A Rare Gem- Sincerity

Diamond is often a much sought after gem by many women for it is known for its beauty and being the hardest natural material known which the various advertisers have cleverly marketed it as a symbol of ever-lasting love between the two lovers. To me, diamond is just a stone. Beautiful but it does not have any impact on me. To me, the rare gem I look for in any relationships and friendships is known as Sincerity. During my 32 years of life, I am very blessed to have found such rare gem in a few people in my life with some much pretence and masks and politics around me no matter where I go. That is why I see these very few loved ones and friends in my life as rare jewellery which I can never buy with money. They have also taught me how to be a sincere person along the way.


I am a very task-oriented person, especially at my workplace or in school. I will make sure that I produce work with high qualty. Because of such perfectionsitic streak in me, I often suffocate people who worked with me in the projects where the deadlines were very tight. I often failed to be sensitive to their feelings and hurt them in the process. It was so bad that I even treated my friends as projects. Whenever they were in troubles, I would always be there to help them. However, I would disappear from their lives when they were moving on fine and appear when they were in troubles again. I did that for many years until my close friends sat down and talked to me many years ago. I was very shocked when one of my close friends told me she did not need a counselor who would only be there when she needed help but would disappear when she was fine. She needed a friend to share not just her sorrows but also her joy. The other close guy friend of mine complained that he did not want to be one of my projects and he often did not feel appreciated. He even told me off that presents from me would not buy our friendship. All he wanted from me was I would be sincere in my friendship by being true to my feelings and true to him in my friendship with him. Even my deceased mummy whom I love dearly complained that I should care for her directly if I really cared for her. She did not want me to care for her quietly at a distance. All these complaints from my loved ones woke me up. What I lack in all those examples was being true and sincere which I found from them. I simply treated them as projects without knowing which hurt them inside.

Perhaps, I have been in the corporate world for too long where I am constantly in battlefield with poiltics around. I was even exposed to such politics in school during my schooldays. What I find more sick is I even see it in church. Most of us have to wear masks with hidden agendas. I am pretty sick of such matters. I am very tired of it. I will never want to be involved with such politics which I find meaningless and silly. To me, even if I gain power, what is the point of being lonely up there? I often look at those people who are playing politics in church with some leaders and priests getting involved. I really pity them. Perhaps, for these priests, they only have that small world for them to gain power and enjoy having pets following them and feel secure as they can no longer and may not be capable of gaining power in the corporate world. As for the followers and leaders who fight against one another, they know that they do not have the capability to gain power outside church which is why they choose to fight against people who are just as broken as or more broken than them who are all depending on God. I have teachers during schooldays or colleagues at workplace and brothers and sisters in the church telling me if I know about the politics that people play and how they have badmouthed me or abused me or even bullied me. My answer is always, 'Yes, I know.' What goes on in my head is, 'Even if I know, is there a need to play along? Why do I have to waste so much energy and time on such politics, especially in church where I do not have pay increment or promotion even if I win? What glory is there in winning in church where I only beat the broken people? It does not make me any holier by being closer to any priests or Archbishop or even the Pope. By playing politics to get closer to them while badmouthing or preventing others from getting help from them, I show my ugly side and deprive others who really need help from them of getting any help. Even if I show others I know who the people are with hidden agendas and play politics, does that mean that I am smarter than the others?' So far, all I have been doing is just to sit down and observe with amusement. I am only concerned with people who really need help. Instead of wasting my energy and time on playing politics which may drain me very fast, I rather spend my energy and time on helping those people who need help.

I am definitely not a holy person. Instead, I am a rebellious, impulsive and much distracted person who drift around alot and yet am very blessed with my loved ones and friends who are sincere and true to me in our friendships and relationships and are always there for me no matter how long or far I have drifted away. I seldom express my appreciation to them as I am very bad with expression of feelings as I live in my head most of the time. My temper is always very bad when it comes to sorting out my feelings as I find them hard to understand and rationalize. But, I treasure these loved ones and friends as my precious jewellery deeply within me. They are very special to me. Each of them has a space in my heart even if some of them have left me. I feel very honoured whenever they share about their deeper selves to me, about how they feel about themsleves, about their secrets, joys and sorrows. I do feel burdened at times because I get worried for them, I do feel for them though I may advise them at a rational level. But, that is what makes us human beings with Love. It also reminds me that I have feelings since I live in my head most of the time. Their sincere sharing binds us stronger in friendships and relationships between them and me. I appreciate their honesty in pointing out my mistakes and correcting me in private when necessary though I may get offended and frustrated during those moments. But, I know they do it out of my own good. It is better than nobody bothers to correct me at all. I have also learnt from their honest and true confession of what I have done to hurt them. I felt very touched when my close guy friend told me he felt very hurt and angry when I told him off in front of everyone. He asked me not to do that in public and he told me I could tell him off in private. He was willing to take my nonsense out of the tantrums that I threw as long as I kept that between him and me. I deeply appreciated that. At least, he was honest with me and our relationship improved and we became closer. He transformed part of my life with his sincere love and led me out to the light in terms of romantic relationship.

I have never believed in relationships or friendships where there is no direct communication with each other at all. It is no doubt romantic to have someone who walks with and cares for you quietly, even at a distance at times. But, what kind of relationship is there if the two people in the relationship do not have the guts and humility to have direct communication and care for each other at all? Since I always seek improvement in all things and relationships and friendships, for such relationships without direct contact, I will simply give up and move on as such relationships will lead to nowhere but to more misunderstandings especially with people with hidden agendas around us to cause chaos or biases or gossips. Just imagine if your spouse loves you but keeps to himself and walks quietly with you without any action or words of concern at all, will you be sure that he loves you? An another example would be if your boyfriend cares for you alot but chooses to pray quietly for you without any actions or words of concern or quality time spent together at all, will you ever know that he cares and can the relationship be ever stronger or maintain at all? Nowadays, the modern technology allows us to communicate with one another through facebook, MSN, emails, skype, SMS, etc.. It is good in a way that no matter how far we are from one another physically, we can still connect with one another. But, it can also be a hindrance from true human communication as we cannot communicate face-to-face and feel that person's presence. Can you touch or hug or kiss him through the gadgets? Can you feel directly the person's touch and warm feelings from him? Sometimes, those communication channels through such gadgets will cause a lot of misunderstanding as we do not get to see the facial expression of the other parties, body languages, tones and pitch of voice, and the written words sent are up to the parties to interpret which may not be what I have meant at first, etc. I have seen friends having conflicts because of messages sent online and some have even broken their friendships due to such miscommunication.

All Saints' Day is tomorrow. Basically, I do not have to read about the saints to learn from them about living in Christ way. I have a few people in my life who have touched me deep within. They are the living saints to me. All of them have this rare gem of sincerity deep within them even if many people may disagree with what they do or say at times. These people, just like the saints, know that they do not live to please people but to love God and people. They even sacrifrice themselves if needed. My deceased mummy is one of these saints in my life. Though many teachers and students mocked at her and verbally abused her, she did not fail to go back to school to teach even when she had relapse at times. She was still a dedicated teacher who sincerely wanted to impart her knowledge and taught the students even till her death. She still loved despite the mockery and abuse from the others. She had made a lot of efforts to teach me how to love people with sincerity when she was still around. I am seldom close to priests and often deal with them at a professional level where they are just authorities appointed by God to minister to us and I respect them because they are my elders, except for a few of them whom I have true respect for them for I see this rare gem of sincerity in them. One of them is Fr JJ from IHM. He treats everyone with kindness and true smile. I really respect him for his honesty about his own past mistakes during my confession to him at times so as to make me understand certain issues. To me, it takes a lot of humility for a priest to confess his past mistake to a parishioner so that she can learn from his mistake. The other priest is Fr Albert Renckens. I followed him for two years to learn introductory Philosophy from him when he was still around. One thing I admire about him was his honesty with his views towards certain issues though it might not go according to certain laws. I would always felt welcome with his sincere greeting and smile. I can still remember vividly how he had held my hand with a big smile as a father, talking to Fr Paul Goh about me attending his lessons. His grip was very fatherly as if God was holding me with Love. He had never failed to explain his lessons clearly and as simply as possible to make sure everyone understood them. He never looked down on anyone at all though some of them were very slow. The other priest is Fr Paul Goh. I knew him from OLPS. I always go to him for major sins and I can always be true to him with my flaws. He never judges me and always welcome me to go to him for help. Instead of judging me, he teaches me how to make my flaws work for the good of the others. If my sins are serious, he does not fail to correct me. But, he will never judge or ostracize me. This is the face of Christ I see in him and it gives me the confidence to go for confession no matter how bad my past experience was with some priests during my confession. The last priest whom I see this rare gem is Fr Aloysius. He is the only young priest whom I respect alot so far. I read his blog. He is very honest with his feelings and thoughts. He does not write which should be politically correct. He is true to himself and people. That was why I chose him as my spiritual director as I think it takes a lot of courage and humility to be true to one's feelings and thoughts. Even when I went to him for spiritual direction, he would be very frank with his communication with me. I see sincerity in all these priests whom I respect deeply as they do not select people to help. They may have their own flaws or close friends from the parishes and yet they do not select people to mingle with or serve. They show the same care and dedication to everyone and have taught me to be sincere and true to my feelings, thoughts and myself. I also have a few close friends who have gone through thick and thin with me for many years. I thank them for caring for me from their hearts and correct me when necessary. It should take a lot of courage for them to correct me as I am known for my impatience and bad temper. All these people are saints in my life with such rare gem of sincerity in them which I can hardly find in the world today. Their sincerity has melted my hardened heart and wilfulness bit by bit over the years for me to be more and more complete.

This gives me the hope and strength to continue to brave through storms in life as I experience God's Love through such sincere people. I should also learn from them to be more sincere with my feelings and myself with them. I must learn to care for people directly, especially my loved ones. I should also learn to have more face-to-face communication with them uinstead of writing to them. If not, I can never bring our relationships to higher levels. Jesus is also one good example for me to learn from. When it was time for rebuke, he would rebuke his disciples and the Pharisees and the other characters out of Love. He did not try to please the Sadducees and Pharisees. He was also true with his feelings as he mourned over the death of Lazarus. He did not care from a distance. Rather, he cared for people directly through his face-to-face communication with the people, spending quality time to have meals and share common activities with them, allowing the sick and sinners to touch him or him touching them directlyto heal them, etc. He was always having this gem of sincere love in him by being true as a Son of Man. There was no tint of pretence in him. He did not wear masks to face anyone. Life here is short. Though it is only transitory here before we go to the other side, one of the secrets to live life to the fullest is to use this rare gem of sincerity to love others and God so that the light from this rare gem will radiate from within bringing light of hope to others' lives and Love to tenderize the hearts of others.
 
With Love,
Elena

Reflection on the Gospel Reading of 31 October 2010

31 October 2010


Lk 19:1-10

The gospel reading for this Sunday speaks to me powerfully. How many times have I asked myself why these people who have hurt me and others or who have commited crimes or sinned in any ways deserve such forgiveness from the others and God? Am I guilty of asking God why these sinful people in my eyes deserve to have such grace and mercy from God and others? How about me who have been faithfully spending regular time with God before the Blessed Sacrament, regular confession, daily participation in the mass, serving in ministries, etc. ? In comparison, what have these people have done to be welcome back to God and church again and again? Why do some priests even mingle with such sinners? Why are they still qualified to serve in some ministries?

I think some of us may be guilty of asking such questions from time to time. If that is the case, I would have missed the whole picture of what Christianity is all about. God does not love me for what I have done. He loves me as who I am as a child of God. If I really want to pursue such questions above, I should also ask myself what I have done to deserve the breath of life that I have to begin with. If I ask those questions above, I am sinning. Why is that so? I do not forgive those people and judge them harshly. By the way, who am I to judge them? By judging them myself, I have biases in me. This is dangerous. How many people have caused politics and conflicts out of such judgement and biases? Personally, I do get sick of seeing how some people have been nasty towards others by circulating nasty emails to smear the reputation of the people, how some people have been kicked out of minsitries, how certain leaders have chosen to serve their pets ostracizing the people they dislike, how some people have spread rumours about others without finding out the truth, how some people have tried to win more people to their sides to go against others, etc. Such behaviour comes from these biases and judgement and self righteousness deep with. The spiritual state of this person is no longer Christ-like but distorted and tainted. How many people have fallen victims to all these hurts and abuses?

If God were to be behaving or seeing things that way, I should say that all the people would have been condemned to hell as none of us is perfect. We have our own flaws. We do sin from time to time with our fallen nature. Notice when Zacchaeus was sincere in repenting by saying to the Lord, "Behold, half of my possessions, Lord, I shall give to the poor, and if I have extorted anything from anyone I shall repay it four times over.", Jesus did not judge him or ostracized him at all and could have condemned him and even found his house too dirty for him to enter into as a Son of Man. Instead, 'Jesus said to him, "Today salvation has come to this house because this man too is a descendant of Abraham. For the Son of Man has come to seek and to save what was lost."' This illustrates God's infinite mercy and generiosity out of Love for all of us. If He is so merciful to me, why can't I be generous to extend this mercy to the others? Why must I be so harsh on those people that I have to murder them at different levels with harsh behaviour and words which kill them at different levels, be they spiritual, emotinal, mental or even physical? Am I not a sinner through such harsh and extreme behaviour and words? Never belittle the judgement or biases or self-righteousness that I have deep within as they may turn into expression of harsh and extreme behaviour or words that kills the other parties.


God does not love me based on what I am doing to earn His Love. If God were to see me as holier than the others just because I have been faithfully spending regular time with God before the Blessed Sacrament, regular confession, daily participation in the mass, serving in ministries, etc., what is the point of having Sacrament of Renconciliation? God would have allowed these 'holier' people into heaven and sent the rest to hell. It is just as simple as that. Rather, He loves me as who I am as a child of God. When I am truly transformed and tenderized by God's Love with my sincere confession and true repentant of my sins deep within, I will truly experience God's Love deeply and appreciate other people as creation of God and learn to love them as children of God like me in Christ way. I no longer judge and see myself as holier than them. Rather, I see myself just as capable of sins and broken who need God just like them. Then, I will see them and myself as parts of the body of Christ with Christ as the head and pray for them and help them when called forth instead of ostracizing and abusing them. God is Love and Love is expressed through mercy and forgiveness not just from God to me, but also through me to the others.

With Love,
Elena

Awakening Call from God from My Hoildays at Genting Highland

Have just come back from my holidays at Genting Highland over the weekend. I feel so good and clean after my purification with all the body scrub and facial deep cleansing after my spiritual purification and awakening call from the holidays. My plan to Genting Highland was so last minute that I did not have time to apply for leave on last Friday after clearing all my work at my workplace. Basically, all my plans during the weekend were changed because of this trip. The prompting within me was very strong to go for this trip. Well, I have a fruitful trip with God reminding me and speaking to me about certain issues in my life. It was also my opportunity to get away from the haze here as I have been quite badly hit with poor appetite and insomnia. My whole body system is upset by this haze. My stay at Genting allowed me to have some fresh air though the air there may not be very good with many vehicles passing by. But, as compared to the air quality here, I feel much better there.


It was quite weird that I went from the hazy Singapore to the foggy Genting Highland. On a superficial level, it was silly for me to move from a place with quite low visibility to another place with worse visibility. However, the impact on me was very different. In Singapore, before my trip to Genting, the haze hit my body system which caused me to have poor appetite, sleeping quality with fever, headache and bad cough from the attack on my lungs at times. It affected my whole well being. However, when I was at Genting, I could eat properly with good quality of sleep. My body managed to breathe in fresh air. I thank God for the precious fresh air that I could breathe. I appreciate better the fresh air which may be free and I may have taken for granted most of the time. The haze in Singapore helps me to realize and appreciate at a deeper level the fresh air as a gift from God. So, as long as I live, God is giving me a gift every second through the air that I breathe.

It also comes to my mind about sins. I may think that it is right for me to hit back at another person when he/she attacks me first, it is right for me to be involved with adultery because we enjoy being with each other so much even though we may be married, it is right for me to rob or steal because it is all God’s fault for putting me in a poor family, etc. All these scenarios are similar to the haze in Singapore. Can we claim that the hazy condition in Singapore is the same as the foggy atmosphere at Genting? Can we claim that the air quality in the hazy Singapore is as good as the one at Genting? We know that the answer is ‘No!’ I can always justify that it is romantic to have such hazy condition in Singapore as if we were all staying at Genting. But, deep down in our hearts, we know that the air that we are breathing now has negative impact on our health and we will fall very sick and may even die in the long run. Some people with poor health have been suffering from this hazy condition. This goes the same to our sins. We may justify our sins in whichever reasons or ways that we want. We may ask what is wrong with my sins such as justifying with if the other person has attacked me, why I cannot hit back, why I must be the one losing by giving in and it is my right for me to hit back, if we enjoy being with each other so much and why we cannot continue to enjoy each other, if God has put me in such poverty, I do not see anything wrong with stealing or robbing from someone who is better off than me, etc. Ultimately, deep down, my conscience is pricked whenever I commit such sins. I do not feel at peace. In Genting, I can go out in the open space to enjoy fresh air and it does my body good. In the hazy Singapore, if I jog outdoor as usual despite the bad air quality, I will fall even more sickly. I have to hide myself indoor. Just like the case of hiding indoor from the haze, sins are just like the haze. The guilty parties have to hide these sinful parts of themselves from the others. Can they tell people they always revenge whenever people have offended them? Can they announce their affairs and share with their spouses that they are having affairs outside? Can they confess to the others that the things or money that they are enjoying now come from stealing or robbing others? If they refuse to repent, they will fall more and more sickly at spiritual, emotional, mental and even physiological levels. They always have to hide all these sinful areas of their lives in darkness where the Satan will continue to deceive them with such beautiful lies. Lies, white or beautiful or bad, and even half truth are still not truth. They distort the path God has meant for you to walk. Only by walking in Truth in Christ, will a person be healed with Love and keep on going back to God and walk towards holiness.

God spoke to me through the movies that I watched during my holidays at Genting. It was rather funny that according to superstition, I should not be watching horror movies or show about death as they would bring bad luck to me at the casino. Well, I did lose alot at the casino but I still enjoyed fruits out of God’s message of Love through the movies. One of them was “Child Eye’. I was amazed at the visual effect about the dark world of this female ghost filled with agony of her delivery to a child who was half dog and half human and confusion about how she had died which led her to misunderstand that her spouse had murdered her. She was filled with powerful hatred. She was feeling very lonely and had captured the three young couples who were having their holidays at the hostel where the female ghost and her family had stayed to accompany her in her world. The visual effect had been imprinted in my mind. It was a world of hers in darkness with fire consuming everywhere and the things in her world were made of papers. When she was trying to kill the female protagonist, Rainie, with the intention of destroying her (Rainie’s) relationship with her boyfriend, she touched her stomach and felt another set of heartbeats and realized Rainie was pregnant. Then, the female ghost woke up from her confusion and realized that she had tried to kill her half dog and half human baby and her husband had accidentally killed her and broke his own leg in the midst of stopping her from killing the baby. One main thing hit me was after Rainie had pleaded to her to let her live for the sake of her (Rainie’s) unborn child and the female ghost confessed to Rainie that she really yearned to see her spouse and Rainie advised her that she (the female ghost) had been living in her world of hatred which had stopped her from meeting her spouse in the real world, she cried and was touched and her world with all the things around her were melting away which brought all of them back to reality. This part of the show had the greatest impact on me. I have learnt that if I refuse to forgive the people who have wronged me and continue to hold on to the grudges, just like the female ghost, I will be living in my world of darkness with the anger and hatred of fire consuming me deep within, not allowing myself to love others in the world. I may be distorting all the truth of the situations and the people involved as all my views are distorted or clouded by my biases and hatred and unforgiveness. I can never allow myself to get into the world of others to love them as who they are and forgive them when they have wronged me. Ultimately, I become a soul which am trapped in the world of darkness with uncontrolled fire of hatred and unforgiveness eating me up deep within.

The other show was ‘Departure’. I had watched it in the cinema when it was first shown in Singapore. This show is very powerful. It has never failed to touch me and speak to me. I was watching it again in the coach on my way back to Singapore. During that moment, it was the part of the show where the undertaker was a good friend of the deceased boss of the bathhouse that spoke to me. He was the person who had to close the casket of his deceased close friend and send her off personally and lifted it for her to be cremated. One thing he said struck me. He mentioned that death was not the end but a gate for all of us to enter through to the other world. This suddenly came to my mind about the ‘narrow gate to the heaven’ in the bible. Basically, it just came to my mind that death is the’ narrow gate to the heaven’. How do I explain why some people go to hell or continue to be in purgatory? To clarify, I am not a priest or religious sister to give theological explanation of it. It is just my view that why some souls end up in hell or continue to be in purgatory because they have been blinded by sins to have missed the ‘narrow gate to heaven’. The narrow gate is always there. These sins in them cause them to lock themselves in the state or dimension of darkness or condemnation just like how the female ghost in the ‘Child Eye’ had done to herself. Only through opening oneself to admit one’s sins and for the Love to slowly transform him, then he will be able to be slowly cleared from this darkness and see the ‘narrow gate of heaven’. Only then, his pure state allows him to enjoy the magnificent glory of God in heaven. I imagine a soul full of sins, even if he has managed to enter though the ‘narrow gate of heaven’, his tainted self will not be able to withstand the powerful glory of God and will be tortured as if being pierced or burnt to torture. Such similar illustration can be drawn from how a person is pricked or consumed with guilt after murdering his loved one. Of course, in the case of the sinful soul, the torture to him is beyond any words of description.

It is up to my free will to choose to open myself for God to shine into the dark areas of my life and repent and go through purification in this world through the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Many friends have asked me why we, Catholics, need to confess our sins to the priests. Can’t we confess to God directly? I simply tell them they can choose to confess to God directly. Since God is present in the faces of the priests, wouldn’t it be more comforting and thankful and convinced that I, as a human being with five senses, can see God in the faces of the priests and listen for myself that my sins are forgiven and absolved? We are not confessing our sins to the priests. Rather, we are confessing to God in the faces of the priests so that God can come down to our human level and be present through the physical bodies of the priests and tell us verbally that we are forgiven. It is more powerful and transformative for us to experience God’s mercy through our communication with God in the priests during the Sacrament of Reconciliation through our five senses. How can I not be thankful that God loves me so much that He has come down to my human level in the priests to forgive my sins?

During my reflection at Genting, I suddenly recalled my supervisors and teachers have been telling me just because I am smart, it does not mean I can get away from troubles all the time. Well, I do not think that I am smart though I have got no ideas why they think I am smart and some of my classmates thought I was a distinction student. My educational level is low. But, they are right that I always get my way out of troubles. During school days, my teacher was very surprised and told me if other students got into the troubles which I got into, they would be expelled immediately but I managed to get out of troubles and almost got expelled much later. I guess sometimes, as fallen human beings, we try to test water to see how far we can go without God. We may have this rebellious streak in us from time to time to see if we can do things according to our own will without God. Those are the times when we try to put ourselves above God where the sin of pride leads us to carry out the acts of sin. Look at Eve. She was warned by God not to touch the fruit. She went against the warning and even got Adam to eat it with her. Sometimes, my sins will also get others to sin with me. Whatever I do or say, I must own my responsibility. When things go wrong, I should never blame others immediately as I have a part to play. My sins will affect negatively or hurt the others. If I continue to insist on my way of sins, my way will only lead to way of destruction and darkness where other people and God can no longer reach me as I lock myself inside. I can never blame God and people for being absent from my life when in actual fact, God and the people who care for and love me are always there. It is I who choose to lock myself in the world of darkness and refuse to reach out to receive the love of God and others with a generous heart to slowly melt my dark world for me to live in Light.

I really enjoy my Genting Holidays. Though I am poorer in material terms, I am much wealthier as I have gained much more spiritually with God. God has answered my prayer as I had prayed for a fruitful trip. Well, I am much richer now. Time for me to share such riches with the others so that these riches can multiply through sharing. How about you? What are your riches in life? Care to share them? I don’t mind having some of them from you. Woo hoo...Life is great!! God loves you and I love you too... :)



With Love,

Elena

Reflection on the Gospel reading on the 24 October 2010

Lk 18:9-14
I always find this parable very amusing. I was smiling away while reflecting on this parable as I think I am also capable of behaving like the Pharisee at times, thinking that I am the holy one looking down on the others as sinners and judging them harshly. Worse still, I may even gossip about them or bad mouth them or circulate negative emails about them or even get others to come to my side to go against them. I am laughing at myself that this act is already a sin by itself as I put people down deep within me and segregate myself from the others, leading to division in the community. My act of gossiping, bad-mouthing them, circulating negative emails about them or getting others to come to my side to go against them leads to sin of murder at spiritual, emotional and mental levels or even physical level at times. To be exact, it started from my sin of pride where I bring glory to myself by putting others down and placing myself above others and God. In actual fact, I am the clown by doing that as I am just as sinful as the others. That is why my name is still Elena but not St Elena. I still have to go through purification and transformation here like the others. Sometimes, my failures do good to me by reminding me that I am not God but a fallen human afterall who need others and God in my Christian journey which humbles me.

How many times have I tried to correct the others and seen myself as holier than the others just because I spend regular time with God before the Blessed Sacrament often, meditating on His Word daily, participating the masses as often as I can, going for regular confession, and writing about my experiences with God? If this is the case, it is dangerous. I will become self righteous, bringing glory to myself instead of to God. Rather, whenever I go to God, I should examine myself deeply following the example of the ‘tax collector’ beating ‘his breast and prayed, 'O God, be merciful to me a sinner.'’ so that I will be truly repentant, confessing my sins before God honestly and opening myself for God to transform me.

I have just finished a book on ‘Just as You Are’ by Paul Coutinho, SJ. He mentioned in his book that there are many good people out there but may not have God in their lives, just like the Pharisees who were good, following the laws and teaching others to do so, helping others and playing their roles in life responsibly. However, Christian living is not just about being good. It is about being sincere and true to my being and feelings and lift my true being including all my feelings, secrets, fears, worries, etc. up to God so that God can transform me and I can love myself as a beloved child of God as created by Him. This will allow God to work through my flaws so that His Love penetrates into me and I will be deeply filled with Love. And I respond by loving God for He has first loved me through giving me the breath of life. Only then, I can love others in a Christ way. If I am not true to myself with God, I am lying under the skin of a good holy person and will not be able to love others in a Christ way as my focus is just trying to be good for myself without the element of God’s Love in my life. I really doubt if I will ever be able to live life to the fullest as what God has meant for me without God in me.


With Love,
Elena

No Fruits of Love Are Bad or Defective

I never realize the joy of having children at home until I have my nephew. He will be 2 years old by the end of November this year. Children are definitely one of the miracles in life. I admit I still cannot handle children, especially when I find it very dirty to clean them and change their diapers, find them their shouting and crying unbearable, etc. However, I still find them miracles. Somehow, after my work or during my free time, I will try to set some time aside for my nephew. The hug and smile of my nephew never fail to cheer me up no matter how stressful I may feel outside. I find his hug therapeutic and warm. There is no stain of pretence and filth at all. The hug is so clean and loving and warm. The smile is so radiant and sincere. I guess that is what a hint of holiness is. There is no pretension in it which makes Love so pure and clean beyond description. I thank God for the presence of my nephew in my life. Though I have no children of my own, I do have a taste of a mother by helping out to look after him at times. I really enjoy those moments with him.
I do see every child as a jigsaw puzzle of his parents just like how everyone of us, as a child of God, is created like the image of God. The features, characteristics, personality, genes and other elements of the child are made up of both the parents of the child. For instance, when you look closely at a child, you see the nose and mouth of the child similar to the mother’s while the face shape and eyes may resemble the father’s. Another example would be a child has the talent of singing like his father and a compassionate heart like his mother. That is why they are miracles as they are the fruits out of the Love from the lovemaking of their parents where they have the combinations of features, character traits, genes, etc. from them as the inheritance of Love from the union between his parents.

I am not a mother. I do enjoy asking my friends how it is like to be a pregnant woman with the foetus in her. I am very curious about it. So far, from their sharing, I have never failed to see the joy radiating on their faces from within while describing the experience of their pregnancies. They always share with such joy and love that I can see their beauty as mothers. The foetus in the womb is so part of her that no words can describe the awe of such intimacy or closeness between the mother and the foetus in her. They share the same body and blood and air. It is very amazing when the foetus moves in the womb. It is even more wonderful when the foetus hit the mother’s stomach and the mother can see the mark of the fist of the foetus while he is hitting her stomach at times. This gift is definitely a privilege from God which man can never experience naturally. This experience can also help the mothers to have a taste of how it is like to be part of God. They will be able to understand better how it is really like to be part of God in God just like how a child is part of her within her. She will understand better the kind of love that God has for her as she is part of God.

As mentioned, a child is the fruit out of Love from the lovemaking of his parents. It is all done out of procreation where love multiplies in the form of giving birth to a child. An abstract love between a man and his spouse becomes tangible and concrete. The presence of their child reminds them of the love that the man and his spouse have for each other. It is vital that a person should be right with God so that he will love and appreciate himself as a child of God. Then, he will know how to love his spouse as part of himself in Christ way, followed by loving his children as the fruits out of the love between the man and his spouse. Love comes with responsibility and commitment. If he truly loves his spouse and children, he will never go too far off the tangent as he loves his family with fidelity and cannot bear to hurt them as he will feel the pain since they are all parts of him and together, with him, they are all parts of God. If needed be, he will die to himself when he knows he has done something wrong and truly repents and humbles himself to ask for forgiveness from his children and spouse so that he can be transformed gradually to be more complete in God and love them more and more in Christ way. If not, he will continue with his sinful ways and cause more hurts to them as if they were not parts of him. When a man sees and loves his spouse and children as parts of him from God, he will never judge them harshly. Instead, he will nurture his relationship with them with care and tender love that his spouse and children will grow in Love. As they continue to grow in Love, they are so filled with Love in the family that they share this Love with the others from within. That is how a man expands the Kingdom of God by first loving his family as part of him from God and then his children and his spouse will be so filled with God’s Love through him that they share such Love with the others.

Children can also be the parents’ saint-makers. I used to have one lecturer who was unusually patient and understanding. He drew my attention and I ever asked God to reveal why this lecturer could be so patient and understanding towards others. I did not deliberately find out more about him. I realized it only when I bumped into him at Bedok interchange one day. He was with his family. Then, I realized that his daughter was mentally disabled. I think that explained why his patience and understanding towards others drew my attention as he had to look after his daughter with extra care and patience for the rest of his life. He did not terminate her life through abortion but chose to have the courage and love allowing her to come into the world. This helps him to grow into someone who is very patient and understanding towards others and become light to the others. Another example was I went for the mass in this morning. There was this family who sat right in front of me. I could not help it but diverted my attention to this family. (Sorry! I should be focusing on the mass but I really could not help it.) There was a mentally disabled child in this family. The parents had to try to keep her still and quiet for the mass as she did not know what she was doing and did make noise and fidget throughout the mass. I saw how patient and loving her parents were. They kept her still by hugging her with love and patience. They did not raise their voices at her at all. During the exchange of peace, the girl smiled widely to her father and he kissed her with tender love. I was very touched deep within and nearly moved to tears. Her parents were like saints to me where they love her beyond her disability with such patience and love. The mass which I participated in was truly a rich and deep one from God through this family though my focus was not on the altar.

This comes to my mind that some people have chosen to deprive their children of their lives through abortion when they were diagnosed with certain diseases and disorders, such as Down Syndrome, even before birth. My question is: who am I to decide to take away the lives of the foetuses even if they are in me? I am just a steward for all the things and people in my life but not an owner. God is the owner. I am not God and I should not play God. I am just here to be an instrument for God to share His Love with the others. My children are not mine. I do not do anything to deserve them. They are God’s gifts to me. They are here to help me to develop and grow such as patience, generosity, forgiveness, etc. which may be lacking or underdeveloped in me so that I can be a more complete person walking towards holiness. Yes, I do not deny that the children who are disabled or sick in any forms will suffer. If I am their parent, I will also have to walk this tough journey with them for the rest of my life. It is never easy. I may even think what I have done to deserve such suffering and pain. But, what have I done to even deserve to have a child at all? All children are blessings from God. The fruits that we eat may be rotten or some of these fruits may be bad. However, no fruits of Love are bad out of the lovemaking between a man and his spouse. When I look deeper into the issues, these disabled or sickly children are not defective. They are just different. They are the catalysts for me to shine through suffering with them to be witnesses of Christ to the others. When I have these children, I may invite stares and gossips and mockery. No matter what, this will help me to die to my pride and allow the Love in me to protect and love my children who are parts of me even deeper. If I love them, I will protect them. My focus will be on Love and no longer on self. Children, whether disabled, sickly or healthy, will bond the couple even at a deeper level if both of them come together in Love to love their children as parts of them, just like how God has always loved all of us as we are like the images of Him. I have known a visually handicapped friend who had managed to attain grade 8 for her piano and Masters for Mathematics. I have also known a friend who has been sick since young and yet she has spent her time at home to do some handicrafts to sell them for charity. Recently, a news article featured a person without any hands could play piano well. If their parents chose to abort them upon discovery that they were not going to be born healthy and normal, would they ever have opportunities to shine as an inspiration for all of us? In fact, I thank them for their presence in this world that they have shown us though they are different from us, God has His creative ways of using them in giving us hope and strength to continue to live and love. I also admire and thank their parents for having such great courage and love to bring them into the world and nurture them with great care and patience which exemplifies God’s great Love for us as sinners who are handicapped or disabled in some ways spiritually. What seems to be impossible is all possible with God through the examples of these people who may be disabled in any ways and the people who have taken great care of them with such noble love.

Having my own children will also help me to realize how tough and how much it takes to be a parent to the others. I will learn to be more appreciative and understanding towards my own parents and be more thankful towards them. Some parents may not know how to be good parents though they may have done their best to love us. The way they love us may not be the way we want. But, it does not mean they do not love us. No matter how bad they seem to be to us, I can never deny the fact that they have given me my life. I come from them. If I do not learn to love them properly with the right state, I am not going to love myself as I am part of them. If I cannot love myself in the right way, how can I love others in the right way? Forgiveness must be done in ‘seventy seven’ times. If not, I will only bring this hatred into my own family and continue to abuse my spouse and children just like how my parents have abused me as I am bonded by hatred with the pictures of these unhappiness repeating in my mind. If I do not learn to forgive my spouse and children for the wrong they have done, I will hold on to the grudges and replay these unhappy and bitter scenes in my family. Only by forgiving ad letting go, will I allow God to transform and heal me deep within for me to lead new life with my family. My children will look up to me as an example by seeing how I love the people in my life.

Children will remind me to be childlike in faith. They trust their parents completely without any doubts. Adults are complex because there is so much doubt in them with certain perceptions and values conditioned in them with a lot of suppression through their experiences and upbringing. Young children are true with their feelings. The younger they are, the more sincere and true they are as they are still not tainted with the worldly issues and values. When I am true to God about my thoughts and feelings just like the children, I open up my true self for God to work in me with this childlike faith that God knows me the best. Easier said than done. That is why I need to make conscious efforts on spending regular time with God so that His tender Love can continue to heal me. I must give thanks to God for whatever I have, even my own life as this will help me to be more aware of God’s Love for me through these gifts and my faith will increase slowly. This will in turn give me the confidence and trust to surrender more and more of myself to God for God to continue to transform me to be more complete and I can also love people more and more in Christ way.

To conclude, no fruits of Love out of lovemaking between a man and his spouse are bad. All the children are here as gifts for their parents to go through transformation for their love to expand and be purified. They are also here as God’s light for us to learn how to have childlike faith. These children touch us deep within with their true and sincere smile and hugs and words from their hearts, painting the world with the beauty of their innocence. Treasure the time with your children, especially the years of their development. Once you miss it, you miss it forever as time can never be reversed to grow with them again. They may be pain in the neck at times but this pain can never be greater than Love. This pain is bitter sweet as it is part of your love for them. If given a choice, I really pray to go through such rich loving experience of being a mother though it entails a lot of uncertainties, worries, fears, burdens and pain for the rest of my life as I believe it is a gift for me to experience Love conquers all.

With Love,

Elena

Reflection on the Gospel Reading on the 17 October 2010

Lk 12:8-12


This parable on this day helps me to look deeper into my faith. I admit that I have my doubts about my faith. Yes, in my mind, I know that God loves me and He will never fail to take care of me. However, my insecurity tends to throw me into doubts from time to time. The parable emphasizes on the point of ‘Pay attention to what the dishonest judge says. Will not God then secure the rights of his chosen ones who call out to him day and night?’ Will I even seek Him when things do happen or insist on my own way or seek other ways from others which may not be God’s way? When I choose to seek God out of my own will, do I have doubts if God really hears me or answers my prayers? Do I worry that things will not go my way when God’s way is the best? When I seek Him, I should have the trust and faith that He will do what is the best for me even if it is not my way as I am His child. I realize that I may have the tendency to pray and still hang on to the issues that I have prayed for and refuse to surrender for God to take control instead. So, does that call ‘faith’ at all when I still want to take control of it? I must really learn to surrender to God and have the faith that He will take care of everything. This parable is God’s voice to me to have my faith in Him that He will take care of everything as long as I learn to let go and let God.

How about you? ‘But when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?

With Love,
Elena

Reflection on the Gospel Reading on the 12 October 2010

Lk 11:37-41

‘Did not the maker of the outside also make the inside?’ strikes me in the gospel today. In the modern world that I am living in, packages and appearances have been much emphasized on. Look at the advertisements where slimming packages, fashion, plastic surgery, etc. are aggressively promoted or pushed to the consumers. Even a news article which I came across a few weeks ago reported that people with attractive appearances have higher chance of getting employed. I am wondering to myself that that will be the end of me as I don’t have such attractive appearance to fight for jobs against the others in the market. I get worried.


However, as I have been spending regular time with God, meditating on His Word, my worries are reduced gradually though I don’t deny that I still feel quite insecure as a person. The gospel reading today, especially, ‘Did not the maker of the outside also make the inside?’ strikes me again. I should set my focus right. Yes, appearance is important as my body is the temple for the Spirit and I have to take care of it since it is a gift from God to me to experience love with the others. But, what is inside is more important. My inner state will be affect how I behave, approach people and things and how I express my words. If I am very wounded, hurt, filled with agony, jealousy, sadness, I am not going to be a light to the others. These inner negativities will be expressed outwardly through my behaviour, words and approach to the others and issues in my life. I will hurt people, sometimes, without even knowing or being intentional.

Therefore, it is important to spend more time with God and His Word. When I am close to God, I will be more aware of Him and open myself for Him to heal me inside slowly so that the Holy Spirit out of the love between God and me will work freely within me and guide me in my daily living and love others in a more Christ way. This will also help me to improve my well being as a person and my quality of life will be improving with the help of God. The world may ‘subconsciously’ set certain rules such as appearance and individualism is more important, creeping and finding their ways into my mind and sitting there. But, my regular time spent with God will keep on reminding me that my mission here is not for myself as mentioned in ‘But as to what is within, give alms, and behold, everything will be clean for you.’ I am here as a child of God to share God’s Love with the others so that I am truly rich deep within and my love is not self centered but more and more Christ centered where it is purer. When I am rich deep within, nothing will affect me too much when these external things such as money, status, people, etc. are taken away from me for my foundation is set on God’s Love and no longer on the external things in the world which are unstable and may be taken away at anytime and will perish with time. Of course, from time to time, I may be distracted by the worldly matters which is why I have to spend time with God daily to draw myself back to Him again and again. Only by sharing the riches in me from God’s Love with the others, then the Kingdom of God will expand and taste of heaven is savoured here with the others from the fruits of love shared with the others which are all parts of mystery of Love.

With Love,
Elena

Even death can’t doth us apart- The Holy Matrimony

I am very blessed to have been a bridesmaid or ‘sister’ to my loved ones and friends as the brides since primary 4. I would always feel very honoured to be part of their wedding. I also can’t remember how many times I have been a bridesmaid or ‘sister’ to the brides. Till now, I have been privileged to be invited to weddings with the most recent one on the last Saturday. I am always filled with joy to see two people coming together and commit themselves through the vow of marriage. It is done based their own will. It requires a big step and courage from the both of them to want to live life together for the rest of their lives with a lot of uncertainties and challenges ahead. Sometimes, I think this risk is even greater than the one in the casino. What they are risking with are the rest of their lives. Whenever I see couples getting married, I always wonder when I will be the one or if I will ever be the one as it must be blessed by God. It is a gift from God. I always find marriage one of the greatest miracles in life. Out of so many billions and billions of people in the world, only some of these people come into my life. And, out of these many people who come into my life, some become my friends. And, out of these friends, only one becomes my spouse. Don’t you think your spouse is God sent gift to you?

I always think that it is very dangerous to marry someone based on external qualities alone such as wealth, looks, status, some positive traits, etc. Why do I say they are dangerous to be the basis for marrying a person? That is because all these traits or qualities will fade with time as they never last. For instance, a person may lose her beauty with age or get disfigured in an accident or by illness, a person may become bankrupt one day or a person may show certain negative traits after living with him and you may think that the person has cheated you with his positive traits when you may be too blinded by his certain positive traits and have failed look at him as a whole. When all these traits or qualities are gone, the marriage will collapse with nothing as the strong foundation. But, of course, God may draw the two people together through these traits initially that the two people come together. But, this admiration and liking have to slowly change into love where the two people reveal themselves honestly to each other and slowly nurture this love towards union through marriage and continue to grow in Love for the rest of their lives together. What is the strong foundation for marriage? It is God’s Love. If the two persons in the marriage set their focus right on God and attempt to pray together, the Holy Spirit will guide the couple in their marriage. Only God knows what is in us the best for we are created by Him. God’s Love can never change. When marriage is built based on God’s Love, no storms can be greater than this Love. It gives the couple the confidence to face issues or the storms together. Praying together can help the couple to set focus right within marriage and walk on the same path towards holiness as guided by the Holy Spirit while the strength from the Love can carry the couple through the storms and temptations in fidelity.

It is even worse when a person thinks that he can change his spouse to be the person he wants after marrying her. In such case, if the spouse does not change according to the image he wants, there is a high chance of filing for divorce. He does not marry the person as who she is in this case. He simply falls in love with the imagined perfect image in his mind and wants to impose his will on his spouse to be this imagined perfect image. He does not love the person as who she is. The two persons’ duties in the marriage are to grow and love each other as two unique masterpieces coming together as one in God where they are respected and loved for who they are as individuals and yet called to be living as one in God. It becomes very detrimental when one claims that he knows his spouse completely and judges her harshly. My question is he is not God. How can he claim that he knows his spouse completely? Things and people in this world change from time to time. How can he be sure that she will never change? She may have some hidden traits or talents to be realized or brought out. It is always a great gift to discover his spouse gradually with open mind and heart without being biases or presumptions. He will never know how capable or how far she can have breakthroughs in her life. A loving spouse will encourage and give the love she needs to step out of her comfort zone to grow and appreciate her being created by God. For example, I have a friend who had never cooked and was very introverted who kept to herself before she got married. However, after getting married, with the encourage and support and love from her spouse, I am very surprised by her drastic change of being able to cook for her spouse daily and she even has the courage to stand before a big crowd on the stage, going to different parts of Malaysia for her evangelization with her spouse. Imagine if her spouse were to be judgemental towards her for being such a spoilt brat who did not know how to cook and being introverted and timid, do you think that she will ever go beyond her comfort zone to serve God with her hidden or untapped potential and talents? Before even entering into marriage with this person, ask yourself if you can accept him as who he is if he does not change according to what you want. If you can’t imagine having a future with him as he is now, it is advisable not to get married. You may not love and accept him as who he is.

Communication is very essential in any relationships, especially in marriage. Without communication, the two parties in the relationship will speculate alot with a lot of presumptions which lead to misunderstandings and conflicts in the end. If these conflicts and misunderstandings continue to accumulate, it will lead to broken relationships and divorce with scars and wounds left in the both parties deep within. It is always destructive to abuse each other verbally or physically when both parties are hot in their heads. Never belittle the harsh words used during fights as both parties may not mean what they say but they still say them out out of winning the fights at times or emotions have got the better of them. After the fights, the injuries have been inflicted on the other party. It is always wise for both parties to cool down before discussing the issues or conflicts. If one party is not ready, there is no point in forcing the message across to her as she is not receptive or ready to listen to you. It will only cause more frustration and anger in her. After both parties have calmed down, the issues have to be discussed. If hidden or avoided deliberately, sooner or later, such similar issues may arise again as they still exist between them even though they may even pretend they do not exist. If certain issues are too complex or too much to be handled, it is advisable to get third party in such the family counsellors as they are trained in such areas. A person may also get advice from friends or older people who are married for advice but have to be very careful in selecting people for advice as they may give you the wrong advice or some of them may have ill intentions or not in the right state to give sound advice.

For a marriage to work, the two persons must die to themselves bit by bit to live as one in God. It is easy to meet someone once in awhile and be happy but it takes alot to live together under the same roof daily as each person is different with different way of living and habits and characters. Sometimes, conflicts will definitely rise up. This is where they have to forgive ‘seventy seven times’. It requires them to die to their pride and admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. It requires a lot of patience and love and generous hearts for the two persons to forgive what they have done wrong to each other, especially sins that have been habitual. Sometimes, he may have problems with certain sins that he tries so hard to break and change. That is when he may need help from professionals or priests, depending on the nature of the sins. He will seek help if he loves himself and his spouse enough that he is willing to put down his ego and humbles himself to grow out of the sins so as to love his spouse even in a more Christ way. His spouse’s support and love to encourage him and go through the process of help from professionals or priests with him will help him to carry his crosses much easier as he is not doing it alone but with his spouse and this will help the couple to stand even more united in Love. The marriage will go up to the next level towards holiness. Dying to self also means that there is a lot of give and take in daily living together. I have a friend who shared with me it even boils down to the matters of bedroom where adjustment of details has to be done by both parties. What is the point if a party insists of wanting his way, his needs and wants satisfied without considering his partner’s? A taste of heaven can only be experienced when the two persons are willing to sacrifice parts of themselves when called forth because of love for each other as part of God’s Love where they place God top on the list followed by the goodness of the others.

Why do I title the blog entry as ‘Even death can’t doth us apart’? A person may think that after the death of his spouse, she is gone. She is torn away from him. She is away from him and he can never see her again on earth. True to certain extent. She may not be physically around anymore for him to experience her love expressed through her actions and spoken words by her physical body through his five senses as a human in flesh. But, it is not true to the large extent as her spirit of love is part of him. He can never deny that she had loved him when she was still around physically. And, this fact that she had expressed her love to him through her actions and words become the spirit of love deep within him as part of God’s Love. His spouse is just an instrument of God’s Love to him. The love from his spouse is part of God’s Love to let him have a taste of heaven. In fact, after her death, she is even closer to him as her spirit of love dwells deep within him. And, the beauty of it is he can still unite with her through the prayers for the dead during every Eucharistic celebration and spend time with her on All Souls’ Day yearly by celebrating her being as God’s gift to him. He knows he will be united with her one day when his mission on earth is completed and the Lord calls him home to unite with her. Meanwhile, God will take care of her. He may miss her from time to time but he can never deny that they are connected so strongly that even death can’t doth them apart with her spirit of love being part of him. He will appreciate her presence in his life at a higher spiritual level.

It is always a choice whether the two persons want to work together and share lives as one in God. It is never easy as mentioned in the marriage vow. The covenant of Holy Matrimony is only proclaimed within minutes during the wedding mass but takes a lifetime to walk the talk. Marriage is not just the two persons’ affairs alone. The families of both parties are involved as the families are also merged as one big family. The parents of each other become their own parents and they must love each other’s parents with love and patience. Sometimes, conflicts will arise between his spouse and parents. His spouse must learn to give and take and love her in-laws as her own parents. If not careful, the two persons may end up in divorce. This is also part of fulfilling the vow of marriage of going through thick and thin with Love no matter what, even in sickness or suffering. If the two persons insist of going their own ways, it will lead to no way. How can two persons walk the same path as one by leading self centered lives where the love of self is above everyone else and God? There is no room for God to work in the marriage, not to mention about any room for the spouse in him.

I always love church wedding as this marriage is blessed by God in the person of a priest in Love. I always love the part of the wedding mass where the bride is marching down the aisle of the church toward the groom to be united with him. Why do I love it so much? I love the virtue of waiting. Time can never be bought. Once it is lost, it is lost and can never be reversed. When the groom waits for his bride to march towards him slowly, it shows that his love for her is so deep that he is willing to sacrifice his time to wait for her to unite with her. Also, it is always beautiful to have one’s chastity for his spouse as a gift to her. It may sound conservative and old-fashioned. This chastity is his love left specially for his spouse where he can truly taste the heaven on earth with his spouse during their consummation in wanting to bear fruits of love between them. It is not a tool to satisfy the instant gratification but as a gift that is the best to be enjoyed with the beloved one in his life. Imagine if he has been sleeping around loosely with many women, then what is left for his spouse on this very special night as a gift from God? This chastity of both parties is kept to be expression of love for each other to taste the heaven through consummation to bear fruits out of this love. It is connection as one not just at a physical level but also at emotional, mental and spiritual levels. It is one of the miracles of Love that the two persons can enjoy at the highest level which no words can describe such awe. So, the virtue of waiting is what I treasure the most in life. It is also all about waiting to see how the two parties discover and explore and appreciate each other deeper and deeper as time passes by. I always find it a great blessing when a person can hold hands with his spouse right into old age and tells her he loves her as not everyone has the luxury to grow old together as one person may pass on before the other or they choose to divorce. It is never mushy to express love once in awhile through gifts or words of affection to the other half as all of us are human beings who need such ‘hugs’ from time to time so that this love will keep each other strong to face the challenges outside and stay strong and colourful in the marriage with each other. Being there for each other serves as a pillar for each other no matter how tough times may be out there as the two persons know they always have each other waiting at home for comfort and love. This love and security of presence for each other will strengthen each other with deep meaning to face any challenges in life.

Marriage is very beautiful. It is a gift from God for a person to experience God‘s love through intimate union with another person who is his spouse. Whether the marriage is heaven or hell, it is up to the two persons to work things out together in Love through lifetime commitment with a lot of patience, acceptance, forgiveness and love and dying of self. It is very beautiful to fall in love with each other again and again in the mystery of Love.

With Love,

Elena

Reflection on the gospel reading on 10 October 2010

Lk 17:11-19
The gospel reading today prompts me to reflect on my response to Jesus. Every Sunday mass is not just for me to fulfil my obligation. It is my time set aside to spend time with Jesus and thank Jesus for being in me, for going through my daily living with and in me no matter what happens and I am never alone. It does not matter what my worldly identity is, be it Chinese, tall, poor, layperson or religious sister, sick or healthy, etc. My identity is a child of God through the baptism. What saves me is not going to be my worldly identity on earth. It is my faith as a child of God. This is depicted in the gospel reading today where the Samaritan who was a foreigner was the only person who went back to Jesus with the nine other locals who did not do so and Jesus told him, ‘Stand up and go; your faith has saved you."

I may feel that I am not worthy of God’s love for me. I may feel when compared to the others, I may feel I am not smart enough, not rich enough, not pretty enough, etc. But, God is not looking for such qualities for us to be close to Him. If not, Jesus would not have bothered to heal the lepers who were shunned by the people. Rather, He is looking at the heart; a heart that goes back to Him and thank Him for the Love that He has given us. The basis of all is faith. The fact that the Samaritan went back to Jesus showed that he had certain level of confidence which came from his faith that Jesus would be there. He had the heart to go back to Jesus not forgetting what he had done for him. He trusted that Jesus was there.

How about me? Do I give thanks to Jesus and spend time with him at least during every Sunday mass? Or do I rather spend the time sleeping at home or going out with friends or for other entertainment than spending just that one hour on every Sunday with him taking for granted what he has done for me and the life that I have? One thing I have learnt is that when I learn to give thanks to God for what He has done for me and at least for the breath that He has been giving me for me to live each day, I learn to appreciate my life and see my life as a gift. I no longer see it as I have done something great to deserve what I have. I learn to humble and remind myself that there is Someone higher than me and just like the others, I need Him in my life and for my life. My life is given to me out of His Love for me to draw closer to Him and His people for as long as I live so that I will have time to be repentant and be healed and transformed by Him deep within so that I may enter the narrow gates into heaven after my time in this world is up. God loves me always and all I have to do is to respond to this Love by loving him back.

With Love,
Elena

Taking up the responsibility of the usage of modern communication tools

I was greatly saddened by a news which I came across online a few days ago. A violinist who was 18 years old was literally pushed to doom by the posting of a video of his sexual act with the other guy by another boy. He could not take the blow and jumped off from a building. He could have a bright future but he killed himself by such irresponsible act of the others. Nowadays, due to the modern communication tools like emails, blogs, Facebook, MSN, Twitter, Youtube, etc., news do spread like wild fire to most parts of the world even within minutes. Unfortunately, sometimes the news which would cause scandals, damage to the other people’s reputation, dignity and even life and intrusion of privacy also spread fast too. This form of destruction can be more lethal than nuclear bomb where the victim’s emotional, spiritual, mental damage can be more serious than expected. In the case of this violinist, it pushed him to physical death after being destroyed emotionally, mentally or even spiritually.

Sometimes, I think that some of us may have taken these communication tools for granted. They can be easily accessible to us. That can be detrimental as we may start hitting on the keyboards or mouse to post certain inappropriate materials or expressed words before seriously considering if these materials or words would hurt or kill the people concerned emotionally, physically, mentally or even spiritually. We may just abuse our free will and post materials or words which we may think are juicy gossips to be shared without considering the consequences. We may also use harsh words to kill or attack our enemies or people who have offended us and even email them to the others so as to gain others to our sides. For me, I admit I may be guilty of being harsh in my emails to some people who have offended me at times.

However, I have learnt from this article that some materials or words which I think may be juicy stories to share with others or attack some people may be the very lethal weapons which kill the people involved if I am not careful. I have also learnt from my own experience that some of my emails have caused hurt to the few very people whom I love dearly. These hurts may be caused by me through my emails unintentionally. But it does not mean that I can be excused from the damage done. One thing I have learnt is that I must never write any emails with anger or ill intention. If the emails or messages are not going to lift up or encourage others or share God’s Love, I should keep my hands away from the keyboards. I used to write letters that hurt my deceased beloved one. I did not know how much damage I had done to her until her spouse mentioned to me the damage I had done to her. What’s done cannot be undone. In some ways, I am guilty of violating one of the commandments. I had murdered my loved ones with some of my harsh emails or letters mentally, emotionally or spiritually. Never underestimate the power of destruction of nasty emails or letters or messages online to the others. They may tear someone down or break relationships or start wars or fights.

On a corporate level, some of us may use these communication tools to cause divisions, wars or politics. We may slander or accuse someone whom we would like to get rid of from certain groups or organizations or gain personal power through emails, Facebook, blogs or some other channels. Sometimes, we may be guilty of using some materials or emails which may be distorted by some people and used against the owners. I find that very scary as I don’t know how many people have been killed or hurt or fallen into victim for such acts. I used to be victim of such acts. The damage was very great which no words could describe. It killed me inside and took me more than one year to be resurrected by God’s Love. One dangerous thing I learnt is that if a person happens to be vulnerable and just need one matter as a trigger for him/her to die, one nasty email or posting of inappropriate material or message can push him/her to kill himself/herself. I really urge everyone of us to be very careful with our words or posting of materials or messages online as we will never know when we may be the murderers to kill someone. Sometimes, certain news may be distorted along the communication path. For example, an email may mention a person is sick. Somehow, as the email is forwarded or passed from one party to another, the news is distorted and becomes the person is dead. Another example may be a person is working hard for the benefits of the organization. But, emails may circulate from one person to another and the message may become the person works hard with the hidden agenda of taking over his boss’ position. All these news become distorted and hurt the people involved. They may cause divisions or distress or anger in the people involved. They may cause chaos or fights in the community.

The modern communication tools can be very efficient and effective tools to draw people from different parts of the world together through the sharing of God’s messages of Love. Some priests have blogs to share their homilies or reflections online. Some religious sisters and priests and laypeople have set up certain groups on Facebook for people of the same faith to learn more about God and announcement of activities which draw communities closer. I think it is good idea for the priests to bless our communication gadgets as this will serve to remind us that these gadgets should deliver materials or messages of God’s Love. They are meant to lift others up or build lives or connect people no matter where they are. Discernment is very important when we are reading or viewing any materials or messages. Therefore, critical reading is more important nowadays. Then, we need to be guided by the Holy Spirit what actions we should take next after reading or viewing the materials so that we will know how to help or encourage the people involved. For instance, the online news notifies us that a famine is affecting a country. We may need to reach out to help the victims. We need to check if the news or messages are true with the organizations or people involved in the messages or news. They may be fraud cases too.

Before I have decided to post messages or materials online, I must consider whether I am in the right spiritual state so that whatever materials or messages I post or deliver online are done at the right time at the right place to the right people with the right intensity with the guidance of the Holy Spirit. I must never come too strong on the others. Only when I am in the right spiritual state, the Holy Spirit will direct me to post or deliver them in God’s time and will. Also, as a recipient of any emails or messages or a viewer of the materials, I must view or read them with critical thinking asking God to bless me with discernment to sieve the truth from the lies and pray for the Holy Spirit to guide me in my response or behaviour towards the people involved so that they are handled with Love. If not, I may even distort the messages or materials which are God’s messages and pass the wrong messages or behave nastily towards others or misunderstand others if I am not reading or receiving or interpreting them in the right spiritual state with the guidance of the Holy Spirit. How I respond to or interpret or receive the messages are important in my communication with the others which will in turn affect my relationships with them. I must always keep in mind that all these communication tools are God’s tools for me to use them to connect people, deliver and share God’s message of Love, and lift other people up. These are for the communication of Love. The foundation of all is Love.

With prudence,
Elena

Reflection on the Gospel Reading on 3 October 2010 (Sunday)

Lk 17:5-10


All I need is ‘faith the size of a mustard seed’ for ‘this mulberry tree’ to ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it would obey you.’ It may seem impossible according to logic. But, when is Love ever logical? If it is logical, I would have confined His Love within my limited capacity of my human mind. I have to keep on reminding myself that God’s way may not be comprehended by my mind. That is why I have to learn to surrender myself with ‘faith the size of a mustard seed’, trusting that God will use me creatively to share His Love with the others. Sometimes, I may be called forth to do things that are not of the worldly values such as forgiving people who have wronged me ‘seventy seven times’ instead of an eye for an eye approach where never ending wars continue to persist between both parties which may lead to death. When things do not go my way, I often get frustrated such as why I cannot get into university that I really want to get in or job which I desire so much. I have to realize that my way is not God’s way. I may think I know what is the best for myself when actually the One who created me knows me through and through, even the ‘number of hairs on me’.

I have to learn to have ‘faith the size of a mustard seed’ so that the Holy Spirit in me will guide me in my behaviour, words and approach towards others. At times, I may think I know what is the best for my children or friends or loved ones and I may impose what I wish or want on them. However, I may be wrong even with good intention as I am just imposing those values or ideas on them at the wrong time, wrong intensity, wrong place or they should not have been imposed upon them at all, leading to bitterness, conflicts and hurts in the end. If I still insist on them, I am imposing my will on them. I am playing God when it may not even be God’s way at all. Only God knows what should be done in the right place at the right time with the right intensity and right approach for He is Love who knows us through and through. He will know how to draw us closer in Love. When I have ‘faith the size of a mustard seed’, my focus is set right on Him and I learn to surrender myself to Him slowly for Him to be involved in everything that I do in my daily living through the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Only, then I will experience the fruits of the Holy Spirit with the others which are parts of Love.

Well, I can be adamant in getting things right with my own principles and wanting things my way, hurting others without compassion at times. But, I must realize that the world is not about me, me, me and me. I must learn to increase my faith so that I will learn to let go and let God bit by bit by spending more time with God through many channels such as active participation in the Eucharistic celebration, regular confession through Sacrament of Reconciliation, prayer meetings with the others, regular meditation and reflection on His Word, quiet time set aside before the Blessed Sacrament, etc. for God to tenderize my hardened heart with His Love and for me to build stronger relationship with God so that I will be more sensitive and receptive to the Holy Spirit.

With Love,
Elena