My Reflection on the Day of Compassion Through My Social Psychology Course from Wesleyan University

It has been months since I have penned down any reflection here.  I have been very tied up with Social Psychology online course conducted by Wesleyan University from Coursera and Professional PR course from Institute of Public Relations on two evenings every week till end of November this year on top of my hectic work. I have never expected my online course to be so intensive. Through my online course, I have managed to reach out to other students from Singapore and started a topic on Middle Sexes for people to post their comments and for me to reach out to some people and learn from them. I guess at this point of time, I can only use my writing to help others. For this course, we do have peer evaluation for every assignment for 6 weeks.  We have to evaluate at least 5 students’ work. Basically, for the past 6 weeks, all my weekends are burnt on the readings and assignment and evaluation. The final exam online is this weekend.

This course is interesting. The focus is on compassion as emphasized by Dalai Lama in a video. The last assignment is to write our reflection on Our Day of Compassion which was stipulated to be on 6 September 2013 for all students. The official Day of Compassion set since last year is on 6 July yearly which commemorates Dalai Lama who shares the same birthday as me! Here, I would like to share my reflection on my Day of Compassion as part of my online course with the application of some Social Psychology theories here:

Charity starts from home. On my day of Compassion, I had decided to take leave and brought my mum, two year old niece and four year old nephew (who is also my godson) out for an educational and fun tour to Sentosa and Vivocity since it was my nephew’s school holidays. I used to be out of the house most of the time to serve in my church community. Thus, I seldom spent quality time with my family. Now, I have decided to take a break away from serving in my church community to focus on strengthening my bond with my family. It is often easy to gain more from the others due to social-exchange theory(Module 30 (page 387) of Myers, D.G (2012). Exploring social psychology (6th ed.) New York: McGraw-Hill.)  in the form of praise, social approval and a sense of holiness as mentioned by others though only at a cost of spending my time in church at the expense of family time or even having fun with friends outside. It was also easier to create positive first impression of being altruistic through the thin slice of judgment since people did not know me at first and would form first impression through my behavior. I have ever seen for myself how some people who have served in the society with social-exchange theory with no altruism but to gain something out of it and treat others and their own families with cruelty, neglect or even abuse. So, here, I am, have chosen my family, especially the young children, as my recipients for my efforts as an expression of love towards them.  I have lived with my family (my mum as one of the recipients in this case) for more than three decades and see all sides of me, including my not so pleasant sides. I would not expect any social exchange from them.

To me, compassion means to go through it all with my recipients. It requires humility which my faith as a Catholic has taught me in order to love unconditionally with altruism. In order to love unconditionally, compassion must be part of it with empathy. My two year old niece had one of her kidneys removed last year while my nephew is diagnosed recently with underdevelopment of certain parts of his eyes which affect his eyesight badly. They may seem fine now. But, nobody knows what will happen in the future. While I still can, I would like to shower them with love and want them to know that they are loved no matter what conditions they have. I want them to grow to be healthy in body, mind and spirit by playing my role to love them. Besides, my nephew is my godson and I have the social responsibility to mould his character and educate him. I feel a social-responsibility norm where we should help those who really need it, without regard to future exchanges. Anyway, they are still very young and I would not expect them to remember the kindness that I extend to them now. I expect nothing from them in return (Module 30 (page 388-389) of Myers, D.G (2012). Exploring social psychology (6th ed.) New York: McGraw-Hill.). Besides, it is easier for me to empathize with them who have medical conditions as I used to be misdiagnosed with rare congenital disorder for twelve years until the specialists cleared me from it two years ago. I understand how it is like to have medical conditions.

I brought them to the S.E.A aquarium for them to gain exposure to the marine life. My mum has been looking after the kids and that is my reward for her for her hard work. I have always believed in interactive education with the environment other than confining them within a room with books and knowledge empowers a person to do well in life. As I am not known for my patience with children, that day of compassion was a challenge to me, especially when my mum was away for awhile to buy food for the children for lunch and my niece was crying loudly for her. Keeping in mind of the day of compassion keeps reminding me not to flare up but to understand why my niece was crying loudly. Many people were staring at all. I did not do anything much as I did not know what to do with children normally. I tried to talk to her but to no avail. I left her crying. I guess I was suffering from bystander effect (Module 30 (page 391) of Myers, D.G (2012). Exploring social psychology (6th ed.) New York: McGraw-Hill.).where my niece was crying for attention due to her fear of losing my mum or eating something wrong as she was spitting something out of her mouth and yet I did not do anything much like the people around me. I was acting like a stranger with my inaction with dealing with her. That was my failed part on my day of compassion. I believe I also suffered from spotlight effect when ‘seeing myself at center stage, thus intuitively overestimating the extent to which others’ attention is aimed at us.’ (Chapter 2 (page 34) of Myers, D.G (2012). Exploring social psychology (11th ed.) New York: McGraw-Hill.) I felt very embarrassed by my niece’s crying and my rather inaction to do anything as I feel people’s attention was on my behvaiour. I did turn around to look at the others and they seemed to be busy with their own activities. However, I still believe that they did stare at us for awhile.  

In general, we enjoyed ourselves. My niece and nephew were very cute. They told me they liked me. They enjoyed their time with me. I was touched by those words as young children would speak whatever come to their minds without much manipulation like adults. I do not come from a rich family. In terms of cost, the cost was high to me Every cent I earn is hard earned money. The outing was expensive to me as the admission fee for one child was expensive to me not to mention I had to pay for the admission of one child and two adults. Besides, I had to take leave from for such outing as I could not bring them out during weekends since they were their family days with their parents. As it was peak period at my workplace, it would also mean my lost time to do my work and I had to speed up my work to catch up. However, the benefits far exceeded the costs to me as the children were better educated on the marine life with wider exposure. The quality time spent with them enhanced my relationship with them which money could never buy. Money can always be earned but time spent can never be earned back. Money can still increase with hard work but time, once lost, can never increase. This makes time more precious than money. My relationship with my mum also improves as she offered to help me by coming up with money for our lunch. To me, that outing seemed like collaborative project to enhance our relationships with the children and each other to make this outing a happy and fulfilling one. Through this outing during my day of compassion, social relationships help define our sense of self (Chapter 2 (page 36) of Myers, D.G (2012). Exploring social psychology (11th ed.) New York: McGraw-Hill.) as we ‘may have One self with MOM, another with friends, another with teachers.’ In this case, I am one self with my mum, niece and nephew where I feel my self-esteem boosted since everyone was happy and more educated after the outing. I felt this connection with them to be stronger and help to develop my social life to be richer and wealthier in soul, as an individual with joy. I prefer the self on the Day of Compassion. My normal self is usually task oriented and face paced without much time to keep in touch with my human self and feelings. Sometimes, I do feel like a robot a my normal self without much meaning at times.  Sometimes, I am too rational for my own good that I appear cold to others which my loved ones have complained. 

I would encourage people to take time away from their busy-ness to spend quality time to have a day of compassion at least once a week and have some self -reflection and feedback from others after that, keeping in mind about The Self in A Social World (Module 19 (pages 214-215) of Myers, D.G (2012). Exploring social psychology (11th ed.) New York: McGraw-Hill.). This enhances our self-awareness as the ‘opposite of deindividuation.’ (Chapter 2 (page 36) of Myers, D.G (2012). Exploring social psychology (11th ed.) New York: McGraw-Hill.) The reflection and feedback from others are just like mirrors for us to look into ourselves. This helps us to have more accurate evaluation about ourselves in the Social World. The day of compassion also allows us to communicate with the others, especially the recipients of our efforts.  We are all social beings who are interdependent on one another. What we do or say to one another affects one another, good or bad. To reduce social dilemma that we have in our lives, people must communicate. Especially, when people are face-to-face, it enables them to commit themselves to cooperation (Bouas & Komorita, 1996; Drolet & Morris, 2000; Kerr & others, 1994, 1997; Pruitt, 1998) (Module 28 (page 360-361) of Myers, D.G (2012). Exploring social psychology (6th ed.) New York: McGraw-Hill.). On the day of compassion, we should seek to communicate more with the recipients face-to-face. This will help us to have more self-awareness and reduce the otherwise  deindividuation with the anonymity in our social media world.  The day of compassion weekly also gives us the platforms for ‘usefully appeal to the social-responsibility norm’ ‘when cooperation obviously serves the public good.’ (Lynn & Oldenquist, 1986). When we do this at such regular basis, it will help to shape our healthy sense of self and contribute positively to the society with more awareness and have compassion with others, reducing our prejudices and discrimination in the process.

I believe the day of compassion may have some impact on me now that I have gone through it and have the knowledge from Social Psychology. As in ‘experiments with University of Montana students by Arthur Beaman and his colleagues (1978)’ where it was ‘revealed that once people understand why the presence of bystanders inhibits helping, they become more likely to help in the group situations.’, my practice of compassion on that day of compassion  helps me to understand and applies the social psychology knowledge to my everyday life. I have already had such self-awareness about my self in the social world. This is how knowledge empowers me through my learning from social psychology in the world. I would see myself as attempting to seek to be more compassion towards others instead of judging people instantly or holding on to prejudices. I also become more aware of the social issues and see how I can play my part to improve the social world. Interestingly, I share the same birthday as Dalai Lama though we were born in different years. 6 July has been stipulated as the Day of Compassion. On my birthday, I always believe in sharing joy with others. For my birthday this year, I had bought a cake to celebrate my lunar birthday with a tea lady from China at my workplace, giving her surprise since she had shared with me how tough her life had been and nobody celebrated birthday with her. That was my way of having my birthday as a Day of Compassion before I was aware of this official Day of Compassion to commemorate Dalai Lama. This is also my way to continue with practicing compassion wherever I go. At least, I have long fixed my birthday as the Day of Compassion which coincides with Dalai Lama’s birthday. It’s meaningful to me. 

-End of Reflection on Day of Compassion Assignment-

I still have a long way to go for my Professional PR Course which is part of my KPIs for my work. Hopefully, I can pass in the end. Meanwhile, as much as I can, I will keep my stress level down. I really can't wait to go for y New York trip at the end of this year for my countdown!!! Life is good. It is my choice to choose to lament and complain or to improve on my life and make full use of my gifts to share Love with others. Here, I wish everyone leading fulfilling life enriched with Love and joy! :)

With Love,

Elena

Do I Weep or Whine?

Finally, have some ME time. That means my quiet time with God though the environment I am in now is pretty noisy. Where am I? I am at one of the St Marc cafes at Marina Square. Ok, good for me in a way that there is free Wifi. I am poor and cheap skate. This is my cheap way of relaxing but I like such cheap wanderlust life. Ok, back to my reflection today. A few days ago, I managed to have some time for some reflection on Fr Rolheiser’s blogs posts. One blog post strikes me and I have decided to pen down my reflection.

This blog post is titled ‘ON WHINING AND WEEPING’. If you are interested, you may click on the title for read on this blog post, Fr Rolheiser has never failed to guide me in my spiritual life though he is half a world away from me and we don’t know each other at all. What do I like about his posts? They are never all about himself and are realistic which speak to me and relevant to the society. From his writing so far, his blog posts help one to ponder deeper into issues. One thing I admire about him is his honest sharing even about the flaws of the church and how we can face them practically and yet with the faith in God. His writing so far has never veered towards favoring any groups of people. It helps me to think critically about issues or matters without following leaders blindly, especially when they are wrong. Other than Fr Rolheiser, I used to follow the late Fr Albert Renkens for his Introductory Philosophy Class. He used to work very hard quietly without bringing glory to himself or bragging about it. I got to know his hard work through the very few librarian at the Catholic Centre where he used to do his research quietly for our lessons. He kept on emphasizing on thinking critically on what is written or spoken without following leaders or people blindly. If not, what is the point of God giving us brains?

 

What do I gather from ‘ON WHINING AND WEEPING’? This blog post leads me to more questions that I ponder for my reflection and my dealing with the others throughout my lifetime. Are my tears real? Am I crying to pity myself or for the love of life and others as God’s creation? Am I trying to draw attention to myself through such tears with self pity or draw attention to God with my tears shed for others who have suffering? Am I magnifying my suffering or God’s grace through gratitude? Actually, weeping and whining lies just a thin line between. The clear line drawn between weeping and whining is weeping is the acknowledgement and acceptance  of suffering with the others as part of the whole human race as God’s creation while whining is all about pitying one’s own suffering that overwrites everything else.  The former is macro while the latter micro.

I remember helping out at mummy’s (my close deceased teacher’s) funeral wake. Among all the students, I should say that I was closest to her.  Some students thought I was her niece as everyone knew she did not have her own children. While helping out during the funeral wake with unspoken grief and remorse, I tried to cheer everyone up by joking about her drooling over her favorite peanuts on the table if she were around. My heart was shattering inside as I knew I could no longer see her munching on her favorite peanuts.  I just wanted to lighten the atmosphere abit with the joke as I believed mummy who was very kind-hearted and loving would not want to see us so upset. Everyone at the table understood where I came from and laughed, except for this seemingly well obedient prefect who was known by a few of her victims for breaking people’s close relationships out of jealousy. She scolded me in front of everyone asking me to respect mummy. I was thinking to myself if she really cared for mummy, she should have respected her and not bad mouthed her in front of me behind her when mummy was still around. Why scolded me in front of everyone to show that she respected mummy only after her death?  It was obviously to show others how she respected mummy. What was my response? I kept quiet as the funeral was about mummy but not about me. Who cares who believed her and misunderstood me? That was not important to me at all. This taught me people do shed crocodile tears to ‘perform’ to others how holy and loving they are though you may never know how they treat others behind them.

When you truly love others, you really weep for that person’s suffering. I remember going through an operation where local anesthetic simply did not work and I cried throughout the 45 mins of my surgery which cut deep into my flesh to remove the cyst which did not grow out to the surface but had grown deeper into my flesh. The surgeon asked me if I was crying over my pain. Yes, I admit it was really painful but I shared with the surgeon I did not cry because of my own pain. I cried because of mummy’s three major operations due to her Systemic Lupus. My minor surgery had caused me so much pain. How about hers? It pained me to realize how much pain she had to go through with her illness and yet I was touched at the same time as she never failed to love me despite her own suffering. I cried because I felt touched by her undying love for the willful me at that time despite her own pain and suffering. I cried because I felt pain for her and understood how painful she was. Her love magnified and became clearer and deeply experienced by me through such empathy. My illness has drawn me closer to her through empathy. I am very grateful that God has opened my heart to empathize with people who are suffering through illnesses.  Weeping does open one’s heart to accept and love people as who they are, especially those who are suffering. It connects one to the others and allows one to be grateful for one’s life that one is still living to have the opportunity to connect with the others and that one no longer bears grudges over petty things or calculates who’s right and wrong because life is seen larger than bearing grudges and hatred. That is when Love is understood as greater than any accumulated hatred. I guess this is what I have gathered about one way of expanding God’s Kingdom through sincere empathy. Weeping connects people deeply and strengthens the meaningful bonds. It requires humility and sincerity. Sincerity can never happen without humility.

Imagine if I were to just keep whining. Yes, I do whine at times, drawing all attention to myself. We are all human beings afterall with some elements of self-centeredness. But, if this keeps going on with all attention to myself and my suffering, I am disconnecting myself from the others. I will keep thinking that no one’s suffering is greater than mine. You will realize that I calculate everything that you have wronged me and victimized myself. I magnify everything about myself, from my illness to everyone’s wrongdoing towards me to getting myself known to be good, etc. It is no longer about God and love for others. It is about myself. Though I may be talking about God’s goodness through my suffering, I am whining through seemingly glory giving to God but one thing I can never deny is I am secretly counting who is on my side giving me what I want and not forgiving others who have wronged me. In this case, self is greater than God. It is still whining though one may seem to say that he is alright publicly and how he has overcome his suffering. But, what is behind this public front? Is it consistent in private? God looks into our hearts but not what we do superficially. Whining only draws oneself away from bonding deeply with the others as one is no longer sincere  about one’s sharing but with the motives to gain something out of it like recognition, fame, identity of holiness, popularity, etc. It is very sad for me to see a person to live life in that way through such superficiality and can never be living in truth by being true to self and others. This person has never understood what Love is, especially at the heart level to be experienced deeply with others.

I am not saying that I am great by saying that I weep. I also do have my flaws which lead me to sins. As long as I live, it is God’s grace and mercy to me to start anew each day. I am very thankful for everyone God has sent into my life, especially those who are sick and handicapped in some ways and yet choose to love sincerely without ever wanting to gain glory and merits to self. Of course, I also do have some sickly and handicapped who never learn and want ever more attention, popularity. These people serve as my reminders how scary self-glorification and self-centeredness can be even to the point of refusal to forgive even if some of them may face death. I simply do not understand why such great hatred and pettiness while facing major life issues such as death. I wonder if they will ever wake up before it is too late. Is it really right that a leopard cannot change its spot for some people? If yes, why does it only happen to these people?

Personally, I don’t like people whining consistently. It only shows weakness in character and spiritual life and his world is very small and dark. It is very clear this person never understands what Love is. It is different from weeping. Weeping does include acknowledgement and acceptance of one’s pain and suffering but at the same time extended to connect with the others’ through empathy. It transforms a person to be more magnanimous and forgiving as it draws one out of one’s small world and connect with others’ to expand God’s Kingdom. It is about sharing, not hoarding. Suffering and illness in such case has got redemptive transformation where one’s soul is redeemed through such suffering. There is no longer division between you and me. It’s about we in that ‘I’.  Suffering alone does not transform a person. It all depends on where one’s focus and approach is; Self centered or Christ Centred? Limitation to one’s world by being exclusive or expansion of one’s world with connection to others’ by being inclusive?

Take some time to ponder. Do I whine or weep most of the time? While sharing with others about my suffering or illness, what is my intention? Gain popularity, praise, fame, approval, label of being holy, etc. It’s about what I gain? Do I still choose who are worthy and who are not, seeing myself as exclusive?  Or sharing my experience with others so that we all connect as one with humility and sincerity? Extend mercy to others which I have got from God through my gratitude that I am still living and am able to love others more and more Christ way?  A spiritually mature person weeps while a spiritually childish person whines. Which one are you? If the latter, would you want to continue living that way? 

With Love,

Elena

Challenging but Worthy Fasting Today

Attempting a full fast today. Have started fasting since 12 midnight. Intend to fast till midnight tonight. Very challenging as I need to work today and every Friday is the busiest day at workplace weekly. Obviously, my body system is abit down as I am feeling unusually cold and blood sugar level seems to be going down with giddiness. Well, it does not matter. I will break fast if I think the fast is causing harm to my body. I believe the purpose of fasting is not to do it to the point of causing damage to my body. Now, I totally depend on faith for my fast at workplace today.

3 main reasons for my fast:

1) Fast for a friend who is going through a major procedure. Hope that he will have a successful transplant  and be transformed within. Pray that he will be healed inside out while receiving this gift of love to continue to live with gratitude and continue to extend this love to ALL others. Pray that he will serve All with sincere heart and learn to love others, himself and God in Christ way. Hope that he will be more Christ centered and come to realization about certain things.

Towards him, as mentioned in my earlier posts, I have done my best. He cannot get it means he cannot get it. If he is only at a certain level, I cannot force him to go up higher overnight. I think he needs more time for certain realization. Hopefully, I hope that he will wake up before it is too late as he looks back and regrets what he has done and what he has stubbornly not done. Dying in peace is not just about going home to the Lord and seemingly obeying God and gaining recognition from many people. Whether one passes through the narrow gate to heaven depends on the spiritual state of the soul upon death which stems from his daily living with the others. I think he has failed to see why I keep asking him for reconciliation with him. If he thinks I am there to gain his liking, his favour or even attention, he has completely misses the point and totally can't get it at all. It is not just for myself but also for him. Obviously, based on his behaviour and treatment towards me, he catches no ball. I really hope that he will wake up and realize that fame and attention from all around the world is going to drift him away from God as the attention is totally on self. As the public self and true self (as created by God in the process of becoming that unique being throughout his life according to God's will) drifts further and further away from each other with the gap getting bigger, the person will feel more disintegrated and ever more confused and miserable. People can no longer communicate with his true self but only to the public false self, leaving the true self dying inside. How can God fill the person within if the people around him keep spoiling him with what he wants, the attention he wants to encourage the narcissism and inflated ego in him, driving him to be ever more self centered? Is there any more space for God?

If you think he is my boyfriend, he is not. I am a realist. I know very clearly he does not even care a damn thing about me. If I were to be the one with cancer, he does not even visit me or care at all. This is a fact. He has never ever considered my feelings and situation. All he cares is about his own suffering, fame, feelings and popularity with many people. I know I am foolish. But, if I pray for him only when he treats me well, that is a transaction but not love. All along, whenever I write something to him, he will reply in some ways telling me he has more expertise in those areas. It is all about impressing others and competing with me who is better in those areas. I think he has never understood what love is. It will be disastrous if I were to marry him. Most probably, if I fall very sick or when people gossip about me or we have some disagreement, he will be the first person to leave me. Actually, I don't have to worry that he will die or kill himself. He is a self centered person and will never allow bad things to happen to him. Even if bad things happen to him beyond his control, he will make use of them to bring attention to himself. Basically, his whole life is about self most of the time though I also have to give him the credits that he does care for certain groups of people but not all. I wonder if he will ever wake up and start realizing that. His behaviour, words and mannerism have been consistent to show that. I hope he will stop seeing that people are trying to put him down or attacking him. Sometimes, when people bother  to tell you your areas of improvement, it shows that people bother, people care, people want to see you improve and lead a more fulfilling life. In our case, it's not like he is going to marry me if he is transformed. I don't gain anything out of it at all. In fact, I get scolding, shouted at, and receive nasty treatment from him most of the time. I can answer to God I have loved him as much as I can. Now, the rest is up to him to come to realization and transformation.

As for me, if he still wants me as a friend, he can always look for me and reconcile with me. If not, I will just take it as he has never waken up and still full of pride. If there is strong pride, there is no room for love. I guess now, it is all up to him. No matter what, I hope he will be healthy in body, mind, spirit and soul after he is out of his procedure. Hope that he will learn to love himself, others and God sincerely. Sincerity is what I hope to see from him. I believe he will not die and have many years to live ahead. It is best that he stays away from those people who keep spoiling him which he still fails to see now. If not, he will never learn what true humility and sincerity is. Therefore, he can never live in truth but with his public false self to continue inflating his ego and promote narcissism while feeling ever emptier and emptier, more and more miserable within.

2) My other reason for fasting is for my godson. It is a heart pain to receive the news recently that his eyes are not developed properly and are lazy eyes. He may go blind if his eye sight deteriorates. He is only 4 years old. His sister has gone for a kidney removal last year. Now, it is his turn to experience poor health at such tender age. He is very cute and has a very nice smile. He likes angry birds and somehow, he does look like the red angry bird. I wonder why he has to suffer poor health. I hope to see miracle that his eyes will be healed. Even if they are not healed, he will continue to grow to be confident, wise and positive person who seek to serve. Nowadays, whenever I reach home, I will make an effort to carry and kiss them, showering my love for them though I may be strict with them. I will never know what will happen next. As much as I can, as long as they are under our care, I will show them my love. It is really therapeutic to carry them to remind me that I am also a human who need hugs. It heals me in the process.

3) My last reason for fasting is for my own purification. It is time to detoxify my body and soul. I may be out of church. But, I have not abandoned God. I know I am very flawed hruting people along the way and am learning to love more and more in Christ way. My Catholic colleague was teasing me I was holy to go fasting. I relied it is precisely I am not holy that I need o fast. If I am holy, why even a need to fast at all? People like me should all the more fast. Fasting is a form of discipline and I know I am lack of that most of the time. Some people even commented I seem carefree. So, I will fast to develop that part of me which lacks discipline, to also help me to get deeper into not having things in my ways. It is also about emptying myself for God to fill this emptiness with love. It is more difficult to keep close to God nowadays with the emphasis on individuality and instant gratification in the world. I know I can be quite spoilt in some ways.  Therefore, I need such fasting reminding me that I cannot always get what I want and the fasting is for me to delay gratification so that I will appreciate things and people around me at a deeper level. Besides, fasting is my form of sacrifice for God to heal me deep within. By emptying myself, I am also reminding myself I am mere dust without the breath of Love from him. Fasting also allows me to be one with God as there is nothing in me without any food. I only go on water for the water to purify me within and visualize the water to wash away my sins for Jesus fill me Or rather, to experience myself as part of God.  When the fasting gets tough while carrying on with my hectic work, my focus turns to God to sustain me. My mind is on God. This is how I am one with God during such emptying of self. to experience the glimmer of what it means to be poor in spirit for God to fill me with richness, embracing the beatitude at a deeper level. It is also a means for me to be connected with the people deprived of food due to various reasons such as sickness, going through treatment, poverty, abuse, etc. It allows me to be one with the world. It allows this connectedness with the others for me to practise humility.

Ok, have to go back to my work now. Challenging fast while working but worthwhile. God is Love.

With Love,
Elena

Fame away from God

Have got advice from my boss and a mature friend. I have come to certain conclusions. After dealing with him for almost 8 years, I have learnt a lot about not seeing things on a superficial level. The funny thing is I was first drawn to his look of holiness. At the end of this relationship, I finally wake up from my years of delusion. What I see for years is just a face of fame. Pretty sad to see how he is drifting away from God towards fame which he may not be aware of. I think he no longer knows what humility is. When a person no longer has humility, what he writes or preaches are mere words that stay on the head level. He even uses his so called 'humility' just to show the world how Christ-like he is which ironically brings self glorification instead of giving glory to God. Between my emails to him, I did stop visiting his blog for weeks. I felt very vexed when I saw him appearing in the newspapers while doing my daily news monitoring for my job. His publicity has gone too far. Even before he appeared in the newspaper, I would have expected to see him publicising his illness in the newspaper one day.

Why do I keep on saying that his 'humility' is just for show? It is not difficult to see that when he asked about why he did not have to go through stages of grief like others and he has never had fear at all throughout his illness till now. That only goes to show that he was trying to drive at he is different from other normal people and he is unique. If he were to be humble, he should be thankful about not experiencing stages of grief and give thanks to God instead of comparing how different he is from the others. Then, why mention of being sad at all in one of his interviews for being denied of a donation? Why do I choose to skip reading his blog for weeks at times? I find most writing nowadays are just self glorification and showing his own uniqueness with his fans supporting his warped grandeur ideas which are not workable to average people. I guess such writing stems from fear and insecurity hidden away from the public. He also questioned why people kept asking him not to be afraid. Little does he know that people are not stupid and they could sense it even if you hide it. Besides, it is only human to be fearful. That applies to Jesus who also cried out to God in certain fear though he was going through his pain and suffering at the Calvary. If there wasn't any fear, why even crying out at all?

It is easy for people to fall into the trap of thinking that he is holy like how I was tricked many years ago. It is alright that they only read what he writes as they do not know him personally. At least, the writing can still impart head knowledge. However, if people know how he is still treating people who do not please or agree with him, they will know he has not changed abit. In fact, he has gone worse. When some people told me he had changed for the better, I truly believed. But, when I visited him, that was another story. I will never understand why he thinks people stalk him. Frankly speaking, I have no time for that. That one-time hospital visit turned into attempts from his email to me. He can write all he can about beatitude, mercy, forgiveness, grace, etc. but these are meaningless words as long as he does not practise it not just for his fans but also to his enemies. He has already failed this part which is the most basic expectation of a Christian. That is why I do not even bother to read his blog most of the time as it has become a platform for narcissism. It is getting worse using his illness for such attention and fame.

I have overestimated his level of understanding and depth. I think he can't get what I have written to him most of the time and think that I am attacking him personally. Sometimes, I can see that he is trying very hard to explain certain concepts I have mentioned to him. He tries very hard to write about it. In the end, I realize that he tries too hard. My friend is also right that he cannot view things from many angles and cannot think deep. I am at fault that I thought that being leader and expert in the area, he should be able to view things from different angles and think deeply. He may be well versed in theory but he is simply lack of experience. That is why he can be vexed that why he can't get it at times. Little is he aware that it is because of self righteousness and having heavily guarded heart that only allows a few rich and influential people to get near him and even serve only certain groups of people while rejecting people who are no like-minded or agree with him. How can a person look at things from different angles and think deeply if he only mingles with like-minded people? Sometimes, after reading certain posts with flowery language, it is no surprise that I still can't get what he is driving at. Sometimes, I even feel that he is trying too hard to explain the concepts when he obviously cannot go deeper that that level. Basically, it is not hard to see that other than sharing some personal thoughts and reflection, he is also trying to impress readers. From him, I understand that if a person cannot get it, it just means he can never get it. It's no wonder he keeps misunderstanding what I write. Besides, for a person who is overly sensitive, even if I have stated I am not there to attack him with words, he just can't get it. In this case, I have already said all that I can to help him to live his remaining years meaningfully. It seems that he can't get it and has misunderstood me deeply. I do honestly think that if he lives like an average middle income person like us having his own family, his writing will be definitely with depth and from many angles. Not only that, he will be truly transformed within. It's not that he is a bad person. It's just that he needs some experience outside his comfort zone to be a more complete person. His fans around me are the very people who drift him away from God by keeping on spoiling hi with the words that please him. How can a person even grow up if the people around him keep giving him what he wants? These people are drawing him towards fame but away from God as such fame will only cause him to be more and more self centered and leave smaller and smaller space in him for God. How to walk towards holiness then? How can there be humility when the ego keeps inflating with these fans around? Besides, he has been too dependent on them and even cling to them. God has been getting him away from them from getting him out of that place to getting him out of the country to isolating him with illness but he keeps clinging on to them. How to grow when one attaches too strongly to people who keep pleasing him even if he is wrong? I have been honest with him about all these matters. But, all he thinks is about me attacking him. I am too tired.  In this case, since peace does not fall on him and he does not want to receive it, I will have to shake off the dust and move on.

I will leave him with his fans since that is his choice. Maybe, this is his way of having a peaceful death. Now, he is living his public self. As his fame gets the better of him, God is further and further away from him as his focus is getting all the attention to mask his insecurity and fear within. Why did I choose to tell him the truth that may offend him and make him hate me even more? That is because if he continues to blow his public self greater and greater to gain more fame and popularity, the gap between his public self and true self will be greater and greater and he will feel emptier and emptier inside though he may gain the attention and popularity from more and more people. His denial of all fears and feelings will only cause the fear and feelings to grow with the cancer cells and eat him within and he will explode one day. How can a person live in truth towards holiness if the gap between the public self and true self becomes greater, living double lives? It won't be long before he collapses and suffers from spiritual fatigue and ultimately spiritual death if he continues this way. Now, I have done all I can and he has misunderstood me. I can only shake off the dust and move on. But, if he is willing to open up his heart and reconcile with me, it will not just untie my knots but also his. Spiritually, we will be healed. It's a win-win situation. No point  keeping on trying to prove me I am wrong in this and that or try to make me angry. We are no longer kids. Don't need to try to make each other angry. He is pretty self centered. He only cares about his pride and feelings and rather the surviving me to live with scar for the rest of my life. Time is precious. I really hope that he will wake up one day, especially during his transplant. Hope God will enlighten him and he will open up his heart to understand and accept certain issues. Hope he will learn to be generous and be forgiving. Though he may hate me now, I hope he will understand all I want is to see him living life meaningfully and at peace with himself and others so that when he leaves this place, it will truly be a peaceful death with love. If not, how to have a peaceful death when there are grudges and unforgiveness within? How can a soul be free with attachment to worldly matters and unforgiveness in this world? I always look at things far ahead. He may not die now. I am just preparing him his death much later on so that he will never have any regrets. If not, by death bed, with flashback on his entire life, I am afraid he can't take it and may die with regrets. By then, it will be too late.

I hope he will understand my love for him as a friend one day though knowing him since Day 1, I have always been aware that he is self centered. He has never cared how I feel but cares about his own face and feelings. As for me, I am blessed that he is not my spouse. If not, how to communicate as husband and wife since he can't get what I am trying to say most of the time? He just cannot think as deep and from many angles. Besides, how to have a spouse who is self centered and think about only his pride and feelings? Now, I am moving on praying for a new relationship where the man who is willed by God to be my spouse to enter my life and we start developing our relationship towards marriage. How about him? All I can do is for him to wake up one day and reconcile with me.  I hope he will stop being a coward and be generous to communicate with me directly. When he learns to forgive me and reconcile with me, then he truly embraces the virtues of beatitude and extend the mercy and grace from God to me. Hope this miracle will happen. Hope that he won't be swallowed by fame and lose sight of God. When is he going to get what I am trying to say? Will he ever get it? Only God knows.

With Love,
Elena

Between Fear and Faith is just a Thin Line

It is rather amusing that a person creating another email account as 'Get Lost' just to send an email to me. If not for the email account name, I would not have guessed that it was him as only he is capable of doing such things. Thank you for the efforts. When I first read the email, what came to me was peace. Maybe, deep down, I know that the other party has steeped himself too deeply into fame. That wakes me up. It is an eye opener to me that a leader can make use of his sickness to try to be in the limelight. I would not think that I have misunderstood him. Even before he appeared in the newspaper, I would have expected that to happen. In fact, a few people had left the place because they commented the pulpit had become a stage for showy performance. What surprised me was that on the verge of dying, fame is still so important to a person that it has become more important than God. To me, it is very scary that when one has the power and in leadership position, one abuses his power to gain popularity and fame even with sickness. They are playing God. What they write or preach is no longer 'human'. It is too head in the cloud at the expense of denying all feelings, pain and suffering as a human.  This is my first encounter with such matter. I guess there is always 'first time' in our lives.

I have done reflection on this encounter. Firstly, I am not here to please. Yes, a person may be sick and needs comfort. I do empathize with people who are sick. I do show my care and concern. But, not when they have tried to be a saint and teach other sickly people to deny all fears, feelings, pain, etc. No matter how holy we may be, we are still human afterall with feelings, flesh and blood. I often wonder if I should be honest about it or I should comfort the person by saying what he wants to hear. I may comfort him but in order to have a peaceful death, it is not just about saying what comforts him but to help him to accept his sickness including his pain, feelings, vulnerability, fear, etc. I have tried to comfort him by saying what he wants to hear. But, I realize that that will only support him in drifting him away from God through his seemingly charitable deeds. It has been consistent that he is using his illness to gain attention and even fame. How can a sickness be blessing? His friend even supports such view. It is never. A sickly person may be cheerful and happy. But, does it mean that a person has got no fear? Yes, having fear of the Lord is healthy but not to the extent of not fearing to die. Healthy fear of death shows the person is truly human and loves to be in this world which is God's creation with his loved ones and friends. It does not mean that fear of Lord can deny every other fears. That is too head in the cloud. It is true that when one faces death or terminal illnesses, one will have mood swings, sadness, fears, anger, etc. It is very human. Look at Talia, the cancer Youtube star who has died recently. She was only 13 years old when she died from cancer. She refused to wear wigs but chose to teach people how to beautify themselves through make-up. She was well known as cheerful and jovial and yet she was true to herself by confessing that she was so young and why she had to get the illness. I admire her honest confession of her vulnerability. It touches the heart. It shows she was a human with feelings. She faced her cancer honestly. Only through vulnerability, will a person allow God to work through such cracks into the core for healing. When one denies all these feelings, vulnerability, fears, etc., not only the writing is no longer realistic but it will lead to more people with the illness to live in denial. It is not teaching people to face the illness honestly with an openness to healing but to suppress all these feelings, fears, negativity which will ultimately lead to explosion and making the handling of illness tougher. I was just voicing out why he did not feel the grief which others did to help him to have a more complete picture so that his writing could really touch others who are not in vocation and have dependents in their lives. When it comes to sickness, it is not just as simple as a person suffering alone. It involves others in that sickly person's life and what to do with the responsibilities that he has been shouldering if he were to be gone. How about children? Isn't it too not human without feelings, without fear? I wonder if he ever suspected that in the disguise of calm and cheerfulness was denial to be vulnerable as a human. If not, he would not have shouted at me when I visited him in the hospital.

Secondly, it is very scary to know a person with both public and private personas. You no longer know who he is. You don't know if you should communicate with the public him or the private him. If I communicate with the public him, I will only lead him away from God and he will never grow. He will feel ever emptier and misunderstood. Ultimately, he will only die in misery.  If I communicate with his real private persona, I will run the risk of offending him or getting nasty treatment from him if he prefers to live in his fantasy world. And yet, if he is open and sincere, you will help him to be himself with sincerity and he will become sincere with others and no longer has to live double lives. With double lives, whatever he writes or teaches seems holy and true and you expect him to walk the talk for most of them that he has taught. But, the true story is the person practises that to only the people he likes while being nasty to the people who don't. You think he has changed for the better but you will only get more tired and confused when you realize that he has not changed abit. The superficial face of change is just for public show. I am very tired of such communication. Ultimately, I know what kind of death the person is going to face. Only, he, himself, knows. God has not meant our lives and death to be like that.

Thirdly, it is easy to write and preach from our own comfort zones. Not everyone needs to go through poverty like others to truly live the virtues of beatitudes. How do I know if a person only has this head knowledge but not embracing the virtues from the heart? That is when you see how he treats the less fortunate, the poor and even his enemies. It requires one to truly admit and embrace himself as poor in spirit so that the richness from God is shared with all others. When a person divides the people around him as likes and dislikes with totally different treatment, you know the person is disintegrated within and has this subtle arrogance to be high up there, giving the privileges to the people he likes. It has become a fan club. Then, you know he does not embrace beatitudes within the heart. There is sense of entitlement that only if you agree with me, you are in the community. If not, simply get lost. There is no humility, forgiveness and mercy extended to ALL others. The beatitude also ties in the scenario where Jesus had meals with the tax collectors and sinners. He did not just go for the influential and rich. In fact, he lost his cool when people turned the temple into a marketplace. If he lives among us now, I wonder how many 'marketplaces' he is going to turn upside down.

Then, this is my first time encountering a terminal sickly person who instead of forgiving others, becomes higher up there playing God. Is that really fear of The Lord? If there is, why still treating others nastily behind the holy front? Did Jesus live that double lives? Normally, a dying person will let go of the grudges and forgive others as he has waken up that there is no point in bearing such grudges right into the grave. It affects the state of soul entering into the other world. The person will definitely miss the narrow gate as he is clouded by all these unforgiveness, hatred and grudges. I am quite taken aback that this person who stubbornly refuses to forgive people and choose to hold on to grudges. I wonder why. Is his hatred greater than the love in him? Is his heart only that small?  I may have overestimated him and was so stupid to ask for reconciliation as I believed his change which was obviously foolish of me to believe that holy public front. Even if he wants me out of his life, he can put it properly without naming his email account as 'Get Lost'. It only brings the anger and hatred out of him.

There is also something I have learnt. A person may be older than me and hold certain position up there but it does not mean that his level of understanding and enlightenment is there. People grow at different pace and may not be according to their ages and positions. Based on his negative reaction and childish behavior (which I find funny), it is obvious I have overestimated this part of his. He simply cannot get it. As long as he doesn't handle issues within, he will never get it. I may have neglected that he does not have that level of understanding that I thought he has. He is not stupid. All he lacks is experience to live as an ordinary person. I did ask him to let go all the position, influential friends and luxury for only one year and I can guarantee with openness and humility and God's guidance, the beatitudes live deeply in him. I guess he thought I was trying to be sarcastic about his luxurious lifestyle. He got it completely wrong. Like I have mentioned, not all people need to go through the humble experience like that. Some people do need that to have certain level of enlightenment. I guess in his case, the pride is so strong that it comes with the attitude of who are you to tell me what to do since I am high up there. Fr Rolheiser who has been my virtual spiritual director and his as well did write something about issues living within our comfort. Why didn't he seem to get it? It's along the same line as what  have written to him. They just coincide.  For me, I look at the person and address the needs, especially areas of growth. Most people around him keep giving him what he wants to the point of spoiling him. There were a few occasions I served in the areas where he used to be in charge of. Most of them were quite screwed up in that women fought with each other or refused to allow the other one to join the group as they were fighting for favour from him. Scary cat fight to me over a man who could never marry them since they were married. Even seemingly godly leaders appointed by him left the groups suddenly, leaving the groups with no direction and in mess while the rowdy youths who were the rejected by him remain serving now. I wonder when he will ever wake up to see that his formation of fan club has been leaving trails of mess and fight among the people. This is the truth that I have been seeing and even helping to clear up for some. As long as he does not change and fails to see this, he will continue to leave such trails of mess behind. Everyone makes mistakes. Most importantly, we learn and improve and move on. It does not seem to be the case in this situation. I am sorry I can't please him even if it is easier and can easily gain his liking. But, that is not my role of dragging him away from who he is and away from God by allowing him to continue with such sins. It is akin to keep giving the person comfort food like chocolate to the point of luring him to want more. Ultimately, leading to health problems and even death. If I keep pampering him and pleasing him, he is spoilt and becomes not receptive to any growth which he is now. Now, it is sad that I am seeing him living like a spoilt king with people who keep giving him comfort food to the point of poisoning his soul. It is beyond me to do anything. I am not God. I will let God do the job of bringing him down before it is too late. The illness should bring him down. Instead, it becomes worse. I am also right to leave the church. Fr Rolheiser did mention about growing with a community of sincerity though the community is flawed. I agree with that. Personally, I do not mind that a community is flawed as there is no perfect community. The problem lies with I was in community of show and pretension where the church became a playground for the rich and influential. How can I ever grow healthily like that? Even blessing should be received by only some people whom the leaders thought deserved. Where is that sincerity? I know my last email to him might have hurt him. I was just speaking the truth in general and it was not about attacking him. I just hope when he is in remission, he can do something about it or improve on situation with his power. I think he can't get it again. I got it from him again. When is he ever going to get it? Maybe, I have overestimated his change and though that he could read my emails objectively without thinking that I was attacking him. Also, I have overlooked that his groups of people who keep praising him and supporting him even if he is too head in the cloud or wrong will never help him to see different views as constructive feedback.

I do sympathize with him as he has been trying to be a performer. It is easy to see his insecurity. I only went to the hospital once for reconciliation. He made it sound like I was always there. Need to call security in? I don't even know if he is in the hospital most of the time. Sometimes, I don't even visit his blog for weeks. How would I know if he is there?  For him, it's always about being noticeable and attention. He may have a difficult past. That is why I do not shout at him in the public nor hate or bear grudges towards him. His vocation has dragged him away from God instead of drawing him near since his position has got ready accessibility to fame, popularity and prestige that he yearns for but are the very elements for his downfall. The worst matter is most people around him feed him more of such elements. He just does not see that and thinks that I am jealous of them. Oh, gosh! How do I shake him up from his delusion? With his illness now and upkeep with his public holy image, I would not be surprised that he may collapse one day as whatever in him eats him inside together with cancer cells while juggling contradictory double lives. I could still sense intense hatred in him. I am sorry that I cannot help in this area.

At this point, it is good that he has asked me to get out of his life. Somehow, though upset with his behaviour, I feel at peace at the same time. He is too high up there and I can never reach him. Anyway, who am I to go up there since Jesus does not even go up there for show? Besides, I can never stoop myself to please him like the people around him. Anyway, he is neither my boyfriend nor spouse. I cannot do anything if he persists such behaviour and attitude towards some people and life in general. I think that is his way of embracing Christianity which I can never grasp. He has chosen a path where he makes it tough for us and torturous for himself. I simply do not understand why. His current behaviour and words only prove that I have been right about him and he continues to cowardly hide in that small fantasy world. He does not even have guts to reply me through his own email account. I think he knows what he is doing is wrong and would not want to get into trouble. Then, why persists in such behaviour?  He has not changed abit. Ok, I do not intend to tell other people whom he knows about this. No point. They can continue to see him as holy as long as they are helped in some ways. Maybe, that is also his way of living a holy life. Sorry, it is beyond me to understand how holy a life can be with double lives going on in a person at the same time. It is simply dark to me.

I have spoken to my boss about it as I need to handle his last email to me properly. We had a good talk as friends last evening as I was seeking advice from her as my senior. She is both a leader at work and church and has been successful in life. I still look up to her as a role model as she is a Christ centered leader with humility though she has come from a well to do family. People like her do not have to go through life of poverty to embrace beatitude. I was quite surprised that as a wealthy person herself, she also had problems with growing in churches where the rich and influential are. She also looks for a community where she can sincerely serve and grow with others. I am learning from her as I am aware of my various flaws. After talking to her, I know much better how I feel. It becomes clear to me that I liked him at that point of time and he had clearly indicated he chose me over the fans around him a few years ago. It's just that I could not get it. Sorry, guy, I have let you down and you suffered misunderstanding at that time.

My stand now is I will stay out of his life. If he is willing to let go of his position, fame, popularity, I am willing to go through thick and thin with him as his spouse if it is God's calling. Or, if he is willing to reconcile, we can always be friends. He can be very sick now or even dying. But, so what? Even if I am not sick, who can guarantee me that I can live beyond 50 years old? To me, no matter how long he can live, be it a few years, few months or even a few days, they are still gifts from God. Why not live truthfully and meaningfully with sincerity? A person can embrace and live in Christian way only when he is sincere and true to others and self.  I was wrong to decide for him and even force him back to his vocation as I was thinking too much and stuck myself too much to my principles even though he had shown me he did like me and I did like him and was happy with him. If I could turn back time, I would accept him if he decided to give up his position instead of pushing him back at that time. He is talented. Whether he is in or out, he can still serve in creative ways. I will leave it to him to decide for now. As for me, if he is for me, I will make sure I will walk through his life journey with him loving him till the very end. If not, I will start anew with the man willed by God to be my spouse. If he wants reconciliation, we can always be friends. But, if he insists on leaving things in such miserable state, I can only ask if he is sure this is Christian living and he is really happy with things as it is now, if he is sure he is practising what he has been writing and teaching. I really hope that he will wake up.

I will continue to pray for him. If he wakes up after his transplant and wants reconciliation, I will reconcile with him. Throwing tantrum on me does not help the situation. I hope that one day, he will be man enough to face me and reconcile with me. Meanwhile, I will keep him in my prayers for him to recover.

With Love,
Elena

Fun of Diving Into the Deep Sea Though With Exposure to Hurt

Just feel like writing a reflection today after one yesterday. I have not really been going back to church. Somehow, when standing outside the Catholic compound and looking in, things seem to be crystal clear to me. In church, I may find myself too religious and not necessarily spiritual. I followed certain laws so strictly that I became stoic. I try to blend into the church setting so much that I almost killed myself as my church environment was not really healthy for growth. I was very harsh on myself as people around me were constantly judging me. I am not blaming them here as everyone is responsible for his own life. I am just admitting that I was affected by them alot to the point of getting depressed. I loathed what I saw but I kept it to myself most of the time. I did not want to get involved with any politics and fights and jealousy but some people just did not want to let me go and get me involved. It was not easy to go against the crowd just to be right with God. You may step on toes, especially people with authority, and that's it. Your life there may become hell. It's a lonely path and yet, you are at peace with God.

After I had completed my mission in the church, I decided to move out of church after much prayer. I prayed for a place where I could grow with a group of Christians with a serving, humble wise leader. After my foundation and necessary hell in church to strengthen my character and faith, I need a concrete example of serving leadership for me to learn from. I realize that in church, some seemingly holy people may write very well or even comment very well in some spiritual blogs but when looking at their behaviour, their words were not in congruence with their behaviour. They lead double or even triple lives. I have seen how they fought like animals in church and how they have formed fans' clubs and elitists' clubs in church out of arrogance and pride. I am not just referring to my own parish. I am referring to the churches I had been to in Singapore in general. I also did self examination and I was in danger to be part of them as I was arrogant and harsh on others at times and some people suffered because of it. I decided to move out of church, knowing that I would be more misunderstood for following an idol as if I ever have one. Finally, after two years of prayers (after leaving church), my prayer was answered when I met my current boss last year. She has dramatically changed my perception towards Christianity and bring certain awareness to me, especially in the area of suffering. In fact, I have grown more outside the church. According to my art therapist last year, she told me I was spiritual though I confessed to her honestly that I have been out of church. She explained to me being religious and being spiritual are totally separate things. She assured me I was spiritual. She is right in a sense that I also realize my faith is much stronger outside church. I feel more at peace. Thanks to my Christ-like colleagues and boss at work as I spend most waking hours with them. I am still learning. On my part, I spend quiet time on the daily readings. On certain days when I am too tired for any readings, I would just chit chat with God. Writing is also my way of reflection and spending time in silence with God. My mind is cleared through such avenue.

I am not sure if suffering has been emphasized so much in the Catholic church that some of us have been looking for it subconsciously to prove our substance within. I am not even sure if some of us have warped idea of suffering within the Christian context. I have come across some Christians with smooth sailing life looking for suffering so as to prove their worth. Somehow, blood boils within me whenever these people reveal to me they are out to look for suffering and I can't even believe that some wish to have it. Some even yearn for it!! To me, it is like the what the hell! They have missed the point totally. Worse still, their friends and people around them support them in that mentality, misinterpreting it as part of holiness. Gosh! Maybe, I am just not as holy or deep as them to see holiness in that way. Or, maybe, if a person is in that environment for too long, he is blind to realize that. That is also known as blind spot.

Have been reading articles on suffering. I guess looking from outside the church, my mind is clear in a sense that people do not just shine through suffering. To be exact, people shine through love. Suffering may be just one of the ways of bringing out love if accepted according to God's will. My boss who is in good health shines in her leadership. She has been leading rich life. In fact, I am learning from her. God is telling me through her that it may not mean that people only shine through major suffering.

Anyway, suffering may not be major at times. Being misunderstood or scolded is another form of suffering. Suffering ridicule or mockery from others is another form of suffering. Being abused at work or in relationships is yet another form of suffering. It does not mean that we have to go through major events like illnesses or loved ones' death that we may become deep with substance. Some people after going through them become worse with self pity or self destruction. Worse still, some may even think they can become saints in the future only after major suffering. Sometimes, I do suspect that some people with such mentality may have some undetected mental disorders or unhealthy self esteem as these thoughts seem to be compulsive and they may even be obsessive with sainthood. I am afraid even before they become saint, they become insane with unnecessary misery and suffering brought upon themselves with such mentality. How to live life to the fullest and enjoy God's blessings and miracles with such mentality? I may be wrong. That is just my thought.

I think some of us may have misunderstood what accepting God's will is all about. It is not just about accepting our major illnesses or facts about dying that we show that we accept God's will.  It starts from the very nitty gritty small suffering in our daily lives. From my current boss, her suffering would be how she protects us as a leader while having to cope with the high demands from the management. She is working very hard daily, sometimes even while she is sick. When we get into trouble, she has to carry the burdens as a leader to protect us. She may have some minor problems in the family which we may not know. These are part of her suffering and yet all of us in the team really admire her humility and strength. So far, we all think that she is a good boss who practises the Christian values. She walks the talk. Talk is cheap. Walking speaks louder than empty talks. When we do something wrong, she never fails to forgive. Under her, she keeps on reminding me not to be so harsh on myself and set the standard so high that I suffocate myself. I listen to her and try to be more compassionate towards myself so that I will know how to be compassionate towards others.

That is her way of accepting God's will. She goes through her own suffering with God's grace. Suffering should not be the major focus in life. The focus should be love. I am honored to have met many people in my life. I like to study and observe people as my hobby. Some people may have gone through major suffering but have chosen to self pity and even self glorification with the tendency to be arrogant by placing self above everyone or trying to get attention from as many people as possible. I often feel very tired around them and I also feel tired for them.  I also have some people in my life who have been leading smooth sailing lives and yet Christlike by forgiving people again and again and share what they have with the others with sincerity. This has taught me in life that suffering does not necessarily mean depth and substance in a character. Rather, it is more on what we focus on and approach towards life. Accepting God's will is also about accepting people whom God has allowed into our lives. If we try to get rid of them or change them according to our idealized images of them, it is not accepting God's will. We are just willful in trying to get our ways or no way. Who are we to change them? So, accepting God's will also means accepting people as who they are. We can advise them or help them to realize certain things which may have gone unnoticed or warn them out of love at times but we cannot force them.

I always place sincerity above other values. Before sincerity, integrity and honesty have to come in. How can a person be sincere if he can't even be true to self and others? When looking for close friends and examples of serving leadership, the very quality I zoom in is sincerity. People are generally smart. They will sense if you are sincere or not. Sometimes, it's just a matter of people wanting to expose you or not. To me, it is a rare gem to find sincere people around as the world has been promoting individuality and packages. I wonder how many layers of masks most people are wearing each day. It is very tiring to keep changing the masks. When a person is sincere, transformation can take place in a person as he is true to accept himself as who he is and embrace others as who they are no matter how different they may be. Generally, such people are open to receive feedback and keep improving on themselves. Some other Christian values like forgiveness and mercy will be seen in them. Instead of living in their own worlds, they are willing to open up themselves and connect truly with the others. Only a soul to soul connection with each person in our lives, will we truly have a deep and transformative touch on a person beyond superficiality, especially in pastoral ministry.

I am very proud to have very few sincere friends around. Sometimes, we may not like what some of us have said to one another and yet we forgive and continue with our friendship. My best friend and I have known each other for almost two decades. What I appreciate in her is her sincerity. She will be frank with me about my flaws and accept the whole me. One thing she said touched me till now when I asked her why she still wanted to go for another holidays with me as I know I can very hot tempered and impatient, "That is you." with a smile. Only three words but they go deep into me. We know each other's flaws but we never judge harshly. We are very different. I should say both of us are really at two ends of the polarities respectively. We just accept each other. Though we only meet twice a year due to our busy schedules, we are still close. She is definitely my blessing in my life.

If you ask me whether I have regretted leaving my parish, my answer is still a definite no. Honestly speaking, I feel more tiring inside with some people out to cause divisions due to arrogance, unforgiveness. I am just too tired of it. I have leaders who even tweak the sharing to justify their unkindly actions and words and even why they 'need' to have such divisions and seem to be proud of it. Justifying one's actions and words does not mean that those actions and words are justifiable in God's eyes. Sometimes, it irritates me that they fight over petty things like usage of some English words to prove their language flair. I find it silly as life is definitely much larger than such petty way of proving self worth. I find it even more silly to follow leaders blindly like fans going after idols or celebrities. They seem to worship them above God. This is something I loathe since young. To me, celebrities are also human beings. We may admire certain traits in them that we may not have. But, going to the extent of worshiping them is absurd. It is even stupid to please them and support them even if they are wrong. I feel more sick when some leaders listen to their fans and do what they want even if it is wrong just to gain popularity and fame or afraid of losing support. I begin to wonder where God is in such cases and church has become a marketplace. How can I grow in a marketplace then?

I am still learning and improving. I am not sure how long I am staying with my team. When God calls, I will leave. I think I am not leaving in near future as I have a lot more to learn from my team. Sometimes,  being too comfortable and staying too long with some people in the same old environment hinders growth and may cause one to be lack of substance and become complacent and even take things for granted. His world can only be so small as he only allows the same group of people in his life. He is too sheltered as people around him may protect him too much or only out to please him. Some people around me told me I meet interesting friends. Some ex-colleagues were amazed at why I know so much things about office politics beyond my age.  I would always reply that happens only when I allow myself to be thrown into the deep sea when called forth. Imagine if I were to stay on the shore in my comfort zone with the same people who please me. When am I going to dive into the deep sea taking the risk of being hurt but discovering the wonder of God's creation with interesting unknown marine life? Life is like a deep sea. If I choose to stay onshore with the same old people whom I am comfortable with, I will never meet interesting people and my world is only that small, never learn much. I will never allow myself to be open for God's miracles to work. Want to have substance in you character? Muster the courage and throw yourself into the deep sea with the equipment God has blessed you with like faith, the Word, sacraments, other people, etc. No pain, no gain. Now, I am out of church, into the deep sea. I am happy exploring and I know more miracles to come with my heart and mind open though also with the risk of exposing myself to hurt. I would expect my future spouse to have the confidence and faith to dive into the deep sea exploring with me. In fact, I would expect him to guide me. Men are supposed to lead. No matter how strong or tough I am, I would expect my future spouse to lead by faith.

Enough of my sharing here. Have to go home early as I need to come to the office early for news monitoring. :( Thinking of camping in the office as I stay far away. So, if you are still onshore, dive into the deep sea with courage and equipment that God has blessed you with.  If one person is too lonely, get some friends or loved ones to dive with you. You may dive together for company but each of you will have totally different experience in the deep sea for deep sharing with each other. You will enjoy the fun though with occasional hurt and pain along the way. It's a worthy risk. No pain, no gain.

With Love,
Elena

Tough Love (pun on tough; tough to love and tough love on my loved one)

Have just done my reflection on Fr Rolheiser's blog entry, 'Our Fundamental Option' after a hectic and frustrating day at work (Worse with insomnia last night). I am still in the office writing my reflection and rumination with the peace and quietness in the office. Great time for quiet time with God and get in touch deeply with my spiritual self in silence though with music in the background to keep me focused.  Something just prompted me to go to Fr Rolheiser's blog for guidance and reflection. So, I be a good girl and listened to God's call. As usual, Fr Rolheiser has never failed to assure me that I am still on the right track on my spiritual path. I also turn to my colleague (who is six years younger than me) and boss for advice regarding certain issues in my life. I know only humility will open up door for God to work wonder within me. Even when my colleague is much younger than me, I seek his advice as I believe in striking a balance in getting advice between people older and younger than me. It gives me different perspective and widen my horizon. I do not believe that people younger than me are not capable of advising me. So far, they do give me fresh perspective and new ways of looking at things though they may not have suffered much in the world.

Fr Rolheiser's blog entry on  'Our Fundamental Option' reminds me of my last email to my loved one. When I mention loved one, I do not mean lover. He is just one of the people I really care and love. That email might be harsh on him. I guess I have felt too much pain for him on the way he has treated himself. That 'anger' in my email comes from my pain in seeing him leading life in that way and I know he will live in misery in the end as I had seen him leading that kind of life when I journeyed with him years ago. He is repeating that vicious cycle. I am afraid it may be too late for him to do anything if he regrets in the end. All of us have to die one day. There is no way to avoid death. But, I do agree totally with Fr Rolheiser that 'In the face of our earthly diminishment and death will we choose to let go and die with a cold heart or a warm soul?' It determines my state of soul upon death. That in turn determines if we head to heaven or hell, if I see the narrow gate to heaven or miss it even if it is right in front of me. We still have a choice on how we want to live our remaining days. I am not sure how long my loved one is going to live. I know he will be mad at me for that last email and may never want to see me again. What is more important to me is his spiritual state, whether he is living life with soft soul or hardened heart. When you truly love a person, you really want him to live life to the fullest with soft warm soul and ultimately peaceful death.

When my loved one scolded me during my hospital visit, I had a mixture of happiness and sadness. No anger at all. Why happiness? Mad, right? I was happy because I thank God he is still alive and has the energy to scold me. I know that he will live. I am happy to see his presence as a present from God. I am sad because his expression was full of anger and hurt. I felt the anger and hurt deep within him. It hurt me to feel what was within him and no words could express my sadness. That prompted me to write the last email to him after much prayer and at peace on my part. I leave it to God to open him up to interpret and receive God's love through that seemingly harsh email. That email is what I term as A Tough Love Letter. If he thinks that I am all out to hurt and humiliate him, I have got nothing to say. No one with a sound mind will put his loved one down and deliberately hurt him after many years of encouraging and journeying with him. I have been very honest in my email. I wonder if he has ever wondered why I still stay by his side encouraging and caring for him despite his nasty attitude and words. Nobody, including me, enjoys being scolded, humiliated or any nasty attitude, especially from our loved ones. It hurts deep and it cuts deep. It's not that I want to show others I am Christlike. In fact, Christlike can never be used on me. I have a lot of flaws which I am aware of and still in the midst of improving. All of us want to be praised, loved, cared, by our loved ones. Seriously speaking, I gain nothing out of loving him. In fact, all I get is scolding.

The reason is I see beyond his surface. I know he has kind sensitive by nature, capable of love.  My last email was to be utterly honest with him and creating awareness of certain issues before it is too late for him. I took a high risk. It's either he hates me forever (it is very miserable to be hated by a loved one) or he wakes up and lives life to the fullest with joy deep within. If you ask me whether I have regretted writing that email, I have never and I will still make the choice of sending it to him. It is my duty as a friend to tell him those matters out of Love. If not, I am very sure I will commit the sin of omission. In fact, it is easier to pretend that nothing happens and moves on. But, I know that I can't. I have given him the choice how he wants to live. I do not intend to impose my will on him. I keep my door open to him if he changes his mind down the road. My point has never been whether he likes me or not, whether he sees me as a lover or not. If those were my points, I could have kept on doing or saying things to please him. He will definitely like me. But, I believe that will only hinder his growth, lower his quality of life and destroy his life in the end. Many people have misunderstood me. So, it does not kill me with him added on to the list (though I do feel hurt). But, this hurt is necessary if he grows and live life to the fullest.

I guess for me, I can tell myself logically that I have done my best for him to the point of hurting myself and have moved on. I have stopped reading his blog after my last email and I have never tried to find out anything about him. My heart still cares. I am still wondering how he is coping now. Is he fine? Is he puking very badly? Can he take it? Is he feeling angry, sad, miserable, depressed? Will he give up? Can he eat at all? Is he feeling cold? Is he feeling lonely? Is anyone there for him? I have many questions in my mind. I am still worried. Whenever the train passes by the station near the hospital he stays daily to and fro between home and workplace, I will think of him.  We can lie to our minds and right to our own faces We can never lie to our hearts, especially in absolute silence. God looks into our hearts. I am comforted that God knows my heart despite the nasty treatment and misunderstanding from my loved one. It is definitely a torture when your loved one treated you nastily even if he knew that he had limited number of months or years left. No words could describe such pain.

I think my loved one has forgotten that I am a human with feelings and prone to mistakes and sins. He has forgotten that I am much younger than him (He was already in Secondary School while I was still in my mother's womb) and still in the midst of improving myself. I also need time to change. Instead of scolding me, he could have talked to me and guided me as a senior what I have done wrong so that I could improve and not repeat my mistakes. I also need guidance and reminders. I am willing to change. Over the years, I do listen to him and heed his advice. Maybe, to him, my flaws are always bigger than me as a child of God. Has he ever thought that due to our age gap, it is much more difficult for me to be honest with him and advise and encourage him? I take much higher risk of being misunderstood and scolded by him.  I still take the risk out of Love. Love overwrites liking. Of course, I hope he likes me. But, liking is only temporary. I don't want to be so self centered to get him to like me by pleasing him. Love is eternal. And it entails certain level of tough love when called forth to be that 'bad' guy. I have never blamed him or angry with him the way he treats him as it is the choice I have made.  am bearing the consequences.

I wonder if miracle will ever happen that he will forgive me and sit down with me over a meal where we talk to each other nicely. I still carry that glimmer of hope with me that that may happen though cruel reality seems to be slapping me right on my face that it will never happen. Well, God is almighty and magnificent. We will never know how the mystery of Love works. And, that, itself, comes little surprises from God which enrich one's life as long as we first open ourselves to be vulnerable with humility. I am still carry that glimmer of hope that my loved one will finally wake up and reunite with me one day. No matter what, God's love never fails.

With Love,
Elena

How much I am Loved...

Once again, God has reminded me how much I am loved by Him and I should not be abused or taken for granted in any ways. I may love or like a person a lot but it does not mean that he can take me for granted. If I continue to allow that, I am not loving him but spoiling him, allowing him to continue to sin. I guess I have this problem of keeping quiet about things until I blow up one day, giving people the impression that I am very hot tempered. Little do they know that I have been keeping things about them for years in some cases which they are not even aware of.

At my workplace, I have learnt about how much I am loved. I had a very hearty meal with my department celebrating our award for Corporate Social Responsibility on last Thursday. We talked about our personal lives. The main topic was marriage. Then, the attention turned to me as they claimed that I tend to close myself up even before a guy can know me well. They were pretty straightforward about it which I appreciated their honesty. They even told me if needed, if I am clueless about what certain cues from  a guy mean, I could always ask them for advice since I am pretty idiotic about social cues.

I enjoy being in my team as they are very honest with me. Certain things said about me may be pretty hard to stomach but I still accept them with gratitude. These honest feedback will help me to improve in the long run and I really appreciate that. I think my boss can't wait to marry me off. I guess my team mean well. They enjoy their intimate relationships with their other halves and they would like to see me enjoying such relationships as well. I feel very loved in my team. My boss behaves like a mum. When I went down to the Bone Marrow Donation Programme centre for SWAB kit test, she took the efforts and time to speak to me before that, warning me that my health is not really that fit. She is concerned about the consequences that I may have to bear if I were to be called for donating my stems cells. I assured her that I have prayed about it and will take care of myself though I would like to save a life when called forth. I really appreciate her going beyond her work and talk to me as an elder.

This period of time has been tough on me. My 'brother' scolded me for visiting my friend in the hospital. Though my friend hurt me alot, I was also moved by this brother who told me off. I shared with him what happened. I was quite touched when he scolded me for being taken for granted. I felt God's love through this brother's scolding. He has been there for me. He even took one hour to listen to me when needed. That wakes me up in a way and I tell myself I should be not be taken for granted even if I love a person a lot. It is time for him to stop taking me for granted and learn to respect others. Being sick does not mean that I can just scold anyone I like. I used to be quite sick in the long term. But, that did not give me the rights to scold other children of God. If I have done it unintentionally, I should apologize. Mummy used to be very sick. Yes, she did scold me due to her illness but she had never taken me for granted. In fact, she protected me for all she could. This brother of mine who is going through RCIA knows how to love. Why is that friend of mine who is a leader does not even know how to have basic respect towards another person?

My other brother at work also taught me what Love is. He is much younger than me. He loves me as his colleague. Sometimes, when I am too sick or overloaded with tasks, without me telling him, he would take over some of my tasks. I never express much outwardly but I am very touched by him. I feel God's love through him as God is asking me not to work too hard. Sometimes, this young chap nags at me like an old man, asking me to go home when I stay back late for work despite my sickness. It is always all these small little gestures which touch me. I do not look for grandeur or pomp for me to be touched. In this face-paced modern society, I am grateful if a person bothers to slow down and try to understand me. Of course, I must learn to listen to constructive feedback. If not, I will never learn to be more complete. Humility is the key to widen horizon and open up one's world to connect with others'. Imagine if I were to be full of pride and always think I am right. Do you think people will even bother to tell me which areas of my life I should improve? They know I will only turn a deaf ear to their words and waste their time.

God may keep knocking at our doors through many people in my life. Sometimes,they may not be the people we like. And yet, if I am open enough without any biases but with humility and openness to God, I may also learn from these very people. When I face these people whom may be deemed as enemies or someone I loathe, they may carry the very traits which I loathe in them may also be part of me which I may subconsciously loathe and refuse to face. By rejecting these people, I may be rejecting some parts of me. Then, how am I going to grow to be more complete in God? Running away is the easiest way out as I do not have to face the pain or discomfort. It also means that I am running away some parts of myself. Instead, with God, I should view such pain or discomfort as stretch of my faith and purification. The process of purification is painful or uncomfortable and yet essential for growth.

All of us enjoy listening to words that are pleasing to our ears. Yes, they may boost our confidence and make us feel good. It is healthy to receive such 'hugs' if they are done appropriately and they are true and sincere. However, if they are done even if I am wrong or out of certain hidden agenda or for the sake of pleasing me, I will never learn the truth about myself. In fact, I may get used to such pleasing words that my pride and ego become inflated and I become full of myself. How is there going to be any room for God to work wonder in me? Yes, all of us want to be liked. But Love also entails tough love when called forth. How many people are willing to play the 'bad' guy to bring to attention to the loved one what needs to be said but may not be pleasing to the ears and yet essential for growth in the long run, especially in this modern world where social media has become the very tool for display of popularity and narcissism? Sometimes, I may not be even aware that I am feeding my ego and pride too much with such narcissism and display of popularity through the social media or blog. One thing I like about Fr Rolheiser's blog is there is no comment from people. Sometimes, comments from people can be veered towards the favour of the writer, especially when he is a priest regardless of whether he is right or wrong. Many Christians I have met worship their leaders instead of God, forgetting that these leaders are only instruments of God. The blog becomes a fans' club corner. Fr Rolheiser's blog without comments is healthy in a sense that the blog is 'clean' without any show of favoritism or biases. In fact, I like his writing style as it gives out this air of sincerity. He does not avoid controversial topics and he can be pretty honest about the areas of improvement of the church. Also, he does not bring too much attention to himself. I have read a few books from him as my spiritual input. In fact, he is my spiritual director virtually where I get direction in life through his weekly blog entry as part of my Sabbath. So far, it has never failed me. He seems to be a leader with healthy ego and self esteem without the need to constantly get approval and attention from others.

If I don't love and accept myself, I realize that honest constructive feedback will be distorted and become destructive words meant to harm or hurt me. Words that are meant for my growth from wise people will be misinterpreted as weapons to attack my pride and ego. Why is that so? That is because my self esteem is low. My self acceptance is not there.  I can never see the love out of those words from tough love as I think these people are out to attack me as I, myself, do not even accept my true self or reject part of myself. If not, my ego may be so inflated that I only want to acknowledge the good part of me and refuse to humble myself that I am still a human with flaws and need people to remind me or help me to be aware of these areas of improvement. There is this lopsided view of myself that I am blinded by such inflated ego for me to have the opportunities to grow.

Personally, as I open and humble myself over the years with healthier self esteem and ego, I can see myself clearer and clearer and I am open to constructive feedback from others. Also, while I humble myself, I also do not allow others to abuse me in any ways. Sometimes, when some people are angry with me for keeping silence about certain unhappiness, I am very touched that they tell me off and remind me to speak up. People need people afterall. The fact that all of us come from another people's wombs have shown us that. Our existence also comes from another humans. When we are sick, we need doctors to treat us. Even doctors need other doctors to treat them when they are sick. This tells me nobody is an island. There is nothing to be arrogant about. If I am smart, so many people out there are smarter than me. If I am pretty, so many women out there are prettier than me. The list can go on and on. The competition is never ending. Instead of lamenting over what I do not have, why do I not count my blessings? I may not have what others have. However, what I have, others may not have too. That makes everyone of us unique masterpiece of God. That makes us different parts of the body of Christ coming together to grow to be more complete in God with Jesus as the head.

Humility is that key to the world of possibilities, miracles. Often, people who are arrogant or full of themselves will have difficulties in experiencing miracles with gratitude even if miracles are right in front of them as they are too full of themselves or they think they deserve the privileges. They want to have control over everything and everyone that there is no room for God to work wonders. They can never fathom love at a deep level as they have played God to have control over everything and everyone. Even if they suffer, they may use suffering as tools to bring attention to themselves. I have met such people in my life. It amuses me that suffering can be a tool for self glorification. In fact, it hurt me if a close friend were to do that. It shows that he has been feeling empty inside and has never experienced love at a deep level, seeing suffering as part of his KPI to attain holiness. He has never loved himself as part of God's creation out of Love. If he loves himself, he will not 'seek' or look forward to such suffering, thinking that only through suffering will a person become deep with substance. Suffering is not god that fills us inside. It is God who is Love, with suffering or not.

Why do some sick people fight for life? When they fight for life, it does not mean that they do not accept God's will. It means while accepting God's will, they still do their very best, despite the pain, torture, grief, etc. as part of Human's fallen nature to live life to the fullest even if they do not feel like doing it at times. They fight out of Love. They make full use of the treatment available to keep going so that they may continue to use their talents and presence to share God's love with the others even if they may feel like giving up at times as our flesh is weak and prone to give up easily. It is this fight against giving up when our body is giving way. These people do not control the results. They just give their best to love themselves, others and God with whatever limited energy, capacity, talents left out of their illness. It is not just as simple as to just keep oneself alive. It is this faith out of Love for God, others and self as part of the creation of God that one fights against one's weak flesh which is prone to giving up and self will which may not even be God's will to not to give up on hope but to have this faith to continue to live to love. As long as I am alive, it is God's will for me to continue to live with hope and continue my mission to share God's love with others, giving cheerfully and receiving with gratitude and thanksgiving to the givers and God. When we give thanks to others for the love we receive with gratitude, we are thanking Jesus at the same time as Jesus is in everyone. What we do to our brothers and sisters is what we are doing to Jesus.

Stat loving yourself as you are part of God's creation. If you think you are ugly or stupid or unworthy, you are using those terms on God as you are part of Him. Count your blessings. If rubbish can be recycled, if faeces can be used as organic fertilizers for crops and plants to grow, how about us as children of God? If we think we are junks, then God becomes the biggest junk as we are part of the magnificent Him. It is up to us to open ourselves for God to use us creatively to share His Love with the others. God is Love. As part of this infinite Love, we are all parts of Love. Therefore, our mission in life is called to love, not just others and God, but also ourselves as the very part of the creation of Love within His Divine Plan. As long as you are living, it is never too late to start loving. God loves you and I love you too.

With Love,
Elena