I am supposed to be out enjoying my usual ‘me’ time. But, I
was forced to go home early due to health issues. Hope to rest well to prepare for my work on
Monday. So, here I am, writing from my
bed for reflection since I cannot sleep. Maybe, that is God’s way of ‘forcing’
me to sit down and have some quite time. If not, I will be wandering outside
like a bird without legs.
Everyone is a book. It’s up to each individual if he/she
decides to be an open or closed book. Some even locked it with keys which can
only be opened by loved ones. I guess I am an open book since I am open about
my life through writing. My reason of writing is not about getting approval or
gaining number of ‘likes’. I am not out to impress. I love through sharing my life.
God is my Author. I hope people whom God directs to my blog entries will
realize something about certain aspects of their lives or even learn from my
mistakes. Trust me. You will not want to live with certain regrets which I am
still living with though the other party had never blamed me till her death and
I have forgiven myself. It’s still a regret nevertheless. No amount of
counselling or time passed can eradicate that regret.
To some of my friends, I may be mean to cut off ties. The
issue lies with I keep quiet about things most of the time about certain
friends or people in my life until I think that I have given enough chance.
They have not done anything drastically wrong to me. It’s just that I have had
enough of being treated as a tool. I am
an outgoing person in a way that I can strike up conversations with strangers
if I want to. If any topics interest me, I can talk on and on for hours,
especially intellectual topics. I am not implying that I am smart or
intellectual. Intellectual topics do stimulate thoughts in me. I am definitely
not good with small talks, not even in events during office hours and I find
them meaningless. That is why you will not see me getting involved with small
talks in any ways. If I ask a person,
‘How are you?’, that is my way of showing concern. That is not my line for
striking up small talks.
I find the world increasingly more difficult to live in. I
feel that all of us are more encouraged to live the desired images that people
expect us to be than being who we really are.
I have been thinking of deleting my Facebook account as I find it
increasingly meaningless and yet I still keep it for keeping myself informed of
what is happening around. Connecting with friends on Facebook is not my
priority. I have unfriended some people not because I want to break my contacts
with them or I hate them. It’s just that I am not interested in spamming
people’s Facebook pages with my posts. They are only interested on the people
who have some desired traits such as beauty, intelligence, high status, etc.
through their obvious Facebook behavior. It becomes like an idol worship. Since they
have target audience in mind, why should I continue with such meaningless
Facebook connection? Who keep these people in my list to show that I have many
friends when I don’t even feel their sincere friendships at all?
Usually, I have an accurate instinct about people but I keep
quiet about things most of the time. Not 100% accurate but at least 90%. Some
of my ex-colleagues were shocked by how accurate I had predicted certain
people’s characters and future behavior way even before those people revealed
them finally. I remember one incident
when I was in Sec 5 where my Science teacher talked to me about who and who
were trying to bully me or take advantage of me. All I replied to her every
sentence was, ‘I know it.’ She rebuked since I knew it, why I still allowed
those people to bully me. I just shrugged and kept quiet. I was thinking to
myself that it did not hurt me and cost me a part of my flesh to help out.
Since I was free, I just helped out. Anyway, I was free and I might learn
something out of helping out. I really meant it when I answered my Science
teacher who meant well that I knew what those people were up to. It’s just that
I did not bother to expose them. That was how I was first exposed to the
merciless corporate world right in school. I got to see how some people could
mingle with you well only to backstab you. How people fought to get what they
wanted. I saw how my deceased teacher suffered from the mockery of most
teachers and students. Some maligned her for not doing certain things behind
her and yet pretended to be full of respect for her in front of her and even
during her funeral in front of the others. My friends all thought I worshipped
her as my idol. Most teachers and students spread rumours about me and her and
even accused me of currying favour her. Some even accused me of stalking her as
a lesbian. I didn’t care a damn thing since I was there to help her out
whenever she needed help as I saw with my own eyes how students passed by her
without helping her when her things dropped on the floor. I did not defend her
as defending her would only invite more rumours and troubles to her in school.
I kept my mouth shut though I wanted to speak up for her many times. I thought
people like her deserve help. Though down with chronic illness, she still did
her best to teach in school till her death. There was one Saturday when that
silly woman still struggled to school to give tuition just for a few students
during her flare up of her illness and only to get me to help her out of school
which I had failed due to some reasons after her tuition. How could I just
leave such a dedicated teacher who contributed much to education in lurch?
Personally, I looked up to her as a mother as I was having
complex family situation where my parents were absent during that period of
time. If not for her, I will not be here today. Not afraid to admit, I
continued to stay in Normal Stream because I wanted to be there for her and help
her. I ever saw her looking into blank space looking very down. I ever happened
to see her in pain which she suffered daily. I thought things through after my Sec 2 form
tutor came to me during the release of mid-year exam results that he had
recommended me to the principal that I could get into Express Stream. I considered that option carefully. I rather
stay back in Normal Stream to spend more time with my then sickly teacher whom
I saw as a mother. I knew she would not live long. I was aware of facing the
consequences of being despised by others in the future for coming from a Normal
Stream. I even overheard about some students talking among themselves that I
was a failure in my studies. To me, life is much more than academic studies. If
you ask me to choose again, I will still pick the same option. I know I have never
judged my then sickly teacher wrongly. She taught me values and protected me
from being abused by some teachers in school. She led me to the right path. She
taught me how to be a responsible person. She taught me to help the less
fortunate which I was awarded with top Singa Award later on in 1994. She
offered me a box of cake when my family and I were starving. She borrowed calculator
for me when I couldn’t afford one in school. She couldn’t do more for me as
there were regulations set by the Ministry we had to follow. After my Secondary
education, she took care of my education and even my well-being till her death
as my life was very challenging at that time. My life changed for the better
because of her. She took care of my daily
expense, education and medical bills. She would check on my condition from time
to time as I was sick at that time. She would make sure that I chose the
subjects according to my ability with the help of her husband who was a
lecturer from a well-known college. While helping me, she would make sure I
would not be overly dependent on her. I think she knew she would not live
long> I was well aware of that when I held her hand during one part of mass
when everyone of us had to hold one another’s hands as a big Catholic family. I
could feel her brittle bones which seemed hollow within. I held her hand abit tighter
and I would have broken her bones.
When I was out in the corporate world with merciless job
environment for my first job, I was well prepared with what I had learnt from
the corporate world in school. Some ex-colleagues were shocked by how I seemed
to know much about corporate world at my young age during my first few years of
work. Some people do not respect administrative staff. They think we are
failures in school with no choice but to be forced to be an administrative
staff. Some colleagues think that I am overly sensitive. I would not think so.
Daily behavior tells it all but I choose to keep quiet. They don’t mean to send
that message to me but their body language sends that message subtly without
knowing. But, it still hurt. For instance, I refused to play strategic game for
teambuilding activity. Not that I am picky and trying to be difficult. But, I
was very unhappy and insulted after the game. When I told them the clue, nobody
listened to me but insisted on getting a hint from the organizer. In the end, the
organizer said exactly the same thing as what I had mentioned. Another example
is when I sometimes asked people to get certain things cleared as instructed by
my boss, they gave me an attitude that I had nothing to do and they had much more
important things to do than to clear the stupid items. I felt stupid as I also couldn’t care about
whether they cleared the items but I was under my boss’ instructions to make
such stupid request since it was my responsibility to do so and I understood
where my boss came from. Another instance is during normal conversation, one
even told me I did not travel to that country and would not know how safe that
country was. How did he know I had never travelled there? It was precisely I
used to travel there quite often that I knew how dangerous it is to stay there.
But, I just kept silent since he sounded very confident that I did not know
that place. I wonder how he gathered that I had never traveled there without
asking me at all. That was the assumption he made. Does it tell that he was
sending me a message that I was ignorant in his mind?
I am not referring to any particular organization. It is the
general attitude people have towards us as administrative staff. I had people
coming to me telling me they treated administrative staff like shit. I also had
people giving me career advice of not trying for some positions, implying that
it was beyond me or too late for me to try those positions. However, when I
emerged top in one course, the career advice was totally different, asking me
to aim high. I wonder what rubbish they were trying to tell me or they were
suffering from multiple personalities. One boss thought I was too sensitive. I
just kept quiet and simply told her I would not think so. Certain things do not
have to be thrashed to your face to get the message that they think you are
stupid. Daily behavior would tell it all. Actions speak louder than words. Anyway, organizations treat us differently.
You can see if the organizations treasure the staff or not through the
benefits. It’s not about being calculative or not. It’s factual. Look at the networking
functions, courses and seminars the people holding positions of executives and
above attend. Look at the exposure they have, especially from overseas trips. Then,
some of them think that I am stupid and do not seem to have high level of
thinking or exposure. Hello, look at what you are all exposed to and what I am
exposed to. I can only know the world outside by going through mostly
syndicated articles. Am I really stupid or no opportunities to exposure? Look
at simple things like they can work from home. For me, even if I injure myself,
I still have to struggle to work and people asked me why I don’t work from home.
I just told them because of my position. They can work from home according to their
convenience. It’s the same everywhere even if I leave my current organization.
That shows people of my positions are not of values to the organizations and
easily replaced in general.
I am disappointed by friendships again and again. I seldom
tell those people why I leave them. They think I am petty. I don’t want to
explain at all since they don’t even bother to understand me. Imagine you have
a friend telling you she does not like anyone prettier than her and keeps
mocking about your big eyes or your thin frame first thing every morning.
Imagine another friend asks you not to dream of marrying a rich man because you
are ugly. Imagine a friend uses you as a tool to gain the attention of a guy
she likes or tries very hard to get you to praise her. Imagine a friend tells
you you have a man’s figure just because someone commented she had a man’s
figure in that morning. If not, she will criticize your every feature at times.
Imagine women hurt or attack you just because you get the attention of a man
whom they like or worship even after you had stayed far away from him. All
these things happen not just for a month but for years. How would you feel? Are
they even considered as friendships? In the end, these people turned to me and
told me I was heartless by just breaking friendships like that. They have
totally forgotten how I had gone through thick and thin with them and took care
not to hurt their feelings by not criticizing their sensitive areas. When they
needed a shoulder to cry on, I was there. When they were sick, I was there.
When they needed advice on their jobs, I was there. If I expected them to be
perfect, I could have left them when they had problems. Of course, I have my
own flaws and may have offended them at times. I am no saint. But, I never mean
it. At least, I don’t remember telling them what they had criticized me. Anyway,
nowadays, I find networking superficial and lack of sincerity. most networking
is just transactions. Who will network with people of low positions like us? On
a business level, people will only network with people who hold certain
positions and have the potential to help them some time in the future. Most
friendships are with conditions attached. It goes you are my friend only if…..They
are just transactions most of the time.
I also have people who bless me along the way. They have
come and left my life. I can confidently say that I have never let anyone down
by at least doing my best for them except for my deceased teacher who is the
sickly teacher I am referring to above.
My apology did not reach her before her death. I have a strong pride.
Even when I cared for her, I did not care directly. I just saw her in my church
to make sure she was fine quietly. I had
always wanted to have a meal with her. Such simple thing was so difficult for
me as I could not open my mouth to ask. She even asked me one day if I was
going to have my dinner after mass at church. That was my opportunity to have a
meal with her and yet I did not open my mouth. As a result, I suffered from the
consequence of not having a meal with her at all for the rest of my life. She
also did show signs of wanting to reconcile with me during the two years of us
not talking to each other at all. She entrusted me to her husband as my mentor
to be there for me when I needed help or money. I refused to talk to her
thinking that it would be best to leave her alone to enjoy her remaining years
with her daughter as I had hurt her badly earlier on. I stubbornly heeded her husband’s advice to
leave her alone with her daughter and ignored her despite her gesture of
reconciliation also because I wanted her to give up on a student like me. By
ignoring her, I thought she would forget about me and that stopped her from
getting worried and stressed by me since I was just one of the thousands of
students she had taught for more than two decades in her teaching career. One
week before her death, my instinct of her dying which bugged me for one year to
almost depression pushed me to talk to her husband and get his help to pass her
my apology note. He was shocked that I did not talk to my teacher for two
years. I confronted him that he asked me to leave her alone. Obviously, he had
forgotten what he said. He asked me to
write her an apology note and he would pass it to her. Before I wrote my apology
note to her, her news of death devastated me. This apology could never reach
her. Her husband knew I could not handle it. I flunked my A Level exams as I
was given the wrong advice by my school counselling teacher to force myself to
view her cremation when I was still in shock. I almost fainted on the spot.
Years after her death upon my graduation from Polytechnic, her husband talked
to me. She had pinned high hopes on me. She had never given up on me no matter
how I had wronged her. She even left me some legacy for my education which both
her husband and she had initially lied to me that her husband was lending me the
money just like how he had been lending his students money since she knew me
too well that I would never accept any money from her if I had known that it
was her money due to my pride. Whatever I had spent during my A level and
Polytechnic years, I did not have to return a single cent. I remember back in
my Secondary school days, my principal ever told me my deceased teacher wanted
to make me happy but she did not know how to. It’s such a joke played on me
that I realized she treated me like her daughter years after her death. Am I a moron?
Whenever I advised any youths in my church in the past or
any friends, I would always ask them to express their love to their loved ones
while they could, to apologize if they should. I don’t want anyone to live with
regrets like me. Once a person is gone
is gone. I know my Catholic faith teaches me that I can still reunite with her
in the future if my days are up. But, I am still a human with feelings to face
the harsh reality that I can never see her, can never hear her scolding me, can
never apologize to her, can never see her in church, can never hold her hands
during ‘Our Father’ prayers to tell her I am always there for her, can never
have her protection whenever I get bullied, can never say ‘thank you’ to her,
can never have meals with her, can never see her smile, etc. Nobody understood
why I was so affected by her death. My pain got deeper when some friends told
me she was not my mother but just a teacher and why I was so affected by her
death. Grief is not measured by blood relation. It’s about the loss of the
loved one whom you hold dearly in your heart. It’s a part of you which is torn
away with the death of your loved one who used to be part of your life. The
closer you are to each other, the more painful it is, the bigger part of you is
gone. I guess that is the meaning of love hurt, just like how Jesus was severely
hurt and even died for our sins out of Love. When I mention love, it comes in
many forms like friendships, brotherly love, love between a mother and a
daughter, etc. It is not just confined to romantic love. Besides, if you can
grieve only when that person is blood related to you, isn’t it silly to grieve
over the loss of your spouse since you are not even blood related to begin
with?
Everyone is unique. There is no one who can replace anyone.
Everyone is a priceless masterpiece of God. I guess people who are closely
bonded to their loved ones can tell you that. Things are pretty unpredictable.
I have people who suddenly leave my life. I have suddenly lost friends to
suicide. Life has taught me never take people or things for granted.
Familiarity breeds contempt. Sometimes, I take things for granted that the
person is always there.
As for people whom I have left, I will always ask myself if
I have done my best towards them. If I have and I still keep getting hurt by
them, it is time for me to move on and they can grow with the others in their
lives for them to be more complete in Love. Even in the bible, there is mention
of there is time for everything, every season. I am not heartless. Every
friendship I let go, I feel pain. But, I know when the time is up, letting go
is essential for both sides. Honestly
speaking, I know that when my days are up, I won’t have friends to attend my
funeral. Many people find me heartless. I don’t have many friends to begin with.
Many people find me weird. Even a professional thinking style test done in my
church previously showed that my thinking style differed from general population.
The coach realized that I had issues coping with my difference as most people
in church would be against people who were different from them. Most people
would slap you with labels. I have been getting that throughout my life. I even
had problems following Singapore educational system which my coach had
predicted correctly. Many people misunderstood me for being rebellious which I
did not mean to due to my very different thinking style and personality
indicated by many professional tests. One test even suggested people with my
personality suffer chronic loneliness as most people cannot understand and
accept our weird thinking processes. It seems fancy when some priests told me
people like me could bring changes to churches. But, in reality, how many
people are receptive to changes? People
will just slap me with names and throw me out of groups. I am a nobody
everywhere I go. I have slowly come to terms with such harsh reality. Nobody
will know if I am gone. To me, I have accepted it. I come into the world
quietly without knowing these people and I leave quietly.
I will continue to do my best in life and leave the rest to
God. I will continue to share my knowledge and my life if the people are
receptive and are willing to listen. I don’t believe in keeping knowledge or
experiences to myself. Love multiplies when shared. I respect people’s privacy.
Even when I share people’s stories, I take care not to reveal any names or
details that lead these recipients to guess who they are. I will continue to
live life to the fullest until I am called home. I will still continue exploring
the world alone as a wandering bird without legs. C’est la vie!
With Love,
Elena
