A Meaningful Saturday with the Lord

In the midst of agony, disappointment and fatigue, I have spent a meaningful Saturday with the Lord. I was very angry with my family members as they argued over money at 5am plus in the last morning. Bloody hell! Is life all about money that you had to argue so loud that I had to wake up? I simply woke up and told them off. Since I had already woken up, I decided to go for a jog at the stadium instead of cooping myself with these people. All they want is to squeeze money, money and more money from us. I wonder why they have the cheek to want to squeeze more money from us beyond our earnings and yet they refused to plan and invest in us when we were studying. I really give up hope on them. I can only pray to God for God to change their hearts and help them set priority right on Love. I hope they will learn to love without conditions.


I am also disappointed with someone whom I love. He can continue to escape facing certain issues for the rest of his life in the name of this, that and that and even holiness. I really hope to see him for the last time to have a closure. Somehow, when I muster up much courage and am ready to have a closure with him by seeing him for the last time before he leaves my life completely, I do not see him. OK, I have already been honest with my feelings towards him. He can continue to escape for all I care. He can continue to survive on praises, superficial relationships with others, dependent on others for survival so that he does not have to slog, flirting around and accompanying women day and night, singing to them, etc. Hopefully, in the future, he will not complain again that he is lonely and he will not hurt other women and use them as his instruments for his loneliness and ego boost. On my part, I have been honest with him. It takes a lot of courage for me to be honest with him about my feelings as I have to take high risk of getting insulted by him and betrayed by him again. If he has decided this is the kind of life he wants to continue, so be it. I give him all my blessings. I hope that he will not have unspoken words, unexpressed feelings and unheld hands when it is time for him to meet the Lord.

I went for a jog in the last morning. It was time well spent. I sweat all the stress out. It was a breezy nice weather. After jogging, I decided to sit near the field to enjoy God’s breeze of Love sweeping across my face. I did some meditation there. It was so therapeutic. When I looked at the magnificent sky, it only reminds me of God’s infinite mercy and generosity towards all of us. It is never ending and my eyes can only see part of the sky as much as my eyes allow me to. Then, I went to Starbucks for reading up. Currently, I am reading a book on Art Therapy. The topics I was reading this morning were the artwork done and the art therapy sessions with suicidal people. It helped me to gain insight into suicidal people and I believe I am better equipped to advise people who are suicidal in the future. I tend to bump into all sorts of people in my life. Some of them are suicidal. They may ask me for advice. So, it is good for me to learn more about such topics so that I can help them if they approach me. I am still halfway through patients with Schizophrenia. I have a relative who is suffering from it. She got it when she was in her late teens. I really sympathise with her and yet there is nothing for me to do to help her. I hope to learn more about it so that I can understand her better. I have always loved the brains and psychology of people. Don’t ask me why. I am just very fascinated by such subjects. My morning spent was educational and therapeutic one.

I was supposed to volunteer at the Singapore Deaf Association with a friend in the afternoon after my jog. I wanted to rot at home and back out going for it as I was feeling bad inside with things going through my mind about that person whom I love. Somehow, there was a prompting to ask me to go for it. So, at noon, I changed and went for the event. It was a meaningful event. I met Christ through the helpers and the deaf people. I was helping out with the preparation for the Charity Walk for fundraising for the deaf. Ever since I left church, I miss working with others in the community for the good of the less fortunate. This charity work was a platform for me to work with the others. It was collaborative efforts with a few schools, polytechnics, companies and volunteers from the Singapore Deaf Association and the deaf people. It was a beautiful experience where the normal and the deaf people came together to make this event a successful one. Though I did not know the students from the polytechnic, we worked together to pack the goodie bags for the participants. Then, I helped out at the deaf client registration counter. I could not understand their sign language and had to ask my friend to translate it to me most of the time. Generally, I am glad that I managed to help the deaf people to get registered for the walk. Though I did not understand their sign language, I felt honoured to work with them. All of us did our parts to make this event successful. Hopefully, they have raised the necessary funds for the Association.

After the registration at the Association, we proceeded to the Big Splash along East Coast beach which was the ending point for the walk and helped to distribute dinner to volunteers and free gifts to the kids. The students and companies set up a few stalls for the mini carnival. Though nothing fantastic, it was a pleasant experience that we came together as different parts of Christ with our own talents to raise funds for the Deaf Association. I see Christ in everyone, including the deaf. Yes, even the deaf. Though handicapped in some ways, they have shown me they are just as capable as anyone of us in contributing to the society. Nobody is too useless and worthless to God for any contribution to the society. It was a nice weather. At 8pm plus just now, my friend and I went to sit along the beach. It was nice and breezy. My friend and I shared about ourselves. I got to know her better. It was nice of her to treat me to dinner and invited me to help out for this event. She was Christ to me. Maybe, Jesus knows what I am going through within me and he wants me to rest and relax through such relaxing experience along the beach since the sea never fails to help me to relax. I thank my friend for being Christ walking along the beach chatting away with me to the bus stop to go home. I really felt that Christ was walking along with me through my friend. My friend was beautiful because of the kind, loving heart in her for the deaf. She has been helping out at the Association for more than 10 years. She is a smart but humble lady. I see the quality of Christ in her.

I enjoy doing such community work. I really miss the time when I reached out to people with a loved one. We shared the same faith. Each time after the cell group meeting, we would always share our feelings and thoughts with each other. When either of us was unhappy, we would be there to approach each other and encouraged and cheered each other up. We would complement our talents to reach out to the others. Often such collaboration was powerful with our differing gifts and personalities. We did fight at times but we reconciled in the end. It is meaningful to reach out as an individual for the good of others. To me, it is more meaningful and fulfilling and joyful to have a partner to reach out together with me so that when I or he cannot cope, we can pull other up or take over those cases for each other. There is also this intimacy and sharing with depth which an individual cannot have when reaching out alone. Well, the sharing can still be done with friends but to me, it can never be as deep and intimate than sharing with a lover with the same faith. When I pray for a partner, I pray for someone with the same faith and must be stronger in faith than me so that he can lead me as the Adam and we grow together as one. Together, we reach out to the others with our differing gifts and personalities as one and yet we share such intimacy based on the foundation of Love while others benefit from our help out of Love. Such synergy is powerful to have rippling positive effects to transform lives. If I am blessed with a family, I would expect my spouse and my children to serve others out of Love. Even before we reach out to the others, our faith must be strong as a family so that the different gifts out of my family can have powerful synergy and more powerful impact on the society sharing God’s Love with the others.

Ok, I need some quiet time for myself today. I need to come to terms with the harsh reality that I am just an instrument for my loved one’s ego boost. I really hope that he is facing his true self this time and has the courage and love to be himself. I really miss him alot and yet I have told myself not to disturb him. He is leaving soon and yet I can’t do anything about it. I can’t even see him. I can’t even celebrate with him. He is very important to me. When he first came to our camp site early in the morning, I realized he is the only person I feel secure and not sick of seeing his face daily. Not because he is good looking. He gives me a sense of home which nobody has given me before though I enjoy him as a big kid loitering around me at times. I just trust him despite many women around him. Somehow, when I see myself, I see him at times. I do not know what to do with my feelings inside and simply just swallow them. I really pray for a new relationship with a new start, a partner with strong faith, who has the guts to be who he is and honest with his feelings and dares to care for me directly, who loves me as who I am and serves with me for the rest of our lives together and grow as one.  

With Love,
Elena

Ready for a new relationship

Just come back from the lunchtime mass. It was a peaceful mass though my mind drifted to somewhere as usual. Generally, I was feeling peaceful. It was a priest from India. Somehow, when he was pronouncing "Martha', it sounded like 'Prata'. Maybe, I was hungry after having diarrhoea from having MacDonald breakfast. Maybe, it was due to my weak stomach again. Anyway, I thought it sounded funny coming from an Indian priest. Somehow, I was imagining him giving out prata as the host. Ok, there goes my wild imagination again. This time round, I am no longer upset over not being able to receive communion. I just enjoyed the mass.

Things are going whirlwind in my department with more projects coming up. I just do not understand why drastic changes always come in when I join any organizations or even churches. Till now, I am facing drastic changes which my colleagues have never faced before even though they have worked here for so many years. As usual, I am swimming in the sea of changes and confusion. Officially handling budget now. I am scratching my head where to get the funds for the projects and items. For some items, my predecessor did not set any budget aside for this financial year. I need to purchase something as instructed by the monster. Die liao. No money for it. It really pisses me off that I am still clearing his mess. I wonder if he has been sleeping in the office. Since I took over from him this role, my life has not been easy because he simply brushes things aside as much as he can. Only when he is in front of our team leaders and colleagues, he will seem to work hard. Faint ar!!!

Can sense that certain connection has been cut off clean. I can move on with ease liao. Really hope to start anew. I have even left my church group in facebook. I do not see the point of certain things are shared among the 'elite' members when all of us are in the same church group. This only causes divisions. I guess most probably, what they share is something to do with him again. Other than him, I do not think why they have to be so secretive about things. I am sick of such secrets. This is crazy. It is just like fans club crazy over an authority. Well, they can continue with such ways of communication. I doubt they can go far in life as they choose people to mingle and share with. Then, I guess Jesus should have died with influential people instead.

As for the particular connection that I can sense being cut off clean, I am also glad that it is cut as he does not have the gut to face himself. He can continue with his life drifting from one person to another. He can justify and prove to others all that he wants. I am not interested anymore. All I can do is to give him all my blessings. I have already done all that I can to help him liao. He is leaving soon. Good for the both of us. At least, for few soild years, I do not see him at all. Easier for me to put him behind me. Anyway, I think by the time he comes back, I would have left my current job where one of his fans is working. When he comes back, he will definitely look for those fans who are supporting or sponsoring him in any ways. I will never know where he is or if he comes back or not. He can flock to his fans. Well, that is life. Whether I like it or not, I have to face reality. For the time being, I would not go back to church to avoid seeing him as I would not know if I go to a church and settle down building relationships and friendships. Then, when he comes back, he goes to my parish and I will see him there. I better stay out completely. I always seem to bump into him no matter where I go. I do not hate him. I just hope that I will be out of his life completely after he has come back. He needs a new life without me in it anymore.

He has taught me precious lessons. One of them is people are self centered no matter how holy they seem to be. It is not really bad. It is very human. It set me to be even more realistic in romantic relationships. Nobody will give up everything such as fame, popularity, status, self image, material wants, comfort, etc. for love. Perhaps, such love can only be found during my parents'era.  When it comes to romantic relationships, I will throw all fantasy away and be rational about it. Maybe, from this incident, God is teaching me to protect myself from any guys who use their charm to attract women for their ego boost and use women as instruments to fill their loneliness.

The second lesson I have learnt is the man who does not have the guts to own his feelings and actions and yet still tries to lead the women on is bascially insecure deep within. He is not serious about relationship. Normally, when things happen, he is the first person to escape. So, throughout his life, you will realize that he escapes when anything bad is happening. He will never grow. So what if he keeps on hinting how much he loves you? These are just words and words are cheap. I will never respect such a person as he is going to be a coward for the rest of his life. You will see him continuing doing this to other women. Worse still, if the women are stupid enough, they will fight over him. I am very blessed to be out of it. He is never a suitable person to be a spouse as he will leave me in the lurch if I fall sick or disfigured or anything bad were to happen in the marriage. I rather face the true colours of this person now than discovering it after we are married and filing for divorce.

The third lesson I have learnt is I deserve to be loved. Yes, in this particular relationship, I know I am silly to give up so much that I am misunderstood by many people. I never blame him as I do it willingly. I hope he will not do the same thing to another women. If the woman happens to be very vulnerable, she will kill herself because of him, not because he is so charming that she wants to die for him but all the woman needs is last stroke from anyone to kill her. I am glad to realize that I stay strong despite hell under him. If he does not love me, it does not mean that I am lousy or bad. I will take it as he does not know how to appreciate me. There is no big deal. I do not have to base my worth on how he sees me or if he loves me or not. I am just not his type. I should be glad that I discover it now. If not, I will suffer misery if I marry him. I really hope that he will stop what he is doing to the other women before things are gtting out of hands and a woman finally kills herself.

I am looking forward to having a new start with a new relationship if God really blesses me with a spouse. Not desperate for a partner lah. I just hope to have proper romantic relationship where the man and I share the same faith in growing together. I am no longer young. I really hope to have my own family and grow in maturity. I am still pretty childish for my age. Though I am not pretty nor smart nor capable, I seem to attract guys which disturb me. I do not know what I have done to give the wrong signals to these people. I really hope such guys like the one that I have just cut myself from will stay away from me and not fool me. I do not have the energy and time for such flirtatious matters.  Over the years, God has been teaching me lessons in this area as this is my weakest area since I tend to be too rational in such things for my own good.

Though I still love him alot and hope to see him for the last time for proper closure, I have not regretted having him in my life. In fact, I love him so much that I am prepared to spend the rest of my life with him if he is willing to give up everything. I guess I got angry last week when I did not see him was because I wanted him to appear and saw him for the last time for closure as the gospel reading on that day was apt for closure. I mustered a lot of courage to be all prepared to cut off from him completely last week. But, who the heck knows he did not appear when I needed him to appear for closure? I really hope that he will grow up and learn to be himself. I hope that he will not hurt other women just like how he has hurt me. Being charming is one thing. How to use it for good use is another. If he is serious about serving in his role, I hope that he will focus on serving with sincerity and love for people. If not, I rather he gets out and stops hurting people. With him, I have grown up alot. At least, through him, I realize how capable I can be in loving. I have grown way beyond my limits with him.I have strecthed myself beyond the limits which I am also surprised.

Now, I really hope that I can love the next person in my romantic relaitonship even better and more in CHrist way. I know I am ready to move on to have a new start in a romantic rellatsionship. All I need to do is God's blessings. Meanwhile, I will drift along in life and continue to serve in areas where I am called to.

With Love,
Elena

Gifts as parts of me as a whole package to be blessings to others

Actually, I am at my peak period at work. I have decided to write something here during my office hour. I know it is wrong. But, I am really sick of my work. I am very unhappy. I work for the sake of my income. I am simply not interested in my work. Yes, my work does indirectly affect the future of Singapore and yet I do not find any fulfillment out of it. I still enjoy people confiding in me and I help them to see things from other angles. I really pray to have a chance to go overseas to study psychology. Why overseas? That is because I am scared of failing my modules in Singapore. I used to study A Level Literature in Singapore. I failed and I simply did not know what they wanted and I found it too technical. When I took my A Level Literature the second time, I improved by two grades discarding what had been taught to me and using my own method. If I brushed up my vocabulary, I had confidence of getting A. But, I was just too lazy to expand my vocabulary lah. Anyway, I know I can fit better into the culture and educational system overseas as my eccecntricity will seem less obvious among so many different people out there.

Have just read through the lives of some saints. I do identify with one of them. The description is similar to what I am feeling and going through now. One thing I share with them is we are all weird. But, I am far from those saints. I am a sinner who have been out of church. I am not angry with anyone. I just cannot fit in no matter how hard I have tried. People just keep on misunderstanding me. Nowadays, I do not even bother to explain. The only person who understands me is Jesus. I do not need anyone to understand me anymore. I do not know how to act nor suck up to authorities. If I act and suck up to authorities, I believe I can be popular and I would have held high position in the organization. Well, I simply can't.

I remember one of my friends was asking God to bless her with one or two specific gifts as if she could command God to do things for her. I got angry and told her off. Ok lah, I know I was harsh lah and I should not. I was just angry that she thought having gifts was fun and she could draw attention to herself. I was just sick of it. I asked her if she was ready to have these gifts which came with responsibility. If gifts not handled properly with strong faith, they become curse to the person who has them. Gifts for all of us are always for the good of others and closer relationships with others and God with the Spirit of Love. Any gifts not practised with the Spirit of Love will turn corrupted with self centeredness and become sins.

Personally, I have gift of knowledge. I have some other gifts which disturb me alot. So, sometimes, people think that I am temperamental, getting moody or angry for nothing when I have been 'seeing' things often that I get so sick. I think my faith is too weak to handle those gifts and I do not know how to use them. I cannot handle them well as I do not have compassion for those people involved. If not, I would not have been wasily agitated or temperamental. The most sickening thing is when I know alot about a particular person, those people thought that I stalk that person when I simply just 'know'. Then, they will force evidence out of me about what I 'know'. Wah lau, how to prove something when it happens only a few months or years later? I am not God leh. Whatever comes with good intentions are distorted by them to be hidden agendas. So sian. Can I not have those gifts? Because of those bloody gifts, the people closest to me thought I am a lesbain. If not, a stalker. I am quite scared. If I were to bump into my future spouse, is he going to think that I am a pervert? It disturbs me alot.

There are certain things that I 'see' and yet I can't reveal. I can only pray and let it happen as I am not meant to intervene with certain matters. If not, when called by God, I will walk with them even if it means I go through hell under them. Of course, I am not treating them as my projects. When I am willing to go through hell under them, I do it with love and I really love them lah. Fortunately, I only get to 'see' things clearly ahead when these people are very close to me. But, trust me. It is bad enough. You feel the person's emotions and the torrents inside even when the person is half a world away from you! Hello, can I not have that? I ever confide in a priest. He told me my gift may save my family in the future. Sometimes, during a prayer meeting, I can also feel how the person being prayed over is feeling inside and I absorb all her negative  feelings like a sponge. If I can't take it, I have to run out of the room before my mind is affected.

I have left a place for months. I could not cope with all the pretension and sucking up to authorities and gossips. I will keep mu mouth shut most of the time. Only when very necessary, I will speak up and tell them off if they carry far too much about those people whom they do not even know personally. It's very tiring when you keep on 'seeing' all the negativities and plots inside them. It was draining me whenever I was there. Call me a Christian with weak faith. I admit it. I was going through it alone in that place and I could not confide in anyone when I 'saw'. It was so 'noisy' that I no longer could hear God's voice that I decided to get out of it all. My gifts turned against me as my faith was saken in that negative environment. I do not think how I can grow healthily with God when I kept on surrounding myself with them who liked to suck up to authorities and hurt others for their own holy images. I believe that other than reaching out to others, I also need a community or people whom I can grow healthily with. However, I could not find people of such in that place. I did not leave with resentment or anger. But, I left because I was losing sight of God and my gifts were turning against me with my shaken faith.

There is something which I realize along my life journey. Sometimes, when we love someone, we focus too much on doing or saying things to impress the loved one that we may forget the simplest things is just to be there with a smile. I have come across people who try to impress their loved ones with their gifts. But, in the midst of being busy to impress them out of love, we may forget that our presence is already a gift. One smile may be enough at times. All gifts that we have are just parts of us. For me, impressing me fails most of the time. The people whom I am very close to are normally people who are always there for me. They do not have to be physically there for me all the times. I can just 'sense' that they are always there no matter how far I drift away. People whom I see daily may not be the ones who are close to me as I 'know' their hearts are not with me. This draws me to I may serve in many minsitries, reaching out to others, is my heart really there with them? If I am there with my true heart, I will never hurt anyone, not even people who serve together with me, so as to reach out with love together. For me, I am in the office daily. But, my heart is not here most of the time. I will still carry out my duties but my heart is somewhere else. I am still thinking of ways to find what I like using my gifts but to no avail. I still have to face the reality of earning my income to support my family and myself no matter how much I cannot fit into my current job. Life is short and yet I have to keep pushing myself to do things which I am bad in for the sake of survival. If I work hard, I have the opportunity to rise up to high position. I am the only executive here who may have the chance to go up to be senior officer with good prospects as I am on a new scheme. MY RO and monster have confidence in my potential. But, deep inside, I know I am not going to find fulfillment within. For the past few years, my position and pay keep on going up. But, I realize that it does not fulfill me deep within. The higher I go, the more emptiness I feel within.

Life is more than that. If I am given a choice, I will study overseas and be a psychologist. I have always found a deep sense of joy studying and helping people directly. Many people have told me I can make a good counselor. Even in some small groups to discuss certain social or psychological or theological issues, I often get positive feedback and I always find a deep sense of fulfillment whenever I can help others to see things form another perspectives and be friends with them. No matter what jobs I have taken up so far, people never fail to confide in me the deep issues within them. Even my student's parent talked to me till 3am afew years ago. I know I do best in those areas but I am lack of the education and skills that I need in order to work in those areas. By studying psychology, I will be better equipped to help others and also myself to handle life's heavy issues. Other than that, I always have a dream of opening an outdoor cafe like the one you see in Rome. I have always loved to eat and chill out at cafe, especially outdoors with friends. I always believe that a dining table and food are meant to bring people to bond with joy together. Too bad. I am just stuck in my family and financial situation for years even till now. I do not blame anyone. Maybe, I am just meant to go through life tough.

The danger of gifts is I may be using them so well that once I am not careful, I place my gifts above God. What do I mean by that? I may use my gifts so well that I may think I am indispensable. In this case, I place myself and gifts above God. This is dangerous as I stay in my confort zone to do what I am good in so much that when God calls me to somewhere else to serve, I refuse to move. Humility is the important ingredient so that I will not be using my gifts to the excess that I lose sight of God and play God. Alwya remeber that even Jesus died with two criminals who were deemed as the lowest in the social class. Even Jesus, as the Son of God, stooped down to the lowest level to show that his gifts and his presence are meant to be gifts of Love to be shared with others. All gifts belong to the Father. We are just the stewards. Nobody is indispensable. If God can groom you to be so successful, He can also raise another leader. Always humble myself and open myself up to listen to where God is leading me to. My gifts are not meant to please people but to share God's love with the others. I get very disgusted when I know that some leaders do what the people say even if they know they are wrong just to please them in the fear that they may lose their support, popularity, attention, etc. That leads to divisions in a commonity and lead others to sin since these people play God to lord over others with the support of these leaders who do things to please them. Sigh! Who is God here?

Ok, enough of my sharing. Time to go back to work. Hurray! Going to do some voluntary work with a friend for the Deaf Association in the afternoon on this Saturday. It has been so many months since I make myself uselful to others. God really listens to my heart as I have been sourcing for places where I can do some voluntary work. So, I am given a chance. Hurray!! Last but not least, anyone whom you think or your heart tells you he/she needs your smile to light up the darkness in him/her? Just be present and smile without attempting to impress or do much. And, appreciate yourself as a gift to him/her as a blessing from God.

With Love,
Elena

Continue to walk the lonely path and never give up...

After so many months, I finally managed to go for a jog this morning. Before I reached the stadium, I was praying that I would be having a peaceful jog with God. I did not see familiar faces. So, I did enjoy that peace. I did not have time to do stretching as the stadium would be closed at 8am for some event. I went straight to the running track. Surprisingly, I managed to jog a few rounds as I have stopped jogging for months. I decided to give myself a challenge. I have health issues that normally hinder me from running the whole 400m of the track. I decided to run the track without stopping for the last lap. Halfway through the run, I had difficulty in breathing and my chest was uncomfortable and my vision was blur as usual. I kept on telling myself I must challenge myself to finish the whole 400m track without stopping no matter what without fainting on the spot. Vision went blur. I continued to ask myself to persevere. I was telling myself that life is just like running on the track. No matter how tough times may be, I have to finish running it no matter what. I can't possibly expect people to carry me if I really can't walk. I have to be strong. I know how I can make it. I broke through today. I finished the whole 400m. I felt a deep sense of satisfaction. However, by the time, I finished running. my vision was very blur and I felt weak. I still managed to walk all the way to NEX for reading up with my blur vision and weak body. Nevertheless, it gives me the confidence that though I may be weak, I must never allow my weak body to be an excuse not to achieve breakthrough. As long as I do not give up, all obstacles and challenges can be overcome. Even if nobody walks with me, I can still walk through this lonely path with God. It no longer matters if other people care. I am not here to please people.

My challenge at work is Ihave to work with this scholar closely. I am sick of facing him. Whenever he comes too near, I deliberately walk away. I am not sure if he is goon doo or what, He still comes near. Sometimes, I do see his hand trying to tuch my colleague to get her moving ahead. I think he does it out of habit. I seriously do not like it. Sometimes, I move away and he keeps coming near. I really find it disgusting. Whenever I see him, he has that look of a self centered and kiasu person. Sometimes, the state of the person within shows on the face. For his, he really has those traits. My RO was very funny. She was sitting opposie me when the scholar asked some funny questions and my RO's eyes opened big. I had to control myself from laughing. Finally, she understands how I have to tolerate his nonsense and yet he thinks that he is smart. I do not mind people who are not smart. I really get disgusted whenever a person who is not smart thinks that he is smart and wants things his own ways which are wrong most of the time. I am very naughty. Sometimes, when he wants to explain more why he does something, I simply brush him off as I know he will insist on his ways. I want to avoid arguing with him. So, I would not bother to listen. Whatever he says, I will just do though I think certain things he has instructed me to do are silly. I am praying to God for me to be more humble and see this scholar with compassion. Being faster than him does not mean that I can look down on him. He has his own strengths that I do not have. At workplace, I want to keep things at professional level. I really hope that he will stop coming near and asking personal questions. I want to keep my relationship with him strictly at a professional level.

Though I am going through grieving process, I am still at peace after being true to myself and the other party. I really give him all my blessings. I am not sure how he is doing now. I believe he has his own supporters and loved ones to help him through. I do not think we will ever see each other again. I do not think he will want to see me. I treasure him alot. His prospect is very good. His reputation is well established. People are so full of praise of him. He is doing something he likes with a lot of supporters and loved ones and friends flocking to care for him. He is a charmer who is never lack of admirers. So, I think I am redundant to him. He does not have to slog like me.He does not have to worry about his retirement. He can even go for his further studies. How I wish I can have his opportunity. He is very blessed. He has been leading good life without hardship. I happened to see some of his photos and writing. He is leading a very joyful and fulfilled life. Of course, he will have his tough times. But, he has a lot of help and support from others. I have never expected anything from him. Right from the beginning, when I first love him, I know that there won't be any happy ending out of it. And, I do not need anything from him. He will never dare to express his love. His self protection is too strong. He deifinitely loves himself much more than me. Or I should say he has never loved me. Fine with me. My love to him is without strings attached. My Art tehrapist told me I may be just one of his tools for him to use his charm to attract me to him for his ego boost. He may feel good that I have been running away from him because I am scared of his charm and he enjoys that. I do not deny that may be the possibility. So far, he has displayed comments about how people have praised him. It is very human. Just take it as I am stupid lo. As long as he is serving others well and stays happy and balanced, I do not mind being the goon doo for him to fool. Well, he has forgotten me and moved on without me as his attention is not enough for all the people in his life. I am definitely not one of them. I have always seen myself outside his circle of friends and people.......

I think I have to worry about myself more as I have nothing. I will continue to drift along in life until I meet someone who really loves me. If not, I will continue to travel around the world alone. So far, I have only covered Asian countries. I am thinking of travelling to Europe alone next year. I would like to start my exploration around the world alone starting from next year. I know it is dangerous to travel alone. I think I will get used to it. I can't expect people to accompany me all the time. Of course, I have always dreamt of travelling around the world with a spouse. Too bad. I have to accept that not everyone has that blessing. Maybe, I am better off alone. Of course, I may risk dying at home alone and discovered dead in a small flat after a few days in the future if I am single. That is just too bad for me. I am getting used to being lonely liao. I will continue to walk this lonely path.

With Love,
Elena

Father, please help me!!

Just came back from lunchtime mass. Did not really focus well during mass. At least, I appreciate that Fr Cary Chan was not celebrating the mass at a speed that he was rushing for restroom. Did not really get his message today. But, I did enjoy the mass until it was time for communion again. I was very upset. No communion for me again. Nevertheless, I was happy enough to be part of the mass. The funniest thing was Fr Cary Chan placed his mobile phone on the table and it vibrated halfway through the mass. Why the heck did he place his phone with vibration mode on the table that was used as an altar? Trying to wake Jesus up from the crucifix? Faint ar....

Actually, I was there to face harsh reality for the mass today. If I did not hear wrongly last last week as I was far away from the crowd when they announced the priest for the mass today, I thought the mass was celebrated by another priest. Anyway, it was Fr Cary Chan. If it were the other priest, I knew I was going to get harsh remark or chiding. I wanted to skip the mass today. But, I was prompted to go for it, ready for harsh remark and sacrcasm. Thank God that I went.

Grieving still goes on. I miss the person alot. Thinking of seeing him for the last time.  But, no point. I think I may cause more hurt to him. Let him go with peace lah. I can't wait for him to go. So, I am trying very hard to cut myself off inside until he leaves. I am trying my very best. Anyway, I am dead to him long time ago. It's just that I am thick skinned as usual. No more seeing him every two to three months. He is going off for years. Hopefully, by the time he comes back, I will be married by then. I am dying for a new start. Anyway, I will never know when he is coming back since I am out of church. Only people who are close to him will know. I will never be part of those people. Does not matter. The truth is he has never loved me. For me, I just need to cut off my feelings. Only God knows what the hell is inside me.

Work continues to throw me into more angst. I really cannot tolerate that guy in my office. I really hate it whenever he comes very near. I even deliberately walk away whenever he comes too near. Can't he just stop his nonsense? When we went for site visit to a few places yesterday, my RO opened her eyes big when that guy asked stupid questions again. Now, I think my RO knows what I am going through. I am going to explode soon. He better stay away from me. I can't cope anymore.

Really feel like quitting. I have no mood to work at all. I just want to sleep at home. I am not interested in anything at all. I just want to rot. When is this grieving process going to end? I really don't want to walk. I can't cope, losing grip. I hate walking this path. Can I not walk at all? Can I have a chance to study or work outside Singapore? I need a new environment and I have been praying for years. Why do I end myself up like that? I really feel like I am in a desert.

Maybe exercise will help. I should start exercising tomorrow. Maybe, I feel better. I will use all ways to get over such grief at all costs. I cannot allow it to hinder me from moving on. I cannot let it hinder my career. I must get over it quickly. I have no time for grief. It has been affecting my work. I am really very unhappy inside and I hate it. My temper has been out of control. What the hell am I doing? Why do I get so upset? I do not even see him at all. I have left the church for so many months. I have not seen him for months. Why can't I get rid of these feelings for him? He does NOT like me. He even SHOUTED at me. He even slapped me with 'DREAM ON!'. Come on, Elena, WAKE UP! God does not give you a life to waste on such bloody matters! He is leading a good life with joy without you. Why do you land yourself so cheap?  Father, please help me!! I am giving up....

Desperately need help,
Elena

The Grieving Process Begins....

I have just gone to see my Art therapist yesterday. I was asking her to help me through the grieving process as 'he' is leaving Singapore. My therapist asked me to get real with my feelings. I explained to her there is no point in getting real with my feelings since 'he' is getting out of Singapore. To me, it is the end. My therapist asked me to get in touch with my feelings. I described my feelings and the memories that 'he' and I had shared in the past. But, due to his status, it is so wrong morally. Nothing sexual. But, I thought we were abit too close. My therapist tried to guess his identity and even nationality. I asked her not to bother to guess as I need to protect 'him' since 'he' still has to serve in his area. I would not want to risk 'his' reputation being tarnished. For me, it does not matter if my reputation is spoilt since I have left the place. So, the session I had with my therapist was the beginning of my grief.

After the session, I was doing some reflection. I realize that I have loved him so much that I hurt myself. I am not being noble. When I love someone, his well being and growth is more important than anything else, even myself. When I love someone, he is part of me. I will never want to hurt him. Sometimes, I even think that I have cheapened myself. He has never even expressed directly to me that he likes me. I have never asked anything from him but just want him to be happy. However, I realize that he has never loved me at all or I should say he has not loved me enough. I send him emails but he never replies. His self protection is higher than his love for me. He will only reply me through big group sharing or his writing at times. He had ever expressed his feelings through singing and coming close to me. But, what is the big deal? He speaks to anyone through big group sharing and his writing. He also sings to many other women. He also follows other women closely. Do all of these mean that he loves me? Even if he loves me, he does not love me enough for him to have the guts to come to me directly that he loves me or even cares for me directly. What kind of communication is that through big group sharing, singing, coming close to me? Even if he loiters around places which I may hang out, it does not improve our relationship as long as he does not have the guts to approach me and talk to me directly. His self protection is so strong that he has never had the guts to reply my emails but to find other ways to speak to me. Or should I say that I am just not worthy for him to reply my emails or he has never read them before? What is the point of writing and proving that he is a sincere and loving person just like the ones I like or would like to have as my spouse? What is the point of telling me if a person does not cook well, he would not mind eating it for the rest of his life? What was the point of waiting for me when I attended a wedding mass? What is the point of letting me know we share the same values and attitude towards faith, marriage, etc.? What is the point of appearing in places where I would appear? Out of love or ego?

Even if I bump into 'him' every two to three months, our relationship will never improve as we do not talk or he does not even bother to make any efforts at all. He does not make an effort in our relationship at all. Even if we were to meet each other daily, nothing improves as long as 'he' has no guts to talk to me and to be even true with his feelings. It will only torture me to see him every few months. What kind of relationship is that? To a certain extent, I am also quite relieved that 'he' is leaving. 'He' can be so honest with other women and follow them day and night and yet 'he' does not dare to approach me. What does it show? It just shows that 'he' does not love me. I will just take it as this relationship is one sided. 'He' will never have the courage to admit his feelings. Even if 'he' has feelings for me, I do not think 'he' will give up everything 'he' has now to marry me. It is too much for 'him' to give up. It has been obvious to me that 'he' has been so unhappy inside, drifting from one person to another and yet not happy.  Yes, I have never doubted that 'he' does have a loving heart and serve sincerely. I love 'him' for that. But, there are so many ways of serving. It is good to find meaning in life and serve. But, life can be happy daily as long as the person's needs are met generally, other than reaching out to the others. When a person is fulfilled inside with joy, his reaching out will be more deeply felt and touched by the receipients and he, himself, will not only finds meaning deep within but also joyful. It was so obvious that 'he' yearned to have children when my friend told me 'he' refused to let go of a child when the child's parent wanted the child back and 'he' ever mentioned 'he' wanted to see how a woman gave birth live. 'He' kept on sticking to a family at such unhealthy level that I thought 'he' should move in with them. Ultimately, 'he' should know that that can never be 'his' family. 'He' also mentioned with a lot of feelings and yearning about marriage and ever complained about what 'he' is in now. I am quite shcoked that he has mentioned the thing he misses the most is not links to a group. Ok, only he knows what he misses. Maybe, the people he reaches out to, maybe, his sickly loved ones, maybe, his parents, maybe, certain friends, etc. I don't know and I am not entitled to know.

So what if 'he' has expressed so much? I do not think that 'he' will give up 'his' status now. 'He' is enjoying admiration and popularity from people. 'His' reputation is so well established. 'He' does not have to worry about earning a living and retirement. 'He' is going to have a good future where 'he' will be in charge of so many people in a big place. I do not mean 'he' goes for all these things. I know 'he' has the heart to serve. Who the hell in his right mind will give up these things and enjoyment to get married and slog outside with a woman and get all sorts of accusations and lose links to the groups no matter how much he likes her? Dream on. Ultimately, human beings are self centered no matter what. I am really so sick of feeling 'his' misery inside that I choose not to see 'him' and avoid 'him'. I find it irresponsible to express certain feelings towards women which may cause them to have wrong impression that 'he' likes them beyond platonic level. I wonder if it is done out of ego. 'He' is charming. Maybe, 'he' is enjoying such attention with 'his' charm. Maybe, I am just one of his tools for 'his' ego boost. I am not sure.

'He' has never expressed to me honestly about his feelings towards me directly. He only knows how to drop hints. I just take it as he does not love me enough for him to express his feelings directly to me. If he is called to get out of what he is in now according to God's calling and marries me if he really wants to spend the rest of his life with me, I am willing to go through thick and thin with him despite all challenges and accusations to come. I am not afraid and I think he is worthy for me to go through hell with him as long as he is true to himself. I have confidence in growing with him with him leading me. Personally, I think he is better off getting married. He will definitely experience Love at a much deeper level through the intimacy ferom the relationship and grow to be more complete and continue to serve in any ways. I will serve with him and support him. Unfortunately, I think this is just my wishful thinking. 'He' will never step out.

Since 'he' has mentioned in 'his' writing that 'he' has found meaning and joy in what 'he' is in now, I will give 'him' all my blessings. Anyway, both of us have different directions. I want a family of my own while 'he' is out there in his own direction with so many people. I can only give 'him' all my blessings if 'his' decision is to go 'his' own way. Now, I have to face the cold fact that 'he' is leaving me behind for 'his' advancement. Have started my grieving process. Have to force myself to cut off mercilessly no matter how I love him or miss him since 'he' has decided to move on without me. I know God will bless me with a man who loves me as who I am and he will confess his feelings to me directly and true to me when the time comes. Currently, I will continue to strenghten my body with Chinese medicine and continue to seek Art therapist help for my grief. Have been having sleepless nights. Very broken inside. I still have to force myself to get over 'him'

I also hope that my male colleague stops coming too near. I have already made it clear. I get very disgusted with him. He is just not the one though he is a scholar with prospects. He is just not right. I hope that I do not have to come to this point when I turn nasty. I do not want to waste my energy on such nonsense.

With Love,
Elena

Happiness in the midst of confusion and grief

Nothing seems to go right since morning. When I came to work, it was raining heavily. Once I reached workplace, it stopped raining. MP3 spoilt for no reason. Online radio does not work. Food ecntre nearby closed for today and I forgot. Then, had to go further to buy food. Stomach still gives me problems. Went for budget and IT coordinators meetings. I got so lost with all the terms as I was the only first time there. My paperwork is already so poor and yet changes keep on coming in and my predecessors cannot help me. What should I do? At the rate I go, the monster will only think that I am not competent as she has never bothered to understand the unique situations. I am going crazy.

For the past few days, I have been reading some books and thinking through what my friends and RO have told me. I am simply not suitable for my current job as I am not a desk bound person. Worse still, paperwork has been my weakest area. Have been looking for sponsorships for studies but have failed. The kind of jobs that I can do without handling much paperwok requires me to go for higher education. But, I CAN'T afford. Have tried looking for a job overseas but have failed. I know I can't stand the life here. My nerves are always so tensed up that I fall sick often. Squeezing with people in trains, getting scolded at times when they are wrong, some people keep on sitting part of my seat that I have no more space for myself and I get stared at at times, etc. My best friend has spoken to me recently, advising me to move out of the house. She has been advising me to do that for more than 10 years as the situation is not healthy for me and I have been trapped for too long. She told me she wished she would have an extra room for me when she got her new house. But, she could not as she would be getting smaller flat to take care of her sickly dad. I was touched by her thoughts. I could see that she mentioned that sincerely.  But, how about money for renting a room? It is not cheap. I am simply trapped here. I am so unhappy because in every aspect of my life, I cannot be myself. I am forcing myself to be who I am not just to survive. For the past two months, all I do is to do things to make myself happy so that I am well enough to reach out to the others. I have not been visiting my grandfather for the past two months. I am just too tired to do anything else. Everyday is a battle. I am so tired trying to be who I am not daily and get tensed up under a monster who picks at anything at anytime and blows it big . Yes, pay is higher but my health suffers. No home but a house to go back to where quarrels over money are not uncommon. What is wrong with me? Why is there no place for me?

Got into troubles in church and I am out. In romantic relationship, I like the wrong person who does not like me but I have tried my best to cut off until I bleed all over. When a man likes me and I love him, I cannot cope with intense feelings and intimacy. Some friends rub salt into my wound instead of comforting me when I fail in any areas. What is wrong with me? Why am I so bad to deserve this? I cannot be even true with my feelings and have to lie most of the time for the future of some people. I am sick of lying that I do not care. I am, sick of everything here. I am stuck with my educational level that I am trapped in jobs that I can't do at all and yet because of income, I have to force myself to be who I am not. People around my age are mostly married. I am still drifting like a bird without two feet. Why is life so difficult? Where is my home?

Despite all these unhappiness and fatigue of moving on, I am happy that the person I love the most will be starting his life anew somewhere. At least, he does not get stuck like me. I am happy for him though I can't bear to see him leave. I don't want him to get trapped like me. After he has left, I have to deal with my feelings and grief alone. I want him to start anew away from some people around him as I can forsee that some people around him are hindering him from growing and I am not in a position to tell him. So far, I can only see him going down the drain with these people. God is really Love. God knows my worries. That person is starting anew elsewhere. I know he can make it this time. For me, I will find a way to deal with my feelings. My mentality is one person suffering is better than two. Whether I can make it or not, is up to me. I will force myself to cut off mercilessly for his happiness even if it means to cut deeper into me. I will never want to be a hindrance to his happiness. Nothing to do with him. I have never blamed him for anything. I can only blame myself for handling the issues badly. Hope that after he has come back, his future and life will be more fulfilled with joy deep within. I give him all my blessings. As long as he is happy, I am happy for him.

As for me, good luck to me. I will just hang in there with God alone. I will not go back to church. Really scared to get into troubles again and hurt anyone. Hopefully, one day, a man of strong faith will marrry me and bring me back to church. If not, I will continue to spend regular quiet time with God through the nature and make friends wherever I go. I am better off as a lonely wanderlust as of now.

With Love,
Elena

Travel along the track deeper into colleagues

Just come back from mass again. Fr Anthonio was the celebrant. He was very cute. Before I rushed out of the hall to get back in time for my work, he gave me a big smile. Don't know why. I was feeling very upset as I saw people receiving communion and all I could do was to watch. Who asked me to sin? Who asked me to be bad? How to receive communion when I do not even go to church on every Sunday? I have left the church for a few months. I have forgotten how it is like to receive communion. Never mind. God knows how I feel inside. The smile from Fr Anthonio brought me comfort. I knew the smile was from God. He knows what is going on in my heart. When I go lunchtime mass, I will never bother to find out the celebrant for the next mass. It's not as if I would choose to go for masses which my favorite priests celebrate. I do not even have any favorite priests to begin with. I just leave it open. The helpers asked me to get the schedule. I was rushing off and did not bother about it. There is this IHM woman who goes for the same mass as me. Hopefully, she is not the KPO kind who will go around apreading rumours about me at IHM. I was hurt enough. I have left the church and that should satisfy their wants. All I want is to spend that half an hour with God on every Friday as much as I can.

I was bringing my colleagues out to explore the Rail Corridor along the Upper Bukit Timah Road. The route, itself, sucks. I almost sprained my ankle a few times as I have bad left knee from my serious fall twice many years ago. Now, I feel the strain. Good for the monster. We suffered while she enjoyed herself in the office. Actually, all of us were too busy looking out for the pebbles to avoid falling to appreciate the scenery. Anyway, there was nothing for us to admire with all the bushes around. One of my colleagues and I were being fed on by the mosquitoes. One thing I did appreciate was we helped one another along the way. Some were walking behind to take care of a colleague with leg problems. This colleague did not give up and finished the 1 hour route with us. The rest of us were leading in front looking for a way out to the main road from the track. We managed to find a slope to get out at last. Then, we tried to support one another to reach the road safely. I enjoyed that part as I felt that unity. Along the way, I observed everyone. One of the male colleague always wants things in his own way. I was in charge of the camera and he insisited on grabbing the camera and placed it on a tall wall to take a picture for all of us. I told him I did not want to risk it as it was the departmental property. He refused to listen. I quit arguing with him and warned him if anything were to happen, he had to be responsible with it. Finally, the rest of them also thought it was too risky to place it there and stopped him from doing it. Then, he finally listened. Along the way, he also argued with another colleague on the route. He was wrong in the end. So what if he is a scholar? Scholar is not God. It does not mean that he is right all the time. I am working closely with him on a project. He is getting on my nerves. This is not the first time he is doing it. Just because he is not in charge of the things, he just wants things his way even if it is risky to do so as he does not have to be responsible for it. For things that he is in charge of, he will take special care so that he would not get into trouble. He also has a way of getting things and information from us and yet he keeps all that he knows to himself. Sigh! Why so double standard? How  can a scholar be so insecure? He is not only slow but also stubborn. Nowadays, I give up on him. By late 20s, I would expect him to understand and know certain things. I refuse to explain certain issues with a lot of details to make him look stupid. I keep my mouth shut most of the time. The other male colleague who was the person-in-charge of this outing bought drink for himself without considering the others and I was shocked that he rushed off for his music lesson without caring if his staff who had leg problem could get down the slope or checked if everyone was alright. I thought it was quite irresponsible. All the responsibility fell on me. An activity like this could really tell me more about their characters.

Nevertheless, I enjoyed the outing with my colleagues, especially our meal together at a HongKong cafe at Bukit Timah Plaza. 8 out of 11 of us went for the meal. It has been a long time since I enjoy such big gathering in an informal setting. Even those colleagues who are normally serious at work let their hair down and went crazy. All of us shared food. It was just like a big family. Surprisingly, the teambonding element was the strongest in this meal that we did not plan. Though I was the organizer, I left the planning for the venue for meal to them and simply tagged along. I always believe that for all of us to enjoy the outing, all of us should voice our preferences and come to a consensus. It is not about me. It is about we as one team. One colleague offered to pay for the whole meal first. I assured her I would make sure she would get the reimbursement that she should get. The meal was filled with laughter and joy. I believe the Holy Spirit was working freely at that table out of Love.

My birthday celebration continues tomorrow. My best friend is treating me to a buffet lunch at Triple Three Restaurant at Mandarin Orchard hotel. More food. Hopefully, I would be fine by then as I keep on having stomach upset. Currently, I am visiting a Chinese doctor to treat my body. Really going broke. I spent $38 on my first visit to the doctor and five days of Chinese medicine. Have to go back to her on Tuesday. Then, after seeing her, have to go for Art Therapy. On Wednesday, vocal lesson again. Really going broke. But, at least, I am trying to improve on my well being so that I am healthy enough to serve in any areas of my life. Even if it is time for me to get married and have children, I will be healthy enough to be pregnant. With my health now, I think I can't even be afford to get pregnant. Even if I am called to be single in the end, I still have to be healthy to lead life to the fullest. My body is the temple to house the Holy Spirit. How can I abuse it?

Time to exercise. I have been delaying it for months. Very tired and lazy. Hopefully, I can get up and start exercising. Ok, go back to work now. Just made a mistake. Hopefully, the monster would not tell me off as it was communicated to me wrongly by the Finance Department. Sigh! Still poor at paperwork. What to do? I can only do my best.

Adam had only one Eve but not many Eves in Genesis

As a single, I can afford to go for many activities. I have started my first vocal lesson near my workplace yesterday. OMG! Breathing is my weak area again. I used to learn swimming but did not complete the lessons as I kept on panting and the coach could only concentrate on a few students which I thought I was wasting my money and time. For my first lesson which was the second one for the rest of them since I was absent from the first one, there were many areas to focus on from breathing, shape of the mouth, consistency in singing out certain words given to us, etc. Really felty my chest bursting at times. The instructor was quite attentive to everyone's progress. Ok, I shall continue with the vocal lessons.

Have been doing research on teambuilding activities. While going trhough them, I realize that there are so many things that I can enjoy as a single. I can always do things alone. I am thinking of courses on sailing (though I still can't swim), cooking (especially baking), picking up French again (have forgotten most words as I ahve not touched it for one year), pottery making, painting, keyboard, etc. Have already got used to being alone. So, even if I am not called to get married, can always find activities to do. Can also look for volunteering activities. There are so many things to do in life.

In this morning, I was reading an article on a 82 year old woman pestering a 67 years old priest who is married with two children. It set me thinking why she still wants to do that at her age. Maybe, she is lonely? I am not sure. Obviously, the man does not love her at all. In fact, I think he has done the right things. He is married with children and it would never be possible for them to be together even if he likes her. One thing I find disgusting is the old woman claimed that they had physical intimacy with him. I do not believe so. Even if he wants to have physical intimacy, he could have gone for the prettier and younger ones.

Personally, though I am a woman, I find most women become monsters when they cannot get the men they want. They will come up with all sorts of accusations and ploys against the men they could not get and the other women who are close to them out of friendships. I really do not understand why. Even if they can follow the men day and night, are they sure that these men's hearts are with them? Aren't they tired of such ploys and chasing? Really very complex. I rather leave such complicating relationships and not get involved at all. These women can continue to crack their heads to continue to set up plots against other people. More people will be hurt along the way if they do not change.

Sometimes, the men involved also play a part at times. If they are practising celibacy or are married, they should draw clear boundaries with the women in their lives other than their spouses. Unless the men are called to marry the women, the men should keep certain distance away from these women who try to seduce them or have illegitimate affairs with them while maintaining as friends. If they know they cannot control themselves from getting involved with these women in the wrong acts or ill intentions, they should just cut off from all occasions of sins. I do come across men who still allow the women to follow them closely even if these women are hurting other innocent women around these men of their desires. Worse still, they also follow these women giving the wrong impression that they like these women. If they are leaders, they are leading his own people to sin with them. What is the point of leading double lives of appearing holy in front of the crowd and yet having illegitinmate relationships with some women behind? Does usch life allows the men to enter the narrow gate to the heaven? Might as well get married to have a legitimate relationship with a woman and lead life to the fullest with joy instead of just jumping into any relationships and drifting along in life. What kind of quality of life is that? Is that a life meant for us by God? In this case, I can only say that these men are trying to feed their own egos with these women around in these wrong relationships, further emphasizing on their own insecurities. I don't think I will marry such man as he can never lead me as my spouse in my faith and give me any security in my marriage since he is so insecure and not right with Gid and his relationships with other women. Most probably, they will still continue to flirt around with other women even after married to continue to feed their own egos. To me, even if the man can teach or preach or talk very well on God, he does not really grasp with the core of his heart what Love really is. Whe togh times come in a marriage, I would not be surprised that he would be the first person to leave me to the lurch and run to another woman.

I always believe that each man only has one woman meant for him from God if he is called to get married. Go through Genesis. God only gets Eve to be Adam's partner for it is not good for him to be alone. Nowhere in the bible can you find God has created many Eves for Adam in Genesis. The union must be sanctioned and bound with the covenant of matrimony by God. It is a blessing from God. Any other illegitimate relationships with other women will not be blessed by God for they are formed out of sins and out of man's self centeredness.

Life is meant to be led to the fullest. These relationships are too 'adventurous' for me to end up in hell. I also do not have the energy to have anything to do with such men and women. I am too simple for those ploys. Those women can get the prizes that they want. Whether these prizes' hearts have them or not, really good luck to these women. Maybe, that is the rich women's sports. They can afford to drive these men around, buy things for them, cook for them, 'protect' these men form other women,  accompany them day and night, etc. I do not have the money, time and energy for such affairs. It is silly to get myself so miserable over a man who is not even worthy of my love while he is indulging into his inflated egos through the wrong relationships.  I will continue to work hard and earn more money for my activities and travel around the world alone. I am happy to be simple. I have a few destinations in mind that I would like to explore alone for the next few years. Though lonely at times, I rather be alone than getting involved iwth any men to feed their egos. I believe if I am meant to get married, God will bless me with a man who marries me and truly loves me for the rest of my life. If I am called to be single, I will continue to work hard to earn more money and travel around the world with God in me and with me.

I am dead, man. I am bringing my colleagues to rail corridor along Upper Bukit Timah Road and walk on the track. Having stomach upset which causes my body system to be down and weak now. Hopefully, I can still have fun exploring with them and I am the organizer cum guide. Ok, adventure ahead!

With Love,
Elena

The danger of missing the narrow gate because of intellect

In the midst of my busyness at workplace with my migraine which continues to persist despite intake of strong painkiller, I took some time out to spend time with God to relax my mind just now. I was reading on the latest blog entry by Fr Ron Rolheiser, titled 'Things Hidden From the Learned and The Clever'. It surprised me that he was writing on it as this topic ran through my mind during last night since I was suffering from insomnia. I did write something along this topic for my blog entry yesterday. Fr Ron Rolheiser accurately depicted what I was trying to express in a more polished way.

I do not belong to any academic groups. Neither am I smart. However, I think alot. Sometimes, I think too deeply according to my friends. I guess our minds trick us alot. They may hinder us from being childlike in our faith, surrendering ourselves totally to God. The intellectual ideas about the faith may be the very obstacles for us to expeirence the Love of God through our poverty and brokeness. Meditate deeply into Psalms 51 and you will see what I mean. I have bumped into people who are intellectual and some think that they are intellectual. Based on my observation in church, I do see that some intelleactuals or seemingly intellectual people like to form their own groups and build intangible around them with small doors so that only people whom they deem intellectual can enter into these groups.

However, such acts only show the self centeredness for show like the Pharisees. They may articulate or write very well on the Catholic faith, doctrines and teachings but the very act of excluding people who are not of their types backfire their very intention to show that they are holy. In my previous blog, these are the people I name as 'elites'. Like what Fr Ron had mentioned in his blog entry, they had such self sufficiency that they no longer have the childlike faith that they totally depend on as vulnerable chidlren of God. Where is that vulnerability for God to work on if one shows his self sufficiency based on his intellect?  When a person is self sufficient, there is no room for God to work. The attention is brought to themselves as they gather among themselves as exclusive groups instead to God who bless them with the gifts. Sometimes, I am amused that they use certain platforms meant to spread and teach the Catholic faith to seemingly exchange views when they are actually trying to prove that they are more intellectually superior and holier than the others. It is good to have such people around who write and talk about God in such flowery language but such flowery language is burnt by the very act of being exclusive as intellectual individuals. Their actions and words through their daily living simply do not live up to their flowery languages. Often, when reading their comments at a deeper level, one can find that their seemingly holy comments or description of Catholic faith seems holy but they actually reveal the tendency to reject people who seem to be sinful and not holy. They definitely do not truly grasp the meaning of the parables of the prodigal son though they may undertsand it as the head level. I won't be surprised that they would look down upon and prematurely reject people who are poor, not as intellectual, have sinned in any ways, do not have the right mentality into joining RCIA but may have the potential to change their mindset and transform by God along the way, etc. Well, I have known some of them. They seem holy mingling well with others who are intellectual and priests. But, when serving in the ministries where mercy is needed to forgive the others who have done wrong and grow together, they leave no mercy for such people and say or do things that are trying to kick them out. During RCIA, I would not be surprised they are the very people who will prematurely kick people who join due to other reasons such as marrying Catholics or accompanying boyfriends and other seemingly wrong reasons out when these people may be transformed by God through the Catholic community and the sessions along the way. These arrogant intellects tend to be tunnel visioned.

The danger is that while it is good to learn from such arrogant intellects at the head level, many people who could have been saved by God are hindered by these arrogant intellects. Those who do not fall into the same category are deemed not worthy or holy to stay in the church. Sometimes, I do bump into some of them who lord themselves over us. I simply keep quiet and laugh at them with amusement as they make fools out of themselves to continue to show off their intellect when they simply do not fathom what Love is all about. The more they show off, the more they make fools of themselves in the Kingdom of God. I believe they should meditate on the Beautitudes and meditate on it with their hearts.I should say that their intellectual arrogance will continue to blind them to miss the narrow gate to heaven if they continue to live in this way. I am quite naughty. The more they write more comments or Catholic faith in polished ways without changing their behaviour and interaction, especially people whom they deem less superior than them, the more I smirk whenever I read or hear from them. How ironic!

Ok, hopefully they will learn to decrease themselves and increase God. If not, throughout their whole lives, they only live in limited ways and deprived themselves of learning from more people, especially the very people whom they have rejected and could help them to grow to be more complete towards holiness. By the time they have to meet God, then they realize no matter how eloquent or flowery they are with their words to show off, they have been falling through the cracks blinded by their arrogance and attention to themselves as holy, missing the narrow gate to heaven all the while. This is all because the eyes are always on self and not on the narrow gate of holiness. By the way, a pair of eyes can only focus on one thing at a time. So, where are your eyes fixing on? God bless.

With Love,
Elena

A parcel with nice packaging but contains worms within

Ok, the monster continues to want things in her own way. She is asking me to organize an outing for the department. And, she dominates the whole planning without considering the staff's preferences and certain health issues. She shoul;d have told me where she wanted to go right at the beginning instead of acting to be nice telling all of us she ould leave it to us. Then, behind them, she rejected all our options after I have done much research and voting among the staff. She still wants that stupid Rail Corridor trip. She knows that one or two staff cannot walk on the rough track and yet she still wants it her own way. Really vomit blood working under her. Never mind. Life still moves on. No point complaining.
Really have got no mood to work. Having migraine again. Sigh! Maybe, it is due to the fact that I stayed overnight in town and chatted with my friend over the weekend. Time flew fast with her. I have been wondering in my mind. Many people can write and comment on God and the faith. How many people really practise and understand with the heart and not just with the head? I have read through blog enteries from various blogs and even read comments on them. Some even comment on comments from others. But, how many people actually live the word through their lives? I know some of them personally. I can't help it to judge that they may comment very well on the blog entries and yet they have done things that disgust people behind others. They even suck up to people with authorities. I even talked to them personally. I am sorry to say that I judge. Sometimes, I may feel the aggression on the comments that they have on other people's comments. Somehow, I do not feel that they are just trying to clarify aspects of the faith but more for the sake of trying to be right and holy. I may be wrong and I hope that I am wrong. Often, they choose to stick with people who seem holy or with authorities to show that they are holy. They even accompany these people wherever they go or buy things for them.  I am glad that I am not part of the group though I have been condemned by such group. If these people whom they suck up to fall from their positions, see if these people still stick with them through thick and thin. Love does not discriminate.

No wonder it is a narrow gate to heaven. It really sieves out the goats from the sheeps. It really takes out the deception from the truth. What appears outside does not matter. God looks into what is inside. Many people can write and preach or teach very well on God. The reason why I leave certain places is not because I am holy. I leave because I do not see myself growing holy with them as most of them are acting. How can a person who is thriving to grow to be holy to grow with people who are not even true to themselves? It seems that they still have not changed. I hope that they do not impart such values to the younger ones. I do not deny that all of us are broken in some ways even in church. That does not disturb me. In fact, that gives me comfort from God that all of us are in the same boat with Christ to grow together. Sadly to say, what disturbs me is when the seemingly holy people suck up to some authorities and even form groups of people of their own types. People who are not of their types are kicked out. That is not even love but divisions. For me, I will learn from these 'elites' about knowledge of faith at the head level as they are very well versed with the knowledge since they do research and read alot in order not to lose to the others. But, I will never want to see them as living examples about how to live the Christian faith. Rather, I look out for people who are sincere towards people and themselves though they may not be as eloquent or knowledgeable as these 'elites'. Even if I look for a spouse, I do not look for an 'elite'. I go for people who are sincere and not there to show people how good or talented or handsome they are. Trying to impress me fails. Moreover, I do not go for people pleaser.

Too bad. There are so many such people around. Hope that they will not only make use of their knowledge for the good of the others but also to live out the faith with sincerity and without discrimination. If they truly understand the parable of the prodigal son, they would not have discriminated against anyone to form groups to begin with. I am already broken and weak in faith. If I mix with such 'elites', I will appear holy but deep within, I have not grown to be holy. It's like a parcel with nice packaging but contains worms within.

With Love,
Elena

Patience being stretched like a rubber band...

Have just come back from lunchtime mass. I really treasure my lunchtime mass alot as it is the only time when I come together with the community to spend time in peace with God. I am not sure what is wrong with my day today as nothing seems to go right since I started my day. I bumped into this woman during the mass. For the whole mass, she was a distraction. I had to try very hard to block the distraction from her. Obviously, I have failed. If not, I would not have complained here. I think that while participating in the mass, all of us play a part of not distracting other people during the mass. Firstly, she was late for mass. I had to let her in to the seat next to me whe they were seats behind, disrupting my prayer as she came in right in the middle of the opening prayer by the priest. Secondly, she sat so close to me that I think she could kiss me. I do not enjoy people coming too near for my comfort. Though we come together as a community, everyone has his comfort zone. She just came too near for me to move at all. Thirdly, she made a lot of noise. I believe private prayers should be done silently or before mass or after the communion during the mass. She was very near and prayed her own prayers aloud just like a mosquito buzzing in my ears while the priest was saying the prayers. It became noise, leaving me with no peace.  Not just that, she made a lot of noise with her paper. Sigh! All I need is to come quietly away from the hassles of the work to seek peace from God and pray together with the community. And yet, I had to put up with the nonsense. My patience was really tested. I wanted to warn that person and yet I had to swallow it. Well, I saw it as my sacrifice to God by keeping my mouth shut and exercise my self control not to flare up. I really hope that the people who are participating the masses spare some thoughts for the others. If private prayers have to be made during the mass which are not supposed to be unless right after communion, they should be said in the hearts. No need to say out the prayers to distract others as the mass is meant to be spent with the community and God except for the communal prayers that need to be responded by us. Trust me. It is very irritaing for the neighbours to put up with the noise that you make. The attention should be on God but not on you who make noise inappropriately and do what you like in your own ways. It defaeats the purpose of having such cummunal gathering before the Eucharistic celebration. The communal celebration means that we carry out every action and say each prayer at the same time to signify that we are all different parts of the body of Christ as one in God with Christ as the head.  
My patience is continued to be challenged at work. OMG! I have been put to work with someone who is damn slow. He is that blessing at my workplace. He is helpful but I really have problems working with him and our communication frequency is so different. I am way too fast while he is so many steps behind.  We went for site visit for two places yesterday. Each visit could have ended within half an hour. But, it ended up lasting for one hour for each trip. I was keeping my cool as he kept on asking questions which the vendor had just answered. Sometimes, I could not tolerate such wastage of time. I would explain to him again to speed up the process. The vendor simply stared at him as what he asked seemed quite stupid to us. I felt embarassed. I am sorry that I was very judgemental of him within me. At the back of my mind, I was thinking since he is a scholar, why is he thinking so slow? Why is his understanding so lagging behind? The worst thing was when the vendor was explaining things, he kept on butting in. How to listen if he kept on interrupting the vendors? He became a noise disrupting the whole discussion and I got upset within, not wanting to show my expression.

Then, he asked me to do research on the vendors who may have organized the teambuilding activities for top management retreat of other organizations. Guess what? After I have done my research and contacted all four of them, he told me he knew someone from one of them. I really jumped when I saw the email from him. After putting in so much hard work, he told me he would find out more about it from this vendor. What the heck! Not only was he wasting my time doing the research and contacting the vendor, I had to explain to him it reflected badly on our organization with two people asking the same things from the vendor as the vendor might think we do not coordinate well within the organization, indicating inefficiency of the organization as a whole. I really can't stand it that I have to explain such things to a scholar. I do not wish to make it seem that he is stupid. I really have got no idea how I am going to work with him. I know that I am wrong to look down on him though he is a scholar and I am not any smarter and yet I could not help it but to get angry. He is hindering the work. I really hate it when I have to explain things right down to the smallest details for him to understand things. I keep on feeling frustrated from it as I seem to be insulting his intelligence to have to be so detailed to make him understand things. If I can tolerate him, I can be a saint. He is not at fault. The problem lies with me. I have problems with patience. I think he is God's tool for me to develop my patience. I should not be so arrogant. He is a scholar and I am not even a university graduate. Who am I to judge him? I am really torn between my arrogance and humility as a disciple of Christ.

The other person is my monster. My tolerance towards her has reached its maximum. She is simply wasting my time doing all the research for our departmental outing. When I sent out the first email to all the staff after doing some research on the places we may go for our outing, she rejected all after we have agreed to go to this particular place. She first told us she left it to us and yet she could not let go of her control and asked me to go somewhere else. I do not mind her deciding where to go. But, when I first sent the email giving a few options, she could have told me her preference so that I did not have to waste so much time doing research on places and voting from the staff. She always made it sound like I have done the wrong thing. Recently, a few of us are blowing up. I blew up my top this morning as this is her third turning around and sound like I have done the wrong thing again. My colleague just got it from her yesterday and flared up. But she was more subtle than me. My colleague is also doubting her ability though she is always a very confident person. At the rate we go, our morale will be badly hit by the monster. She would always make us do a lot of research and presentation which may take up one month of our time and then she would turn around and accuse us for being incompetent and get someone else from other departments to do our work. Luckily, the self esteem of a few of us is not damaged by her. We just know it is her style of doing that which frustrates us as it hinders the work. Sometimes, she knows the direction which we need from her instead of second guessing and yet she refuses to tell us and just keeping on rejecting our work. At times, she does not even know the direction. As a leader, how can she not know her direction? Sigh! We are just like headless chickens. We often work late in vain as our work is rejected by her REPEATEDLY.  We seriously do not like the accusations she has against us. If she tells us the direction right from the beginning, we would not have wasted so much time and efforts of those projects which she rejects. She has been very harsh on us and one team leader pointed it out to her. She did try to control her temper. Sigh! I really do not know when our new boss for our department is coming in to 'salvage' us. If not, she will continue to cover our department.

I am not sure how we are going to grow under her. Even a normal outing for the department, she will make it so boring and complicating for me to organize. We envy the other departments. Their outings are so interesting and free. I prefer it to be spontaneous for everyone to relax and mingle freely while the monster wants it with purpose and by the book in her way. I rather not go for the outing, man! So boring! Young staff from my department find her boring. She is not flexible at all. It is all about what she likes and never about anyone at all. Professionally, she will do what she can to impress everyone at the expense of her staff. My silent angel will be absent for many days as her child is sick. So, during her absence, we have to deal with the monster directly. All of us are waiting for the silent angel to come back as she will be the main person dealing with her.

I am not sure how much I can stretch my patience. I am wondering if it is worthy at all. I am trying to change my perspective to grow to be more patient. I wonder how. I guess I need to continue to keep close to God and exercise my self control over my temper handling both the monster and that scholar who is working closely with me. Also, I hope that no complicating relationship at my workplace. I am here to work and am not interested to have any romantic relationships with anyone unless I have the prompting that that guy is meant to be my spouse. If not, all relationships have to be kept clean. While I am still here, I want to contribute as much as I can as my work involves with the future of Singapore indirectly untilo I am asked to leave or it is time for me to move on.

Ok, time to go back to work. Have to start exercising to burn all the tension and stress in me. If not, I am falling sick again. My ehad has given me the signal that it is stretched. Exercise is the best way to burn off all the negative energy piling uop within. Woo hoo...Weekend is coming. Time to rot at home again. Really can't wait for my vocal lesson to start on next Wednesday. Still have to go for seond session of my Art Therapy tomorrow. My durian cake and crepes are waiting for me to swallow them. Now, the fridge at our level is full of the pungent smell of durian cakes, crepes and puffs. Hurray! Durian cake, I am coming for you now!! I really crave for you. I guess that is the little blessing I get from God despite the bad day today.

With Love,
Elena

Thanksgiving for the 12,045 gifts from my Heavenly Father!

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for giving me the breath of life on this day 33 years ago! Because of this breaqth of Love from you, each day of my life is a gift from you. Wow, I have received 12,045 gifts from you. What have I done to deserve such gifts from you? I know this is all because of Love which can never be bought. Father, thank you for all the blessings that you have bestowed me. Thoughtimes may be tough at times, You have given me the light of hope even in my darkest hours for me to look towards the light and lead me out of darkness. I thank you for Jesus who has been my Mastter and Mentor and a Brother. If not of this guidance, I would have gone astray away from You. Because of victory over death which he had willingly gone through out of Love and in Love, I have more confidence and faith that no matter how stormy my life may be, Jesus can calm the storms and heal me. All I have to do is to learn to trust him more and strengthen my faith.

I thank you for the difficult people and challenges in my life as they help me to grow to be more mature and to learn to let go and let You. You have been teaching me to exchange my yoke for Jesus' yokje which is lighter to carry. You have taught me to die to myself bit by bit so that I would not leave this world with regrets and bitterness which coukld have turned into tragic death as hell on earth. Thank for helping me to grow in wisdom through these difficult people and chanllenges though I may want to give up at times. When I can no longer walk, You carry me just like how a father carries his own daughter on his shoulder.

I am sorry for the time when I have hurt your Beloved Son, Jesus, whenever I hurt anyone since Christ appears in the face of everyone I meet. I may be wilful and want things my way. However, you never deal with me with an eye for an eye approach. Rather, you keep on forgiving me whenever I turn to you with sincere repentance. Each day of my life is an opportunity for me to be purified so that I can get closer and closer to You. You love me so much that You cannot bear to see me straying far. Though I am not going to church, You ahve never gieven up on me and continue to pursyue me with such intense Love. You have spoken to me through the nature, friends, loved ones, etc. Love never fails. You are Love. So, You will never fail.

Father, I really pray for a home that is built out of Love with my spouse. If it is Your will, bless me with a spouse who loves me and accepts me as who I am. He will love me as part of himself. We will walk through thick and thin together. I really hope to experience to be someone's spouse and mother. I want to experience the joy of becoming a mother.  I also pray that my spouse will be a man of strong faith who places God above everyone and everything else. He seeks to serve but not to be served. I pray that I can serve with him together with our children. He is a man who has the courage to face his feelings and express them with sincerity and be himself. He is willing and has the guts to walk the path meant for him with me and I will be willing to go through thick and thin with him. Nevertheless, I would not just get any Tom, Dick or Harry to marry me. Recently, I have this guy who is younger than me asking me weird questions and writing something weird to me. Hopefully, he is just writing them at a brotherly level. I would rather think that I am too sensitive or have misinterpreted what he has written or asked than him wanting to have relationship more than just a brother. I do not want to handle another complicating relationship. As I have to see him almost everyday, I would not want to have any complication with him. He is a kind and gentle person who has a bright future. I am glad to have him as my brother to work together closely. I am far too mature for him and I find myself geting very impatient to explain things to him to the last detail. Our communication frequency is just not there. I do not feel right with him. He is just not the one. Father, help me. I am very bad in handling matters of heart. I have been getting frustrated when I attract some guys who have interest in me and yet I am not interested in them. I have tried to lei low and yet I don't know why I still attract some guys. I am not even pretty or good in any ways. I am just a plain Jane. I would not want to ruin anyone's life or hurt anyone. Somehow, I can sense that I am meant for marriage. I may be wrong, I will just wait patiently for my spouse to appear and confess his feelings and willingness to go on the adventurous ride through life journey together. Through the covenant of matrimony bestowed by You, we would give each other as part of each other as one. While waiting, I will continue to use my gifts for the good of others and travel around the world with my friends or alone. Of course, I would hope to travel with my spouse as intimate sharing with a spouse can never be done with friends and others. Whether single or married, I lift it up to You as You know which vocation is best suitable for me to share God's love with the others and lead life to the fullest with a deep sense of fulfilment and joy within for me to reach out to the hearts of the others even in the midst of tough times.

I am starting my life anew from today onwards. Somehow, I believe it is a positive start. I will stop cutting off people who love me and want to travel my life journey with me. Thank you, Father, for everything! I love You! Thank you for celebrating my birthday with me for the past few days through my friends! Last but not least, Happy Birthday to myself!

With Love,
Elena

God is celebrating my birthday in advance!

I love God. I know He has always loved me. He never fails me in any ways. I really enjoyed my birthday celebration over the weekend. I was celebrating it in advance at Bintan. Wow, the beauty of the nature was so therapeutic. On the Saturday night, the endless blanket of dark sky was brightened up by the numerous bright stars beautifying the otherwise dark and dull sky. We were very blessed to be driven around by a friendly driver who gave us discount for his service and patiently waited for us to finish each of our activities before he could drive us to every destination. When we were in the car with the windows opened for the gentle breeze to sweep gentle across our faces and fixing our eyes to admire the awe of the sky filled with the bright stars, the music in the background was playing to add spice to the experience. As the breeze was blowing on my face, I could feel God's gentle breath blowing on me. The stars on the sky are God's gift for me, telling me life is filled with hope (stars) no matter how dark it may be.

My friend treated me seafood at a kelong after a full aromatherapy massage. They chose the seafood. The kelong was quiet and what we heard was just our laughter. I really enjoyed such meals together as it was organized by them out of their love for me to celebrate my birthday. I just had to sit down and eat with the sea surrounding us. I have always loved the sea as I am a person who gets agitated very quickly with very sensitive nerves and senses. So, the water surrounding me will never fail to soothe and comfort me. I thank God for celebrating my birthday and cheer me up through my friends who took the pain and time to arrange such wonderful trip for me. Though that place was a rather run down kelong, the joy was there because of a joyful meal with friends who truly love and never leave me though Iam going through tough times and my mood can get very unstable at times. God is telling me I am not alone through these friends who spent their time with me as they could have spent their time doing things that they like or spent their time with their loved ones and families. Thank you, friends!! Really appreciated deep within me. That was also my first time when I left all the planning and guiding through the trip to my friends. I simply tagged along according to their plans. That was the time when I learnt to let go of control and let the others lead. It was so relaxing to let go and simply tag along.

In the last morning, we went to the beach after a sumptous breakfast buffet at the resort. Once again, God never failed to embrace me with awe and warmth with the seaview. I was embasked in the warmth of God's embrace through the sun. I was soaking my legs in the water and enjoyed God's whisper of love through the waves. That was the first time when I came so near the fishes and hermit crabs. They were all around my legs in the water. The water was really very clear. It draws to my mind about the living water. The seawater was so clear that I could see me legs clearly in the water. It reminds me of purity. When a person is pure with the living water in him, he will see things clearly with wisdom as this wisdom out of the purity of the living water provides such clarity to see people and things with discerment. And, this living water will soothe a person and the person is able to live with such peace within as the living water is working freely in him. My friends and I were admiring the hermit crabs and fishes. When we saw something awesome, we would inform one another not to miss that sight. This taught me that good things are meant to be shared. Only through sharing, the joy may magnify and goes deeper within as the Love through sharing with others is expanding.

One thing pissed me off early in the morning at the restaurant yesterday. We were having breakfast buffet there. When I saw a table full of food in front of me just one metre away from me, I could not help it but complained to my friends. Guess what? There waa a couple who had left the table of food intact and left the restaurant. I just could not keep it to myself. The table of food wasted was an eyesore to me. My friends were also pissed off by it. During the night before, the driver was driving us around and we went through a few areas where the poor were living. When we saw that table of wasted food the last morning, we got even more pissed off as that table of food could have fed a poor family in that area for at least two days. I really wonder what kinds of values have been passed on to the the couple who wasted food in such manner. This really shows the-world-revolves around-them-mentality.  Why can't they open their hearts and minds to see how poor people are struggling around that resort and stop wasting food? Even the service crew shook her head as she was clearing the table. Sigh! To me, it's what the f**k! Nevertheless, I still enjoyed my breakfast with my friends and other people in the restaurant. I was sharing with my friends I have always dreamt of opening a cafeteria as I enjoy seeing people eating with smiles with their loved ones and friends. I remember doing canteen duties in the church. I really love those moments when I was doing canteen duties with the youths. I enjoyed seeing the parishioners eating and chatting happily with one another, building bonds. I enjoyed the duties so much that my youths always had to stop me from overworking. Not that I was noble or kind. It was just that I enjoyed doing the duties so much that I just could not stop. I experienced joy deep within as what I had done in the canteen was giving the parishioners the comfort and space to bond with one another through meals together. My friends were joking with me. They asked me not to offer buffets for my cafeteria as I would go forward to scold people who waste food. Wah lau! My friends are really crappy lo...I think I will have to close down my cafeteria within two days if I were to do that. Am I really such a tigress? Mind you. I am born in the Year of Horse. So, I am a horsy. Don't you think that I look like a horse with a big mouth and teeth? Whahaha....

More birthday celebration coming along the way! Can't believe I am hitting 33 soon. Boo hoo....Lao liao. All my wrinkles and flabby arms and tummy and big hips are showing. I am not even married and given birth yet. Never mind lah. Other than friends who have celebrated my birthday with me, I would also like to thank my friends who have been spending time with me and advising me for the past few days. Thank you for your presence and words. I have thought things through. Time to stop running. All of you have been speaking the same messages which I believe comes from God. I am more assured of what I have been thinking inside my head but just lack of the courage to face it. Thank you for pointing out my mistakes so that I can stop hurting the people concerned. Thank you for reminding me to stop running away. Thank you for your encouragement. I really thank God for such friends. Thank God for all the birthday gifts through these friends! Ok, I will start life anew. I will hang in there with God no matter how tough it is.

Ok, the lazy me is taking leave on this Wednesday to be away from work. Thinking of where I should go on that day. Now time to go back to the boring and dreadful paperwork...

With Love,
Elena