Cherish the people around you!

It is my last day of work today. I have two colleagues who are cute. They placed something on my desk without mentioning who the givers are. I have to go around hunting for them. I know who one of them is while the other one seems mysterious to me. I am very distracted now. I am doing research on the organization where I will be going for an interview, chatting with friend on Facebook, finding out more on the Safari Run, replying email on my handover of items before I leave at 3pm, etc. This is how I work. I tend to open many windows on my computer screen and working on a few things at the same time. My colleagues asked me if I feel sad leaving the organization. My answer is a No. Maybe, I have got used to changing organizations. Life experience has taught me parting is part and parcel of life. Nowadays, I do not feel upset people leaving the places as I have got used to it. As long as they are leaving for good and better future, I give them my blessings. I will never hinder anyone from leaving just because I can’t let go. Life has to move on. People who want to stay will stay. People who should leave will still leave one day. No matter what decisions we make, to stay or to leave, we have to look into our hearts and ask God and ourselves. If the Holy Spirit prompts me to go, then I go.




I have just finished watching a TVB Hong Kong series on Forensic cases. Very interesting. One theme stands out in the show which is to cherish the people around me. In the show, one of the female characters died as she used her body to shield her boyfriend from the gunshot by a perverted man. In reality, will anyone do that? I personally doubt. Well, that is beside the point. The point is the female character just became the man’s boyfriend. He was promising her to go Atlantic to watch penguins with her and yet at the next moment, she died in front of her. Life is really fragile. During last week, other than the three people whom I have mentioned are very sick at the verge of death at anytime, I received another news from my church friend that my ex formation leader has 4th stage of liver cancer and the cancer has spread in his body. He would always invite me to his house during every Christmas since I knew him even though he did hear some rumours about me. But, I have stopped going since the year before last since I have started leaving the church and I see it pointless to mingle with them. Never have I expected to hear such bad news about him. I have smsed him and emailed him but no reply. Well, I have prayed for him. Maybe, he needs quite time alone to accept the fact about his illness. All I can do is to let him know that I still care for him as a friend and will be with him in my prayers.



Cherish the people around you. They may seem fit and healthy running around. But, I will never know who will suddenly be hit by any diseases or accident or even sudden death. Sometimes, I do take for granted that the people are always there daily, especially towards these people whom I see everyday at work or home or even among friends. I should say that my life is pretty much unpredictable. Sometimes, I am struck with a few bad news within one day which are about life and death matters. Whether I like it or not, this is the kind of life I have beyond my control. The only thing I can control is myself, my response. The only way of not living or even leaving with regrets is to spend quality time with the people in my life while they and I are around. No point crying over spill milk complaining and lamenting and blaming when people are gone suddenly.



Cherish the people around you. It is silly to keep thinking that the pasture is greener somewhere (even though it is true at times but not all times) when the treasures are already in your life. These treasures are none other than the people around you. They are not coincidental there in your life out of the billions and billions people in the world. Some seemingly difficult people are there to help you to grow up to your potential, to be more complete. Some are there as kind angels to comfort and encourage you. Blaming others will only blind you from growing up.



Cherish the people around you while you can. Is there anyone you are neglecting due to your busyness and distraction? Well, this season is the season of giving since Christmas is drawing. Giving may not be necessarily physical gifts. Towards people whom you have held grudges against, forgiving them is a gift for you have given them the mercy of God through the acting of forgiving them yourself. Spending quality time is the best gift for time can never be bought. It will never increase but decrease gradually. It is much better than money as you are giving part of your life by spending part of it with them. Physical items made or bought are things afterall. Nothing can be warmer than being there physically with them with your blessed human warm body expressing the abstract Love which can not be easily felt and experienced without the physical body as the instrument of Love.



Time for me to move on in my career. I seriously need to see how I can upgrade myself. Many people have nagged me about it. Almost all my friends are graduated or graduating from the universities. I seem to be wandering around like soulless body. Hopefully, I can get into marketing or corporate communication field. My RO asked me to look for a job where I can use my mouth to earn a living since I can speak well with wit. I am not sure if she is right. I lift it up to God. This is my last time using my existing laptop. I do not own any laptops since I have been blessed with new laptops for work in the organizations that I am rendering my services to. Goodbye to my organization today! I am free to wander again. No matters where I go, I will cherish the people around me until I leave the places or they leave me so that I will never live or leave with regrets. Cherish the people around you!

With Love,
Elena

Where Is My Guardian Angel In My Secret Garden?

Have been receiving bad news yesterday. Mood very down. I did not go for the full month celebration of my friend's son, partly also due to heavy downpour. Instead, I went for massage as the appointment has been changed to yesterday since they have something on on next Wednesday. They did cupping for me during the massage session. People may think that I am wasting money to enjoy the massage sessions. Actually, far from it. I personally do not enjoy whole body massage. Due to my health issue and poor blood circulation resulting in cramps, aches and sleepless nights, I have to go for massage for better blood circulation. I have been warned from time to time that if my problems persist, I may run the risk of getting stroke. I am also aware of that without their warning. I have been getting serious migraine more often and my stiff neck is becoming more serious. The cupping done yesterday was very painful and it left my body with ugly bruises since my condition has been bad. Well, who will want to waste money exchanging for pain and discomfort and bruises? I just have to go for the sessions. Then, I am better enough to wake up for exercises. If not, I can't even get up to go for morning exercises as my body is too weak.

I have received three bad news yesterday. My church friend told me the condition of one of my priests due to kidney cancer is not optimistic. The Archbishop has anointed him and he has left it to God entirely. I got quite upset as he used to treat me quite well and I really appreciate for what he has done for all of us though he might have misunderstood me in some ways. Anyway, he is still a human being with flaws after all. I never bear grudges against him though I am quite hurt. No matter what, it hurt me to see him in such state. I could not hold my tears when I saw how skinny and weak he was many months back when he came back to celebrate mass with us. I cannot do anything for him. All I can do is to pray for him and email him once in awhile to show him that I care and I am always there for him. I have always wanted to visit him but I think he is too weak to see many people. So, I have not visited him, giving him more time to rest and for him to spend his time with his family and other parishioners closer to him. That will help him more. I really hope that he will go through his ordeal with courage and love and peace until he is called to be home with the Lord.
The other bad news is my uncle, suffering from stomach cancer, is not doing well. It seems that the doctor has stopped all the treatment. Now, my uncle has to depend on his will to live to continue with his life. I am not sure how my aunt is going to take it. According to my mum, my uncle’s appearance has changed tremendously. It is very painful to see how a healthy person’s appearance changes into someone beyond recognition at times. I am sick of going through that. But, I have no choice whether I like it or not. My poor aunt is so exhausted running to and forth between her home and the hospital.

The last bad news is my grandfather has gone back to the hell which is the filthy nursing home. He has requested to go back there, giving an excuse that there are other old folks to talk to him while nobody talks to him at home most of the time. I think it is an excuse. If he did not want to go home, he would not have gone back willingly at first. I think he wants to go back to the nursing home as he can no longer control his urination and he fell in the coffeeshop when he went out alone. He might have overheard the complaints from my relatives who were staying with him in the house. He may be feeling himself useless and unworthy and a disgrace. I really hope that he is not giving up hope on himself by going back to that hell. I keep on sensing that from him and I feel very upset inside and yet I do not know what to do. I can’t even communicate with him as I can’t speak his dialect. Why am I so useless? Why can’t I hold on to a job and earn more money for him to stay in a better home? Why didn’t I study hard so that my pay will be higher as a graduate? I ask myself a lot of questions. No matter how many questions I ask and how upset I am inside, I still cannot help my grandfather. All I can do is to visit him when my mother goes since she can be my translator and pray for him. It is very scary to wait and see who will be passing on first. I am feeling very sick inside. It is that feeling and horrible anticipation again. Whatever lah!

I was quite angry with my colleague. Let’s call him AK here. AK claimed that he wanted to treat me as I am leaving the organization. Guess what? He asked me to go to the stall early and queue up for the fish soup which tends to be popular there and there is always long queue. I still went there early even though his subordinate told him directly that he was insincere by doing that to me. He came and joined me and saw that the queue was too long. Then, we decided to go for another stall. The queue was much shorter. He looked at his watch and told me he was going to be late for his table tennis tournament. I told him we could always have lunch together next time and forget about this. What pissed me off was he was just making use of me to buy food for him so that he could eat after his tournament. I wanted to go for a walk but he insisted on me getting food for him. I wanted to be heartless and ignored his request. But, I could not leave him hungry and I did that feeling very angry inside. If he wanted me to buy food for him, he did not have to lie to me that he wanted to treat me. Just tell me he needed help from someone to buy food for him and I would do it willingly. Why stooped himself to such level? This self centered behaviour of his has been consistent in his work, in his team, in organizing the outing with me for the department. He only cared about himself and did not care about anyone else. One of his subordinates is dying from work. The normally cool and collected her has been losing her cool lately and she has been asking for help. And yet, he did not care much and continued to leave the office on time, leaving her working late daily. I simply do not understand how he gets away from all these things. I can only conclude that not all leaders are capable with integrity. It does not mean that if you are up there, you are definitely capable and competent. All you have to do is to do the right thing at the right time in front of the right people. Like what the monster has told my RO before, it is all about packaging. Well, she has been promoted two levels up. I guess she is right. I also see that in church too and these leaders are very popular and seem holy among the people. The truth does not matter. Well, this is how the world works. I have to accept it whether I like it or not.

I am pretty lost now. I am trying to be more selective in my jobs as I really hope to stay in an organization beyond two years. I am feeling very frustrated inside why I keep losing jobs no matter how hard I have tried, even to the point of damaging my health. I get angry with myself that I lose focus very easily. I can’t even complete learning foreign languages, music, dance, etc., since I get distracted and bored very easily. It is no use that I learn things very fast according to the instructors but I forget just as fast. The boredom is overwhelming. My RO was cute. She asked me why I have never thought of opening a cafe since I like coffee and pastries and cakes so much. I also know. Where do I get the money? I am not tai tai. I am just a poor employee who has been underpaid. I told her I do not mind serving coffee and beverages at coffeeshop, with the waist pouch around my waist shouting customers’ orders. My RO got quite shocked by my answer and explained to me that I could not make it for such position. She told me I could always open a cafe. She is sharp in pointing out my dream. Yes, I dream to have my own cafe as I enjoy seeing people gathering with friends and loved ones at the cafe strengthening their bonds with one another. So what? I have to face reality. I am poor. Forget about daydreaming. There are many dreams that I yearn to fulfil will never come true even after I have died such as studying in a recognized university (I promised my deceased teacher in front of her casket to get in before 21 years old. How old am I now? I still have not stepped in. All my friends are graduating from universities. I am the only idiot with Diploma certificate.), exploring the world, especially Europe where the culture is rich and I love the arts, becoming a model (too old to do that now), seeing myself in evening gown (Have never attended any high end parties and will never have a chance since I belong to lower middle social class), dancing (How to do that with injured bad left knee?), marrying a spouse who loves and accepts me as who I am (Impossible at all since I am eccentric and difficult according to the others. I have tried very hard to improve but still can’t fit into mainstream.), having a family and house of my own with children (I am too old to do that), owning a futuristic white house near the sea, having a cafe business with my spouse for people to have a place to bond with their friends and loved ones over food and beverages, etc. There is this Malay couple having a stall selling kueh, beverages in the hawker centre along Amoy Street near my workplace. They enjoy their work very much and they never fail to cheer me up whenever I buy things from them. Their business is no longer a chore, a work. It is their enjoyment. Life is simple for them. But, I can feel they are enjoying what they are doing. I really envy them.

I can only dream. I thank God that I can still dream. Actually, my friend did not have to remind me I will never marry a rich man. Well, I have never dreamt of that. A person ever told me to dream on. He was right. But, he has never known that I do not even dare to dream of that. Call me inferior. I am not. I know my limits. I have never tried to be part of the upper or even upper middle social class. I feel uncomfortable with them. I find it a joke whenever people told me I look like a rich tai tai or rich girl from good school or a US university graduate. Yes, like real. I am far from it.

Harsh reality has taught me hard enough to depend on myself and never dream too much. I really do not know what lies ahead of me. The worst thing is nowadays, most organizations even look at the appearance. How do I compete against the others? I do not even pass my own appearance according to my own worldly standard. Sigh! What can I do? I have nothing to depend on now. I only have God. If I can survive till now, I can get through challenges ahead alone. I have been facing challenges alone, even results of certain biopsies. I know I can make it. I do socialize from time to time but feel disconnected somehow.

Will my life be ever changed? I really don’t know. Now, I can only do my best. I am very tired at times. Who is not? At least, I still have Jesus to go back to. I do not have many friends and I am pretty much alone. I have to get used to that since I am aging and most of my friends are busy with their families. Hopefully, I can try to save up money for myself to stay in an old folks home when I am old. As for my dreams, I can only fantasize about them behind the closed doors of my room. Recently, I like to listen to this music from the Secret Garden Korean OST series, titled Guardian Angel. Most people have their spouses or close friends as their guardian angels. For me, I listen to this song to emo whenever I get too upset. I used to confide in a person through emails. Only he seemed to understand what I was talking about and I felt comfortable with him. Since he has left, I have stopped all contacts with him and even stopped reading what he post online and stopped going to any churches. I want to disappear from places where he may appear as I want him to have a new start. I have disturbed him enough. I know he is leading a joyful and fulfilled life overseas and he has many people who love him and will walk through his life journey with him. So, I have stopped confiding in anyone since then. At least, this music helps me to get in touch with my feelings. Maybe, my guardian angel is my deceased teacher since I name myself after her as my baptism name. If it is God’s will for me to get married, I will accept the man he blesses me with. If not, I will continue to lead my own life wandering and continuing helping others along the way until I die. Health has been my biggest cross. No point lamenting. I just need to try to find ways to improve my health. I do not believe in blaming fate, people or parents for the challenges or obstacles in life. I have the free will to choose what I want to do with my life.

Ok, I have to go to sleep. Hopefully, I can sleep well tonight. I can’t remember the time when I can sleep throughout the whole night without any dreams. Hopefully, I will not see some people I have let go of in my dreams again and I will not sense anything from them again since I have truly given them my blessings and moved on. All I want is for them to be joyful and live life to the fullest as their true selves created by God.

With Love,
Elena

What are your gifts to others during this season of giving?

My department organized a farewell lunch for me last afternoon. I wanted to help my colleagues out but they shooed me out of it as they claimed that I was the ‘VIP’. To me, there is no such thing as whether I was the ‘VIP’ or not. I could always help out especially when all of them were busy with their work. I wanted to treat them the drinks but they refused to as they told me they wanted to do everything for me and treated me. I appreciate what they have done for me. I saw them running around in the midst of their work just to set up the room. As usual, the monster only stood by and watched. I really wonder of that is what we define by leader; the person who leads with her mouth and never dirties her hands. Anyway, I do appreciate the efforts and time put together for our makan (eating) session. I saw it as an opportunity to have meal together for the last time.


Christmas is coming. It is a season of giving. We do not just give only when Christmas is drawing near. If that is the case, that means we are self se3rving and self centered for most part of the year. That will only lead to more cruelty in the cold and merciless society where everyone only wants and fights for what he wants. Personally, Christmas helps me to focus more of giving, bringing hope to others, just like how the birth of Christ brings hope to the world. My action of giving my time and efforts in the projects I am involved with give birth to hope to the needy ones. In return, my soul is nourished with Love and warmth by simply giving. I am doing something different outside church for this year. For this year, I will be helping the World Vision at the booth at NEX in promoting and educating the public on child sponsorship and bridging the public and the organization in contributing gifts or cash to these underprivileged children and communities. World Vision is a foreign charity organization which get itself involved in various projects that help the selected the poorest areas in some countries like Mongolia in China, Ethopia, India, Philippines, etc. in helping not just the children to have basic needs and education but also in building the communities until they have the ability of self sustainability.

I am a human with logical thinking. At the back of my mind, especially after the fraud cases of National Kidney Foundation, SLA, etc., I am also sceptical about where our money will really go to, whether my efforts and time will go to drain if it were to be another fraud case. Worse still, my involvement only helps the conmen in their corruptive deeds if it were to be a fraud case. During the briefing last night, two child sponsors were invited to share their child sponsorship experiences. I still doubt the testimonies. However, I still get myself involved with this project because I rather give them the benefits of doubt than depriving these needy people of any help just because of my doubt. The World Vision is a Christian organization. I believe these volunteers and workers will not dare to use God’s name in vain. Even if they do, God will intervene one day and it will never be long before the truth is exposed. For every project that I am involved with, my prayers will always come first so that I will keep myself focus on God and being the instrument to share such tender Love with the people involved. I always believe no man can ever beat God since all men are God’s creation. That explains why I still get involved with this project though I still doubt with my rational mind as any normal people out there. I rather rely on faith than my limited capacity of my rational thinking. God will protect me and all His children from being instruments of any forms of abuse. I have lifted the whole project up to God. I will just do my best and leave the rest to God.

I am writing in a personal capacity. If you would like to sponsor any child or contribute any gifts through paying for the selected gifts by the World Vision after identifying which items these people in different Area Development Programmes (ADP) need the most to survive, please visit any booths at

NEX (1-18 Dec 2011)

Jurong Point (1-22 Dec 2011)

Marina Square (8-22 Dec 2011)

I will be at booth at NEX for some of the shifts. When it comes to giving, there should not be calculation. If it is calculated, it is stipulated with conditions. It is no longer unconditional love. It becomes a transaction, such as contributing some money just to boost one’s ego or for show to the others. Of course, I am not asking anyone to give beyond your ability. Just be generous with what you have. Whatever you give, you will receive manifolds from God in many ways. Never belittle that $1 that you give. To these needy people in the developing countries, it may mean many meals for a family. If everyone in Singapore were to contribute even just $0.10 and we pool the funds together, how many poor communities we could help?

I am thinking of sponsoring a child. But, it is a long term commitment of at least 2 years. Since I cannot hold on to a job at least two years, I would not want to break the child’s hope if my monthly contribution breaks at some point. When reaching out or helping others in any ways, there is a certain level of responsibility to carry. It is not like if I like it, I contribute. If I don’t like, I do not care. Imagine if I contribute for 9 months to the child and I am suddenly jobless and have to stop contributing to the child. What will happen to him? It only pulls him down from the 9 months of heaven to hell. It is very cruel to bring him hope and break it suddenly. My point is when reaching out to others or helping anyone, especially in long term, it requires a certain level of commitment. This commitment comes from the Love within. Sometimes, we may feel dry and ‘unloved’. That is why our faith must be strong in God through our regular communication with God since God is Love and His Love is never ending or limited. It is not like if God loves me, He cannot another person as intensely and cannot give His ‘attention’ to him/her. His ‘attention’ does not confine within space or time. In fact, This Love must be shared to multiply. Our commitment also shows our fidelity to God. If we are strong in our faith in God with fidelity, our commitment to these needy people will continue to spring from our received Love from God by our action of first connecting with God on a regular basis.

Well, I admit I have left the church for months. I am not holy if anyone deems I am so. I am not. I am not trying to be humble. I am just true to myself and others. I have not been ‘diligent’ with my quiet time with God as I spend moist of my time catching up with my sleep since I suffer from insomnia for a long time. I only pray regularly and confess my daily sins to God, asking God to help me to improve and praying for others who come to my mind during my prayers. Well, I am a person full of flaws who still cannot hold on to a job for long. But, I am trying my best. Wherever I am called to serve, I will try my best to serve. I am still a wanderlust led by God. I guess that is the best for me. I rather serve wherever I am called to than getting involved with ministries where I see fights for favour or positions. I rather be anonymous and disappear in the crowd. I do not yearn to be known as I am contented to have a few loved ones and friends with me. At least, I am happy now. I am not sure if I do not go to church and I will end up in hell. That is up to God to decide. Only He looks into my heart. I still love God. If not for God, I would have died long time ago.

During this season of giving, how are you going to contribute to the others, especially the needy and less fortunate ones? Just as Jesus has exclaimed, ‘What you do to the least of your brethren, you do unto Me…’ Who are the ‘ least brethrens’ around you or in your community? Any plans to give birth to hope to them? Take some time and look for them with your heart and the ‘eyes’ of God.

With Love,
Elena

Artistic Soulful Tour Through the Exhibitions of Dali and The Titanic

Finally, have some time to write my blog. Have been busy handing over the tasks and roles to my colleagues. One of my roles is still pending for someone to take over. It was supposed to be taken over by a colleague as assigned by my new DD. Obviously, she was playing taiji, pushing the role away. I am wondering if she pushes her bonus away when it comes. If she could push the role away, I could have pushed it away with some 'brilliant' reasons. Anyway, it is not up to me to worry over who will take over the role. I am on holiday mood liao. During last week, my new DD squeezed me for the presentation slides. One of my colleagues found me silly to stay back for the slides and had to even cut down on my lunchtime to rush the slides for her since I am leaving. I know that it is silly as some people here sleeping in the office still get their bonuses. Sometimes, we could even hear them snoring while passing by their workstation during office hours. I just do not understand that after working so hard, my work is not recognized. Instead, what I get is accusation and could not pass my probation. Who asked me to offend the monster? If I know how to lick her boots, even if I sleep here, she will still praise me and recognize my work. This is how it works here. Anyway, I have learnt to accept it long time ago when I first started work. Sometimes, when my colleagues complained things are unfair, I would ask her to look at her fingers. They are all of unequal lengths. So, what is fair? How do you define fairness? By whose perspectives?  Things which seem bad may turn out to be blessings in disguise. Sometimes, when I complain, my colleagues will also comfort me with the words which I have told her. Anyway, I have started packing my things as my last day of work is on next Wednesday. I really need a rest as I seem not able to recover from my migraine since last Friday when I was forced to leave the office early due to it.

I went to the Art Science Museum with my friend the week before. We spent half a day there. Since it was raining heavily, we postponed the trip to the National Museum for the Van Gogh exhibition. At the Art Science Museum, we visited the Dali exhibition followed by the Titanic exhibition showcasing the artifacts retrieved from the deep sea. From the Dali exhibition, I got in touch with the human side of myself. Most of the Dali's art and paintings seemed to focus a lot of femininity, sexuality and anxiety. He kept in touch of the soul deeply.  Dali was a surrealist. According to the definition of Wikipedia, 'Surrealist works feature the element of surprise, unexpected juxtapositions and non sequitur; however, many Surrealist artists and writers regard their work as an expression of the philosophical movement first and foremost, with the works being an artifact.' From Dali's art, I gathered that a person's development right from the childhood will influence his growth even as an adult. How a child is handled from young will somehow determine if he can grow healthily as an adult. When you do not know how to express yourself with words, drawing, painting, sculpting can be other effective avenues to convey your feelings, thoughts and ideas which limited words could not convey. Sometimes, a picture does speak a thousand words. Personally, when I am too depressed, I can't even find words to express how I feel and think inside. I would draw some simple pictures. You do not need to have any skills to express yourself through drawing. Just doodle on the papers according to who your heart wants it to be. Sometimes, the pictures will only make sense to you after some time though they may not make sense on the spot.

Why do some people suffer from anxiety or depression? I think they do not have healthy outlets for them to vent out. Worse still, they keep denying they need help or outlets to vent their pent up negative feelings and thoughts that they become sick. Denial does not mean you are fine. It just means you have this pride that stops you from acknowledging that you do have your vulnerability like everyone else. If not, you may not have the courage to admit you are facing challenges that you feel trapped by. Art may help if no words can express how you feel or think inside. There is no right or wrong in the realm of arts. You may share your art with someone whom you trust or close to. By talking through the art pieces that you have produced with someone, you may discover something that also surprises you or something that you have never thought that is in you. Art to me, is a good way of communication with my soul and God. When I was viewing the Cross and bible by Dali, I was communicating with God in the museum. I simply stood right in front of it and started to thank God in the museum from my heart. My visit to the Dali exhibition was meant to be meditation through the art with God. It was a fruitful trip as I gained certain insights into human nature and growth of a person.

After the Dali exhibition, I went for a break with my friend over a cup of Mocha and chocolate croissant. We discussed on our feelings and thoughts over the artpieces. Both of us had different views on a particular sculpture. My friend felt painful viewing that artpiece while I felt healing from it. That artpiece was a sculpture with the horn of a unicorn piercing through a distorted wall with a heart shaped hole. The horn came with a drip of blood at the other side of the wall.  My friend felt painful because of the piercing. I felt healing because as described on the artpiece on a label at the piece, unicorn was known for healing. To me, it was something positive to see a unicorn's horn piercing through the distorted wall. It means the wall is akin to a person's wall drawn up due to past hurts, wounds, abuses from others, etc. That wall is drawn to protect the person from further harm for awhile. Over time, if it is not torn down, the person will never get to see the other side of the wall, thus, hindering him from growing or seeing the light. The wall is distorted, distorting the person' growth and perception and approach towards people and life.  I see the horn as a certain traumatic situation or challenge which pierces through the distorted wall. The person may bleed and get hurt. No doubt it is painful and yet it is God's way of piecing through that distorted wall. That blood means the person is still alive. It means new life. The hole comes in the shape of a heart to me means Love is imprinted on the person. That hole in the shape of the heart is God's Love to heal the person so that light can shine through the hole on his soul for healing. Old blood comes out on the horn and new blood is replenished within the person for the person to have a new life.   

We went for the Titanic exhibition after the break. Each of us was given a boarding pass with the name of the real victim who was saved or lost in the wreckage. I was a person by the name of Mrs William Coutts (Winnie Trainer) who brought her two sons to join her husband in US where he had found steady job as an engraver and had saved enough money to send for them. She was a third class passenger on Titanic to save more money. My friend and I went to search for our 'names' displayed at the exhibition. Instead of finding mine, I found my friend's 'name' on the list where more than 500 third class passengers were lost. I tried to look for mine for more than 15 mins. In the end, out of slightly more than 100 third class passengers saved, I was saved together with my 'children'. Somehow, I felt God was speaking to me though this search. Life is precious. When I found my 'name' on the 'Saved' list, I felt a sense of relief and love. Personally, I believe that if I am still alive after such great disaster, God's grace can never be described for such survival. I was feeling quite down before this visit to the museum as my job search has been very slow and I was losing hope with my poor health. My 'survival' is God giving me the spiritual boost that if I did not die at such traumatic disaster where the survival was very slim, I can still enjoy the blessings ahead. Such survival is God's goft of Love to me. Nothing is more important than being alive. If a person is dead, no amount of wealth or fame can be enjoyed anymore. The Titanic exhibition also tells me that whether the people are distinguished by their classes such as first, second or third, by the kind of services and products which they were entitled to enjoy, lives would still be lost no matter what. Death does not distinguish the social classes of people. All lives are equal and precious to God. If God only looks at the social classes of the people, then only the first class passengers should have survived the ship wreckage. What does it tell you that even people from the third class of the ship still got saved despite the fact that the priority of saving went to the first class passengers according to the infrastructure of the ship and the most number of the passengers saved out of all the three classes? Man can never beat God no matter what.

Ok, enough of my sharing here. Time to go home liao. I simply love the weather here. It is cold and I have the feeling of Christmas. This weekend is a busy weekend again with the celebration of the full month of my friend's son and my Bong Bong's birthday. Hehe...I have just bought my new toy after thinking about it for months whether to get a new phone since my old phone rest in peace and finally got $100 voucher for the phone. That is my iPhone 4s!! I enjoy playing it. Hurray! Have to scrimp and save like shit now. Now, I have to search harder for a new job. My colleagues are organizing a farewell lunch as initiated by the monster for me tomorrow. She did not even ask me what I like and went ahead with what she preferred which most of us do not like. That is eating in the boring office when most of us prefer to eat out. Well, that is her. She always wants her way though it is my farewell lunch. I heard that she is more enthusiastic about my farewell lunch than anyone else. It could just mean that she can't wait to get me out or she just enjoys such event. Sigh! Never mind. Ok, time to go home now. No matter where you are, always remember that being alive is a gift from God. Without life, no amount of wealth and luxury can be enjoyed at all. Enjoy life, man!! Don't have to wait till the Titanic disaster to happen in your life before you appreciate how precious life is! :)

With Love,
 Elena

Missing

It was a joyous and fulfilling weekend. I celebrated the birthdays of both my mum and aunt in advance. I brought them out for high tea buffet. Basically, my pay for this month is held back by my organization. I admit I am a poor person without much saving. So, I do not have much to offer them. I just wanted them to be happy. Anyway, money can always be earned. I am not sure who will die next since people in my life tend to disappear suddenly. I guess that is why I do treasure quality time with friends and loved ones. After the high buffet, we went shopping. I did feel bad about buying my mum a less than $100 bag and $69 clothe for my aunt. That was all I could afford. I was glad that both my mum and aunt enjoyed the celebration, especially when the service crews at the restaurant suddenly sang birthday song with two cupcakes for them. Our table was the first table for the celebration. So, both my mum and aunt looked surprise and asked me why I did not inform them of it. I simply answered I love giving people surprises. They enjoyed such surprises. To me, money is really hard earned with a lot of humiliation and tension from the monster and stress from work which I can never do well and force myself to do so. I cannot even remember how much caffeine I have forced my body to absorb for this job. So, when I spend money on anyone, that means I love him/her. I have regretted once. I do not need another great lesson to hit me before I treasure people in my life. Anyway, as I have told my mum and aunt, I can always earn the money back. The most important thing is they were happy on their special days. I hope my aunt is feeling happier. I am also happy that my grandfather has got out of that hell and is running healthily around his neighbourhood. I am very happy to see my true grandfather coming back with his independence and pride. Hurray!

I have just finished watching Secret Garden for the seond time as my reflective material. The theme of missing strikes me this time. What do I mean by missing? I mean both the meanings of a thing or a person absent from my life and taking time thinking of a person or thing during the absence. The interesting scene from this show was the leading male character, Kim Joo Won, kept on seeing the imaginary Gil Ra Im, the woman whom he loved without his own knowledge initially. He could not explain logically why he kept on 'seeing' her walking beside him in the nature. There was one occasion when he freaked out when he could hear the imaginary Gil Ra Im speak to him. He even went to the action school to find Gil Ra Im to scold her for being everywhere he went in his imagination. I find the scene really beautiful when the imaginary Gil Ra Im simply walked peacefully beside him. Somehow, I felt a sense of peace. Maybe, I yearn for that someone to walk with me quietly. I don't know. I am still figuring out.

From this scene, I realize that when we love, no matter how far they are, even through death where it would never be possible to see them ever again, their presence seems to be ever more real and prsent in our hearts. They seem to become more free as they are no longer confined within their bodies to walk with us. Sometimes, by missing them, the act of missing compels us to take action of communication with them through phone calls, emails, skype, facebook, etc., meet them and spend quality time with them. Where the people we miss have deceased, we simply visit the columbarium and spend some time thinking of them, reminiscent of our moments with them. When we miss certain people, our logical minds may not understand why no matter how long they have left or how far they are gone, we still think of them, they still love in our hearts. It is as if they are still walking our life journey with us. Why is that so? The missing comes from our hearts. These people have taken up certain imporatnt positions in our hearts. We love them from the bottom of our hearts. The heart talks to the mind and the mind produces thoughts of these people whom we miss. That explains why certain things can never be first fathomed by the minds unless we look deep into our hearts and acknowledge those feelings and what we miss and love. That is also why when we grieve over the loss of someone or thing, people will always describe they feel empty, a hole, hollow, etc. There is always this empty space after the person or thing is physically gone or gone from our lives. From time to time, if I miss someone, I will call them and meet them to spend quality time with them. I would not want to stoop to the state of spending them with them as the columbarium where I could not see or feel them physically.

How about God? Do I miss God enough for me to spend time with Him at least once a week in church? Of course, God is never confined within space or time. He is everywhere. Whether we admit it or not, we are visual people. That is why there is this saying like 'Out of sight, out of mind.' There are so many things or even people vying for our attention. By spending at least one day with God every week, we are responding to His Love and we are improving on our relationship with Him.

Ok, that is all for my sharing. This week is my Arts week. I am watching the Phantom of the Opera at a cinema later. As for tomorrow, another movie with a friend and chilling out. On Sunday, I will be visitng museums with a friend. Please pray for my uncle. Just received a bad news that he has been suffering tremendous pain daily because of cancer . I am not sure if my aunt can cope with it. Hopefully, her daughters and sons-in-law will support her. My uncle has been in and out of the hospital often due to the pain. This family is a loving family. They really love one another dearly. Hope that they can overcome this ordeal and become stronger. Ok, I am going off liao. If you miss anyone or suddenly think of a person, contact him or her or ask him/her out to spend quality time together. Don't be like me, living with regrets forever. She ever promised me she would try my curry puffs. But, it would never happen again. I have always wanted to ask her out for meals. But due to my pride, I did not. And, it would never happen again.

With Love ,
Elena

Lemonade out of Lemon but never Orange Juice out of Lemon!

Things have not been running smoothly for me. First of all, I have to continue doing the stupid presentation slides, collating all the achievements from different groups and the slides have to be interesting with some animation using PowerPoint. I have been facing this set of slides for more than a month. Why do I call them stupid slides? I am forced to do them and yet we know that the monster is going to reject my hard work. I seldom invest my time and efforts on meaningless and fruitless projects. And yet, I am force to do so just before I leave. I am doing these slides because my colleague who is pregnant asked me to help out. If I do not do it, the job will land on her. When my RO asked the scholar to help me wioth the slides, he simply sent me a very long email of comments. That obviously did not help me. I kept quiet. My RO got pissed off and asked my pregnant colleague to guide me. When my RO came back for a meeting, then he sent an email to ask me how the slides were coming along. That was really smart of him, doing the right thing at the right time in front of the right people. If not, during my RO’s absence, he simply did not care. That is how these people promote fast in my organization.

Beside my current job which will be ending at the end of this month, I also have to send resumes and application letters for new jobs. If there are any interviews, I need to claim time off for these interviews. These places may be far away and may not be easily accessible. So far, I only managed to get one interview. I am feeling very drained. When bad things come, they come together.

A few days ago, just before I went for an interview in the West from my workplace, it began to rain cats and dogs. I was quite drenched on my way to the MRT station near my workplace. After alighting at the stop of destination, the sole of one of my shoes came out. I could not remove the sole as the heel was getting in the way. I was limping my way to take a cab to the place for interview. Surprisingly, instead of cursing and swearing, I looked at my shoe and thought of how to salvage the situation as it would not be nice for me to reach there with the sole half dropping out in front of the interviewers. I asked the cab driver for rubber bands. He gave me three rubber bands. Guess what? They work. I tied them around the shoe, using the ribbon on the shoe for the leverage to prevent the rubber bands from slipping off. I managed to go for the interview and struggled my way home. When I reached the place for my interview, there was no reception counter. All the partitions were built high up. The office was deadly cold and quiet. If a pin dropped, I could hear the pin. I was blessed that one of the staff could tell I was lost and helped me to get the interviewer. She was having her lunch when the interview should start in less than 5 minutes’ time. During the interview, another interviewer who was the head of the department joined us. The 45 minutes of interview was very disruptive. She was out to attend to her phone calls for 15 minutes while the phone kept on ringing for the remaining time. I just stared at the phone each time it rang. She felt so embarrassed that she hid the phone behind her. I do not understand where her professionalism has gone to. If she is not sincere in employing people, don’t waste our time. I wasted my time, efforts and travelled all the way there just to see her answering her phone. Nevertheless, I am thankful that despite all obstacles along the way, instead of lamenting and swearing, I have managed the situation well.

What I gather is life can get tough. Frankly speaking, I am sick of the life here with some FTs choosing not to blend into our culture but have chosen to be rude and aggressive. I do not have any objection against them coming here as they have their ways of contribution. But, I am very sick of them pushing through their ways to grab seats in buses, taking up a lot of space in sardine packed trains and yet still yelled at us when they have pushed us, a few of us got scolded and yelled at by them when they were wrong, they would slam the doors and gates waking the babies in my home up crying, racing their bicycles at the expense of the safety of pedestrians, etc. I feel that this country is getting smaller with no space to breathe. I am not sure if their contributions here can justify the social problems from them. It is tragic to see some of them kill themselves here. I even witnessed my Chinese neighbour dying on the spot after jumping from my block which took me two weeks to get over the trauma. I really pray to get out of here. I do not feel safe here. I have no space to breathe. I get very irritated daily in buses. People tried to push. When they sit down, they will always come into my space and I am driven into corners. At work, I am driven into corners by my heavy workload and micromanaging monster who causes a lot of tension. My colleagues behind me keep on scolding and swearing loudly over work matters until I lose my focus totally and get frustrated. No amount of massage and seeing doctor can relieve my insomnia, symptoms and pain.

Now, I am just trying to do what I can to survive. I always believe in lemonade out of lemon. If I were a lemon, I do not expect orange juice out of lemon. I do not expect myself to marry rich man and be happily ever after. This happens only in fairy tales. I do not expect myself to have any chance to go for higher learning. I can’t even hold on to a job for long due to certain suspected condition. How can I ever go for higher education with the higher expectation of focus and attention to details? Whatever I am blessed with, such as my talents (not sure what), personality, temperament, interest and other resources that I have, I am trying to find ways to see what I can do about my life as I do not believe in getting sympathy from others and expect others to help me nor trying to be who I am not nor just lamenting and complaining and yet doing nothing about it. I do hope to have a chance to stay overseas for a period of time where the big city can hide my difference or eccentricity since there would be many people who are as weird as me and some countries are more accepting of people who are different from the majority. I do not even mind washing dishes or any manual jobs overseas. I just need some space to rest and enjoy life as who I am even if it comes with hardship.

I have watched the Secret Garden for the second time as my reflection. Earlier on, I have mentioned about my descent into the underworld for soul searching. I am lost now. I have used the Secret Garden as my inner world, enhancing my active imagination. Of course, I am not expecting to meet any rich guy who will marry me like the one in the show. In reality, let’s face it, it is never possible. At least, it will never happen to me. As I was watching the show for the second time for reflection, one scene captured my attention and I found it beautiful. The female leading character lost her parents at young age and she was poor and had to survive as a stuntwoman where she had injuries all over her body. She swapped her soul with a rich man who liked her and the man realized the injuries all over her body as he was in her body. It was funny that the rich man simply could not believe he loved her as he always went for the best things, food and even woman in life. At first, he kept on telling the woman that she was just a mermaid who would disappear into foam as she looked ugly, poor and tomboyish and she was nothing to him. This captivating scene started by him telling her he would be the mermaid who would stand by her and support her quietly and disappeared into foam instead when the time came for him to be forced into marrying another woman by her mother for business purposes. What struck me was he went to see her just to give her a hug and told her he welcome her as who she was after they have swapped their souls back into their own bodies.

As I was watching this scene, it suddenly came to my mind about the rich embracing the poor and the poor appreciating this embrace, eliminating the gap between social classes. In Christianity, there is no such thing as social class. Social classes are set by human beings to differentiate themselves as superior or inferior so that they may abuse the lowly ones in some ways. Social classes may well be their ego boost. When the rich and handsome man embraced the poor, ugly her, that scene touched me. Does that happen in reality? How many of us embrace the poor, widows, sickly and any other underprivileged brothers and sisters in our lives? How often do we ostracize people who are not as likeminded as us or not as rich or influential as us? How many people have we abused even verbally? I admire the female leading character in this show. She did not force herself to go up to the level of the rich man. She simply continued to be who she was and she accepted that she could never measure up to his perfect standard.

One thing I admire about the male character was he was all out to protect her and went down to her level to walk with her despite his mother’s objection and other people’s mockery though he might have abused and hurt her with his actions and words at first. It is also not easy for him to come down to that level to love her as who she was with all the rejection and despise from his own social circle. It takes a lot of courage to do so. That also comes to my mind how many of us have that courage to do what is not popular and yet right with God instead of pleasing others. Do we even try to connect our own little worlds with the little worlds of the poor, sickly and underprivileged people? One part which captured my attention was when the rich man went to her house to wait for her and embrace her instead of him expecting her to go to him. Most of the time, when we feel more superior that someone, we expect the deemed lowly ones to come to us, emphasizing on our importance and position in the society. The act of this rich man going to her and even waiting for her just to embrace her and welcome her as who she was expressed his unconditional love for her. Have we ever made the move and approached the lonely ones, sickly ones, elderly ones and the less fortunate ones to express our love for them and celebrate their existence and worth in the world as they are also children of God?

I enjoy my stay in this Secret Garden. It may be a lonely garden but God is there with me. On this Sunday, I am celebrating the existence of my mum. I may not agree with her on many things and she is not my best friend. But, the fact is that without her, I would not be brought into the world. At least, she did raise me up for the first decade. We are going to have high tea buffet at the Carousel restaurant. I am also very happy that my grandfather can finally go home tonight. Good for him to get out of that trash bin. It hurt me to see the fireflies feeding on his infected raw wound on his leg when I visited him a few weeks ago. I hate to see that. He is a human who used to contribute to the society and raised his children up who are contributing to the society now. He is not a trash to be dumped for the insects to feed on. I think he must be rejoicing to go home. My relatives wanted him to stay there as four meals would be provided and caretakers are there to take care of him. My grandfather objected. I also objected when my mum told me that. Ask them to stay there for three days. See what they will say. I do not agree that we put someone there so that it is convenient for us unless the environment is clean and nice. For that kind of dump area, I totally object. I know my grandfather would want to go home to enjoy family life. At least, he is going home. Hurray for my grandfather! On Monday, I am going for my Newpaper Big Walk. Yes!! Time for fun with my friend. As for tomorrow, it is my Bong Bong’s (godson cum nephew) graduation day. So cute! Going to see how he performs.

Ok, it will be a meaningful and busy weekend for me. No matter where you are, enjoy your weekends. Weekends are especially important for us to spend time with our loved ones and friends, especially for busy working people and working parents. So cute! There are many baby photos appearing on my facebook page. Many friends have given birth. Congratulations to them! It is a blessing to have children at home. I begin to appreciate that as my nephew and niece are in my house until night daily during weekdays. Find them noisy at times but I enjoy their presence. My nephew is getting naughtier. When I see him, he reminds me of the toddler me. I was much worse. My niece is getting chubbier. I love to see her wearing pink. She looks like Miss Piggy. I always call her Muppet Baby. She would always chuckle whenever I say ‘Pink Pig!’ I love her a lot. I am still praying that she does not have to remove her kidney when she turns one and a half year old next year. Really do not want to see her suffering from the operation. She is very chubby, cute and nice with two dimples. How would anyone want to see such a cute baby going through such trauma?
Back to my boring slides. Luckily, it is half day today as we are all going out for telematch at Woodlands Waterfront if I am not wrong. I am not even sure which games I am playing. God bless.

With Love,
Elena