Just come back from the lunchtime mass. It was a peaceful mass though my mind drifted to somewhere as usual. Generally, I was feeling peaceful. It was a priest from India. Somehow, when he was pronouncing "Martha', it sounded like 'Prata'. Maybe, I was hungry after having diarrhoea from having MacDonald breakfast. Maybe, it was due to my weak stomach again. Anyway, I thought it sounded funny coming from an Indian priest. Somehow, I was imagining him giving out prata as the host. Ok, there goes my wild imagination again. This time round, I am no longer upset over not being able to receive communion. I just enjoyed the mass.
Things are going whirlwind in my department with more projects coming up. I just do not understand why drastic changes always come in when I join any organizations or even churches. Till now, I am facing drastic changes which my colleagues have never faced before even though they have worked here for so many years. As usual, I am swimming in the sea of changes and confusion. Officially handling budget now. I am scratching my head where to get the funds for the projects and items. For some items, my predecessor did not set any budget aside for this financial year. I need to purchase something as instructed by the monster. Die liao. No money for it. It really pisses me off that I am still clearing his mess. I wonder if he has been sleeping in the office. Since I took over from him this role, my life has not been easy because he simply brushes things aside as much as he can. Only when he is in front of our team leaders and colleagues, he will seem to work hard. Faint ar!!!
Can sense that certain connection has been cut off clean. I can move on with ease liao. Really hope to start anew. I have even left my church group in facebook. I do not see the point of certain things are shared among the 'elite' members when all of us are in the same church group. This only causes divisions. I guess most probably, what they share is something to do with him again. Other than him, I do not think why they have to be so secretive about things. I am sick of such secrets. This is crazy. It is just like fans club crazy over an authority. Well, they can continue with such ways of communication. I doubt they can go far in life as they choose people to mingle and share with. Then, I guess Jesus should have died with influential people instead.
As for the particular connection that I can sense being cut off clean, I am also glad that it is cut as he does not have the gut to face himself. He can continue with his life drifting from one person to another. He can justify and prove to others all that he wants. I am not interested anymore. All I can do is to give him all my blessings. I have already done all that I can to help him liao. He is leaving soon. Good for the both of us. At least, for few soild years, I do not see him at all. Easier for me to put him behind me. Anyway, I think by the time he comes back, I would have left my current job where one of his fans is working. When he comes back, he will definitely look for those fans who are supporting or sponsoring him in any ways. I will never know where he is or if he comes back or not. He can flock to his fans. Well, that is life. Whether I like it or not, I have to face reality. For the time being, I would not go back to church to avoid seeing him as I would not know if I go to a church and settle down building relationships and friendships. Then, when he comes back, he goes to my parish and I will see him there. I better stay out completely. I always seem to bump into him no matter where I go. I do not hate him. I just hope that I will be out of his life completely after he has come back. He needs a new life without me in it anymore.
He has taught me precious lessons. One of them is people are self centered no matter how holy they seem to be. It is not really bad. It is very human. It set me to be even more realistic in romantic relationships. Nobody will give up everything such as fame, popularity, status, self image, material wants, comfort, etc. for love. Perhaps, such love can only be found during my parents'era. When it comes to romantic relationships, I will throw all fantasy away and be rational about it. Maybe, from this incident, God is teaching me to protect myself from any guys who use their charm to attract women for their ego boost and use women as instruments to fill their loneliness.
The second lesson I have learnt is the man who does not have the guts to own his feelings and actions and yet still tries to lead the women on is bascially insecure deep within. He is not serious about relationship. Normally, when things happen, he is the first person to escape. So, throughout his life, you will realize that he escapes when anything bad is happening. He will never grow. So what if he keeps on hinting how much he loves you? These are just words and words are cheap. I will never respect such a person as he is going to be a coward for the rest of his life. You will see him continuing doing this to other women. Worse still, if the women are stupid enough, they will fight over him. I am very blessed to be out of it. He is never a suitable person to be a spouse as he will leave me in the lurch if I fall sick or disfigured or anything bad were to happen in the marriage. I rather face the true colours of this person now than discovering it after we are married and filing for divorce.
The third lesson I have learnt is I deserve to be loved. Yes, in this particular relationship, I know I am silly to give up so much that I am misunderstood by many people. I never blame him as I do it willingly. I hope he will not do the same thing to another women. If the woman happens to be very vulnerable, she will kill herself because of him, not because he is so charming that she wants to die for him but all the woman needs is last stroke from anyone to kill her. I am glad to realize that I stay strong despite hell under him. If he does not love me, it does not mean that I am lousy or bad. I will take it as he does not know how to appreciate me. There is no big deal. I do not have to base my worth on how he sees me or if he loves me or not. I am just not his type. I should be glad that I discover it now. If not, I will suffer misery if I marry him. I really hope that he will stop what he is doing to the other women before things are gtting out of hands and a woman finally kills herself.
I am looking forward to having a new start with a new relationship if God really blesses me with a spouse. Not desperate for a partner lah. I just hope to have proper romantic relationship where the man and I share the same faith in growing together. I am no longer young. I really hope to have my own family and grow in maturity. I am still pretty childish for my age. Though I am not pretty nor smart nor capable, I seem to attract guys which disturb me. I do not know what I have done to give the wrong signals to these people. I really hope such guys like the one that I have just cut myself from will stay away from me and not fool me. I do not have the energy and time for such flirtatious matters. Over the years, God has been teaching me lessons in this area as this is my weakest area since I tend to be too rational in such things for my own good.
Though I still love him alot and hope to see him for the last time for proper closure, I have not regretted having him in my life. In fact, I love him so much that I am prepared to spend the rest of my life with him if he is willing to give up everything. I guess I got angry last week when I did not see him was because I wanted him to appear and saw him for the last time for closure as the gospel reading on that day was apt for closure. I mustered a lot of courage to be all prepared to cut off from him completely last week. But, who the heck knows he did not appear when I needed him to appear for closure? I really hope that he will grow up and learn to be himself. I hope that he will not hurt other women just like how he has hurt me. Being charming is one thing. How to use it for good use is another. If he is serious about serving in his role, I hope that he will focus on serving with sincerity and love for people. If not, I rather he gets out and stops hurting people. With him, I have grown up alot. At least, through him, I realize how capable I can be in loving. I have grown way beyond my limits with him.I have strecthed myself beyond the limits which I am also surprised.
Now, I really hope that I can love the next person in my romantic relaitonship even better and more in CHrist way. I know I am ready to move on to have a new start in a romantic rellatsionship. All I need to do is God's blessings. Meanwhile, I will drift along in life and continue to serve in areas where I am called to.
With Love,
Elena
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