Do I Weep or Whine?

Finally, have some ME time. That means my quiet time with God though the environment I am in now is pretty noisy. Where am I? I am at one of the St Marc cafes at Marina Square. Ok, good for me in a way that there is free Wifi. I am poor and cheap skate. This is my cheap way of relaxing but I like such cheap wanderlust life. Ok, back to my reflection today. A few days ago, I managed to have some time for some reflection on Fr Rolheiser’s blogs posts. One blog post strikes me and I have decided to pen down my reflection.

This blog post is titled ‘ON WHINING AND WEEPING’. If you are interested, you may click on the title for read on this blog post, Fr Rolheiser has never failed to guide me in my spiritual life though he is half a world away from me and we don’t know each other at all. What do I like about his posts? They are never all about himself and are realistic which speak to me and relevant to the society. From his writing so far, his blog posts help one to ponder deeper into issues. One thing I admire about him is his honest sharing even about the flaws of the church and how we can face them practically and yet with the faith in God. His writing so far has never veered towards favoring any groups of people. It helps me to think critically about issues or matters without following leaders blindly, especially when they are wrong. Other than Fr Rolheiser, I used to follow the late Fr Albert Renkens for his Introductory Philosophy Class. He used to work very hard quietly without bringing glory to himself or bragging about it. I got to know his hard work through the very few librarian at the Catholic Centre where he used to do his research quietly for our lessons. He kept on emphasizing on thinking critically on what is written or spoken without following leaders or people blindly. If not, what is the point of God giving us brains?

 

What do I gather from ‘ON WHINING AND WEEPING’? This blog post leads me to more questions that I ponder for my reflection and my dealing with the others throughout my lifetime. Are my tears real? Am I crying to pity myself or for the love of life and others as God’s creation? Am I trying to draw attention to myself through such tears with self pity or draw attention to God with my tears shed for others who have suffering? Am I magnifying my suffering or God’s grace through gratitude? Actually, weeping and whining lies just a thin line between. The clear line drawn between weeping and whining is weeping is the acknowledgement and acceptance  of suffering with the others as part of the whole human race as God’s creation while whining is all about pitying one’s own suffering that overwrites everything else.  The former is macro while the latter micro.

I remember helping out at mummy’s (my close deceased teacher’s) funeral wake. Among all the students, I should say that I was closest to her.  Some students thought I was her niece as everyone knew she did not have her own children. While helping out during the funeral wake with unspoken grief and remorse, I tried to cheer everyone up by joking about her drooling over her favorite peanuts on the table if she were around. My heart was shattering inside as I knew I could no longer see her munching on her favorite peanuts.  I just wanted to lighten the atmosphere abit with the joke as I believed mummy who was very kind-hearted and loving would not want to see us so upset. Everyone at the table understood where I came from and laughed, except for this seemingly well obedient prefect who was known by a few of her victims for breaking people’s close relationships out of jealousy. She scolded me in front of everyone asking me to respect mummy. I was thinking to myself if she really cared for mummy, she should have respected her and not bad mouthed her in front of me behind her when mummy was still around. Why scolded me in front of everyone to show that she respected mummy only after her death?  It was obviously to show others how she respected mummy. What was my response? I kept quiet as the funeral was about mummy but not about me. Who cares who believed her and misunderstood me? That was not important to me at all. This taught me people do shed crocodile tears to ‘perform’ to others how holy and loving they are though you may never know how they treat others behind them.

When you truly love others, you really weep for that person’s suffering. I remember going through an operation where local anesthetic simply did not work and I cried throughout the 45 mins of my surgery which cut deep into my flesh to remove the cyst which did not grow out to the surface but had grown deeper into my flesh. The surgeon asked me if I was crying over my pain. Yes, I admit it was really painful but I shared with the surgeon I did not cry because of my own pain. I cried because of mummy’s three major operations due to her Systemic Lupus. My minor surgery had caused me so much pain. How about hers? It pained me to realize how much pain she had to go through with her illness and yet I was touched at the same time as she never failed to love me despite her own suffering. I cried because I felt touched by her undying love for the willful me at that time despite her own pain and suffering. I cried because I felt pain for her and understood how painful she was. Her love magnified and became clearer and deeply experienced by me through such empathy. My illness has drawn me closer to her through empathy. I am very grateful that God has opened my heart to empathize with people who are suffering through illnesses.  Weeping does open one’s heart to accept and love people as who they are, especially those who are suffering. It connects one to the others and allows one to be grateful for one’s life that one is still living to have the opportunity to connect with the others and that one no longer bears grudges over petty things or calculates who’s right and wrong because life is seen larger than bearing grudges and hatred. That is when Love is understood as greater than any accumulated hatred. I guess this is what I have gathered about one way of expanding God’s Kingdom through sincere empathy. Weeping connects people deeply and strengthens the meaningful bonds. It requires humility and sincerity. Sincerity can never happen without humility.

Imagine if I were to just keep whining. Yes, I do whine at times, drawing all attention to myself. We are all human beings afterall with some elements of self-centeredness. But, if this keeps going on with all attention to myself and my suffering, I am disconnecting myself from the others. I will keep thinking that no one’s suffering is greater than mine. You will realize that I calculate everything that you have wronged me and victimized myself. I magnify everything about myself, from my illness to everyone’s wrongdoing towards me to getting myself known to be good, etc. It is no longer about God and love for others. It is about myself. Though I may be talking about God’s goodness through my suffering, I am whining through seemingly glory giving to God but one thing I can never deny is I am secretly counting who is on my side giving me what I want and not forgiving others who have wronged me. In this case, self is greater than God. It is still whining though one may seem to say that he is alright publicly and how he has overcome his suffering. But, what is behind this public front? Is it consistent in private? God looks into our hearts but not what we do superficially. Whining only draws oneself away from bonding deeply with the others as one is no longer sincere  about one’s sharing but with the motives to gain something out of it like recognition, fame, identity of holiness, popularity, etc. It is very sad for me to see a person to live life in that way through such superficiality and can never be living in truth by being true to self and others. This person has never understood what Love is, especially at the heart level to be experienced deeply with others.

I am not saying that I am great by saying that I weep. I also do have my flaws which lead me to sins. As long as I live, it is God’s grace and mercy to me to start anew each day. I am very thankful for everyone God has sent into my life, especially those who are sick and handicapped in some ways and yet choose to love sincerely without ever wanting to gain glory and merits to self. Of course, I also do have some sickly and handicapped who never learn and want ever more attention, popularity. These people serve as my reminders how scary self-glorification and self-centeredness can be even to the point of refusal to forgive even if some of them may face death. I simply do not understand why such great hatred and pettiness while facing major life issues such as death. I wonder if they will ever wake up before it is too late. Is it really right that a leopard cannot change its spot for some people? If yes, why does it only happen to these people?

Personally, I don’t like people whining consistently. It only shows weakness in character and spiritual life and his world is very small and dark. It is very clear this person never understands what Love is. It is different from weeping. Weeping does include acknowledgement and acceptance of one’s pain and suffering but at the same time extended to connect with the others’ through empathy. It transforms a person to be more magnanimous and forgiving as it draws one out of one’s small world and connect with others’ to expand God’s Kingdom. It is about sharing, not hoarding. Suffering and illness in such case has got redemptive transformation where one’s soul is redeemed through such suffering. There is no longer division between you and me. It’s about we in that ‘I’.  Suffering alone does not transform a person. It all depends on where one’s focus and approach is; Self centered or Christ Centred? Limitation to one’s world by being exclusive or expansion of one’s world with connection to others’ by being inclusive?

Take some time to ponder. Do I whine or weep most of the time? While sharing with others about my suffering or illness, what is my intention? Gain popularity, praise, fame, approval, label of being holy, etc. It’s about what I gain? Do I still choose who are worthy and who are not, seeing myself as exclusive?  Or sharing my experience with others so that we all connect as one with humility and sincerity? Extend mercy to others which I have got from God through my gratitude that I am still living and am able to love others more and more Christ way?  A spiritually mature person weeps while a spiritually childish person whines. Which one are you? If the latter, would you want to continue living that way? 

With Love,

Elena