Have been suffering from insomnia. I am dead tired now. Somehow, the more I am in the corporate world, the more I am sick of the world. This scholar continues to disgust me with his behaviour. Can you believe it or not? He did not set any IT budget aside for the purchase od hardwares and softwares for this financial year. As usual, as I have taken over the role of an IT coordinator, I have been clearing his shit. Now, I am in the midst of writing paper to get funds for a printer. I have got no funds to draw from. Thanks to him again. This is one of the scholars we have groomed. Now, he is asking me to put on hold the paper for him to think of a way to cover his mistake. I wonder what he has been doing in the office. He seems to be sleepiing on things. Only things that can be shown to our RO, then he works very hard on them. What the heck! I have totally lost my respect for him. Instead of covering his backside again and again, why can't he just be a man to admit his mistakes? He is still busy covering up his mistakes. This afternoon, we will be going to Marina Keppel Bay for site visit. Sian ar...He is going to take one hour to ask silly questions which will normally require only half an hour visit. With so many things happening in my private life, I simply have no energy to play politics with him. At first, he thought that by handingover the IT coordinator role to me he can shirk his responsibilty and mistakes. Who knows I am not an easy person to deal with? If not for my job to be done properly, I am also lazy to point his mistakes out.
People are self centered afterall. When I first joined the workforce, my teacher taught me to be more merciless as people in the world are not going to be merciful. After working for so long in the corporate world and church, it is true. People are broken no matter what, especially the ones in church. Most people will use in the name of this, that and God to justify their actions and words. It is good that they still know what goodness is and they want to be seen as good. But, the method they have used is self centered. They like to coop themselves up in the small box and show their 'holiness' within the box. If you throw them into teh corporate world, I doubt they can survive. To a large extent, I do pity them in staying within that box, sucking up to leaders. Worse still, some leaders are swayed by them to do what please them instead of what please God. I am not just speaking within local context but also extenting to global one. If Catholic is confined within a box, Catholic has lost its meaning as it means universal. That also means God is for all people. Love is for everyone. Sadly to say, in the midst of hidden agenda and self centeredness, some people use their intelligence to distort what is holy for their own benefits.
It also set me to think if celibacy is still applicable for this modern world. Look at the sexual abuses in the some countries. I am not saying that celibacy is no longer valid. I am just questioning. I ever had this priest who encouraged us to probe into certain things with critical thinking, including this topic. Priests did not have to practise celibacy until certain events took place and the rules changed. It set me thinking if rules were created by human beings due to self centered benefits or the teachings have not been reviewed at all and people stubbornly stick to what no loonger works, resulting in all sorts of sins manifested. Most Catholic teaching should not be changed as they are applicable across all generations. Well, I am just questioning. I believe God will work wonders. I definitely am sick of the dark side of things that I get out. With that little faith of mine, if I continue to stay there, I am scared I may end up like these people as I am just as equally broken. I really need someone of strong faith to guide me. Sad to say, I can't find any.
Thisn are not black and white. They are often an overlay of both. Without wisdom and discernment, one can easily mistake good for bad and vice versa. Sometimes, I am also confused. But, it is never too late to realize it and change for the better. I am glad that I am out of certain situation. Though I may embark on a journey which the church will never agree, I rather give it a try. Staying in church will be a problem to me. I am still thinking if I should go back after someone has left for years. When he comes back, I will leave again. At least, I still have a few full solid years in church. I just do not want the people around me to disturb me. I do not hate him. But, if I really want to serve, I serve with my heart. I really hope that I have a chance to stay overseas. I will definitely go to church. Spending time with God in church is my priviledge. Some people in poor countries do not even have churches to go to no matter how much they yearn for it. I really hope to start anew overseas based on my situation now. Actually, I have been yearning to stay overseas since 20 years old. I really need a new start. I can't stand the living style here. I get very stressed out. I do not even have much needed time to think things through. Now, suffering from insomnia and losing appetite. See how. I really hope that that scholar will not stretch my limit so much that I snap at him. Jesus, I need you. Please hold me tight.
With Love,
Elena
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