Overcome or to be overcome?

My RO has informed me that I could not pass my probation. We both know why. I have offended that monster and she tend to hold grudges. Somehow, I expected myself to cry or get upset upon receiving thye bad news. I have worked so hard and done more than the others afterall. People in my department handle jobs from one team whereas I handle jobs from both teams. My RO was worried that I could not take the bad news and she was concerned about my feelings. She felt it a pity that I could not get my bonus in December. To my own surprise, I took the news with a relief. Perhaps, deep within, I have always wanted to get out of the hell here. Most of the time, I do not know my feelings until news are announced to me, then I know how I have been feeling all the while. I stay here until the end of my one year probation because I want to learn more things. I should say that I have done my very best to fit in here. My RO told me she could see that I have tried my very best to fit into the structured and rigid culture here with my fluid personality. She felt I have tried too hard and it has been tough on me. I admitted it has been tough but I take it as a character building and training. I have chosen not to quit but to have the organization to ask me to leave because I choose not to quit so easily. I want myself to go through the moulding. Now, I think it is time for me to move on. I guess God knows that it is enough for me here. I have to look for a new job. I am not sure what I am good at. My RO sat down and helped me to think through. She asked me to look for a job in the artistic or lifestyle industry to my surprise. She told me I may explore something in myself which I have not realized. I am not sure. Recently, the prompting in me is to go for artistic industry. I really need a break. I am very drained physically, emotionally and even spiritually by this job. Even now, as I want to start handing over my various roles to my colleagues, that monster still wants me to work on a presentation slides which I know she will reject as it has been her weird style of rejecting any ideas or presentation slides from our department even if the ideas that others have come up with are the same as ours. It is obvious that she only accepts ideas from people she likes. Well, I can't be bothered. I am not going to stay back late for these slides. If I can't complete them, she has to find someone else to do it. I have stretched myself unreasonably to her unrealistic demands. From her, there is no thank you. There are only accusations and chiding from her no matter how well or hard I have done. She micromanages and pick on small little things and blow them big, causing a lot of tension. She has been doing that since I havejoined the orgainization. I am just too tired. This is the first time that I am hit by bronchitis twice in a year. I am still taking MC as my body still fails to recover from the bronchitis. At the rate I go, I am killing myself gradually with a lot of medicine in me which my doctor is also concerned about. I am very tired. I simply can't handle people who micromanage and blow up on every small thing. I rather admit that I am stupid and suck than killing myself gradually under her.  I have never seen myself having any bright future under her.

The topic of suicide keeps on coming up in the news. Recently, one article of suicide hit me and disturbs me greatly. Even as I was praying for the deceased woman and her son, I was very disturbed. It was reported that the mother had tied the son's fingers with red string to herself and jumped into Bedok Reservoir which is quite near my area. They dressed in red. It is believed that when a person dresses herself in red, she dies with grudges and will come back to seek revenge on the living person whom she thinks gets her into such corners. In this case, both the mother and son dressed in red. It was claimed that her spouse had done all sorts of things to drive her into corners that she killed herself with her son. While she was living, her spouse had cut himself deliberately and accused her of doing it and reported it to the police. He even accused the woman of doing certain things so that he could get the custody of the son. He would disturb and accuse her every now and then as reported in the newspaper.

What greatly disturbs me is she chose to die with her son who was only 3 years old. What does a 3 year old boy know about? When praying for the woman and son, somehow, I feel a great sense of bitterness and bondage and refusal to let go of the worldly matters here from her. I feel sad for her. I feel sad that she has chosen to be bound by someone not worthy to tie her down and yet she has chosen to be bound by such a person instead of leaving in peace. She has also ended her son's life prematurely. It is heart braking that her son did not even get to choose to live. I wonder where they may wander to. If what has been reported is true, why can't her spouse just let them go? Why must a person drive the other person to the edge? The man comes from quite a well to do family. He did not even bother to go through proper wedding ceremony with her and even had an extramarital affairs outside while torturing his spouse at all levels through accusations, framing her for things that she did not do and loopholes in the law to sue her. What happen to people nowadays? Aren't such actions stoop the person down to the level lower than that of a beast? Do these people believe in God? Aren't they fearful of their sins that will get back to them? Where is that element of love that a person should have? I do not understand.

In another incident, a boy dropped out of school and wrote his book. He focused on publishing his book which touched on the tough times he has been going through after he had encountered how his schoolmate who was usually cheerful killed herself one day. He hopes to bring hope to the other young people who may face certain issues and difficulties which they may feel they are alone overwhelmed by the challenges. He hopes to bring across the message that they are not alone in facing their challenges and he would like to share his own personal life with them, bringing hope to them that they are not alone and there is always hope in life that one does not need to resort to end one's life prematurely through suicide. I see God in this person with this big heart of exposing his privacy in a book to bring hopes to young people like him. It takes alot for one to drop out of school just to reach out to the others and bring hope to them through his struggles in his private life. It takes a lot of courage out of Love to share one's life with the others with the risks of being mocked at or despised by some people.

The two scenarios above are stark contrast. The former chose to end her life prematurely and even murder her son through suicide with her without giving the child any choice of living while the latter has chosen to give up his schooling and focused on publishing his book with the intention of sharing his personal struggles in his personal life. God gives us free will to choose what we do with our lives. We may choose to end our lives prematurely thinking that we are free from the trap that we are in when suicide only leaves the soul to live in darkness and bondages with the worldly affairs and people involved. Or, we may choose to lift ouselves to God and live with courage to overcome our challenges and love to share our lives with the others who may be facing the similar challenges as ours, bringing hope to them akin to the lamp on a lampstand bringing light into the darkness of the others' lives.

Personally, I am living among people of two extremes which give me heartache at times. On one hand, I see how sickly people suffering from various diseases struggle to live and spend every moment to live life to the fullest, reaching out to others and enjoying every minute with their loved ones. On the other hand, I encounter healthy people who try to kill themselves. One had succeeded so far. A few of them attempted suicide a few times. Everyone suffers in his own way. Eveyone has got his own story to tell. I ever have one friend who came to me and told me my life seemed easy as I seemed cheerful. There was one point when I guessed I have had enough of struggles in life and she told me the same thing which caused me to snap. Then, she realized I have my own share of struggles. I have come across people who look cheerful but have been bringing suicidal thoughts with them behind their laughter.  Struggles or challenges in life are not meant to broadcast for others to pity us or gain attention to ourselves to feed our egos. They are there to help us to let go of things or people which may hinder us from going towards holiness, and to go back to God. By going through such struggles, we will ultimately shine like diamonds which are strong and hard after going through such moulding and fire. Then, we become the light to others and guide others how we have overcome the challenges and grow so that these people know that they are not facing such challenges alone. We show them there are people who understand what they are going through. Our life stories may guide them to overcome their issues in life.

Ok, enough sharing here. Go back to preparing the stupid presentation slides that they insist that I do even if I know that the monstr will reject. I will be out of job by mid November. I am not sure where I should go next. Most probably, I may take one month of break as my body is screaming for rest. I really hope to have a new lifestyle where I do not abuse my body through overexerting it in my jobs. Ultimately, no bosses will take a glance at me when I am sick. They will only accuse me for being weak. I am quite glad that I am leaving this organization as I can forsee myself ending up imbalanced and despicable like that monster. She looks sulky in her normal expression. Though with high position, she does not seem happy. I have heard horrible stories about her in the top management meeting. Then, what is the point of promoting so quickly and yet unhappy, stepping on many people's toes? Basically, I do not see myself shining under such leadership. When in trouble, she never fails to turn the table around and accuse me in front of her bosses. Such self centered boss will only think of herself and push her subordinates to sacrifice. What is there to learn from her? I also realize that these bosses are training us to be God, to be perfect. They expect us to be perfect in every area. You may do ten good things and yet one small mistake will override the previous achievements and even get insults in the public. I think I have got enough abuse from her for the past nearly one year. She made me work long hours and repeat work that she never passes clear instruction and then she turns around and accuses me. I get scolding even when I go home on time during off peak period while she can sneak off early even when we need her to clear some jobs urgently. I even get scolding for getting sick. I am just too tired with such animal fight. I am leaving this jungle. Hopefully, I may find a garden where I may realize my potential with good bosses who groom me. I don't mind hardship as long as my bosses are there to groom me. I wonder if there is a chance for me to stay overseas for a period of time. I really hope to have a new environment than staying in Singapore. Even if I fail to achieve anything overseas, I know I havev tried rather than getting stuck hetre where I know I am a misfit. I feel very stressed out here. I have tried to study and work within very structured and rigid educational system and working environment. I am not accepted by people most of the time as they label me as werid, eccentric, abnormal, unstable, etc. But I try so hard that I am losing myself and no longer know who I am. I may do better in a big city where there are many different types of people, even more weird ones, that it is easier not to stand out as what I have been labelled as for years. Most of the time, foreigners are more open to my character and personality and more rerady to accept me based on my working experience. I am not sure where I am heading to. I can only lift it up to God's loving hands. I just know that as long as I live, there is always hope and I take comfort that nothing is absolute and things change in the world. I believe there will come a day when I shine.

With Love,
Elena

What is the color of your tears for each person?

Back to work. Have to face the music early in the morning as the vendor has delivered the wrong printer to us. Have to get approval from the monster to cancel the PO. She is probing now and I have to answer for it as part of the mistake is due to my negligence. I have tried my best to be careful though I have always known that I am very poor with such nitty gritty details for paperwork. I really wonder how many more years I have to suffer from such job. Not that I do not like it. Life is not about whether I like it or not. Rather, I have been forcing myself to do something I can't do and be someone I am not for many years in my career due to my low educational level. I get very stressed out as I have been doing what I am not good in at all. I am very sick of the life I am having now. As most part of my waking hours will be in the office, I really hate my life alot doing something I simply suck at and continue to try very hard to fit into very structured environment where I can never be myself. Well, that is life. At least, I have a job which provides me with an income. My ROs have been asking me to go for further studies so that my job options will be wider and I can earn more money for my family. Easier said than done. Where to get the money? With my sucky health, I am also not confident of working full time and studying part time at the same time. I do not blame anyone but myself. Maybe, that is God's will for me. 

I am still watching 49 Days, a Korean drama series. I do a lot of reflection through watching movies or drama series. I do not watch shows which are purely about romance as they will only put me to sleep. Rather, I often watch shows that bring out certain themes and values in life. This 49 Days drama is not purely about romance. It is about being true to people and self. The interesting part about this drama is when the hell regulator brought the female soul to a funeral wake where he showed her the different tears shed by the people who attended the funeral. They came in different colours of purple, black, yellow, green, etc. to indicate the different types of tears shed from the hearts. The tears of different colours came from people who cried for show to others, shed crocodile tears while happy within for some ill reasons that the person had died,  cried because he cried for himself as the deceased's condition brought out his own, etc. These tears were shed for some self centered reasons. They were not tears shed purely for the love of the deceased. Guess what the colour of the tears was for crying purely for the love of the deceased. It was colorless. I interpreted it as pure tears out of pure Love without any tint of self centeredness or evil. It reminded me of the living water which should not have any colours as it is pure out of Love and yet in Love. There is not any tint of impurity in God's Love for us. If He 'shed any tears' for us, it is out of Love for us whenever we sins and have rejected Him placing ourselves above Him. He 'cries' for us in 'pain' for us as we choose to tear ourselves away from Him to eternal death, just like how we cry with pain losing our loved ones to death.

The female soul was supposed to collect the pure tears of three people who truly loved her for who she was within her 49 days on earth as her soul was out of her body after a car accident. These people should exclude blood related family members. She thought it was easy to get the tears as her friends and fiance seemed to love her alot. While she was in another woman's body, she realized her best friend had an affair with her fiance and were plotting to con her of her land. Most of her ex schoolmates shed different tears out of self centeredness. Some pretended to like her when they really hated her within. I have not finished watching. Now, I have watched the part where she had collected tears from a man who was his classmate but had been bickering with her, shouting at her and claiming that he disliked her when he actually had been loving her deep within, always there for her.

A few things came to my mind as I was watching this show. I remember attending my deceased teacher's funeral wake helping out daily as she was very dear to me. Despite my own grief, I did observe people alot. There was one day when my secondary school teachers and students came for her wake. I have learnt what crocodile tears are since young. I saw some teachers crying and they were the very people who asked me not to go near my deceased teacher when she was still living as they were not sure if her disease would spread and her temper was very bad. They said it with their expression of disgust towards her. Some badnmouthed her to me. I was asking myself if their tears were true. If they were true, why did they not love her and understand her while she was living instead of mocking at her behind her and even spread gossips about her? I had a schoolmate who used to lick teachers' boots. She licked my deceased teacher's boot when she was still teaching in school and yet she badmouthed her deliberately in front of me. During the funeral wake, I joked with the students to lighten up the atmosphere as I thought my deceased teacher would not be happy seeing all of us crying or upset. While joking, this schoolmate of mine scolded me to have some respect for the decased right in front of everyone and she cried as if she were very close to my deceased teacher. I did not rebuke. Basically, while joking with them, I was feeling painful inside. In fact, among them all, I should be the most upset as I was the closest student to her. Even other students thought that I was her niece since she did not have any children. Somehow, people thought that we were related. This schoolmate of mine was well known for putting up show for others to see. For me, I did not care how people saw me. I simply ignored her comment and attended to some other people.

From the funeral wake, I got to see for myself how pretentious people could be. A few of us who really loved her did not really want to cry dramatically in front of many people. Crying is not for show. It is done only when you really love that person. Whenever you think of her, you miss her presence and you cry. You appreciate her for who she was and you see her as a gift from God dear to your heart. Till now, I still miss my deceased teacher. Through this show, I also think through if I will ever collect any tears of true love from people. Sad to say, I do not think so. I have friends. But, I do not feel connected most of the time. Most people come to me when they need advice or nobody else accompanies them. Most care for me because I have been there for them and it is time for them to repay me which I do not need such repayment. Nobody truly loves me as who I am. The only one who has loved me for who I am has died and that is my deceased teacher. She knew all my flaws and weird habits and bad temper and yet she loved me as who I am even till she died. She supported me in some ways through her spouse even after her death. It was the love behind her planning and thoughts for me that have touched me so deeply inside and such love can never be robbed away by the others. I believe her tears shed for me were pure. She loved as a person.

I am very bad with small talks. Nowadays, I do not really socialize alot as I find that a waste of time as many people are putting up show for some personal reasons. Even serving in church groups, I have never felt connected with anyone as everyone has got his hidden agenda. I hate it whenever I catch it. I rather not know so much most of the time and simply enjoy my ignorance. At least, I can deceive myself that I am connected to people. But, I can't. When reaching out to anyone, I will never expect the recipients to love me back or to appreciate me. I simply help or reach out because I love them. Deep inside me, I feel that all these relationships are one sided. They may have got help or comfort from me but I feel disconnected from them. Not to mention about tears, I really wonder if anyone cares about my existence at all. Since primary 3, I have been exposed to how people plot against one another for his own benefits. I have been the victim again and again. A well intentioned teacher ever came to me, asking me if I knew this or that person was taking advantage of me when I was in Secondary school. I answered yes to every of her question. She wondered why I could answer yes to her question and yet I still helped out. To me, I did know who treated me like a fool and who truly loved me. But, what is the point of exposing others if by exposing them, they are not changing for the better at all? Expose them to show that I am smart? I do not need that. I am not God. I only know that I will help whenever I can and I do not lose a pound of flesh by helping if I have the time. Just be a fool and I may learn alot out of helping. If I need to measure and calculate how much I should reach out or help, I will tire myself out very easily. I will be bound by so many petty little things. Life is more that that. If the recipients do not appreciate me which happens to me most of the time, I believe God will reward me in other ways. I know some people may treat me as a fool from the start but I rather give them benefits of doubt than accusing them and hurting them even deeper. I believe with the guidance from God, I will do or say something as prompted by the Holy Spirit to be protected from harm to me. If not, God will move these people out of my life. If I am steep in my prayer life, God will teach me what to do. So, why worry? I will be a fool to worry about being seen as a fool.

What is the colour of your tears for each person? By answering this question yourself, you will know if you are sinning or loving, whether you love with hidden agendas or self centeredness benefits, or love the person as who he is. Now, ask yourself honestly who will be the people shedding true tears for you. Then, you will know if you have truly shared Love with these people or you are with these people for some self centered motives or benefits. Are you really connected with them deep within? One thing I realize from this show is if a person truly loves you, even if your soul is in another body, the person will recognize you and love you as who you are. Love goes beyond appearance. The person knows you through and through and still loves you regardless of what your shell (your appearance) is. Relationships or friendships formed on a very superficial level or for some self centeredness benefits do not go deep into the hearts and these people do not even recognize you if your soul happens to be in another body. They only love those traits of yours that benefit them or boost their images in some ways.

Tear as in splitting an object into pieces or shredding something has the same spelling as tear as in water flowing from the eyes due to some feelings from the heart. In order to shed true tears from the heart, one must be willing to tear himself up to be shared with others by sharing his life and love. How can one shed tears out of Love by not first tearing himself up and sharing with others through his life just as how Christ has torn himself up through his death so that we can have a share of Love in glory? Do you choose to tear yourself up so that you may share your life with the others with tears of true Love to be more complete in God or to be self preserving, hidding yourself in comfort zones intact away from others at a distance not to have the courage to love and be hurt at all, ultimately depriving yourself of growing to be more complete in God?

So, what is the colour of your tears each time you shed your tears for each person? Or do you even prevent yourself from shedding tears at all to appear strong and mighty?

With Love,
Elena

Dancing through life journey at whim

Good morning, worldly! Just waken up from my sleep! Managed to reach home only at 7plus this morning after a movie marathon with a friend. Woo hoo, had a great night! It was my first time going for such movie marathon with a friend. We did not plan for such marathon. Well, I guess that is me. I have always done things at whims. That is just me. I do not plan things ahead. Normally, I may change my mind doing different things in my holidays overseas or even meeting with friends. Most of my friends are open to my style of doing things at whims. Last night, after dinner at NEX, I was thinking on my feet aloud when we were about to go home. I was thinking if I should jog this morning and that would mean I had to go and rest early or I should go for a movie alone. Then, my friend told me my friend would like to join me. We went to the cinema at NEX and realized that we could not find any movie that we wanted to watch. Then, we suddenly came up with the ideas of a movie marathon. We were thinking of Yishun Golden Village cinema as my friend was staying at Yishun. At least, one of us could save up some money on transportation by watching a show near my friend’s house. On our way to Yishun, I changed my mind that we might want to watch it at Bishan Gold Village cinema as we might not make it to the show at Yishun at 11pm. We reached Bishan and changed our minds again. We went on to Orchard Cineleisure as the last show there started at 3.20am. We could at least watched 3 shows. Well, we did so. Our movie marathon started from 11.45pm last night. The first show ended at 1.20pm and we went over to another hall for the second show which just started and then ended at 3am. We went to the 24 hrs MacDonald and Coffee Club to grab our food and drinks and went on to our last show for the night at 3.20am. Woo hoo! So much fun doing and planning things together!! As usual, I did not do much planning. I just went with the flow and everything went on smoothly. My friend just tagged along.


I really enjoy going with the flow. That is the real me. I do not like to explain to people why I do certain things, especially I know what I am doing and going with the flow with peace. Somehow, I get very frustrated when people start asking me to explain things and restrict me in any ways. Certain things just can never be explained. Most of the time, I will just follow my intuition,. As long as I feel at peace and go with the flow, I normally do very well and with joy deep within. As years go by, I realize that my so called intuition is that small little voice from the Holy Spirit. I think I have been trying to fit into the mainstream of society by being normal. That is by trying to change myself to be like others graduating at certain age, getting married at certain age, having children at certain age, conforming to what people expect in church even if it is wrong, having a job which provides me with an income to support my family and myself though I hate my jobs so far like shit, doing things according to normal times like having breakfast before 9am or lunch at 1pm at work to be as normal as other employees, etc. My RO is right that it is just my nature that I am not a person who pkans and goes according to stipulated rules by people from the mainstream. To me, having breakfast near lunchtime, supper at 3am, dinner at 10 pm, are normal. To me, time is just dimension measured or numbered for our common language and communication of various tasks and things to be done together with others.

When looking at my life, no matter which jobs I have holding, they never fail to have the components of entertainment and communication with others. I could be required to entertain and have fun with clients till 3am every night on business trips and my supervisor got worried and wondered where I was. I always have to help organize events where people come to together to celebrate some occasions or business purposes or discussion. I enjoy doing such jobs. What I really hate is seated at the desk handling a lot of paperwork. I get into trouble whenever I am expected to be seated at the workstation and doing some administrative stuffs. Even my colleagues realize that I do very well at events where I am expected to think on my feet. I enjoy working with various projects as long as my leader or RO trusts me and let go for me to do what is deemed suitable. Problems come when any leaders or ROs choose to micromanage unnecessarily. These people are normally insecure inside and get stressed out or freaked out unnecessarily. They are there to make sure that everything is perfect, sometimes according to their unrealistic standards. That also happens in church where some leaders micromanage. Of course, we need such people to be in projects but to a certain level. If not, there will never be breakthrough and things will always be run in tried and safe ways but will never have any innovation or creativity for any breakthrough. It also hinders others from exercising their potential and creativity which will help others and the leaders to do things differently, thus helping them to grow too.

Even in relationships, I do not expect my partner to me micromanaging me or asking me to explain things which I simply can’t explain at all. How to explain intuition to him? When I go travelling, if my partner leaves things to me after he has done all the planning before we set off, I will often bring surprises to him and myself as I have the knack of bringing us to places or experiences which we have never expected to bring us such novelty of discovering new things. Often, I am told I was born in the wrong part of the world as the Asians, especially Chinese, are not so open but are expected to conform to teaching, tradition and rules even if they do not make sense. Yes, I do respect and follow certain tradition, customs, rules and teachings and even appreciate some of them if they make sense or bring meaning to life. I do not like to follow leaders or teaching blindly. Then, what is my brain for? I the realm of Catholicism, I appreciate the sacraments, tradition and teachings from the Church. But, I do not follow leaders blindly just because they are called to leadership. They are humans capable of mistakes and sins too. I do not understand why many people whom I have known worship some priests and sisters and brothers instead of worshipping God. I have seen for myself how they try to please and hoard these leaders. Worse still, I do see how these leaders succumb to such self glorification by doing what please their worshippers. Most of the time, I choose to keep my mouth shut unless I am called to open my mouth to do something about it. If not, I will just pray for them. Many Catholics think that if priests are out of priesthood, it means they are sinners to be condemned or they are womanizers. My question is who I am to judge. I ever told some gossipers off in my church as they carried far too much in condemning my previous parish priest who had dropped out of priesthood for certain reasons. I defended him as I knew him personally and a few of us knew how much hardwork and dedication he has as a priest. Yes, I do agree that some priests drop out of priesthood due to temptation or sins. But, not all priests who have dropped out are how they have condemned them to be. Maybe, some of them are called to be priests for certain period of time and to get out for some purposes o serve beyond the church. Maybe, some are called to get married so that Love is experienced at even deeper levels and they reach out beyond the church to serve others outside. Maybe, some have come to know the hidden truth about themselves as they have tried to get into priesthood to escape from surviving hardship or romantic relationships in the world and they want to live to be true to themselves and others by stopping lying beneath their cassocks and start living single or married lives as called by God. In such case, this may prevent the priests from sinning repeatedly by indulging themselves with inappropriate relationships with women while appearing to be holy in front of the congregation.

What I am trying to drive at is we do not judge. We will never know how God works. Our harsh judgement towards others may hinder these people to be themselves and cause them miseries as they try very hard to fit in while suffering from miseries within. They can never maximise their potential and God given gifts for the good of others. I get quite pissed off recently when the announcer warned us not to look at the paper during the gospel reading of the lunchtime mass next week, especially because of the celebrant. Pardon me for saying this. I was thinking, ‘Bloody hell. I am here for God and not here to please that whoever is the celebrant.’ I am thinking of skipping the mass. I am thinking to myself, ‘What if among us, there are people who cannot hear listen clearly due to hearing impairment? They need to the materials to know what is read. We will never know what defects people may have among us. ‘ For me, I tend to read the gospel reading from the paper or screen while listening to the celebrant as I need to engage myself with many senses as possible to keep myself focus. If not, my mind will wander off very easily. BY looking at the material, I recite the reading in my heart with the priest which uses my verbal sense, listening to the priest with my ears using my hearing sense, and using my visual sense through my eyes following the text. So, you will never know how people can best spend their time during their time with God due to some defects. Of course, all other communal actions such as kneeling and standing and prayers must be done or said with respect congruent with the others as the Eucharistic celebration is meant for all to come as a big family for such spiritual meal with God. Beyond that, I do not care a damn thing about how the priest thinks. Rather, he should be more considerate and open to people who have defects in some ways or are different. I am not there to please him. If he insists on his way, I will just stop going for the masses he is in and pity him for not being open to changes and exceptional situation. He will never grow to be more compassion that allows him to reach out to more people from all walks of life at all levels. Most probably, he is only comfortable that limited number of people whom he is comfortable with or agree with him even if he is wrong. Well, not up to me to teach him. He is a priest afterall. He should be wiser than me.

So far, I am happy to be out of forcing myself to conform to people’s expectation in church. I no longer have to be disgusted by all the fights, pretension and politics in church. I am mush happier now. I guess for me, I rather live freely outside while still obeying God and church teaching. I do not care what people say anymore. I hope to travel around the world at whims. Of course, I must earn the money. I can always help others along the way if called forth. I have tried to hard to conform to structured setting and environment until it kills me inside. Even for romantic partner, I rather the guys who go out with me cannot accept that I do not fit into mainstream leave me than trying too hard to tolerate. Wow, I really admire my colleague’s friend who is saving up to go on sailing tour around the world for one year. That is something unusual and new to have fun and adventure with a partner. How I wish I have such spouse who does things at whims and I just keep myself open and follow him through the adventures in life. I am looking for something more. I am very bored with my life. As I was suffering from bronchitis, I missed two chances of introductory sailing courses from my organization. Yes, I can’t swim. But, I am willing to risk it all. I even went snorkelling once. I was scared at first and asked the person to pull me up from the sea. Then, for the round, I jumped into the sea to enjoy myself. I m scared of height. At whim, I will go for amusement ride which throw me down from certain height. I got migraine and hurt myself in some ways. That is how crazy I am. Sometimes, the more I am afraid of something, at whim, I will just go for those activities. Of course, due to my health issue, I will not go for activities which end up killing me. I really pray for a partner who is confident and open to surprises in life to walk through adventures with me at whims. I love that, man! It is more fun to have adventures with someone you love through life journey. The love and experience shared are deep but also with fun and more meaning. I have always not enjoyed myself with partners who live in fear or within comfort zones. Things tend to be predictable with them. They always go for tried ways of doing things. With them, I do not experience much adventure.

Woo hoo! Cest la vie! I am looking forward to planning some trips overseas. I love the adventure of exploring into the unknown. Normally, my friends will just tag along with me while I bring them through the adventure. Heehee…Sometimes, I am even dreaming of romantic encounter overseas. I wonder how it is like. Imagine the romantic scene with the guy you love in a totally foreign place. How is it like? Like getting lost together and finding ways out? Some funny comments that I have got from people over the years. Some people told me I look like Chinese and yet they do not feel I am a Chinese. Some have mentioned that I look like a graduate from some U.S. universities. Whahaha…so funny! I am far from a graduate and I am too poor to even study in university, not to mention about studying in U.S. I have always dreamt of studying there since young. But, that can only remain as a dream till I die. Now, I hope for a new lifestyle. I am sick of the life here. Very rigid and boring. I don’t mind living poor while exploring the world. I do not need a lot of money or fame or popularity to be happy. All I need is to explore around the world with a partner, braving through life adventures together even if I do not have much money or nobody knows me. Meanwhile, I can only walk my life like a zombie daily and get alive once in awhile travelling overseas or doing things at whim.

Ok, time to indulge myself into another romantic comedy, a Korean series, titled 49 days. It is about a woman whose soul got out of her body and she only had 49 days to look for three men who shed tears for her and confessed sincerely that they loved her. Only then, she would continue to live I the world. I guess people like us who can’t fit into the mainstream have more problems being accepted, not to mention about having romantic partners who will love and accept our eccentricities without caring how people see them with us. SO, I can only indulge into such romantic fantasies through such shows for me to stay balanced in accepting the harsh reality I am thrust into and forcing myself to work in environment where I can’t even be myself. Well, life is good afterall as it is a giftvfrom God. At least, I still have such channel for me to escape into fantasies from the harsh world from time to time. Maybe, I need some creative outlets for my energy to be used. Sometimes, music or dance plays in mind till I can’t sleep. After waking up from sleep, I forget all the music or dance that I hear or see in my mind. I have always loved dancing. Due to my serious injured knee which I can’t even squat or kneel properly, I can’t go for dancing courses. I used to do some professional career test in school. The best job for my interest and ability was to be a dancer. I love dancing. I love watching ballet. Some friends and my brother told me I look like a ballerina. Too bad, I am not. My parents were to poor to groom me in creative areas. I ever went fro some dancing courses and got prises from instructors that my postures were nice. Sometimes, I would enjoy watching musical plays, operas or dance performance, especially ballet. Those moments were the occasions where I can keep in touch with myself and imagination. Hopefully, my knee will improve and I can sign up for jazz or ballet dance for adults. I love indulging my imagination through music and dance. Have been thinking of taking up piano lessons. The problem is I pick up very fast but I forget easily fast. I do not have the money to buy a piano to practise at home. Due to some reasons, I can’t focus when I practise or learn in a group with the others. Individual lessons are too expensive for me though I do much better alone with the teacher. Now, all I can do is to escape into drama series. If not, I will listen to the music from the radio and imagine all the dancing with a partner in my mind or scenes where they fit into the songs. Somehow, I even hope vainly for that special one to be my partner to dance with me through our life journey together. Meanwhile, this can only happen with a blurry faced partner in my dreams.

With Love,
Elena

Living uncomfortably and die comfortably vs Living comfortably and dying uncomfortably

Managed to go to work and hang out yesterday after resting for almost two weeks at home due to bronchitis. The bronchitis hit me really hard this time. Have visited the doctors three times until the doctor told me he has given me all the medicine he has. God's blessing is that I have managed to recover on Wednesday and managed to go back to work yesterday. I did not really rest well. At the back of my mind while resting, I know that I am in for my contract being terminated here for my job as the monster and RO have warned to improve on my health. Who knows I am hit by bronchitis and was forced to stay at home lying on the bed for almost two weeks? I can't blame anyone but myself for the weak health. I have told my parents I will be jobless by end November. That is the reality of life. In Singapore, if you get sick, it is either you pray to die or be rich and get the best physicians or specialists to treat you and have money for basic needs. Here, you really have no time to get sick. You only have time to die. Life is getting tough here. All the prices of the items and services keep going up and yet the salaries and benefits for staff with middle and below positions still stay at the levels in the 90s. For example, for every visit to the doctor which cause me $28 on average, I can only claim $10. What is $10, man? I guess at least, though I can't get the fish, I can still get the shrimp. Anyway, time to get a job. I suspect they have started interviewing candidates to fill in my position. I have got used to not being wanted anywhere I go, even in church. That is just me. I am still trying to improve myself. But the world works in a way that it does not leave any space for mercy or mistake. It is either I accept it or kill myself. So, here I am, choosing the former. At least, I know I have done my best in the current organization.

I went for a movie yesterday. It was 'A Bit of Heaven'. I am disgusted by many movies nowdays. They contain sexual contents most of the time. Does it mean that by having sexual contents in many movies, the movies will attract more people? I seriously do not understand that. Somehow, I think using them too much in the movies cheapen the production of some of the movies.  This show was about the leading female character contracted with late stage of colon cancer. Before that, she was sleeping around with different men, indulging in her sexual pleasures. When she was diagnosed with the disease, she went to heaven one day. The irony was while she was in heaven, she exclaimed where the hell she was. A black woman appeared to her, claiming to be God. The female leading character asked her she thought God should be a man. The woman explained she appeared in that form as the female leading character wanted to see her in that form. The woman granted her 3 wishes, leaving the last one for her to discover for herself in her remaining days. And, she went back to spend her remaining days on earth.

The story went on as she fell in love with her own doctor. The doctor also loved her despite the chastise and misunderstanding from his senior doctor and others. When the female character encountered an accident and went to the heaven for the second time, the black woman appeared to her. The female character thought that she had died. The woman asked her what she was fearful of the most. The female character still continued to deny her feelings. As she knew she was going to die from her disease soon, she realized that she loved the doctor but refused to admit it as she wanted to keep a distance away from people, including the man he loved just to prevent herself from getting hurt. She went back to spend her remaining days fixing her relationships with her friends, parents and her boyfriend. One thing interesting was the movie ended with her celebration of her death where all her friends and loved ones gathered to celebrate her death by the lakeside as requested by her while she was dancing at the other side of the lake with the black woman with her.

Actually, like what I have mentioned in the last blog entry, death is just a gate to the other side. How the other side looks like, nobody knows. It may be heaven as beautifully painted with angels and God in various works and even depicted in the movie with pure white clouds above the earth or it may be hell with many levels of torturing as described in Buddhism or purification through the purgatory in Catholicism. Whether a person's death ends in misery or celebration, it depends on the person's spiritual state. Ultimately, a person can be physically sick and yet spiritually healthy and wealthy. The soul will leave the body upon death as the body is only a temple to house the Spirit. The body is meant to serve as an instrument for others to experience and share God's abstract and deep love in any tangible ways through the physicaly body. So, the spiritual state of the person upon death will determine if the person is bound by any unresolved issues, unforgiveness, unspoken words, and unexpressed feelings. All these elements will tie the person to the world and the person cannot leave in peace. Without peace, it means that the person is bound by something or someone. The person is disturbed in some ways. He may miss the narrow gate as the focus is more on the bondage and disturbance.

As I was watching the movie, I was asking myself if I have to wait till I am coming to that stage like the female leading character, then I realize that I am living in fear and have been trying to keep a distance away from people so that I will not get hurt. Then, all these years that I am living, am I not living in bondage and fear? I do not say that I am wise or have enough life experience. But, I have seen for myself how some people in my life live with regrets and fear. Their defensive and self preservation walls are so high that nobody really knows who they are. They are less prone to receiving feedback and love from others even if they are constructive and good for them. They will see them as insults or attack from others and they begin to up their walls so high that they bang into these people. Their words can become so sharp that they cut to the core not to hurt others deliberately but to try to keep these people away so that they, themselves, will not get hurt and can continue to stay within their protective zones. How can they ever grow to be more complete with such walls up so high? Some of them go haywired singing songs that express all hurt and bitterness inside, whining almost daily about everything or everyone in life, out to get popularity and fame to cover up such bitterness or hurt inside, go crazy acculmulating money and promotion by overworking to prove their existence, etc. Well, while some of them continue to stay within their protective zones embracing their hurt and bitterness within and yet trying to gain attention, popularity and fame as their masks, some of them have honestly faced and dealt with their issues with tough time. But, these people have managed to face their issues, sometimes with the professional or spiritual assistance if necessary, are freed from these bondages and truly start anew, living with true freedom in life. They are more efficient and effective in the areas of serving in life. There is a stark change in them where you do not see them complaining so much and the joy comes from deep within. Their interaction with others are more genuine. As for those people who continue to embrace their bitterness and hurt within and cover them with fame, popularity and attention to self, they continue to indulge in and repeat their sins with self glorification as the underlying issues have been avoided and left untouched, still lurking somehwhere to find opportunities to surface in the forms of sins, usually repeated ones. I always think that if you are not even true to yourself, how true can you be with the others? How peaceful can your death be?

God has given us free will. It is up to us if we want our death to be a celebration or suffering with regrets. In the movie, the female character's friend asked her why she did not ask not to die. She repiled everyone has to die one day, sooner or later. It does not matter how long you live but it matters how you live it. With this, I end my sharing here. Take some time to reflect. If your doctor were to tell you you only have three months to live, what comes to your mind? What are those issues stirring in your heart? Most probably, those areas may be the very areas which bog you down in life and hinder you from living freely and fully. Are you going to continue to live in that comfort zone and die uncomfortably or live uncomfortably with necessary transformation with God in you and die comfortably in the embrace of the Lord and loved ones?

With Love
Elena

Dust to Dust

Finally, back to work today. Still not feeling well after finishing the 2nd round of antibiotics. By now, the medicine I have been taking the whole week after visiting the doctors twice has left me with weak stomach which causes pain. Worse still, my blood pressure is low due to the woman's problem. Alamak! All the health issues come to me at the same time. My body is aching away. As my cough still persists and I have giddy spell whenever I cough my lungs out due to bronchitis which refuses to go off, I may need to see the doctor again. I was so weak just now that I even had to ask my colleague to buy my lunch for me. I still can't breathe properly at times. I really wonder when my health is going to improve even though I have been more careful of my diet nowadays. I can't exercise as I was advised to stay indoor due to the haze. Fortunately, I explained to my colleagues and RO in my team why I was absent for almost the whole last week. If not, they might have misunderstood me. They were quite shocked that I have bronchitis. I guess I have to speak up more to avoid misunderstanding. I feel bad that one task is delayed due to my absence.

Good news comes. I am happy that one of my friends is finally pregnant. She is still unsure if she is pregnant as she only went for a general checkup. Previously, she told me about her concern for not being able to be pregnant. With this good news, I am happy for her. I do see her daily. Sometimes, I nag at her about her diet or overexerting herself. That is the best I can do to remind her as she has got used to her hectic and fast paced life. She told me she was shocked by seeing some negative symptoms last week. I shared with her that nothing can be more important than the life in her. I have the privilege to listen to her how she felt as she went for a general scan where heartbeat was detected in her womb. She shared that it was miraculous to have another heartbeat other than hers. I guess that is the miracle as a gift from God for being a woman. A life within a life giving birth to the life out of Love in Love. Though she is facing many uncertainties with fear, I believe she is a strong woman to go through it. I appreciate she is open about her issue and discusses with us. We are happy to be there to support her while we can.

Last night, I was watching 'Departures' for the second time. It is a Japanese movie which was awarded as the best foreign language movie. It was a man who accidentally got himself into the job of casketing. He resisted at first as many people despised him for his job. Even his spouse left him for awhile. Ultimately, he persisted in his job and did it with meaning and respect for the deceased. His friends and spouse accepted his job and even admired him with respect for what he did to their loved ones. It also showed how every deceased had his/her story and how his/her loved ones reacted during his/her funeral wake. I guess during different stages of life, I have different feelings and inspiration out of the same movie that I had watched when it was first shown in the cinema. This time round, what strikes me was the scene about this female boss of the public bathroom. She was a woman who took the pain to prepare for the firewoods to boil the water for her customers so that the customers could enjoy the better quality of water with comfort. She was a woman who did small things with great love, like Mother Theresa but in different setting. People loved her for her efforts and pain to make them feel comfortable. She died in the end. Her close friend was a man who worked as an undertaker sending the deceased off by activating the fire to burn the casket at the crematorium. He mentioned about death as the gate to get to the other side. It was not an end. It was just a gate to enter into another place. When he mentioned that, I was reflecting on my loved ones who had passed on. It suddenly dawned on me that they are just getting the death certificates as their passports to go to another place before me. It is just like they are travelling in plane to enjoy themselves in another place. It comforts me in a way. Whenever the man activated the fire to burn each casket, he would say to the deceased that they would meet one day. So, I, too, would meet my deceased loved ones one day. The deceased loved ones are mostly my teachers who treated me well when I was in Secondary school, going through difficult times and hunger. Some of them took care of me and offered me food. However, I am not sure if one of my teachers is still around. I have been looking for her. When I last saw her many years ago, she had gone through a throat operation and was weak. She was one of the teachers whom I had quarrelled with and yet she had the confidence in me that I would do well in her subject. I still remember her coming to me and telling me, 'I believe you can get distinction.' just before my GCE O Level. True enough, that was the only A2 I had for GCE O Level despite the fact that I did not study hard and refused to do the assignments most of the time. When I was a librarian, we would share about the Christian faith as she is the spouse of a pastor while I was interested in the Christian faith. I believe she is one of God's gifts to me for me to draw closer to God. I really hope that no matter where she is, whether in the other place or here, she will walk with joy in Love. I do miss all these deceased loved ones at times. They have added beauty to my life in their own unique ways. They played their parts in making my walk during those difficult times easier because of their love. I hope to see them in the other place in the future and thank them as I did not have the chance to do that in the past.

The other theme that strikes me from the scene of the cremation is life can be so fragile and easily turns into dust. As the movie was showing the casket being burnt, the boss's son kept saying he was sorry. For me, whenever I see any scene of cremation where the deceased who used to have life kicking alive became empty shell and burnt into dust, all the wrongdoings and mistakes that the deceased has made are just nothing. We no longer calculate who is right or wrong seeing the deceased burning into dust. Well, is it worthy to be petty and measure who is right or wrong? When looking at life as a whole, the wrongdoing the person has done unto me is just a very small dot in the whole life as akin to Singapore being a small dot or not even a small dot in the world map. Is it really worthy to be angry or hold grudges against the person who has wronged me and bind myself and my whole life with anger and bitterness? It is just a small dot in my whole life. Why can't I just look at the bigger picture of my whole life instead of focusing on that small dot and find all ways to get back to the person? Sometimes, I do wonder why some people bother themselves in plotting against others who have wronged them in any ways or do not agree with them. I find that silly as they have chosen to bind their whole lives around such petty issues when there is a lot more to life. 

That is all I can share for now. I am waiting for time to go home as I am not feeling well. Hopefully, I can function better tomorrow. I thank some friends who have shown their care and concern to me. One of them even asked me to publicise my condition through my facebook so that friends could care. I joked with him that he was mad as it was not as if I am getting married sharing good news with others. Why publicise my condition? Anyway, this is the second time I am hit by it. No big deal. My RO even sent me an email about how to avoid flu without medication when I am about to be down with it. I really appreciate the nagging and care and concern from these people. I guess only true friends stay with me regardless of what I am going through. I always believe that true friends are the ones who never abandon you when you are down. They accept you for who you are. I am glad that God has protected me from those people who are not true to me. Somehow, I am glad that they have left me and I have grown stronger. Nevertheless, I thank God for being with me all this while. Sigh! I wanted to go for introductory sailing course today but I have to miss it due to my condition. Sian. I do not know how to swim but I am willing to risk it all. Have even gone snorkelling before. So, sailing should not be a problem. Hopefully, can go sailing one day. Meanwhile, I just have to be obedient and be a good girl and go home for rest.

With Love,
Elena

The Light from The Mystery of Love through the Dark Sea and Sky

Have been on medicine for the whole week since the event on last Monday. Visited doctor today as my condition did not improve since my first visit to the doctor on Tuesday. Finally, diagnosed with Bronchitis again. Can't even breathe properly at times. This is the second time I am hit by it this year. Really sick of taking medicine and lying on the bed for this whole week. At the rate I go, I know I will definitely not pass my job probation due to my weak health. I did try to go back to work yesterday. But, that worsened my condition as the air con in the office and buses worsened my condition. There is one thing I do not understand. I thought we are supposed to support green environment. Why does it seem that we are burning more natural resources by unnecessarily blasting the air con no matter where we are, especially in public buses and trains and offices where many people are shivering? Personally, I hate air con. It does not only dry the skin and body in general but also does not welcome good quality of air and ventiliation since everyone is enlcosed within the areas with the viruses and bacteria trapped inside. I fall sick easily if someone who is sick is near me in such enviroment. I also can't stand the coldness from the air con which may cause me chest pain at times. I love the outdoor or open space. On Monday, I stayed at the highest deck of the cruise boat as I really dread being enclosed within the lowest air conditioned deck where many top management people were. That got me into trouble as I was not aware that the haze was part of the contribution to my Bronchitis and it could hit me hard. Hopefully, the air quality is better tomorrow. I hope to go for brisk walk as I have been lying on my bed for almost the whole week.


At last Monday night, I was with a colleague whom I have just known, sitting at the highest deck of the cruise boat. I have always loved the sea and mountains since they will never fail to soothe my nerves and temper. They never fail to allow me to admire the magnificent sky and the vast sea and the mountains. That is how I spend my quiet time with God through the nature. My colleague was a blessing from God to accompany me. She shared with me that her friend is saving up money for a sailing tour around the world for one whole year with her spouse since it has been her spouse's dream. Her friend is quite scared of the sea but she chooses to go along with her spouse. I explain to my colleague I guess that is what we call faith. We still step out of our fear to try to overcome the challenges despite fear and uncertainties. That also shows how much she loves her spouse for her to dare to overcome her fear with her love for her spouse just to fulfil her spouse's wish to travel around the world through sailing. I also shared with my colleague that sailing around the world is not going to be easy as there is a lot of uncertainties and challenges ahead. They have to literally face the storms together if the storms strike them along the way. If they can face them together, it takes love and faith to overcome such storms and these storms will only be tools to strengthen their love for each other and themselves. If a person really loves his lover, he will never abandon her. Rather, he will have the faith to face and even overcome his own fears to walk with his lover. This will not only help him to live freely by facing and overcoming his fears to be more complete and he will also enjoy the process of sharing love with his lover, thus being the witness of Light to his lover. Sad to say, I have met many people who have chosen to escape from their fears in the name of charity, holiness, goodness or even God. When looking at a deeper level, they are just escaping from their fears.

As I was looking at the dark sea, I was thinking loudly, asking a lot of questions. I was thinking in the pitch darkness of the sea, how do the sea animals or creatures survive and not bump into one another without any light? How do they know that they are too near one another so that they do not bump into one another to cause injury and death? Even during daytime, the sea can be so deep that no light can reach some places. How do the creatures survive and communicate with one another? My colleague told me it may be due to their sharpened sense of hearing where sound travels faster through the sea. They may have other more sensitive senses to help them. My other question is how deep the sea is. What is inside? A lot of questions ran though my mind which my colleague could not answer. They may seem stupid to my colleague who holds high position in my organization or to the smart people. But, all these questions ran through my mind.

As the both of us were facing the dark sea sewn with the dark sky, it did look scary. My question is what I can fill it with. It looks like life in darkness when we face our own darkness from time to time, just like the scene of the dark sea sewn with the dark sky. What do I fill this darkness with? This draws me to the mystery of Love. In the pitch darkness of the sea, beyond it, there are creatures surviving with their own actvities beyond. It may look dead on the surface of the dark sea. The truth is that there is life beyond such dead dark sea. The mystery of Love may be akin to it especially in our dark moments in life. These dark moments may seem dead or hopeless to us. But, if we seek Love which gives us our lives out of Love, we will appreciate this mystery of Love even during our dark moments. The dark sea has taught me to look beyond the dark moments for Life where Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life. Jesus is the key behind the dark veil. He is always there. It is up to us to look beyond the darkness for Jesus who is ever present unless we give up our faith and hope. When looking at the dark sky, we can always fill it with moon, stars, etc. Stars may be seen as the people whom God has blessed us with to help us or love us in any ways. They can also be seen as the happy moments that we have shared with our loved ones and friends. They may also be seen as ourselves shining as the light for Christ to others through our suffering and tribulations after overcoming the challenges which we might have thought we could not make it. The light of the moon comes from the sun if I am not wrong. Sometimes, there are a few people who have very major impact on our lives. They may be seen as the moon. These people will shine in our lives and stand out as more important than the others just like the moon being bigger than the stars which may symbolize others who are not as important or impactful on our lives. We must be careful not to mistake these people as our gods. The light from them comes from the Love within them. God is within them, radiating HIs light on us through them, alluding to the fact the the moonlight comes from the sun. If not, we may choose to worship or idolize these people and do what please them which lead to sins and fights instead of glorifying God who has used them as instruments for us to experience His Love. Sad to say, I see such situation everywhere I go. The worst matter is some people or even some leaders fall into such traps even without knowing they have placed themselves above God for people to admire, follow and worship them. These leaders may even do what is wrong with God by pleasng their worshippers and admirers to gain popularity and fame to fill their insecure egos.

I am very thankful that I had a chance to have some quiet time on the cruise boat on last Monday. My RO realized that I was smiling away, enjoying the breeze and scene. I guess I really need such space away from the busyness of life and crowded places. Even before I start work each day, I get stressed out as more and more people like to squeeze with one another even if they have big space for themselves. I hate it whenever they take up so much space that I have been squeezed to the corner, taking up my space as well, leaving me with no personal space to breathe. Many people are getting more unreasonable. When they are in the wrong, they still dare to shout and scold people who are their victims. At work, the scholar tried to squeeze me as much as he could while he took his own sweet time to work. For example, we needed to set up and test and check all the systems and equipment by 1am. He just stood there, lazing around and even eating Tau Huay while some of us were rushing to get all the things done. When the monster came to see if everything ran well, he would look busy. For the event on last Monday, I overworked as he took his own sweet time to do things. He would work hard in front of the others, especially the bosses. Behind them, he would push things to me or my RO who is also his team leader. When things went wrong, he would justify himself to no end. That was why I blew up on the Friday before the actual event on last Monday. I am ready to face losing this job. I have stretched myself to the max. One thing I have also realized is some people here take their own sweet time chatting most of the time (like more than half an hour of chatting, sometimes, even half of the day) and go home late even though they do work hard at times, giving the bosses the impression that they work very hard. Maybe, I should learn to work that way though personally I think it is very inefficient and dishonest. Maybe, that is how to impress the bosses by working hard in front of them and push the work to the others and slacking behind the bosses so that pay increase and promotion will be faster no matter where I go. Like what the monster had told us, it is all about packaging. That means it does not matter what the truth is. Do I really have to resort to such tricks so that I would not be abused? I am not sure. I just know that I am really very tired mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually handling many tasks at the same time while handling difficult people. These few difficult people just drain me alot.

I have missed many lunchtime masses due to busy work, and even Sunday masses just to catch up with my sleep during weekends. Hopefully, I can recover soon and go for Sunday mass on this Sunday. I really yearn for a new lifestyle. Really hope to go for higher education so that I can choose job that has direct impact on the quality of life of people and yet earning the income which I need to support my family. I like advising and directing people when they come to me for help. I like studying people. I still have not given up the idea of pursuing Psychology course to be a psychologist. I also dream of staying overseas for a period of time, away from here. I hope to spend some time in places where I see snow. How is snow like? How does it feel like? How is the touch? I can only dream of it. I need a total break away. I no longer feel the space I need here. Everywhere I go, I am squeezed and get scolded for nothing and my temper is getting from bad to worse no matter how hard I have suppressed it. I no longer see the meaning and value in my busyness and even feel disgusted at times, especially at work just to serve and please the top management according to their wants even if it goes against my integrity and honesty. Meanwhile, the only way to escape is through my imagination through the romantic comedy from the Korean dramas. The only thing I benefit from my work now is I get to enjoy what the top management is enjoying. To be more precise, to get to enjoy what the rich men enjoy which I do not have the opportunities to enjoy otherwise. I reflect on it. It is no big deal to me afterall. The happiness does not go deep. I know what I want in life and the life I am having now is not what I want at all but I am forced to accept it just to support myself and my family. If I have a choice, I rather set up a cafeteria or restaurant with my spouse. Working hours may be long and tough. I do not mind going through such hardship as long as I grow with my spouse while using the cafeteria or restaurant as the platform for people to build bonds wth one another. I always believe that food brings people together, just like how the children of God are brought together to build bond with one another and God through such communal Eucharistic celebration. I do not mind serving people in that way. I may get scolded by nasty customers and being in business can be very tough and difficult. I do not mind as how much work I put in is how much I gain rather than working in any organization where, no matter how much hard work I put in, the top management will earn most bulk of the profts of the organization, leaving little for the executive level and below. After saying all these thoughts, I still have to bite my lips to face the harsh reality. I fail in career. I fail in romantic relationship terribly. I fail in friendships. I fail in many areas. I just can't fit in and I know I can't fit into the mainstream no matter how hard I have tried despite mockery and insults. But, I still count my blessings as I can still move around. Though my health has been hindering me in my studies and career, my health is much better than many people who suffer from serious diseases. As long as I carry hope in life and I still survive despite all failures and setbacks, I know I can make it in life one day. Meanwhile, I just need to go through the fire and moulding so that I can shine and be strong like the diamond in the end. What shines through is the Light from within.

The weather has been cold here with the rain. I love such weather. Good for sleeping. I thank God for such weather for me to have nice rest. Hopefully, the drivers will stop blasting the air con in the buses. If not, it may slow down my recovery no matter how many clothes I have wrapped myself up. I may need oxygen tank for breathing if my condition continues to worsen, like some astronauts. :)

With Love,
Elena

Lesson learnt from the 'My Girlfriened is a Gu Mi-Ho (Nine-tailed Fox)"

Finally, my body gives way to my lethargy and haze. I was hit by the haze on last Monday. This time round, it hit me hard as I worked till 1am from Sunday night and did not sleep well at the venue. Then, I worked from 6.30am to 10pm on last Monday. I have always been afraid of staying in an enclosed area with low ceiling. So, on the yacht, I was staying at the highest deck, open myself to the breeze that was nice but hit hard by the haze. So, for the past few days, I was on MC due to my respiratory problem, lying on the bed most of the time. Maybe, good for me to go on diet as I am growing fat. Finally, I return to work today as I need to clear the piling jobs with weakness and giddiness. Nevertheless, I thank God for the wonderful experience to go on the private yacht where I had the space to breathe where there was no rush, no squeezing with people.


I am losing this job by November when my one year probation is due. I lost my cool on last Friday as I could no longer tolerate that scholar anymore. I threw my tantrum. For certain action of mine, he has misunderstood me but I could not be bothered explaining to him. I just shut him up and tried to finish my work, conserving my energy for the pre-setup on Sunday and running the actual event on last Monday. He is one whom I can never work with. If a person is stupid, that person can still do well in life with good attitude. But, if a person is not just stupid but thinks that he is smart and insists on his way, I wonder where he will end up in in life. This is what is happening with that scholar. A few team members have complained to me. I simply roll my eyes and ignore as it has been a norm. He even challenged my RO who is our team leader. What else is not possible from him? He looks goodie goodie but he is far from it. The worst thing is for self preservation, he will squeeze the relevant working people as much as he can without considering that we, too, need rest. For himself, he will do things slowly. When things do not work, he will still insist on his way. Nowadays, I am very naughty. Whenever he starts justifying his action and words for self preservation, I will ignore and do something else right in front of him. When he insists on talking to me, I will shut him up and continue with my tasks as I know that he will never listen. So, don’t bother to waste my saliva since he does not understand my language. I would expect myself to lose my job. I am very tired of these people. I work very hard and yet it seems vain to them. I do not need recognition. All I need is they can see that I am a human being like them who needs to rest and I am taking on more than I can take. When I make one small mistake, they can see it loud and clearly, discounting all the good work that I have done. I am doing Division 1 & 2 officers’ work and yet my pay does not justify the amount of work done here. The scholar is smart. He is good in swerving many tasks by deliberately doing his tasks at hands slowly. He made me work late on last Friday, claiming credit to himself by telling the others in the team he did not need help as he would handle it. In the end, he made me stay back and took his own sweet time to do the things. On last Monday, he even tried to make me start work before 6.30am which I ignored as I needed the rest very much for the long day. I felt being abused for his own credit from bosses. I am sorry to say that I simply have got no respect for him at all. I do not even want to be his friend. I am utterly disgusted by his behaviour of pushing responsibility and mistakes to others to protect his butt while pushing others hard to do what he wants. Is this the kind of scholars where millions of money have been dumped for such quality and contribution? Does it mean that a scholar is more human that the others? Does the society work only based on meritocracy?

Nowadays, I no longer feel inferior after working with a scholar like that. It does not mean that I am lousy when my work is not recognized. I just do not know how to act hardworking, announcing to the whole world, especially in front of the bosses while trying to shirk tasks to others when the bosses are not there. I know if I do that, I will despise myself. I rather do what is right with God. My job is blessed by God. So, I will do my best in my job not to please my bosses but God. Ultimately, if I do not pass the probation, I will not feel lousy as I have proven myself to be capable of higher level of work. I rather be myself. Basically, I know my working style and character fit more into American MNCs. But, I guess for survival, I would not want to be picky. My RO told me I do not fit into government sector. But, I just take it as I am improving on my weakness through my job now so that I will grow to be more complete.

I have watched the Nine Tailed Fox romantic comedy. Another Korean show for me to indulge into my romantic fantasy. The male leading character talked down to the female leading character who was a nine tailed fox at first. The language he used towards her was harsh. He always segregated her from human beings though she appeared in human form. Then, he slowly fell for her as time passed by by the female character’s innocence and sincerity and love towards him no matter how harsh he was towards her and how he had mistreated her in some ways . He tried to leave her a few times but his heart always went back to her no matter what which he had no control over his heart.

I was touched by one of the songs played during the show. It goes, ‘Though with my unique looks, my heart is the same.’,’ I love you. All I want is he looks at me.’, ‘I can never come closer to you anymore. Why does my heart keep thumping?’ (even if the person is physically far away or the person has left physically.) What I learn is we can deceive ourselves and try to avoid situations. How about our hearts? Where are they? Where do they lead you to? We may look differently. We may look ugly or good looking or disfigured, etc. but our hearts are the same. They are meant to house the Love. We are all capable of love no matter how different we may be from others. At first, the male leading character refused to accept her as she was the nine tailed fox in the different world from human beings. Ultimately, he accepted her as who she was.

It means all of us are capable of love and all of us, no matter how different we are, even if we may be disfigured, suffer from all sorts of disorders, feel defective in any ways, feel we may look ugly, we have the same hearts. It takes a generous heart with Love to look beyond the appearance, flaws, biases and even worldly standards to accept and love others who are very different from us or are outcasts in society. Personally, I have worked in a prestigious school and churches. I have seen with my own eyes how some children are mistreated and ostracized just because they are different from the normal children as these children may be suffering from disorders such as dyslexia, ADHD, autism, children who misbehave and try to gain attention due to broken homes, etc. I was quite shocked that some teachers and leaders ostracized them and arranged to select leaders and members of various clubs, positions and even ministries in a way that these people could never be selected. I have spoken to a few of them. As leaders or educators, if they want them to be out of schools or churches, where can they go? I thought schools and churches are meant to guide them to the right path. After they have been driven out, they end up creating havoc at void decks and everywhere they go and these leaders and educators proclaim to the others they have been right about their judgement when these leaders and educators are the very culprits to push these children to such warped path.

This Korean drama reminds me that some people treat others as if they were animals lower than them. They talk down to them and ostracize them just like how the male leading character has mistreated the nine tailed fox. Mistreatment does not confine to physical abuse. It may also come in the form of mental, verbal, spiritual abuse. In the modern world where social media tools like twitters, facebook, blogs, etc. are used to convey messages within seconds no matter where you are. It also means bad news, rumours, accusations, slanders, etc. can spread just as fast. Verbal abuse is very common mistreatment towards people who have wronged us or whom we dislike. When we mistreat others in any ways as if they were animals, ironically, we show ourselves as bestial by being abusive and getting into animal fights against one another to get what we want or to try to win others to our sides. What makes us different from animals is we have reasoning and compassion. We have the reasoning to use our compassion for the good of others. We do not just give in to our animal instincts to get our ways. It is rather an oxymoron to see how many people have returned to be bestial in their behaviour and words while they may be more educated than their ancestors in this increasing modern and technological advanced world where people are better informed and educated through the social media and IT gadgets.

Ok, enough of my sharing here. Going home now. Have been firefighting for the whole day. I really hope my bed is here at the office. Really feeling very sick now as I am completing my antibiotics. I guess I have to fight my way back home. Take care. Nothing is more important than health. Without good health, no amount of wealth can make you happy. No matter where you are, always remember to take care of the body as the temple of the Spirit. Only then, you may do God's work of spreading Love with productivity and efficiency, thus effectiveness.

With Love,
Elena

Romatic Fantasy as My Getaway for now

Have been watching 'Secret Garden'. Nowdays, I become couch potato right in front of the TV. I guess I fall in love with romantic fantasy. Somehow, to me, no man in the world can ever be the male leading character in the drama. I guess that is why it is a fairy tale. It was sweet of him to tell the female leading chracter that she did not have to be the little mermaid disappearing into bubble. He would be the little mermaid instead. Th man was bad with sweet talk. What I like about him was his action. He loved her with his action. This man  was perfect to everyone where every girl idolized him for his looks and wealth in this show. Only the female leading character knew his claustrophobia and fear. I guess no matter how pretty or wonderful we may think our idols or peoploe we like are, they also have their own flaws. That is why I have never idolized another person in my life. I see it pointless to idolize people though I do admire some traits in some of them that I do not have.

One thing I like about the 'Secret Garden' is I can feel for the poor female leading character whose parents had died when she was young. She was humiliated for her poverty, especially by the male leading character's mum. The main actress could bring out the pain and suffering of abuse by the rich very well. I do feel for her as it also brought me back to the time when I was suffering from hunger. I should count my blessing that I can earn my own living. I can even eat in expensive restaurants at times. Sometimes, people even treat me. Sometimes, because of my job, I have the luxury of eating expensive food and experience such as going on a cruise tour or staying in high end hotels overseas for business trips where I enjoy such luxury without coming up with my own money. I thank God for strengthening me and tiding through those difficult times with me where I was struck with poverty. I also wonder how I had managed to pull through those times when looking back.  It would only be possible with God. Though I had never done well in any exams, I counted myself blessed as I could still pass my exams since I would miss many lessons after almost every PE lesson due to my poor health and lack of food. I was also abused by some rich relatives and friends' parents verbally. I remember my friend's mum inserting an Ang Bao (red packet) in front of us at the dining tabkle during Chinese New Year and told us sarcastically with a smirk she was giving us $10 each. I got pissed off and asked my friend to warn her mum not to do that again. Some relatives asked me to drop out of school. Like the female leading character, I felt like a beggar most of the time and kept all bitterness and pain to myself. No friend could undertsand me at that time as they did not have to suffer from hunger. Some thought I was lying. Only a few teachers knew my situation and tried to help and love me. Poor people also have their dignities as human beings. Being poor does not mean these poor people are tools for any abuse. Well, thanks to God, those tough times are over. I have grown to be stronger and more independent, earning my own money. One thing I regret is I did not study hard. If I had studied hard and not got distracted easily, I could have been a graduate earning high pay. Often, I also wonder why I am always so distracted. Now, my career is hindered by my educational level which vexes me. In Singapore, it does not mattr if you are stupid or academically weak. All you need to have is money. If your parents plan for you and have the money to support you, no matter how stupid you are, you can still excel in life. I have seen many cases where tsome people may not be smart and yet they have parents and support from them to get into universities overseas. If you are poor, it is better that you are stupid so that you know your limits and poverty does not hinder you from going further. If not, it is better for you to be so smart that you are a scholar and poverty won't hinder you from furthering your studies and ultimately, career. Poor people like me who are smart but not smart enough to be scholars can only resign to fate and slog under incapable leaders. Tution fees of unversities are exorbitant. My pay can't keep up with the increasing fees. This causes a lot of frustration in me. On the other hand, sometimes, I think if I am a graduate, I may end up very arrogant. As usual, I am confused.

The other way is to get a rich guy and get married like that female leading character in the 'Secret Garden'. Come on lah. Be practical. 'Secret Garden' drama is just fairy tale for people like me to escape into. When it comes to reality, why the heck would any rich and good looking men go for poor ugly women? They will want to bring pretty and wealthy women out like them for socializating to boost their own egos. I guess the scriptwriter for the 'Secret Garden' knew the reality and created this drama for people like me to take a break from the harsh reality into the romantic fantasy so that we can keep ourselves sane and feel loved as children of God like the wealthy ones. Without such escape into fantasy, I will lose balance and feel that I am hopeless in the world.  The female leading character is as tomboyish as me, except that she is pretty and I am not. A rich well educated man will woo and marry such women only in the romantic fantasy because in reality, no such man in his right mind will marry such woman. I am not upset by such things. I have learnt to accept it since struck by poverty when I was in my early teens. Romantic fantasy is miraculous in a way that it paints the harsh reality with beautiful colours of hopes (maybe false) that what seems impossible in the world is possible in the fantasy world.

At first, the male leading character could not believe he loved ths female leading character as he deemed the woman as too lowly for his status. The man even insulted her again and again and even scolded her for appearing in his thoughts. Ultimately, he loved her and even wanted to be the little mermaid to disappear instead of the woman being the little mermaid disappearing. When their bodies were sawapped under the spell, the man was willing to go through tough training in the woman's body to fulfill her dream for her. He even discovered alot more about the woman in her body and expanded his world even more to accept her. He even revealed his own vulnerable secret to her, trusting her with love. He dared to voice out his ffelings forn her with outright honesty. Sweet, right? The man even went against his mum's objection to be with the woman. He was always there to protect and be with her. Sigh! This only happens in fantasy lo. I like the drama also due to the blurry and dreamy surrounding of the man's house. I like his house made of glass alot. It is white, clean, spacious and futuristic. That is my dream house. So, throughout this show, my imagination brings me happiness through such fantasy. I know I can never own such house and sport car and marry rich man.  No harm dreaming. There is no price attached to such fantasy. Then, I will face the harsh reality when I get out of my room, leaving them behind the closed door. I do not expect such fantasy to turn into reality. I have accepted things as they are. In fact, I am happy escaping into my fantasy from time to time  and I think no man can fit into such criteria, except God. I will never allow any man to shatter such dream of mine by coming into my fantasy world. I have got enough hurt from people just because they think they are much better off than me. I do not blame them or get angry. I can't change their mentality and attitude. All I can do is to accept the reality and stay away from these people of high calibre. I know my limits. I have never been as thickskinned as people have accused me to be. People who know me very well know the real me. God does not create me to be abused in any ways. I am happy in my fantasy world from time to time while working hard and struggling in the harsh world. Nowadays, I have even pushed some appointment from friends to take a break away from the harsh reality into my fantasy world.

I am happy in my own world now. I will contribute in my work. Once in awhile, I will organize some gathering with my loved ones and close friends outside for meals to stay close to one another during weekends at times. I am not made to be someone great to be in the limelight. I am much better hiding in the shadow. My work is hectic. People celebrate mooncake festival at home with loved ones on next Monday. I have to work more than 12 hrs again. Have to work from 9pm on this Sunday till morning on Monday. Then, rush home and rest for three to four hours at home before rushing back to the venue by 6.30am for setup and work till 9pm. I am not confident that my body can take it. During the major event in April, I worked overnight and almost fainted on the next day. I was scolded by my RO for going home right after the event as she did not know I was having dizzy spell and almost too weak to walk. In Monday afternoon, I have to go on the cruise boat until 8pm. I am really scared I will fall sick. I guess no point worrying. My colleagues told me as usual, this is the first time they have to do overnight setup for this event after organizing it for many years. I guess I have the knack of turning things new and attracting changes for the team. They keep on joking with me that I should bathe with floral holy water and go temple and pray. Eversince I join them, there are many changes which they have never encountered before despite their many years of  working here. It's just me lah. I have grown fatter and fatter.I can't imagine how fat I am going to be for the next few monoths. I guess my intake of food is out of control. Sigh! Never mind. I have hit 33 years old liao. At this age, who will bother to look at me? So, it does not matter. I can continue to be a glutton. Ok, time to go back to work. One more hour and I can go back to the 'Secret Garden' behind closed door for my break.

With Love,
Elena

The Secret Garden

Life has been hectic for me. I admit I have neglected my spiritual life abit during this period of my life due to my work. Finally, I managed to spend some time with my grandfather at the nursing home on last Tuesday after not visiting him for two months. The sight of him saddened me. Maybe, saddened is still not enough to describe how I am feeling inside. When my mum and I were there, we realized that the pus was flowing out of his left ankle and his left ankle was swelling quite big. Frankly speaking, I really hate going there. I always end up in a very bad mood each time I visit that place. To me, that place is not for any decent person to stay. Guess what? What pained me was the fact that there were flies landing on him. The place where he was sitting was smelly and dirty. It really killed me inside with that scene. I wonder how my grandfather could tolerate such environment. I can't do anything else. No money to get him to a better nursing home. So, I have to swallow my anger and pain which are eating me inside. My uncle visited him on the day before us. Didn't he realize that his ankle was swollen? Was he too blind to see that? I do not know how much I can tolerate such nonsense. One day, I will just blow up at my uncle and even my dad. Meanwhile, I can only pray for my grandfather to get out of that filthy hell quickly. One sentence from him cut deeper into me which was, 'I can't even remember how my home looks like.' Though one simple sentence, it vividly espressed how much he yearned to go home and how much pain and sadness and disappointment he had towards all of us as his children and grandchildren, including me. How much have we done to improve on his quality of life? I am worse than anyone. I cannot even speak his dialect and need my mum to translate what he is telling me to me. That explains why I do not visit him alone and I need my mum to go as our translator with me. One comforting thing is he still has fellow old folks to talk to him at the nursing home. At least, he no longer isolates himself from the others. He also looks much better now, except that I am worried about his swollen ankle. He has diabetes and I hope it won't become so bad that that part of his leg needs to be amputated which is common among the diabetes patients.

My Secondary school best friend sent me a message two weeks ago. She told me she had early stage of cancer and requested to see me. We were supposed to meet on last Saturday but she had to visit a master for her cancer and we did not meet. Then, she disappeared online suddenly. I am not sure where she is now, whether she is still around. She has been suffering from depression for years and talking weird. I am not sure hwo she is coping with now. All I can do is to pray for her and to entrust her unto God's hands.Sigh! I guess I can't do anything else for her.

As usual, I do not understand the kind of job I am doing now. I do not understand why I am serving a bunch of pampered 'babies' who need us to plan how to get medicine for them if they were to be sea sick for the upcoming event. They are leaders and much older than me. If they are seriously sea sick, they should know better than us where and what medicine works the best for them. Instead, working team like us get so stressed out over such silly matter. I hate my job. I am also required to do things that go around the system just to get what they want. I feel so silly. I do not see my job with any contribution to the society. All I am doing now is basically to serve a bunch of 'babies' who want their ways. Worse still, I have been arguing with this scholar often. Nowadays, I will shut him up and just do what he says. I am too tired to argue with him. If I stop arguing with someone, it only indicates that I have given up on a person completely.

Many week ago, I accidentally came across some pictures of one of my loved ones. Let's name him as L here. He was in an event. Somehow, when I looked through a few photos of him in a few events for the past few years, I realize that he looked angry when his candid photos were taken. He was not angry. Somehow, when I looked at his photos, he looked angry with his usual expression. In fact, from his look, he looked like someone who can be merciless when someone hinders his ways and I feel his anger within him. Some voice in me keeps on asking me to keep a distance away from him and I even feel his violent tendency in him. At work, whenever I look at the scholar, I do not like looking at him as he has that look of someone with self centeredness with strong self preservation at the expense of hurting people. So far, my dealing with these people accurately show those traits of theirs. Of course, we should not judge its book by its cover. But, somehow, try looking at someone when he relaxes without deliberately coming up with any expression, that is the kind of trait and inner 'attitude' within him most of the time. I ever try looking into the mirror. I have a fierce flook. Well, pretty accurate. I am fierce and can get very bitchy if someone goes overboard. How about you? Look into the mirror and look at yourself. What is the general expression on your face? That may be the very trait or feeling that you have most of the time within you.

Currently, I am watching Secret Garden, another Korean drama serial. I love the garden. It was featured in a way that it was magical. As usual, it is a romantic comedy where the woman who was poor met this freakingly rich man. They had conflicts with each other often and yet they liked each other. The story goes on with the both of them swapped their bodies. I am still in the midst of watching it. The drama serial is my outlet for my romantic fantasy which I know can never happen in reality. This romantic fantasy helps me to be more human, touching on the soft side of me before I face the harsh reality with my tough side. In reality, how will a freakingly rich man woo a poor woman? This can never happen in this modern and materialistic world. It may happen to the minority hidden somewhere. Somehow, I know this will never happen to me. So, I can only escape into the romantic fantasy of the Korean drama serial world. The other reason why I like this serial is its dreamy and blurry secret garden where the secret of the swapping of the bodies betwen the lovers is only known between them. I find Singapore unbearable to live in as I have to squeeze buses or crowded places with no personal space. Some people even stick to me when sitting beside me in the buses which I find very suffocating. In the office, it is all about fighting again for something which I have no interest in at all. I find it unbearable and stressful and lethargic as I tend to need a lot of personal space. That garden in the serial allows me to escape into the limitless nature through my imagination for me to have that space in that fantasy world. If not, I will fall physically sick due to such space constraint with many people fighting for space or anything no matter where I go.

The show also holds its meaning for me. The man and the woman in love swapped their bodies involuntarily through drinking the potion concocted by a woman from the mystery garden. It calls to my mind what it is like to be living with each other as the naked truth according to God's will. Imagine your own personal body touched by someone else with his soul in your body. In the context of marriage, it is supposed to function in that way. Instead of living as individuals insisting on your own ways of living and preferences, you enter into your spouse's world to understand him and love as one, just like how your soul would live in your spouse's body. You take good care of him so as to live healthily as one with him. You are no longer your self-centered self. Of course, it is also not about accomodating and changing yourself so much that you are not yourself, just like your soul won't change to become your spouse's. It is all about loving each other and accepting each other as both of you as individuals are and grow to be more complete through each other and yet complementing each other as a powerful synergy as one to reach out to the others.

That also explains the concept of lovemaking. During the process of lovemaking, it is something like your soul and his are exchanging bodies with his soul getting into your body and vice versa for the purpose of procreation, alluding to the swapping of the bodies in this show. I would not want to have anyone's soul to get into my body and have the risk of my body getting abused, right? It requires faith in God that your spouse is a blessing from God to you and trust in your spouse that you get into the act of lovemaking with him, trusting that he does it out of Love for you and will not abuse your body as his tool for his sexual gratification. When your spouse and you are in the act of lovemaking, it is like swapping your bodies in the secret garden, in the world of mysterious Love to be enjoyed with the blessing of God. That is why I do not understand why some couples would recording the process and posed them online. It is meant to be a private, unique and intimate secret garden to be shared with exquisite delicacy between the two lovers as gifts from God. It becomes cheap free show when it is recorded for display for public eyes. 

I am still watching it. I love the fantasy world. I guess this is the only creative outlet for me to stay balanced, to stay human in  this animal fighting world.  Well, that is life. Hurray! Weekend again. Time to catch up wih my Korean and Hong Kong drama serials. Meetinf my friend at Vivocity for dinner later. It's chilling out time! TGIF!! No matter where you are, rest and relax well over the weekend as these are resting days blessed by God for us to rejuvenate and rest to walk further in our life journey. So, no matter where you are, enjoy your weekend! Cest la vie! :)

With Love,
Elena