I was chatting with my close friend through the Facebook Messenger a few days ago. I was teasing her that making move and making love is only a letter of difference. It suddenly dawns on me that making move is indeed the first step towards making love through Holy Matrimony. When two people get into romantic relationships, it requires both parties to be willing to take the risks in making the move of expressing and accepting and starting a romantic relationship. Imagine if both parties are fearful of getting hurt and are not willing to make the move to express the interest and willingness into getting into relationship. When is this romantic relationship going to start with both parties being passive? It requires two hands to clap. It requires efforts and actions from both willing parties to start and nurture the relationship. That is the starting point of turning move into love through courtship.
However, the act of making move does not turn into making love in the relationship before marriage since both parties are still in the process of trying out the relationship and making various moves of adjusting themselves to work the relationship out. Nurturing a relationship is never a one sided affair as the relationship will become lop sided with the active party ending up being drained and tired of making moves to make the relationship work, sometimes with resentment while the other being passive. How can clapping happen with only one hand carrying the action without the other? Making moves are not just expression of love towards ach other through gifts, sweet talk, spending quality time together, doing things together, etc. but also the moves of forgiving each other again and again when one has wronged the other and slowly opening up to each other with deeper intimacy and working on each other’s needs to keep the relationship going healthily. Making love at this stage is not appropriate. Why is that so? If having sexual intercourse without blessed by God through Holy Matrimony, it is just merely fulfilling the sexual pleasure or needs of the both parties. There is no covenant bound from the Holy Matrimony out of Love. Any one of the parties in the relationship does not have any commitment to the other and thus, can leave the relationship at anytime. It may lead to social problems such as abortion, single families where the children may not have complete families or the single parents may have problems or not prepared to bring the children up or sexual diseases may be spread through such acts with multiple sexual partners.
Making move into making love can only happen through the Holy Matrimony where both willing parties have the courage to sign on the lines on the covenant as blessed by God and stay connected in marriage regardless of all circumstances as professed by both parties through the marriage vows. The covenant is sanctioned through the mass with God’s blessing. Making love is meant for procreation other than satisfying the sexual pleasures. When both parties really love each other, they will abstain themselves from sexual intercourse before marriage and keep themselves chaste so that they do not treat each other as sexual tools for sexual pleasure. Rather, sexual intercourse is truly making love with the intention of bearing fruits out of love for each other. When both parties keep their chastity till the day of Holy Matrimony, the love making is truly pure merging both parties not just physically but also emotionally, mentally and spiritually, being confident and assured with conviction that the married couple truly love each other and have been keeping their own precious chastity for each other and offer it as a gift to each other out of Love on the night of consummation.
Some people mention that marriage is the graveyard of love. Well, to me, marriage is the beginning of true love as it is no longer bound by feelings but with commitment and vows regardless of circumstances. Two parties have the responsibilities of helping each other to grow and bringing out the best of each other. Path together may be tough as two different individuals have their own habits, personalities, preferences, needs and differences. That is when the married couple should be each other’s confessor, opening up to each other and connecting both worlds into one. It takes a lot of courage to admit one’s own vulnerability and for the other to see and accept each other as who he/she is with all the flaws. It is a lifetime of honest communication and adjustment of oneself to purify the marriage to be less and less self centred while more and more Christ centered towards one’s spouse. If the couple choose to blame each other for the rough path in marriage and insist on keeping to their old ways, divorce will be the result as their love is self centered than sacrificial towards the spouse. He/she chooses to serve self in this case. Marriage is a lifetime of making moves of forgiving and adjusting into making love. If making love is not carried out out of love, it is merely just for the sake of both parties treating each other as sexual tools for sexual gratification. Then, how can both parties elevate lovemaking to a level to have a taste of paradise through connection not just physically but also emotionally, mentally and spiritually for the Holy Spiritual to be in the act for procreation? If the Spirit of Love is not there, the sexual act is no longer lovemaking but just for serving self centered pleasures.
Some people may think that the idea of lovemaking only after the Holy Matrimony is old school thinking. But, does it matter if it is old school thinking? Such misconception comes from people who give themselves excuses to satisfy their self centered pleasures without being responsible for the consequences. Lovemaking is meant to create lives. Irresponsible sexual acts will destroy lives at different levels, such as transmission of sexual diseases, killing the sexual partners emotionally, suicide, rape cases, abortion, etc. A truly courageous person who is Christ centered will take the responsibility for their acts and words. If Christ centered, they will love with fidelity and are willing to love others not based on just feelings but also with dedication and wisdom. They will exercise necessary self restraint and abstinence as they see the values in them out of Love. It is never outdated to keep one’s chastity until one is married. Don’t you think you may enjoy the act of lovemaking at its highest level and pleasure with a taste of paradise knowing that both of you keep chastity as a precious gift for the unique each other in each other’s life and doing it with the full confidence that you truly love each other by being bound by the covenant and vows with the blessing from God and the Holy Spirit is working through such loving connection?
Making move towards each other is the starting point of having the courage to take the risks of getting hurt by getting into the romantic relationship where you invite each other to start walking together in Love. Then, when both parties decide to take the giant step to get into marriage out of love for each other, the two individual worlds will merge into one through Holy Matrimony where both parties have to die to themselves and making necessary forgiveness, sacrifices and adjustment of self so that the tinge of self centeredness will become less and less as the love between them is going through purification with devotion and bringing each other closer and closer towards holiness based on the foundation of God’s Love. If the marriage is nurtured with God, God will give the couple the wisdom and love to keep the relationship growing even during tough times as he focus is less on self but on Love.
That’s all for my sharing now. Very tired after visiting Van Gogh Art exhibition and KTV with a friend. Have to go to sleep now. Lead life to the fullest for life is short. Have the courage to love and pray for God’s guidance on how to love your lover with the confidence that the act of making move with conscious efforts will lead to making love if the relationship is blessed by God.
With Love,
Elena
Monday, January 30, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
On a Lonely Path From Now Onwards
Just came back from an interview and my KTV session alone. There were several candidates going for the same position. I chatted with one of them whose interview was just before mine. I was very stupid. I wished her good luck for her interview. By wishing her good luck, it would mean she gets the job and I would lose it. Without thinking much, I still wish her good luck. She is definitely more experienced and mature than me from what she has told me and the way she carried herself. I think she may get the job. Never mind. Just another failure. I work harder for the next interview. Most of the time, if I feel the person seems approachable, I will start striking a conversation. I like things to be light hearted and make friends wherever I go. I will be absolutely quiet in a group if I find people all talking at the same time trying to prove themselves to be better than others or they are just acting. For those situations, I will keep absolute silence and watch their ‘performances’ with amusement. If not, normally, I will talk and joke around. This is the true me.
My interview was a joke. There were three interviewers, comprising of two DDs from the Corporate Relations Department which I am applying to get into and a HR personnel. During my interview, we were laughing away. One DD looked very pleasant. Somehow, when I saw her, I felt I have known her somewhere. When she looked at my resume, she ‘fainted’ looking at my frequent change of jobs. She was joking about it, expressing her concern. During this interview, I went against the convention and was very honest with why I left those organizations as most bosses were abusive nasty bosses. There was no way I could excel under them and I was abused to the extent of colleagues urging me to leave the organizations as I was no longer myself. The DDs were quite surprised that my referrals were my RO and colleague from my most recent organization. I explained to them they have encouraged me to leave that place. This pleasant DD used to teach in my school where I took my GCE A Level. We digressed and talked about it abit. I joked about luckily, she did not teach me. The other DD was quite funny. She commented on the nice colour of my clothes. I am not sure how I am going to fare. I was so comfortable with them that I was joking around forgetting that I was in an interview. I think most probably, gone case since they did not find me serious. For this interview, I was honest with what I like or dislike in my job. I really do not appreciate bosses who shout at us in front of every colleague as it would be difficult to work with the colleagues with the possibility of them losing respect for us. I even mentioned that I do not mind bosses shouting at me behind closed doors. The two DDs were surprised when I said that and laughed. They even confessed they would not do that. I have the confidence that I can do the tasks which they have mentioned well since I have done that before and I also learn fast on the job. Anyway, I seem to have established rapport with them and I have promised them I would stay with the organization since it is the field and industry I am interested in and I really want to grow with the organization. I even went further to ask about the staff strength and prospects. Now, I am waiting for their reply since there seem to be many candidates. Hope they will give me the chance to start anew in my career. If not, I am getting depressed. I am very bored and am starting to feel very down. I cannot be inert for too long as I will become down quite fast since my boredom threshold is pretty low.
After the interview, I went to KTV alone. The service crew seemed surprised that I went there alone. I confessed I was in a bad mood and needed to sing my lungs out. By going alone, I am getting myself ready for lonely life. Face it. Most people around me are married or are getting married. They cannot be with me for the rest of my life. Though I yearn to have my own family with my spouse and children, I am fully aware that I cannot rush such matters as they should be blessings from God. I just have to wait patiently for the right man to come into my life and walk with me. If not, it is good for me to start this lonely life now so that I am prepared for my singlehood if it is God’s will. I really enjoyed singing alone by myself. Obviously, my mood was bad as I could not cope with certain feelings within. All my songs were heart breaking songs. I am not sure what is wrong with me. I just know I am trying very hard to do what is right with God by forcing myself to cut off certain relationship. I am taking this chance to cut clean while the person is absent. I even pray for a new relationship to start anew but it seems that it does not happen in that way. I seem to be feeling certain things from that person. Sigh!! How do I cut off?
It is rather disturbing when I sang this song which is translated from a Korean song titled ‘That Man’ by Hyun Bin from the Secret Garden into a Chinese one titled ‘那個男人’ by 楊宗緯. Hopefully, I am wrong this time. I rather be oversensitive than to be accurate in sensing certain matters. It is no fun. It is a great burden. I hate this gift at times as I cannot explain to people certain things and people think that I am mad. I also do not know why this song strikes me and seems to be talking to me, especially the Korean version with English subtitles on Youtube. Maybe, I think too much. I really pray for a new relationship to start anew and cut off all senses towards the person who has chosen to leave my life. I do not mind him leaving my life but it is very disturbing to feel how he is feeling once in awhile. Spare me lah. He has many people flocking towards him showering him with all care and attention. He has no lack of admirers and friends and loved ones. I admit I have been just nothing to him. I just hope to have a new relationship and start a family with the man who loves me and stays by my side through thick and thin if God wills it. I do not cling to hopeless relationships. I hope my senses towards the person will come to an end. He has his own things to do and who the heck will be so stupid to give up popularity and fame and supporters for a plain Jane. He is much better to be where he is in his role without worrying about retirement and basic needs like me. Whether I like it or not, I have to face the reality. Rationally, I have already cut off by not keeping in touch with anything and anyone to do with him. But, my heart is stubborn. My intuition is stubborn. Whether my heart likes it or not, I have to persuade my heart to cut off from the person. By letting go is my way of loving him to respect his decision and let him do what he wants with anyone. I know I will never see him again since I no longer step into places he will most probably appear. As long as I have feelings towards him, I will never step into those places since I am the problem.
Many friends thought that I have never faced relationship problems. I have. It’s just that I keep it under control. Having strong feelings does not mean that I can possess that person. I love him more than like him. Of course, I will dream to be with him, having a family with him and bear fruits in the love nest that we build together. I like him. But, I love him even more by respecting his decision and cutting off from him and letting go even if it is very painful for me or it may hurt him. Nobody in sound mind likes to suffer. Sometimes, love hurt. I do miss the person alot and yet I have to exercise self control not to contact him so that he can do his things with peace and continues with his new life without me in the picture. It is no denial that such missing kills inside. For him, he does not have such issues since he does not like me. I know it is stupid to love someone who does not even appreciate or love me. I know he has forgotten me long time ago. But, can love be calculated or rationalized? I am fully aware that he loves himself much more than me and I have never expected him to make any sacrifices for me or reciprocate right from the beginning. As long as he is happy with joy deep within and finds meaning in life, pain in me is worthy. I am not trying to be noble. I am far from it compared to the saints. I am just confessing what I am feeling. I am doing it alone since I seldom confide in friends on such matters. I have been praying very hard asking God to help me as the feelings and pain are eating me up inside. I do not understand why I still miss that person. Why does my heart still love him? I really cannot figure out what is wrong with me.
So, I sang it all out during KTV session and then, I went to the riverside to stone, venting all my feelings out for healing. I do not know how long it takes to overcome. But, I am trying very hard. All I have is God now. I really hope He can help me cope with it.
Maybe, I yearn for a home. I used to sit on the stairs outside my main church looking at the private houses during peaceful nights. I often wonder when I can be as blessed as them to have my own home. I wonder how it is like to build and decorate a love nest with a spouse. I wonder how it is like to get married and be someone’s spouse. I wonder how it is like to give birth. I wonder how it is like to be a mother. I really like the feeling of seeing my loved one early in the morning when I wake up. His presence is my blessing. He looks so handsome in the morning. His presence simply warms your heart. It is a treasure that cannot be bought. It is a luxury to have appreciative eyes on you. It is love that the person tries to get into your world to find common areas and interests as you and even put his pride aside to come down or up to your level. It is an honor to listen to his feelings, hardship, suffering, unhappiness or even complaints. It is a security and comfort to have someone wait for you. It is a fortune to have someone who comes close to you or want to be near you. It is silent love to have someone watch over you quietly like a shadow. I wonder how it is like to walk with someone intimately for the rest of my life without abandoning me to go elsewhere or die.
Life has to go on. I am trying and trying and trying. I am trying to get used to doing things alone, watching movies alone, jogging alone, singing at KTV alone, coping with problems and issues alone, travelling alone, going through life journey alone. I will still help others as much as I can and contribute to the society regardless of whether I am called to marriage or single life. Meanwhile, as long as the right man as blessed by God does not come along, I will continue my lonely life and try to stay balanced through my work, some friends or recreation and stay out of certain areas to avoid affecting anyone from leading more fulfilling life. I am trying and the pain entailed is worthy for a better life of my loved one....
The Lonely Woman Who Is Trying Hard,
Elena
My interview was a joke. There were three interviewers, comprising of two DDs from the Corporate Relations Department which I am applying to get into and a HR personnel. During my interview, we were laughing away. One DD looked very pleasant. Somehow, when I saw her, I felt I have known her somewhere. When she looked at my resume, she ‘fainted’ looking at my frequent change of jobs. She was joking about it, expressing her concern. During this interview, I went against the convention and was very honest with why I left those organizations as most bosses were abusive nasty bosses. There was no way I could excel under them and I was abused to the extent of colleagues urging me to leave the organizations as I was no longer myself. The DDs were quite surprised that my referrals were my RO and colleague from my most recent organization. I explained to them they have encouraged me to leave that place. This pleasant DD used to teach in my school where I took my GCE A Level. We digressed and talked about it abit. I joked about luckily, she did not teach me. The other DD was quite funny. She commented on the nice colour of my clothes. I am not sure how I am going to fare. I was so comfortable with them that I was joking around forgetting that I was in an interview. I think most probably, gone case since they did not find me serious. For this interview, I was honest with what I like or dislike in my job. I really do not appreciate bosses who shout at us in front of every colleague as it would be difficult to work with the colleagues with the possibility of them losing respect for us. I even mentioned that I do not mind bosses shouting at me behind closed doors. The two DDs were surprised when I said that and laughed. They even confessed they would not do that. I have the confidence that I can do the tasks which they have mentioned well since I have done that before and I also learn fast on the job. Anyway, I seem to have established rapport with them and I have promised them I would stay with the organization since it is the field and industry I am interested in and I really want to grow with the organization. I even went further to ask about the staff strength and prospects. Now, I am waiting for their reply since there seem to be many candidates. Hope they will give me the chance to start anew in my career. If not, I am getting depressed. I am very bored and am starting to feel very down. I cannot be inert for too long as I will become down quite fast since my boredom threshold is pretty low.
After the interview, I went to KTV alone. The service crew seemed surprised that I went there alone. I confessed I was in a bad mood and needed to sing my lungs out. By going alone, I am getting myself ready for lonely life. Face it. Most people around me are married or are getting married. They cannot be with me for the rest of my life. Though I yearn to have my own family with my spouse and children, I am fully aware that I cannot rush such matters as they should be blessings from God. I just have to wait patiently for the right man to come into my life and walk with me. If not, it is good for me to start this lonely life now so that I am prepared for my singlehood if it is God’s will. I really enjoyed singing alone by myself. Obviously, my mood was bad as I could not cope with certain feelings within. All my songs were heart breaking songs. I am not sure what is wrong with me. I just know I am trying very hard to do what is right with God by forcing myself to cut off certain relationship. I am taking this chance to cut clean while the person is absent. I even pray for a new relationship to start anew but it seems that it does not happen in that way. I seem to be feeling certain things from that person. Sigh!! How do I cut off?
It is rather disturbing when I sang this song which is translated from a Korean song titled ‘That Man’ by Hyun Bin from the Secret Garden into a Chinese one titled ‘那個男人’ by 楊宗緯. Hopefully, I am wrong this time. I rather be oversensitive than to be accurate in sensing certain matters. It is no fun. It is a great burden. I hate this gift at times as I cannot explain to people certain things and people think that I am mad. I also do not know why this song strikes me and seems to be talking to me, especially the Korean version with English subtitles on Youtube. Maybe, I think too much. I really pray for a new relationship to start anew and cut off all senses towards the person who has chosen to leave my life. I do not mind him leaving my life but it is very disturbing to feel how he is feeling once in awhile. Spare me lah. He has many people flocking towards him showering him with all care and attention. He has no lack of admirers and friends and loved ones. I admit I have been just nothing to him. I just hope to have a new relationship and start a family with the man who loves me and stays by my side through thick and thin if God wills it. I do not cling to hopeless relationships. I hope my senses towards the person will come to an end. He has his own things to do and who the heck will be so stupid to give up popularity and fame and supporters for a plain Jane. He is much better to be where he is in his role without worrying about retirement and basic needs like me. Whether I like it or not, I have to face the reality. Rationally, I have already cut off by not keeping in touch with anything and anyone to do with him. But, my heart is stubborn. My intuition is stubborn. Whether my heart likes it or not, I have to persuade my heart to cut off from the person. By letting go is my way of loving him to respect his decision and let him do what he wants with anyone. I know I will never see him again since I no longer step into places he will most probably appear. As long as I have feelings towards him, I will never step into those places since I am the problem.
Many friends thought that I have never faced relationship problems. I have. It’s just that I keep it under control. Having strong feelings does not mean that I can possess that person. I love him more than like him. Of course, I will dream to be with him, having a family with him and bear fruits in the love nest that we build together. I like him. But, I love him even more by respecting his decision and cutting off from him and letting go even if it is very painful for me or it may hurt him. Nobody in sound mind likes to suffer. Sometimes, love hurt. I do miss the person alot and yet I have to exercise self control not to contact him so that he can do his things with peace and continues with his new life without me in the picture. It is no denial that such missing kills inside. For him, he does not have such issues since he does not like me. I know it is stupid to love someone who does not even appreciate or love me. I know he has forgotten me long time ago. But, can love be calculated or rationalized? I am fully aware that he loves himself much more than me and I have never expected him to make any sacrifices for me or reciprocate right from the beginning. As long as he is happy with joy deep within and finds meaning in life, pain in me is worthy. I am not trying to be noble. I am far from it compared to the saints. I am just confessing what I am feeling. I am doing it alone since I seldom confide in friends on such matters. I have been praying very hard asking God to help me as the feelings and pain are eating me up inside. I do not understand why I still miss that person. Why does my heart still love him? I really cannot figure out what is wrong with me.
So, I sang it all out during KTV session and then, I went to the riverside to stone, venting all my feelings out for healing. I do not know how long it takes to overcome. But, I am trying very hard. All I have is God now. I really hope He can help me cope with it.
Maybe, I yearn for a home. I used to sit on the stairs outside my main church looking at the private houses during peaceful nights. I often wonder when I can be as blessed as them to have my own home. I wonder how it is like to build and decorate a love nest with a spouse. I wonder how it is like to get married and be someone’s spouse. I wonder how it is like to give birth. I wonder how it is like to be a mother. I really like the feeling of seeing my loved one early in the morning when I wake up. His presence is my blessing. He looks so handsome in the morning. His presence simply warms your heart. It is a treasure that cannot be bought. It is a luxury to have appreciative eyes on you. It is love that the person tries to get into your world to find common areas and interests as you and even put his pride aside to come down or up to your level. It is an honor to listen to his feelings, hardship, suffering, unhappiness or even complaints. It is a security and comfort to have someone wait for you. It is a fortune to have someone who comes close to you or want to be near you. It is silent love to have someone watch over you quietly like a shadow. I wonder how it is like to walk with someone intimately for the rest of my life without abandoning me to go elsewhere or die.
Life has to go on. I am trying and trying and trying. I am trying to get used to doing things alone, watching movies alone, jogging alone, singing at KTV alone, coping with problems and issues alone, travelling alone, going through life journey alone. I will still help others as much as I can and contribute to the society regardless of whether I am called to marriage or single life. Meanwhile, as long as the right man as blessed by God does not come along, I will continue my lonely life and try to stay balanced through my work, some friends or recreation and stay out of certain areas to avoid affecting anyone from leading more fulfilling life. I am trying and the pain entailed is worthy for a better life of my loved one....
The Lonely Woman Who Is Trying Hard,
Elena
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
God's Instrument of Love for the Prosperity of Love!!
Very tired after two days of Chinese New Year visitation. I am staying at home today to search for a job. I guess my age is catching up. Energy level is quite low. My grandfather is spending his Chinese New Year in the hospital due to a crack on his hip from a fall. Not sure if he needs to go for an operation. I am quite upset over not getting his Ang Bao from him. Why is that so? I think it is a blessing to receive Ang Bao from him as the act of it signifies he is still healthy and I can get blessing from him through the Ang Bao with his presence. I am not used to not getting one from him and I feel upset inside. I have not visited him yet since my mum has not gone to see him. I feel bad that he has to spend such joyous occasion in the hospital alone. I hope he will recover soon. A lot of fights over my grandfather with my relatives. As usual, though they are rich and keep boasting about their wealth, they expect my poor dad to wipe his Medisave out for my grandfather’s stay at the hospital. Even before my grandfather was admitted, he expressed his wish to come to my house for reunion dinner. But, my relatives came together to object against it and were nasty towards my dad. Only when they need him to wipe his Medisave, they became nice to him. My grandfather’s money is also gone somehow. Nobody knows where it has gone to. Then, they dump him to the nursing home. Sigh! What the heck! It’s so ugly. During Chinese New Year eve, I went to Maison Kayser Cafe for my breakfast before buying shoes for myself. I made a new friend there. We chatted for more than an hour. It is nice to talk to strangers and become friends. I like this kind of lifestyle where I can make friends wherever I go without getting involved with any politics. One reason why I left the church is because some people tend to complicate things to cause divisions among the community. I remember joining one group for their gathering. Later on, someone told me some people commented that I joined them just because I wanted to get free food. I got very pissed off. Though I am poor, it does not mean that I have to take advantage of the others and be a free rider. I have never thought of becoming a free rider. I joined them because I enjoyed their presence. Who knows a few calculative ones thought I wanted to take advantage of them? If I had known that earlier, I could have contributed too. Anyway, most of the time, they had leftover food which was why some of them asked me to join them, not to waste the food. I did offer to contribute in the end. But, the main organizers refused my offer. I feel much better out of church as I no longer feel the stress and arrows from these people. My friend told me people in my parish continue their nonsense. I guess all I can do is to pray.
In my previous blog entry, I did mention that I have friends who put me down repeatedly due to their own inferiority complex or brokenness or insecurity. Some other friends asked me why I still continue to help these friends who do not seem to appreciate my help and friendship and that I continue to meet them whenever they need me. I finally explained myself. I help some of them fully aware that if they have completed their tertiary education or get promoted higher than me, they will step on me or even shit on me. Frankly speaking, I am not threatened by their higher social status, education or position in the corporate world than me. My friends found it silly why I still help them.
To me, I believe that God blesses me with talents and gifts to help others to improve on their lives. Yes, I am very unhappy that I can’t get into university due to my financial situation and lack of support, and thus, I am forever stuck at certain position with low pay which ultimately does not allow me to contribute much to my family, resulting in us still in debts. But, it does not mean that I want others to be as stuck as me. I know the angst and bitterness for being trapped in certain conditions for many years. Sometimes, you may even wonder what wrong you have done to be in such entrapment for more than 20 years. You feel like giving up hopes at times. So, as much as I can, whenever these friends come to me, I will still help. I do not need any appreciation or thanks from them. As long as I see some goodness in these people which can in turn help others or contribute to the society in some positive ways, I will help and advise them. I do not get paid for such services. However, I believe God knows my heart even though I am running high risks of being stepped on and insinuated and shit on. It is kinda amazing how God has used me. Even during some casual or special occasions, some of my friends’ family members who seldom talk to me confide in me even their deepest feelings and thoughts and I manage to enlighten them in some ways. Such joy in me can never be bought with money with the smile or relief on their faces at the end of our conversation. Anyway, all my gifts and talents come from God free of charge. It is only right for me to be the ambassador of Christ to use these God given talents and gifts for the good of others for free. There is nothing to be arrogant about.
Some friends even asked me if I am afraid of these friends who shit or step on me surpassing me in many areas after helping them. The answer is No. What is the point of competing? They may be smarter than me, holding on higher positions than me or attaining higher education than me. But, there are always people better than them in various areas. So, when will such competition end? When will I be happy if I keep on competing? Anyway, my worthiness is not measured based on how superior I am compared to them. In God’s eyes, I am always worthy as a child of God. If not, to begin with, He would not have bestowed me with gifts and talents to help His other children. As a human being, I am still prone to sins. At times, I may still get upset over why these friends do not even give me my due respect even if they do not thank me or have been making use of me.
Recently, I have been reading up on Greek mythology characters and watching a drama series on the Goddess of Mercy. I do not believe in those gods and goddesses. I enjoy reading and watching them as my reflective pieces as they have overtones of Christianity covering traits like mercy, kindness, love, compassion, etc. and how self centred behavior and words lead to fights, wars and destruction. My studies tend to be eclectic, broadening my horizon so that I may be in a better position to help others from different backgrounds and cultures. Sometimes, I may even get involved with intellectual discussion on religions and issues about life with friends and colleagues or others wherever I go if opportunities arise. I used to do that even with lecturers in school or leaders in church groups. I am definitely not smart. I am just a Diploma holder with mediocre results. I believe God could have used my mouth for such discussion. We learn alot from one another. Life journey is also a process of lifelong learning from one another to expand and improve on self towards holiness with the others. It is never a solo journey. The only virtual spiritual director I have is Fr Ronheiser through his weekly blog. I used to follow Fr Albert Renkens for two years for his introductory philosophy classes. I really miss him since he has passed on for more than two years. No other priests have spent so much time on the preparation of such intellectual lessons and conducted them beyond their job scopes quietly to encourage us in critical thinking and deeper understanding of our Catholic faith through such studies though some of them may have blogs or give talks once in awhile. I will always keep in mind what Fr Renkens had taught me and put them to good use for the good of others appropriately.
Ok, enough of my sharing. I think I am getting old and bored. Sometimes, I wonder what life is about in Singapore. My cousin is getting married. She told me she has not found a flat as the prices of flats are exorbitant. Things here keep on going up except our pay. I wonder how I am going to survive in the future with my low pay. I think it is better for me not to get married so that I will not be a burden to my spouse and children since I am not rich to help them. I think I am better off dying in the old folks home lonely though I desire to have my own home with the man I love with lovely children. But, with such high living cost and my low pay, I dream on, man! Marriage is just a dream to me. I can never see myself beautiful in wedding gown like other blessed women. I find Singapore seriously boring. I hope to have opportunities to explore the world. If possible, migrate if miracles do happen to me. I yearn to stay overseas since I have always felt out of place in such a small country with a lot of control and monopoly of profitable businesses under one party. I am just sick of it. I can only dream unless I marry a rich guy. Be realistic, rich guys will go for pretty, capable or rich women. Who will be so silly to kill themselves with poor women without much education? The other smart way is to get myself to be a religious nun where the community will support me and I do not have to worry about old age. But, will I have any dignity as a child of God and ever be independent and strong to face reality and be moulded through hardship? I do not respect some people who live off on these rich or influential people who support or sponsor them for their popularity or various projects to promote self by pleasing these rich or influential people and doing what they want instead of doing what is right with God. I am disgusted by such people and why would I still want to end up like that just because I am facing some hardship in life? So, here, I am seeing what I can do to survive in the ever increasing high cost of living country. I believe miracles will happen one day. Meanwhile, I can do my best and leave the rest to God.
Enjoy Chinese New Year with loved ones and friends no matter where you are. Nothing beats happy moments with loved ones and friends for life is fragile and short!! May you continue to enjoy the prosperity in God’s Love for prosperity in Love is much richer than prosperity in wealth!!
With Love,
Elena
In my previous blog entry, I did mention that I have friends who put me down repeatedly due to their own inferiority complex or brokenness or insecurity. Some other friends asked me why I still continue to help these friends who do not seem to appreciate my help and friendship and that I continue to meet them whenever they need me. I finally explained myself. I help some of them fully aware that if they have completed their tertiary education or get promoted higher than me, they will step on me or even shit on me. Frankly speaking, I am not threatened by their higher social status, education or position in the corporate world than me. My friends found it silly why I still help them.
To me, I believe that God blesses me with talents and gifts to help others to improve on their lives. Yes, I am very unhappy that I can’t get into university due to my financial situation and lack of support, and thus, I am forever stuck at certain position with low pay which ultimately does not allow me to contribute much to my family, resulting in us still in debts. But, it does not mean that I want others to be as stuck as me. I know the angst and bitterness for being trapped in certain conditions for many years. Sometimes, you may even wonder what wrong you have done to be in such entrapment for more than 20 years. You feel like giving up hopes at times. So, as much as I can, whenever these friends come to me, I will still help. I do not need any appreciation or thanks from them. As long as I see some goodness in these people which can in turn help others or contribute to the society in some positive ways, I will help and advise them. I do not get paid for such services. However, I believe God knows my heart even though I am running high risks of being stepped on and insinuated and shit on. It is kinda amazing how God has used me. Even during some casual or special occasions, some of my friends’ family members who seldom talk to me confide in me even their deepest feelings and thoughts and I manage to enlighten them in some ways. Such joy in me can never be bought with money with the smile or relief on their faces at the end of our conversation. Anyway, all my gifts and talents come from God free of charge. It is only right for me to be the ambassador of Christ to use these God given talents and gifts for the good of others for free. There is nothing to be arrogant about.
Some friends even asked me if I am afraid of these friends who shit or step on me surpassing me in many areas after helping them. The answer is No. What is the point of competing? They may be smarter than me, holding on higher positions than me or attaining higher education than me. But, there are always people better than them in various areas. So, when will such competition end? When will I be happy if I keep on competing? Anyway, my worthiness is not measured based on how superior I am compared to them. In God’s eyes, I am always worthy as a child of God. If not, to begin with, He would not have bestowed me with gifts and talents to help His other children. As a human being, I am still prone to sins. At times, I may still get upset over why these friends do not even give me my due respect even if they do not thank me or have been making use of me.
Recently, I have been reading up on Greek mythology characters and watching a drama series on the Goddess of Mercy. I do not believe in those gods and goddesses. I enjoy reading and watching them as my reflective pieces as they have overtones of Christianity covering traits like mercy, kindness, love, compassion, etc. and how self centred behavior and words lead to fights, wars and destruction. My studies tend to be eclectic, broadening my horizon so that I may be in a better position to help others from different backgrounds and cultures. Sometimes, I may even get involved with intellectual discussion on religions and issues about life with friends and colleagues or others wherever I go if opportunities arise. I used to do that even with lecturers in school or leaders in church groups. I am definitely not smart. I am just a Diploma holder with mediocre results. I believe God could have used my mouth for such discussion. We learn alot from one another. Life journey is also a process of lifelong learning from one another to expand and improve on self towards holiness with the others. It is never a solo journey. The only virtual spiritual director I have is Fr Ronheiser through his weekly blog. I used to follow Fr Albert Renkens for two years for his introductory philosophy classes. I really miss him since he has passed on for more than two years. No other priests have spent so much time on the preparation of such intellectual lessons and conducted them beyond their job scopes quietly to encourage us in critical thinking and deeper understanding of our Catholic faith through such studies though some of them may have blogs or give talks once in awhile. I will always keep in mind what Fr Renkens had taught me and put them to good use for the good of others appropriately.
Ok, enough of my sharing. I think I am getting old and bored. Sometimes, I wonder what life is about in Singapore. My cousin is getting married. She told me she has not found a flat as the prices of flats are exorbitant. Things here keep on going up except our pay. I wonder how I am going to survive in the future with my low pay. I think it is better for me not to get married so that I will not be a burden to my spouse and children since I am not rich to help them. I think I am better off dying in the old folks home lonely though I desire to have my own home with the man I love with lovely children. But, with such high living cost and my low pay, I dream on, man! Marriage is just a dream to me. I can never see myself beautiful in wedding gown like other blessed women. I find Singapore seriously boring. I hope to have opportunities to explore the world. If possible, migrate if miracles do happen to me. I yearn to stay overseas since I have always felt out of place in such a small country with a lot of control and monopoly of profitable businesses under one party. I am just sick of it. I can only dream unless I marry a rich guy. Be realistic, rich guys will go for pretty, capable or rich women. Who will be so silly to kill themselves with poor women without much education? The other smart way is to get myself to be a religious nun where the community will support me and I do not have to worry about old age. But, will I have any dignity as a child of God and ever be independent and strong to face reality and be moulded through hardship? I do not respect some people who live off on these rich or influential people who support or sponsor them for their popularity or various projects to promote self by pleasing these rich or influential people and doing what they want instead of doing what is right with God. I am disgusted by such people and why would I still want to end up like that just because I am facing some hardship in life? So, here, I am seeing what I can do to survive in the ever increasing high cost of living country. I believe miracles will happen one day. Meanwhile, I can do my best and leave the rest to God.
Enjoy Chinese New Year with loved ones and friends no matter where you are. Nothing beats happy moments with loved ones and friends for life is fragile and short!! May you continue to enjoy the prosperity in God’s Love for prosperity in Love is much richer than prosperity in wealth!!
With Love,
Elena
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Why Can't You Let Me Love You?
Finally, I get to start my training for the Safari 6 km Fun Run on last Tuesday. I could only start small as I suffered from insomnia the night before and still recovering from low blood pressure, flu and stomach cramp. I started with an hour of brisk walk. I should say that it was shiok to sweat it all out, especially all my negative moods. Have been feeling very down. My new year has not started right. I am still looking for a job and facing some recurring family problems still lingering like some stubborn stains for more than 20 years. Searching for a job, doing the research before each job interview, completing the tests and getting bombarded by interviewers have drained me quite a fair bit on top of the flu I have been suffering from. I think my final interview of a job that I desire has flunked. I get quite vexed and discouraged as I went there with drowsiness from the flu medicine to suppress my flu. So far, I have managed to establish quite good rapport with the managers. But, I did not fare well in my last interview with the director as I could not think properly and was feeling very weak from the drug effect. I was so weak that I had to drag myself out of bed and to take cab there. Well, I have flunked. What upset me the most is not my failure but some friends or loved ones gloating over my failure, especially those whom I have helped and have never compared myself with. I often wonder what is wrong with me to deserve such insinuation or sarcasm from them. I have tolerated some of them for more than a decade and still have not blown up. Some of their body languages and facial expressions upset me whenever I get a good job as they seem unhappy but I simply act ignorant. Sometimes, I rather wish I am ignorant than being sharp at catching such things. Recently, I have decided to keep a distance away from them as they have been adding more distress to me and I find it meaningless to continue such friendships with them. I have done more than enough for them. I do not crave for any attention, praise or thanks. All I expect is basic respect.
I have posted this question on my Facebook, ‘Why can’t you let me love you?’ in the last afternoon. It was funny that my friends commented with answers like they would love me and some commented it was misleading. I did some explanation on it. Recently, I have been catching up on my reading with the improvement of my health. I am reading Philosophy Now magazine, Psychology Today magazine, The Harvard Review magazine and one novel which I am still struggling with since I do not really like novels. The sentence strikes me from the Psychology Today magazine, ‘Why can’t you let me love you?’ I did some reflection on it. This does not apply only in romantic relationships but also applicable to all sorts of relationships, including love of self.
Has it ever occurred to you that people may love us and yet we are the very people who close the doors or even throw the keys away or worse still, seal oneself without any doors or windows? That is because we do not even know how to love ourselves and may not even be aware of our needs. In the magazine, it was mentioned that most divorces happen when the married couples think they are not compatible with each other and start the blaming or finger pointing games and therefore, divorce. However, new discovery is the fault may not lie with the partners most of the time. It may lie with themselves. They may not even be aware of their own needs and cannot meet their needs in the relationship or refuse to have vulnerabilities be expressed through honest heart to heart talk with their spouses. I must admit that it takes a lot of courage to admit and even express the vulnerabilities with the spouses as it involves the risk of hurt and shame. And yet, such intimate sharing can significantly deepen the bond between the married couples. Any relationships can be tough at times. It is all about adjusting self and making sacrifices for each other to make the relationships work based on the changing needs of both parties in every relationship. It is done out of love with fidelity especially through tough times. It also requires a lot of self control not to blow up at the other party and be patient to work things out. In fact, every relationship and friendship requires that.
In order to love others in Christ way, one must learn to appreciate and love oneself as a child of God, even with all the flaws one possesses. If one depends on praises, fame, popularity or any external sources to feel worthy, the person will become narcissistic and focus on self so much that there is no space to love others. This may turn into violence, harsh criticism, etc. if one does not get what he wants. However, if one only focuses on one’s flaws and always feels that he is unworthy and unloved, he will indulge into self pity and incapable of loving others. Worse still, they will keep on putting others down so that they may have the delusional deception that the others may be at the same or lower ‘level’ than them and they feel better though deep down, they know that they are not. Whether the self esteem is too low or high, it will still hurt others as the focus is on self with no space for others. The world revolves around self. How can they experience true love from others since they have kept their doors closed by their own hands? It hurt the people who love them. These people may be subconsciously asking them, ‘Why can’t you let me love you?’ When feeling lousy or unworthy, you may even look into yourself and ask yourself, ‘Why can’t you let me love you (with all the flaws)?’ You will realize that if you learn to accept yourself with flaws and limits, you will also accept others more readily and less harsh on them when things go wrong.
There is one song which keeps on playing in my mind yesterday. It is none other than the song from the Memoirs of Imperfect Angel titled Angels Cry sung by Mariah Carey. It evokes certain feelings in me towards certain people. I did some reflection on why this song evokes some feelings in me. Some people have the misconception that by cutting some loved ones off before they die, they are doing their loved ones less harm and that their loved ones will not get too upset or burdened when they die. I can tell you from the perspective of one of these loved ones, it is completely so wrong. It complicates my grief in the end. My feelings are exactly how the song has described, ‘True love’s a gift but we let it slip’, ‘I couldn’t prepared myself for this fall shattered in pieces curled on the floor.’ and ‘I shouldn’t have walked away. I would’ve stayed if you say.’ It sounds like a love song but it is not. It applies to any relationships or friendships. When my mummy died 11 years ago, those were my feelings from the song. She cut me off with the loving intention of keeping me away from her so that I would not be too dependent on her and get hurt. And yet, her spouse asked me to go back to the same church at the same time for my Sunday masses to show that I was loyal to the church. To me, it was bullshit. I could still be loyal to God even if I went to other parishes for masses. Why that parish at the same time? I knew he wanted me to be there for my mummy to see me on every alternate Saturday. Yes, I did go back to the same church at the same time on every Saturday as I loved her as my mummy. But, have they ever known how I felt inside with all the feelings and care for her which would never be expressed? Only after her death, I was told she left me with some legacy for my Polytechnic education. It worsened and complicated my grief. I got confused. That hurt me even deeper. I blamed myself for not spending time with her, to make her remaining days happier instead of her looking at me with concern from far. I know I may be an imperfect angel loving her not according to the way she expected and hurting her at times. But, it is better than living in regrets with unexpressed love, unspoken words and unheld hands. Before our 2 years of not speaking to each other right till her death, we would go for masses together. When it came to doxology singing ‘Our Father’, we would hold each other’s hands. Do you know how I felt though it was not within the tradition of the Catholicism that we should hold one another’s hands while singing ‘Our Father’ during Sunday mass? That simple gesture of holding her hand warms me even till now. I felt loved by her by the mere gesture and yet painful as I could feel her bone brittle and seemed hollow signalling that she would not live long. But, I was still willing to hold her hand and not let go even if she scolded me or shouted at me at times. I know she loved me. I also loved her as my mummy. Sacrifices made for her were no longer chores or suffering but expression of love for her that also filled me deep with joy and enriched my life with meaning. When anything done or sacrifice made out of love, it is no longer suffering but as a gift to the recipient which enrich both the giver and the recipient if it is given out of love and received out of gratitude.
I have always liked angels because of their purity and innocence without a tinge of selfishness. Their love is pure. My experience above serves as one of my memoirs as an imperfect angel. Why imperfect? That is because I do love people but I am still prone to sins and selfishness. Sometimes, I may not express my love according to what my loved ones expect. We can be angels to one another and may not be perfect in our expression of love. But the Sacrament of Reconciliation, allows us to admit our faults and go to God for forgiveness and healing again and again. It takes a lot of courage to admit one’s sins at times. But, once, we take the courage to step out and acknowledge our faults and be willing to repent, we open our dark sides for God to enter and heal us so that we can readily fix broken relationships with God and others. It takes a lot of sacrifices and adjustment to be more perfect in loving God and others. We are no saints and still fallible human with our lifetime to improve gradually. Some people end up in divorce choosing to blame their spouses instead of looking into themselves and opening their vulnerabilities to their spouses so that they can deepen their relationships through such intimate sharing. Married life is not just sleeping on the same bed with physical intimacy. It goes beyond the physical aspect and deep down into spiritual realm by opening themselves to each other and entering into each other’s world no matter how dark the worlds may be and connecting both worlds so that the love making is not merely sexual intercourse but a beautiful consummation that connects the two people not just physically but runs deeper into merging two souls into one to bear fruits which are the children. How dark can the worlds be if they build their marriage based on Love and lift it to God for the Love to penetrate the connected dark world with light to heal it? How much you open yourself correlates directly with how deeply you allow your spouse to enter into you and vice versa, and thus, how fruitful and meaningful the intimacy between the both of you will be. It is apt to say No pain, no gain here. When your world and mine connect through sharing be it friendship or any relationships with the risk of getting hurt, it becomes bigger world, expanding the Kingdom of God.
Yes, we may have hurt one another in any relationships or friendships. But, are we willing to expand our hearts and forgive one another so that we allow our worlds to be bigger and more colourful by connecting with the different worlds of others, experiencing God’s love at deeper levels? In this way, we allow ourselves to practise our expression of love to be more perfect angels by loving more and more in Christ way with less and less selfishness. It involves risk of hurt that is worthy to take like how Mariah Carey has sung
‘Here I am
Walkin’ on this narrow rope
Wobbling but won’t let go
Waitin’ for a glimpse of the sun’ glow’’
Of course, I am not saying that if the loved ones refuse to reciprocate, you have to force yourself on them. Just forgive them and lift them up to God through prayers. Maybe, they have issues that hinder them from forgiving and loving and it takes time to sort them out themselves. I am talking about those relationships where the both of you still love each other and treasure each other but due to misunderstanding, your relationships have soured. I do admit that I am a very flawed angel but I am still improving. I do love my loved ones and friends without much expression. I will only do small things like spending time with them, advising them, doing things for them. For those I love dearly, I will buy presents for them, especially angels. Buying gifts to other people may be something small. For me, each time I buy a gift, I will think of the recipients’ current needs and states and I will run through a lot of places for it. I tend to be stingy with money as I do not earn much with family burden. Why do I buy angels for beloved ones? The reason is I may not see them often and may not express my love well. So, I will give them angels to protect and love them. I want to be the angel to love and protect them even if I am not with them. Even after mummy’s death, I did close myself from receiving certain love until the other party complained and got hurt. Like what I have mentioned before, I am bad in handling romantic relationships. It often frustrates the other party as I do not get the meaning of certain messages or body languages.
I do regret after this particular person has left me. Gestures like why the other party looking at me in certain ways was understood by me recently after watching a show. Then I got it that when a man looked at a woman he liked, that would be the expression from his eyes. I finally got it why he did certain silly things after seeing some friends in love doing or watching some shows. Stupid, right? But, it is too late. I have hurt him too much and he has left my life in a faraway place. Some people, no matter how long they have left your life, are always in your heart. They are precious gems. Gems stuck in shit are still gems because we place certain values on them and they are deemed precious to us. These people are the same. No matter how many ugly things you have seen them doing or how much they have hurt you before, you will still treasure them as gems and forgive again and again because you love them. You will even exercise self control not to blow up at them even if they may have embarrassed or shouted at you in front of everyone in the public and patiently grow with them. I am very happy that he has changed alot. I am happy to have grown with him despite all the hell he has put me through. I also grow as a person. He might have abused and hurt me deeply in some ways but he also attempted to be gentle and kind to me in the end. He even attempted to show his care for me as a person. Frankly speaking, I have forgiven him long time ago and still love him even after seeing his ugly side and knowing him well, including his flaws. In fact, I am deeply touched by him even though he has left my life. Sometimes, when I think of what happened between us and his goofy behaviour towards me and him singing love songs when I was around, I would always smile and thank God for bringing him into my life. I enjoyed him waiting for me in some occasions or appearing in front of the door early in the morning or walking or even jogging with me. I do miss him at times and wonder how he is getting on. I do not know how he is getting on at all since I am not in touch with anything and anyone about him. I am pretty sure that he is happier without me in his life and should have forgotten me. He is well loved by many people and has earned good reputation and famous for certain talents. He has no lack of love and support. People flock to care for him and he also enjoys himself with them. I am nothing compared to all that he has. Anyway, it has never mattered to me what I am to him. He is very happy with his life now. So, I let go of him out of love. As long as he is happy, I am happy. That is all I want to see of him. All I can do is to pray for him. This is the only way to love him.
That is all for my sharing. I have sent my nephew and niece off at the airport last afternoon. This is the first time they are travelling overseas to visit their grandparents for Chinese New Year. My niece is having fever now and we are worried. My nephew was crying there. We are quite worried, especially for my niece who has kidney disease. Hope they will be safe and well. I am going to miss them for one week. My house will be quiet without them. Nobody will pester me with ‘Ah Yi! Ah Yi!’ (It means aunt in Cantonese) since my naughty nephew is not here. My niece is damn cute. She is so chubby that we call her ‘Tui Tui’ (It means lump by lump in Cantonese) or pink pig. She will always look very nice in pink. If I add wings to her pink dress, she looks like the chubby angels. So cute! I am going to miss her angelic smile.
Anyway, Happy Chinese New to all of you. May each day of your life be enriched with Love!! Have to sleep now as I need to go jogging in the morning to prepare myself for the 6km Safari Fun Run on 5 February. No matter how lousy or unworthy you may feel you are, always look into the mirror and tell yourself you are still fallible human with limits. Don’t be harsh on yourself or think you are unworthy of anyone’s love. If not, the angels cry. The angels (people who love you) in your life cry. Always ask yourself, ‘Why can’t you let me love you?’ to your injured self within if you begin to be harsh on yourself. Life is short. Enjoy life to the fullest with others so that at the end of your life, there will never be regrets from unexpressed feelings, unspoken words or unheld hands and blame yourself for being a coward.
With Love,
Elena
I have posted this question on my Facebook, ‘Why can’t you let me love you?’ in the last afternoon. It was funny that my friends commented with answers like they would love me and some commented it was misleading. I did some explanation on it. Recently, I have been catching up on my reading with the improvement of my health. I am reading Philosophy Now magazine, Psychology Today magazine, The Harvard Review magazine and one novel which I am still struggling with since I do not really like novels. The sentence strikes me from the Psychology Today magazine, ‘Why can’t you let me love you?’ I did some reflection on it. This does not apply only in romantic relationships but also applicable to all sorts of relationships, including love of self.
Has it ever occurred to you that people may love us and yet we are the very people who close the doors or even throw the keys away or worse still, seal oneself without any doors or windows? That is because we do not even know how to love ourselves and may not even be aware of our needs. In the magazine, it was mentioned that most divorces happen when the married couples think they are not compatible with each other and start the blaming or finger pointing games and therefore, divorce. However, new discovery is the fault may not lie with the partners most of the time. It may lie with themselves. They may not even be aware of their own needs and cannot meet their needs in the relationship or refuse to have vulnerabilities be expressed through honest heart to heart talk with their spouses. I must admit that it takes a lot of courage to admit and even express the vulnerabilities with the spouses as it involves the risk of hurt and shame. And yet, such intimate sharing can significantly deepen the bond between the married couples. Any relationships can be tough at times. It is all about adjusting self and making sacrifices for each other to make the relationships work based on the changing needs of both parties in every relationship. It is done out of love with fidelity especially through tough times. It also requires a lot of self control not to blow up at the other party and be patient to work things out. In fact, every relationship and friendship requires that.
In order to love others in Christ way, one must learn to appreciate and love oneself as a child of God, even with all the flaws one possesses. If one depends on praises, fame, popularity or any external sources to feel worthy, the person will become narcissistic and focus on self so much that there is no space to love others. This may turn into violence, harsh criticism, etc. if one does not get what he wants. However, if one only focuses on one’s flaws and always feels that he is unworthy and unloved, he will indulge into self pity and incapable of loving others. Worse still, they will keep on putting others down so that they may have the delusional deception that the others may be at the same or lower ‘level’ than them and they feel better though deep down, they know that they are not. Whether the self esteem is too low or high, it will still hurt others as the focus is on self with no space for others. The world revolves around self. How can they experience true love from others since they have kept their doors closed by their own hands? It hurt the people who love them. These people may be subconsciously asking them, ‘Why can’t you let me love you?’ When feeling lousy or unworthy, you may even look into yourself and ask yourself, ‘Why can’t you let me love you (with all the flaws)?’ You will realize that if you learn to accept yourself with flaws and limits, you will also accept others more readily and less harsh on them when things go wrong.
There is one song which keeps on playing in my mind yesterday. It is none other than the song from the Memoirs of Imperfect Angel titled Angels Cry sung by Mariah Carey. It evokes certain feelings in me towards certain people. I did some reflection on why this song evokes some feelings in me. Some people have the misconception that by cutting some loved ones off before they die, they are doing their loved ones less harm and that their loved ones will not get too upset or burdened when they die. I can tell you from the perspective of one of these loved ones, it is completely so wrong. It complicates my grief in the end. My feelings are exactly how the song has described, ‘True love’s a gift but we let it slip’, ‘I couldn’t prepared myself for this fall shattered in pieces curled on the floor.’ and ‘I shouldn’t have walked away. I would’ve stayed if you say.’ It sounds like a love song but it is not. It applies to any relationships or friendships. When my mummy died 11 years ago, those were my feelings from the song. She cut me off with the loving intention of keeping me away from her so that I would not be too dependent on her and get hurt. And yet, her spouse asked me to go back to the same church at the same time for my Sunday masses to show that I was loyal to the church. To me, it was bullshit. I could still be loyal to God even if I went to other parishes for masses. Why that parish at the same time? I knew he wanted me to be there for my mummy to see me on every alternate Saturday. Yes, I did go back to the same church at the same time on every Saturday as I loved her as my mummy. But, have they ever known how I felt inside with all the feelings and care for her which would never be expressed? Only after her death, I was told she left me with some legacy for my Polytechnic education. It worsened and complicated my grief. I got confused. That hurt me even deeper. I blamed myself for not spending time with her, to make her remaining days happier instead of her looking at me with concern from far. I know I may be an imperfect angel loving her not according to the way she expected and hurting her at times. But, it is better than living in regrets with unexpressed love, unspoken words and unheld hands. Before our 2 years of not speaking to each other right till her death, we would go for masses together. When it came to doxology singing ‘Our Father’, we would hold each other’s hands. Do you know how I felt though it was not within the tradition of the Catholicism that we should hold one another’s hands while singing ‘Our Father’ during Sunday mass? That simple gesture of holding her hand warms me even till now. I felt loved by her by the mere gesture and yet painful as I could feel her bone brittle and seemed hollow signalling that she would not live long. But, I was still willing to hold her hand and not let go even if she scolded me or shouted at me at times. I know she loved me. I also loved her as my mummy. Sacrifices made for her were no longer chores or suffering but expression of love for her that also filled me deep with joy and enriched my life with meaning. When anything done or sacrifice made out of love, it is no longer suffering but as a gift to the recipient which enrich both the giver and the recipient if it is given out of love and received out of gratitude.
I have always liked angels because of their purity and innocence without a tinge of selfishness. Their love is pure. My experience above serves as one of my memoirs as an imperfect angel. Why imperfect? That is because I do love people but I am still prone to sins and selfishness. Sometimes, I may not express my love according to what my loved ones expect. We can be angels to one another and may not be perfect in our expression of love. But the Sacrament of Reconciliation, allows us to admit our faults and go to God for forgiveness and healing again and again. It takes a lot of courage to admit one’s sins at times. But, once, we take the courage to step out and acknowledge our faults and be willing to repent, we open our dark sides for God to enter and heal us so that we can readily fix broken relationships with God and others. It takes a lot of sacrifices and adjustment to be more perfect in loving God and others. We are no saints and still fallible human with our lifetime to improve gradually. Some people end up in divorce choosing to blame their spouses instead of looking into themselves and opening their vulnerabilities to their spouses so that they can deepen their relationships through such intimate sharing. Married life is not just sleeping on the same bed with physical intimacy. It goes beyond the physical aspect and deep down into spiritual realm by opening themselves to each other and entering into each other’s world no matter how dark the worlds may be and connecting both worlds so that the love making is not merely sexual intercourse but a beautiful consummation that connects the two people not just physically but runs deeper into merging two souls into one to bear fruits which are the children. How dark can the worlds be if they build their marriage based on Love and lift it to God for the Love to penetrate the connected dark world with light to heal it? How much you open yourself correlates directly with how deeply you allow your spouse to enter into you and vice versa, and thus, how fruitful and meaningful the intimacy between the both of you will be. It is apt to say No pain, no gain here. When your world and mine connect through sharing be it friendship or any relationships with the risk of getting hurt, it becomes bigger world, expanding the Kingdom of God.
Yes, we may have hurt one another in any relationships or friendships. But, are we willing to expand our hearts and forgive one another so that we allow our worlds to be bigger and more colourful by connecting with the different worlds of others, experiencing God’s love at deeper levels? In this way, we allow ourselves to practise our expression of love to be more perfect angels by loving more and more in Christ way with less and less selfishness. It involves risk of hurt that is worthy to take like how Mariah Carey has sung
‘Here I am
Walkin’ on this narrow rope
Wobbling but won’t let go
Waitin’ for a glimpse of the sun’ glow’’
Of course, I am not saying that if the loved ones refuse to reciprocate, you have to force yourself on them. Just forgive them and lift them up to God through prayers. Maybe, they have issues that hinder them from forgiving and loving and it takes time to sort them out themselves. I am talking about those relationships where the both of you still love each other and treasure each other but due to misunderstanding, your relationships have soured. I do admit that I am a very flawed angel but I am still improving. I do love my loved ones and friends without much expression. I will only do small things like spending time with them, advising them, doing things for them. For those I love dearly, I will buy presents for them, especially angels. Buying gifts to other people may be something small. For me, each time I buy a gift, I will think of the recipients’ current needs and states and I will run through a lot of places for it. I tend to be stingy with money as I do not earn much with family burden. Why do I buy angels for beloved ones? The reason is I may not see them often and may not express my love well. So, I will give them angels to protect and love them. I want to be the angel to love and protect them even if I am not with them. Even after mummy’s death, I did close myself from receiving certain love until the other party complained and got hurt. Like what I have mentioned before, I am bad in handling romantic relationships. It often frustrates the other party as I do not get the meaning of certain messages or body languages.
I do regret after this particular person has left me. Gestures like why the other party looking at me in certain ways was understood by me recently after watching a show. Then I got it that when a man looked at a woman he liked, that would be the expression from his eyes. I finally got it why he did certain silly things after seeing some friends in love doing or watching some shows. Stupid, right? But, it is too late. I have hurt him too much and he has left my life in a faraway place. Some people, no matter how long they have left your life, are always in your heart. They are precious gems. Gems stuck in shit are still gems because we place certain values on them and they are deemed precious to us. These people are the same. No matter how many ugly things you have seen them doing or how much they have hurt you before, you will still treasure them as gems and forgive again and again because you love them. You will even exercise self control not to blow up at them even if they may have embarrassed or shouted at you in front of everyone in the public and patiently grow with them. I am very happy that he has changed alot. I am happy to have grown with him despite all the hell he has put me through. I also grow as a person. He might have abused and hurt me deeply in some ways but he also attempted to be gentle and kind to me in the end. He even attempted to show his care for me as a person. Frankly speaking, I have forgiven him long time ago and still love him even after seeing his ugly side and knowing him well, including his flaws. In fact, I am deeply touched by him even though he has left my life. Sometimes, when I think of what happened between us and his goofy behaviour towards me and him singing love songs when I was around, I would always smile and thank God for bringing him into my life. I enjoyed him waiting for me in some occasions or appearing in front of the door early in the morning or walking or even jogging with me. I do miss him at times and wonder how he is getting on. I do not know how he is getting on at all since I am not in touch with anything and anyone about him. I am pretty sure that he is happier without me in his life and should have forgotten me. He is well loved by many people and has earned good reputation and famous for certain talents. He has no lack of love and support. People flock to care for him and he also enjoys himself with them. I am nothing compared to all that he has. Anyway, it has never mattered to me what I am to him. He is very happy with his life now. So, I let go of him out of love. As long as he is happy, I am happy. That is all I want to see of him. All I can do is to pray for him. This is the only way to love him.
That is all for my sharing. I have sent my nephew and niece off at the airport last afternoon. This is the first time they are travelling overseas to visit their grandparents for Chinese New Year. My niece is having fever now and we are worried. My nephew was crying there. We are quite worried, especially for my niece who has kidney disease. Hope they will be safe and well. I am going to miss them for one week. My house will be quiet without them. Nobody will pester me with ‘Ah Yi! Ah Yi!’ (It means aunt in Cantonese) since my naughty nephew is not here. My niece is damn cute. She is so chubby that we call her ‘Tui Tui’ (It means lump by lump in Cantonese) or pink pig. She will always look very nice in pink. If I add wings to her pink dress, she looks like the chubby angels. So cute! I am going to miss her angelic smile.
Anyway, Happy Chinese New to all of you. May each day of your life be enriched with Love!! Have to sleep now as I need to go jogging in the morning to prepare myself for the 6km Safari Fun Run on 5 February. No matter how lousy or unworthy you may feel you are, always look into the mirror and tell yourself you are still fallible human with limits. Don’t be harsh on yourself or think you are unworthy of anyone’s love. If not, the angels cry. The angels (people who love you) in your life cry. Always ask yourself, ‘Why can’t you let me love you?’ to your injured self within if you begin to be harsh on yourself. Life is short. Enjoy life to the fullest with others so that at the end of your life, there will never be regrets from unexpressed feelings, unspoken words or unheld hands and blame yourself for being a coward.
With Love,
Elena
Friday, January 6, 2012
Discipline in progress
What am I doing during this late hour? I am doing research on Design Festival in various countries. I am preparing myself for the final panel interview on Monday. I may or may not get the job. No matter what, the fact that I bother to do the research knowing the fact that I may not get the job. I guess the desire of getting the job in me is pushing me to get myself better prepared as if I have got the job. That is how serious I am if I am interested in something. I will make sure I do my research. Every field and industry has its own language. I am learning the language of the MICE industry as it is vital for me to pick it up for my writing since the majority of my job scope is about writing. For every job, I emphasize alot on professionalism which entails discipline. It is not about doing things my own ways as and when I like it. It is about making use my gifts and skills with appropriate discipline to deliver work of certain standards. Of course, the downside is I may become so task oriented that I neglect the interpersonal relations with the others. Over years, I have been trying to brush up that area for higher efficiency and effectiveness.
I am training myself to be more disciplined. In my life, I seldom finish reading books. My attention span does not allow to do so. Currently, after renewing ‘The Secret Scripture’ book for two times from the library, I am going to complete the book. To others, it may be hassle free in completing any books. To me, it requires a lot of efforts. I like reading. It’s just that I cannot sit still to read the books for hours unless I like the subjects much that I seem to be drawn into the books. I also do not know why.
Discipline is very important. Without discipline, I can become wilful hurting people around me. Worse still, I may cause havoc to the society at large. It requires conscious efforts starting from a decision to be disciplined. I am also teaching my nephew at home. I have seen many middle aged adults behaving like kids, such as wasting food, throwing tantrums like some spoilt brats, wanting things to go their ways even if they are wrong, seeking unnecessary attention like some narcissists, being responsible for one’s action and words, and I would not want my nephew ending up like them. Many crimes are committed out of uncontrolled desires with disregard for rules and feelings and well beings of the others. Of course, some may commit crimes due to certain disorders which need psychiatric attention or treatment.
I hold the act of abstinence and fasting high with respect and esteem in Catholicism though I do not practise it often. These acts require a lot of discipline and sacrifice on the part of the person practising it. Of course, I am not referring to people who have practised it and showed bitter expression, complaining to the others how they have suffered from such abstinence and fasting. Obviously, the hidden agenda is just for showing off to satisfy the narcissistic ego from the attention from the others. The focus is still on self centered wants. True discipline from such abstinence and fasting holds deeper in that one recognizes that there is a Power larger than self and such abstinence and fasting is carried out for the good of others and love of God. It set aside one’s desires and wants for the needs of others and love larger than self. It holds God higher than self. Then, a person’s heart and horizon will expand to accept and accommodate to the needs of the others, thus expanding the Kingdom of God. It teaches one who is wilful to learn to love others with the focus of the others and God instead of just one self. But, the approach must be going towards Love, i.e Love God and love thy neighbour as thyself.
For me, I have been trying to discipline myself. Sometimes, my superiors think that I have tried too hard in the organizations that I simply cannot fit in. On the other hand, some friends and loved ones suffer from my tantrums. I guess I need to know how to strike a balance. I am no longer young. I would not want to see myself stomping my feet or slamming the door in my 40s whenever people offend me or things do not go my way. Currently, my nephew is the tool to train me in my patience and discipline as I need to set good examples as a godmother. Only when I am a good example, then I can be a role model or leader to guide others to holiness. It is difficult but it must start somewhere and persevere. It must start from the self.
With Love,
Elena
I am training myself to be more disciplined. In my life, I seldom finish reading books. My attention span does not allow to do so. Currently, after renewing ‘The Secret Scripture’ book for two times from the library, I am going to complete the book. To others, it may be hassle free in completing any books. To me, it requires a lot of efforts. I like reading. It’s just that I cannot sit still to read the books for hours unless I like the subjects much that I seem to be drawn into the books. I also do not know why.
Discipline is very important. Without discipline, I can become wilful hurting people around me. Worse still, I may cause havoc to the society at large. It requires conscious efforts starting from a decision to be disciplined. I am also teaching my nephew at home. I have seen many middle aged adults behaving like kids, such as wasting food, throwing tantrums like some spoilt brats, wanting things to go their ways even if they are wrong, seeking unnecessary attention like some narcissists, being responsible for one’s action and words, and I would not want my nephew ending up like them. Many crimes are committed out of uncontrolled desires with disregard for rules and feelings and well beings of the others. Of course, some may commit crimes due to certain disorders which need psychiatric attention or treatment.
I hold the act of abstinence and fasting high with respect and esteem in Catholicism though I do not practise it often. These acts require a lot of discipline and sacrifice on the part of the person practising it. Of course, I am not referring to people who have practised it and showed bitter expression, complaining to the others how they have suffered from such abstinence and fasting. Obviously, the hidden agenda is just for showing off to satisfy the narcissistic ego from the attention from the others. The focus is still on self centered wants. True discipline from such abstinence and fasting holds deeper in that one recognizes that there is a Power larger than self and such abstinence and fasting is carried out for the good of others and love of God. It set aside one’s desires and wants for the needs of others and love larger than self. It holds God higher than self. Then, a person’s heart and horizon will expand to accept and accommodate to the needs of the others, thus expanding the Kingdom of God. It teaches one who is wilful to learn to love others with the focus of the others and God instead of just one self. But, the approach must be going towards Love, i.e Love God and love thy neighbour as thyself.
For me, I have been trying to discipline myself. Sometimes, my superiors think that I have tried too hard in the organizations that I simply cannot fit in. On the other hand, some friends and loved ones suffer from my tantrums. I guess I need to know how to strike a balance. I am no longer young. I would not want to see myself stomping my feet or slamming the door in my 40s whenever people offend me or things do not go my way. Currently, my nephew is the tool to train me in my patience and discipline as I need to set good examples as a godmother. Only when I am a good example, then I can be a role model or leader to guide others to holiness. It is difficult but it must start somewhere and persevere. It must start from the self.
With Love,
Elena
Monday, January 2, 2012
The Treasure of Christianity in the Corporate World
Have just come back from my nature trail with my friend. We walked from Labrador Park to Hortpark to Kent Ridge to Mount Faber. I did not enjoy the trip due to my running nose. Not only am I suffering from flu, I am also suffering from sunburn. My friend was also surprised by how fast my skin gets burnt under the sun. I am like a lobster now feeling burning sensation with aching legs and flu. Whenever I fall sick, I am prone to losing things. I lost my ez-link card which had a value of at least $10. Sigh! So, I had to get a new card which I had to pay at least $15. This is a small matter compared to nearly losing my boarding pass from Australia to Singapore during the WYD08 when I was falling very sick. Apart from all these discomfort and sickness, I enjoyed the walk as my body could perspire and I felt much better. It was also a way of losing weight since I have now turned into a fat cat. I thank God for the nice weather and the companionship of a nice friend. It was nice to have a friend to walk with me through the nature.
I read an interesting article from a Chinese newspaper. It was reported that the weakest organ of people born in my year is lung. I am not sure how true it is to the others. But, this is true to me. Since young, doctors have been telling me my lungs ‘cannot open’ (Don’t really know what they mean) which is why my respiratory system is weak. From the article, it mentions that it will affect the large intestine which affects the bowel movement. It is no wonder that I keep on getting bronchitis, respiratory problems, migraine due to lack of oxygen, flu, bowel problems, etc. Whenever I jog, I have problems breathing which causes my migraine often. The worst thing is it is air-conditioned wherever I go, be it shopping, MRT, buses, workplace, etc. What is enjoyed by the others is often a torture to my lungs. I really hate air con. It often aggravates my condition and I am scared of coldness. Some drivers blast the air con in the buses as if it is free of charge. I thought we are supposed to conserve energy!! Is it necessary to blast the air con until some of us are shivering in the buses?
In an organization or even church, if one or two people falls, it will affect the rest just like how my weak lungs affect my respiratory problems which affect my large intestine and brain and delivery of nutrients to my various organs. Being self centered does not help. If everyone in the organization or church ministry were to be self centered, not caring about the others and continuing forcing their ways ahead, the organization or church ministry will become weak. If nothing is improved, the people in the organization and church ministry will become sick. Sooner or later, the organization or church ministry may collapse. Nobody is God. Everyone has his own flaws who needs others to complement him. Unfortunately, due to self centered or pride, some leaders or individuals refuse to work with the others to keep the organization or church ministry healthy and grow. Some choose to work only with like minded people who tend to have the similar strengths as them, ignorant of the fact that the organization or church ministry can never have breakthroughs since people who are different from them can contribute differently and complement them and yet they are rejected.
Church is the body of Christ with all of us as different parts of the body and Jesus as the head, akin to different organs work together to keep the body working and growing. Since I have left the church, I am not sure if things have improved now. In the corporate world, it is sad to see that some leaders and managers see themselves as God and they become slave drivers to expect their colleagues and subordinates as God. Some leaders even push ahead even though their subordinates can no longer catch up with them. Can such organizations ever grow to be healthy? In fact, Christianity is even more essential to succeed in the corporate world. Why do I say so? How do organizations stand out among the competitors? Most organizations can offer similar services or products at similar standards. In this increasingly cold and individualistic society, more people are basically seeking more human touch and warmth. That is why social responsibility and commitment to charity to help the less fortunate ones have been promoted by various organizations with the aim of showing the public for being not just organizations going for profits but also caring for the people so that people will be touched by these organizations. Why do I mention that more people are basically seeking more human touch and warmth in this increasingly cold and individualistic society? Look at the emphasis on packaging one self, going for slimming programmes, plastic surgery, looking fabulous, etc. people want to stand out among others through the appearance so that they may get the attention that they need. They want heads to turn to take at least a glance at them. They want to be appreciated or even admired. That is why some people invest a lot of money on their appearances.
If an organization wants to succeed, I would suggest they turn to the bible for help. It is God’s guidance for us to be successful in life with the Spirit of Love instead of wars and destruction and fights. Some people think that the bible is outdated. In fact, these people are the ones who have missed the treasure with their tunnel vision. It depends on whether you know which part of the bible applies to which part of life. It is just like applying appropriate formulas to the questions in additional mathematics. The Old Testament looks at the history and how the various kings had ruled their countries and their outcomes. Running an organization is like ruling a country in a smaller scale. The New Testament teaches how to involve Jesus in life so that running an organization is not just about profits but also how to fulfil social obligations and love others in Christ way so that trust from the public can be won which creates a win-win situation between the organization and the people who are the potential customers or target audience.
I have left the church but I still strongly believe in the Catholic church and its tradition and teaching though I do not agree with what some leaders have done. I was talking to my friend who has a desire to get baptised and yet due to some situation, she could not do so for the time being. I told her about RCIA and explained some Catholic teaching and tradition to her. While talking about it, I felt great joy about just merely talking about Catholicism to her. But, I also try to manage her expectation, telling her Catholics are not perfect and some leaders may even make mistakes as all of us are still human beings with sins and we are here to continue to grow to be closer to God. In my conversation with some Catholics, especially the newly baptised ones, they get out of the Catholic church when things are not as perfect as they have visualized or painted. People err does not mean God is powerless or the whole church is corrupted. I explained to her that all of us have free will to choose what we want to do. Some of us choose to go wayward. A person can only serve one master; God or self. I mentioned abit about confession and the beauty of Easter Vigil with the baptism of elects. This is the least I can do for my friend. Hope that she will be able to be baptised. It is a joy to hear that she has always wanted to get baptised.
Ok, time for me to rest. I am too exhausted from the walk and my flu. The sunburn is adding temperature to my body. Rather stuck now. If fan or air con blowing at me, I sneeze nonstop and my flu worsens with body aching. Without the fan or aircon, my body temperature goes up with my skin burning with pain. Arrggghh! What should I do now? Never mind. I have signed up for Safari 6km Fun Run which will be held on 5 February 2012. Hopefully, I will not fall sick again. I will start my training on this Thursday in the stadium. My hiking today was considered warm up for the run. Actually, I prefer to have my training at East Coast Park since I have always loved the sea. Due to my weak health, it is better for me to train myself in the stadium so that there will be people around just in case I faint or anything were to happen to me. Never mind. I will train myself in the stadium first until my health is strong enough for me to train in East Coast Park where it is more peaceful with less people and seaview. Now, I am looking forward to my final panel interview on next Monday. Hopefully, I can get the job. Then, I can start anew in my career.
With Love,
Elena
I read an interesting article from a Chinese newspaper. It was reported that the weakest organ of people born in my year is lung. I am not sure how true it is to the others. But, this is true to me. Since young, doctors have been telling me my lungs ‘cannot open’ (Don’t really know what they mean) which is why my respiratory system is weak. From the article, it mentions that it will affect the large intestine which affects the bowel movement. It is no wonder that I keep on getting bronchitis, respiratory problems, migraine due to lack of oxygen, flu, bowel problems, etc. Whenever I jog, I have problems breathing which causes my migraine often. The worst thing is it is air-conditioned wherever I go, be it shopping, MRT, buses, workplace, etc. What is enjoyed by the others is often a torture to my lungs. I really hate air con. It often aggravates my condition and I am scared of coldness. Some drivers blast the air con in the buses as if it is free of charge. I thought we are supposed to conserve energy!! Is it necessary to blast the air con until some of us are shivering in the buses?
In an organization or even church, if one or two people falls, it will affect the rest just like how my weak lungs affect my respiratory problems which affect my large intestine and brain and delivery of nutrients to my various organs. Being self centered does not help. If everyone in the organization or church ministry were to be self centered, not caring about the others and continuing forcing their ways ahead, the organization or church ministry will become weak. If nothing is improved, the people in the organization and church ministry will become sick. Sooner or later, the organization or church ministry may collapse. Nobody is God. Everyone has his own flaws who needs others to complement him. Unfortunately, due to self centered or pride, some leaders or individuals refuse to work with the others to keep the organization or church ministry healthy and grow. Some choose to work only with like minded people who tend to have the similar strengths as them, ignorant of the fact that the organization or church ministry can never have breakthroughs since people who are different from them can contribute differently and complement them and yet they are rejected.
Church is the body of Christ with all of us as different parts of the body and Jesus as the head, akin to different organs work together to keep the body working and growing. Since I have left the church, I am not sure if things have improved now. In the corporate world, it is sad to see that some leaders and managers see themselves as God and they become slave drivers to expect their colleagues and subordinates as God. Some leaders even push ahead even though their subordinates can no longer catch up with them. Can such organizations ever grow to be healthy? In fact, Christianity is even more essential to succeed in the corporate world. Why do I say so? How do organizations stand out among the competitors? Most organizations can offer similar services or products at similar standards. In this increasingly cold and individualistic society, more people are basically seeking more human touch and warmth. That is why social responsibility and commitment to charity to help the less fortunate ones have been promoted by various organizations with the aim of showing the public for being not just organizations going for profits but also caring for the people so that people will be touched by these organizations. Why do I mention that more people are basically seeking more human touch and warmth in this increasingly cold and individualistic society? Look at the emphasis on packaging one self, going for slimming programmes, plastic surgery, looking fabulous, etc. people want to stand out among others through the appearance so that they may get the attention that they need. They want heads to turn to take at least a glance at them. They want to be appreciated or even admired. That is why some people invest a lot of money on their appearances.
If an organization wants to succeed, I would suggest they turn to the bible for help. It is God’s guidance for us to be successful in life with the Spirit of Love instead of wars and destruction and fights. Some people think that the bible is outdated. In fact, these people are the ones who have missed the treasure with their tunnel vision. It depends on whether you know which part of the bible applies to which part of life. It is just like applying appropriate formulas to the questions in additional mathematics. The Old Testament looks at the history and how the various kings had ruled their countries and their outcomes. Running an organization is like ruling a country in a smaller scale. The New Testament teaches how to involve Jesus in life so that running an organization is not just about profits but also how to fulfil social obligations and love others in Christ way so that trust from the public can be won which creates a win-win situation between the organization and the people who are the potential customers or target audience.
I have left the church but I still strongly believe in the Catholic church and its tradition and teaching though I do not agree with what some leaders have done. I was talking to my friend who has a desire to get baptised and yet due to some situation, she could not do so for the time being. I told her about RCIA and explained some Catholic teaching and tradition to her. While talking about it, I felt great joy about just merely talking about Catholicism to her. But, I also try to manage her expectation, telling her Catholics are not perfect and some leaders may even make mistakes as all of us are still human beings with sins and we are here to continue to grow to be closer to God. In my conversation with some Catholics, especially the newly baptised ones, they get out of the Catholic church when things are not as perfect as they have visualized or painted. People err does not mean God is powerless or the whole church is corrupted. I explained to her that all of us have free will to choose what we want to do. Some of us choose to go wayward. A person can only serve one master; God or self. I mentioned abit about confession and the beauty of Easter Vigil with the baptism of elects. This is the least I can do for my friend. Hope that she will be able to be baptised. It is a joy to hear that she has always wanted to get baptised.
Ok, time for me to rest. I am too exhausted from the walk and my flu. The sunburn is adding temperature to my body. Rather stuck now. If fan or air con blowing at me, I sneeze nonstop and my flu worsens with body aching. Without the fan or aircon, my body temperature goes up with my skin burning with pain. Arrggghh! What should I do now? Never mind. I have signed up for Safari 6km Fun Run which will be held on 5 February 2012. Hopefully, I will not fall sick again. I will start my training on this Thursday in the stadium. My hiking today was considered warm up for the run. Actually, I prefer to have my training at East Coast Park since I have always loved the sea. Due to my weak health, it is better for me to train myself in the stadium so that there will be people around just in case I faint or anything were to happen to me. Never mind. I will train myself in the stadium first until my health is strong enough for me to train in East Coast Park where it is more peaceful with less people and seaview. Now, I am looking forward to my final panel interview on next Monday. Hopefully, I can get the job. Then, I can start anew in my career.
With Love,
Elena
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