The Fast and Steep but Sickly Flight to the Sky

It has been a week full of changes at work. My department is the most affected department. I was only away for 4 days over the long weekend and was shocked to receive the news of my DD promoted to GD and my GD promoted to DCEO in another goverment agency and even my big boss who is the Minister of National Development also changed after that. Even since I joined the organization in mid December last year, things have been changing so much. I simply have got no time to settle down. Changes range from IT system and computers changing to another new systems and computers for the whole organization where I am the coordinator for my department, procurement process getting very strict and papers written needing more justification for our purchase, my ever changing roles, my adjustment to ever changing directions, decisions and moods of the monster, last minute changes to presentation slides even the evening just before the event, change of workstation to be just one metre away from the monster to many other small changes. Every change comes with stress. So, many changes mean higher stress level. I have been facing changes even before I have time to settle down. Till now, I have not really settled down at work with so many major changes streaming in which the existing staff here are also getting confused.

Hopefully, the change for the monster to go up higher will be good for my department as we do not have to deal with her directly. My colleagues from other departments and mine can forsee that all of us will suffer under her as she tends to micromanage and does not show any compassion or support to staff. Well, I have no comment. As long as God wills it for her to be promoted, it is up to her to change for the better or to become more like a monster. I am just relieved that my whole department does not have to report to her directly. If the new boss for our department comes, he/she will have to deal with her directly. Personally, at least, I do not have to sit so near her and get the high risk of being scolded by her as I tend to be loud and need music to work and concentrate while she needs absolute silence. Now, she is promoted. Good for her. At least, she has a room for herself and all of us will be spared from her chiding. It is also good for her to get promoted. Now, she is going to have a few departments under her. I will see how she can shift all the blame to staff. I don't think the bosses for each department will swallow the pills as easy as the staff in my department. It may be a chance for her to start growing up and taking up her own responsility as a leader.

I will be going to Hong Kong next week by budget airline. I remember one bad experience in a plane by budget airline. I was on my way to Kuala Lumpur. It was departing from Singapore. When it was departing, my nightmare came. The plane was flying up so steep and fast that I almost puked. My whole body system was very upset after that and I could feel my food up to my chest choking me. Guess what I did. I ordered spicy cup noodle which cost me $8. Damn expensive lo. The funniest part was the air crew announced that the plane was going to arrive at the KL airport soon even before I could start eating my noodle!! In the end, I felt like a snake swallowing my noodle without biting it. One precious lesson I learn is never ever order cup noodle when travelling on a plane to KL unless you want to have a taste of being a snake swallowing your food without enough time to chew it and let the stomach do the job of digesting the food. Ok, joking!!

Jokes aside. One thing I learn from both the promotion of the monster and my bad flying experience is they share the same trait of going up too high and fast for one to cope with. From the bad flying experience, I felt sick as I could not take the steep and fast flying up to reach the sky. For the monster, she has been promoted so fast that she is sick emotionally and mentally through her expression of anger and her act of getting out of control and stepping on everyone's feet and hurting her staff under her. It is very obvious to us that she can't cope with the stress of managing our department and her stress. When things go wrong, she simply refuses to take up the responsibilty as a leader and pushes every blame on the staff who handles the things. She will pick on every small petty thing and blow it big when she is under tremendous stress and gets thrown out of balance. I was even shocked that she would stomp her feet while walking when she is angry or upset. I thought only kids will do that. She can only handle one thing at a time which is why by the time instructions from her comes to us, we do not have enough time to prepare for the events. All of us under her will have to speed up alot more and get very stressed out coping with her fluctuating moods and ever changing directions at the same time since she does not even know what she wants. She is literally sick during those times and throws her tantrums on us. Now, she has managed to step on all of us to climb 2 levels higher. I have no issue with her getting promoted. Good luck to her. We all know that she can't even cope with the stress and work within our department. How is she going to cope with the work and stress of a few departments under her with her new position? Truth will come out one day to the top management that she has been depending on all of us to go up and hurting us to get what she wants without supporting us at all. She is capable of pinpointing us and pushing blame on us, especially in front of the other departments and the top management. I have got it a few times from her even as a new staff. Some of my colleagues' self esteems and morales are affected by her. She better transform within and become a serving leader who work well with staff and be considerate towards all of us. If not, her new position will only magnify and expose all her negative traits to the top management since the stress for the new position is much higher and the responisbility for that position is very much heavier and it is more difficult for her to find any one staff to blame for anything failed.  Hopefully, she will see her new position as a platform for her to grow and be a better person who seeks to love and serve with integrity, especially when she is a cvil servant who is supposed to serve all the Singaporeans.  She is a staunch Christian. I know God has answered my prayer of intervening and stopping her from abusing all of us in the department directly. At least, we do not have to be abused by her face-to-face. Our boss for the department will deal with her. Most importantly, I really hope that my prayer for her to be transformed to be a Christ-like leader will be answered. If not, more people will suffer under her. I know it takes time for a person to change. I really hope that she will change not just for her own good to be a more complete and balanced person but also for all the staff under her. If not, I can forsee people here going against her and this place will turn into a battle ground. They told me she used to be very nice. I really hope that she will go back to the nice her.

I have learnt from this incident that one must never climb up too fast that one falls out of balance. Sometimes, it takes a lot of moulding and time for one to learn how to take up the heavier responsibilty coming with higher position. It may seem glorious to be up there. But, if one is still not mature, wise and strong enough to ocuupy that position, one will fall sick in any forms be it physically, mentally, emotionally or even spiritually. When one is out of balance, he/she will go to extremes in his/her behaviour, words and mannerism, hurting himself/herself and others. If God wills it, one does not have to be unscrupulous to step on everyone to be a leader. Take some time to ponder. Did Jesus go around harming or killing everyone like King Herod to stay secure as a leader? Did he blaspheme or gossip about anyone just to feel superior and tell others that he is much better than the others? Take a few moments to ponder what kind of leader Jesus is. What traits do you desire in him as a leader in God? Then, visualize yourself as a leader like him. Visualization is very powerful. It will tell the brain to behave in the way it has visualized. How far are you away from him as a benchmark to be a Christ-like leader who seeks to serve but not to be served? If you are still far away from it, do not give up. Jesus is with and in you to mould you since God has given you the chances to be a leader. It is never too late to change. There are also people who work with and under you. They may be God's tools to speak to you to change for the better. Listen to their feedback to you. If they criticise or insult you, are there any elements of truth in them? If yes, thank God for such criticism and insults as they are tools for you to walk closer to holiness. If not, sympathize with theses people and just pray for them as they are poor in spirit tortured by their inadequacy. They need your prayers as their leader. By praying for them sincerely with Love, your heart also expands to be more and more accepting of more people and you also grow as a more complete person going closer to holiness. You will also realize that you will no longer be agitated by people who are different from you easily as your expanded heart is more loving towards more people, thus expanding the Kingdom of God.

Ok, enough of my sharing here. Really can't wait to go to Hong Kong on next Thursday. Have to get all the necessary items for the trip over the weekend. Really can't contain all the excitement in me. Hurray! Weekend is coming. Watching 'Pirates of the Carribeans ' with my friend later. No mood to work now. Now, I am taking a break at work as my role for the 27 May event is not major. Things are going well for me with the slower pace at work in the midst of so many changes. I hope that these changes at work are for the better.  The monster is too busy to micromanage me. Enjoy my peace while I can. Enjoy your weekend too!!  :)

With Love,
Elena

Bravo to my strong girl!

On Sunday, I was prompted to go with my niece for her checkup which was scheduled yesterday. When I reached home, I was requested to go for my niece's checkup with my brother-in-law as my sister could not take leave yesterday since she is still very new to her new job and the boss would not be happy with her taking leave. Besides, she needs to take more leave in the near future for her daughter's condition. So, I took urgent leave at the last minute smsing my team mates and reporting officer at work on Sunday night. I know I may get sacked by the monster or she may find this situation as her excuse to get rid of me. But, after weighing the pros and cons, nothing is more important than kinship. I can always look for another job but I can not have another exact beautiful niece of mine. If my organization wants to fire me because of this urgent leave, so be it. It just shows that this organization does not take care of the welfare of the staff. Besides, we thought my brother-in-law could not handle things alone in the hospital. I decided to go ahead with my urgent leave.

My niece is only three months plus old. She was the youngest patient around for the checkup when we were there. For this checkup known as the nuclear medicine, she had to fast for at least three hours just in case she needed the sedatives to keep her still throughout the scan on her both kidneys. Before the scan, she was required to to have needle inserted into her vein of her small hand for the isotope to get into her body so that the machine which she would be put under would pick up the pictures of her kidneys clearly after the isotope were absorbed by her kidneys. Sounds simple but torturous for a three months plus old baby like her. The whole procedure pained me within. Luckily, my sister was not there. If not, it was going to have a major negative impact on her.

The nurse brought my niece into a small room for the insertion of the needle for the isotope to go through into her body later. They locked the room. My brother-in-law and I were sitting on the sofas which were at least two to three metres away from the room. Guess what? We heard her crying loudly from the room. The nurse came out carrying her and told us she was too young and her veins were too short. The nurse did poke the needle in but not into the vein. To me, I was thinking to myself,' Wow lau, what the fuck! No wonder she was crying so loudly and painfully as if someone had scourged her to death.' I did not scold the nurse as I could see that they were all trying their best to help. Then, they tried to call a doctor a few times to come down and insert the needle into her vein as my niece was crying for milk while waiting. I was quite impressed by my niece. She cried bitterly in her father's arms as if complaining to her father and started to play with us shortly after. When the doctor came down and inserted the needle into her vein, she cried very loudly and bitterly in the room. And, again, she cried bitterly as if complaining to her father for a short while before she played with us again, talking to us in her baby language again, showing us her two beautiful dimples. Her bouncing back to her normal self was very fast compared to the other children in the same area for similar procedures who screamed and shouted and cried much longer than her.

In the room for nuclear medicine, she was wrapped up to a platform before being pushed under a scan for her kidneys. She cried for while at first. Then, the technician allowed my brother-in-law to feed her with milk. I was quite impressed by her again that she managed to sleep deeply despite her fear. Brave girl! She did not need the sedatives for her scan at all. She managed to keep absolute silence and stillness in her deep sleep. My heart dropped when we did not see her right kidney appearing on the screen after more than half an hour while the left kidney had shown very clearly on the screen. I knew something was not right. The techinicain explained to us it was either that right kidney had a delayed effect or absorption of the isotope or her right kidney did not function at all. He asked us to go back for the extra scan to see if her right kidney would absorb the isotope and would be shown on the screen. We went back after our meal. She was wrapped up again. She felt uncomfortable and cried for a short while before she kept still looking around. By then, the isotope in the body had subsided and nothing was shown on the screen except the diaper which was full. I asked the technician what happened again though I knew the answer. She did not want to give me any answer and asked us to get the answer from the doctor on the 26 May. I released the news to my sister. My sister knows what is going to happen as the doctor had mentioned to her that if my niece's right kidney did not show on the screen for this nuclear medicine, it is not functioning at all and may need to have it removed when she is one year old.

Shit lo!! I am speechless. My sister even asked me what she had done wrong to have her daughter punished instead of herself. She told me it was her retribution not on herself but on her daughter. I did not know what to say but to tell her it is just like striking 4-D. There is explaination why she gets it out of so many billions of people. At the back of my mind, I think it is going to be a long and arduous journey for my niece. No words can describe how I feel inside after going through the painful checkup with her today. More to come. I can't imagine her to have to go through so much more in the future. All I pray for is a miracle. Hopefully, the right kidney will develop well and the cysts will disappear by themselves by the time she reaches one year old. All of us are praying very hard now. On Sunday night before her checkup yesterday, I was lying on the bed with her, looking at her into her eyes and talking baby language to her. She was smiling very sweetly and tenderly and responding me with her baby language. Though I did not understand her baby language, the gap between us drew much closer. I felt connected with her. It really pained me to see her going through such painful procedure on the next day.

I have learnt one valuable lesson from such a young and tender baby through such painful procedure. She was true and bounced back very quickly from her pain to her usual self and still managed to bring joy to us with her smile and baby language after expressing her pain and agony though her short loud cry.  How many of us face the truth and express the feelings within and bounce back quickly without holding on to any grudges and grievances and blaming the whole world? I do not deny that a baby cannot complain much due to her limitation. What I am trying to say is that I have learnt from her about being true to myself and others and bounce back from the setbacks and mistakes. Like my niece who had no choice but to go through the painful procedure, we, too, in life, may have to go through 'procedures' which may be painful to face at times. Do we just brush them off, pretending that they never happen and more and more of us become dysfunctional or we examine what goes wrong and see what need to be overcome and healed to be more complete in God? Even if some parts are dysfunctional, we will realize them and accept them as parts of ourselves and see how we can change or adjust ourselves to lead more complete lives. In the case of my niece, if she has only one kidney to live on, she may need to take extra care of her diet and daily living, etc. to continue to live as who she is while contributing to the world in her own unique ways. Who knows she may be able to share her life with and help the others with similar situations as hers in the future? Who knows such a condition builds her character and inspire others with her strength and courage? We will never know. People, especially her loved ones, will need to accept her as who she is and do their best to nurture and love her so that she will be filled with such love that she will share this love with the others. We cannot suffer for her but we can do our best to accept and love as as who she is, including her condition. We can give her our support and let her know that she is not going through it alone but together with us who love her. I will just do what I can to help and support her. I will continue to pray for her as I always believe in prayers.

Thanks to God for giving me this opportunity to got through the nuclear medicine with my niece that I learn such courage and quick rebounce back to usual self after the pain. Despite her pain, she brought us her smile and baby talk. How about I who am adult with much more capability to bear responsibility and maturity and choice than her? Do I just complain and blame the whole world for my mistakes and setbacks and continue to hold on to grudges and bitterness? If so, am I not ashamed of it after the lesson I have learnt from her yesterday? Am I not a coward to face my own feelings?

Ok, that is what I have learnt from my niece who is just three months plus old. It also reminds me nobody is too young to teach us life lessons. It is a matter of whether I am humble and open enough to learn from different sources, even from infants who seem to be useless. The more humble and open I am, the more I learn and the wiser I am in life and the closer I am to Christ. That's all I can share from this lesson. Hey, I have recently bought three cactus and a pot of money plant from IKEA for my office. The reason for this is I want to tone myself down by placing plants at my workstation to cool myself down and to colour my worklife since I really dread facing the cold blooded monster and my temper is getting more and more explosive nowadays. By placing some living plants at my workstation, I am reminded of God's creation and not become as dead as a cold steel exposing to such harsh and cold working environment. Ok, very excited to meet my best friend in town in the afternoon to discuss our Hong Kong trip next week. Can't wait to get out of here for a complete break away for awhile. Hurray!! Holidays coming my way!!I can explore as a free spirit again!!

With Love,
Elena

The abstract language of Love requires sincere Christ-like action to be experienced deeply

Just come back from a date. Whahaha...Watched a movie 'Priest' at Bishan. My friend sent me back home. On my way home, he switched on FM 95.0 and it was playing all dance music. Wa lau, I was feeling very hyper as my friend was speeding. I felt the adrenaline rush through my blood. Really miss my younger days when my friend sped in Malaysia while they were on pills with the music blasting in the background. I love speed. I may take up driving courses to learn how to drive. Then, I can speed legally somewhere. Woo hoo...I love speeding. My close friends all know how much I love to speed when they went for go-kart with me, especially with obstacles along the way and I tried to swerve them with full speed. I ever missed the 'Go Slow' sign and my go-kart car almost rushed out of Level 3 of the track. In the end, I managed to control the car. I love adventure. Woo hoo....I simply love the feeling of music blasting in the background while speeding on the empty road with the wind slapping my face. I love speed. Hurray!!

One of the scenes struck me in the 'Priest' show. It was the part when a priest went for his confession in the confessional and his 'confessor' was just a pre recorded video with a 'confessor' in the video giving absolution and penance. The priest who confessed his sins got frustrated as he kept on getting the same answers from the virtual 'confessor'. Wa lau, when I watched that, I complained to my friend who is a non Christian. Though I no longer go to church, I still respect the sacraments lo. What human touch is there and how do the people experience the Spirit of Love and mercy through the Sacrament of Reconciliation from God if there is no human confessors around to have this human touch? I can't imagine all Catholic churches have these pre recorded videos to absolve people's sins and give the same advice through such pre recorded videos. What the crap! Might as well close the church when there is no Spirit of Love to be experienced through the priests in real time as the confessors to speak the words of love and forgiveness for the people to experience God's Love and mercy through hearing them from the mouths of the confessors in real time for themselves?

I have also watched another show at NEX with a friend on Friday. It was 'Beastly'. It was about looks and packages and material wealth being not the most important factor when it comes to true love. There was this scene when the guy who loved the gal kept on buying all sorts of branded stuffs for this plain gal whom he loved, thinking that the gal would look for material wants and appearance in a romantic relationship, just like all his materialistic girlfriends. The gal rejected all the gifts he sent. Then, the guy's housekeeper asked him to think with his heart and asked him to understand the gal deeper and then provide her with what she needed but not what he thought she wanted. Then, the guy made the extra efforts to spend more quality time with her and tried ways to find out what she needed. In the end, all it took was just a few boxes of gummies to cheer the gal up. Though cheap, it was what she liked but not what he thought she liked. Ultimately, as a person who used to be popular in school for his looks and fame and wealth before he was cursed by a witch to become ugly and the only way to break the curse was to get a person who truly loved him beyond his ugly apprearance to tell him sincerely, 'I love you.', he even went down to the gal's level to learn some manual skills and built a green house to express his love to her. He went all ways to protect her from harm by quietly following her to protect her and to rescue her from danger out of his love for her. He was even silly enough to tell the gal he liked those things which the gal told him he liked. He tied to get into her world and touched her heart with his heart.

I agree that if a person truly loves the other person, he will find ways to know her at a deeper level, just like exploring the other side you himself since she is already part of him. He will do all he can to protect her from harm and insults. He will trust her. Trust is one of the most important ingredients in a strong relationship. It is that faith in that person and God that the relationship continues to stay strong even during tough times and conflicts. He trusts that the person truly loves him and God has sent this person to be part of him to grow as one if it is God's will for her to be his spouse. He trusts that God will take care of everything as long as he let go of his own control to let God work through the person in this Love.  To me, keep all the love within the heart is bullshit. How can the other party know you love her if it is all kept in your heart? I only see these people as having no guts and being cowards. If keeping the love in the heart is enough, then, God would not have sent Jesus down to earth as a Son of Man to be tortured and die for us to express how crazy and intense His Love is for us. He could just have kept all this Love in his 'heart' and Jesus did not have to be tortured and died. Therefore, acts of love is important. It must be done with sincerity and patience. To begin with, it is all about acceptance and forgiveness of the other party. In the show, if that gal tolerated with his ugly look, how much could she take it as more and more people mocked and humiliated him? How much can a person tolerate within herself? Sooner or later, it would just like a volcano eruption hurting not just herself but also the other party. Rather, she accepted him as who he was beyond his sppearance. She accepted his whole being including his flaws and ugliness. It is only through acceptance and forgiveness that true love stands. One sentence struck me as mentioned by the guy at the end of the show, 'Love changes everything' after the gal had told him she loved him and the guy regained his good look from her verbal expression of love, claiming that he still loved her which the gal found it impossible that he loved her as a plain girl with her complicating and poor family background in the end. Love does change everything. If not, why would love be always so magical beyond rational thinking and understanding? Why would people still want to fall in love in the world even if it hurts? It is beyond the horizon.

To me, this show is the modern version of fairytale. I was touched by the show and wondered if this would ever happen to me. I am a very practical person. The answer is 'No!' to me. It will be a miracle if this would ever happen to me. Even now, facing a lot of stress and problems, I am handling it alone. Who will qiuietly walk with me and protect me and stay by my side no matter what? Who will be so silly to forgo his fame and popularity and give up everything just to walk with the plain me? Yup, it did happen when I was younger and not that ugly yet. Now, I am fat and ugly and have been poor with poor health. Who would want to bring me out as part of him to feel proud of me being part of him? I don't mean I am inferior lah. But, this world has focused on appearance and status quo and class very much and I do not fall into those high calibre categories. I have none of them according to the worldly standard though I know God will never forsake me.

Ok, enough of my writng here. It's already three plus in the morning. Going to sleep now. Have to go IKEA with friends in the early afternoon. Sigh! I have just moved my workstation to sit outside the monster. I am still thinking if I should quit. She has pushed all her blame on me when things do not go her way or the top management does not agree with what she does. The worst thing is she would promise a lot of nice things in front of other people that she would help me or keep things simple so that I can do well. Then, at the back of everyone, she would throw things to me and make them more complex at the last minute without helping me at all and even expect me to step on everyone's toes just to get what she wants.  I am stressed out not because of my workload but because of her. After the incident of her sending a harsh email to me, pushing all the blame on me and cc my RO and colleague in the early morning this week, they are also scared of her, feeling insecure and shocked by her self centered behaviour and wondered if they would get into trouble like me. Even my RO shook her head and felt sorry for me. Sigh! I am really stuck. How I wish I can do my own business. Though still not easy and can be stressful, at least, I do not get all the blame. How much I put in will be how much I gain. At least, no blame or accusation from anyone above me. Now, for my position, I will be handling money matters for my department soon. I am afraid of ending up in jail as she tend to push all blame on her staff when things go wrong. All of us have got it. Besides, she did purchase something without consulting me if there was enough budget for a project as I was in charge of the budget for that part of the project. In the end, I had to figure my way out of the trouble and I managed to get out of it as the figure was small. If the figure was big, I would be in deep shit. I am very worried. She is the worst boss I have ever met. She was trying to imply to other staff from other departments that she got their help because her subordinates were incompetent to produce the work she wanted. Guess what? It backfired. People just shook their heads and told my colleagues she should guide us, especially for me who is still new to the orgainization, instead of stepping on us. I am damn tired lah. Have not visited my grandfather for three weeks liao as I have been catching up with my sleep and taking supplements to adjust my body. Wanted to go for a jog at the stadium and visit my grandfather after that yesterday but overslept as I was too tired. My friend told me I looked pale. Luckily, I am going to Hong Kong from the 26 May to the end of May. If not, my boss wants to squeeze me again for the major event on the 27 May. Nowe, they have no choice but to remove me from the major role of this project and I can still have some space to breathe before I 'cheong' for another important event in July. My other team mates are suffering as she has been shouting at some of them for this major event in May. The Yam Ah Mee songs and photos done by the Singaporeans cheered me up. I laughed until my colleague laughed at me. So funny. I even so 'bo liao' and 'like' him on his facebook and left a comment which someone went to 'like' it. Life has to go on whether I am happy or sad. Might as well try to cheer myself up and be positive. Even if nobody likes me, so be it. I know God loves me. I have a few loved ones and friends loving me. Those people who do not like me or care for me have left my life liao. So, just move on liao. See where God is leading me to now. Will I ever have a chance to go for higher education or go overseas for a new life? Just yearn for a new lifestyle. I am really very tired of my current lifestyle now until I am literally sick. Meanwhile, I will wait for the new life to come be it getting married, new life overseas, higher education, travelling around the world, etc. I just need to start anew with a change to my current lifestyle as I feel stagnant now. Being stagnant to me is being dead. I really hope to have a complete change of lifestyle to continue to grow to be more complete as a person to love better and better to be more Christ like while experiencing God's Love deeper and deeper.

With Love,
Elena

A picture of what a self centered leader at work and a loving and serving leader in Christ

This is getting too much. The monster shot me with an email. early in the morning to warn me of my performance. I had one major event which involved the whole group of staff including a few departments with the top management. She had asked me to do a set of the fun facts slides which was to be played for one minute. I did it and she was not happy about it and overwrote everything and told me I misunderstood her meaning. The issue was my colleague and I understood her instruction in the same way. When she first saw the draft, she did not mention that we had misunderstood her meaning until we completed it. I wasted all my time and efforts on it. She asked me to do a second draft. Then, she promised loudly in front of everyone that she would send emails to her colleagues at the same level as her to get their photos for the fun facts slides (which were not important for the event at all) and not to worry about the administrative part. Then, she went on leave without sending the emails. Obviously, that loud proclaimation had got no weight but just a vaccum. On the next day, she came to me expecting me to force the photos out of the bosses even though some of them had expressed unwillingness to have their photos taken and expected me to step on their toes.  The most insulting thing was she asked two staff from other departments to take over the fun facts slides just the day before the event without consulting their bosses first and they stayed overnight to do those unimportant slides. All of us shook our heads. What impression would they have on us? Incompetent or lazy? All of us were burnt out because of her. Changes are inevitable but not when a boss keeps on changing directions at the last minute which contradicts one another most of the time and expects everyone to step on one another's toes and expects us to do certain things which could not be delivered at the last minute just because of what she wants while making empty promises and pushing blame on everyone else. What kind of leader is that who does not own her own responsilbility and words? I had sleepless nights again due to the event yesterday. You know what? She asked me to change the other set of powerpoint slides within two hours and send it to her boss the evening just before the event. For such slides with many pictures, normally, people would take two to three days to do it. She expected me to complete it within two to three hours. On the day of the event itself, she asked my other colleague to change her slides. Everyone felt insulted and stressed out. The 'best' thing was she took leave just before the event and she pushed the blame to us that we never cleared the slides with her. Days before that, she simply refused to look at the slides or kept quiet when she happened to see some of the drafts. Who to blame? All of us suffered under her. At the end of every event, we would always feel frustrated, stressed out and burnt out. We do not mind the workload. But, the issue lies with her. She refuses to take up the responsibily as a leader and pushes all responsibilties and blame to us. She is well known for that in our department. She will go all way to get what she wants and makes empty promises. Sometimes, she has what we need for our projects but has chosen to keep them to herself, leaving us like headless chickens sourcing for those resources wasting a lot of time and energy. All of us know that. All she does is to push all blame on us and accuse us of things. Seriously speaking, she is not suitable to lead this department. She can only do one thing at a time. By the time, she passes down the instructions, it is always very late and we have to firefight at our levels. And, she would keep on changing her mind, like some mad woman.

I am still thinking if I should stay here. I don't need appreciation for my job as it is my duty to do so and I am paid for it. But, I also don't expect blame and accusation repeatedly. I will be handling money matters for the department soon. I would not be surprised if one day, something goes wrong, she would blame me for her mistakes and get me into deep shit in court. She is a good manager but sucks as a leader. She should be grateful that my colleagues in this department are competent and fast. We support one another. If not, she would be dead as she tends to focus on unimportant details and overlook the important big pictures. My silent angel has coverd up for her silly mistakes many times. This monster can't guide and lead staff. She is the worst boss I have ever seen who simply refuses to take up any responsibilty and chooses to blame everyone else but herself and tries to claim credits from the top management for all the hard work. At this point of time, I can only pray for her to be transformed. If not, pray for God to intervene and get her out of the department or get us out of her incompetent leadership if it is God's will. This department is meant for a leader who is fluid and stable who exercises a lot of flexibility and support for staff as the nature of job for this department is highly stressful. She can't make it as she is too rigid and tends to attend to small details which are not important which amazes us. She can't even handle her own stress and will shout at anyone and even finds fault over petty things which are not even issues at all if her mood is out of control. So far, we do not feel support from her at all. One abnormal matter is all of us know that she would accept the opinions from other departments and reject ours even if we are suggesting the same ideas. I do not understand why she behaves that way. What is she trying to tell the others? She is compentent and we are not? Or to get others to sympathise with her for having such incompetent department and she is too stressed out as our boss and it takes a high calibre person to handle such a department? I don't know. She does not even care if we can handle things or not and scold us loudly in front of everyone from time to time. It's all about what she wants, her fame and her image regardless of whether the ideas or goals are realistic to be attained within the very tight time frame.

I really hope that Jesus will tranform her hardened heart and mould her into a loving and Christ centered leader. I only see her in her heart with no space for Christ. I do not see her as a light. Rather, we often see the darkness around her. We only get to see the light when she is occasionally in a good mood. At the rate she goes, all of us are suffering and burning out with a lot of agony and damage to our self respect and esteem under her. Surprisingly, I do not feel lousy about myself as I know I am not as incompetent as she has accused. But, my other colleagues' self esteems have been affected by her as she keeps on putting us down with her anal personality trait. Sooner or later, things will get out of control. When the CEO talked about working in a good enviroment yesterday, my colleague rolled her eyes and I smirked. All our complaints are about her most of the time. We work with one another happily at our level. But, with her, it was like suffering under Pontius Pilate. Sometimes, I hope I can do more to help my colleagues as I see how my colleagues are squeezed and insulted by her. But, I am also squeezed by her and have got no more energy to do more. I am not sure if she knows what she is doing or not and how much damage she has done to us under her and how many people's toes she has stepped on just to get what she wants and claims her credits from the top management. If she refuses to change, she will be crucifying herself and other people may confront her.

As her subordinate, I have lost my confidence and respect for her totally. I no longer see integrity in her. But, I have learnt what a leader should not be from her, giving me a clearer picture of stark contrast between a self centered leader and a Christ centered leader by comparing her with Jesus. I keep on telling myself not to be such a leader to cause the people under me to suffer if I am called to be a leader. Meanwhile, I will do my best as a staff here and a friend to my colleagues. If I can't make it, I will just move on. My parents and friends have asked me to move on as my health is going from bad to worse and I have been feeling very stressed out and unhappiness. See where God is leading me to. I was sending my friend home to Yishun Ring last night. We walked quite a distance before reaching her home from the Khatib MRT station. After sending her home, I decided to continue to walk out of her area to get to the main road through the other route. What I discovered was I got to see different buildings in that area and the Yishun stadium was so near my friend's house. There was quite a nice temple opposite the stadium. If I had chosen to walk back the same route back to the main road, I could have missed certain things and beauty and discovery out. From the serene walk (My friend whom I sent home happens to be Serene.) at Yishun Ring, I have learnt that in life, there are always more than one route to walk. It is up to me to muster the courage and open my mind and heart to walk different routes to explore the beauty of God's creation. I love surprises. That is why I tend to explore new places. My very close guy friend had problems giving me surprises as I tend to know what would be going on and what he would be doing next. Nevertheless, I appreciated him to make the effort to give me a surprise on my birthday a few years ago. I am feeling very bored now. Really hope to have more surprises out of the the mystery of Love. If not. I will be bored to death.

With Love,
Elena

Door opened to the light

Just come back from the polling centre. I prayed before casting my vote though my individual vote may seem small and yet together with the others, each vote comes together will determine the future of not just ours but also our descendants. No matter what the results are, I really hope that those people who are supposed to be transformed, will be transformed from the lesson. It is not about me, me, me & me. It is about we, including our children. It's about the future. I really pray for God's invention for the leaders who really want to serve the people with Love to be elected so that they will use their gifts and talents for the better future for this big home which is our country. I believe that most of us, whether voting for PAP or opposition parties, want to have better quality of life In Singapore.

Personally, I do not like to vote. If voting is not compulsory, I choose to forgo the chance to vote. I believe in God's intervention. I have been to rallies from Workers' Party and PAP from Aljunied GRC which is not mine, just to listen to them with open mind and heart.I am impressed by their passion in such rallies though I am not sure who have hidden agendas or who have the true hearts to serve. Different strategies and tactics were used by different parties to win the trust and the hearts of the people and votes. I was discussing intensely with my colleague about politics yesterday. Both of us were in dilemma who to vote for though we are all civil servants. On a local GRC level, our GRCs are well maintained and taken care of by the MPs. On the national level, most of us who belong to middle income group and below are struggling to survive. Unseen worries and insecurity at the back of our minds such as the rising costs of education, exorbitant prices of flats, unbelievable increase in medical and hospitalization bills, frequent increase of transportation fees, influx of foreign talents which take up 1/3 of the population contributing to psycholgical and real threat in getting employed and staying employed, etc. without much increment of salaries since the 90's keep on toiling and tossing within. The rising cost of living correlates inversely with the quality of living. Most people in the middle income group continue to feel trapped. There is no more security in Singapore as a home. Some people do not feel they are heard and continue to endure such suffering with agony. That leads to complaints, complaints and complaints with people voting for opposition parties hoping that different voices will speak up for us in the parliament. However, one must realize that no matter how well planned policies may be or executed, they have their own flaws. No one poilcy has a one fit for all approach. From my observation, what people look for is to be heard and improvement in the quality of life in Singapore where all of us can proudly say this is a home to stay in.  We just want leaders to serve us with true hearts and have better quality of life. We need ears to listen to us and have policies planned and executed or refined to the needs of the people. We really do not want to see the stress level to survive to go up so high that more people suffer and kill themselves in the end. It is not about pointing fingers and pick on the flaws. It is about learning from lessons and improving the situations and ourselves. Certain things have to be intervenend or stopped while certain areas need to be refined before issues get out of control. Hopefully, the results of the election and agony from people expressed during the rallies should wake the relevant people up to make some improvement. The next five years are meant for those people to repent. For all of us, biases and prejudices should be overcome to give these people opportunities to improve. Who never err? As long as people are willing to change for the better, why not give them some space to change so that all of us live in better condition?

Ok, I have to go back to reality to face my own cross. Have been having headache daily which upset my whole body system. So painful that I really feel like opening my head and cleanse what is inside. Lose appetite. Maybe time for me to go on diet. I have to move my workstation to sit just outside the monster at the end of this coming week. She needs absolute silence to work while I tend to be loud and need music to stay focus on my work. Shit lo...See how I die, man. I am very stressed out and scared now as she tends to throw her tantrums whenever she likes on anyone. I have got it from her alot of times even when I am seated faraway from her. I can forsee myself getting sacked by her after the two months of scrutinity with me sitting just outside her. Sometimes, she did not like it when I tried to joke with my colleagues to lighten up the atmosphere and I got told off. I cannot be my carefree self.

Out of so many staff in my office, I am always the person who keep on going through changes. Have done a professional stress level test online. The result is my stress level is so high that I am falling sick. Well, I am having migraine almost daily. Need to depend on strong painkillers which cause damage to my gastric. Sometimes, I really feel like dying from the pain. I was talking to the silent angel in my office yesterday. She has similar health issues as me. Only then, I feel that at least I am not suffering alone. She understands how a person with bad health feels and what I am going through.  She has married someone from my organization. Her spouse got promoted very quickly after he had married her. She told me she also came from a poor family and her spouse was just an executive when she knew him. And yet, she did not marry him because of money. She married him as she had the chemistry with him. Her spouse loves her alot despite her bad health even till now. The miracle is she still manages to have two smart and active kids despite her ill health. She has to manage her family and the heavy workload in the offcie daily. She is a smart and fast person. Till now, she manages very well. I do not say that she is perfect but she is definitely a person to learn from. She gives me the hope that though in ill health, it is not the end of the world. An unhealthy person can still work well as long as she is positive. It also does not mean that no man will accept unhealthy woman or should not set up a family. There will be some rare men out there who will be willing to accept sickly women as their spouses out of Love. Now, I have more confidence that if it is God's will for me to get married and have a family, I will put my trust in God and set up a family. Meanwhile, I will work hard at work. If this job is not for me after doing my best, I will look for a suitable one and continue to work hard. I will continue to serve others with my talents and gifts wherever I go. My bosses keep on telling me that I am capable. I just need to see how I can put my talents and gifts for the good of others. God shows me through the example of the silent angel that there is always hope as long as I believe in Him. I should not impose death penalty on myself too soon, depriving others from being Christ to me. Even if I am called to be single, He will have plans for me.

Now, I am still dealing with my feelings within though I have forced myself to let go of the person as he is doinfg very well wityh joy with his loved ones and firends and supporters. He is much better off and happy without me and has forgotten me. I am happy for him. I like him but I love him even more. As for me, I have to see how to deal with my feelings. I don't know how to but I will find a way. My friend talked to me and laughed at me, advising me to change my attitude and approach towards matters of heart. She was quite amused that I treat romantic matters like IT projects where I just want to delete someone I love from my heart with a click on the button and expect and force him to do so. She is right to say that if I continue that way, the guy who loves me will suffer. So far, a few people have suffered liao. Time for me to change. I have to keep on reminding myself that the other party with me has feelings. I should be more considerate and consider what the other party is thinking and feeling. It is also time for me to repent. LOL. I will and will continue to work hard to improve if I want to have a healthy family and relationships. I do not want my loved ones and friends to suffer with me. I am not doing it alone but with God and loved ones and friends who give me the space and time and chances to change for the better and walk with me.

With Love,
Elena

Reflection on the Gospel Reading on 6 May 2011

Jn 6:1-15

With the ‘five barley loaves and two fish’, it was enough to feed five thousand men. What does it imply? The message to me is even with the little that we may have, as long as we are willing to share, God will multiply it many folds through Love. It is not the original physical things that will multiply but the results of sharing the things with Love. Then, people who have received such sharing of Love will multiply them in their own ways. They will work hard to do what is necessary to provide for the others, be it through spending time with the lonely elderly folks, buying food for the poor or working hard to provide for the family so that the children may be well nurtured and contribute to the society in the future. Note that the boy with the ‘five barley loaves and two fish’ must be willing to give them up in order for them to multiply to be shared with the five thousand men. It starts from the willingness to give up what we have for the good and love for others.


Then, the act of Jesus withdrawing ‘again to the mountain alone’ after knowing ‘they were going to come and carry him off to make him king’ further illustrates the kind deed done is not being self centered but to be Christ centered out of Love for the others. He did not do it to glorify himself. Rather, his purpose was to share such Love with the others. This act of him shows he is a serving leader but not to be served. He did not linger around for people to worship him like he was god. He did not seek popularity or had no indication of being narcissistic. Rather, after he had done what he was called to do and moved on to continue to share the Good News and work wonders in other people’s lives. Though he would go to the mountains alone for quiet time from time to time, he was never doing God’s will alone. He would always journey with the others. Only by sharing with the others, these ‘five barley loaves and two fish’ will multiply through Love.

With Love,
Elena

Jesus as the benchmark for voting wise and loving leaders

The area near my house should be happening tonight with the Pasar Malam into its last day and what's more, the Workers' Party Rally. I wonder how the crowd is going to be later especially when the field is going to be muddy. For the past few days, I have been watching a lot of rallies and edited versions of songs on Youtube. I should say that the level of entertainment is high. My brother and I were laughing away till tears rolled down my cheeks. Back in my office, my colleagues from different departments were joking about Kate Spade. Among my friends, we were discussing about such political matters.

For me, I am hardly interested in political matters though I am unhappy about certain policies here where I am one of the victims who work really hard just to survive. During one rally in Serangoon stadium last week, the atmosphere was vibrant and passion could be felt. At the same time, anger could be felt towards how certain existing policies make some peoople suffer. I can understand the frustration level especially as part of the kena stuck middle income group where I can neither get help from the government nor rich enough to further studies or send my grandfather into a better nursing home. However, what is the point of scolding vulgarities and getting violent towards PAP? What is the point of pinpointing and cursing them? Yes, we do have face issues like exorbitant costs of HDB flats, the incredible inflation rate of medical bills, the ever increasing school fees, influx of foreign talents whereby some of them not only snatch away jobs from us but also grab seats in MRT or buses and can even be rude, etc. But, we can never deny that it is still a safe country to walk around without much worries. When compared to some developing countries, we are still much better off.

It is not about complaining, complaining and complaining. Through the rallies, especially through the opposition parties, it all boils down to we want to be heard. Maybe, things have been suppressed deep within in some of us for long which is why we tend to see the emotions running high in the opposition parties rallies. Nothing worng with that as long as these emotions do not turn violent to hurt anyone. Yes, minsiters are paid highly but we do not deny that they have been doing their jobs. I always believe that there is always this Guy up there who is watching. Whether they are doing their jobs with integrity and true hearts to serve, only God knows. Who are we to judge? During this period of time from last week to the day of polling, more ugly matters will surface. But, have we ever wondered if they are true or are they just plots being set up to attack the other parties? Do we just believe blindly what others say? Sometimes, I even doubt the materials uploaded to Youtube as anyone with hidden agendas may make use of social media to gain their own benefits at the expense of the reputation of the others.

Ultimately, what we are looking for or voting for, are leaders who are serving leaders who truly want to serve the people here. We want the quality of life to improve, hoping that the cost of living won't kill us and even our descendants. Rather than being tied up into who is right or worng or pinpointing fingers which do not help the situation but aggravate further, it would be better to calm down and look at situation and discern which group of leaders to vote so that the quality of life in Singapore will go up. We want listening ears from leaders who truly care. In rallies, potential and current leaders can say what they want or promise the sky. But, it is the planning and execution of the poilices which would benefit the people out of true love for the people that will improve the situation in Singapore. When looking at the leaders, not everyone seems up to our standards. I do not believe in choosing a party based on one leader in the group. I believe in looking the team as a whole. It is not about selecting a celebrity whom we idolize. It is about leaders who will make or plan policies that will affect not only us but our children and descendants. It is about voting wisely but not just out of whether I like this particular leader in a party or not. My point is even if I dislike a leader in that party, I will still vite that party as long as I have confidence and trust that they will help us as a team. Sometimes, when we do not like that person, we may make fun of him/her or even dig into his/her past to attack him/her. However, who has never erred before? Even Jesus asked the people to cast the stone at the woman if they think that they had never sinned before. Nobody dared to cast the stone on the woman. Instead, she wa forgiven for her sinful past. So, I do not think that by digging into someone's past or making fun of the person for his/her moment's folly will improve anyone's life or issues at hands. Who knows when given opportunities for the person to improve and grow, he/she will become a good and wise loving leader with a strong team? I admit I also have a part in such jokes with my frienda and colleagues. But, I am just playful to do it for fun and laughter to entertain my friends and colleagues. It's still wrong lah. But, I still think that people do deserve second chance. If he/she chooses to prove otherwise, then she/she will face more serious consequences.

For this election, I will just discern and vote for the leaders who truly serve people. And my benchmark will be Jesus as the example. One way is to look at how the leaders support one another in the team and then other is to see how these people interact and behave towards the others. Hopefully, under stress and voices from many opposing voices, things and people will improve. It is not about self defending now. It is about pulling up the socks and truly listen to the hearts of the people these leaders are going to serve and improve on their lives out of Love. It is even more important for the leaders to have such universal love for the people in order to be serving leaders as if these people were their children. A country is just a big family. If one falls, the rest will fall in the end. So, no matter what people say, I will choose to vote wisely the leaders who are more Christ like who serve out of Love.

With Love,
Elena

God will always make a way when there seems to be no way. In my times when I am not at my best, I will pull out all of my best.

I have got no mood for anything. I am still unhappy inside even in the midst of a group of good friends. All I want is to have a long break away from Singapore. But, that can only happen at the end of this May. All I want is to have a new start, new relationship. The best way is to have a chance to stay overseas. I do not care about who is right or wrong. Whatever is past is past. I have never had any intenton to blame anyone. I just hope to move on to somewhere new. I am feeling very trapped here with a lot of work piling up. I simply have got no energy to work. I really hope to stop walking. There seems to be no way.

I was reading the facebook posts this morning. One of the messages, 'God will always make a way when there seems to be no way. In my times when I am not at my best, I will pull out all of my best.' strikes me. I know I can't give up. Once I give up, the only way is to kill myself. I really do not want to resort to that. The problem lies with I can't even figure out what the way is. Where is it? I am just wandering aimlessly. All the hopes shattered. Can't study. Can't climb up corporate ladder. No family to go back to. Even church can't accept me. What the heck! Why am I even here? I know I should not focus too much on material needs. But, how can I not? My family is depending on my brother and me. My brother is dying from contributing to the household. He has encouraged me to get out of the family situation to venture elsewhere so that I am more equipped to help him in the future. But, can I just leave him alone like that?

It's very noisy here. Where is the quiet place where I can rest? Where is the light where everyone is heading towards? Where is the water where I can quench my thirst? Where is the Love where no conditions are attached? Where am I now? Can I get out of this darkness?  Look at me now. I am fat and ugly. Have been eating nonstop to feel better but doesn't help me to feel better. Who the heck will care if I am in hell or in heaven? My existence will never beautify the world. It will only uglify the beauty of God's creation. I know I can never blame anyone but myself in every situation. Then, why am I still here?

I still don't know what I am hanging on to. I just know that I have to. Is it God who asks me to hang on through His whisper in the air? How I wish I can do whatever I like like what I had done in the past to numb all that is going on within me. But, I know I can't. My body is not mine to do what I want but a temple for the Spirit. I am trying to cope with matters alone, leaving all the people involved out of it. I am bearing my own consequences. I have never blamed the people involved. It is my fault that I can't let go of certain people no matter how hard I have tried to the point of avoidng all possible places and events. Even after stopping to go to those places and events, my heart still misses .........Why are all the feelings still lurking in my heart when I have let go of the people to have their new lives and stop all forms of communication with them? The worst thing is some shows keep on playing the scenes where similar incidents happen between the people and me. What the f**k! It is my own problem. I hate it. Why am I such a weakling? Why do we have hearts? I don't know how to deal with feelings. Why are they such difficult monsters to haunt me?

I have to keep on telling myself to continue to avoid getting those people involved. I have to keep on reminding myself that I am their history. I have to keep on scolding myself they do not care a damn thing about me and I have to stop being such thick skinned to miss them. I want them to continue to move on with their new lives. They are doing very well now. I rather kill myself than to go to them for help. If I can't deal with it, it is my problem. I will swim or sink by myself. Nothing to do with them. I have to keep on telling myself, 'God will always make a way when there seems to be no way. In my times when I am not at my best, I will pull out all of my best.' I have been praying very hard to start anew somewhere. It is still bleeding inside. All I want is to go elsewhere and start anew with new relationship. God knows I am swimming ver hard while bleeding inside. I knwo that He knows. I wonder when a warm hand will come to me and pull me out of the pit to the light or it will ever happen at all.....

In misery,
Elena

I will never be the Cinderella.

Have been back to my wanderlust life for the past few months. Enjoy it alot. My friend and I went for an opposition party rally at Serangoon stadium on the last Friday. My first time experiencing such rally. My area does not belong to that GRC. But, just wanted to see how the experience was like. Interesting. As I was walking out, I shouted the name of the opposition party for fun and the others followed. I am not sure why some people were there. No matter what, at least, they bothered to squeeze with the others there. I saw one or two ambulance sending people to the hospitals with the sirens on. This coming Saturday will be my first time voting. I wonder how it is like and I am still not sure who to vote though my preference is Nicole Seah rather than the Kate Spade girl. Nevertheless, I must never just look at the individual but should look at the whole team and how my vote will impact my life and my family. Things are not as simple as I like it and I do it. Sometimes, one small mistake is enough to give you hell. As long as I want to stay here peacefully, I better be 'wise'.

Nowadays, many shows, especially the Korean and Taiwanese dramas, tend to show the fairy tale romance where the rich men will not mind the status and backgrounds of the women from the poor families. Personally, I have never believed in such fairy tales. There is this Chinese song, 童话, sung by 光良. That song, to me, is just a fantasy that a woman imagines to deceive herself into hoping to have someone to protect and love her. My attitude towards this song is, 'Dream on lah! I believe such men will exist in other blessed women's lives but never mine.' 童话 is a lie to deceive myself. It will never happen in real life. Which guy will be so silly to sacrifce for me? He must have come from IMH. In this modern world where material wants and appearance are so important, which guy will give his comfort, status, reputation or wealth up for me to marry me? It's good to indulge into the imagination in those shows or songs to destress but one must come back to face the reality in life. Call me pessimist. Life experience has taught me to be more practical. So, to me, I will never dream of any good looking, rich and talented men to come near me, not to say to even marry me. I have never believed in fairy tale. Which guys will be so silly as to sacrifice and love me other than Jesus?

Have been going through tough time alone. Very tiring. I am not sure what I am living for anymore. Money, money & money! Where do I dig so much money for these people? If not because of my deceased teacher, I could have ended my life which is a relief to me. I can't because she had given me my second life. My life, in a way, is not mine alone but hers in a way. I know God is using her to sustain me. I am finding ways to get out of certain situation which I have been stuck in for more than 20 years and out of Singapore. At the rate I go, I am not sure how long I can endure. I am not as fortunate as most people who have spouses or partners to walk with them. Even if single, they may have supportive parents. So far, I face things alone, even the results of some medical issues. I thank God I am still standing strong with Him though I am very tired of this lonely road. The prices of items and services here keep on rising and some people here keep on squeezing money out of us even within the family. I have no space to breathe anymore. Health is failing me and I am on the verge of getting sacked if my boss thinks that my health continues to fail me for the next two months even though they claim that I am capable. I have been looking for ways to further study, find jobs in Australia but to no avail. I am still trying. I really want to get out of here as I can't breathe. Don't even have a proper place to rest and I get angry easily and it affects my job performance as my body is screaming for rest. I really need a new life. Easter Sunday is just over. My life is still not getting any better but going worse. I am still dead inside. There is no angel coming to me. Rather, the angel will never come to me as it is too dark for him to find me.

Now, all I am doing is to continue to hang on to God. I don't know how. It's either I swim or sink by myself. I am still finding ways to help myself and destress. Looking forward to going to Hong Kong at the end of May. Meanwhile, I am thrown with three major projects with ongoing tasks though I am underpaid and my health is still sufering. My boss is making my life very difficult. Really dying inside. Now, wandering aimlessly in life. I wonder why God still wants me in this world. What is my purpose of existence here?

I am a very simple person. I just want to be like any normal people getting married with the man who loves me to journey though life with me together as one and set up a family with him and have a successful career. But, I fail in every area. Sometimes, I even think that God is fooling me to send the wrong people into my life to cause my life to be upside down no matter how hard I had avoided them right from the start. Things still happened. So, it is not inevitable that everyone will find a spouse to share the ups and downs with him/her and set up family with his/her loved one. It is a blessing from God. Maybe, my friends were right that I may be destined to be an old maid in the future. Maybe. Whatever it is, I am back to my wanderlust life, shopping, clubbing, travelling around, wandering from place to place whether I like it or not. I am not sure what lies ahead. I do not feel God now but I just know that He is with me. Is this spiritual darkness? I still pray to Him though I am out of church. I have never believed that fairy tale will ever happen to me. I am contented enough that I am not fooled by people. I just hope that rich people will stay away from me if they intend to toy with people's feelings. I have no time and energy with such play. I believe other women can be Cinderella where they will be loved by their princes who love them and sacrifice for them. For me, I will never be the Cinderella.

Ok, at least, I am happy enough that I can still travel around though my health is still the big cross which has been hindering my career, study, romantic relationship, etc. Which guy will want an unhealthy spouse who may not be able to give birth with him or satisfy him in some ways? Which enployer will have compassion to accomodate sickly staff? Health, itself, is wealth. Thank God that you are healthy. As for now, I will continue to wander through life alone. I am a wanderlust with no hope of becoming a Cinderella. All I have is God with and in me now. I am not sure what is coming along the way. All I can do is to swim hard or sink. Whatever it is, hurray, time to drink and drop dead tonight with friends. Time to go clubbing and be drop dead as we do not have to work tomorrow. Cheers to clubbing in town!!

With Love,
Elena