Have been very hectic. It was challenging last week as I was with high fever for six days. If my fever continued on lat Wednesday, the doctor would send me straight to the hospital for suspected dengue fever case. Fortunately, it turned out just a serious viral flu. It hit me real hard. Could not eat for days, not even porridge which caused me to visit the toilet after less than five minutes. I managed to lose weight. :) After my two days of MC, as usual, had to clear backlog. I also took urgent leave this week as I did not sleep for 24 hours. I have to admit that age is catching up. After that, my fever almost came back and I nearly got bronchitis again. Managed to press it down with medication. As usual, after my leave, back to hectic work. Just came back from chatting with my church friend. Though very tired, I still met her as she really needs people to journey with her. I really do not wish to see another youth committing suicide. I trust that she will not do that. Hope that my presence brought her hope and comfort as she is pretty confused with her complex situation. I am also busy with my online Philosophy course. No formal certificate. I just hope to enjoy studying since I cannot afford to study in any universities.
I bumped into two people who happened to share about Catholic faith with me yesterday at workplace. One of them was youth working in my organization. He came from a university, joining a Catholic prayer group. He knows that I am out of church and keeps on asking me to go for Ash Wednesday at a centre near my workplace. I am considering. Most probably, I will not go. I am not ready to go back for Sunday masses. Call me a weakling. I just cannot cope with the politics inside though I really love and miss the Eucharistic celebrations. I also think that I am not in the right state to go back to the church. I would not want to go for the confession and Ash Wednesday mass and not intending to go for Sunday masses. My colleague told me I could always go for weekday mass at the centre. But, that is not the point. If I go for confession and back to church, I want to go for Sunday masses sincerely. I do not do things just for the sake of doing. I know he means well and I appreciate it. I think it is better for me to stay away until I settle what is in me.
We also shared about my youth's suicide. He told me one of the youths from my ex-parish was badly affected by the death and was seeking help. His faith was shaken. Actually, that was what worries me all along. I know some of them are not coping well. But, I am already out of church. What can I do? All I can do is to pray for them from time to time. From my church friend just now, one of my other youths is also badly affected till now. It also affects her faith. I also do not know why. It seems that my concern has been still on the youths though I may have reached out to other groups of people. Perhaps, I used to be an incorrigible youth and received help from friends and teachers. And, now, I would like to pass this love on to other youths. I do not want to see them getting into what I had got into when I was young. That route was tough and suicidal.
My colleague and I were honest about the situation of the churches in US and Singapore. He claimed that in certain studies that he had with his prayer group, the situation in US is similar to the one here, such as leaders going wayward, parishioners may go to church often and yet the hearts are not transformed. They go for the sake of showing others how holy they are. Some try to suck up to priests. Some priests favour them over others. We were very factual about it. I shared with him it is tough travelling alone. I need a break away. At least, he has a brother to walk with him. For me, I do not have such health and energy to handle politics as most of my energy would be drained at work.I had already stretched beyond my limits while in church. I had done my best. I am not as rich as most of them. I need to earn more money for survival. I have never intended to win anyone over to my side. Pointless and a waste of time for such petty matters. There are so many people out there who need guidance and help. I rather spend my time and energy to improve the quality of life of the others when called forth. I also do not care how people in church have bad mouthed me. They can say what they want. Life is to short to calculate who wins. Now, where I go, I will see how I can serve. I still pray regularly and meditate on the Word as much as I can. At least, I enjoy the peace now. Hopefully, when the time is right, I will go back to the church a few years later. Meanwhile, I will stay out and do as such as I can to serve others while depending on regular quiet time, meditation on the Word and blogs by some foreign priests for spiritual nourishment. I know I still shortchange myself by missing the sacraments. I also miss them, especially the Eucharistic celebration. Feel like very dry without it. I just have to endure it until I can go back with someone who can journey with me.
The other person who shared his faith with me was my vendor. He is going through RCIA. He dropped out of RCIA in 2009 as he could not stand people did not practise what they preach, including his own godmother. He even observed that some people looked holy receiving communion but starting to use vulgarities and turned violent once they stepped out of the church and drove their cars out of the compound. It was no better in RCIA where leaders sucked up to priests and some priests favoured them. He was funny in describing and imitating the parishioners behave like the fans worshipping and wooing the priests as if they were Andy Lau. He asked me if they knew who they should worship. I asked him what he liked about the Catholic faith. He told me he liked Mother Mary. He felt comfortable with her. It was good to hear that from him. I did try to correct certain wrong concepts of his. He listened to me quietly. Hope it helped him. I was honest with him that I have left the church for three years. I just need a break away but I am not leaving the church forever. I will go back one day.
From our honest sharing with one another, we know God does not create the church to be chaotic. The chaos are caused by people. One person is enough to create havoc. A few of such people will turn the church upside down. We also realize that once a person is labelled as unholy or bad, he will be driven out of church. We question why these people have been driven out of church go to. My main concern is how about the youths who are labelled bad or unruly by parishioners and leaders and are driven out because of such labels. Where do they go? Void deck for fights or crimes? Also, if the leader is not right with God, the leaders he selects to lead the various ministries will create division, politics and chaos causing others distress and hurt. I have seen that enough and I was also tired of clearing the mess left behind by them. I am a human after all, not God. I also do not want to play God and show I am holier than thou. I was too drained.
Caution! Be careful with what we do, say or how we behave. We are supposed to be the light to guide others to Christ with love. If not, how many people do we want to drive out of church who could have contributed positively to the church and society with proper guidance, support and love? Like my vendor, he was so sick of the sponsors' ill behaviour and intention that he refused to talk as he saw no point talking to them. They would only put him down in front of the priests putting a show for the priest to see how capable and knowledgeable they are. Besides, we will never know how vulnerable the people we are handling are. Like my youth who had committed suicide last year, who would expect such a jovial boy end his life inn such tragic manner? Some people even commented other methods of dying when he posted he wanted to die in certain manner. We will never know how our harsh thoughtless words and actions push the other party to a road with no return.
We can go on and on about how bad others are. Does it help by lamenting? Does it help by gossiping? Does it help by winning people to your side? Prayers are needed. We need to pray for one another instead of putting one another down further. We need to pray for the church which everyone of us is a part of. Putting others down and elevating myself up does not mean I am holier than thou. It only shows how eager I want to perform and show others I am holy out of insecurity or even narcissism deep within. Who am I to judge others? How can I judge others when I have my own flaws and I have been forgiven by God and people around me? Why can't I extend this mercy to the others? Instead of complaining, gossiping, putting others down, diving people out, sucking up to priests, favouring others who have sucked up to you and having other hidden agendas, why don't we pray for the church and make full use of our talents and gifts for the good of others and for us to grow to be more complete in Love with others? Lent is coming. It is really a good time for deeper reflection and examination of self. Though I am out of church, I am preparing myself for Lent. I have started by downloading an apps, 'Lent' for daily meditation on top of the daily readings for the mass. There is a theme each day to guide my thoughts, behaviour and action. I have to be honest that I would meditate the readings for Saturday and Sunday on Monday. Anyway, normally, I will examine myself before each day starts and ends through prayers. It' precisely I know I have flaws and are capable of sins that I need to have regular prayers and stay cose to God If not, I could not imagine what kind of monster I would turn into.
Enough of my reflection here. It's Chinese New Year. Hurray! I have long weekend starting from today to next Tuesday. I will still be very busy as I am organizing Chinese New Year gathering at my house. Need to do some marketing with my sister and cousin. We are all looking forward to the gathering with the kids. Will also busy with visiting houses. I also need to catch up with the 2nd week of my course as I did not have the time for my lessons and quizzes online. No matter where you are, I wish all a prosperous Chinese New Year with healthy body, mind, heart and soul immersed with Love! Enjoy the festive season with your loved ones and friends. Nothing beats spending happy moments with them. God loves you and I love all of you too! God bless!
With Love,
Elena
