The Beauty of Mourning into Dancing

Have just finished reflecting on a book by C S Lewis titled ‘A Grief Observed’. I had lost the most important person in my life at the age of 20. I will address her as mummy here. When I lost her, I could not understand why God had sent her into my life and yet He cruelly tore her away from me. I was too young to know what grieving was all about as I did not have much exposure to the working world yet. What worsened my situation in trying to get over the loss of my mummy was the wrong advice from my school counsellor who had asked me to force myself to view the cremation to face the reality of her death which I did and later was told by a professional counsellor at Temasek Polytechnic that that was my wrong move as I was not even ready to get through my shock over her death for such reality. It took me around eight years to get through this grieving process as I simply swept it under the carpet with it eating me inside for a few years until I got proper guidance from a professional counsellor who happened to be a Catholic.


All of us will grieve over the loss of someone or even something from time to time, be it our desired job, death of a pet or beloved, divorce, etc., which are parts of ourselves. It is known there are stages of grief that we have to go through. But, I am not here to advise on how to get through it as I am not a priest nor a religious sister nor a professional counsellor or psychiatrist.

When I was going through grief, I went through mixed feelings of numbness, agony, pain, torture, etc. Everything seemed to be so dull around me. Even the most beautiful sun became oblivious to me as I allowed myself to fall into the world of darkness. I kept on scolding and questioning God why He allowed such thing to happen. If He was so cruel to tear her away from my life and did not allow me to apologize to her and see her for the last time before her death, why did He even bother to place her in my life, to bring hope to me, to shower me with maternal love? Did He enjoy seeing me in agony, pain, torture? Was I a toy for Him to fool? Why? Why? Why? Was He the ‘Cosmic Sadist’ like how C S Lewis had named Him during his bereavement?

There was one day when God spoke to me through a preacher. He mentioned that God took some people away from me when it was His time as it was time for me to grow from a baby eagle to an adult eagle. When I was a baby eagle in the form of new Christian, God will send people into my life for me to rely on for growth until it was time for me to learn how to fly. How did I learn how to fly? That was when the mother eagle which simply picked the little eagle and dropped it off for it to learn to flap its wings to fly. Then, I realized that God took mummy away when I was about to go to the society to work as He wanted me to learn not to be too dependent on mummy and to be independent as an adult Christian. If mummy were to be around till now, I think I can never grow up as I will be too dependent on her. I will never learn how to be child-like in my faith relying on God. Instead, I will become childish and never learn to grow as I am too dependent on her. My focus will not be on God but on a human being.

Over the years, I do not deny that I still miss mummy very much especially when I face difficulties or fall sick at times. However, as I am growing in faith, I see grieving and death in different perspectives. Grief is not just about getting over. Grief in fact is my gift to the deceased whom I love dearly. I allow myself to grieve. I acknowledge my feelings associated or rose from the grief because this person used to be part of me. Love hurts, just like how Jesus had gone through the agony and pain at the Calvary as the unblemished lamb. The opposite of Love is not hatred but numbness. When a person is numbed, he no longer allows himself to love. He just does not want to open himself to risk getting hurt through loving. Then, he misses alot in life. Rather, I find myself blessed to be able to grieve. When I grieve, I know I have loved. And, that deceased loved one is worthy of my time to love. Through the grief, I allow myself to be reminiscent of the presence of this person in my life, how she had been the face of Christ to me when she was around.

At first, I did not understand why I felt that she is much closer to me after her death though she is no longer here anymore. I finally understand it after my reflection on ‘A Grief Observed’. Though she is no longer here with me in her body, I feel closer to her because she is already part of me which I am not aware of. I still miss her because I am still in my body which needs to experience her love for me through the five senses from the words and actions from her body. It is my body which misses and yearns to experience her love through the physical form of her at times though I am aware of her being part of me. That explains why Jesus had to die in the form of a man for us so that we can experience God’s Love from abstract form to tangible, incarnated form for us to experience this Love through our five senses.

All the people around me are God’s instrument of Love. They are the different faces of Christ to me during different stages of my life. God will know when they should enter into and get out of my life at different stages so that I can grow closer to Him. Even our enemies are God’s instruments for us to grow in holiness. They are there to purify my love so that I can walk towards holiness without biases as true Love never judges or carry any biases. Whenever I dislike or hate someone, I need to reflect why I dislike or hate him/her as I may find that very trait in that person which I hate in myself. It may be hidden or covered by me intentionally or not. I need to ask God to open my eyes to see the truth and learn to accept myself and open myself up to God for God to transform me deep within so that I may grow to be more complete. So, all people whom God has sent into my life are instruments of God for me to grow in Love and to be more complete. When some people get out of my life, they may have completed their tasks of Love in my life and it may be time for them to grow with the others.

Another reason why it was time for mummy to go was God could not bear to see her in pain and torture anymore as she suffered pain and torture daily for twenty seven years. God decided to bring her home twelve years ago. One expensive lesson I had learnt was I took her for granted thinking that she would always be there. My pride and wilfulness stopped me from apologizing to her on time. Before I could even apologize to her, she passed on horribly. Why did I say horribly? She died from complications even without skin, with half of her body rotting away even before her death. The pain within me upon learning about it is indescribable even till now. It pains me deep within, especially when I know that her physical appearance mattered to her very much. It explained why grieving became much more difficult with remorse in it according to my counsellor.

I also saw a new light in it. If it pained me to know that she died horribly, it gave me a glimpse of insight into how painful and tortured God must have felt when Jesus was tortured at all levels with humiliation at the Calvary. This Love for us through the sacrifice of Jesus as His beloved Son on the Cross is so immense that this Love can never be explained or described. If this Love for us can be expressed in words, I am belittling or shrinking God who is Love with insults.

At another level, I have paid a high price not to take people for granted. Whenever my friends have misunderstandings with anyone, I would advise them to reconcile with their loved ones and friends. It is definitely very painful to face the death of my loved one especially when we have unspoken words, unexpressed feelings or things undone or even unheld hands. For me, I can never reverse the past. All I can do is to go for Sacrament of Reconciliation to get forgiveness from God and learn from my lessons. My counsellor did help me in setting up a small altar for me to have a proper closure with mummy by giving me the opportunity to apologize to her in a photo. Nevertheless, it can never be better than apologizing to her face-to –face.

We will never know who will leave us next. I treasure my relationships even more though I may repeat my mistakes from time to time. I really hope that nobody will have to pay a high price before one learns to treasure and spend quality time with his loved ones while he can. Once a person is gone, there is no way for me to get her back and express what has been in my heart. I can speak to her photo or talk to her in the columbarium again and again and yet I know that it will never be better than spending quality time with her while she is around. I can earn all the money in the world. I can hold the highest position in church or organization. What is the point when I am so lonely up there without anyone sharing the happiness with me? What is the point of getting or attaining them when I realize that I have hurt or killed people at different levels? When it is time for me to go, what kind of legacy will I be leaving behind? Hurts? Can I bring this money, status, etc. with me? When God plays back my life as a movie, what will I see?

I do miss mummy from time to time. I wish that she is still here for me to experience her love through my five senses in her body to me, such as listening to her scolding and advice, experiencing the joy of her act of giving me things, holding her hand during mass reciting the Lord’s Prayer, seeing her smile to me, enjoying her concerned look for me, etc. And yet, I know it is my body which misses her love through the expression from her body. I know I am still loved no matter where she is now. The beauty of it is I feel united knowing that I am united with her through the prayers for the dead. This is the beauty of what Catholicism practises. She is still part of me now as she was part of my life when she was around. Whenever I remember her, I may miss all the moments with her and yet not upset about it anymore as all these moments emphasize on her being. I love her for who she is, including all her flaws. I appreciate her as who she is but not just how she has loved me, done for me. Have you ever wondered why at times, lovers do not have to talk much and just enjoy the quiet time with each other? It is all about appreciating each other’s presence. It is all about appreciation and enjoyment of God’s masterpiece of creation of this lover right in front of you with awe. It is all about appreciation of the being of the other person. It is very dangerous when I attempt to change my loved one to the image that I want even if it is not according to God’s will. That is because I am falling in love with the perfect image of that person and I am not falling in love and accepting him as who he is. When his flaws show and he does not change according to what I want, I accuse of him of cheating me and divorce him or break my relationship with him. Only when I learn to appreciate him as a being created by God, I will be able to grow with him with the guidance of God. When I love him as who he is and with God in this relationship, then the Holy Spirit can work freely in me and guide me in this relationship.

There is nothing wrong to mourn. Even Jesus mourned. I mourn because I have lost this person who is part of my life. I mourn because I love. Mourning will turn into dancing only when I learn to see this deceased as God’s gift to me for me to draw closer to God. I no longer focus on the physical loss of this person. Rather, I rejoice in this loss of physical person as she is even closer by being part of me at the spiritual level as I can never deny the fact that she showered me with love through her words and actions when she was alive. Her spirit of love is deep within me for me to move forward with more courage and I am aware that her love is part of God’s Love for me.

God is Love who moves mountains where mourning will turn into dancing when I acknowledge my feelings and turn to God for His Love to heal and tenderize me deep within. Love does hurt. But this hurt will never be greater than Love. Rather than closing all my doors to avoid experiencing any hurt through Love with numbness, I open myself for God to love me through events and people in my life so that I can be more complete as a being towards holiness.

Dancing with Love,
Elena

Heavenly or worldly wealth?

The gospel reading on this Sunday Lk 16:19-31 is reminding me that Christian living is not about self as how the ‘rich man’ had led his life, leaving Lazarus to be ‘covered with sores, who would gladly have eaten his fill of the scraps that fell from the rich man's table.’ Being a Christian, I am called to share God’s Love with the others but not keep the Love all to myself. I may have all the riches in the world but spiritually poor because I am in my own world and have not expanded my world to share my riches with the others, for the good of the others. I should not be self-centered but Christ-centered by following the footsteps of Christ to love using my talents and gifts for the good of others so that other people can have a share of God’s Love. Love is not meant to be kept as the Kingdom of God can expand only through sharing, unlike worldly wealth which will perish with time and can be possessed by one person at a time. Now, I have to ask myself which wealth I value more, the riches in heaven or the worldly riches which will perish with time no matter how tenacious how I hold on to them. Try holding on to the sand with my hand and I will know how it is like to try to hang on to the worldly riches at the expense of everything.


The riches in heaven are waiting for me to enjoy not just after my death but have a taste of them right here on earth. These riches can be found in God’s Love in the form of my strong relationships with others, through the sacraments, the bible and the love behind sharing my worldly riches and my God-given talents and gifts with the others. The kind of joyful, rich experience and fruits of sharing with the others and God which no words can describe at times are the iceberg tip of the taste of heavenly riches. The focus should not be on the accumulation of the worldly wealth but the essence of sharing Love through sharing the worldly riches with the others, in the forms of donating to the poor, buying gifts during special occasions to cheer and encourage someone up, etc. I am not saying that we should not earn more money and save up. What I am trying to say is I should not be so tunnel-visioned  that my mind is just all about accumulation of worldly wealth for myself and find myself lonely with the money as my only partner and friend in my life.

Time on earth is also a worldly wealth where I should spend it on 'going to places where I may not even want to go' at times, such as sacrificing my time for entertainment to serve in a ministry, spending time on becoming a missionary to reach out to the people in poor countries, spending quality time with loved ones instead of on the computer games all the time, visiting the sick and lonely, etc. I do not possess the time as time is given by God for me to draw closer to Him and people. Once God stops giving me the breath of life, my time is up.

Which riches should I go for? The riches in heaven meant as gifts from God to me where I don't have to earn by myself or worldly riches which will diminish with time no matter how tightly I hang on to them even at the expense of hurting others at times?

With Love,
Elena

Reflection on ‘Those who are well do not need a physician, but the sick do.’- Matthew 9:9-13

Most of us behave like the Pharisees from time to time for being judgemental towards people whom we dislike or who have wronged us in some ways. We may think why they deserve to be going close to Jesus. What qualities do they possess to be close to God? In this case, I will miss the whole picture about what Christianity is all about. Jesus has stated clearly in the gospel reading again, ‘Those who are well do not need a physician, but the sick do.’ It serves as a reminder to me that I am just as equally sick which is why I need Jesus’ healing from time to time. Then, who am I to judge that who is qualified to be close to God since I am just as broken needing God? If I claim that I am not broken, then how is God’s love going to penetrate through those cracks in my brokenness to transform me deep within? By declaring that I am complete by myself, I am trying to claim that I am God for only God is complete. Before I judge the others, I must remove the ‘wooden beams’ from my eyes before I remove the ‘splints’ from the others’. This can only be done through examination of my conscience regularly with the guidance of the Holy Spirit and consistent confession through the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Jesus ‘desire mercy’ but not ‘sacrifice’. Jesus is always there for me. It is up to my free will if I choose to be sincerely repentant and follow him like Matthew.

With Love,

Elena

Love is all about for-giving

I am not preaching or teaching here as I am not a religious sister, catechist nor a priest. Just penning down my thoughts and reflection here. I often wonder why it takes 3 years to build a relationship and yet only 3 hours to break one. Nowadays, the divorce rate is getting higher and higher according to the statistic from the newspapers and magazines. It is also high among the Christians. Why is that so? It may be that we choose not to be for-giving (pun). It means we choose not to give part of ourselves to others or not forgiving towards the people who have wronged us. The focus is no longer on God who is Love but on self. It is just about how I feel, how I think, how I live, how I do, etc. There is no room for God, not to mention room for others in us. It is no surprise to me that some people told me some married couples divorced just over how one party could not tolerate the way his/her spouse squeezed the toothpaste out of the tube or how the spouse could not put things back to their original positions in their daily living together.

Love is all about for-giving. When we are in any relationships or marriage, it requires both parties to give up some parts of themselves in some ways, be it time, money, efforts, energy, pride, living habits, etc. for each other. It requires time and efforts in maintaining and building the relationships, just like how a person takes care of his plants consistently for the plants to blossom. In the context of Christianity, God has shown his immense Love for us through the act of Jesus Christ giving up his life for all of us at the Calvary. It is definite that while we love for-giving ourselves to the others, we also love  for-giving other people the opportunities to love us. Love is never a one way track. It is all about giving and receiving love between two or more people. God has shown me His Love through the death of His beloved son and we respond to His Love by accepting and loving Him as my Father through my baptism as a child of God with my free will and spending time regularly with Him meditating on His Word, before the Blessed Sacrament or participating actively in the sacraments, especially the Eucharistic celebration where the real presence of Jesus Christ is there. The Holy Spirit can only work freely through Love. Without love between God and me, the Holy Spirit can never work. Because of the intense giving and receiving of love between the Father and the Son, the Holy Spirit exists to form the Holy Trinity.

If I want my relationships to be right with people, my relationship has to be right with God first. Only then, the Holy Spirit from my close relationship with God can work freely in my life and direct my actions and words in Christ way. Only God knows what is the best for each one of us and knows us through and through as He even ‘knows the number of hair on us’. Only He knows how to draw each one of us closer to one another. Only He knows who should come into my life or leave my life for me to grow in Love during the different stages of my life. All of us are instruments of God for God to draw us closer to Him through our relationships with people. No man is an island. Even a hermit can never claim that he does not need anyone from the fact that he also comes from another human being who is his mother.

Love is also about forgiving. Why are there so many broken relationships or marriages with grudges or fights? It is because I am not ready to let go of my self-centeredness, my pride. Pride is the main culprit for unforgiveness as I have refused to place God and the others above me. Sometimes, what I call principles may be just rules I want to impose on the others even when I am called forth to be more compassionate and those rules do not apply in these exceptional situations. This is depicted in the Pharisees in the bible as they insisted on the rules and laws so much that these rules and laws were above Love where they even accused Jesus of breaking the laws for working or healing the sick on the Sabbath Day. In any relationship, it requires a lot of giving up, adjustment and fine tuning of self for the relationship to work, especially marriage. It is a tall order to forgive people who have wronged us ‘seventy seven times’. It requires dying to self in small ways when called forth for the relationship to work, such as dying to my pride and humbling myself to admit my mistakes and ask for forgiveness from the people whom I have hurt or offended, letting go of the hurt and grudges that I have towards the people who have wronged me and forgiving them with generous hearts, etc. When I forgive, I am freed from the bondages of grudges, anger, bitterness, hatred, etc. which may have hindered me from living life to the fullest. I know that I am freed and have forgiven when I don’t get angry or hurt anymore at the mention of the incidents or upon seeing these people who have wronged me. If not, they may be eating me inside each time I see the people who have wronged me or people mentioning about these unhappy incidents or misunderstandings. Only through forgiving, the Kingdom of God can expand as I am willing to grow by forgiving and loving and accepting these people as who they are, who are also as imperfect as me as only God is perfect. Only through forgiving, the people who have wronged us are no longer bound by my grudges and anger and bitterness but released from them so that whenever they see me, they are at peace and know that there is no knot or ill feelings between us. I cannot claim that I love people when I don’t forgive. When I don’t forgive, it just shows that I am self centered. I have refused to extend the mercy of God to the others and choose to keep this mercy to myself. In this way, I am belittling God as God’s mercy is infinite and His Love through His mercy is too big to be kept within the small me. It is meant to be extended to the others so that the Kingdom of God can expand through sharing this Love with the others by forgiving.

Jesus has broken himself during the Eucharistic celebration so that we may have a share in him. I am also called forth from every mass to continue the mass in my daily living for me to be broken by sharing my life with the others. If I want healthy relationships with the others and need guidance, the advice can be found in the bible. The bible is all about how to live life to the fullest and love other people in Christ way. It is a priceless rich book that holds the secrets to eternal life and God’s message of Love to me like a person’s love letters to his lover. Before I dwell into this book, I must pray first for me to set my focus right on God so that my reading and interpretation is guided by the Holy Spirit. If not, I may interpret the bible with my own human mind and twist it according to what I want subconsciously and cause me to hurt others or carry things to the extremes with destruction.

To conclude, Love is all about for-giving in Christ way. It is easier said than done. I ever had one friend who confided in me that she/he was having problems with his/her mother-in-law. Many times, it even caused him/her to quarrel with his/her spouse and she/he felt like giving up. I just asked him/her what he/she had promised during his/her marriage vow for a few minutes at his/her wedding. He/she took the time to recall the vow for awhile. Then, I told him/her he/she had to walk the talk by fulfilling the vow with the rest of his/her with the spouse through his/her actions and words. It is never easy to love as it calls forth for a person to stay committed to be forgiving ‘seven seven times’ whenever the other has hurt or wronged him/her, and for-giving his/her love again and again to the other and for-giving the other person to love him/her again and again. It takes a generous heart and humility to be willing to break and surrender oneself to God for God’s love to penetrate through the cracks of brokenness to transform him/her deep within and share his/her life deeply with the others. Just like marriage vow which never promises a bed of roses, baptismal vow also does not promise that. That is why I need to rely on God instead of on myself as He knows how difficult it is for me to live by the vow and love in Christ way. He is available for me in the biblical scriptures, Blessed Sacraments, Sacrament of Reconciliation, and Eucharistic Celebration and even through other people. I am never alone. It is up to my free will to seek Him. Wedding anniversary is not just an occasion to celebrate their love for each other. It is also a reminder of the marriage vow that they have made on the day of their wedding. So, it is also a reminder to me the baptismal vow that I had made on my day of baptism and to live by it in my daily living with God in me through my renewal of it on Easter Day yearly.  I am never going through it alone. I have God in and with me.

With Love,

Elena

Christian living is all about moderation in life

Was in Malacca over the weekend with some parishinoners. I did not even know what was in for me and followed blindly with them in God, leaving my experience to God as He never fails me to soak me in surprises. I was high in the Spirit (pun) in terms of the Holy Spirit and the spirit from the beer with my drinking kakis. I really enjoyed my quiet time with God through the mass and Stations of the Cross though I could not really concentrate well during the Stations of the Cross with a mass going on in the background. Nevertheless, I felt joy at a deeper level with the community as I tend to keep to myself most of the time. What I appreciated from the whole journey was the time spent with the people in God.

One beautiful thing about this pilgrimage was I got to see parishioners from different parts of Malaysia and Singapore to come together for the Sunday mass and veneration of the Cross. It was very hot and crowded and yet it did not stop the people from going for the event. The mass was outdoor where most of us would be standing under the sun without the luxury of an air-conditioned parish. I was blessed in a way that I managed to sit down in the shade. I was quite impressed by the celebrant for the mass as he preached with such zeal and his homily was down to earth which also revealed his humility for confessing his own flaws and faults from his past and what it meant to be carrying one's cross. Well, I did dwell into the deeper meaning of the Cross. When I went for the veneration for the Cross, I was cleared from all the clutters in me and all I did to the Cross was to touch the centre of the Cross and said, 'I love you, Jesus. Thank you.' I know that no matter how great I have done or how many deeds I have done or how great I think I may be, they are nothing when compared to Jesus who had died for all of us as an unblemished sheep. If I want to complain, I think he is far more qualified to complain. I am just responding to God's love by practising my faith through my deeds and words to others. I am nothing without him. Even each breath that I have is God's breath to me as a gift. So, I am receiving God's gift every second that I breathe as it comes from Him. Isn't it romantic?

I thank the organizers for such generiosity to organize such trip. The food was delicious penerakan food most of the time (I think it is much heavier for me to carry my cross with the extra weight from the food). I also enjoyed my drinking sessions with my kakis who never left me out though I was the only woman and the youngest among them and yet they did not talk down to me and treated me as their equals. Of course, all of us had our drinking limits as we still knew that our main objective there was for the Lord. We enjoyed and yet we enjoyed without destruction or troubles. That brings to my mind about the beauty of striking a balance in life as led by the Holy Spirit. Self control allows a person to enjoy and yet not go overboard to cause destruction and hurts to others. We love God and others enough not to cause troubles or hurt others. Imagine if we were to drink without self control, I think we would be disturbing others and they had to take care of us or some might turn violent after drinking. Self control when exercised apporpriately would stop us from carrying things to the extremes. And yet, God never says we should not enjoy at all. We are not called to be puritans. We can still enjoy ourselves. Love is gentle. Love never coerces. It is all about moderation. Even in terms of healthy living, it is all about striking a balance in our diet and exercising. Anything carried to both extremes will always cause chaos and hurts. For instance, not exercising will cause a lot of health problems leading to stroke, heart dieseases, etc. Exercising too much will cause tear or injuries to some parts of the body such as the knees, ankles, etc.

It goes the same to relationships. When I only follow the laws, just like the Pharisees, I will judge and follow the rules rigidly, resulting in no mercy or compassion to the others when special exceptions have to be made at times. I become harsh on people. I may impose my own principles on the others. There is no room for compassion and love. Rules become above Love. On the other hand, when we don't have rules or laws at all, we will go out of control and there is no benchmark as to how much we have gone off the tangent or even order at all. I may become greedy and wanting more and more without limits. I will even hurt others and kill just to get what I want without limits. Therefore, it is essential to set my focus on God. God is Love. Love is just like a gentle stream of river where people will find soothing and at peace. God will help me to know where to find the centre so that I will be God-centered but not self centered. Then, this God-centre will direct all the love to the right channels to the right people at the right amount at the right time. All will be controlled by God through the Holy Spirit. I am just an instrument for God's love to flow through me and it will never go wrong.

I will always remember what Fr Paul Goh told us during one of his RCIA sessions, 'Christian living is all about moderation in life.'

With Love,
Elena
 

Lessons learnt from my outing with my assistant priest and friends

My assistant priest is leaving us by 1 October 2010. So, I planned a farewell outing with him and a few friends. All of us enjoyed ourselves. I hope he did enjoy himself too. We had dinner before proceeding on for bowling session. I also don't know why I felt very happy when I saw everyone with laughter. That was also my first time seeing my assistant priest laughing widely (though he may have done so in other occasions when I am not there). From this, I learn that happiness can be very simple as long as we put the good of others above us, as long as we truly love. It's also all about accomodating with love. For me, the dishes that they ordered were not to my taste. Nevertheless, my assistant priest and my friends liked those food. Though I was frank with them about it, I did enjoy myself with them. It was not the food that was important. It was all about spending time together as children of God. It's about the quality time that each of us at the table sacrificed to come together for such gathering when we could have done something else with others. One thing I should be thankful was my assistant priest has never put on the front of a priest who is too high up there for us to reach. In fact, I feel at ease with him when he is with us as his humility and simplicity make all of us comfortable with him. This is one of the faces of Christ that I have seen through him. All of us were crazy and had fun and be ourselves. That is why I also learn from him that humility is so important when it comes to reaching out to the others. It tears down the walls of pretension for others to be who they are. This is very important because for true transformation to take place within a person, he has to be honest and true to be himself so that those traits or skins that are not meant to be part of him can be melted with God's love for him to be closer to holiness.  This will also help the people whom God send into his life to have a true picture of him and help him with his transformation.

One thing beautiful about the gathering last night was our age range was quite wide with the youngest being only 14 years old to the oldest in their mid 40s with the mix of married, singles and a priest and different characters. This draws to my mind that it does not matter how different the backgrounds of the people may be in a group or ministry, how different their characters, thoughts, etc. are, we share the same identity as the children of God. It's all about having generous hearts to accept that we are all unique as individuals as different parts of the body of Christ and yet we are all within the same body with Christ as the head. When it comes to the Eucharistic celebration, all are welcome with Christ in us as children of God through our baptism. When all of us are Christ centered, all of us, as different parts of the body of Christ, allow the Holy Spirit to work freely in all of us bringing us together within the group and bearing fruits to share with others with our different talents and gifts. Holy Spirit can work freely only when there is Love with the focus on God who is Love. However, if we choose to be self centered and go on our separate ways, we can never function as the body of Christ and division exists, leading to fights and conflicts which result in spiritual wounds and even death if the people refuse to see one another just as important as themselves to work together and love. 'My way' will only lead to 'no way' to holiness. Only Christ way will lead us to pass through the narrow gate to eternal life.

I give thanks to God for the gathering yesterday. Everyone's presence last night was a present to one another. I thank all of them for such wonderful time last night. Nobody, no matter how small he thinks he is, is unworthy. May all of us continue to be blessings to the others! We do not need to do anything big to share God's love with the others. In fact, sometimes, our very presence of be-ing to the others is a present to the others, just as it is not what we do to make us worthy of God's love. Rather, God loves me as my be-ing as a child of God created by Him. In this way, I know I will never need to fight for anything or do things just to earn God's love. It is not earned. I just know that God loves me as His child no matter what as His love for me is never dying for through Jesus, death is conquered through Jesus' death that leads to resurrection.

With Love,
Elena

Love or transaction?

I love falling in love with Love. It's a wonderful feeling to fall in love with Love again and again which is beyond description. Who is this Love? He is none other than my Heavenly Father. I tend to drift in and out of many things and groups which can be beyond my awareness most of the time. No matter how far I drift away, He will always pursue me no matter what. Even when I am outside the church, He will never fail to care for me through people and His Word through the scriptures. I often wonder how many people can love without setting any conditions to it?

God has loved me so much that He had sent His very beloved Son to die for all sinners though Jesus is without any blemish!! With the obedience that Jesus has out of Love for God and the people, He was willing to go through the torture and humiliation at all levels as a human being like anyone of us and through death, He conquered death and resurrected so that this Hope out of the resurrection through death to self can continue to live forever and ever for all of us. It is very evident in the sacraments that I have to go through as a child of God, especially where I am forgiven again and again through the Sacrament of Reconciliation for me to draw closer to God and community as long as I am truly sorry for my sins and repent. God's mercy is infinite because love starts with forgiving 'seventy time seven times'. That means God loves me no matter how worthless or bad I think I may be. The parable of the prodigal son explains how God welcomes any of His children who have sinned and are truly repentant for his sins.

Are any sins greater than God? The answer is 'No' as long as one is willing to repent. The grace of God is ever present to forgive us is through the always available Sacrament of Reconciliation. Pope John Paul II forgave his assassin who tried to take his life away. How about me? Am I willing to forgive others who have wronged me in any ways? Frankly speaking, I find it difficult at times. I really feel like slapping some people at times and yet I know that this is not Christ way of loving. Love requires the courage and the expansion of heart to love and accept again despite the potential exposure to get hurt again. Such courage and generosity to love again and again is only possible from the infinite grace of God. When I start to judge, I also have to look at myself. If God can forgive me, why am I still holding on to grudges towards the others? I have to remove the 'beam' from my eyes before I even attempt to remove the 'splinter' from the others. If I start judging people without realizing that I, too, sin from time to time, I will become self righteous and have the danger of putting others down and take things within my control. I may even impose my principles and judgement on the others and hurt them even deeper or take actions in the name of just to retaliate. This may result in the many poilitics we see everywhere, even in church settings with individuals against individuals or groups against groups, leading to spiritual murder and death ultimately. Do we feel very drained after fighting against one another for a long time? Yes!! Why? It is an indication that we are bleeding spiritually and going to spiritual death from such bleeding. So, why fight?

Sometimes, when I love, I set some conditions on it. One instance is only when you are rich, do well in your career, follow my ways of doing things or no way, etc., I will 'love' you. Is that really love? That is just a transaction where one thing is in exchange for another according to what I want. That is according to my will. I am playing God. Does God do that to us? The answer is 'No!'. Jesus has ever excliamed before,' Only the sick need the physician.' In fact, He had sent His Son down to our level to die for our sins. Our dirty blood from sins is renewed from time to time with Jesus' blood of Love through the Eucharistic celebration. Not only that, we have the luxury of receiving Jesus Christ again and again through the Sacrament of Eucharist. I have to admit that I am a sinner through and through. And yet, despite my many times of getting out of church, God still pursues me no matter where I go to go back to Him. He speaks to me through people, biblical scriptures, etc. Which other gods will do that to his/her people? Other gods may come in the forms of money, fame, fortune, etc. Will you be pursuing them hard or they pursue you? If I can be tired from time to time to pursue these gods, how about God who pursues me for Love?

From my previous workplace, it is rather sad to hear from some parents that they only 'love' their children when they have achieved certain awards or got into prestigous schools or get what the parents want. If those children have failed to do so, these parents may even feel that it is a disgrace to talk about them. How do they feel? What are they? Are they really treasure as who they are? Or are they tools for these parents to fulfil their prides or dreams that these parents might not have achieved in their past? How will these children feel as they are growing up? Will they feel that they are loved with unconditional love? How will they view God? Most of the time, how we see God will be how we view our parents. If our parents punish us once we are done wrong, we may have the view that God is a punishing God who will punish me once I have sinned. Such views will change only when they experience true love from others or their parents change their ways of loving.

How about me? How is my relationship with God? Do I love Him only when He does things according to what I want? When things don't go my way, do I say He does not love me and and I abandon Him? Is that even love at all? I think I see myself as greater than God if I ask God to do things according to what I want and if it is not fulfilled, I abandon Him and conclude that He does not love me.  Just as the rings are the token of love exchanged between two married partners, the crucifix is the token of God's love for me. It is a sacrificial love for such as sinner like me that no words can describe. Whenever I am misundertsood or accused or hurt, suffer in any ways, I know I am closer to Jesus as he was misunderstood, accused, tortured at all levels and even died. He knows what I am going through and go through them all with me. He is there in my loneliness with me which no any person can take my place in carrying the various crosses in my life. This loneliness is the gap where God is filling. Sometimes, when I feel lonely in suffering, it does not mean that I am alone. It just means that I should spend my quiet time with God for Him to fill that space. He is always there no matter what. It is my free will to choose to run to Him or drift further away from him to other gods.

With Love,
Elena