Time for some self reflection through writing for clarity of
mind. Personally, I always believe that when I verbalize or pen down my
thoughts, I become clearer about what my mind is pondering on. It is always a healthy habit for me to sit
down quietly from time to time for self review and what has been happening
since the last self reflection. My schedule has been quite busy at work and with
my personal life with major decision made. During this period of time, one word
stands out. Guess what it is? It is ‘gratitude’. I am very grateful for the
various people and blessings in my life.
I guess my body and sun can never be friends. I suspect I
was having heatstroke on last Friday. I was under the sun for too long and the
heat in the car under the sun had caused me to fall very sick. Yes, my health
continues to be my greatest cross in my life since I seem to be sensitive to
temperature, smell, noise and even light. I enjoy the sun a lot. But, I can
never enjoy under the sun for too long which most people can enjoy without
worries. I was out under the sun for hours due to some activities. In the late
afternoon, the side effect came. I had a terrible headache and puked a lot. I
had no idea what the hell I had puked. I couldn’t really talk nor walk much. I
guess that was heatstroke as my migraine medication failed on me. I was very
touched by my boss’ gesture of kindness. In my muddled state, I overheard her
talking over the phone about some urgent work matters that she had to attend to
immediately and she had to hurry home. But, she did not dump me at the place.
Instead of dumping me to my colleague to get a cab home, she drove me back. She
even carried my heavy bag for me. I saw humility as my boss in her. That was
what I deem as servitude in her leadership. Last night, she even smsed me to
see if I was fine. I apologized to her for the trouble and making her rushing
around. She just replied I did not have to apologize and it was more important
that I was fine. I am very grateful to have such a considerate boss. I was
quite touched by those words. I have learnt from her what Christ centred
leadership is all about. Her kind behavior and gesture show it all. She is
indeed a responsible person. The reason why I still stay in my organization is
I still have a lot to learn from her as a Christian and an employee. Somehow, I
feel at times that she is just like a mother though our age gap is not that
great. But, I draw a very clear line between personal and work space. I know
she is a very private and professional person. So, with her, I deal with only professional
matters with her during office hours and I am very careful with showing concern
for her as a friend after office hours. I also make sure I do not discuss her
personal matters with colleagues. I respect that fine line and her personal
space. We do have our misunderstandings at times and she will still be honest
and impartial in my room for improvement at work. Sometimes, her words are
quite difficult to stomach during reviews but I like her honesty. We will just
be clear in our communication and clarify any misunderstandings between us and
continue to improve in our areas. Everyone has his own flaws. I am not perfect
too. Just be more understanding and forgiving. I am still very grateful for
such a considerate boss after being abused by various bosses for more than a
decade. The only way I can help her is try not to break rules at work and to
assist her the best I can.
My brother is another person whom I feel grateful towards.
He has shouldered full responsibility of the family and kept asking me not to
worry about the family which has always been my biggest issue. He would do nice
things like buying food for me, coming up with hard earned money for the
gathering. Though my brother, I have never taken for granted for all the things
he has done. I have talked to many people and their brothers do not even care a
damn thing about their families at all. The only thing about my brother is I
hope he will get a good job where he does not suffer from any side effects of
the chemical he has been coming into contact with daily. It’s quite worrying
how long he can continue to endure such side effects just because he has to
keep providing for the family where some people simply do not care. I have been
staying indoor since last Friday to avoid the sun. Sometimes, I have to draw
the curtain from the glaring sunlight. He was nice enough to buy me Big
Breakfast from MacDonald as I cannot get out of the house. It’s not his job to
get food for me and yet he was kind enough to get me my food without me asking
for it. If not, I could just cook some instant noodle just to fill my stomach. I
know everyone is tired and has his own stress. I try not to trouble other
people to do things for me just because I am sick.
I have made a major decision in my life on 16 October 2014.
That was the day when I had my first appointment with Housing Development Board
(HDB) to select my flat unit. I should say that was very exciting. I liked the
uncertainty, especially when watching the big screen at HDB hub to see which
units were in red (taken up) and which were in blue (still available). It was
akin to seeing shares in stock market.
Most applicants around me were families
or couples. I think I was the only single which was kind of strange. I have to
thank the housing experts from my department in my office. Three of us are
applying for flats. Two of them are getting married respectively while I am
applying for flat under Singles Scheme. I have to admit I really suck at administration
(though ironically, I am a support staff for my PR division.). I had to keep
checking with my two colleagues about the details to look out for and what
documents to be brought with me for my first appointment as I was totally lost.
The timing was all right and I believe it is meant to be in God’s time. My
appointment with HDB was at 7pm which I did not have to waste my leave. All my
documents were organized with the advice from the housing experts and they even
taught me which flat units to select. Most of the time, I am clueless about
what I like but I know clearly what I do not like. My housing experts asked me
questions about what I did not like and we eliminated those flat units down to
the ones I should select.
God works in a very creative way. My queue number was 204. That
meant 203 people before me got to select the flat units first. At first, I was
disappointed with all my preferred bigger 2-room flat units selected by those
people before me. I focused too much on the size of the flat over my subconscious
desires. I only got to check the available units for my selection just a few
hours before my appointment with my colleague nagging at me to check the
availability of flat units online since I left it all to God. No point checking
daily since I have got no control over other people’s selection. Only then, I
read the site plan and unit layout with my colleague carefully. Then, I discovered
that my preferred bigger units were all facing the expressway which I would not
select since it would be noisy and the house would be easily dusty. Those
remaining units were at lower floors or facing the carpark which would pose
health hazards to me with more insects getting into the house or harmful gases
emitted from the cars from the carpark which is going to be 7th
storey high attacking my respiratory system. Ultimately, only when I was forced
to look at the available smaller 2-room units and study them carefully, I
noticed those units were my desired units. The unit I have chosen in the end
comes with the kitchen facing the waterway (literally, a drain la. Lol) with my
bedroom and living room facing the garden. Nice view to my surprise. It is
located at Level 16 with no flats blocking my view. From my selection of flat
unit, my conviction of prayers work wonders is even stronger. I have been
praying for my selection of flat unit and leave it all to Him without thinking
much. He even sends people like my boss who is a Christian to remind me to
leave it all to God, especially when I was disappointed with all my preferred bigger
flat units all taken up. I am happy with the flat unit I have selected. Now, I
am waiting for my second appointment with HDB to sign all the financial
documents. Meanwhile, I find pleasure in looking at all the interior designs of
houses and doing research on how to look out for defects when I get my flat. One
of my friends even offered to help me look for defects when I get my flat. The estimated
possession of my flat is in October 2018. I am going to fulfill my dream of
owning my own home. It is the biggest asset I am going to own so far.
Of course, it sounds rosy that I am having my own house
finally. It does come with burden and responsibility. The flat units under Singles
Scheme cost $15K more than under other Schemes. This means that I had signed a
document to accept this payment of additional of $15K. If I get married in the
future, I have to declare my marital status to HDB to have this $15K reimbursed
to me. This is HDB’s way of discouraging singles to apply for flats. Singles
can only apply for 2-room flats under Build-To-Order (BTO) scheme and only 30%
of the 2-room flat units go to the singles. I should say that I have struck
lottery for this. 2,941 people had
applied for the 2-room flats in Punggol and only 421 2-room flat units are
available for selection from two areas of Punggol. My desired area only has 117
2-room units for selection and my number is 204. My probability of selecting a
flat unit from my desired Punggol area is nil. I should really thank God for
blessing me this unit.
This new flat is a new start for me. I am starting from
scratch. By the time I get my flat, I would have hit 40. I have to make sure I
stay employed to manage the monthly HDB loan and running expenses which I am
not confident of judging from my current situation. Married people will at
least have their spouses to fall back on if they are unemployed and the
probability of both parties unemployed is very low. For me, once I am
unemployed, I have nothing to fall back on. I am literally on my own. But, no
pain, no gain. I have to start somewhere. I cannot keep staying under someone’s
roof within my comfort zone. The current house is my brother’s. He has been
servicing the loan. I feel very uncomfortable living off other people. With me
moving out, he can rent out my room for extra income and he doesn’t have to
work so hard. Giving more money directly from my pay will only encourage
wastage and taking things for granted in my family. The only way is to move out
and let them earn passive income from the rental fees so that they will feel the
pinch each time they waste their passive income out of the monthly rental fees.
I know I cannot change certain bad habits of others. The only thing I can do is
not to continue such bad habits of others. My house is my only asset for my
retirement. It’s time to be independent. I really need a proper place for peace
and rest. I am aware I have to take care of myself even if I am sick. Sooner or
later, that will happen. Might as well get used to it now. It’s a tough and
lonely path. It’s either I sink or swim by myself. But, I trust that God will
take care of me and I take this risk.
After getting my flat, marriage will be out of my mind. Many
people asked me by getting the flat, whether it would mean that I will stay
single for the rest of my life. Some old folks died alone in their flats and
neighbours got to know their deaths after a few days. Am I not worried about
it? What is my take for this? My reply is it is a bonus to get married. Of
course, I will prefer to have a lifelong companion to walk through life’s
adventure with me. If it is not God’s will, I will not die from loneliness. I
can always continue with my wanderlust life, travelling around the world and
picking up hobbies and making friends along the way. Anyway, I have always
found romantic matters very complex and too intense for me to handle. I also do
not like people to control me in any ways. I need personal space and freedom
more than anything else. I also admit I am a pretty difficult person to live
with especially with my eccentricity which most people cannot accept and tend
to misunderstand me most of the time which I no longer bother to explain much. Maybe,
I am better off staying single. Who knows? I leave it to God. When the time
comes, my Mr Weird Right who is generous enough to and can accept and love me
as who I am will appear if I am called to marriage. I will never ever stoop
myself so low just to please someone I like to get rid of my loneliness. That
is a sure way to doom for both the other party and me. I am a very practical
person. I don’t believe in wasting energy, money and time in wedding with
someone just to get rid of loneliness and general social perception of me being
abnormal at being single at my age and then things do not work out and I have
to spend more energy, money and time plus agony to go through divorce. Life is
too short for such things, man. God has His way of creativity. Though I am not
pretty nor smart nor rich nor capable nor with good character according to
worldly standards, I am quite surprised there were people who showed interest
in me. It also puzzles me till now what they saw in me and they were very nice
people and I had fun with them. I know the chance of me having boyfriend
diminishes as I age, not to mention about getting married. Just let it be. I am confident of God’s blessing in this aspect.
I am looking forward to my new life of owning my own flat. I
am very grateful for all the people and blessings in my life though I still
have my own share of agony and crosses. Just like what my boss has reminded
from time to time, there are small miracles daily and I should give thanks for
such miracles as simple as good weather, transportation from place to place,
etc.. I should not just look forward to my new flat for miracle to lose sight
of the small miracles daily. What God has taught me during this period of time
is Gratitude. Only people with gratitude will be truly contented with
simplicity and appreciate every small miracle in our daily lives. Gratitude
requires humility and never allows space for pride and jealousy since to be
grateful, one cannot be so full of himself and put himself above others that he
thinks he is entitled to all the miracles which, in actual fact, do not have to
be earned but are small gifts from God. When people have something which he
does not have, he will not be jealous as he is contented with what he has with
gratitude. Instead, he is happy for them to have what he has not and gives them
his blessings. Only a person who is humble will understand and appreciate The
One greater than him and what he has are all blessings from God. Gratitude seems
simple, and yet difficult due to pride and jealousy, especially when things do
not go our ways. That is why taking some time each day for thanksgiving to God
for the things that happen daily serves as a reminder that there is the Greater
Him than me who takes care of me and all things that happen are blessings from
Him. Things can be as simple as nice weather, treat or advice from someone,
reaching home safely each day, your spouse or loved one beside you or even as
simple as waking up daily are worth giving thanks for. This, in turn, will also
mould our minds that all things are in His Hands. When major issues hit us, we
will not be too hopeless to lose sight of that glimmer of light in the darkness
since we have been reminded ourselves through our daily thanksgiving to Him that
all things are in His Hands. So, what are the things you can give thanks for
daily?
With Love,
Elena
