Fragile Marathon

I would like to start this blog entry by offering prayers to the victims who have perished or inured or affected in any ways by the Boston Marathon blast. All 3 deceased victims are young people with one of them only 8 years old. May their souls rest in peace! May their loved ones and friends be comforted and supported! May all the affected  and injured victims get the necessary support, love and help to overcome their fears, shock and worries to continue their lives with renewed hope!

I am going for my JP Morgan run at 5.30pm today. The beneficiaries for proceeds of this run will be the children with cleft lips and other facial deformities. For the run today, I will be carrying prayers for these children and one friend who is still undergoing chemotherapy for his cancer. Other than these groups of people, I will also carry the prayers for the victims who have perished, been injured or affected in any ways at the Boston Marathon. I have not trained for this run at all. This is my first competitive run unlike my past runs which are non competitive or only for fun. I did not pan for this run. In fact, I was approached by the running club at my organization to replace a runner for this run. In fact, my bib is still in her name. I joked with my captain that if there were to be blast for this event, nobody even knows I have perished. My colleagues heard me and went, 'Choy! (meaning touchwood)' Well, I agreed to this run without much thought. I am not sure how I can manage it as I have not really recovered from my respiratory problem. I do have concern about my health condition. But, I did have a sumptuous MacDonald breakfast to encourage myself for this run. I will not give up as my purpose is to offer my efforts and sweat and perseverance for this run as offering to God for the groups of people I have mentioned above. I believe I can do it. I am in it together with them through it all in my prayers. I do not care a damn thing about whether they appreciate or not or even know me. It does not matter. As long as they always carry hope in them and continue to use their talents and gifts for the good of others and grow to be more complete in God, I am happy. As long as they are happy, I am happy.

 What is my take for this Boston Marathon blast? Though I do not know anyone there, I should say I feel indignation and sadness at the same time for these victims. What has any marathon got to do with politics, hatred?  What are these culprits thinking for planning this? To prove that they are gods? I feel this is really a bully. They are just hurting the innocent without any defence. Does God ever hurt anyone? When people carry things to the extremes at the expense of others' well being or safety be it in the name of any gods or holiness, it will always result in wars, hurt and even death. These people's perception, attitudes and thoughts are warped. God is holy. Such acts have got no elements of holiness at all. How can they be carried out in the name of God? If God were to have such nature, I rather go to hell. The truth is that when people carry things to the extremes, they may have done it in the name of God or holiness and yet the fruits of such acts and words will always be destructive to mankind and cause death in any forms. When I saw the photo of the 8 year old boy who died during cheerleading for the runners during my daily news monitoring, I could not help it but be disturbed by his radiant smile. How could such innocent cheerful boy who meant well to be an encouragement to the others end up being blasted by such audacious violence which no words could describe the level of cruelty by these culprits? What is happening to this world? Does hatred really swallow one's conscience to such extent that the person becomes bestial with no control at all? Speechless....

I really hope that no such terrible incident will ever happen in any marathons. Marathons are healthy activities and for some, are for charitable causes. I hope such healthy activities for the body and soul will not turn into tragedies that people morn over the death of anyone. Will this deter me from any runs, especially the overseas ones in the future. I know God will intervene. From this blast, I also learn not to take for granted that your loved ones will always be there. Treasure everyone around me as I will never know who will leave me next. Carpe Diem!

With Love,
Elena

Endless Wait

Just cleared some work. Now, waiting for approval. It's a great day today. What did I get the first thing in the morning? I got a kiss from my godson as he seldom requested to kiss me. It was really sweet of him. As there is no gahmen (boss not around), my colleagues and I went to Casallena Tapas Bistro at Turf City for a sumptuous lunch. It was really a paradise on earth as we were laughing at the jokes we cracked.  The food was delectable and I could imagine the atmosphere to be romantic at night. The service crews were hospitable. One of them even sent us all the way to the door and opened the door for us. It is definitely a good place for dates, man. I told my colleagues I should have taken half day leave to shake legs there for the rest of my day. My naughty colleague asked me to apply for Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR) leave for my YOLO. What is YOLO? It is You Only Live Once. Just do as you like it. They asked me to modify YOLO to become Youth of Leukemia and Osteoporosis and I was having a committee meeting there to justify my CSR leave. Stupid, right? Ok lah. I crap alot in my team. Something serious turns out to be a joke in the end. There was one occasion I was talking about our boss. My colleague heard wrongly and it became 'Our balls' and they started cracking some dirty jokes. We just had our General Assembly on last Friday. I was too bored when the big boss was harping on 'Selling Through' and I blurted out I only knew 'Driving Through' as my colleague was driving through to get MacDonald meals just before the event. She laughed and shared it with my boss during the meeting when I was on MC on last Tuesday. She told me my boss was laughing quite loudly at the joke. Ok, lah. When I get too bored, I am full of crap. When I get too serious and look very stressed out with tight deadlines, my colleagues would laugh. It's ma chiam like I am a joker in the department. Sigh! At least, they enjoyed the jokes lah.

I am still very unhappy inside though I am trying very hard to keep my mood up since I have been falling very sick. For this whole week, I am down with asthma and fever. Very challenging to travel to work as I have to stand for at least half an hour in the train. I have at least 5 to 6 medicine which would cause drowsiness and heart palpitation and tremor. Sometimes, my vision is blur in the morning. Life still goes on. In Singapore, I have the time to die but no time to fall sick. I still have to earn a living no matter how sick I am. My colleagues and boss often have to nag at me to go home especially during this week as they know I am suffering from the side effects. But, if I don't clear my work, there is no one to cover my duties. Besides, I am a perfectionist. I expect my work to be of certain standard. Once again, my boss reminded me to let go of certain imperfection before she went off for New York for her meeting. The antibiotics really hit me hard as they are supposed to be for my asthma. My colleagues warned me not to take too much of the antibiotics and they kill both good and bad bacteria. I also know. I have got no choice as my cough has been for weeks with fever on and off and now, even with asthma. Still have to struggle to work. Have to depend on caffeine to keep me working hard. I know I am spoiling my health by driving myself too hard. But, I have no choice. I still have to earn my income. I do not have the luxury to rest as much as I need. I am still feeling like I am falling apart. However, at least, I am still healthy enough to move around and have a job. I am thankful to my colleagues and boss who would advise me and bring me around for good times together. I really appreciate them for their kindness and company during this tough time.

I thank God for trusting me though I was very disappointed and sad that some people from church twisted their words and hurt me. I am not angry with them. It's alright that they did that to me. I am comforted by God that my colleagues and boss trust me. In fact, most bosses and colleagues trust me for many years no matter where I work. My boss even asks me to claim her money for her which could be hundreds of dollars. Some bosses would ask me for advice at times. I was very touched when my current boss told me she hired me because she felt that I was reliable and true in my interview. I think God is telling me that He trusts me no matter how I have been accused by some church people. I am not angry with these people. I am just disappointed as some of them are my friends. In order to please the leader, they chose to betray me and even stop me from reconciling with him to gain his favour. I do not doubt they will be doing the same thing to hurt others. Fr James was right that life is already a struggle. Why makes things difficult for each other? Actually, I also do not understand why they want to cause divisions. It is not like by forming elitist group, you don't have to fall sick and die. Everyone still goes through the process of growth, challenges, sickness and ultimately, death. Why can't they see it?

I am still feeling sad and isolation from my loved one. It's as if I haven't struggled enough for my life with my poor health. I have already had my own share of struggle and yet he is still doing that to me. He thinks that I am a robot. It's like by not seeing me, I will stop worrying and not care. I do not know when he will wake up. All I am doing now is to keep everything bottle up inside. I do not know how much I can hold it. I hope that he won't do what 'mummy' had done to me by keeping me away from them thinking that it would hurt me less. No, it does not happen that way. The truth will come out one day and it will hurt me even more. It complicates my grief. I really hope that when I manage to see him, it won't be in the casket. It's too drastic for me. I just hope to care for him while I can. I really hope that he will leave me nice memory with us reconciling and chatting over a nice meal. Running away does not help me. It just leaves me with a deep sense of isolation and remorse. I pray that God will open him up and we will reconcile. Like what Fr James has said, after asking for forgiveness from the person, the person has to forgive. He has yet to respond. It tortures me. It's like I have committed a mortal sin and have to be condemned to hell. It's really hell on earth. Is it the legacy he is going to leave for me?

I really miss him alot as my friend. I keep thinking how he is feeling now. Is he ok? Is he still puking? Will he catch virus from the hospital? Is he feeling cold? Is he trying to put a strong front for his parents, friends and supporters and yet crying alone at night? A lot of things go through my mind. I really do not know what will happen next. I really hope he will stop hiding and reconcile with me. I do not care how much he had hurt me in the past. I just want to walk his remaining days, months or years with him as a friend.

Endless wait,
Elena

Are our hearts really so small?

Finally, can get to clear some work now. Suffering from asthma and fever. Took MC for today and rested for the whole day. Hopefully, can get back to work tomorrow as I am still having fever. In Singapore, it is true that we have time to die but no time to fall sick. I was having asthma since morning yesterday. Only got to see the doctor in the afternoon as I needed to clear some urgent tasks which were time sensitive in the morning. I got very stressed out. Doctor wanted to give me inhaler but I did not know how to use it. So, he gave me asthma tablets, Ventolin. He warned me of the side effect of tremor and heart palpitation. True enough. I had heart palpitation and tremor. It was very tough to work with the side effects. I was feeling giddy most of the time. I had at least 5 types of medicine and anti-biotics for my asthma and allergy. Just endure lo. It's not like I a dying. I should count my blessings that I am still able to run around. My boss was very kind. She knew I was suffering from the side effects and feeling very weak. When she saw me still around at 7plus in the last evening, she nagged at me, asking me to go home. I just replied I would. By 8plus in the evening when she was going off for the day, she came to Xiao Di who was also sick and me and started nagging at us to go home. Even my Xiao Di kept on nagging at me. I just wanted to clear my work with some energy. No matter what, nobody covers my duties and my work will only pile up. So, I better clear as much as I can so that I do not have to depend on caffeine to help me speeding up to clear upcoming tasks and backlogs. I know my boss may not renew my contract. But, as much as I can, I will want to do my best. I am blessed to have such considerate boss and colleagues.

Sometimes, we do take things for granted especially when they are readily available such as the air. My asthma has taught me even air is a gift from God. It is readily available and I do not have to buy it. It is breath of Love from God. On Sunday night, I was struggling to breathe as my airway was blocked. It served as a reminder that even simple breath can be a blessing from God. Human beings tend to be greedy. We look for more and more that we may neglect the very small little things and people in our lives. Yes, simple things like air and water are available. Try asking people with asthma and bronchitis and they will tell you every breath becomes so precious. Water may be clean in Singapore but may not be readily available in other countries, especially the third world countries. I remember watching this documentary about the living conditions in this remote part of China when I was having my holidays in Hong Kong. The colour of the water available for the villagers in that remote village was the milk tea colour. They bathed, washed clothes and drink from the same river. I imagined myself there. I think I would die there. But, surprisingly, these villagers survived in that tough environment.

In our modern world, especially in developed countries, are our pace of living getting too fast that we have failed to appreciate simple things like fresh air and water? Some of us even waste water which is so precious to the developing countries. Have we taken for granted what is readily available for us? I have watched a TVB show. I can't remember the title. One part of it was a 17 year old boy went to a poor village in China to experience life there in a reality show. It was very tough on him as he had to shower with cold water, no mobile phone and computer games for him, no air con for him. He could not get used to it and got into many troubles. The most touching was he was touched by the generosity and mercy from them despite hurting the people there. Instead of revenge, they looked for him frantically and worried about his safety instead of bearing grudges against him for hurting them. The boy was transformed in the end after communicating and living with these villagers with sincere heart.

This set me thinking, in society where things are always available for us and social media and games for us to indulge in, are our hearts becoming so small that there is no space for forgiveness and mercy towards others? Are we indulging into such virtual world and material world which are without human touch that we become cold? Do we need to wait till illnesses or even death strike us before we learn to appreciate every small little thing and person in our lives?

Life, itself, is a struggle. Why do we make things difficult for one another? Why can't we just forgive one another and reconcile? I have never understood why. Is fame, popularity, wealth, material wants, etc. really more important than Love? Sometimes, people care for others by looking at who they are serving, i.e. people of certain status. I am quite sick of the society I am living in. It's always a rat race. It's always about gaining favour from certain leaders and fight against others. I am also sick of seeing things in my church where everyone should be loved in Christ way and yet people still discriminate against certain people and cause divisions and form elitist groups. I am just too tired. Where is God? Is there really love? God, show me the way to Love.

God bless,
Elena

Burning out. Where to find fuel?

Just came back from my outing with my friend. Didn't enjoy myself as I was down with fever and sinus. Kept on sneezing non stop for the whole day and I do not have medicine for my allergy. So, still down with fever and sinus. I think it should be alright after my sleep. I was hit by the dust from my parish as  the main church is under renovation and we had to go for the mass at the parish hall. When I stepped into the parish hall, my nose and lungs were hit immediately. Very challenging mass for me as I had to stand for one hour. Standing for too long has always been challenge to me as my blood pressure is low and my blood sugar will suddenly go down, causing dizziness and difficulty in breathing at times. As for the mass this morning, it was more challenging with my lungs and nose hit by the dust. I was thinking of leaving the parish hall before the mass started. But, since I was there, I might as well take it as a form of sacrifice for my sickly friend and people who are suffering from cancer. By the time the mass ended, I was down with fever and sinus. Does allergy to dust really cause fever? I am not sure.

What is comforting was that Fr James came to give an interesting homily on the Sacrament of Reconciliation since yesterday marked the Divine Mercy. I have been hearing great things about his homily but had never had a chance to listen to him.  It was a blessing to be able to receive his homily. His homily was very practical, simple and yet the humor within captures our attention. I should say he lives up to his name for effective delivery of homilies or speeches. He touched about 3 steps towards Sacrament of Reconciliation. The first step is about sorrow and repentance towards one's sins. It must be sincere. No point going to a priest to rattle negative things without truly repentant and sorrowful for one's sins and make the priest get migraine for repeating the sins and keep rattling the sins to the priest. The second step is the confession itself. There is no need to confess to a priest daily about scrupulous sin such as eating ice cream on a Friday which should be a day of abstinence. Eating an ice cream is not a sin but not keeping to the abstinence is and yet the person does not have to go to the priest daily for such small sin. The third step is about penance. The penance is meant to correct what the person has done wrong. If, after saying one 'Our Father' and the person still does not talk to his friend for another ten years, there is no point in confessing the sin at all since the person does not correct himself and has not forgiven the person. Fr James also warned us to be careful of hearing the penance. There was one parishioner said one hour of 'our father, our father, our father...' when that priest was asking him to say one 'Our Father'. We all laughed when Fr James joked about it. His homily made my standing more bearable with his joke. If not, I was feeling really sick as my blood sugar was dropping with my sinus.

One thing hit me about his homily. At the back of my mind, I was thinking of my sickly friend. I apologized to him for the wrong that i had done him but he refused to reply. He is still in silence. Is it because he does not want to forgive me? Is he going to ignore me till he is gone? Or am I just not important enough or unworthy for just that one sentence of 'I have forgiven you.' from him? From his blog, I gather that he has been reading my email. But, why is he not relying my email? Am I still a bad woman to him? He knows I am suffering alot. Is he really so cruel to see me continue this way? Yes, I can always ignore if he forgives me or not and continue with my life as if nothing happens. But, is that true reconciliation? Then, we will never coexist in heaven as there is no reconciliation and one of us will have to go to hell so as not to see each other in heaven. I feel very bad for not getting any forgiveness from him. Are our hearts really so small that we can't forgive? Or is forgiveness only meant for a few precious loved ones and friends and can never be extended to others? Due to his illness, he is in isolation to fight against cancer. Doesn't he understand how miserable it is to be divided from the community? Why is he still doing that to me? Have I not been punished enough for my sins? His pets were quite mean. One of them used to be my friend. When she saw me, she ignored me because of him. Why do things have to come to this state?

God did comfort me this morning despite such treatment from my so called friend. Justina came and hugged me suddenly when I was playing Candy Crush. I needed that hug and it came at the right time though I was quite shocked. I was quite touched by her hug. Fr JJ came to me and told me it was nice to see me and he was happy to see me. Though simple words and act from both Justina and Fr JJ, I was comforted. Anyway, that friend did try to stop me from reconciling with my sickly friend and his pets a few years ago. I do not know what her intention was. Losing favour from him? I am not sure. I am very disappointed in her.

I am very upset over why my sickly friend still treats me this way. Why is he still running away? It will be devastating to me to see him in the casket the next time I see him without reconciling with him at all. It will be too drastic to me. How long is he running away? How long does he want to torture me with such silence? I am asking for forgiveness and not for him to accept me as a lover. Is it really so difficult? Or does he still divide people into worthy or unworthy of his time? He knows that I care. Why can't he reply me directly? Why through his blog again? How much time do we have to run away from each other? This is the second time I have ignored someone and found that the person is down with terminal disease and may leave me in months' or years' time. I am not sure. I really have a hard time forgiving myself. With him treating me with silence, I find it even harder forgiving myself and I do not think I deserve to live. I am feeling really down. I know it is silly. I also wonder why God sends him to me to screw my life up. The worst thing is I have spiritual bond with him which I simply can't break. Now, I accept that I can't break it but what can I do with him closing his doors to me?

Why can't he be generous to accept that we have spiritual bond and just walk with each other as friends for his remaining months or years? Why is he so scared? It's not as if I want him to be my lover. Things can be as simple as we are just spiritual friends who can connect and help each other to grow. When is he going to be a real man and stop running away? So what if he is sick? He is still a beautiful child of God no matter how much he has changed. I have never cared about his look or build. I have seen the monstrous side of him. So what is his sickly look to me? Please stop hiding. It is not doing me any good. It makes my every waking hour painful and anxious. I do not know how long I can hold on. I am still going downhill.  I have backed out of my online courses. Do I have to back out of my job as well? Just let me go through it all with you. Don't deprive me of a chance to walk with you. There must be a purpose why God still wants me to know about your condition even after I have taken the pain of avoiding you for years. I have accepted the fact that I can't run away. Why can't you let me help you? Is it because of your ego? Or you are unworthy? Heck with that lah. Just let me walk with you. I believe God will strengthen me to do that, By keep me away, you are isolating me as usual and cut me deeper. If you read this blog entry, please wake up. Stop torturing each other. Let's just walk together with the guidance of God. I really hope God leads you to read this blog entry and wake you up before it is too late. I am worried sick without seeing you. I have been falling sick. How much more medicine do you want me to feed my body with? Are you really so cruel? I hope we will really chat with each other over a nice meal.

Time for me to sleep as I am down with fever once again and sinus. I can't seem to recover from flu, cough and fever. What the hell! My work is so hectic. Every morning is a rush and I never have had any time to have breakfast peacefully. It's always breakfast while rushing through news monitoring. At first, colleagues thought that I was exaggerating. Then, they realize that I am not kidding. My boss is kind. She is trying to reduce my workload. It's worse today with many releases to be uploaded on Internet which requires writing HTML which I have got no knowledge. Forsee OT again. It's going to be a Monday black. My last Thursday and Friday were really bad. I felt like camping there on last Thursday. I could not even have proper lunch on Friday. Both my Xiao Di and I got very stressed out. My manager even laughed at me as I looked really stressed out on last Friday. Imagine you have to squeeze a day's work into half day. I have to double my speed, depending on caffeine to speed up my work. I did not even have time to get medicine for my lungs as I was down with fever and bad cough on Thursday after work. I only have time to die but no time to get sick. I am very tired on top of the misery I have inside. God, please help me! Where are you?

With fatigue,
Elena

Time to take up Photography again as part of my meditation?

This week is really crazy. My MC on Monday caused to work doubly hard. It was also partly due to our General Assembly which ate ½ of y day today. Really bad timing as there are several releases to be uploaded to Internet which requires me to write some HTML which is foreign to me. So, I spent a lot of time talking to myself and doing it. I am totally drained now. Here, I am, sitting at a café with my root beer float and waffles at Orchard Cineleisure, waiting for a show to start as a refuge for me to hide away from the crowd.

I went for a photography talk at the Arts House on last Saturday. It was quite insightful. This photographer specialized in taking portraits. He takes photographs of people. He likes to take close up pictures which won him several awards. His tips for photography captured my attention. He talked about engaging all our senses when taking good photos. I do agree with him. In fact, I think that photography can serve as a kind of meditation for me to immerse with the nature and people. I always believe that when I take any photos, I am taking the ‘souls’ of the things and people. It was interesting that this photographer focuses on the eyes of the people. They are the windows to the soul of a person. I absolutely raise both my hands to it To me, the eyes tell more than any words from a person at times.

The photographer wrapped up the talk with giving thanks to God as He is the Creator. I was quite surprised by such statement coming from a professional photography talk. He is right by wrapping it up with that. Without a thanksgiving heart, we can never appreciate things and people in our lives no matter how beautiful they are. We will only take things for granted and abuse them in some ways. One way to appreciate the glimmer of the beauty of the magnificent God is through His creation. And, photography definitely has its purpose of allowing to slow our pace down, getting engaged with the people and nature through our five senses, being one with God through His creation.

I think I need to pick up photography again. I used to go for a basic course. However, I forget the techniques as I have not used the professional DSLR camera for years. I have returned what I have learnt to the instructor. Nowadays, my workload may be heavy. If not, my morning daily will always be a rush. All my colleagues know that I get very stressed out every morning as my job requires speed. Sometimes, at the high speed I go about at work, I would not be surprised I am speeding myself to hell. Sometimes, other colleagues thought that I was impatient waiting for my turn to wash my mug and water flask. After talking to me, they realized that the nature of my work is such that I have to finish my news monitoring at certain time daily in the morning. It’s even worse at times with more urgent things coming in. I have to work doubly hard clearing the more urgent tasks on top of the  news monitoring. My boss is quite kind. She is trying to look for ways to reduce the intensity of my news monitoring daily. Most people would always look forward to Friday as it means the beginning of weekend. For me, it is not so. It is always my peak period as I need to consolidate and summarize the news and updates from various sources into two separate emails to be sent to all staff in Singapore and all PR PICs in the Asia Pacific region respectively at the end of the day. I simply have got no luxury to slow down and have a proper breakfast, Breakfast is just for me to have food into my stomach to sustain my speed at work. There is no enjoyment at all. I always admire people who have time to go out to cafes and enjoy nice chat over  a nice breakfast with their loved ones and friends. Sometimes, I don’t even have appetite for my dinner as I am too drained. I can go without food. But once I don’t have enough sleep, I will get all cranky and fall sick very easily.

My manager was quite bad this morning. She just looked at me and laughed. She told me I looked very stressed out. Yes, I was really very stressed out as I only had half a day to prepare my Weekly Updates on top of the news monitoring. I depended on caffeine for my speed. Monday is going to be worse with more releases to be uploaded by morning. HTML again! Who is that idiot who created HTML? I am dying from it. I am grateful to have my boss. I am supposed to be her assistant and yet she seldom asked me to assist her in her travel arrangement. Even my manager was quite shocked by it. I understand why. She knows that I am overloaded at times. For the past few days, she has been asking me not to stay too late. I also have no choice. If given a choice, I would want to go home early. I know it silly that I stay back for nothing without AWS, bonus and some benefits as a contract staff while other people have. But, I cannot stand it if I produce half past six results. I am a perfectionist and all my colleagues and boss know. They keep asking me not to be too hard on myself. I am trying not to be too hard but I keep forgetting it once I am into my work. My Xiao Di is damn funny lah. Both od us tend to stay very late to clear work and he keeps nagging me to go home and rest. Sometimes, when I cough very badly, I could hear him exclaim, ‘Aiyo!’ My Uncle Ted in our department also keeps asking me not to set my standard so high that it affects my health. My health is giving me signal to slow down. My cough and fever came back again last night. Managed to press it down with ginger boiled with brown sugar and cough syrup. Uncle Ted is down with bad lung infection. Xiao Di and I got the same cough as Uncle Ted but our cough is not as serious as Uncle Ted's. Ok, time to slow down.

I have just known a brother. He is in RCIA. He is my vendor for printing bags and diary cases. We will always chat with each other after our business talks. We divide business and personal matters very clearly and he knows my high standard of work. Very funny He told me I gave him a lot of stress when it comes to business. When it comes to personal matters, he would cheer me up and advise me. We address each other as brother and sister. I enjoy this friendship. He suggested we go Bangkok next month. I agreed but don’t know it will materializes he seems fickle minded. The strange thing is that we know each other for less than 3 months and yet we share a lot of our ups and downs together. We are pen about our past. He also shared about the naughty things he had done in the past and his past hurt. I really appreciate that. He also shares my share of sorrow now. I really appreciate his care and effort in cheering me up. He is damn Ah Beng but smart and witty. If he really plans for the Bangkok trip, I will just go with him. It should be fun as he seems familiar with that place and he wants to bring me to various places. My Xiao Di was quite shocked when he heard I may be going overseas with this brother of mine. My boss and manager teased me that he might be my ‘soulmate’. For me, I do not think much. I just want to enjoy this friendship. That crazy guy was even hurraying about us having the same heart condition. Stupid lo. I even asked him if he wanted to pop a champagne celebrating it. He is really interesting.

Ok, got to go. Movie’s going to start soon.  I better rest early tonight as I am planning to start training myself for JP Morgan competitive run. It is my first competitive run. I have promised a sickly friend that I would carry him in my prayers for this run. I better prepare myself by starting my run tomorrow. Have a great weekend ahead!

With Love,

Elena

How long can I go on in this Purgatory on earth?

Really hate it whenever there is haze in Singapore. Have to take sick leave without MC today just to get proper sleep as I could not sleep last night. The burning smell was very strong and I thought some electrical appliances were burning in my house. But, there wasn’t. I think should be due to the haze. It was so bad that I couldn't breathe properly and my heart problem came back. Each breath became challenging. How to go for work today when I only managed to sleep at 3plus in the morning?  So, here I am at Starbucks trying to clear some work and catch up with my studies though I am still not feeling quite well. Haze, haze, go away. Please don’t come back.

Don’t know what has happening to my department. We take turns to fall sick since the beginning of the year. My boss asked me why. I explained to her most of us are down with bad cough. One of my colleagues is diagnosed with suspected pneumonia this morning. I am quite scared as I have been down with bad cough with fever on and off and my immune system tends to be weak. I got my first bronchitis from the public. I am quite concerned about my colleague as he has other health condition and I hope he will be fine. He is damn cute. Both our health are the worst in the department. I am grateful that he will keep on reminding me not to set my standard so high for my work that it affects my health. I do appreciate such reminder as I tend to forget about my heath when it comes to work. Some colleagues around us would laugh at us as he would talk to me as f he were my grandfather. And, I will nag at him at times when he keeps munching on unhealthy snacks or still want to go on business trips when he is already unwell.

It’s quite nice to be in this department. My boss talks to me like a mum at times. She will remind me not to waste money and saves up for my US holidays at the end of the year. She will also remind me of certain things in my personal life to keep myself open to relationships. It’s like she can’t wait to marry me off. My Xiao Di (younger brother) is also quite cute. When I get too busy, he will take over some of my tasks without telling me. I really appreciate that. Sometimes, I wonder if I am the administrative support or him. His rank is higher than mine. I tend to be very careless when it comes to unimportant paperwork. He will remind me and even print my form for me and place it right on my desk. We all laughed at him and wondered if he has become my personal assistant when his rank is higher than mine. At work, I respect him and take order from him. Outside work, I am his senior and advise him on personal matters. My other manager is two years younger than me. We will share things about recreation and travelling. She surely has a lot of lobang. There is another Xiao Di. He tends to be quiet and disappear from his desk most of the time but really nice to work with.

It is interesting to work in this team. All of us are very different. It’s amazing that we come together just like a small family. All of us are Christians. We do share about our personal lives outside office hours and they are open about their brokenness at times. My boss is a very balanced person. From her, I learn that a leader is very important. It determines the dynamic of the group. I really admire her leadership. She is smart and fast and yet sincere and humble. She is willing to apologize when necessary. There was one occasion when I got bullied and she was not around. She apologized to me for not being there to protect me. I was quite touched. She would also make the efforts to have lunch with us monthly. If not, fortnightly. She would celebrate our birthdays at her expense. I enjoy working with my team.

My contract is ending in end April. I am not sure if she will renew my contract. I am also not sure if I should stay since I do not have certain benefits and AWS and bonus. To be practical, most of us work for money. Besides, I have hit the highest level in terms of administrative support No more promotion for me. I am not sure what else I can look forward to I my career. If I stay, the only thing is because I have a good team to work with and I still have a lot to learn from them. I am not sure. If not, my plan will be career training in US. Is it abit too early for that as I have not really saved up enough money? I am not sure where I should go. I definitely know that I am not a good follower and I have been trying to fit into that role for years. Every person has been telling me I am not a follower. They see me as a business person with my own business. But, what can I do with such low qualification coming from a poor family without much support from home since young? For the sake of money, I have to swallow it and fit into roles that I am not.  

This period of time is tough for me. My health suffers. Sometimes, I find my waking hours painful. I miss my friend who is fighting against his illness. If you think he is my lover, he is not. It’s just that he has held an important place in my heart. He refuses to see me. I have got no ideas what he is thinking. Maybe, some of my friends are right. He has forgotten me and just wants to move on without me. Those people around him are enough to keep him going. I am not even in his list of things and people for his time. But, I can’t help it that I miss him and keep wondering how he is now. I also find it rather strange that why I am still so concerned even after years of not contacting him. What does God want from me? Why do I have to know his condition despite my attempts to keep myself out of his business as he was doing very well overseas? What’s the point of me knowing as he has shut me out of my life? Isn’t my life tough enough? Why add more misery? If the purpose is to spend his remaining time with him, I am willing and glad to go through thick and thin with him and I find it beautiful to do that. But, it is not, He has shut his doors to me. Do you know the pain and suffering of seeing your loved one sick and yet you are not even allowed to see him at all? Then, why let me know?

Sometimes, I think God is fooling me. When ‘mummy’ was dying, all her students and teachers who were not close to her got to see her for the last time before she died. It’s rather an irony that being the closest to her among all the students and teachers, I did not see her at all. In fact, her spouse kept it away from me to protect me from getting too sad. Such good intention backfired for me and I became very remorseful and I suffered from complicated grief which wasted my eight years away. Now, the same thing happens.

I rather go through the pain and suffering with him than being kept away. Do you know how painful and torturing it is within me? Other people can care for him openly, be it sincerely or not. For me, I have to bottle it all up. I am feeling the pressure of time pressing me harder as each day passes by. It’s not that I have not tried very hard to break away from him for years. I tried. I can’t means I can’t. n the end, news of him still comes to me. I care means I care. I care as a friend. I find myself cheap that he doesn’t even care a damn thing about me and find my care redundant and I still care so much. I hate myself for turning pale upon receiving the news of his illness. My friend was worried seeing my pale face. Cheap, right?   

I am a downright romantic at heart. I know I am very sensitive and I don’t enjoy it. Some people who are not sensitive do not feel as deep about the same issue as sensitive people. It hurt me right within and I don’t know how to voice out. I just keep on bottling. If not, this blog is the only place where I can let things out. His other friends and supporters can at least come together and go through it with him together. They can support one another. I am all alone, continuing to be misunderstood by them and go through it all alone as if I am a leper. It is holy and out of love for them to care for him but it seems like it is sinful for me to care. What they do for him is out of love but what I do becomes a sin with hidden agenda. Am I really so bad? Then, why does God allow me to exist in this beautiful world? I don't like to be protected away from such thing. I rather go through it all with that person. You may think that you are protecting me from harm or getting hurt. But, I am more hurt and damaged by being kept away. I think it is very beautiful and rich to go through thick and thin with a person. and the pain it entails is no longer pain but part of love. Love hurts. But, how is a person human without love? At least, I won't live in regrets by going through it all with my loved one. Leaving me out only causes me to plunge into depression fast. I don't feel protected. I feel tortured instead. I am worried sick and I am literally sick. 

Can we ever sit down and talk to each other over a nice meal? He will definitely tell me, “Dream on! I don’t waste my time on it. I have much more important things than that and I have many friends and loved ones to spend my time with me. Who are you?” Actually, I do not forgive myself for causing such regrets for the second time. The first one was towards ‘mummy’ where I cut myself off mercilessly from her and could not make it to apologize to her before she died. Now, it’s him. I cut off from him thinking that such a fit person would never fall sick and he was doing well overseas. He has many people flocking to him to support and love him. My care and presence would only disturb him and hinder him from living life to the fullest. I cut him off even though it was torturing me for the past few years as I still care as a friend. He did want to talk to me and give me an answer that he did not want me to forget him when he appeared at the place where we used to jog. I ignored him and he was very upset. I really regret for not spending some time with him as a friend when I could. I thought his life without me would be much better and he would be happy serving with his loved ones and friends around him. Never have I expected him to get such illness. Now, I can’t even see him. I really cannot forgive myself for creating such mess and hurt towards him. He is my victim. What wrong has he done to meet the screwed up me to screw his life up? He will never want to see me. I can only lick my wound till I die. I am trying very hard to live my life as per normal but I can’t.  It’s very painful and lonely inside. I can’t focus. I don’t know how long I can go on like that I am feeling that remorse again. Yes, I created it and I am punished for that. I deserve it. There is no turning back.

With misery,

Elena