My friend has just chio (invited) me to join her in the U run around Marina Bay Sand early in the morning. Wonder if I can make it there by 8am. That is damn early lo. It is a 5km run. I wonder if I can survive this run since I never jog after my last 6km fun run. Then, I have to keep looking for a job. I got told off by HR personnel for my change of jobs in my employment history last week. For every job that I do, I work very hard, sometimes, at the expense of my health. If not, I do extra tasks to improve on the existing system or ways of doing things. She has misunderstood me which I did not have the strength to explain anymore. I just hope that she will secure the first interview for me with the hiring managers. I just want a new start even if this means some scolding or accusation from her. I will see what I can do. I am already feeling so down and demoralized and I still got scolded by the HR personnel which dragged me even lower down the spiral. I will see what I can do. I am feeling very hopeless in my career. It seems that I am doomed. I will see how I can find a door out. Meanwhile, all I can do is to hang on tightly to God before I have some destructive thoughts again. I know I can make it if I have faith of a mustard seed. So, you too, never lose hope if the less fortunate ones who are much worse off than us never give up on themselves. Let’s work hard together toward holiness with the faith of a mustard seed through these forty days of desert.
With Love,
Elena
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Humility as the Approach Towards Lent Period
Ash Wednesday starts today marking the commencement of the Lent period for 40 days. This solemn period helps us to refocus our lives on God and purify our souls through prayers, abstinence, fasting and almsgiving. I think that such solemn period is essential for our spiritual lives in our modern world where we are torn by different noises and distraction in the world. Lent period for me is difficult with my basic needs not really met with my unemployment and my absence from the church. I really do not know how to get through these forty days of desert. But, I know with God, all things are possible. Regular prayers is a must for any words or deeds or acts carried out for without prayers, one can easily be led astray without the Holy Spirit’s guidance. Worse still, even if one is straying away with seemingly good deeds carried out, he will soon lose sight of God and going towards spiritual doom without even any self awareness.
The approach towards Lent is very important. It determines if you will truly go through transformation right within the core of your being. What do I mean by that? Some people show their expression of suffering to the others that they are fasting, some deliberately say lengthy prayers in front of everyone to show that they are holy, some practise almsgiving using the less fortunate ones as their tools to show that they are kind and caring for the others, etc. If you notice, the attention is all drawn to self. It defeats the purpose of transformation and purification of the souls since the acts are carried out out of self centeredness but not devotion. Meditate on Matthew 6:16-21. It spells out the essence of such acts done during the Lent period and also in our ordinary daily lives. It is not for show. In my personal life, I have seen many such people. I often watch with amusement. I do also sympathise with them at the same time as it denotes insecurity and emptiness deep within, yearning for attention from the others to self so that they will feel loved from such attention with delusion. However, there is not much transformation happening within as there is no room for improvement as these people are already too full of themselves. Sad to say, this also does happen to seemingly holy people whom I have come across in my life.
Ash Wednesday sets the approach towards the Lent period right right at the beginning of the Lent period. Every Catholic would be marked by a cross on his forehead with the ashes by the priest if we go for the mass on the Ash Wednesday. It reminds us that we are merely dust without the breath of Love from God. It sets us in humility as nothing but dust without God. Such mode helps us to start our Lent period by putting aside our self importance or excess ego or pride, allowing us to enter into the Lent period seeing ourselves as dust and appreciate God’s gift of life for everyone of us. Lent period is for repentance and transformation within. By starting with humility and thanksgiving for such breath of life to us who are otherwise merely dust, we come before God and open ourselves for such redemptive transformation through prayers, abstinence, fasting and almsgiving out of our love to God. Such acts must be done with the Spirit of Love. The transformation happens when we take the pain to look within ourselves and allow God’s light to penetrate through our layers and layers of masks into the dark areas of our lives. We may feel discomfort and even pain when such dark areas are exposed and yet they are essential to be brought to God so that we become more and more like the image of God and walk closer and closer towards holiness. How can transformation take place when we never face ourselves with the brutal sincere honesty?
Recently, I have watched a Japanese movie for the second time titled Handsome Suit. This fat ugly male leading character was despised and accused by many people just because of his appearance. He was given a chance to wear the handsome suit so that he will appear handsome to the others. Once the suit came into contact with water, he would turn back into his own appearance. Yes, he did gain popularity and many beautiful women flocked to him. He turned into a well sought after model and was even invited to be the centre of attention on an international runway. He knew this beautiful woman whom he liked. He did not approach her as his true self. When he was in his handsome suit, he began his pursuit after the woman. The woman rejected him. This woman wore this take off suit which made her ugly and fat as she wanted to find a man who loved her as who she was and not how she looked. At the end of the show, the woman revealed to this man that the fat and ugly woman whom he had known was her, and she loved the fat and ugly him without the handsome suit. Before this was revealed to the man, the man woke up from his superficiality while walking on the runway. He realized that though he was the limelight on stage with so much fame and popularity, he was not joyful inside by deceiving others and even himself. In his heart, he might desire and enjoy such fame and popularity during those moments but they did not fill him with joy and fulfilment deep within for long. Halfway through the international show, he went to look for the woman he loved and his few dear friends. Though he might go back to his ugly and fat appearance, he knew he would be truly happy with meaning in life by appreciating who he was and the little things and people in his life.
I have come across many people who choose fame, popularity or other material wants over accepting and loving themselves as who they are and seeking rewards from God. I have even bumped into people who keep on going for plastic surgeries so much that they become disfigured. I feel sad for them especially some of them who are dear to me. Whatever advice I have given, whatever help I have offered when they approach me, it is still up to them to do what is deemed the best in their lives. If God gives me free will, who am I to force others to do what I think is right? Personally, I have been to stages for various reasons, be it for performance or receiving prizes. Yes, I do get temporary happiness. But they do not fill me deep with joy for long. I also feel nice when people praise me. But does such flattery really enrich my soul within for long? If I depend on such fame, popularity, limelight, flattery, for my well being and happiness in life, I will only be devastated and even suicidal if I no longer get them since they are my ‘drugs’ that I have been hooked on as my addiction. This is depicted in Matthew 6:16-21.
One must start the Lent period with the right approach and attitude. That is humility that we are merely dust without the breath of God out of Love for us. Only then, our acts of prayers, abstinence, fasting and almsgiving will be done with the Spirit of Love placing God before us. The focus is no longer on self but God. When we have such humility, we leave some room for improvement in our lives for God to help us in our transformation on our spiritual path. At the end of it, we will feel our thirst quenched as we allow the living water to flow into the dry areas of our lives. Then, we are able to blow the trumpets, rejoicing and celebrating the resurrection of Jesus with others communally through dying to ourselves with Jesus first instead of blowing our own trumpets through drawing attention to ourselves to feed our self inflated egos by using the prayers, abstinence, fasting and almsgiving as tools which ultimately leaving ourselves stuck in the desert with the delusion that we are happy , leading unfulfilled lives with unspoken words, unexpressed feelings, unheld hands and unfinished business with the others.
This is also a period not just for personal reflection and repentance but also coming together to journey with fellow brothers and sisters on our ways of transformation towards God. Christianity is never an individual affair. Reflect and look deep into the 14 Stations of the Cross and you will see how Jesus always had people journeying with him and even die with him other than quiet time with God alone from time to time. All brothers and sisters are loved by God. No discrimination should be exercised against anyone. If not, it defeats the purpose of Lent period for transformation and repentance to be started with humility from being dust ourselves without the breath of Life out of Love. These 40 days of desert may be lonely and tough. But with God and prayers with the others, you know that you will never be alone. Let us journey through our 40 days of desert together through prayers. God bless.
With Love,
Elena
The approach towards Lent is very important. It determines if you will truly go through transformation right within the core of your being. What do I mean by that? Some people show their expression of suffering to the others that they are fasting, some deliberately say lengthy prayers in front of everyone to show that they are holy, some practise almsgiving using the less fortunate ones as their tools to show that they are kind and caring for the others, etc. If you notice, the attention is all drawn to self. It defeats the purpose of transformation and purification of the souls since the acts are carried out out of self centeredness but not devotion. Meditate on Matthew 6:16-21. It spells out the essence of such acts done during the Lent period and also in our ordinary daily lives. It is not for show. In my personal life, I have seen many such people. I often watch with amusement. I do also sympathise with them at the same time as it denotes insecurity and emptiness deep within, yearning for attention from the others to self so that they will feel loved from such attention with delusion. However, there is not much transformation happening within as there is no room for improvement as these people are already too full of themselves. Sad to say, this also does happen to seemingly holy people whom I have come across in my life.
Ash Wednesday sets the approach towards the Lent period right right at the beginning of the Lent period. Every Catholic would be marked by a cross on his forehead with the ashes by the priest if we go for the mass on the Ash Wednesday. It reminds us that we are merely dust without the breath of Love from God. It sets us in humility as nothing but dust without God. Such mode helps us to start our Lent period by putting aside our self importance or excess ego or pride, allowing us to enter into the Lent period seeing ourselves as dust and appreciate God’s gift of life for everyone of us. Lent period is for repentance and transformation within. By starting with humility and thanksgiving for such breath of life to us who are otherwise merely dust, we come before God and open ourselves for such redemptive transformation through prayers, abstinence, fasting and almsgiving out of our love to God. Such acts must be done with the Spirit of Love. The transformation happens when we take the pain to look within ourselves and allow God’s light to penetrate through our layers and layers of masks into the dark areas of our lives. We may feel discomfort and even pain when such dark areas are exposed and yet they are essential to be brought to God so that we become more and more like the image of God and walk closer and closer towards holiness. How can transformation take place when we never face ourselves with the brutal sincere honesty?
Recently, I have watched a Japanese movie for the second time titled Handsome Suit. This fat ugly male leading character was despised and accused by many people just because of his appearance. He was given a chance to wear the handsome suit so that he will appear handsome to the others. Once the suit came into contact with water, he would turn back into his own appearance. Yes, he did gain popularity and many beautiful women flocked to him. He turned into a well sought after model and was even invited to be the centre of attention on an international runway. He knew this beautiful woman whom he liked. He did not approach her as his true self. When he was in his handsome suit, he began his pursuit after the woman. The woman rejected him. This woman wore this take off suit which made her ugly and fat as she wanted to find a man who loved her as who she was and not how she looked. At the end of the show, the woman revealed to this man that the fat and ugly woman whom he had known was her, and she loved the fat and ugly him without the handsome suit. Before this was revealed to the man, the man woke up from his superficiality while walking on the runway. He realized that though he was the limelight on stage with so much fame and popularity, he was not joyful inside by deceiving others and even himself. In his heart, he might desire and enjoy such fame and popularity during those moments but they did not fill him with joy and fulfilment deep within for long. Halfway through the international show, he went to look for the woman he loved and his few dear friends. Though he might go back to his ugly and fat appearance, he knew he would be truly happy with meaning in life by appreciating who he was and the little things and people in his life.
I have come across many people who choose fame, popularity or other material wants over accepting and loving themselves as who they are and seeking rewards from God. I have even bumped into people who keep on going for plastic surgeries so much that they become disfigured. I feel sad for them especially some of them who are dear to me. Whatever advice I have given, whatever help I have offered when they approach me, it is still up to them to do what is deemed the best in their lives. If God gives me free will, who am I to force others to do what I think is right? Personally, I have been to stages for various reasons, be it for performance or receiving prizes. Yes, I do get temporary happiness. But they do not fill me deep with joy for long. I also feel nice when people praise me. But does such flattery really enrich my soul within for long? If I depend on such fame, popularity, limelight, flattery, for my well being and happiness in life, I will only be devastated and even suicidal if I no longer get them since they are my ‘drugs’ that I have been hooked on as my addiction. This is depicted in Matthew 6:16-21.
One must start the Lent period with the right approach and attitude. That is humility that we are merely dust without the breath of God out of Love for us. Only then, our acts of prayers, abstinence, fasting and almsgiving will be done with the Spirit of Love placing God before us. The focus is no longer on self but God. When we have such humility, we leave some room for improvement in our lives for God to help us in our transformation on our spiritual path. At the end of it, we will feel our thirst quenched as we allow the living water to flow into the dry areas of our lives. Then, we are able to blow the trumpets, rejoicing and celebrating the resurrection of Jesus with others communally through dying to ourselves with Jesus first instead of blowing our own trumpets through drawing attention to ourselves to feed our self inflated egos by using the prayers, abstinence, fasting and almsgiving as tools which ultimately leaving ourselves stuck in the desert with the delusion that we are happy , leading unfulfilled lives with unspoken words, unexpressed feelings, unheld hands and unfinished business with the others.
This is also a period not just for personal reflection and repentance but also coming together to journey with fellow brothers and sisters on our ways of transformation towards God. Christianity is never an individual affair. Reflect and look deep into the 14 Stations of the Cross and you will see how Jesus always had people journeying with him and even die with him other than quiet time with God alone from time to time. All brothers and sisters are loved by God. No discrimination should be exercised against anyone. If not, it defeats the purpose of Lent period for transformation and repentance to be started with humility from being dust ourselves without the breath of Life out of Love. These 40 days of desert may be lonely and tough. But with God and prayers with the others, you know that you will never be alone. Let us journey through our 40 days of desert together through prayers. God bless.
With Love,
Elena
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Lonely Desert
Construction has been going on for lift upgrade at my block and around it. A lot of drilling and knocking going on which drives me crazy. Decided to escape to the airport to do some reading. After which, I went to run some errands for my friend who is still recovering from her operation. My mood has been very down. It is even worse now. Nobody has called me for an interview so far. As time passes by, my hope is also decreasing. I am trying to get out of purely administrative work and out of the public sector if possible as advised by my past reporting officers. I have been heeding their advice looking for jobs in certain industries and fields. Till now, I am not given any opportunity. Am I really destined to be a barista at a cafeteria? If so, how am I going to survive and support the family with such peanut pay? Recently, I have been even slapped with income tax when my pay is not supposed to hit what was reflected in the statement. I wonder how they came up with the figure. With my budget so tight, I got very frustrated to have to pay the stupid tax. No point arguing with the government since it is automatic e-filing. If not, who knows I may be slapped with higher tax for no reason again? The market here is unofficially monopoly. As long as I want to live here, I better keep my mouth shut and endure. I loathe this place more and more, especially after working in certain sector. I get to see the ugly side of such monopoly. But, I am stuck here. I have no money to get out of this damn place. This place is only for the rich. Aid is given to the very poor ones. Anyone between the very poor and very rich will have to fight real hard just to survive. I seriously do not have the confidence of surviving here and not seeing my future.
I went to the Airport Terminal 3 to dream of flying. I do not have the luxury like most of my friends who fly anywhere they want. Some of them fly to my dream countries like they are only travelling to Katong or anywhere in Singapore. I can only envy them and drool. All I can do is to go to the airport, watching the aeroplanes flying off and imagining myself in them off to different countries. To the rich, of course, they may claim that there is no big deal about it and some holy ones even claim that such travelling is not as important and meaningful as life journey. Of course, they can say that as they have the luxury of being sponsored travelling around. They do not have to work hard for such travel. I doubt they will still preach that if they have not had the luxury to be sponsored for their trips. For a poor person like me who loves to explore is a different story. All I can do is to see the people who are travelling at the airport and drool. I can only dream of it. I have a dream of staying at the countryside or big city overseas. I wonder how it is like to be exposed to different cultures. I even dream to study abroad but I know it is impossible to realize it at my age with my financial situation. Moreover, my family situation does not allow me to do so. Sometimes, I do hate myself in my family as my family has been my long term burden which many friends have advised me to leave. None of us has bright future. How the parents plan really affect the children alot. I have been trying to save money but I just cannot hold on to the jobs since I have been doing what I am weakest in and yet for those that I can do well, I need a bloody bachelor certificate to hold the position. I really hate my life. But, I am constantly stuck. I know I can do well for tertiary education and yet I cannot afford. I did not give up. I try to get into what I can do well professionally and yet I encountered situations like restructuring and cutting down headcount and I was asked to leave. I never gave up. I tried to work in those positions that I knew I could not make it just to survive and I bumped into abusive bosses who gave me unfair appraisals out of their insecurity, got insulted in front of other colleagues and these colleagues did not give me due respect and became rude to me even when I was polite, some reporting officers cleared my workstation and threw my things away without asking me, etc. I am very unhappy, really very unhappy for years. Am I really so bad that I have to endure such nonsense for so many years? I try and try. Now, I am trying to get into what I can do and yet I am not given a chance at all. It is very devastating to me. It seems that there is no way out for me. Am I really a person with no future? Where is God? I am not asking to be rich. All I pray for is to get a job where I can make full use of my strengths and bosses who are not so nasty. Actually, I get very upset whenever bosses or reporting officers ask me to go for further studies as they claim that I have competency and yet no matter how capable I am, I will forever be stuck at certain level and pay due to my educational level. What can I do? My family situation does not allow me for such studies. I also know such a fact. I like studying but no support or chance. I hate job hopping. Most of my job changes are encouraged by my ex-colleagues as they saw with their own eyes how much I have suffered even to the extent of damaging my health at times. I worked twice if not, even thrice as hard as the others. Guess what? I did not even get bonuses in some organizations where the laziest person got it just because the bosses felt threatened by me even if they were much more capable than me!!! Why is my life so screwed up? Or am I not supposed to be here at all?
I am feeling very devastated and hopeless now which no friends can ever understand. I am questioning my existence. I passed by my Secondary school yesterday on my way to the airport. It seems that God is reminding me mummy who was my Secondary 1 form tutor had sponsored me for my GCE A Level and Polytechnic studies. She had pinned high hopes on me as mentioned by her spouse but she was too disappointed in me to talk to me at all. What have I achieved so far? My life is no longer my own but mummy’s as she gave me a second chance to live. If I kill myself, how am I going to answer to mummy if I see her? I do not want to see her expression of disappointment towards me again. Want to die also cannot. My life now is as good as dead with my career doomed due to my change of jobs. Career is top on my priority. I can survive without romantic love but not career. To me, if my career is doomed, it is as good as my life is doomed. I feel like a zombie now. Other than job search, I spend most of my time sleeping. As time passes by at home, my hope is diminishing. I do not know how long I can go on.
During this period of really down time with coming to no hope, I am trying to be of service to others so that they will not be as down or even more down than me. I try to run errands for them or listen to their problems though I am struggling with my own feelings inside. I am trying to pick myself up by making myself useful for the others. Very close friends and loved ones are taking my nonsense as I am getting out of control. I complain alot more nowadays, criticise people alot more, throwing tantrums alot more. If suicide is legal, I would rather kill myself than living like that, causing people around me to suffer. At my age, I do not have family with a spouse and children for me to go back to. I can say I have failed in all aspects of my life. No career, no family, no money, not many friends, no church, nothing...I wonder why God created me to begin with. On the other hand, if trash can be recycled, I cannot be worse than trash. If I were a trash, I am insulting God for being rubbish and stupid to create me out of His mistake. God can never be so stupid as to not able to use me creatively.
I am fighting within me. On one hand, I want to rot at home waiting to die. On the other hand, when friends or loved ones need help, I will just help because I do not want them to feel helpless or hopeless like me. As much as I can, I help to improve their quality of lives in very small ways. I want them to know that I am there for them regardless of whether they appreciate me or not. As long as they ask me to help, I will. Most of them leave me once their lives turn to be better and I let go. My friend is still recovering from her operation with her two year old daughter and her maid in a hotel room. I know how it is like to be lonely. So, as mentioned in my last blog entry, I gave her a birthday surprise and she was touched and happy. Her smile warmed my heart. I am running errands like buying DVDs for her daughter and milk powder and stuffs for baby since she cannot go out much. It is challenging to me to purchase such things as I know nuts about baby stuffs. When buying such stuffs, I feel like unwed mother buying baby stuffs for my child. The process of purchasing such stuffs is challenging and yet a valuable lesson for me as I am learning more about babies and the products. My friend even joked that it is for me to be prepared for me to be a mother in the future. At the back of my mind, I know it is impossible if I ever get married at all since guys have such high standards for their spouses. I have neither looks nor money nor career. The guy would be blind or on ecstasy if he were to be willing to marry me. He has to be as eccentric as me to understand me. I have got no confidence to survive this Lent period. But, I am trying. Sometimes, well intentioned friends advised me but little do they know that I feel worse after that as I feel insulted since I hear what they are saying inside behind the words that they use. They have not realized that they are becoming arrogant after their tertiary education. The kind of advice given put me down subtly. I still meet them when they are down. As usual, it is about not wanting to see them as hopeless as me. By helping every person who comes to me or approaching every person as prompted by the Holy Spirit, there is one less unhappy person or person trapped in the world. I know they may not appreciate me and some of them have the potential to step on me or even shit on me as they climb higher up. It does not matter. By helping them to improve on their situations, they are more equipped to help their family members and others. Then, more people will be happy.
The other errand I have to run is for my sister. My niece will be going for her operation. I am going for the appointment with my brother-in-law and niece on 23 February since my sister cannot take leave. I really do not feel good going to see how the poor baby suffers again. For this appointment, I am there to help confirm the operation to proceed and clarify certain details so that the doctor can arrange the date and necessary logistics for the operation. It is going to be tough on the child to have her kidney removed and the caregivers who are looking after her. All of us feel the pain for the baby. We have been praying for miracle that her malfunctioned kidney will work. We are also trying to raise the operation fee and the charges involved. Now, we move one step at a time. The focus should be on how we can best help my niece. She is so cute and chubby and has brought us a lot of joy and laughter. We will try to give her our best. I am really useless. I cannot help much as my savings will be used up soon due to my unemployment. Really sorry that I cannot help much financially.
This period of Lent is really difficult. I don’t see hope in my career at all. My future seems doomed. I fail in every aspect of my life. Some friends may not have careers but have families set up with their spouses with lovely children. Some get some money for further studies and start climbing their ways up while others have established their careers. What do I have? Where do I fit in? I really do not know. I have always asked myself if there is really no place for me in this vast world. Am I really so bad or difficult that there is really no place for me to fit in? No family for such a difficult me? My friends often asked me to start a business and professional personality tests have shown that too and even show that I have leadership qualities. To be realistic, where do I get the capital? I have my dream of setting a cafeteria overseas. A dream is still a dream afterall. A dream does not cost a cent. But reality does cost alot. I have always dreamt of studying in USA since very young. But it can only be a dream though my professional thinking style and personality tests show that I can only fit into the American educational system. The reality is I had to struggle under the rigid Singapore educational system and could not do well to get a scholarship for the local tertiary education. All I can blame is myself for being eccentric and why I just cannot be wired to think like the majority. To sound nice, I am creative or original. To sound crude, I am just stupid, not able to follow and do well like the majority. So, my problem does not just happen only recently. It has been around since I entered school. I suffer what I call chronic loneliness. I have many friends but I just cannot connect with them, not even my parents. So far, only three people have connected with me and understand what I am talking about so far without me taking the pain to explain much but they have left me. Here, I am, alone again.
I am not sure how I can survive this Lent outside church. Actually, whether in church or not, I do not get much support from the people from church. I only get more vexed with them. I am only deprived myself from the Eucharist and the sacraments. I miss spending quiet time in church. I miss staring at the big crucifix in the main church. I miss the talks and lessons I attended in church. I miss the intellectual discussion I had with the small groups. I miss serving in church. I know I am short changing myself. I never blame anyone but myself right from the beginning. I could have avoided things at all costs even to the point of being cold blooded. Who asked me to do wrong? Who asked me to get into trouble? Who asked me to have feelings? I have to bear the consequences for the good of everyone. If I have a choice, I rather kill myself. But, the fact is my body is God’s for the Spirit to be housed. I am created by God. Only He can call me home. I cannot just end my life prematurely as my mission here is not completed. Actually, I have always thought that it will be perfect if I died many years ago instead of mummy. I even prayed for years for her disease to be transferred to me and I died instead before her death. She had her family with a loving spouse and lovely daughter. She was a capable and loving teacher who dedicated her life to teaching. A lot more people could have benefitted from her if I died instead. But, God has planned it that she was called home and I continued with my life with chronic loneliness. I do learn alot from life lessons. I do encounter kind souls in the midst of many nasty ones. Some even sacrificed themselves in some ways for me which touched me deep within.
Many people keep on telling me I am smart though my school teachers used to tell me I was very slow or stupid. I really do not know how I can put it to good use. So far, in my career, I have not really used my strengths but have been torturing myself with jobs that I cannot make it just for survival. I really have this dread that this will go on forever. All I ask is a chance to have a job that really uses my strengths and bosses who are not so nasty. Where do I go from here? Is my career really doomed? Am I destined to be lonely and be misunderstood often? Will I ever have a spouse who loves me? Will I ever be blessed with motherhood to bear fruits? Will I ever have a home of my own? Will I have friends who really care and not put me down? Will I ever find someone who can connect with me? Can I ever go back to church without any accusations? Am I going to be stuck in my family situation forever just because some people want things their ways at the expense of my future and happiness? I really would not want to give in to my destructive images. I really do not believe that I will be stuck forever. The question is how long I have to continue to be stuck in this lonely desert.
You may experience your own lonely desert no matter where you are. The world is big and it is never made up of desert entirely. Try to reach outward and never give up. By helping others or reaching out, it is also a way of giving yourself a break from this lonely desert and quenching your thirst through sharing that little love you have with the others. My friend scolded me about my lack of faith and my normal fighting spirit recently. Seriously, I am just too tired and trapped and feel like giving up. Perhaps, I have not given up because of the hope that God has instilled within me. I find it hard to pray during this time as I do not know what to thank Him for. I still hang on to Him since I have been surviving so far with some blessings from some people. To me, it is a miracle that I still find the strength to help my friends despite my hopelessness. I know that push comes from God out of Love. God is always there even if you do not feel His presence like me now. But, it does not mean that He is not there. It s up to you to find Him through people, Word, Blessed Sacrament, the sacraments, church, nature, etc. as long as you do not close the door and throw the keys away. For my case, I am trapped in a house with no doors or windows. I know I have the staff from God to knock a hole for the light to penetrate. I am knocking the wall down slowly. Hopefully, I see more light and my life will change. I am working to have a breakthrough. I loathe the life I am having now. I loathe the place I am staying now. I am praying for a change even if it means hardship as I do not want to be stuck anymore, even if I have to get out of this country starting anew elsewhere giving up everything here. I do not know how to. I am still hanging on to that glimmer of hope and waiting patiently for the breakthrough while making the efforts to improve myself. If a horrible and hopeless case like me can survive till now, it means God does exist. So, never lose hope and hang on to the glimmer of hope that you have by having the faith in God that He will provide you for all your needs and bless you with miracles if you care to put in efforts to improve your life and connect with Him to quench your thirst in your desert. Many people who have committed suicide end their lives prematurely before waiting in God’s time for the miracles to work. Sometimes, patience is necessary in God’s time and not in ours as only God knows how to unite all the resources, people, etc. perfectly for His plan to work for the best of our interest that is better than the plans that we think is the best. If we end our lives prematurely, we are not just throwing away God’s gift of life for us but also deprive ourselves from His miracles that will happen in His time. No matter what, never give up. Where there is will, there is a way. God bless.
With Love,
Elena
I went to the Airport Terminal 3 to dream of flying. I do not have the luxury like most of my friends who fly anywhere they want. Some of them fly to my dream countries like they are only travelling to Katong or anywhere in Singapore. I can only envy them and drool. All I can do is to go to the airport, watching the aeroplanes flying off and imagining myself in them off to different countries. To the rich, of course, they may claim that there is no big deal about it and some holy ones even claim that such travelling is not as important and meaningful as life journey. Of course, they can say that as they have the luxury of being sponsored travelling around. They do not have to work hard for such travel. I doubt they will still preach that if they have not had the luxury to be sponsored for their trips. For a poor person like me who loves to explore is a different story. All I can do is to see the people who are travelling at the airport and drool. I can only dream of it. I have a dream of staying at the countryside or big city overseas. I wonder how it is like to be exposed to different cultures. I even dream to study abroad but I know it is impossible to realize it at my age with my financial situation. Moreover, my family situation does not allow me to do so. Sometimes, I do hate myself in my family as my family has been my long term burden which many friends have advised me to leave. None of us has bright future. How the parents plan really affect the children alot. I have been trying to save money but I just cannot hold on to the jobs since I have been doing what I am weakest in and yet for those that I can do well, I need a bloody bachelor certificate to hold the position. I really hate my life. But, I am constantly stuck. I know I can do well for tertiary education and yet I cannot afford. I did not give up. I try to get into what I can do well professionally and yet I encountered situations like restructuring and cutting down headcount and I was asked to leave. I never gave up. I tried to work in those positions that I knew I could not make it just to survive and I bumped into abusive bosses who gave me unfair appraisals out of their insecurity, got insulted in front of other colleagues and these colleagues did not give me due respect and became rude to me even when I was polite, some reporting officers cleared my workstation and threw my things away without asking me, etc. I am very unhappy, really very unhappy for years. Am I really so bad that I have to endure such nonsense for so many years? I try and try. Now, I am trying to get into what I can do and yet I am not given a chance at all. It is very devastating to me. It seems that there is no way out for me. Am I really a person with no future? Where is God? I am not asking to be rich. All I pray for is to get a job where I can make full use of my strengths and bosses who are not so nasty. Actually, I get very upset whenever bosses or reporting officers ask me to go for further studies as they claim that I have competency and yet no matter how capable I am, I will forever be stuck at certain level and pay due to my educational level. What can I do? My family situation does not allow me for such studies. I also know such a fact. I like studying but no support or chance. I hate job hopping. Most of my job changes are encouraged by my ex-colleagues as they saw with their own eyes how much I have suffered even to the extent of damaging my health at times. I worked twice if not, even thrice as hard as the others. Guess what? I did not even get bonuses in some organizations where the laziest person got it just because the bosses felt threatened by me even if they were much more capable than me!!! Why is my life so screwed up? Or am I not supposed to be here at all?
I am feeling very devastated and hopeless now which no friends can ever understand. I am questioning my existence. I passed by my Secondary school yesterday on my way to the airport. It seems that God is reminding me mummy who was my Secondary 1 form tutor had sponsored me for my GCE A Level and Polytechnic studies. She had pinned high hopes on me as mentioned by her spouse but she was too disappointed in me to talk to me at all. What have I achieved so far? My life is no longer my own but mummy’s as she gave me a second chance to live. If I kill myself, how am I going to answer to mummy if I see her? I do not want to see her expression of disappointment towards me again. Want to die also cannot. My life now is as good as dead with my career doomed due to my change of jobs. Career is top on my priority. I can survive without romantic love but not career. To me, if my career is doomed, it is as good as my life is doomed. I feel like a zombie now. Other than job search, I spend most of my time sleeping. As time passes by at home, my hope is diminishing. I do not know how long I can go on.
During this period of really down time with coming to no hope, I am trying to be of service to others so that they will not be as down or even more down than me. I try to run errands for them or listen to their problems though I am struggling with my own feelings inside. I am trying to pick myself up by making myself useful for the others. Very close friends and loved ones are taking my nonsense as I am getting out of control. I complain alot more nowadays, criticise people alot more, throwing tantrums alot more. If suicide is legal, I would rather kill myself than living like that, causing people around me to suffer. At my age, I do not have family with a spouse and children for me to go back to. I can say I have failed in all aspects of my life. No career, no family, no money, not many friends, no church, nothing...I wonder why God created me to begin with. On the other hand, if trash can be recycled, I cannot be worse than trash. If I were a trash, I am insulting God for being rubbish and stupid to create me out of His mistake. God can never be so stupid as to not able to use me creatively.
I am fighting within me. On one hand, I want to rot at home waiting to die. On the other hand, when friends or loved ones need help, I will just help because I do not want them to feel helpless or hopeless like me. As much as I can, I help to improve their quality of lives in very small ways. I want them to know that I am there for them regardless of whether they appreciate me or not. As long as they ask me to help, I will. Most of them leave me once their lives turn to be better and I let go. My friend is still recovering from her operation with her two year old daughter and her maid in a hotel room. I know how it is like to be lonely. So, as mentioned in my last blog entry, I gave her a birthday surprise and she was touched and happy. Her smile warmed my heart. I am running errands like buying DVDs for her daughter and milk powder and stuffs for baby since she cannot go out much. It is challenging to me to purchase such things as I know nuts about baby stuffs. When buying such stuffs, I feel like unwed mother buying baby stuffs for my child. The process of purchasing such stuffs is challenging and yet a valuable lesson for me as I am learning more about babies and the products. My friend even joked that it is for me to be prepared for me to be a mother in the future. At the back of my mind, I know it is impossible if I ever get married at all since guys have such high standards for their spouses. I have neither looks nor money nor career. The guy would be blind or on ecstasy if he were to be willing to marry me. He has to be as eccentric as me to understand me. I have got no confidence to survive this Lent period. But, I am trying. Sometimes, well intentioned friends advised me but little do they know that I feel worse after that as I feel insulted since I hear what they are saying inside behind the words that they use. They have not realized that they are becoming arrogant after their tertiary education. The kind of advice given put me down subtly. I still meet them when they are down. As usual, it is about not wanting to see them as hopeless as me. By helping every person who comes to me or approaching every person as prompted by the Holy Spirit, there is one less unhappy person or person trapped in the world. I know they may not appreciate me and some of them have the potential to step on me or even shit on me as they climb higher up. It does not matter. By helping them to improve on their situations, they are more equipped to help their family members and others. Then, more people will be happy.
The other errand I have to run is for my sister. My niece will be going for her operation. I am going for the appointment with my brother-in-law and niece on 23 February since my sister cannot take leave. I really do not feel good going to see how the poor baby suffers again. For this appointment, I am there to help confirm the operation to proceed and clarify certain details so that the doctor can arrange the date and necessary logistics for the operation. It is going to be tough on the child to have her kidney removed and the caregivers who are looking after her. All of us feel the pain for the baby. We have been praying for miracle that her malfunctioned kidney will work. We are also trying to raise the operation fee and the charges involved. Now, we move one step at a time. The focus should be on how we can best help my niece. She is so cute and chubby and has brought us a lot of joy and laughter. We will try to give her our best. I am really useless. I cannot help much as my savings will be used up soon due to my unemployment. Really sorry that I cannot help much financially.
This period of Lent is really difficult. I don’t see hope in my career at all. My future seems doomed. I fail in every aspect of my life. Some friends may not have careers but have families set up with their spouses with lovely children. Some get some money for further studies and start climbing their ways up while others have established their careers. What do I have? Where do I fit in? I really do not know. I have always asked myself if there is really no place for me in this vast world. Am I really so bad or difficult that there is really no place for me to fit in? No family for such a difficult me? My friends often asked me to start a business and professional personality tests have shown that too and even show that I have leadership qualities. To be realistic, where do I get the capital? I have my dream of setting a cafeteria overseas. A dream is still a dream afterall. A dream does not cost a cent. But reality does cost alot. I have always dreamt of studying in USA since very young. But it can only be a dream though my professional thinking style and personality tests show that I can only fit into the American educational system. The reality is I had to struggle under the rigid Singapore educational system and could not do well to get a scholarship for the local tertiary education. All I can blame is myself for being eccentric and why I just cannot be wired to think like the majority. To sound nice, I am creative or original. To sound crude, I am just stupid, not able to follow and do well like the majority. So, my problem does not just happen only recently. It has been around since I entered school. I suffer what I call chronic loneliness. I have many friends but I just cannot connect with them, not even my parents. So far, only three people have connected with me and understand what I am talking about so far without me taking the pain to explain much but they have left me. Here, I am, alone again.
I am not sure how I can survive this Lent outside church. Actually, whether in church or not, I do not get much support from the people from church. I only get more vexed with them. I am only deprived myself from the Eucharist and the sacraments. I miss spending quiet time in church. I miss staring at the big crucifix in the main church. I miss the talks and lessons I attended in church. I miss the intellectual discussion I had with the small groups. I miss serving in church. I know I am short changing myself. I never blame anyone but myself right from the beginning. I could have avoided things at all costs even to the point of being cold blooded. Who asked me to do wrong? Who asked me to get into trouble? Who asked me to have feelings? I have to bear the consequences for the good of everyone. If I have a choice, I rather kill myself. But, the fact is my body is God’s for the Spirit to be housed. I am created by God. Only He can call me home. I cannot just end my life prematurely as my mission here is not completed. Actually, I have always thought that it will be perfect if I died many years ago instead of mummy. I even prayed for years for her disease to be transferred to me and I died instead before her death. She had her family with a loving spouse and lovely daughter. She was a capable and loving teacher who dedicated her life to teaching. A lot more people could have benefitted from her if I died instead. But, God has planned it that she was called home and I continued with my life with chronic loneliness. I do learn alot from life lessons. I do encounter kind souls in the midst of many nasty ones. Some even sacrificed themselves in some ways for me which touched me deep within.
Many people keep on telling me I am smart though my school teachers used to tell me I was very slow or stupid. I really do not know how I can put it to good use. So far, in my career, I have not really used my strengths but have been torturing myself with jobs that I cannot make it just for survival. I really have this dread that this will go on forever. All I ask is a chance to have a job that really uses my strengths and bosses who are not so nasty. Where do I go from here? Is my career really doomed? Am I destined to be lonely and be misunderstood often? Will I ever have a spouse who loves me? Will I ever be blessed with motherhood to bear fruits? Will I ever have a home of my own? Will I have friends who really care and not put me down? Will I ever find someone who can connect with me? Can I ever go back to church without any accusations? Am I going to be stuck in my family situation forever just because some people want things their ways at the expense of my future and happiness? I really would not want to give in to my destructive images. I really do not believe that I will be stuck forever. The question is how long I have to continue to be stuck in this lonely desert.
You may experience your own lonely desert no matter where you are. The world is big and it is never made up of desert entirely. Try to reach outward and never give up. By helping others or reaching out, it is also a way of giving yourself a break from this lonely desert and quenching your thirst through sharing that little love you have with the others. My friend scolded me about my lack of faith and my normal fighting spirit recently. Seriously, I am just too tired and trapped and feel like giving up. Perhaps, I have not given up because of the hope that God has instilled within me. I find it hard to pray during this time as I do not know what to thank Him for. I still hang on to Him since I have been surviving so far with some blessings from some people. To me, it is a miracle that I still find the strength to help my friends despite my hopelessness. I know that push comes from God out of Love. God is always there even if you do not feel His presence like me now. But, it does not mean that He is not there. It s up to you to find Him through people, Word, Blessed Sacrament, the sacraments, church, nature, etc. as long as you do not close the door and throw the keys away. For my case, I am trapped in a house with no doors or windows. I know I have the staff from God to knock a hole for the light to penetrate. I am knocking the wall down slowly. Hopefully, I see more light and my life will change. I am working to have a breakthrough. I loathe the life I am having now. I loathe the place I am staying now. I am praying for a change even if it means hardship as I do not want to be stuck anymore, even if I have to get out of this country starting anew elsewhere giving up everything here. I do not know how to. I am still hanging on to that glimmer of hope and waiting patiently for the breakthrough while making the efforts to improve myself. If a horrible and hopeless case like me can survive till now, it means God does exist. So, never lose hope and hang on to the glimmer of hope that you have by having the faith in God that He will provide you for all your needs and bless you with miracles if you care to put in efforts to improve your life and connect with Him to quench your thirst in your desert. Many people who have committed suicide end their lives prematurely before waiting in God’s time for the miracles to work. Sometimes, patience is necessary in God’s time and not in ours as only God knows how to unite all the resources, people, etc. perfectly for His plan to work for the best of our interest that is better than the plans that we think is the best. If we end our lives prematurely, we are not just throwing away God’s gift of life for us but also deprive ourselves from His miracles that will happen in His time. No matter what, never give up. Where there is will, there is a way. God bless.
With Love,
Elena
Friday, February 17, 2012
Alien
My mood is going haywired. Some funny ideas keep on lingering in my mind so much that I keep on seeing the same image. I did try to confide in friends but feel worse most of the time as they do not understand what I am talking about. They have good intention and I appreciate that. But, sometimes, I pick up what is going on in some of them instead which cause more burden to me. My job search has been not smooth. I have been unemployed for more than 3 months. To me, career is more important than anything else in my life, including relationships. It seems to me that my career has come to an end since most employers do not trust that I will stay committed. I am very stuck as it is very difficult for me to explain to potential employers why I changed my jobs; some were due to restructuring and cutting down on headcount which led to me leaving, some due to insecurity of bosses who were afraid of me surpassing them at work and gave me unfair appraisal no matter how hard I had worked, some were abusive and kept on giving vague directions and turning the tables around to accuse us in front of the top management, some even intruded my space by throwing my things away from my workstation, etc. I really have to confess that I have tried so hard in those organizations that even my colleagues and other bosses advised me to leave as they saw how I was abused and I had tried too hard to tolerate the nonsense till the extent that I was no longer myself. I am very stuck now. Should I just get any jobs like the administrative jobs which I cannot make it and continue to keep getting stuck in the vicious cycle being haunted again and again like what I have been going through or should I continue to apply for jobs where I can fit in and excel as advised by my reporting officers? But, how long do I have to wait?
I am trying very hard and keep on compromising on the kind of jobs I am looking for but to no avail. I have come to this point where I am too tired and feel very hopeless. I even feel life is meaningless. A lot of things are going on inside me and it’s getting out of control. I even think God has abandoned me. People around me keep on asking me to pray. Yes, I pray again and again. But, no answers at all. Does it mean that my career is the end? If my career is the end, my life is meaningless. I even get so impulsive that I went straight into a cafeteria to apply for the position of a barista which I know will destroy my health ultimately. I don’t want to live off people. My friend told me there must be a way out. To me, I am trapped in a house with no doors nor windows. I have been fighting to fit in for more than 20 years. Whenever I am asked to do some professional personality or thinking styles tests, the results always show I fall within the minority. With such a small country like Singapore and most people are brought up to think in certain limited ways, it is no doubt that I am one of the outcasts. Being outcasts means loneliness. I may try to confide in friends but they do not even understand what I am talking about most of the time. At workplace or in schools or even in church, my eccentric character or thinking stands out. When I did one professional thinking style test in church, the youth leaders were quite shocked that my high score in a particular thinking style pulled the overall score of the youth ministry up in that thinking style. The professional coach even advised me to select my university carefully as I do not fit into the conventional universities. She is right in that. I spend most of my school days with loneliness and I find it hard to conform to the conventional teaching. When left alone, I do much better.
I know how it is like to be lonely. Most of the time, even if I have many friends or loved ones around me, I feel very disconnected. One of my areas in reaching out is to the outcasts in the offices or schools or churches wherever I happen to be. So far, these outcasts confided in me and I am happy to be of some help and service to them. I often do not believe in what most people in the particular places say about the outcasts. I will approach these outcasts as prompted by the little voices within. Most of them have their defensive walls so high that I need to put in a lot of time and efforts to reach them and yet not intruding their privacy. As an outcast myself, I understand that not all outcasts are not as bad as the majority has deemed them to be. Most of the outcasts just think differently and are honest about themselves instead of trying to please others even if the others are wrong. When we become friends, they are really good friends though they may not make good colleagues or working partners. It does not matter. I am still happy to be their friends as their sharing enriches my life. At least, we are no longer lonely as we connect our worlds to be bigger.
I guess I am not only poor materially but also spiritually. I have God but I really cannot connect with most people. Not that I never try, I have tried so hard that I nearly killed myself a few times, losing myself. Now, I am just trying to be myself. I am trying to find a job where I can really fit in and excel in my job with my strengths. For the past 7 years of working life, I have been taking up positions for survival but felt tortured as what my reporting officers have said, I am a ball trying to fit into square pegs. It does not work in the long run as I am not only not using my gifts but trying to be who I am not. It will keep on coming back to haunt me. Yes, I want to find a job where I can use my gifts but opportunity is not given to me. Potential employers think that I give up easily when I have tried too hard which only my ex-colleagues who worked with me would know. How do I explain that during the interviews? Working life in this modern world is totally different from the one in the past. In the past, you were expected to work nine to five. Nowadays, we spend most of our waking hours at work. If we do not enjoy what we do and get abused at work, that would mean we would be unhappy in general as long as we are in the organizations and we will be thrown off the balance and kill ourselves spiritually or even literally in the long run.
God does have His purpose for bestowing us some deemed negative traits. All traits must be looked upon as a whole package in every individual. For my case, my eccentric character or thinking has already stood out. Imagine if I were to be beautiful, I will stand out even more. Sometimes, some negative traits are just meant to harness our good ones so that we will not be led to destruction in any ways. I am glad that I am ugly so that some people are already filtered out as they do not notice plain Jane and ignore me and my eccentricity will not obvious to more people. Anyway, I cannot handle unwanted attention or pity. I find limelight too much for me to handle. I like to be carefree and feel free wherever I go without much attention. Imagine if I were to be beautiful, my beauty will become a curse to me as it will turn heads to me. My friend though that I said it to comfort myself. I really mean what I say. That is why you will never see me putting on heavy makeup unless it is very necessary for some important occasions. I have never even thought of plastic surgery.
I do have struggles accepting myself at times though I know I am loved by God as many people misunderstand me and even insult me. It is tough. Sometimes, I even doubt God along the way. Some friends will remind me God will never forsake me. I have to keep on reminding myself through regular prayers and thanksgiving that I am alive because of breath of Love out from God. I cannot kill myself as my body is not mine but God’s. I am only a steward to house the Spirit. It is tough especially when you are feeling lonely. But, God will have His way to remind me I am never forsaken.
Here, I am, still have not given up though I nearly gave up a few times. I also have to thank the very few people who bother to accompany me or even scold me for my own good. I am still trying hard though I do not know how. No matter where you are, no matter how tough times can be, no matter how lonely you feel, there are people out there going through it. You are never going through it alone. I can’t say for the others. At least, I am going through it for many years. Let us walk through it through prayers together. God bless.
With Love,
Elena
I am trying very hard and keep on compromising on the kind of jobs I am looking for but to no avail. I have come to this point where I am too tired and feel very hopeless. I even feel life is meaningless. A lot of things are going on inside me and it’s getting out of control. I even think God has abandoned me. People around me keep on asking me to pray. Yes, I pray again and again. But, no answers at all. Does it mean that my career is the end? If my career is the end, my life is meaningless. I even get so impulsive that I went straight into a cafeteria to apply for the position of a barista which I know will destroy my health ultimately. I don’t want to live off people. My friend told me there must be a way out. To me, I am trapped in a house with no doors nor windows. I have been fighting to fit in for more than 20 years. Whenever I am asked to do some professional personality or thinking styles tests, the results always show I fall within the minority. With such a small country like Singapore and most people are brought up to think in certain limited ways, it is no doubt that I am one of the outcasts. Being outcasts means loneliness. I may try to confide in friends but they do not even understand what I am talking about most of the time. At workplace or in schools or even in church, my eccentric character or thinking stands out. When I did one professional thinking style test in church, the youth leaders were quite shocked that my high score in a particular thinking style pulled the overall score of the youth ministry up in that thinking style. The professional coach even advised me to select my university carefully as I do not fit into the conventional universities. She is right in that. I spend most of my school days with loneliness and I find it hard to conform to the conventional teaching. When left alone, I do much better.
I know how it is like to be lonely. Most of the time, even if I have many friends or loved ones around me, I feel very disconnected. One of my areas in reaching out is to the outcasts in the offices or schools or churches wherever I happen to be. So far, these outcasts confided in me and I am happy to be of some help and service to them. I often do not believe in what most people in the particular places say about the outcasts. I will approach these outcasts as prompted by the little voices within. Most of them have their defensive walls so high that I need to put in a lot of time and efforts to reach them and yet not intruding their privacy. As an outcast myself, I understand that not all outcasts are not as bad as the majority has deemed them to be. Most of the outcasts just think differently and are honest about themselves instead of trying to please others even if the others are wrong. When we become friends, they are really good friends though they may not make good colleagues or working partners. It does not matter. I am still happy to be their friends as their sharing enriches my life. At least, we are no longer lonely as we connect our worlds to be bigger.
I guess I am not only poor materially but also spiritually. I have God but I really cannot connect with most people. Not that I never try, I have tried so hard that I nearly killed myself a few times, losing myself. Now, I am just trying to be myself. I am trying to find a job where I can really fit in and excel in my job with my strengths. For the past 7 years of working life, I have been taking up positions for survival but felt tortured as what my reporting officers have said, I am a ball trying to fit into square pegs. It does not work in the long run as I am not only not using my gifts but trying to be who I am not. It will keep on coming back to haunt me. Yes, I want to find a job where I can use my gifts but opportunity is not given to me. Potential employers think that I give up easily when I have tried too hard which only my ex-colleagues who worked with me would know. How do I explain that during the interviews? Working life in this modern world is totally different from the one in the past. In the past, you were expected to work nine to five. Nowadays, we spend most of our waking hours at work. If we do not enjoy what we do and get abused at work, that would mean we would be unhappy in general as long as we are in the organizations and we will be thrown off the balance and kill ourselves spiritually or even literally in the long run.
God does have His purpose for bestowing us some deemed negative traits. All traits must be looked upon as a whole package in every individual. For my case, my eccentric character or thinking has already stood out. Imagine if I were to be beautiful, I will stand out even more. Sometimes, some negative traits are just meant to harness our good ones so that we will not be led to destruction in any ways. I am glad that I am ugly so that some people are already filtered out as they do not notice plain Jane and ignore me and my eccentricity will not obvious to more people. Anyway, I cannot handle unwanted attention or pity. I find limelight too much for me to handle. I like to be carefree and feel free wherever I go without much attention. Imagine if I were to be beautiful, my beauty will become a curse to me as it will turn heads to me. My friend though that I said it to comfort myself. I really mean what I say. That is why you will never see me putting on heavy makeup unless it is very necessary for some important occasions. I have never even thought of plastic surgery.
I do have struggles accepting myself at times though I know I am loved by God as many people misunderstand me and even insult me. It is tough. Sometimes, I even doubt God along the way. Some friends will remind me God will never forsake me. I have to keep on reminding myself through regular prayers and thanksgiving that I am alive because of breath of Love out from God. I cannot kill myself as my body is not mine but God’s. I am only a steward to house the Spirit. It is tough especially when you are feeling lonely. But, God will have His way to remind me I am never forsaken.
Here, I am, still have not given up though I nearly gave up a few times. I also have to thank the very few people who bother to accompany me or even scold me for my own good. I am still trying hard though I do not know how. No matter where you are, no matter how tough times can be, no matter how lonely you feel, there are people out there going through it. You are never going through it alone. I can’t say for the others. At least, I am going through it for many years. Let us walk through it through prayers together. God bless.
With Love,
Elena
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Gain from Loss
Have just come back after meeting two friends. All my appointments for the whole day yesterday were impromptu. Basically, my mood swing has been quite drastic due to my frustration in my job search for many weeks. I am simply stuck. I think I am feeling more down and hopeless. I am thinking if I should get myself back into the vicious cycle of doing purely paperwork which I cannot make it and have been advised to get out of by past reporting officers or I should just continue to look for jobs that I am confident in doing and staying in the organization for long. My question is how long I have to wait. I have been jobless since December last year. My inertia is dragging me down into depression. I find life meaningless nowadays. I get frustrated and angry easily and my frustration is getting out of control. Nowadays, I don’t even want to socialize and seek any help. I close myself at home most of the time.
However, I decided to do something yesterday. I met two friends at different times. I met my old friend in the afternoon. She is here in Singapore for an operation again. I was afraid she would fall into depression again and decided to give her a surprise for her birthday celebration in her hotel room as it was her birthday. I love giving surprises!!! Despite feeling down myself, somehow, all I wanted was to cheer her up with a little surprise. I am definitely not a generous or big hearted person as I can be very calculative in some ways. I just did what I felt like doing within me. I was happy searching high and low for a birthday cake which looked nice and seemed taste good and yet affordable since my bank account is running really low due to my unemployment. I know I should not spend money without thinking. But, to me, buying a small birthday cake to cheer an old friend up is more important. I just have to cut down on my food intake. Finally, I bought a heart shaped white cheese cake with some roses on it. It was less than $25. Then, I bought some plastic plates and forks. I happily hopped on a cab and went to the hotel which was nearby but ulu (inaccessible).
I was quite surprised by her response when she saw the cake. The normally introverted friend of mine hugged me with joy. Her smile and joy filled me with joy and I forgot about my down feelings during that moment. Then, we talked and shared what have been happening in our lives. She also confided in me. I am very glad to be of service to her. This service is done out of Love. Without the Spirit of Love within me, I would not have spent the money on the cake and items out of the little money in my bank account. Nothing to boast about because with the little money that I part with, I gain more through her smile. Somehow, her smile warms my cold and hopeless heart within. All the gift to her becomes multiplied through her smile and gratitude. I just want her to be happy and I have managed to brighten up her day. Who gains more?
Then, I went to meet another friend for KTV in the evening. She was feeling down. I was no better. The songs I chose were depressing and sad. I have managed to vent all my pent up feelings within through the songs. Maybe, I have been alone most of the time and I have got no outlet or people to talk or write to. I just bottle them up inside. So, the KTV session helped me to let these feelings go. After the KTV session, my friend confided in me as she was facing some relationship problems. I thank God that I could still be of service to her despite my instability and frustration from my job search. She felt much better after I have helped her to look at things from other angles. I gain again from spending my time with her, listening to her and advising her. When I saw her expression of relief, I felt happy for her.
For the whole day yesterday, I was happy to be of service to my friends who are feeling either lonely or trapped. I know how it is like to be lonely like my friend who has gone for operation and staying in the hotel since I am feeling very lonely in my lonely path now and how frustrating and hopeless to get trapped like my other friend who is trapped in the relationship issues since I am stuck in my career now. At least, after my time spent with them, they are happier. That is all I ask for. I do not need any praise or thank you from them since I have already gained from the relief and smiles from them after that. At least, each time I see the smile on a friend after time spent with him/her, there is one less unhappy person in the world, there is one less person feeling trapped in the world, there is one less person feeling lonely in the world. I am not the best person in the world. I may not be perfect. I may be still stuck in my situation. All I can do is to try to reach out to others with the very little I have so that the very little I have multiplies through sharing with others and they will multiply what they have received by sharing with more people and so on.
It is Valentine’s Day today. How are you celebrating this special day with your valentine? Any surprises for your valentine? This special day is an excuse to be away from your busy schedule or work to be with that special one. It does not have to be expensive. Your presence to each other is already a gift to each other. Personally, I appreciate quality time spent together, even more than diamond. Diamond can be bought but time is something which cannot be bought or reversed. Nothing is greater than spending quality time silently and intimately with a lover who is willing to spend his precious time with you instead of doing something else or meeting someone else. Time is priceless. Valentine’s Day does not have to be commercialized. It is about spending quality time in your own romantic world where both of you indulge in the sea of Love. You know he loves you by spending his time with you as he has chosen to stay by your side instead of being elsewhere in the world. He is there to go through thick and thin with you and protect you. Here, I would like to dedicate this song Reason from the Secret Garden OST album to all married couples and lovers. You may click on this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUJftoxegQE for the translation though there are spelling errors. I like the lyrics as it tells what love should be briefly.
How do I celebrate my Valentine’s Day? I intend to go for a movie alone celebrating it in my old maid way. Also happy to see how other couples indulge into their dreamy romantic worlds. Nothing wrong to be left on the shelf as some people are just not meant for marriage. Yes, lonely but won’t die. Such things cannot be forced and I also won’t go for any matchmaking sessions just to get married or go desperate to marry any Tom, Dick or Harry. Let nature takes its course and let God’s will be done. I just have to get used to this lonely path while reaching out to others or cheer others up, especially the lonely or less fortunate ones. I have just attended a church wedding on last Saturday. Really happy to worship God in church and sang the songs to praise God for such joyous occasion. The couple has also chosen the songs from the Secret Garden OST. That was a chance for me to indulge into that dreamy world. Having dream is better than hopelessness. I know I may be an old maid forever but I am happy enough to be invited to the weddings to celebrate such joyous occasions with the couples and also for me to indulge into my small dreamy romantic world to feel like a gentle woman.
Ok, going to sleep now. Hopefully, can get up for a jog in the morning. Then, celebrate the Valentine’s Day in my old maid style. Happy Valentine’s Day to all no matter where you!!
With Love,
Elena
However, I decided to do something yesterday. I met two friends at different times. I met my old friend in the afternoon. She is here in Singapore for an operation again. I was afraid she would fall into depression again and decided to give her a surprise for her birthday celebration in her hotel room as it was her birthday. I love giving surprises!!! Despite feeling down myself, somehow, all I wanted was to cheer her up with a little surprise. I am definitely not a generous or big hearted person as I can be very calculative in some ways. I just did what I felt like doing within me. I was happy searching high and low for a birthday cake which looked nice and seemed taste good and yet affordable since my bank account is running really low due to my unemployment. I know I should not spend money without thinking. But, to me, buying a small birthday cake to cheer an old friend up is more important. I just have to cut down on my food intake. Finally, I bought a heart shaped white cheese cake with some roses on it. It was less than $25. Then, I bought some plastic plates and forks. I happily hopped on a cab and went to the hotel which was nearby but ulu (inaccessible).
I was quite surprised by her response when she saw the cake. The normally introverted friend of mine hugged me with joy. Her smile and joy filled me with joy and I forgot about my down feelings during that moment. Then, we talked and shared what have been happening in our lives. She also confided in me. I am very glad to be of service to her. This service is done out of Love. Without the Spirit of Love within me, I would not have spent the money on the cake and items out of the little money in my bank account. Nothing to boast about because with the little money that I part with, I gain more through her smile. Somehow, her smile warms my cold and hopeless heart within. All the gift to her becomes multiplied through her smile and gratitude. I just want her to be happy and I have managed to brighten up her day. Who gains more?
Then, I went to meet another friend for KTV in the evening. She was feeling down. I was no better. The songs I chose were depressing and sad. I have managed to vent all my pent up feelings within through the songs. Maybe, I have been alone most of the time and I have got no outlet or people to talk or write to. I just bottle them up inside. So, the KTV session helped me to let these feelings go. After the KTV session, my friend confided in me as she was facing some relationship problems. I thank God that I could still be of service to her despite my instability and frustration from my job search. She felt much better after I have helped her to look at things from other angles. I gain again from spending my time with her, listening to her and advising her. When I saw her expression of relief, I felt happy for her.
For the whole day yesterday, I was happy to be of service to my friends who are feeling either lonely or trapped. I know how it is like to be lonely like my friend who has gone for operation and staying in the hotel since I am feeling very lonely in my lonely path now and how frustrating and hopeless to get trapped like my other friend who is trapped in the relationship issues since I am stuck in my career now. At least, after my time spent with them, they are happier. That is all I ask for. I do not need any praise or thank you from them since I have already gained from the relief and smiles from them after that. At least, each time I see the smile on a friend after time spent with him/her, there is one less unhappy person in the world, there is one less person feeling trapped in the world, there is one less person feeling lonely in the world. I am not the best person in the world. I may not be perfect. I may be still stuck in my situation. All I can do is to try to reach out to others with the very little I have so that the very little I have multiplies through sharing with others and they will multiply what they have received by sharing with more people and so on.
It is Valentine’s Day today. How are you celebrating this special day with your valentine? Any surprises for your valentine? This special day is an excuse to be away from your busy schedule or work to be with that special one. It does not have to be expensive. Your presence to each other is already a gift to each other. Personally, I appreciate quality time spent together, even more than diamond. Diamond can be bought but time is something which cannot be bought or reversed. Nothing is greater than spending quality time silently and intimately with a lover who is willing to spend his precious time with you instead of doing something else or meeting someone else. Time is priceless. Valentine’s Day does not have to be commercialized. It is about spending quality time in your own romantic world where both of you indulge in the sea of Love. You know he loves you by spending his time with you as he has chosen to stay by your side instead of being elsewhere in the world. He is there to go through thick and thin with you and protect you. Here, I would like to dedicate this song Reason from the Secret Garden OST album to all married couples and lovers. You may click on this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUJftoxegQE for the translation though there are spelling errors. I like the lyrics as it tells what love should be briefly.
How do I celebrate my Valentine’s Day? I intend to go for a movie alone celebrating it in my old maid way. Also happy to see how other couples indulge into their dreamy romantic worlds. Nothing wrong to be left on the shelf as some people are just not meant for marriage. Yes, lonely but won’t die. Such things cannot be forced and I also won’t go for any matchmaking sessions just to get married or go desperate to marry any Tom, Dick or Harry. Let nature takes its course and let God’s will be done. I just have to get used to this lonely path while reaching out to others or cheer others up, especially the lonely or less fortunate ones. I have just attended a church wedding on last Saturday. Really happy to worship God in church and sang the songs to praise God for such joyous occasion. The couple has also chosen the songs from the Secret Garden OST. That was a chance for me to indulge into that dreamy world. Having dream is better than hopelessness. I know I may be an old maid forever but I am happy enough to be invited to the weddings to celebrate such joyous occasions with the couples and also for me to indulge into my small dreamy romantic world to feel like a gentle woman.
Ok, going to sleep now. Hopefully, can get up for a jog in the morning. Then, celebrate the Valentine’s Day in my old maid style. Happy Valentine’s Day to all no matter where you!!
With Love,
Elena
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Building Trust In God Through Waiting With The Very Little That I Have
Hurray! I am going for the Safari Run with two friends in the morning today. We have not really prepared ourselves for the run since we have been busy with our own activities. See how it goes. It seems more like a sightseeing for us in the zoo. Good for me to take a break away from the noisy places of people to be with the animals. I think I need that alot. Recently, my temper has been getting very bad since my job search has been difficult and I get pissed off by friends. Getting more stressed out with my bank account going low. Pretty stuck now. I am alone most of the time with my books and the two kids at home.
I have visited my friend and her mum who are Protestants. My friend is also looking for a job. Like me, she also gets upset with some interviewers who put her down with harsh tone. I do admit that some interviewers do deliberately provoke interviewees to see how they respond to nasty attitude or stress as the job may require the person hired to handle some nasty people or stress. But, some of them simply put people down or even insult people. My friend’s mum asked me to be more patient. I told her my bank account is going very low and I have nothing to fall back on. She assured me that God will provide our daily bread. I really do not know how much longer I have to wait. She told me there is no point in getting a job which is not suitable for me in a rush as it does not help me in my career path if I keep on changing jobs just because I get any jobs for survival and yet these jobs are just not for me. From my conversation with her, God has reminded me to be patient and assures me that He will provide all my needs. It is just my free will that I choose to trust in Him or not. I have been praying for a job and yet there seems to be no answer. Maybe, my friend’s mum is right. It is not according to my time but God’s. All I have to do is to wait.
Waiting seems to be the issue that is prominent in my life now. We have decided that my niece will be removing one of her kidneys this year. Money is an issue as the operation may cost around $10K exclusive of subsequent specialist checkups and special diet. My sister has to give the green light to the operation on the upcoming checkup at the end of this month. We think that the operation should be pretty soon. Nobody knows what will happen. We are just waiting. More details of the operation and the expenses will be given after we have confirmed with the specialist to go ahead with the operation. As for now, we are just waiting. Nobody knows what will happen along the way. All we can do is to pray. Then, we will see whose medisave to tap on other than my sister’s and her hubby’s. One of my parent’s medisave will be tapped on. So, basically, we are financially very tight also with the fluctuation and unpredictable case of my grandfather who suddenly ends up in the hospital from time to time, tapping on my dad’s medisave. At the rate we go, it would not be long before my parents’ medisave would be wiped out. By the time they need the medisave, my brother and I would be in deep shit since we do not have much cash or medisave if they were to be sick. I really do not know how God is going to provide for us. We could only trust that we do our best to help whoever is in need and God will provide for our needs when the time comes that we are sick or needy. I guess I can only trust God without any rationalization. It is definitely stretching my faith to trust God based on the very little resources or money that we have.
Waiting can trigger the anxiety in us due to the uncertainty and fear. In my case, be it a job search or my niece’s operation, it is all about waiting. I can only do my best to do whatever I can and leave the rest to God. Sometimes, I get even more frustrated by some friends. Sometimes, some care seems to be self centered and I rather not have such care to irritate me further. What do I mean by self centered care? By caring for me, some of them are showing they are different from my other nasty friends. It is about proving themselves that they are good. Their care is not due to their sincere love for me but for self glorification and satisfaction of self inflated ego. Some of them may not be even aware of it. Some care for me because they are repaying my kindness. They feel that they owe me favours. Their pride pushes them to repay such kindness to me. Imagine if I have not helped them. Do you think they will care for me out of love? I am pretty sure that the answer is a ‘No’. Nowadays, I no longer believe in true love or friendships. I have seen too much hypocrisy, politics even among friends. Some even start pointing fingers at others to protect their egos even if they are in the wrong. I choose to keep quiet.
Waiting to me is tough with situations getting desperate. I am thinking whether I should get back into the vicious cycle of just getting any job even if it is going to torture me physically, mentally, emotionally or even spiritually since I am forcing myself to fit into the job, leaving my true self. Nowadays, jobs are different from the ones in the past. In the past, employees did not have to work a lot of OTs and the amount of work brought home was not as much. Nowadays, we are expected to spend more and more of our waking hours at work. If we do the jobs which are not meant for us and even go against our values and who we are, we are torturing ourselves daily. We may no longer recognize ourselves and losing our true selves day by day. In the long run, it poses a lot of stress on the mind and body and we become sick. The soul becomes more weary and thirsty. I am not sure if I should continue to wait or just get any job out of desperation. I need money and I have to earn it since I am always against living off on others. I am thinking whether I should take the risk of looking for a job overseas. I have been toying with this idea in my mind for many months. I am still praying about it. If I have to work overseas, I will just move on. The market in Singapore is just too small with the influx of foreign talents vying for jobs. I have lost due to my educational level. How is God going to help me? I really do not know. I have already exhausted all methods to get into the fields that I know I can do well. But, I have not been given the opportunities. Really depressing.
I will continue to do my best for my job search. Then, waiting to see who will reply me. It is all about waiting, waiting and waiting. Sometimes, I find waiting more exhausting than being busy with work. I like being busy since I am a very active person. I am starting to get depressed due to my inertia. Want to sign up for courses but cannot afford to. So, all I can do is to read books or articles online. I really need the strength and perseverance to hang in there while waiting for a new start in my career, relationship, etc. I also hope that if my vocation is marriage, God will bless me with a man of strong faith to lead me closer to God and back to church; A man who can turn my dream of wearing wedding gown marching towards him waiting for me in the church into reality. Such things cannot be forced. It must be a blessing from God. The person whom I love and vice versa is worth waiting for. While I am still single, I will continue to serve wherever I go even if I am called to be single. So far, so good. May be very lonely. But, have to get used to it if I am called to be single as more friends will be leaving me due to their own commitments in their own lives. Most people can promise the stars or the sky but seldom walk the talk.
Have to go to sleep so that I can enjoy my Safari Run this morning. My health seems to be not quite right recently. Hopefully, it is alright. Whenever I am jobless, I always get wedding invitation. My grandaunt’s son is getting married in a Protestant church early in the morning on next Saturday. She has specifically asked my mum to get me to bring her to the church as my grandaunt knows that I am a Christian. So, I am assigned the task of bringing my grandmother and mum to the church early in the morning on next Saturday. My whole morning is gone with the tea ceremony, church service and buffet in that church. Another bomb was dropped on me a few days ago. My friend’s brother is getting married on 25 February. It is a wedding dinner. Why suddenly so many weddings? I am happy for them to find their loved ones with whom they are willing spend the rest of their lives going through thick and thin. It requires a lot of courage for such lifetime commitment without calculating whether the marriage will definitely work. It is really my honour to be invited to be part of their big celebrations though my pocket will be burnt with a big hole. Valentine’s day is coming soon. I think it is an excuse for couples to spend quality quiet time with each other in the midst of the busy schedules and work. Though it may be commercialized, it is not how expensive the celebration is. It is about making the efforts to give little surprises, adding colours to the relationships. Things do not have to be done in grand or expensive ways. Small little gestures mean a lot as it signifies you remember and treasure each other as a gift from God and it is expressed through creative ways on this day. The day itself is nothing special. But, the actions and thoughts using this day as a platform to express that you are unique to each other and nobody else can substitute each other in the romantic relationship. Nothing is worthy more than the presence of each other. I always believe that nothing means more than the presence of my lover in front of me. His presence is already a great present. No amount of gifts can be measured more than his presence. Even gazing at each other in silence can be a luxury as the eyes are the windows to the souls. Life is short. Treasure and soend time together while you can. God bless.
With Love,
Elena
I have visited my friend and her mum who are Protestants. My friend is also looking for a job. Like me, she also gets upset with some interviewers who put her down with harsh tone. I do admit that some interviewers do deliberately provoke interviewees to see how they respond to nasty attitude or stress as the job may require the person hired to handle some nasty people or stress. But, some of them simply put people down or even insult people. My friend’s mum asked me to be more patient. I told her my bank account is going very low and I have nothing to fall back on. She assured me that God will provide our daily bread. I really do not know how much longer I have to wait. She told me there is no point in getting a job which is not suitable for me in a rush as it does not help me in my career path if I keep on changing jobs just because I get any jobs for survival and yet these jobs are just not for me. From my conversation with her, God has reminded me to be patient and assures me that He will provide all my needs. It is just my free will that I choose to trust in Him or not. I have been praying for a job and yet there seems to be no answer. Maybe, my friend’s mum is right. It is not according to my time but God’s. All I have to do is to wait.
Waiting seems to be the issue that is prominent in my life now. We have decided that my niece will be removing one of her kidneys this year. Money is an issue as the operation may cost around $10K exclusive of subsequent specialist checkups and special diet. My sister has to give the green light to the operation on the upcoming checkup at the end of this month. We think that the operation should be pretty soon. Nobody knows what will happen. We are just waiting. More details of the operation and the expenses will be given after we have confirmed with the specialist to go ahead with the operation. As for now, we are just waiting. Nobody knows what will happen along the way. All we can do is to pray. Then, we will see whose medisave to tap on other than my sister’s and her hubby’s. One of my parent’s medisave will be tapped on. So, basically, we are financially very tight also with the fluctuation and unpredictable case of my grandfather who suddenly ends up in the hospital from time to time, tapping on my dad’s medisave. At the rate we go, it would not be long before my parents’ medisave would be wiped out. By the time they need the medisave, my brother and I would be in deep shit since we do not have much cash or medisave if they were to be sick. I really do not know how God is going to provide for us. We could only trust that we do our best to help whoever is in need and God will provide for our needs when the time comes that we are sick or needy. I guess I can only trust God without any rationalization. It is definitely stretching my faith to trust God based on the very little resources or money that we have.
Waiting can trigger the anxiety in us due to the uncertainty and fear. In my case, be it a job search or my niece’s operation, it is all about waiting. I can only do my best to do whatever I can and leave the rest to God. Sometimes, I get even more frustrated by some friends. Sometimes, some care seems to be self centered and I rather not have such care to irritate me further. What do I mean by self centered care? By caring for me, some of them are showing they are different from my other nasty friends. It is about proving themselves that they are good. Their care is not due to their sincere love for me but for self glorification and satisfaction of self inflated ego. Some of them may not be even aware of it. Some care for me because they are repaying my kindness. They feel that they owe me favours. Their pride pushes them to repay such kindness to me. Imagine if I have not helped them. Do you think they will care for me out of love? I am pretty sure that the answer is a ‘No’. Nowadays, I no longer believe in true love or friendships. I have seen too much hypocrisy, politics even among friends. Some even start pointing fingers at others to protect their egos even if they are in the wrong. I choose to keep quiet.
Waiting to me is tough with situations getting desperate. I am thinking whether I should get back into the vicious cycle of just getting any job even if it is going to torture me physically, mentally, emotionally or even spiritually since I am forcing myself to fit into the job, leaving my true self. Nowadays, jobs are different from the ones in the past. In the past, employees did not have to work a lot of OTs and the amount of work brought home was not as much. Nowadays, we are expected to spend more and more of our waking hours at work. If we do the jobs which are not meant for us and even go against our values and who we are, we are torturing ourselves daily. We may no longer recognize ourselves and losing our true selves day by day. In the long run, it poses a lot of stress on the mind and body and we become sick. The soul becomes more weary and thirsty. I am not sure if I should continue to wait or just get any job out of desperation. I need money and I have to earn it since I am always against living off on others. I am thinking whether I should take the risk of looking for a job overseas. I have been toying with this idea in my mind for many months. I am still praying about it. If I have to work overseas, I will just move on. The market in Singapore is just too small with the influx of foreign talents vying for jobs. I have lost due to my educational level. How is God going to help me? I really do not know. I have already exhausted all methods to get into the fields that I know I can do well. But, I have not been given the opportunities. Really depressing.
I will continue to do my best for my job search. Then, waiting to see who will reply me. It is all about waiting, waiting and waiting. Sometimes, I find waiting more exhausting than being busy with work. I like being busy since I am a very active person. I am starting to get depressed due to my inertia. Want to sign up for courses but cannot afford to. So, all I can do is to read books or articles online. I really need the strength and perseverance to hang in there while waiting for a new start in my career, relationship, etc. I also hope that if my vocation is marriage, God will bless me with a man of strong faith to lead me closer to God and back to church; A man who can turn my dream of wearing wedding gown marching towards him waiting for me in the church into reality. Such things cannot be forced. It must be a blessing from God. The person whom I love and vice versa is worth waiting for. While I am still single, I will continue to serve wherever I go even if I am called to be single. So far, so good. May be very lonely. But, have to get used to it if I am called to be single as more friends will be leaving me due to their own commitments in their own lives. Most people can promise the stars or the sky but seldom walk the talk.
Have to go to sleep so that I can enjoy my Safari Run this morning. My health seems to be not quite right recently. Hopefully, it is alright. Whenever I am jobless, I always get wedding invitation. My grandaunt’s son is getting married in a Protestant church early in the morning on next Saturday. She has specifically asked my mum to get me to bring her to the church as my grandaunt knows that I am a Christian. So, I am assigned the task of bringing my grandmother and mum to the church early in the morning on next Saturday. My whole morning is gone with the tea ceremony, church service and buffet in that church. Another bomb was dropped on me a few days ago. My friend’s brother is getting married on 25 February. It is a wedding dinner. Why suddenly so many weddings? I am happy for them to find their loved ones with whom they are willing spend the rest of their lives going through thick and thin. It requires a lot of courage for such lifetime commitment without calculating whether the marriage will definitely work. It is really my honour to be invited to be part of their big celebrations though my pocket will be burnt with a big hole. Valentine’s day is coming soon. I think it is an excuse for couples to spend quality quiet time with each other in the midst of the busy schedules and work. Though it may be commercialized, it is not how expensive the celebration is. It is about making the efforts to give little surprises, adding colours to the relationships. Things do not have to be done in grand or expensive ways. Small little gestures mean a lot as it signifies you remember and treasure each other as a gift from God and it is expressed through creative ways on this day. The day itself is nothing special. But, the actions and thoughts using this day as a platform to express that you are unique to each other and nobody else can substitute each other in the romantic relationship. Nothing is worthy more than the presence of each other. I always believe that nothing means more than the presence of my lover in front of me. His presence is already a great present. No amount of gifts can be measured more than his presence. Even gazing at each other in silence can be a luxury as the eyes are the windows to the souls. Life is short. Treasure and soend time together while you can. God bless.
With Love,
Elena
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)