My friend and I decided to go for a KTV session at Party World at the last minute at NEX on last Friday night as we were very stressed out with work and decided to have a KTV session as an outlet to de-stress. By the time we finished our KTV session, it was already 2plus in the morning the next day. I went home by taxi. While travelling, I was thinking, 'OMG! This driver is speeding at a high speed of 100km/h. It even went up to almost 120km/h.' I was feeling unwell especially when I was quite feeling quite full and he was speeding all the way, even down certain slope towards a tunnel. Certain parts of the road were bumpy. I was feeling nauseous.
Certain pictures flashed back in my mind during the ride and I freaked out. I recalled the incident when my family and I were in a taxi travelling along a road towards Tampines to visit my aunt during Chinese New Year a few years ago. It was a wet weather. The taxi suddenly skidded and it cut at a high speed across the curb right to the other side of the road which was for the vehicles to travel opposite direction. The taxi almost overturned. According to my sister who was involved with a serious accident, the taxi should have overturned. Somehow, we were protected and the taxi did not overturn and there were not any vehicles coming towards us. If not, I could not imagine what could have happened to us. This whole scene played in my mind while the taxi continued to speed on the last Saturday morning. I was praying to God to keep me safe.
This calls to my mind that sometimes we may have certain experiences or people in our lives which are similar to certain experiences and people in the past, especially the bad ones. Somehow, our minds will automatically bring these pictures to our minds at times. It is good in a way that it protects us from similar harm out of our self protection instinct. However, we may fall into the danger of presuming that things will always happen in the same bad ways or judging some people who are similar to the ones who gave us hell in the past prematurely leading us to biases and hurt. If we fall into such patterns, we may choose to escape and never grow out of them or hurt those people whom we presume are going to be those people who had given us hell.
My question is : Is such presumption sensible? Is there a way to break the vicious cycle and grow out of it or do we just presume that things will happen in the same ways forever and choose to escape? Even if I manage to escape, how long can I escape? How can I lead life to the fullest if I keep on escaping? How many more people do I have to hurt to learn not to escape and presume but to face the music and surrender them to God? In the case of my fear in the speeding taxi where the taxi driver seemed to enjoy his roller coaster ride, I chose to hand it over to God. I could have alighted the taxi as I was very scared within with the flashback in my mind. The fear was so real. In the end, I prayed and let God handle the situation. I reached home safely though I felt giddy after alighting the taxi. The taxi driver even joked with me and made sure that I did not leave any belonging behind and saw me getting into the lift safely before driving off. Ultimately, I learn that we may bump into situations or people similar to bad experiences or people in the past from time to time. Whether I learn lessons and grow through the experiences will depend on how much faith I have in God and how open I am for God to work in my life and how much courage I have to open myself up again.
Nothing is greater than God. So, no matter how big I think my issues may be, God is always greater than them. I always love to meditate on Psalm 23 regularly. It is God's message of love and encouragement with His assurance that I do not go through life alone even through the 'dark valley'. He is my rod and staff with me. 'Only goodness and love will pursue me all my life.' Whenever I bump into situations and people similar to the ones that gave me hell in the past, I must learn to see things and people afresh as every situation or person is unique no matter how similar things or people may be. By presuming and running away, I will only deprive myself of the miracles that God would like to perform in my life. I must pray to Jesus to open my eyes to see the truth and ears to listen to the truth and heart to accept the truth and for the Holy Spirit to guide me how to love others and God and grow to be more open. Even though certain bad experiences will come back to haunt me when bumping into similar situations and people, I lift my fear to God and ask Him to guide me to have breakthroughs in those areas so that I will not hurt anyone and myself and learn through these experiences and grow to be more complete. Running away or presuming does not mean that the issues do not exist. They are just accumulating under the carpet. It just means that I am not growing at certain levels and my mental, psychological and even spiritual states, behaviour and words stay at the level of childishness. Have you ever realized that people who have the tendency to escape from things and people behave and talk in childish manners even if they may have hit 50 years old? Nobody will be losing out but themselves as they have deprived themselves from growing with others and God towards holiness.
Anyway, I thank that 'devilish F1' taxi driver for teaching me that lesson. Though I was scared, it was a fact that the taxi did not skid or overturn and I reached home safely. It was not as bad as I thought. Certain fears which may not be even rational are just imaginary. With this roller coaster taxi ride, I thank God for reminding me not to judge people and presume things. Nobody knows what will happen next as God is a 'creative' God who will turn what seems impossible to human beings into miracles where everything is possible. I think that is the part of the mystery of Love where one can find deep peace and joy during the exciting roller coaster ride with God with a lot of twist and turns. So, hope on and have this absolutely safe ride of surprises with God. He will bring you through the narrow gate to heaven.
With Love,
Elena
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Reflection on the Gospel Reading on the 27 February 2011
Mt 6:24-34
The gospel reading on this day is God’s message to set my focus right on Him. ‘But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides.’ To me, it is easier said than done. It is easier to be practised by the rich for they already have the resources to satisfy their needs and even wants. Prices of things keep on going up but my pay seems to be stagnant. Even when I want to go for further study so much, I still cannot find the financial assistance I need to pay for my school fees. So, no further studies, no further prospect in career, no increase in contribution to household. I am simply stuck. How about retirement? I am single. I may be called to be single. So, I need to earn more money for the exorbitant rate of medical needs and a home to stay. I don’t intend to depend on anyone for everyone has his own share of worries. How can I not be worried as a human being with limited capacity and ability?
However, in the gospel reading today, God is telling me directly,’ If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith?’ I am His child created and loved by Him. How can I not trust Him? All I need is faith of a mustard seed. I need to learn to stop worrying. God loves me so much that He wants me to stop worrying through the gospel reading today. Even as a logical person like me, I am convinced when He says, ‘Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?’ and ‘Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil.’ It makes a lot of sense. Nobody knows what happens next. God wants me to live each day of my life with joy and peace. All I need is to surrender all my worries to God and set my focus right on Him. Then, Wisdom will teach me how to lead life to the fullest out of Love with others and God, as a Creator of everything and everyone inclusive of me, will bless Him in His own ways at His own time. With such faith, I will truly be happy as a child of God.
With Love,
Elena
The gospel reading on this day is God’s message to set my focus right on Him. ‘But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides.’ To me, it is easier said than done. It is easier to be practised by the rich for they already have the resources to satisfy their needs and even wants. Prices of things keep on going up but my pay seems to be stagnant. Even when I want to go for further study so much, I still cannot find the financial assistance I need to pay for my school fees. So, no further studies, no further prospect in career, no increase in contribution to household. I am simply stuck. How about retirement? I am single. I may be called to be single. So, I need to earn more money for the exorbitant rate of medical needs and a home to stay. I don’t intend to depend on anyone for everyone has his own share of worries. How can I not be worried as a human being with limited capacity and ability?
However, in the gospel reading today, God is telling me directly,’ If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith?’ I am His child created and loved by Him. How can I not trust Him? All I need is faith of a mustard seed. I need to learn to stop worrying. God loves me so much that He wants me to stop worrying through the gospel reading today. Even as a logical person like me, I am convinced when He says, ‘Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?’ and ‘Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil.’ It makes a lot of sense. Nobody knows what happens next. God wants me to live each day of my life with joy and peace. All I need is to surrender all my worries to God and set my focus right on Him. Then, Wisdom will teach me how to lead life to the fullest out of Love with others and God, as a Creator of everything and everyone inclusive of me, will bless Him in His own ways at His own time. With such faith, I will truly be happy as a child of God.
With Love,
Elena
Monday, February 21, 2011
Fire of Love vs Fire of Anger
The last week had been a stressful week for me to meet various tight deadlines and sorting out mess. Stress level ran even higher when the handover was poorly done which caused more frustration and confusion which affected the future project. One colleague was enough to cause hell at work. Firstly, he was supposed to hand over the role and stuffs related to me as I was assigned to take over his role. He tried to sweep the issue of lost softwares under the carpet until I wrote a note on the licences that the softwares were lost before I took over from him. He suggested we solved the issue with our boss only when he saw that note. If not, he intended to hand over to me in that state. What does it tell you? Secondly, he did things very slowly. He needed things to be gone through slowly from step 1, step 2, step 3, ......step 10 while I could skip a few steps to step 10. He could not understand the whole picture when I explained to him and he insisted on his way and presumed things. I refused to as I could forsee that such presumptions of similar nature which had got him into such mess would also get me into trouble in the future and he seemed to refuse to learn from it and continued to argue his way. Thirdly, he showed me his attitude of impatience and as if I was asking stupid question when I asked him certain matters since his handover was poor. He kept on interrupting me before I could even finish asking and claimed that I had asked him before. After that, he realized that I was not asking him the questions he presumed I was going to ask. After all these weeks of nonsense, I had enough of his nonsense which hindered me from moving on and I blew up on Friday.
I was finally consumed by the fire of anger when I blew up. I was getting very impatient with him as I kept on wondering why an university graduate just could not see the big picture and kept on insisting on his way. Worse still, he even showed his bad attitude to me. However, no matter what, I knew I was at fault once I blew up. Instead of being consumed by the fire of Love to be impatient and understanding and humble and keeping my fire of anger under the control of the fire of Love, I gave way to the fire of anger where I blew up and burnt my relationship with him through the uncontrollable explosion of my anger and impatience and arrogance. During such explosion, I had become god and I was not led by the Holy Spirit anymore since my arrogance, impatience and bad temper had overtaken instead. I became self centered and gave way to my fallen human nature which caused certain degree of damage to my relationship with my colleague. I did try to keep it under control but he kept on arguing his way until I raised my voice abit and asked him to listen before he talked. Some colleagues around me knew I was worked up. Then, he understood why I did certain things and saw the pictures. I also realize that the fire of anger had also blocked his ears of listening to the truth.
From this incident, I learn that I can choose to be consumed by the fire of Love where understanding, love, self control and patience are the ingredients of Love. This fire is just like a controllable fire where the Holy Spirit is the regulator to control the fire of Love which cooks these ingredients into nice exquisite delicacy to be savored with taste and enjoyment as seen in a good relationship between two people. If not, the fire of anger is the uncontrollable fire where it burns any relationship along the way. I must keep on reminding myself that everyone is different and his pace of thinking may be slower. I must learn to slow down and accept the person as who he is instead of thinking why he is so stupid and slow to see certain things. Only when I learn to slow down and be patient, I allow the fire of Love to take over me and lead me to build better relationship with people. I should not judge harshly as I am also a person with flaws and harsh judgement will only cause biases which hinder me from being understanding and accepting people as who they are. These bible verses come to my mind where I can meditate on whenever I am blinded by the fire of anger and seek to melt the blindness by the fire of Love in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-13
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated,
5 it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,
6 it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.
7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing.
9 For we know partially and we prophesy partially,
10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.
11 When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things.
12 At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face. At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known.
13 So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
________________________________________________________________________
With Love,
Elena
I was finally consumed by the fire of anger when I blew up. I was getting very impatient with him as I kept on wondering why an university graduate just could not see the big picture and kept on insisting on his way. Worse still, he even showed his bad attitude to me. However, no matter what, I knew I was at fault once I blew up. Instead of being consumed by the fire of Love to be impatient and understanding and humble and keeping my fire of anger under the control of the fire of Love, I gave way to the fire of anger where I blew up and burnt my relationship with him through the uncontrollable explosion of my anger and impatience and arrogance. During such explosion, I had become god and I was not led by the Holy Spirit anymore since my arrogance, impatience and bad temper had overtaken instead. I became self centered and gave way to my fallen human nature which caused certain degree of damage to my relationship with my colleague. I did try to keep it under control but he kept on arguing his way until I raised my voice abit and asked him to listen before he talked. Some colleagues around me knew I was worked up. Then, he understood why I did certain things and saw the pictures. I also realize that the fire of anger had also blocked his ears of listening to the truth.
From this incident, I learn that I can choose to be consumed by the fire of Love where understanding, love, self control and patience are the ingredients of Love. This fire is just like a controllable fire where the Holy Spirit is the regulator to control the fire of Love which cooks these ingredients into nice exquisite delicacy to be savored with taste and enjoyment as seen in a good relationship between two people. If not, the fire of anger is the uncontrollable fire where it burns any relationship along the way. I must keep on reminding myself that everyone is different and his pace of thinking may be slower. I must learn to slow down and accept the person as who he is instead of thinking why he is so stupid and slow to see certain things. Only when I learn to slow down and be patient, I allow the fire of Love to take over me and lead me to build better relationship with people. I should not judge harshly as I am also a person with flaws and harsh judgement will only cause biases which hinder me from being understanding and accepting people as who they are. These bible verses come to my mind where I can meditate on whenever I am blinded by the fire of anger and seek to melt the blindness by the fire of Love in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-13
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated,
5 it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,
6 it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.
7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing.
9 For we know partially and we prophesy partially,
10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.
11 When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things.
12 At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face. At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known.
13 So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
________________________________________________________________________
With Love,
Elena
Friday, February 18, 2011
Reflection on the Gospel Reading on the 20 February 2011
Mt 5:38-48
It is all about not being calculative, such as how many times I should forgive someone who has wronged me, how I should get back at someone, how much I should help, etc. When it comes to perfection as depicted in ‘So be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect’, can perfection ever be calculated? If it can be calculated or measured, it can never be perfection for there is still room for increase or improvement or change. God is perfect Who does not need improvement or change. As children of God, we should not be measuring or calculating how many times I have to forgive, who I should forgive, ie. I only forgive the people I like while going against or holding grudges towards people I dislike, etc. That is the worldly teaching where there is a lot of calculation involved such as the calculation of profitable going to be earned out of certain amount of investment where the gospel reading has illustrated through ‘Do not the tax collectors do the same?’. God’s love is limitless, unlike the resources of the world where the resources are limited to meet the unlimited wants and needs. In the Kingdom of God, God’s love is abundant. It will only increase when shared with more and more people. There is no need to be stingy in sharing it or trying to earn it or snatching away from the others.
If God’s love for us is limitless, our love for others should also be limitless for ‘So be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect.’ When I am going closer and closer to holiness, that means I am sharing more and more of my life with others, including forgiving and loving everyone ‘seventy seven times’, since God is perfect and I will only be perfect for allowing more and more of this Perfect God to take over in my life. Then, I will grow more and more like the image of God which is God’s loving plan for my existence. Of course, God will protect us from being abused for He will bless us the Wisdom as to how to share His Love with the others while protecting us from harm and abuse as long as we heed the prompting of the Holy Spirit within us. The Holy Spirit will guide us how to best share God’s love with everyone in our lives so that the Kingdom of God will expand. So, rest assured that God is always there to protect you from harm. Have the courage, open your heart and share the Love within you by sharing your life with the others. The Holy Spirit will guide you as long as you are staying close to God.
With Love,
Elena
It is all about not being calculative, such as how many times I should forgive someone who has wronged me, how I should get back at someone, how much I should help, etc. When it comes to perfection as depicted in ‘So be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect’, can perfection ever be calculated? If it can be calculated or measured, it can never be perfection for there is still room for increase or improvement or change. God is perfect Who does not need improvement or change. As children of God, we should not be measuring or calculating how many times I have to forgive, who I should forgive, ie. I only forgive the people I like while going against or holding grudges towards people I dislike, etc. That is the worldly teaching where there is a lot of calculation involved such as the calculation of profitable going to be earned out of certain amount of investment where the gospel reading has illustrated through ‘Do not the tax collectors do the same?’. God’s love is limitless, unlike the resources of the world where the resources are limited to meet the unlimited wants and needs. In the Kingdom of God, God’s love is abundant. It will only increase when shared with more and more people. There is no need to be stingy in sharing it or trying to earn it or snatching away from the others.
If God’s love for us is limitless, our love for others should also be limitless for ‘So be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect.’ When I am going closer and closer to holiness, that means I am sharing more and more of my life with others, including forgiving and loving everyone ‘seventy seven times’, since God is perfect and I will only be perfect for allowing more and more of this Perfect God to take over in my life. Then, I will grow more and more like the image of God which is God’s loving plan for my existence. Of course, God will protect us from being abused for He will bless us the Wisdom as to how to share His Love with the others while protecting us from harm and abuse as long as we heed the prompting of the Holy Spirit within us. The Holy Spirit will guide us how to best share God’s love with everyone in our lives so that the Kingdom of God will expand. So, rest assured that God is always there to protect you from harm. Have the courage, open your heart and share the Love within you by sharing your life with the others. The Holy Spirit will guide you as long as you are staying close to God.
With Love,
Elena
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Reflection on the Gospel Reading on the 9 February 2011
Mk 7:14-23.
I totally agree with the gospel reading today, especially 'But what comes out of the man, that is what defiles him. From within the man, from his heart, come evil thoughts, unchastity, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, licentiousness, envy, blasphemy, arrogance, folly. All these evils come from within and they defile.'. What we say or do reflects what is inside us. I can be very cold and harsh with my words with others. And, I also treat myself that way. That is because I think my heart is hardened by the harsh reality over the years. I should not blame the environment. Rather, I allow it to influence my mind and heart. I am not steadfast in my faith in God. Normally, people who blame others and things are the very people who do not have courage and humility to face their own mistakes and learn from them. Ultimately, it is not going to destroy other people but myself. I choose to shift the blame on others for all the hurt and mistakes I have committed and refuse to be responsible. The first step is to be aware of my sins and have the humility to acknowledge I have sinned. Then, I have to learn to open up myself and lift all my sins to God and truly repent. Then, God’s Love in the form of the Holy Spirit will be not blocked by the sins from working within me. Often, the Love is always there but it is due to my sins that I do not experience the Love.
I must learn not to set too high standard on others and myself that I do not have the compassion and become harsh on others and self. Love must be the foundation of all matters no matter what I do or say. If not, my actions and words are going to hurt others and myself. My mission here is to share God’s Love with the others. So, if my life is not even led by Love, how can I even share it with the others?
With Love,
Elena
I totally agree with the gospel reading today, especially 'But what comes out of the man, that is what defiles him. From within the man, from his heart, come evil thoughts, unchastity, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, licentiousness, envy, blasphemy, arrogance, folly. All these evils come from within and they defile.'. What we say or do reflects what is inside us. I can be very cold and harsh with my words with others. And, I also treat myself that way. That is because I think my heart is hardened by the harsh reality over the years. I should not blame the environment. Rather, I allow it to influence my mind and heart. I am not steadfast in my faith in God. Normally, people who blame others and things are the very people who do not have courage and humility to face their own mistakes and learn from them. Ultimately, it is not going to destroy other people but myself. I choose to shift the blame on others for all the hurt and mistakes I have committed and refuse to be responsible. The first step is to be aware of my sins and have the humility to acknowledge I have sinned. Then, I have to learn to open up myself and lift all my sins to God and truly repent. Then, God’s Love in the form of the Holy Spirit will be not blocked by the sins from working within me. Often, the Love is always there but it is due to my sins that I do not experience the Love.
I must learn not to set too high standard on others and myself that I do not have the compassion and become harsh on others and self. Love must be the foundation of all matters no matter what I do or say. If not, my actions and words are going to hurt others and myself. My mission here is to share God’s Love with the others. So, if my life is not even led by Love, how can I even share it with the others?
With Love,
Elena
Monday, February 7, 2011
A Joyous But Rather Confusing Chinese New Year
I have one of the more meaningful Chinese New Year this year. I had invited my youngest aunt and her family over to my place on the first day of Chinese New Year as I also wanted to play sparklers with my cousins. Who knows it turned out that my grandmother and my uncles and other aunty also came? We even managed to have a few of us taking our first family photos. I was touched and overjoyed. All of us enjoyed ourselves. That was the first family gathering I had organized. Though I had burnt a big hole in my pocket, I burnt it with such joy. I love seeing such joy and fun that all of us had. Some of them who were shy about taking family photos broke through themselves and joined in the fun. Actually, I love fun and laughter. I always dream to have my own house with my spouse where we can gather people at my house every week to have fun. Such joy can never be bought with money. I thank God for all the people who were at the gathering. No words can ever express my gratitude to God and those people who participated in that gathering.
Family ties are very important. No money can buy them. I have learnt that one must make the efforts and even spend money to organize the gathering. Though tiring, it is really worthy. It is one of the gifts from God. The presence of all the people definitely contribute to the gathering. When you see them laughing and enjoying themselves, all efforts are paid off. This is one way of asahring God's Love with the family.
I also have a rather confusing Chinese New Year. I am not sure what God wants from me. I have been avoiding a person as I can't handle my feelings whenever I see him/her. I have avoided all the places that he/she would most probably go. I tried not to step into area where he/she stays. The worst thing was my friend gave my ther friends and me a lift last night and the first stop was where that person stays as my friend wanted to send my other friend home first. Then, his van passed by the place where I used to meet the person often. I have been avoiding those places to avoid him/her. Then, people keep on mentioning the area he/she stays. Finally, I met him/her at a shopping mall just now. I had prayed to God to intervene yesterday and yet I still met him/her just now. Whenever I prayed to God to intervene, I would always bump into him/her. I am very tired. I still have not got over certain feelings over him/her and have been trying to kill those feelings in me. How can I destroy them completely if I keep on bumping into him/her? I just want my relationship with the person to be right by destroying all those feelings that I should not have for that person. But, how can I get over those feelings if I keep on bumping into him.her? I have tried to kill those feelings that I get so trapped. I don't know how to avoid anymore. I am very tired. I have tried my best to destroy those feelings. What should I do? Does God want to drive me to the edge? My friend asked me not to control and let things go naturally last night but I don't want to take the risks. I am very confused. The more I push him/her away from me, I keep on feeling so wrong. Why is that so? I am just trying to do something right. I am trying to get the relationship right and have the right approach towards him/her. Why can't I get rid those feelings? I keep on asking God to intervene and He keeps on giving us opportunities to bump into each other. I even keep on asking God to bless me with a spouse. But, instead of meeting my future spouse, I keep on meeting him/her. What does it mean? It has happened so many times. I am scared. I don't want to cause my loved one to sin. I am very confused. I no longer know what God wants.
With confusion,
Elena
Family ties are very important. No money can buy them. I have learnt that one must make the efforts and even spend money to organize the gathering. Though tiring, it is really worthy. It is one of the gifts from God. The presence of all the people definitely contribute to the gathering. When you see them laughing and enjoying themselves, all efforts are paid off. This is one way of asahring God's Love with the family.
I also have a rather confusing Chinese New Year. I am not sure what God wants from me. I have been avoiding a person as I can't handle my feelings whenever I see him/her. I have avoided all the places that he/she would most probably go. I tried not to step into area where he/she stays. The worst thing was my friend gave my ther friends and me a lift last night and the first stop was where that person stays as my friend wanted to send my other friend home first. Then, his van passed by the place where I used to meet the person often. I have been avoiding those places to avoid him/her. Then, people keep on mentioning the area he/she stays. Finally, I met him/her at a shopping mall just now. I had prayed to God to intervene yesterday and yet I still met him/her just now. Whenever I prayed to God to intervene, I would always bump into him/her. I am very tired. I still have not got over certain feelings over him/her and have been trying to kill those feelings in me. How can I destroy them completely if I keep on bumping into him/her? I just want my relationship with the person to be right by destroying all those feelings that I should not have for that person. But, how can I get over those feelings if I keep on bumping into him.her? I have tried to kill those feelings that I get so trapped. I don't know how to avoid anymore. I am very tired. I have tried my best to destroy those feelings. What should I do? Does God want to drive me to the edge? My friend asked me not to control and let things go naturally last night but I don't want to take the risks. I am very confused. The more I push him/her away from me, I keep on feeling so wrong. Why is that so? I am just trying to do something right. I am trying to get the relationship right and have the right approach towards him/her. Why can't I get rid those feelings? I keep on asking God to intervene and He keeps on giving us opportunities to bump into each other. I even keep on asking God to bless me with a spouse. But, instead of meeting my future spouse, I keep on meeting him/her. What does it mean? It has happened so many times. I am scared. I don't want to cause my loved one to sin. I am very confused. I no longer know what God wants.
With confusion,
Elena
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