Time for some written diarrhea. If not, will suffer from
serious ‘constipation’. Finally, the lent period is over. Easter Day was on
last Sunday which marked the end of lent. I should say this Easter has got some
breakthrough for me. It happened on a Maundy Thursday. It has been a practice
for some of the Catholics to visit other churches on the Maundy Thursday. For
me, deep within, I have missed church very much. Due to certain reasons, I am
not prepared to go back to the Catholic Church yet. I guess God looks into my
heart. He knows how much I would like to go to the church and yet I don’t know
how to go about getting into a church without fear. Finally, He brought me back
to Him through a friend on the last Maundy Thursday night. It was all His
divine arrangement.
At first, I intended to sit in a corner of the pantry at my
workplace. I decided to sit there and stone as I was plagued with a lot of
issues in my life. I was feeling so down that I could not see any way out. The
more I tried to sort out my issues, the more I could not see any doors. Also, I
did not want to do this in front of a friend who was still hard at work in the
office. I decided to stone alone until she left the office as I did not want to
trouble her with my problems since I thought she was already overloaded with
work and her own family. At around 8plus, I went back to my desk as I thought
she should have left. I packed my things and was ready to go home. As I was
figuring out how to switch off all the lights (I wonder who the hell created
such complex switching system), my friend suddenly appeared and I jumped up.
She told me she thought she heard my footsteps near the restroom and decided to
turn back for me. She was waiting for me to give me a lift. However, my
instinct told me she might want to tell me something else. I just kept my heart
open and waited for her to say what she wanted.
Finally, in her car, she asked me if I wanted to go to her
church since I had shared with her earlier on that I did not want to go home
early. I paused for awhile, praying silently about it since the church was not
a Catholic church. She did not push me. She allowed me the space and time to consider.
Somehow, I was prompted to accept the invitation. I agreed to go with her. She
shared with me when she looked at my laptop on my desk in the office earlier
on, something prompted her to ask me to go to her church. I think it was all
arranged by God. God had used her as an instrument to get me to church.
What happened in the church overwhelmed me and moved me to
tears. No words could describe how touched I was in the church. By the time we
went in, the pastor was finishing his sermon. My friend apologized to me for
being too late for the sermon. Actually, it did not matter. Basically, God
wanted to show me how much He loves me through the songs and the practice after
the sermon. The song sung right after the sermon was a Taize prayer, “Stay with
me. Remain here with me”. I got very shocked that I could hear that prayer in a
non-Catholic church. That song ran deep into me as it was one of the Taize
prayers which I liked and picked for one of the priesthood promotion event when
I was part of the vocation team in a parish. That Taize prayer made me feel at
home with God even though I was in a totally foreign non-Catholic church.
Somehow, Taize prayers have a way of getting deep into my heart, giving me
peace no matter how down or troubled I can be at any moments. They never fail
to calm me down and still my mind, especially when sung in a church. Since I
have not been to a church for years, I was fighting hard to hold back my tears
from the unspoken comfort. My friend was behind me and asked me if I was
alright. I simply nodded my head.
The next thing that surprised me was the way the communion
was carried out. My friend whispered to me that the practice this year was so
different from previous years. That confirmed my suspicion that God was calling
me there to touch me and show me how much He loves me. It was so Catholic way
of receiving the communion where we would walk out row by row and queued up into
two lines while slowly walking towards the altar for communion. Even the
pastors dressed like the Catholic priests. I had to keep reminding myself not
to make the sign of a cross as that was not a Catholic church. Lol. My friend was quite supportive. She queued
right behind me to guide me on how to receive communion in her church. I
understand that receiving communion to them is just a form of remembrance of
the last supper. It is symbolic. To me, while receiving the communion, albeit
in a non-Catholic church with different approach and practice, I received Jesus
through the communion. That was my approach. I still loved the feeling of slowly
walking towards the altar for the communion with my eyes fixed on the cross.
Such wonderful experience can never be found anywhere else. To me, when it
comes to communion, I cannot tolerate any nonsense from the recipients and the
givers. When anyone shows no reverence during communion, I will never fail to
bring the matter up, be that person a priest or parishioner. I strongly believe
that if I can’t even offer or receive the communion who is Jesus, Himself, how
can I say that I am a child of God who loves God since there is not even basic
respect? If you truly love someone, isn’t respect the very first basic element
in the relationship?
Sigh! I can’t break away the Catholic way of receiving
communion. I was waiting for the pastor to say, “The body of Christ” which they
would not. I almost said ‘Amen’ as if the pastor had said those words. I felt
very peaceful and loved after receiving the communion. In fact, my tears
started to build up in my eyes. After the communion, I went back to the pew to
pray and started to cry. During the moment, I realized how much I had missed
being in the church staring at the cross like I used to do. Some parishioners
used to think that I stayed back in the church to suck up to the priests. The
truth is I feel very comfortable in a church with the cross. Whenever I was misunderstood
or too overwhelmed or hurt, I would always cry to God before the cross or
simply stared at the cross and felt understood by Jesus. I remember my priest
whom I respected the most told me everyone could misunderstand me and never
understand what I am going through but Jesus would as he was also misunderstood
and was crucified to death after that. I keep those words from my priest in my
heart till now. Yes, everyone has his own cross to bear in life. If I think I am
suffering alone, I am absolutely wrong. Nobody understands our pain and
suffering more than Jesus. Suffering is part and parcel of life just as before
the hope out of the resurrection of Christ is Good Friday when Jesus suffered
and died for us. What holds me through the suffering is faith which is ‘not by
sight but by faith’. As usual, I did not bother to explain to anyone. They just
continued to spread negative word of mouth about me. I know Jesus understands
me.
After the communion, we continued to sing the hymns. Most of
the hymns were very familiar to me. One of them described exactly how
devastated and weary I was at that time. I sang it out loud to God and placed
my trust in Him again. The hymn was God’s way of allowing me to sing my hidden
feelings out to Him. Sometimes, intense feelings and thoughts can no longer be
effectively expressed through words but can be delivered accurately through
songs. I think I have kept my feelings and things so much that I was broken and
falling apart. God was using the cracks all over me for His light to penetrate
deep into my darkness to heal and touch me.
The stripping of the altar was done slowly in complete
silence and darkness. The solemnity was deeply respected by all of us who
‘mourned’ over the death of Jesus. A black cloth was draped over the big cross
at the altar. I just stared at the cross. As Jesus died, I died to my old self
with him at the cross before I resurrected with him on Easter Day as a new
person.
The whole service was sort of renewal of my baptismal vow. I
confessed my sins to God with the community and felt cleansed. I felt much
better. I could feel God’s immense love for me through the very Catholic-like
practice during the service. I could easily feel at home during the service. I
did not even have to try hard to adapt since I was very familiar with the
Catholic practice which was done at that night. That gave me the space and
attention to Jesus completely. God is showing me He knows me through and
through. No matter how far or how long I have been out of church, I am always
welcome back ‘home’ and He will pursue me no matter where or how long I have
drifted away, just like how a father in the prodigal son parable always welcomes
his prodigal son back with celebration. After the service at that Maundy
Thursday night, all of us walked out of the church quietly. I really enjoyed
the reverence that the pastor had emphasized on during the service earlier on.
I am also very grateful to the friend who was there with me.
I was very touched by her wait for me. She is a very busy person and could have
spent her time elsewhere or even rested at home. She also had her own stress. I
really appreciate her time and effort. I don’t really know how to demonstrate
my appreciation towards her but deep in my heart, I am very grateful. She tries
to listen to me and give me advice when time permits. After the service on that
Maundy Thursday night, her task of bringing me to her church from God was
completed. She could have left me alone after that. But, she bothered to drive
me to a nice café for a nice meal at her expense. When the carpark was full,
she waited patiently. When we finally
got to that place, she asked me nicely what I preferred to eat. I could see that
she cared. In this fast paced modern world, how many people bother to slow down
and spend quality time with loved ones and friends? Though most of us earn more
money, we become stingier with time. Sometimes, I really wonder how long we
have stopped slowing down to ask the people around us a simple “How are you?”
or really take a good look at our loved ones and friends. Sometimes, I get very
frustrated when some friends just fix their eyes on their phones when we are
out together. How can a person spend quality time with the other person during
the meeting when half of the attention goes to the phone? How can a person
process the conversation correctly when she is reading messages online at the
same time? To begin with, there is no basic respect for the other person
present. I know it is a norm. But, does it mean that it is right or even
respectful? It is no wonder that more and more misunderstanding arises. Friendships
and relationships are easily broken off. Some of my friends even want to
resolve conflicts through whatsapp. That is the worst form of communication for
such matters as we cannot see the other party’s body language, expression and
even hear the tone of expression, leaving more room for more misunderstanding
or misinterpretation. Gosh! Imagine if I go for mass and my eyes are fixed on
the phone instead of God. I think the priest will scold me for sure.
I am very thankful to God during this Easter. My life is still
challenging with many issues I have to sort out and overcome, some of which are
beyond my control. I don’t know how. But, I am very thankful to my friends who
have been sticking with me through thick and thin, especially during these few
months. They really care. That keeps me staying strong and continuing to
improve slowly. When I am handling too many things at the same time, they will
remind me not to take on too much. Christian life is no solo journey. That is
why participating in a mass is never an individual affair but a communal
gathering around the altar. A church is not just about individual holiness but
many different people as different parts of body of Christ coming together as a
Church. I guess church to me is everywhere. I know God has never given up on
me. This Easter is indeed one with overflowing grace in Love that keeps burning
that light of hope in me no matter where I go with my cross in life. God bless.
With Love,
Elena
