Reflection on the Gospel Reading on 23 August 2011

Mt 23:23-26

Jesus is telling me he looks into my heart. I may be showy about the kind deeds or charity that I have been carrying out. How about my heart? I may also have the danger of trying to prove myself to others that I am a good and holy Christian but my heart is all about myself, bringing glory to myself. I must take care of what is inside; that is my heart where God is. What I mention heart, I am referring to the deepest core self where God dwells. Do I just bypass that heart and do things for my own benefits and gratification? I have seen many people who are active in ministries or in charity work. Sad to say, some of them only have the intention of bringing glory to themselves and trying to prove to others that they are holy. What is in their hearts? Only God knows.


In this morning, through the gospel, Jesus is warning me ‘Blind Pharisee, cleanse first the inside of the cup, so that the outside also may be clean’. In order to truly walk in holiness, it requires one to walk in truth sincerely with the others. It starts from the heart. If the heart is not transformed, no amount of kind deeds or charity done will move me closer to holiness. Instead, these kind deeds or charity done with self centeredness will only lead me to more deception and ultimately, doom. I have been constantly reminded of it as I am surrounded by ‘scribes and Pharisees’. Not that I am judging them. In fact, I am thankful that they are in my life as reminders not to end up like them as I am just as capable of using the poor people or the recipients of my kind deeds or charity as my tools to show others that I am holy. These poor people or recipients of my kind deeds and charity are reduced as objects or tools for my own self centered and I lose sight of Christ in them, focusing on what gain from them instead, i.e. Ego boost, popularity gained from others, ideal image of holiness proven to others, etc.

I always believe that if I do not like certain traits in some people, I may have those very traits lurking somewhere in me. So, when I judge others, I also judge myself. When I learn to be more forgiving and accepting of others, I will also be more forgiving and accepting of myself if anything were to go wrong. In the corporate world, even in church at times, people emphasize on packaging a lot. Even the advertisements or even topics with friends, a lot of emphasis is on the appearance. It is no wonder that more people have neglected what is inside and focus a lot on the appearance while feeling more emptiness inside. People are even willing to go through the pain under the surgical knife for plastic surgery. Being true and sincere nowadays is very rare. If you have such sincere and true people in your lives, treasure them. They are rare gems who dare to be themselves, admitting their vulnerabilities and sins and brokenness instead of putting up false strong, pompous or showy front for others to worship them. Personally, I am blessed to have very few of such gems. Most have passed on. I really treasure the remaining one or two surviving gems in my life now. It comes to my mind if some people are willing to go through the surgical knife for their plastic surgery, why do they not have the courage or awareness to go through the spiritual knife through the Sacrament of Reconciliation to cut the sins or deception off their lives so as to have the radiance from within manifesting out to their appearance? It just puzzles me.

Normally, I work according to people’s working styles. For those people who try to impress and do things for their own self centered benefits, I will advise them once or twice when I forsee things may go wrong. However, if they insist on their ways, I will simply keep quiet and let them learn their lessons. I am not there to prove that I am smarter than them. I also make sure that I do not play God just because I ‘see’ certain things ahead of others at times. I am just doing my best to help. If help is rejected, then I will let go. Currently, the scholar in my workplace is in deep shit. He likes to insist on his ways. Sometimes, he even hinders me from working in my ways and forces me to work his ways which will get him into troubles. He has been trying very hard to cover up his mistakes instead of learning from them and correcting them. Anything not under his care, he simply does not care and insists on his ways even if we have told him it may get us into troubles. He does not share information with us readily and yet he keeps on getting information from us. When it comes to project, he will does his part and go his way. We argued a few times as he does not see how his ways will get him into troubles. I let go of him totally after a few arguments which I see no point in advising or guiding a person if he is so full of himself that there is no space for growth and improvement. He does not learn from his lessons. Now, he has to face his own consequences and fix his problems. I guess for some people, they have to learn in hard ways before they wake up. Hopefully, he will wake up after this major problem that he has to fix.

Ok, I have to go back to my work as I have more reports to write. Cracking my head to justify the costs. I really yearn for a new lifestyle. I am really sick of my life and work. I do not feel fulfilled in my work. So what if I get to do higher level of work? It is not what I want. Still watching ‘Personal preferences’ Korean drama serial to indulge in my romantic fantasy. I may not be called to get married or even be blessed with a boyfriend. I like romance. It is a sweet feeling to be romantically involved and not all people, including myself, may not be blessed with such relationships. So, just indulge in my fantasy to stay balanced and sane from the harsh reality that I am facing. I wonder how it is like to have romantic relationship overseas with a foreigner. It will be novelty filled with surprises and fun. Meanwhile, back to the harsh reality with sharks around to engulf me at anytime.

With Love,
Elena

I AM there for you

Went for 11am mass at my church this morning. We had a surprise guest. He was Fr Joe. He con-celebrated mass with Fr Stephen and Fr JJ. I was very distracted and upset half of the mass. My mind was not there at all. The homily passed by my ears. My mind was busy processing a lot of questions and suppressing my feelings. When I saw Fr Joe first came into the main church, I got a shock. I could not believe he was the Fr Joe I used to know. Before I knew it, my tears were going to roll down. Somehow, it pained me in my heart to see a plump and healthy Fr Joe turning into someone I could not recognize if I were to bump into him along the street. As I was sitting right in the first row of the pews, I was busy fighting back to swallow my tears as I did not want to show him any expression of pity or sadness which might aggravate his inner feelings. I was very upset within. He has aged a lot and lost a lot of weight. When I mention ‘a lot’, I really mean drastic change beyond recognition to me. What makes it hard to swallow my tears is my gratitude towards him when I was going through hell in church. He welcomed me back to church though he had his doubts towards me. However, he cast his doubts aside and decided to welcome me back to church. He even treated me with some food when I was studying for my exams. He never failed to make me feel welcome.


Fr Joe did speak a few words about his medical journey as we were all concerned. He was silly to even ask us if we would welcome him back to church for masses. Of course, we welcome him lah. All of us miss him a lot. I could see he was really appreciative towards Fr Stephen for allowing him to come back for masses with us. He even thanked Fr JJ for calling him every few days to talk to him. This comes to my mind what ‘I AM there for you’ is all about through Fr JJ. Fr JJ is facing certain issues in his life which he does not easily show. Some people thought he is living in his world when he actually knows more than anyone else. When a person is silent, it does not mean that he does not know anything or he is living in his world. It’s just that he may not be the person to deal with the issues or he is not ready to face those issues. Or, he does not see the need to get involved into any politics where he cannot help at all. However, if you need him, he is always there. He does not get swayed easily by people to side anyone. People went to hi to bad mouth me. He asked me about the issue and chose to trust me. So far, in my communication with him, I have never felt a tint of biases or sarcasm from him at all. That is why I have never done anything to go against his trust. I feel God’s unwavering love through his unshaken trust in me. Fr JJ’s act of calling Fr Joe every few days shows God’s love to Fr Joe. This shows that he is always there for Fr Joe. I AM there for you is what Fr JJ is doing in the love of God. I AM is Jesus. I AM there is Jesus appearing in the faces of people who are there to love and care with the Spirit of Love. Yes, we cannot suffer in the place of Fr Joe. Yes, we cannot die for anyone just like how anyone could not die in the place of Jesus. At least, by being present, by being that I AM there for you, reminds the person who is sick or suffering in any ways that they are treasured and precious to God no matter how worthless or helpless or useless they may feel they are. I was very touched by Fr JJ’s act of con-celebrating the mass with Fr Joe around. It really shows his love for Fr Joe and treasure every moment with him while he can though Fr JJ is not feeling well himself nowadays. It is about being there for Fr Joe. Fr JJ really exemplifies that I AM there for you as God’s face of love to Fr Joe.

I always see holiness in Fr JJ though he may not be eloquent or well known to others. He does not show any grandiosity or pomp in whatever he does. When he cares, he does not show off. He will care in his small little ways. Only the recipients will know his generous acts most of the time. I am proud to be loved by that I AM through Fr JJ’s presence at my church to welcome me no matter how long I have strayed away. He is always there for ANYONE. He does not select people to serve. Holiness is also about going beyond your likes and dislikes in the midst of purification here on earth. It is not about personal goal where I want to be seen as clean from sins and appear high and mighty beyond some people’s reach. That may be the worldly definition of holiness. Holiness is about not being tainted by any hatred, biases, self centered. When love is purified and real with holiness, it goes beyond personal preference for the universal love that knows no boundaries or stereotyping or biases. It is about Love for all. Nobody is deemed unworthy of such Love. On my birthday last month, I visited Fr JJ. I praised him honestly that I have always looked up upon him as the gentle lamb as my role model. Guess how he answered me? With his usual humility, he was shy about it and answered me with his usual gentle smile, ‘If you look up to me, you won’t see me up there. You should look down.’ Well it makes sense for him to say that. It further emphasizes the Spirit of Love without show but with humility. I was very touched that he even shared with me his own fears and issues as a human being though he is a priest.

I always believe in out of sight, out of mind, especially in the world where a lot of things and people are vying for our attention. Fr Joe’s presence at IHM reminds me that life can be so fragile. Anyone can collapse at any time. It is up to us to be the face of I AM there for you for the people who are suffering or sick in any ways to be loved and feel worthy. Emails or cards or words can only do so much to convey certain messages. Our presence even without much words sends message of love with more impact to the recipients who can experience love at a deeper level through our physical presence. For me, though without major health issues, a person’s presence is more than enough for me whenever I am sick or suffering. Words to me are meaningless during times of suffering or sickness as I do not even have the energy to read any emails or even hear the words at times. In Fr Joe’s case, I simply went to him after mass. He held on to my elbow and then, I held his and said, ‘Fr, take care.’ I just want him to know that I am also there for him.

I also thank God for giving me opportunities to be one of the faces of I AM there for you to Fr Joe. In a way, God is telling me I am capable of being one of His faces to others and it gives me the confidence to reach out to the others. I am also thankful that some people still trust and love me no matter how some people used to accuse me of breaching confidentiality or spread rumours about me in any ways when I did not do any of those. They still confide in me their deep fears and issues. God further assures me that He trusts me by entrusting me to work in my current position where absolute keeping of confidentiality to myself is necessary. I often do not believe in fights or to prove to others. God will intervene and protect me as long as I am right with Him. People who are pure and real in heart can see the truth. The world does not revolve around me. It is about how we can love others and self truly. Imagine a case where one of the saints has been exposed to love in the public and abuse whenever nobody was looking and bought his sainthood. Do you think there is any holiness in that person though he has been known as a saint? Holiness and truth can never be separated from each others. That is why Jesus is the Truth, the Way and the Life towards holiness. He has never mentioned I am the Liar, the Way and the Life. Lies will only lead to death if one refuses to face the truth and declare the truth. Lies means denial in some ways to cover certain sins or mistakes. How can one move towards holiness when one does not even have courage to admit and acknowledge his sins for God to help him?

This world emphasizes a lot on packaging. Appearing holy or smart does not mean that a person is really holy or smart. Empty vessels make the most noise. I always look for people who have the humility before I even look out for other traits. I even see how some church people condemn priests or people who do not dress well but come with wisdom and humility, and pass sarcastic remarks around about them, while worshipping priests who groom themselves well. I really pity these people who have lost the treasures in their lives. Nothing wrong with priests grooming themselves well. The issue is these people have chosen to judge a book by its cover. They have lost the opportunities to learn from the priests who are humble and wise.

Personally, I prefer to see my loved one at least weekly or fortnightly to keep the relationships going. If I do not see a person for more than 3 months, that person more or less is out of my life. In my case, emails or letters or any writing materials do not keep me connected with a person as I tend to be distracted easily. I really appreciate people who are physically there for me or bother to look for me or visit me. It means I am worthy of their time and they show me that I am loved by them. It is such quality time with them that I treasure a lot.

Ok, going for a movie at CineiLeisure later. Having KTV at Clarke Quay after work with a friend tomorrow. Time to KBKB (Kao Bei Kao Bu. That means cry father cry mother ) through the songs. Poor friend of mine has to endure my chicken slaughtering voice. Need a break during my peak period at work. I am still sick with my painful foot. Really need to run around abit as I was resting at home for the whole day yesterday, watching ‘Personal Preferences’ Korean drama serial. As usual, that is the only time when I am indulging into romantic fantasy behind closed doors before I face my daily harsh reality. Funny thing is my friends always tell me I resemble the naughty leading male characters in a few Korean Drama serials while I do identify myself with a few female leading characters with careless and disorganized traits and craziness who keep on getting into troubles. I am a blur cock. I remember watching Harry Potter recently without realizing I was watching a 3D version. I ended up sleeping for 20 mins as my head could not take in too much stimulation from the 3D impact. The other show I watched was R21 and I did not realize it until I was watching it. Sometimes, I also get into trouble in church as I just go for events without knowing who the spiritual director is or who is involved. People invite me and I just go without thinking much. In the end, I get into trouble. I always bur blur most of the time. I wonder if I will ever blur blur marry the wrong guy. If I ever become a bus driver, do not take the bus I am driving as I may drive you to a cemetery other than the stipulated destination. I think I am better off alone. I will start planning to travel around the world by myself though it may be dangerous to travel alone. I simply can't fit into any groups. I do not want to listen to any more complaints about me being the trouble. I have concluded I am better off alone. I will still reach out to others. But, I think people like me should be loners. No matter what, I still have the desire to travel around the world. Yes, it is lonely to travel alone. But, life is not about what I want though I may desire to have someone to travel with me. I guess maybe, I am better off alone though this journey is lonely. Ok, time to go for the show. Hope you have a nice new week.

With Love,
Elena

Two Sides of a Coin

Today is not even Friday, the 13th. Things are not right since this morning. I am sick from head to toe. Having headache now due to my low blood pressure with stomach cramp. Since last night, my left foot has been very painful even if I am resting my legs. So, I have been limping. Also don't know the cause of it. The pain can be unbearable at times. Have to miss lunchtime mass as I am falling sick from head to toe.

I blew up this morning. Other than the scholar giving problems, this other woman whom I shall name as H keeps on giving me problems. She tend to push her jobs to me without clear instructions and asks me to figure her things out for myself. Hello, those tasks are not even mine. I am just doing her favours. In this morning, I simply blew up. I confessed that I am also tied down by my various tasks and I am not sitting there waiting for her to throw me her tasks and asking me to figure out her tasks. She is supposed to give me figures for her project and she simply asked me to source for vendor for her project and put in the figure for her. Hello, that is her project. Why am I responsible for her budget? Might as well give me her pay. She is one person who will turn things around suddenly and I may get into trouble. Helping her is no issue. But, being responsible for her job is an issue. Why can't an adult like her be more responsible for her own things? When I was asked to handle some events which used to be handled by her, she would try to dominate. Hello, I did not ask the monster to give me the projects. Stop making things difficult for me. I am just here to work and get my pay and go home. I just want to do my best here while I can. I have no intention to show anyone how capable I am. She also gives my other colleague problems and my colleague would raise her voice at her. I know my other colleagues may have misunderstood that I am unhelpful as they do not know the story behind. Well, this is not the first time that I am misunderstood by people. So be it. I am too sick to explain anything. I know I have done my best.

I have taken on too many roles at work.  So much so that my brain cannot process other things after work. Even my RO is concerned if I can cope.My spiritual life suffers as I do not even have time for meditation in the morning. Sometimes, I even have to skip masses or simply forget the masses altogether. I have no time for any other things or people. At least, I still make sure that I pray to God at the beginning and end of each day. For leisure, I would keep up with my reading on Art Therapy for various conditions. Now, I am touching on the topic of Substance Abuse. I really really need a break.

Nevertheless, I am blessed to have some funny colleagues. Wah lau, one of my colleagues asked me to act in a very short skit where I was acting as a rude staff who ignored everyone when people greeted me. They joked that I look fierce and I am the best person for this role. I did not have to act for this scene and I just had to be myself with black face. After the shoot, my colleagues commented that they could not stand seeing me rolling my eyes. On a separate occasion, my other male colleague asked me to drink more papaya milk as we were looking at the pictures of some leaders' daughters with big boobs. He was implying my figure is like the Changi Airport runway lah. The plane can travel on the flat runway without any bump lo. Whahaha!! Singaporeans should thank 'runway' like us to be the best airport in the world for a few years. I am not angry at all when I am criticized in these ways. In fact, we laugh alot out of it. Sometimes, we do not have to take things too seriously. Imagine if I were to be sensitive over such things, I will never be happy. As long as they are just joking and not doing it out of sarcasm or abusing me, why not be a fool to cheer everyone up? I also have helpful colleagues from other department who go out of their ways to assist me. I really appreciate that. I do admit that I have black face at work as I am taking on too many roles while dealing with two difficult colleagues and a monster which most people are not aware of and doing a job which I do not fit in at all. These three people are enough to give me hell. How to be happy? I do joke around alot with my own team and some young colleagues. Other than that, I would maintain my stoic professional look which people find intimidating at times.

I am feeling very drained and sick and tired now. No time to rest. Ok, meeting friends tonight for a nice meal. Then, KTV in the evening on Monday. I need the break. Going to catch up with my sleep over the weekend as I did not sleep last night due to the pain on my left foot and stomach cramp. Well, my health has been my greatest cross. I have to accept it as part of my life. Sometimes, I think my health issue is for my own good as I tend to burn myself out without knowing. My poor health will force me to slow down before I overexhaust myself. Imagine if I am very healthy, I will end up refusing to rest as I tend to run around everywhere. Even for now, my RO knows that my mind will always think far ahead.  I truly rest whenever I am sick. If not, my mind and body will work very hard most of the time. So, certain issues or things which seem bad like a poor health may turn out to save your life. There are always two sides of the coin. It depends on which side you choose to see. If you choose to focus on the negativity, even good news or plesant things may seem ugly or bad to you. Take some time to see how your flaws can turn around for you to use positively for the good of others and growth for yourself. 'Flaws' is just a term that human being uses to indicate traits that we have used or abused resulting in negative outcomes. It does not mean these flaws can never be traits that can be used wisely resulting in positive outcomes. Things are dead. Human beings are flexible. See how you can turn these flaws into positive traits for the good of others and your own growth. When use them with the Spirit of Love, you will never go wrong.

Enjoy your weekends. :)

With Love,
Elena

'Murder'

Have just read about a devastating news about a disabled boy being beheaded by his dad in USA. It is heart-rending to see such news. I really feel for the mother who had taken much pain to take care of the son, only to be decapitated by her own spouse. The most disgusting matter was the murderer, who was her own spouse and father to the boy, left his head by the road to make sure she saw it. Another news about a body found outside the Istana in Singapore was discovered. What has the world become? Why do people seem to kill one another like slaughtering a chicken for food? Something has been turning in my mind. There are more news about such gruesome murders. Is the increase of more of such news reported is due to the more advanced technology and media to expose such issues which might not be exposed in the past due to poorer communication tools available or is it due to the fact that the people are getting more sick? I am not sure. I do not have any statistics to back up any information on it.

Coming back to the news of the 7 year old disabled boy being decapitated by his own dad. I have a lot of questions swarming in my mind. How did his dad have the 'heart' to decapitate his own flesh and blood with his own hands? Was he really out of his mind due to the long term mental and physical torture of having to take care of his own disabled son? Had he ever thought that his son suffered the most? What did his son do to deserve to be disabled? He was only 7 year old. Nobody with a bit of conscience would be so cruel to behead such a young child and actually hang his head by the road. Did this murder end the suffering of the son or deprive him of enjoying the creation of God in the world? How about the mother? How is she going to face such cruel and cold fact that her own spouse has killed their fruit of Love? This fruit may be defective. But, it is still the fruit of Love no matter how defective. If compared to the murderer, the murderer is more defective. Does it mean that he has to shoot himself for being so sick? At least, the disability of his son had not intentionally hurt others while his own psychotic sickness had destroyed a life. To me, the mother would have to carry this pain for the rest of her life, i.e. a loved one destroyed another helpless loved one. Will this trauma affect her for the rest of her life, especially her relationship with the others since her other half (her spouse) had done something cruel and drastic that also kills part of her inside? Will the murderer ever regret if he looks back at what he has done? A lot more questions just keep on appearing in mind...

According to my observation, there are many forms of murder. Not just the physically ones but also the mental, emotional and spiritual ones where one intends to satisfy his wants and needs and 'kills' others that hinder him. Are we aware that words from our mouths and spreading rumours also kill others? Are we aware that letters to someone's superior just to get him out of a place is killing a person? When a person can't grow, he is dead. If I am the person who has done something in any ways to stop the person from growing, I am 'murdering'. I am 'killing' the person. It is even worse that people 'kill' in the name of just and holiness. Personally, I have encountered some people who had written letters to a leader's superior just to get him out of the place as she thought he was a lousy leader. When reading the letter showed to me, she simply wrote out of biases and her strong dislike towards him. I was thinking to myself she was killing him with the nasty words used in the letter as she showed me the letter. She did not give the leader some space or chance to stay to improve or grow. Well, her petition failed. I heard from the others that the leader did try to make some improvement over his one year of leadership until he fell sick suddenly. If her letter succeeded in getting him out of the place, the leader would be 'killed' of the opportunity to grow and improve. Anyway, the same woman 'killed' me with words from her mouth many times by saying nasty things to me directly or spread rumours to other people about things that I had never done which she was doing herself. I have never confronted her as I believe God will do something about it. I got very angry but no need to fight or prove myself to her. I just need to account to the people involved with the issue and most importantly, God. She was the same person with strong dislike or like. Once she likes someone, she will follow him day and night and tries to get others away from him. Once she dislikes someone, she will 'kill' that person by being nasty with her words and behaviour.

Try to take a few moments. Reflect on whether you have 'murdered' anyone through your words or actions. Have you sent any letters or emails to destroy someone or deprived of anyone from growing or improving? Have you ever spread rumours about anyone to 'kill' that person's reputation or just to gain favour from someone you like? Have you ever 'killed' the person just to protect yourself or cover up what you have done?  Have you ever tried to win people over so that you could 'kill' that person with isolation and ostracization? Are there any other occasions where you have 'killed' a person in any ways just to get what you want like status, popularity, wealth, fame, etc.? Have you ever 'killed' a person out of hatred or strong dislike through your nasty words and behaviour? Have you ever 'killed' someone just to win an argument out of pride or for your own ego? The danger is have you ever in the name of holiness or in any ways, in attaining your holiness as your main personal goal that you have gone to extremes to 'kill' people whom you deem are hindrances to your holiness? When things are carried to the extremes, even in the name of pursuing holiness for self at the expense of everyone, murder occurs. Trust me. Reflect on it at a deeper level. Pursuing holiness becomes a personal affair with God and all other people become your tools. Sometimes, even not doing anything when needed 'kills' a person. When a person who needs help or attention and yet you choose to ignore, you may be 'murdering' the person as the person is 'bleeding' to death. So, the term, 'murder', is not confined to the physical act of killing. You may lift them up to God in the light by acknowledging then with repentant hearts. The Sacrament of Reconciliation is the best platform for this as you verbalize thse sins to God in the face of the priest. Always remember that you are not confessing to a priest. You are confessing to God in the face of a physical person. This especially comforting notn just spiritually but also psychologically as the first step to repent is to admit your sins and dare to voice them out with repentance, asking God for forgiveness. It also takes a lot of humilty and courage to admit the sins in front of another priest. It is therapeutic to hear from God through the priest for yourself that your sins are absolved and you are forgiven. This is how powerful the Sacrament of Reonciliation is not just in the sipirtual arena but also a psychological one. Then, also pray for healing not just for yourself but also your 'victims'. This will help you to be more compassionate towards the others by praying for the others instead of just for yourself. You will learn to expand the Kingdom of God beyond your own world connecting with the others.

That's all my sharing. Not sure if anyone reads my blog. Well, whatever I have, I will just share. If God sends you to read my blog entry, hope it helps you in any small ways. I am not a great person doing great things. However, I do hope that I can doing small little things with Love while I am still living. God bless.

With Love,
Elena

Repeated sin due to impatience and arrogance

Have just come back from a long walk from lunch break. During this period of time, it is peak period at work again. Have to handle a few projects at the same time. I am working to and fro among a few tasks at the same time, i.e. there are many files opening on my computer screen at the same time. All come with tight deadlines. My brain has to keep shifting and changing among the tasks. As usual, I am depending on caffeine to survive. My migraine keeps on coming back again. Sigh! I was so sick from my migraine that I forgot totally about the Assumption of Mary yesterday and missed the mass last night. I even missed my lunchtime mass and almost forgot my lunch on last Friday. From last Friday onwards, my brain is always dead by the end of each day. Once I am busy with my work, food and God are forgotten, leaving me spiritually and physically hungry without knowing for a period of time until I burn out at the end of my peak period. Sometimes, my brain just could not function at all after work. The monster is getting crazy again. She has shot me with an email on something very minor. I am not sure how to reply her email. Neverthelss, I need to reply her soon as I need to purchase some software for the department. She has been throwing her tantrums around as usual. A few of us have been shot by her. As usual, the scholar is handling only a few things and taking long time to complete them. That explains why I have most bulk of the work whenever he complains that he is busy. Nowadays, my attitude towards him sucks. I try not to as this is not a way to treat anyone. But, he is getting on my nerves. I am fighting for time to complete many things at the same time and yet the meeting drags because it takes longer time for him to see the association of things. Worse still, he tries to argue he is right. I have to shut him up most of the time. If you are stupid, admit lah. What's wrong with being stupid? Why argue for the sake of acting to be smart? If you admit you do not know certain things, people can teach you instead of arguing to appear to be smart. I did confess to Fr JJ about my impatience towards the scholar and my attitude. See, I repeat my sin. I have to remind myself that Jesus knew much more than me and yet never for once, he was ever arrogant or boastful or kept things meant to be shared to himself.

Have reflected on a blog entry by Fr Ron. I admit I tend to be harsh with my words at times even if things are true. Well, I am still learning not to be too harsh. By being righteous does not mean that I have the rights to be harsh. Righteousness should come with compassion. If the Spirit of Love does not accompany righteousness, I can become self righteous without mercy. I know I have the tendency to be impateint with people who are slower than me and sound harsh with them at times. Those are the times when I sin with my words where I may sound verbally abusive. I need to constantly remind myself that I have flaws like everyone. Just as God is patient with me, I must be patient with everyone else. I have also met many people, especially the priests' pets, to be abusive with their words. Their words really cut you to the core from their mouths beneath that in the name of God, Holiness, etc. I have also heard about how some of them use words as weapons to slander, spread rumours, accuse and frame others in the name of doing charity, protecting priests, God, etc. for their hidden agendas or benefits. These are the overlays where one has to be careful and discern if the people involved are giving the right information or truth. Such overlays will easily hurt the victims of the gossips, rumours, slanders, etc. Personally, at work or in church or even in my personal social circle, I do not like to listen to others blindly without finding out the truth about the victims. Based on experience, most victims are innocent and I become their good friends until I leave the places. They are not as bad as they have deemed to be. It's just that most of the time, the people who do not agree with him/her magnifies his/her flaws. I have even managed to help them start anew somehow.  Even if the person is bad in some ways, does it mean that I have to condemn him/her? I can only try my best to be friends with him/her and advise and encourage him/her. Other than that, it is up to his/her free will to do what he/she wants in his/her life.

Ok, I have to go back to my work. Still praying to see if I have a chance to study. The career fair was disappointing as I could not find any resources on psychology. I am still stuck. Personally, I am still studying my Art Therapy book. I am now moving on to depression topic. Psychology always fascinates me as it seems to be mysterious. When combined with Theology, the synergy is powerful and limitless. Psychology is the scientific way of studying individual while Theology is the language of the mystery of Love. When combining them, it gives a more comprehensive and deeper insight into the creation of God and God as the Creator, Himself. That is why I have always wanted to study psychology. As for Theology, I can always read more spiritual materials since I won't have any opportunities to go for higher studies on that as I am neither a religious sister nor priest. So far, for theology, I have managed to gain insight through readings and meditation and even through nature ,and confirmed by further readings and talks from priests and spiritual writers that I am on the right track. As for psychology, I really hope to specialize in it so that I can combine it with theology as a profession of a psychologist to help others directly not just in psychological arena but also spiritual one. Normally, I feel most fulfilled whenever I have managed to help or guide others to get out of their ruts or see new direction. I believe study should be lifelong. I love to study. People keep on thinking that I am a university student as I always carry a book around. Not for show. But, I love studying what I enjoy. Better still, what I have been studying helps others in any small ways. Being smart is no big deal. I am not here to show off as there are many more people in the world smarter than me. Rather, I hope to impart or share all that I know with the others for others to further elaborate or express these ideas for the good of others even if nobody knows I come up with the ideas. Ultimately, the owner of every idea and thing is God.

With Love,
Elena

Leaving the stage of palace

Have started going back to my church. I had a very 'shiok' Eucharistic celebration with the community. I felt welcome back to church. As usual, I was sitting with this family whom I am comfortable with. As usual, I had my breakfast in church before the mass. The feeling was so free without disturbance. I had a nice chat with some parishinoers, finding out what they are working as. It was a nice experience to be back to church after missing (pun) Sunday masses for so many months to a year. The next direction is I need to discern where I should serve. Since I have just gone back to church, I need to spend more time with God and wherever He calls me to, I will serve there.

I met up with my church friend after mass. I was quite irritated as she started to talk about the person I name as A. She told me a group of them wanted to bid A farewell before he left and they found out which Sunday mass he was in before he left. Then, my friend and she did not go. Only his fan and her family went. Actually, I was going to tell her I was not interested in what A is doing with all his fans and other women. I just can't be bothered. He is neither my boyfriend nor my spouse. Why do they have to report to me what they are doing with him? My friend was either out to make me jealous that she could go and see him but had chosen not to or just tried to tell me how fanatic his fans were. Either way, I am simply not interested. I am just sick of this whole fans club issue.



Deep down, I know I am disgusted with A and his fans. I have even deleted his blog link from my favorites. I wonder if he knows that his exclusive leadership style has caused the women to fight against one another because of him. I am simply sick of seeing such scenes. I remember I was suffering from a trauma and my church friends were comforting me as I was in shock. Guess what his fan did. She went on and on about the crucifix that A had given her while the rest of them did not listen to her, trying to comfort me. That was how ridiculous and abnormal his fans could be in obsessing with him. When the other fan of his wanted to join in a particular church group, this fan of his bad mouthed her and refused to allow her to join the group. The other fans like the ones who visited him during his last Sunday mass here are more ridiculous. It is obvious that she is obsessed with him. She even stopped me from mingling with his closer pets when his closer pets wanted to join me for breakfast after jogging. A few of his fans warned me to stay away from him and emphasized he was disgusted with me and yet they stick to him day and night, even following him when he was exercising. A good Christian will never divide. He/She will try to help others to reconcile or even tries to corect him/her if necessaryb to walk closer to God and serve together for the good of others. Obviously, these fans of his enjoy hoarding him with hidden agendas. I do not blame the fans entirely for this. He has a part in it. He allows them to hoard him. If I were to follow him, he would shout at me and abuse me verbally. As for them, he would never shout at them. In fact, he enjoys them following him wherever he goes. He has double standards in doing things. It is so obvious that they have hidden agendas in sticking with him and yet he has never scolded them and even enjoys them sticking with him day and night. Guess what is the difference between them and me. I am poor and not as capable as them to play politics. As for them, they are rich aunties who do not have to work but to accompany him day and night. Some of them can even provide him with resources and money for his projects and even comfort. They boost his ego. The worst thing is most of them prevent others from going close to him and forming true friendships. They even fight against one another to gain favour from him. Their fighting style is like his leadership style. They choose people in their elite group. Anyone who fails can never go near him and he will be nasty towards them. For his fans, he will stick with them day and night even if he knows they have hidden agendas. This will only cause fights and divisions in the community.

Anyway, I look down upon them deep within. Yes, even A even though I love him. He is not responsible with his words and actions. He kept on coming back to my church or hang around the area near my church despite him being sent to somewhere else to serve and after I had told him I could feel his presence if he kept on hanging around the area. Why? The fans are crazy about him here. He needs their attention and resources for his projects and comfort. I am sorry to say that I am disgusted with him deep within though I have tried my best to encourage and comfort him as a friend. I have seen how he flirted with them and some of them even described to me how he got their attention. They tend to have the tendency to use the name of God to do charity work or reach out. But, when looking at a deeper level, they form this elite group to boost each other's ego. See how they treat people outside the group and you will know what I am trying to say. Anyway, I am blessed that God has always protected me from A. A does not dare to own his feelings and behaviour. All he does is escape. He is a coward to me. That is why I have never looked up to him as my role model. He is far from it. He justifies things and lies alot to appear holy and protect himself very well. For his blog, he will try all ways to prove how he has done his well in his role and upkeep his holy image. Is that true? Only he knows. I can't even imagine him in charge of a big place. I can forsee more divisions if he still leads in that way. More fights in church, especially women who are crazy over him. His uniform has become hindrance for him from touching more people though his eloquence has touched many people. It has become his ego boost. Fortunately, most people do not know him well enough. So, his eloquence and show can inspire these people towards holiness. Good in a way to draw some people who do not know him well closer to church.



I will never want such person to be my spouse. We will end up in divorce. If a person does not even own his feelings and behaviour and leads women on for his own purposes and hidden agendas, he will never be responsible for big things and his family. I am really not interested in his affairs with them. I hope they will stop these nonsense. These nonsense will only add on to the disgust I have already had towards them and him. I do pity them to a certain extent as they survive on such petty and superficial matters. Fans' hearts will change. Once they have found another idols, you will be out of the picture. Once you are not their idealized image, you will be condemned. See if they stand by you if you are married. They will condemn you like you have murdered. For the fans, can he marry you? Are you here to idolize God or a man? Sometimes, I really wonder why these married women who have their spouses at home have chosen to accompany this idol day and night. Don't they feel ashamed of themselves? I pity their husbands. These women are even jealous of the other women when their idol gets close to these other women. Aiyo. I just do not understand what this is all about. It is like concubines fighting for king's favour and liking. How old are they? Still playing such games? I would not be surprised if some of them follow him all the way to where he is now. He will definitely enjoy the company. I really find it disgusting they use the name of the God to do charity work as elite group on one hand and yet hurt others whom they do not like or worse still, they fight against other people who seem to be close to their idol on the other hand.

I really treasure the peace and friendships I have with the others in church. I am also trying to improve my friendships with some priests here. I will never ever want to be involved with the concubine fights. They can have him to themselves and he can continue his luxurious life of leading women on and following him day and night. If they disturb me again, they will really get it. I hope they will behave themselves appropriately, especially in church. I do not need such irresponsible coward to be my role model. I am angry not because I am not his pet. I am angry because I have seen for myself for years the mess he has created and left behind each time after he has left a place. If he continues his ways, he will only sin more while serving in his uniform. I will leave him to his pets to take care of him. Anyway, he only allows them into his world. I have done more than enough liao and I have to stop being cruel to myself. I also deserve to be loved as a child of God. A has never cared about my feelings and well being. I strongly trust God for protecting me from his pets and him and God has sent him away from for me to start anew with my church friends here. I strongly believe if I am called to be married, He will bless me a man of strong faith who loves me as who I am and protects me from harm. God knows my desire deep within. I do not have to fight like cats and dogs like his pets to gain favour. What I look for is someone who really loves me as part of himself and never leaves me. As for A and his pets, they can continue to hug one another for the rest of their lives. I just do not wish to get involved with their affairs. Here, I am starting anew with my friends in church. At least, God loves me so much that He chooses to send him faraway for me to start anew with the people here. All I want now is to work with the people here for the good of the others.

WIth Love,
ELena

Starting church life anew

I took leave yesterday to settle my spiritual life. I decided to go back to church after my loved one has left as I am assured that I am not one of his fans to lure him back to our church and hoard him. I do not want to lead him to sin. I am not helping him by keeping on luring him back to church more often like his pets as his time should have been spent on his own people where he was sent to serve. For the first time, I really feel free that I do not sense his presence lurking around that area and I was free to roam around my own church. I had a good confession with my priest. As I had not gone for confession for one year, he prepared me well for the confession, encouraging me not to be ashamed and scared of my sins. He listened to my confession attentively and welcome me back to the church. That was how I had a nice start going back to church with my grandpa priest welcoming me back. He told me he missed me sitting right in front of him during masses. A few parishioners talked to me and welcome me back. They asked me why I had disappeared. I just told them I was very busy and it is the right time to go back to church now. No sarcastic remarks from anyone. As usual, my loved one's pet came to me, talking to me. I was quite blessed that I was talking to another parishioner that she could not talk too much to me. I had my first communion after not receiving it for many months to a year. The feeling is damn shiok. I really felt I belonged to a community. I know God looks into my heart and knows I have been wanting to go back to my community. Due to some reasons of not wanting to sin like those pets, I avoided going back. So, here, I am back to my own church again. As usual, I joined those aunties to exercise. Now, I have to discern where to serve. Thinking of RCIA and youth ministry. My strength is in sharinng so far. But, I need to see where God is leading me to.

My focus will be on my community now. For my loved one, I have decided to let him go. I think he needs his pets, status, holy image, limelight on the stage, comfortable life more than me. He does truly serve. But, on the other hand, most of the time, he does not practise what he preaches. He mentioned about not attaching to things and people and yet I had to leave my church for quite some time because he kept on reminding his pets with his presence by keeping on coming back to my church often. He might or might not realize that he was not helping his pets to grow with the priests and other people in my church. Sometimes, his pets even fought against each other just to gain his favour which I saw with my own eyes. I guess he was insecure about his pets forgetting him. People like him should get married. The kind of attention and care he needs can never come from a community and the women around him, especially the married ones. Some of them did not even dress appropriately at times. The kind of attention and care that he needs should come from a spouse. He has got himself stuck with certain people at very unhealthy level. God has been sending him signals that it is time to leave these people and focus on serving people wherever he goes by sending him further and further away from his pets. Doesn't he realize that? But, he will never do so even if he realizes that as he is too comfortable with his life inside and sticking to these pets. He can still continue to justify why he is inside and what he has been doing. But, when one really looks at the behaviour, one would know that he knows he cannot survive outside which is why he has to stay inside no matter what. Anyway, what can he do if he is out? I should get worried more about myself. At least, he does not need to earn a single cent for his living and can even enjoy material comforts and wants from the others throughout his life. Waht he needs is not higher education as intellectually, he is already there. What he needs is true experience of suffering and sacrifices and his deep needs to be filled. I doubt if he ever knows what hardship is as he was born rich and has been pampered by his pets though he does sacrifice in his own little ways but not deep enough for his growth. By pampering him, he is not going to grow much. Personally, I think that he will grow much deeper in faith and love if he is married as he will get the attention and care that fills his needs deep within from a spouse and he will experience what sacrifices mean when he earns a living and brings his own children up and set up his own family out of Love. I am quite blessed that he is not my spouse as I do not think he is capable of hardship outside. Not looking down upon him. Just a fact. For him, his pets are more than enough. For the past few years, I have done more than enough for him. I even had to leave my own church despite misunderstanding from people. I know I am silly as he has never loved me and considered my feelings. All he wanted was to keep on going back for his pets for his own feelings and benefits. He only cares about his holy image. He does not even dare to own his feelings and behaviour. He simply loves himself more than anyone and protects himself very well. I will leave him to his pets to take care of him. I will start life anew in my church and focus on helping out as much as I can until he comes back for his pets.

Ok, my close friend is giving me pressure now. She wants to see me. She claimed that she is diagnosed with cancer at initial stage. I am not sure if I should see her. I am really afraid I will be affected by her mood as she has been suicidal. I am not sure if I can cope with her. I used to have my guy friend to handle her with me. Now, I am alone. I am not sure if I should see her. For many years, I simply do not know what to do with her. I am feeling helpless. Have to pray and discern what I should do with her, especially when she is so sensitive now.

Enough of my sharing here. Recently, I have been busy watching 'You are beautiful' Korean drama series. That is when I indulge into the romantic side of me before I go out into the world with my strong front. This modern fairy tale describes three male characters liking one female leading character. The leading female and male characters love each other and yet they keep on misunderstanding each other while the second male character likes and protects the female character silently. I identify more with the female leading character though my friend told me I reminded her of the male leading character who was bad tempered and obsessed with cleanliness and naughty. I identified more with the female leading character as we are both silly in romantic affairs and we are Catholics. She also did all she could to comfort, encourage, be there for him. Do all women become stupid when it comes to love? She still did that for him even though she thought he loved the other woman. Her feelings describe exactly how I am feeling now especailly the songs sung in the show. She went through hell keeping all feelings and hurt to herself especially when she saw him going out closely with another woman day and night and even kissed that woman in front of her. That woman went all out to hurt this female leading character. The song describes you rather pretend not see that he is looking at you, you pretend not to hear anything, etc. But, she is much better off than me as the male leading character truly loved her and protected her and was with her to go through thick and thin with her no matter what even though he used to be nasty towards her. I still have not finished watching it. I guess she would marry this man in the end. This is how I am indulging into my own romantic fantasy before I leave my room to face the harsh reality that such man will never exist in the world. I am still praying for a chance to study Psychology. I really do not like my job now. No sense of fulfillment at all. I am still studying my Art Therapy textbook on Schizophrenia topic now. I really yearn to study. Am I going to be stuck in this job forever?

With Love,
Elena

Watching a loved one helplessly with pain out of Love while giving him all my blessings no matter what

I had a good talk with my youth friend at the airport till 2am plus in this morning. My prompting never fails to bring me to people who really need someone to talk to badly. If I had not heeded my prompting, my friend would have continued to keep things that hurt her deep within and continue to get stuck. She talked about her feelings and thoughts and all I did was to advise and asked her to get guidance from her godparents. Hope that helps her. So, my direction of going back to the church is affirmed with her being the first person from the church to get help from me.


God never fails to protect us no matter who we are. He loves us as who we are. My friend told me she prayed for a person to be there for her to open up to. I suddenly smsed her for a movie and she offered her the chance to confide in me. I told her to thank God and have confidence in prayers. I also share about myself. Often, I do not believe in being the saviour where I help people as my projects towards holiness and yet not share about my life. Friendship always involves two- way communication and sharing. If only one way, I really do not know what you should term that.

We watched a movie ‘The Zookeeper’. It was enlightening though hilarious. It was about this zookeeper who went to be a dealer for luxurious cars, becoming who he was not for the sake of winning the heart of his ex-girlfriend who had rejected his proposal five years ago. He even used his female colleague from the zoo as his tool by asking her to act as his girlfriend to show the ex-girlfriend and plotted to win the ex-girlfriend over. It hurt the female colleague and she quit her job at the zoo as she did not want to face him anymore since she felt the pain for him, watching him becoming who he was not for the sake of becoming an image which his ex-girlfriend wanted after she had asked him if he really wanted to do that and he replied with a definite ‘Yes’. Ultimately, good for the zookeeper that he discovered he was never happy about the changes he imposed on himself to be who he was not for the sake of his ex-girlfriend. He mustered his courage and made the wise decision of leaving the dealer’s job and prestigious life with his ex-girlfriend and went back to the zoo to be who he was and got back the woman whom he truly loved and that was the female colleague who was used by him as a tool. This show reminds me to be true to myself regardless of how people see me.

When we strive for holiness, how many of us are even true to ourselves to begin with? How many of us are willing to give up everything, including money, influential friends, fame, prestige, etc.? I really don’t know. How many people are aware that one must be true to himself gradually in order to walk closer to holiness? Have they ever pondered the deep meaning of truth with the Spirit of Love? It is about acceptance of self and others and striving to be that person as who he is in the Divine Plan of God though he may be reluctant to be the person God has planned for him to be. Personally, I have been quite blessed that God has protected me from the person whom I love very much and God does not bless me with him as my spouse. Yes, he is eloquent and seems holy. He is talented and charming. He strives to me holy. He is a person whom many women are crazy over and dream to marry him.

After much reflection, I should thank God that I am glad that he is not blessed to be my spouse. My ‘antennae’ is often very sharp. I read between the lines and tend to ‘see’ accurately the feelings and motives behind the seemingly holy and kind words and deeds. It confirmed that I was not wrong about him as my youth friend told me this person kept on appearing within the vicinity of my church when his church was far away from ours even before the few days before his departure. I made the right choice of not going back. Not because I hate him. In fact, it was because I love him that I stayed away. I chose not to be part of the fans to lure him back to church since his focus should be on his own church where he was called to serve. I did not want to hinder his growth with the others in his own church. Somehow, I had a feeling that he was lying as he mentioned he did not miss most about links to a church group. But, when looking at the behaviour, he had been hanging around the area and his fans. Look at his facebook friends and comments that he approved very often. Look at the people he stick with often long later he had left the church. That tells a lot. Towards him, I only read what he wrote for my knowledge about God as he could describe very well for his talent of eloquence and writing and even public speaking. Somehow, I got confused at times as I could sense something beyond those words.

All along, I ‘see’ this person better off getting married. I was prompted that when I first saw him during one of the church events when I hardly knew him. It does not have to be me as his spouse. Somehow, the kind of attention and care he needs is not just out of friendship. Whenever he feels loved beyond friendship level, he can deliver his message very well with much deeper conviction and love. You could simply feel his joy within. Yes, he is doing well evangelizing and sharing God’s love with the others in his role now. Somehow, something deep is still missing. I may be wrong. Over many years of observation, I am convinced that he can serve much better and share God’s Love deeper if he is married. I do not deny that he really experiences God’s love in his role now. But, I m pretty sure that he can experience God’s love at an even deeper level if he is married as his experience of Love will run deeper into his heart through the love and intimacy with a spouse. To be precise, he needs romantic love and love of his own family to fill that gap so that he will truly ‘understand’ the suffering and sacrifices out of Love for the others. Sticking to a few pets of his own who are families at unhealthy level is already a signal to him about his deeper needs.

Well, I am not as blessed as that female colleague at the zoo to enlighten him and get him to be himself. I do not force him to walk the path which I ‘see’ he should walk. To him, striving to be holy seems to be one way which is the way he is walking now. I am not sure if he is aware that striving to be holy can also be done with a spouse and children of his own. Not all people are called to walk the path that seems much holier than the others. The path that is most suitable for us is often one which fills our deepest needs. Not all people are called to religious life or priesthood as love from community and God directly is sufficient to fill the deep needs within these religious people and priests so that God’s love is experienced at the core of the heart for this Love to overflow to others. When looking at the lives of the saints, they might seem to depend on nothing but faith and overlooked their own needs. However, I think we may be wrong about it. Their own deeper needs had been filled so much that Love overflew from within which led them to carry out deeds and words with the Spirit of Love beyond normal limits. Often, they were misunderstood by most people. They might not get it right with God immediately and took their lifetime to have their Love and relationship with God purified by first accepting themselves as who they were including all flaws and suffering. They had the courage to face themselves.

As for the person I love a lot, I can only pray for him. I never direct him where he should go but I have been honest with him about it as it pins me to see him in current state. He has chosen to be in the limelight and appear holy to others. I do not deny that he does serve sincerely. But, that is not my point. My point is he can share with people at a deeper level God’s love as a married man. I am not sure he can’t get it or he simply does not dare to face himself. He has been thinking of ways to prove that he is serving sincerely and he is happy and wants to save the world. He proves himself time and again that he has touched people’s lives by showing how people have thanked and commented him for his good deeds. Good to have such boost to his service for him to continue to reach out. Good to have such noble thinking and heart for it. But, he misses my point totally. If that is the case, like the female colleague who gave the zookeeper all the blessings though she knew that he was going the wrong way, I give him all my blessings sincerely but with pain within. Saving the world can also be done within a marriage. He is already intellectual. He does not have to go for higher education to be more effective in sharing God’s love with the others. Somehow, my ‘feel’ is he can reach out to more people to touch people at an even deeper level if he is married. I ever witnessed for myself when he was delivering God’s message with joy deep within getting support from his special one and when he had delivered the message in his usual efficient and intellectual manner. There was a total difference. You could be touched by him with the former delivery of speech at a deeper level and could even feel his joy directly out of him while the latter could still touch me but without this deep joy within him. Both states of delivery of God’s messages could touch people but the former one not only touches me but was also filled with experience of love and joy directly from him. Which form of delivery is more powerful?

I am not disappointed not because he is not my lover or spouse. I am disappointed as he is trying to run away. I wonder if he ever sits down and sees himself as a third party and observes himself. Whenever he describes about romance and spouse and children, he becomes very convicted and different. I could feel his yearning. He is very charming when he is real to himself. He always gets himself lost in the imagination and delivery of messages about romantic relationships and spouses. I can really feel his yearning deep within. Sad to say that he keeps on substituting this deep need with the pets who have families and mingle with them at an unhealthy level. He seems to have misunderstood certain aspects of sainthood and Love. He flirts around and always has women around him and sings to them not because he is a philander. He has this deep loneliness within other than the necessary solitude with God. He is not one who can survive solely on friendship and brotherhood alone other than God’s Love. It pains me to see him in that way. I get very upset as he is proving again and again that he is touching people now and tries to prove that he knows the meaning of life and sacrifices. However, it upsets me further whenever he does it as he has missed the whole point altogether.

I am not doing anything to him now. I can only lift him up to God. God really loves him a lot. Time and again, God has already shown him who he should be but he insists on the path he is taking, leading to repeated sins and behaviour which hurt others at times. Time and again, God has shown him he needs a family and spouse to walk with him for him to deepen his sharing with true joy even with suffering through his repeated act of sticking to a family at an unhealthy level. Time and again, he has given up certain opportunities halfway through and left his duties at times to stick to a family, signalling that he yearns to have someone to walk with him as a spouse and he does serve sincerely but not really fulfilling and touch him deeper enough. Time and again, he survives on people’s praises and assurances a lot. Time and again, when I look at his photos taken during certain masses or special events or rituals, he looked very bored or faraway in thoughts. He looked not interested and seemed empty. I feel the pain whenever I see such photos of him. I think he has misunderstood certain situations as temptation. To me, those situations should help him to look at himself clearer and purify his love for self and others and God and be who he is. It seems that he can’t get it. He just keeps on thinking that the path he is walking now is the right and only way. If he has a family of his own, he will be very different. He can make a good husband and truly love his children and experience of how it is like to be part of God through his experience to have a spouse as part of him and children as parts of him and his spouse. Many people have realized that he has stopped certain gestures which gays or very soft men will have. I realize that that is eversince he loves a woman and journeys with her. He is more masculine. I am not sure if he is aware that whenever the woman encourages or cheers him up, his delivery of speech tends to be much more powerful and he is smiling away while delivering. That is definitely not sinning. He is very lovable whenever he is himself admitting all his dreams and flaws and struggles. He is definitely more charming and powerful in his reaching out if he is married with a spouse and children. However, I can’t say anything more to him now as I am not in a position to tell him all these matters from my experience and observations of him for many years and my sense from my gift. He has already proved to me again and again that I am right ‘seeing’ to be in marriage instead of where he is in now. I can only be feeling helpless watching him to continue to think of ways to convince himself that he is touching many lives and he is capable of the sacrifices out of Love. Only he, himself, knows what is deep within him. I can only give him all my support and blessings with pain in whatever he does no matter how ‘wrong’ it is. Maybe, one day, he will wake up and be truly who he is without having to prove and justify anymore, having the courage to be who he is and reaching out to others, touching them at much deeper level while the recipients experience the joy and love directly from him from overflowing love out of his love from his own family and spouse blessed by God. Hope that day will come. Meanwhile, I can only keep him in my prayers.

With Love,
Elena

God's Blessing for me to go back to church after two years!! Hurray!!

My new life begins with the confirmation of departure of a loved one. I think it is more effective for me to reach out to my cburch when he is not around. My new church life begins today. I know more to come and the kind of issues I have to handle. I am prepared for it. I have left for many months and people may be wondering where I have gone to. I can't be bothered. I have been thinking of going back. After the person has left and I am assured that he is in another country, I can go back to church at ease. Time to have spiritual inputs from priests other than my daily prayers and meditation on the gospels. Time to go back for a good confession and start anew.

I was taking a long walk along Shenton Way just now. After the walk, my mind was clear and I could hear the prompting of going back to my church deep within. I know people have misunderstood me. I just want to go back to serve. It no longer matters what those people think. I am more concerned about some people inside. I know it is still messy inside with people trying to impress priests and all the power struggles. I do not care a damn thing about it. If I want to climb up the ladder, I rather do it in my corporate world. What is the point of winning the broken people and be up there? It will only show that I am more broken than them. I miss some of them inside. Basically, my heart has been there as I have friends there. I grow with some of them though I tend to be quiet. Many people have been kicked out. I am not going to let this happen for the people with hidden agendas to kick out all the people who really want to serve. I believe with prayers, God will intervene. I need to discern which area I can serve creatively. Hopefully, I can contribute in my own small ways. By reaching out and understanding people, if I have a chance to study psychology at James Cook University, it will help me in my studies. Then, I can reach out more efficiently and effectively to people's hearts in the future.

I am going to watch a show with my youth friend at Cineleisure Orchard later. That is my way of journeying with her. We will share our lives and reflections through movies. Sometimes, she would ask me some spiritual matters. People, no matter how young they are, how disabled they, how disordered they are, they want to be heard with love and respect. Not like our parents' era where children were only expected to listen and not have any voice. All these voices, no matter how vulnerable, have got lessons to teach us. Well, all of us are disabled in some ways or disordered in some points of our lives. I have spoekn to my RO about the scholar who has been giving me a lot of problems because of his protective defense and low self esteem and self centeredness. I told my RO he is also good in certainthings. It's just that I really have problems with him and I do not wish to look down upon him and continue to argue with him. I told my RO I did not mind her telling him that I was the person who raised this issue with her. I asked her how she could talk to him. If not, he will continue to hinder our work and we continue to argue. That does not work in the long run. I am a practical person. I will deal with the issue directly. I Even told my RO I have spoekn to him before. But, he still insisted on his ways. Now, I am turning to my RO for help. She knows I am not complaining about him but I need this to be solved. She also cannot do much after our discussion. I will have to see how I can curb my frustration.

Nevertheless, God is really good. He knows my heart. He knows that I have been wanting to go back to church. Now, I am ready to serve in my church without hindering anyone from serving or leading my loved one to sin! Hurray!

With Love,
Elena

Life's a stage or Gift of Love?

It was mummy’s death anniversary yesterday. She has gone for 13 years. I did not spend yesterday alone. I went for jogging as usual. God has been kind. I did not see any church pets around. Whenever they are around, I always feel very uneasy. So far, I have been jogging peacefully without any disturbance. My jogging sessions are always my quiet time with God. After the jog, my friend spent her whole day with me. We went on a shopping spree. We needed to get some office clothes like pants. The cost of living is rising at an unreasonable rate. You know what? The bus fares are going up by 2 cents in October. I simply do not know how to survive here. Sometimes, I do think that I might as well be a religious sister where all my needs are provided while I reach out to people. My main mission here on earth has been reaching out to others. Besides, if I get into certain orders, I may even have opportunities to go for further studies overseas, giving me the opportunities to reach out to people beyond my country. However, I do not think that is a healthy and appropriate way of approaching matters. When I was discerning with my spiritual director in an order, I did have chance to mingle with some sisters. Somehow, I could sense that some sisters were very unhappy within. In fact, some of them carried grudges and anger in their hearts wherever they went. Once again, some other sisters confirmed that I was right about these sisters. How do they reach out to others with love and touch others’ hearts if other people may sense their anger and grudges within? Ultimately, my spiritual director went to Africa for missions. I was placed under another spiritual director. I gave up my discernment as religious life was not for me and I could sense the wall that the spiritual sister had within her. And, I left. So, now, I am struggling to survive outside. Poor people like us can only buy clothes when there are sales. Do not be surprised that the suppliers can still earn profits after slashing the prices by half.


My friends either have gone or are going to study. How about me? I am still wandering around. I really do not know how to finance the studies. Studying overseas which I am dreaming of is out of the question. So, I am looking at Marketing course from University of Buffalo or Psychology course from James Cook University which are in Singapore. Marketing course is out as there is only full time course. So, I am looking at University of James Cook University in Singapore. I really can’t believe that the fees are exorbitant and the government does not have support the studies at private university at all. I am still hanging in the air as I do not have the luxury to have anything to fall back on like my friends. If they can’t pay for the fees, their parents assure them or have given them some money to study. For me, dream on. So, here, I am stuck in my current workplace where my RO told me I simply cannot fit in and I am not suitable for the job. Well, I just take it as a training ground for me to improve on my weak areas. Very tough but I still need the income to survive though I am unhappy daily. The worst thing is I still have to handle the temperamental monster who accuses her subordinates most of the time and the scholar on whom the government has dumped much money to groom him for him to shirk his responsibility and mistakes to me and keep information to himself while trying to get more from people and acting smart. Sometimes, when I look at the scholar, I can’t help it but angry that why the government bothers to dump so much money on such person who is not smart and tries to act smart without integrity and sense of responsibility. I really regret I did not study hard. If not, my life could have been different. I do not have problems scoring in school if I try to concentrate and my grades tend to be higher than most friends. Well, so what? All these friends are going further in careers with higher educational level and I am happy for them. I am still stuck. My ex-lecturer ever told me he was worried for me as I seemed to be stuck. Actually, I am sorry to have broken my promise made in front of my mummy’s casket that I would get into university by 21 years old. Now, I am already 33 years old and I still have not got in.

I am not sure if I should just resign to ‘fate’ and drift along in life, just like some people I know in life. It may be the easiest way to drift along in life. Some people I know drift along in life are more blessed than me as they are always accompanied by their pets and loved ones and do not have to worry about their survival. Some can even go to prestigious clubs to play golf or in the high end gym without earning a single cent. Some even have pets driving them around to eat at high end restaurants and some pets or loved ones even buy them gadgets like iPad. Some even study overseas without coming up a single cent. I also want such life. If I were them, even if I were unhappy or feel miserable within, I would not leave my comfort zone. Like what I have mentioned, I ever wanted to be a religious sister. Part of it why I drew out was because of my character. If I become a sister, I can forsee that I become arrogant, showing people how holy I am in my habit, glorifying myself instead of bringing glory to God. I may manipulate people who are rich and influential to get what I want. I may even form ‘holy elite’ groups to empower my pets with power to cause divisions and I become ‘slave’ to them to do what please them even if they are not right with God. I see some people doing that now. Instead of doing what is right with God, they do what pleases these people who can support them in any ways. Some have denied that they do not stick to any places and people but you always see them going back to the places and meeting these people often long after they have left the places. What does it imply? These pets and supporters are often the people who follow them day and night or support them with money. How can a person grow mature in faith if these people keep on ‘pampering’ him at such unhealthy level? When I saw all these things happening, I asked myself if I wanted to live in ‘luxury’ manipulating people as a religious sister or I should continue to grow mature in faith and go according to the guidance of the Holy Spirit outside to reach out to more people outside church. If you ask me now if I ever regret not getting into religious life as my life outside is tougher, I can answer you with a definite ‘No’, especially after I have seen how some people do not seem to grow much spiritually and try to manipulate others to get what they want, such as, money, status, fame, accompany, etc.

However, I should also mention that not all people manipulate people and want easy lives through religious life and priesthood. I do admire people like Mother Theresa who lived among the poor and be part of them, my spiritual director who is serving in the poor area of Africa, Fr Albert Renkens who dared to be himself and questioned certain issues which no other priests have the courage to address on though I do not agree with all his views, Fr JJ from IHM who has been a priest from a very young age and never fails to be in the confessional and touch people through his gentleness and humility through the Sacrament of Reconciliation whenever he can, etc. These people convince me that Jesus is true through their loving sacrifices. These people often do not complain about their suffering and sacrifices. In fact, they are humble enough to admit their mistakes and vulnerability that I feel myself to be at the same level as them instead of them above me. I always feel at ease with these people though they also have their own flaws as human beings. They are blessings to me for me to ‘see’ Christ more clearly. Reading the lives of the saints can inspire us. But these readings can only stay at the head level as we do not have direct contact with them. Often, the people who touch us are the very people in our lives who have made sacrifices in their lives, not necessarily priests. Often, I feel that some people have fixed minds that only priests have tough times in their priesthood and they are holy. To me, anyone can be holy as long as they obey God even if it goes against the norms and people. Some priests may even live much better off than the people outside. So, I do not understand why some people idolize priests. We have to be thankful to anyone who makes sacrifices and suffers to love but never idolize them as if they are God.

I am glad that God has sent me people who simply drift along in life and continue to use people as tools for their luxury and comfort and even ego boost. I am sorry to admit that I look down upon them in my heart but pity them at certain level as they will never experience very deeply what true love is all about. At most, if they are intellectual, God stays in their heads. I pity them for staying within their comfort zones that they deprive of themselves to get their faith stretched and grow mature in their spiritual lives. Often, you realize that they complain a lot about their suffering and even magnify it. They want attention to themselves often. When they are called forth to go through suffering or go to places where they do not want to go, they will complain a lot and emphasize on their suffering and get others to sympathize with them. Often, when reaching out, they do not have much compassion and tend to be harsh on people who do not do things according to what they like or think. If not, they reach out to others with compassion but they make sure others know about it. These people are constant reminders to me that I should not end up like them. I can never imagine what kind of cold monster I become if I follow their footsteps.

Yes, life outside church is tough with no support from anyone. I do grow as a person. I see Christ everywhere I go and do not confine God within a church building. I feel proud to earn my own money for my recreation, things, etc. without manipulating or depending on anyone for my comfort and luxury. At least, I do not have to act holy and be ‘slave’ to others to get what I want or need. I would expect my future spouse to be a strong man who has the courage to go through hardship and earn money for the family and himself. I seriously will never want a spouse who uses others as tools to get what he wants or to depend on others for their material wants and needs. I am here to serve God and not to be God. Even Jesus had never once, in his life, expected anyone to worship him as God. I am grateful that at the age of 33, I have learnt all these issues and strived to be true to God and others. According to my observation, once I hit 40 and never realize these issues and simply drift along in life using others as tools while covering up with my seemingly holy acts and words, there is nothing much I can change but to act according to what others want and simply drift along in life unless I have the courage and great love to make drastic changes to my life or even to my vocation according to God’s guidance. It requires a great leap of faith. How many people actually have the guts and love to do so for God and the love of the people around?

Well, everyone has his own will to choose how he wants to walk his life journey. For me, I am also finding out more about opening restaurants or cafeterias and see if there are any opportunities and start planning and saving up. If not, I am also finding out if I can get any sponsorship or financial assistance to study in James Cook University in Singapore. I have always wanted to study psychology and be a psychologist as there is a increase in the demand in that field. I can help to guide people to the right track and help them enriching their lives according to who they are after being equipped ith skills and intelligence from the university. Now, people still come to me for advice, be it family matters, health problems, marriages, child bearing issues, etc. I can only guide them minimally as I am still not trained in that area. Somehow, I still manage to guide them in some ways or out of their vex with the wisdom from God. But, my pay simply can’t keep up with the rising prices of so many things in Singapore, not to mention about saving up for studies. It seems to be a dead end. Maybe, my friends are right. Maybe, it is because I am smart, God does not bless me with easy money from parents or friends or pets and I will have creative ways to survive in the society. True to certain extent after much observation. You throw me anywhere, even in a very hostile environment, I still survive till now. If you throw some people who get easy money from people into such environment, they will give up and break down. But, being smart does not mean I am God. I do get tired of such drastic changing environment at times. My faith does get stronger through such environment as I have no pets, parents or anyone to fall back on most of the time. I can only make do with whatever I have and trust that God will provide me with more resources and people whenever I need. I am living on the edge. Ok, exciting roller coaster life.

Have to earn more money. Have been going to site visit to venues where the rich people enjoy with exorbitant high membership fees. I really enjoy the yacht trip. I need to work harder to get what I need and want. Of course, while getting what I want with my own hands, I also must not forget the less fortunate. Whenever opportunity comes, just reach out and help. I do not have to be in any ministries and appear to other people that I am holy. Only God knows. I no longer care what some people think. They can continue to drift along in life and act holy through their acts and words announced to the others and use people as tools for their wants and needs. At least, for me, when it is time to meet the Lord, I can meet him as my naked self without any guilt or misery. At least, I dare to be true to people without hiding any feelings or issues. I feel free. Now, I have to see where the Lord is leading me to and to depend on faith with my limited resources.

With Love,
Elena

Seeking Christ in the midst of places where we do not want to go

Mt 16:13-23

Certain sacrifices are needed for the sake of loving more people and expanding the Kingdom of God. This includes going to places where we do not wish to go to at times. Like Jesus who ‘must go to Jerusalem and suffer greatly from the elders, the chief priests, and the scribes, and be killed and on the third day be raised’, whatever we do or wherever we are called to go, we do it out of our free will. This obedience is not forced but out of Love. Definitely, wherever God brings us to, even to places where we do not want to go, we still have to go to grow to be more mature and stronger in faith, relying on God, instead of on people and things that are familiar to us that it breeds contempt. So, like Jesus, we must learn to let go and let God and go to places where we do not wish to go, learning to rely entirely on God with nothing familiar to hold on to for God to work miracles in our otherwise dull lives in familiarity.
I am often called to move on to other organizations after I had established some foundation within my areas of work. Often, I do not enjoy the fruits of my hardwork and it is always the people who take over my positions who enjoy the fruits. After I have left those places, my ex-colleagues always told me these people who have taken over my positions simply shake legs since I have set up whatever systems or built the foundations needed. I get pissed off at times why this keeps on happening. However, when I manage to quiet down, I realize that though I do not enjoy the fruits of my hardwork, many people will be benefiting from what I have done. It is about looking at the big picture as a whole. Most of the time, I also get to share my faith with Christians and non Christians. Sometimes, Christians who have backslided came to me and told me they had started reading God’s words after we had shared more about God. I even had the chance to share our faith with people from different religious backgrounds and got to know more about others’ faith, thus improving the working relationships at work with different people. Sometimes, nasty bosses tried to make things difficult for me so that I would get into troubles as some of them felt threatened by my potential (which was not necessary since they were much smarter than me) or others were simply out of balance in their lives. Somehow, they would always be surprised how I got around it with my creative ways. I know this is all about God being with and in me with my staff going through the valley of darkness.

No matter where you are, it is always for your own good that God has sent you to places where you do not see familiar faces. It is for you to rely on Him entirely instead of on the people whom you mingle with often. Sometimes, the danger of staying within the comfort zone is when it is time for you to move on or do something that does not agree with the people around you, you may choose to do things that please the people which may not be right with God. Also, sometimes, without knowing, you become possessive of these people, being afraid to lose them at anytime. That is when you have lost sight of God and placed these people above God. So, when God sends you to somewhere where you do not want to go, go out of obedience for the growth of the people you have been staying with beyond healthy level and also for yourself to grow with more people outside your circle. Where there is nothing familiar, you will still feel at ease with strangers as you have to learn to see someone familiar within each stranger; that is Christ who has been with you through the faces of the strangers. Only then, you will learn to accept and expand the Kingdom of God through the development of friendships and relationships with new people. You also grow to be more complete as you open yourself up to accept and make friends with people from all walks of life at all social levels. Each person has got stories to teach you lessons to be wiser in life, thus allowing you to reach out at a deeper level to touch more people deep within in life.

With Love,
Elena

The overlay of Good and Bad

Have been suffering from insomnia. I am dead tired now. Somehow, the more I am in the corporate world, the more I am sick of the world. This scholar continues to disgust me with his behaviour. Can you believe it or not? He did not set any IT budget aside for the purchase od hardwares and softwares for this financial year. As usual, as I have taken over the role of an IT coordinator, I have been clearing his shit. Now, I am in the midst of writing paper to get funds for a printer. I have got no funds to draw from. Thanks to him again. This is one of the scholars we have groomed. Now, he is asking me to put on hold the paper for him to think of a way to cover his mistake. I wonder what he has been doing in the office. He seems to be sleepiing on things. Only things that can be shown to our RO, then he works very hard on them. What the heck! I have totally lost my respect for him. Instead of covering his backside again and again, why can't he just be a man to admit his mistakes? He is still busy covering up his mistakes. This afternoon, we will be going to Marina Keppel Bay for site visit. Sian ar...He is going to take one hour to ask silly questions which will normally require only half an hour visit. With so many things happening in my private life, I simply have no energy to play politics with him. At first, he thought that by handingover the IT coordinator role to me he can shirk his responsibilty and mistakes. Who knows I am not an easy person to deal with? If not for my job to be done properly, I am also lazy to point his mistakes out.

People are self centered afterall. When I first joined the workforce, my teacher taught me to be more merciless as people in the world are not going to be merciful. After working for so long in the corporate world and church, it is true. People are broken no matter what, especially the ones in church. Most people will use in the name of this, that and God to justify their actions and words. It is good that they still know what goodness is and they want to be seen as good. But, the method they have used is self centered. They like to coop themselves up in the small box and show their 'holiness' within the box. If you throw them into teh corporate world, I doubt they can survive. To a large extent, I do pity them in staying within that box, sucking up to leaders. Worse still, some leaders are swayed by them to do what please them instead of what please God. I am not just speaking within local context but also extenting to global one. If Catholic is confined within a box, Catholic has lost its meaning as it means universal. That also means God is for all people. Love is for everyone. Sadly to say, in the midst of hidden agenda and self centeredness, some people use their intelligence to distort what is holy for their own benefits.

It also set me to think if celibacy is still applicable for this modern world. Look at the sexual abuses in the some countries. I am not saying that celibacy is no longer valid. I am just questioning. I ever had this priest who encouraged us to probe into certain things with critical thinking, including this topic. Priests did not have to practise celibacy until certain events took place and the rules changed. It set me thinking if rules were created by human beings due to self centered benefits or the teachings have not been reviewed at all and people stubbornly stick to what no loonger works, resulting in all sorts of sins manifested. Most Catholic teaching should not be changed as they are applicable across all generations. Well, I am just questioning. I believe God will work wonders. I definitely am sick of the dark side of things that I get out. With that little faith of mine, if I continue to stay there, I am scared I may end up like these people as I am just as equally broken. I really need someone of strong faith to guide me. Sad to say, I can't find any.

Thisn are not black and white. They are often an overlay of both. Without wisdom and discernment, one can easily mistake good for bad and vice versa. Sometimes, I am also confused. But, it is never too late to realize it and change for the better. I am glad that I am out of certain situation. Though I may embark on a journey which the church will never agree, I rather give it a try. Staying in church will be a problem to me. I am still thinking if I should go back after someone has left for years. When he comes back, I will leave again. At least, I still have a few full solid years in church. I just do not want the people around me to disturb me. I do not hate him. But, if I really want to serve, I serve with my heart. I really hope that I have a chance to stay overseas. I will definitely go to church. Spending time with God in church is my priviledge. Some people in poor countries do not even have churches to go to no matter how much they yearn for it. I really hope to start anew overseas based on my situation now. Actually, I have been yearning to stay overseas since 20 years old. I really need a new start. I can't stand the living style here. I get very stressed out. I do not even have much needed time to think things through. Now, suffering from insomnia and losing appetite. See how. I really hope that that scholar will not stretch my limit so much that I snap at him. Jesus, I need you. Please hold me tight.

With Love,
Elena