Let go and let God

After an escape into the Singapore Art Fair, time to sit down in the café with my laptop putting my thoughts from my busy racing mind to words through my blog. Nice ambience here with the Christmas music playing in the background. I really need this quiet time to myself. When you see me writing blog posts, that means my mind is too packed and I need an outlet to express. It is fine for me with no readers visiting my blog. It is not intended to publicize myself but for me to write them to God. I tend to have problems telling people my thoughts even at work as my mind is racing too fast for my mouth to articulate those words. The words become disjointed and I may seem not knowing what I want to say to my frustration even when I know very clearly what I want to say most of the time. So, I stammer at times.

The week has been crazy and emotionally draining.  Quite upset to see what has been happening to the people around me. I am aware that they have done their best.  I hope they will not blame themselves if things do not turn out to be positive.  I really appreciate what they have done. I am also not sure how I am going to survive with $0 savings and pay for outstanding bills if I were to go suddenly. I guess there are people who need to stay on more than me. I cannot be so self centered as to just to consider about my own survival. I just have to trust that God will provide if I were asked to go suddenly.  It really stretches my faith further just to trust with no logic of how. It is time to practise let go and let God.

I am very grateful for the various people who share their problems and lives with me. Because of that, I learn a lot from their experiences. I have to keep most things that they have shared confidential most of the time. That is the part when I learn to keep my mouth shut and lift all that they have shared to God. Somehow, when looking at my life, I can’t help it but feel that I am leading a religious life. I don’t get much family support throughout my life. I have been getting blessings from individuals outside my family. It’s akin to religious sisters getting support from the community. I am also not married like them. No matter which organizations I work in, I am always called to move on.

Throughout my career, I have learnt a lot about letting go and letting God. So far, it works. I am just an administrative staff and yet over the years, many unusual situations force me to step beyond my role. I had to take over the managerial role when my managers left the organizations less than my 3 months into my jobs. If not, I got insulted with the creative ideas that I had come up with only to be stolen by my bosses to use them and get credit. There was a period of time when I was handling the department alone with the 10^th anniversary activities and gala dinner at the same time for five months only to be deprived of bonus which even the laziest employee got. She gave me a false appraisal just because I went against her on one occasion to fight for the vendors’ rights due to her unreasonable demand. I did not regret my action as I thought everyone was earning a living and why we should make life so difficult for these poor drivers who were rushing around. For certain organizations, I had to set certain administrative systems in place to prepare them for higher level and my successors enjoyed the fruits of my work. Some of my successors even did less than what I did in the same positions. I also got to see for myself how ruthless people can be in the corporate world right from my first job.  

I guess all these work experiences have taught me to let go and let God. If I were to keep calculating why my fruits were always enjoyed by the others and who I do not get the benefits and pay I deserve, I would have landed in IMH long time ago. I would have given up my faith long time ago as it is ‘unfair’ to me.  Rather than blaming other people and circumstances, I will seek to change my mentality though tough at times. Of course, I will see how much nonsense I should take before people keep abusing me. I am a child of God.  Being low in position, does not mean that I should be treated like shit. I am also open about my poverty and low education. I do not think that just because I am born into a poor family without much exposure to higher education will mean that I am less worthy as a person. In the office, I will respect people even if they are cleaners. I cannot imagine myself as a cleaner as I am a cleanliness freak. I can’t even sweep a floor well with more dirt lying around in the end. Therefore, I respect people who take up the jobs, whether forced by circumstances or not. We cannot deny that they play a part in the organization. Imagine without them, how the toilets will look like, how much virus and dust your carpets and furniture will collect. I always believe that everyone’s contribution keeps the organizations going and growing and yes, even from the cleaners.

Very funny thing that I realize is somehow I do not know why some of my bosses or leaders, even the nasty ones, will confide in me. Even when I was in school, I would engage with some teachers in some intellectual talks about their lives. Maybe, I question a lot. I remember vividly about this particular boss who pushed all the blame on me in front of my big boss, made my whole year there a hell and went all out to get rid of me. On my last day of work, we talked and she confided in me on certain issues she was facing. I gave her some advice and asked her to take care. On my last day there, my supervisor asked me on my view of my team and the direction. I just shared my thoughts with her. True enough. It happened exactly what I had shared with her. This is one part in my career which I am still not sure why. Nevertheless, it helps me to understand these people of higher levels better.   My life is richer through their sharing. In church, I used to share my thoughts and ideas with a leader as he/she would run out of ideas at times for his/her weekly blog post entry. He/She has good command of English which I do not have.  He/She would write my ideas with his/her powerful language in his/her blog. The comments from the readers were positive.  I know nobody will ever know the ideas were from me and he/she merely edit them. To me, as long as people benefit from them, it does not matter whether I get the credit for it or not. Anyway, God is the Originator of those ideas. It is only right to share them with His children through my sharing with the leader and his/her command of language in his/her blog.I was told that this leader did listen to my advice of carrying out certain tasks in a different way which the people deemed with more love. That is my reward to see people benefiting from it though people will see that leader as the good person while I am still in the dark.

How do I see my constant moving on from organization to organization, place to place, church to church? When reflecting on my life so far, that seems to be a norm, be it in school or career or church, The only consistency in my life is inconsistency. Once certain tasks I am called to do are completed or people whom I have helped move on in better states, I am ‘forced’ to move on. I remember I went for an interview for my current job. I had problems explaining to my boss why I kept moving on. I was very blessed that she believed in what I said and gave me a chance to work with her. Most employers thought that I was unstable and kept leaving my jobs after one to two years. The issue is I was forced to move on due to reasons outside my control such as organization restructuring. No matter how nasty my bosses can be, I will always do my jobs well and hand over properly before I leave the organizations. I value professionalism the most at work. It’s an insult to me when bosses asked me not to deliberately leave mess behind and produce sloppy jobs. Hello, I am still paid to do my jobs till the last day of my work. There is a transaction of organization paying me for my service. I am not a kid to leave mess behind.

During this period of time, I am stressed out. I am not sure of my income, prospects, future, etc. I have to keep it to myself and learn to let go and let God since everyone else is stressful and in low morale. I know I will be in debts once I am asked to go immediately. I have got nothing to fall back on. Anyway, this is not my first time facing such issues. Where there is will, there is a way. When looking at the big picture, some people need to stay on more than me. Meanwhile, I will just step up and do what is needed to help. I know it is stupid that I still step up not knowing my destiny. But, I guess this is not the time to be calculative. Personally, if all of us were to be calculative in the teams, be it in church, family or workplace, things will get increasingly difficult even for ourselves in the long run. If the head of the family, church or department is not doing well, all of us will not do well. It is alluded to our own body. If my toe is infected though a very small part of the whole body, the whole body will suffer in pain.  To me, if I know what I want which the current place cannot offer and I want to be calculative about working strictly within my job scope, I will move on. No point causing myself misery and drag the whole group into deep shit. I know with my position, I cannot do much to change the situation. I am trying to make people feel better with little things such as joking around, buying things for them, listening to them, spending time with them, reminding them of certain things when they are too tied up, etc.

What do I do for myself? I have no budget to travel this year even though I really need to have a short getaway. I will stay in Singapore and look for affordable activities. I don’t really have friends nowadays and keep to myself most of my time. I will just spend time with family at times. I still need my ‘me’ time for mind clearing and reflection. Just met a person who saw the Singapore Art Fair bag on the desk while I was writing this blog post. Interestingly, we covered topics like agape love, art and life. I feel very easy sharing with people on topics without much commitment in relationships or friendships. Hope that I can travel around the world and exchange views on various topics with strangers. I do miss my days in New York where I got to know some friends. That was the only time when I was myself roaming around freely.  Now, my situation is reminding me to let go and let God, depending totally on faith without much logic of how. Just pray for receptivity and sensitivity to the Holy Spirit to guide me. I recently listened to a CD lent to me by my friend. I will end my blog entry here with the message that strikes me the most. Faith is not a collection of stories. Faith should come before the miracles. I guess that means not live by sight but by faith through letting go and letting God. 

With Love,

Elena

Are Relationships Formed Out Of Love Or Merely Transactions?

I am supposed to be out enjoying my usual ‘me’ time. But, I was forced to go home early due to health issues.  Hope to rest well to prepare for my work on Monday.  So, here I am, writing from my bed for reflection since I cannot sleep. Maybe, that is God’s way of ‘forcing’ me to sit down and have some quite time. If not, I will be wandering outside like a bird without legs.

Everyone is a book. It’s up to each individual if he/she decides to be an open or closed book. Some even locked it with keys which can only be opened by loved ones. I guess I am an open book since I am open about my life through writing. My reason of writing is not about getting approval or gaining number of ‘likes’. I am not out to impress. I love through sharing my life. God is my Author. I hope people whom God directs to my blog entries will realize something about certain aspects of their lives or even learn from my mistakes. Trust me. You will not want to live with certain regrets which I am still living with though the other party had never blamed me till her death and I have forgiven myself. It’s still a regret nevertheless. No amount of counselling or time passed can eradicate that regret.

To some of my friends, I may be mean to cut off ties. The issue lies with I keep quiet about things most of the time about certain friends or people in my life until I think that I have given enough chance. They have not done anything drastically wrong to me. It’s just that I have had enough of being treated as a tool.  I am an outgoing person in a way that I can strike up conversations with strangers if I want to. If any topics interest me, I can talk on and on for hours, especially intellectual topics. I am not implying that I am smart or intellectual. Intellectual topics do stimulate thoughts in me. I am definitely not good with small talks, not even in events during office hours and I find them meaningless. That is why you will not see me getting involved with small talks in any ways.  If I ask a person, ‘How are you?’, that is my way of showing concern. That is not my line for striking up small talks.

I find the world increasingly more difficult to live in. I feel that all of us are more encouraged to live the desired images that people expect us to be than being who we really are.  I have been thinking of deleting my Facebook account as I find it increasingly meaningless and yet I still keep it for keeping myself informed of what is happening around. Connecting with friends on Facebook is not my priority. I have unfriended some people not because I want to break my contacts with them or I hate them. It’s just that I am not interested in spamming people’s Facebook pages with my posts. They are only interested on the people who have some desired traits such as beauty, intelligence, high status, etc. through their obvious Facebook behavior.  It becomes like an idol worship. Since they have target audience in mind, why should I continue with such meaningless Facebook connection? Who keep these people in my list to show that I have many friends when I don’t even feel their sincere friendships at all?

Usually, I have an accurate instinct about people but I keep quiet about things most of the time. Not 100% accurate but at least 90%. Some of my ex-colleagues were shocked by how accurate I had predicted certain people’s characters and future behavior way even before those people revealed them finally.  I remember one incident when I was in Sec 5 where my Science teacher talked to me about who and who were trying to bully me or take advantage of me. All I replied to her every sentence was, ‘I know it.’ She rebuked since I knew it, why I still allowed those people to bully me. I just shrugged and kept quiet. I was thinking to myself that it did not hurt me and cost me a part of my flesh to help out. Since I was free, I just helped out. Anyway, I was free and I might learn something out of helping out. I really meant it when I answered my Science teacher who meant well that I knew what those people were up to. It’s just that I did not bother to expose them. That was how I was first exposed to the merciless corporate world right in school. I got to see how some people could mingle with you well only to backstab you. How people fought to get what they wanted. I saw how my deceased teacher suffered from the mockery of most teachers and students. Some maligned her for not doing certain things behind her and yet pretended to be full of respect for her in front of her and even during her funeral in front of the others. My friends all thought I worshipped her as my idol. Most teachers and students spread rumours about me and her and even accused me of currying favour her. Some even accused me of stalking her as a lesbian. I didn’t care a damn thing since I was there to help her out whenever she needed help as I saw with my own eyes how students passed by her without helping her when her things dropped on the floor. I did not defend her as defending her would only invite more rumours and troubles to her in school. I kept my mouth shut though I wanted to speak up for her many times. I thought people like her deserve help. Though down with chronic illness, she still did her best to teach in school till her death. There was one Saturday when that silly woman still struggled to school to give tuition just for a few students during her flare up of her illness and only to get me to help her out of school which I had failed due to some reasons after her tuition. How could I just leave such a dedicated teacher who contributed much to education in lurch?

Personally, I looked up to her as a mother as I was having complex family situation where my parents were absent during that period of time. If not for her, I will not be here today. Not afraid to admit, I continued to stay in Normal Stream because I wanted to be there for her and help her. I ever saw her looking into blank space looking very down. I ever happened to see her in pain which she suffered daily.  I thought things through after my Sec 2 form tutor came to me during the release of mid-year exam results that he had recommended me to the principal that I could get into Express Stream.  I considered that option carefully. I rather stay back in Normal Stream to spend more time with my then sickly teacher whom I saw as a mother. I knew she would not live long. I was aware of facing the consequences of being despised by others in the future for coming from a Normal Stream. I even overheard about some students talking among themselves that I was a failure in my studies. To me, life is much more than academic studies. If you ask me to choose again, I will still pick the same option. I know I have never judged my then sickly teacher wrongly. She taught me values and protected me from being abused by some teachers in school. She led me to the right path. She taught me how to be a responsible person. She taught me to help the less fortunate which I was awarded with top Singa Award later on in 1994. She offered me a box of cake when my family and I were starving. She borrowed calculator for me when I couldn’t afford one in school. She couldn’t do more for me as there were regulations set by the Ministry we had to follow. After my Secondary education, she took care of my education and even my well-being till her death as my life was very challenging at that time. My life changed for the better because of her.  She took care of my daily expense, education and medical bills. She would check on my condition from time to time as I was sick at that time. She would make sure that I chose the subjects according to my ability with the help of her husband who was a lecturer from a well-known college. While helping me, she would make sure I would not be overly dependent on her. I think she knew she would not live long> I was well aware of that when I held her hand during one part of mass when everyone of us had to hold one another’s hands as a big Catholic family. I could feel her brittle bones which seemed hollow within. I held her hand abit tighter and I would have broken her bones.

When I was out in the corporate world with merciless job environment for my first job, I was well prepared with what I had learnt from the corporate world in school. Some ex-colleagues were shocked by how I seemed to know much about corporate world at my young age during my first few years of work. Some people do not respect administrative staff. They think we are failures in school with no choice but to be forced to be an administrative staff. Some colleagues think that I am overly sensitive. I would not think so. Daily behavior tells it all but I choose to keep quiet. They don’t mean to send that message to me but their body language sends that message subtly without knowing. But, it still hurt. For instance, I refused to play strategic game for teambuilding activity. Not that I am picky and trying to be difficult. But, I was very unhappy and insulted after the game. When I told them the clue, nobody listened to me but insisted on getting a hint from the organizer. In the end, the organizer said exactly the same thing as what I had mentioned. Another example is when I sometimes asked people to get certain things cleared as instructed by my boss, they gave me an attitude that I had nothing to do and they had much more important things to do than to clear the stupid items.  I felt stupid as I also couldn’t care about whether they cleared the items but I was under my boss’ instructions to make such stupid request since it was my responsibility to do so and I understood where my boss came from. Another instance is during normal conversation, one even told me I did not travel to that country and would not know how safe that country was. How did he know I had never travelled there? It was precisely I used to travel there quite often that I knew how dangerous it is to stay there. But, I just kept silent since he sounded very confident that I did not know that place. I wonder how he gathered that I had never traveled there without asking me at all. That was the assumption he made. Does it tell that he was sending me a message that I was ignorant in his mind?

I am not referring to any particular organization. It is the general attitude people have towards us as administrative staff. I had people coming to me telling me they treated administrative staff like shit. I also had people giving me career advice of not trying for some positions, implying that it was beyond me or too late for me to try those positions. However, when I emerged top in one course, the career advice was totally different, asking me to aim high. I wonder what rubbish they were trying to tell me or they were suffering from multiple personalities. One boss thought I was too sensitive. I just kept quiet and simply told her I would not think so. Certain things do not have to be thrashed to your face to get the message that they think you are stupid. Daily behavior would tell it all. Actions speak louder than words.  Anyway, organizations treat us differently. You can see if the organizations treasure the staff or not through the benefits. It’s not about being calculative or not. It’s factual. Look at the networking functions, courses and seminars the people holding positions of executives and above attend. Look at the exposure they have, especially from overseas trips. Then, some of them think that I am stupid and do not seem to have high level of thinking or exposure. Hello, look at what you are all exposed to and what I am exposed to. I can only know the world outside by going through mostly syndicated articles. Am I really stupid or no opportunities to exposure? Look at simple things like they can work from home. For me, even if I injure myself, I still have to struggle to work and people asked me why I don’t work from home. I just told them because of my position.  They can work from home according to their convenience. It’s the same everywhere even if I leave my current organization. That shows people of my positions are not of values to the organizations and easily replaced in general.

I am disappointed by friendships again and again. I seldom tell those people why I leave them. They think I am petty. I don’t want to explain at all since they don’t even bother to understand me. Imagine you have a friend telling you she does not like anyone prettier than her and keeps mocking about your big eyes or your thin frame first thing every morning. Imagine another friend asks you not to dream of marrying a rich man because you are ugly. Imagine a friend uses you as a tool to gain the attention of a guy she likes or tries very hard to get you to praise her. Imagine a friend tells you you have a man’s figure just because someone commented she had a man’s figure in that morning. If not, she will criticize your every feature at times. Imagine women hurt or attack you just because you get the attention of a man whom they like or worship even after you had stayed far away from him. All these things happen not just for a month but for years. How would you feel? Are they even considered as friendships? In the end, these people turned to me and told me I was heartless by just breaking friendships like that. They have totally forgotten how I had gone through thick and thin with them and took care not to hurt their feelings by not criticizing their sensitive areas. When they needed a shoulder to cry on, I was there. When they were sick, I was there. When they needed advice on their jobs, I was there. If I expected them to be perfect, I could have left them when they had problems. Of course, I have my own flaws and may have offended them at times. I am no saint. But, I never mean it. At least, I don’t remember telling them what they had criticized me. Anyway, nowadays, I find networking superficial and lack of sincerity. most networking is just transactions. Who will network with people of low positions like us? On a business level, people will only network with people who hold certain positions and have the potential to help them some time in the future. Most friendships are with conditions attached. It goes you are my friend only if…..They are just transactions most of the time.

I also have people who bless me along the way. They have come and left my life. I can confidently say that I have never let anyone down by at least doing my best for them except for my deceased teacher who is the sickly teacher I am referring to above.  My apology did not reach her before her death. I have a strong pride. Even when I cared for her, I did not care directly. I just saw her in my church to make sure she was fine quietly.  I had always wanted to have a meal with her. Such simple thing was so difficult for me as I could not open my mouth to ask. She even asked me one day if I was going to have my dinner after mass at church. That was my opportunity to have a meal with her and yet I did not open my mouth. As a result, I suffered from the consequence of not having a meal with her at all for the rest of my life. She also did show signs of wanting to reconcile with me during the two years of us not talking to each other at all. She entrusted me to her husband as my mentor to be there for me when I needed help or money. I refused to talk to her thinking that it would be best to leave her alone to enjoy her remaining years with her daughter as I had hurt her badly earlier on.  I stubbornly heeded her husband’s advice to leave her alone with her daughter and ignored her despite her gesture of reconciliation also because I wanted her to give up on a student like me. By ignoring her, I thought she would forget about me and that stopped her from getting worried and stressed by me since I was just one of the thousands of students she had taught for more than two decades in her teaching career. One week before her death, my instinct of her dying which bugged me for one year to almost depression pushed me to talk to her husband and get his help to pass her my apology note. He was shocked that I did not talk to my teacher for two years. I confronted him that he asked me to leave her alone. Obviously, he had forgotten what he said.  He asked me to write her an apology note and he would pass it to her. Before I wrote my apology note to her, her news of death devastated me. This apology could never reach her. Her husband knew I could not handle it. I flunked my A Level exams as I was given the wrong advice by my school counselling teacher to force myself to view her cremation when I was still in shock. I almost fainted on the spot. Years after her death upon my graduation from Polytechnic, her husband talked to me. She had pinned high hopes on me. She had never given up on me no matter how I had wronged her. She even left me some legacy for my education which both her husband and she had initially lied to me that her husband was lending me the money just like how he had been lending his students money since she knew me too well that I would never accept any money from her if I had known that it was her money due to my pride. Whatever I had spent during my A level and Polytechnic years, I did not have to return a single cent. I remember back in my Secondary school days, my principal ever told me my deceased teacher wanted to make me happy but she did not know how to. It’s such a joke played on me that I realized she treated me like her daughter years after her death. Am I a moron?

Whenever I advised any youths in my church in the past or any friends, I would always ask them to express their love to their loved ones while they could, to apologize if they should. I don’t want anyone to live with regrets like me.  Once a person is gone is gone. I know my Catholic faith teaches me that I can still reunite with her in the future if my days are up. But, I am still a human with feelings to face the harsh reality that I can never see her, can never hear her scolding me, can never apologize to her, can never see her in church, can never hold her hands during ‘Our Father’ prayers to tell her I am always there for her, can never have her protection whenever I get bullied, can never say ‘thank you’ to her, can never have meals with her, can never see her smile, etc. Nobody understood why I was so affected by her death. My pain got deeper when some friends told me she was not my mother but just a teacher and why I was so affected by her death. Grief is not measured by blood relation. It’s about the loss of the loved one whom you hold dearly in your heart. It’s a part of you which is torn away with the death of your loved one who used to be part of your life. The closer you are to each other, the more painful it is, the bigger part of you is gone. I guess that is the meaning of love hurt, just like how Jesus was severely hurt and even died for our sins out of Love. When I mention love, it comes in many forms like friendships, brotherly love, love between a mother and a daughter, etc. It is not just confined to romantic love. Besides, if you can grieve only when that person is blood related to you, isn’t it silly to grieve over the loss of your spouse since you are not even blood related to begin with?

Everyone is unique. There is no one who can replace anyone. Everyone is a priceless masterpiece of God. I guess people who are closely bonded to their loved ones can tell you that. Things are pretty unpredictable. I have people who suddenly leave my life. I have suddenly lost friends to suicide. Life has taught me never take people or things for granted. Familiarity breeds contempt. Sometimes, I take things for granted that the person is always there.

As for people whom I have left, I will always ask myself if I have done my best towards them. If I have and I still keep getting hurt by them, it is time for me to move on and they can grow with the others in their lives for them to be more complete in Love. Even in the bible, there is mention of there is time for everything, every season. I am not heartless. Every friendship I let go, I feel pain. But, I know when the time is up, letting go is essential for both sides.  Honestly speaking, I know that when my days are up, I won’t have friends to attend my funeral. Many people find me heartless. I don’t have many friends to begin with. Many people find me weird. Even a professional thinking style test done in my church previously showed that my thinking style differed from general population. The coach realized that I had issues coping with my difference as most people in church would be against people who were different from them. Most people would slap you with labels. I have been getting that throughout my life. I even had problems following Singapore educational system which my coach had predicted correctly. Many people misunderstood me for being rebellious which I did not mean to due to my very different thinking style and personality indicated by many professional tests. One test even suggested people with my personality suffer chronic loneliness as most people cannot understand and accept our weird thinking processes. It seems fancy when some priests told me people like me could bring changes to churches. But, in reality, how many people are receptive to changes?  People will just slap me with names and throw me out of groups. I am a nobody everywhere I go. I have slowly come to terms with such harsh reality. Nobody will know if I am gone. To me, I have accepted it. I come into the world quietly without knowing these people and I leave quietly.

I will continue to do my best in life and leave the rest to God. I will continue to share my knowledge and my life if the people are receptive and are willing to listen. I don’t believe in keeping knowledge or experiences to myself. Love multiplies when shared. I respect people’s privacy. Even when I share people’s stories, I take care not to reveal any names or details that lead these recipients to guess who they are. I will continue to live life to the fullest until I am called home. I will still continue exploring the world alone as a wandering bird without legs. C’est la vie!

With Love, 

Elena