Actually, I am at my peak period at work. I have decided to write something here during my office hour. I know it is wrong. But, I am really sick of my work. I am very unhappy. I work for the sake of my income. I am simply not interested in my work. Yes, my work does indirectly affect the future of Singapore and yet I do not find any fulfillment out of it. I still enjoy people confiding in me and I help them to see things from other angles. I really pray to have a chance to go overseas to study psychology. Why overseas? That is because I am scared of failing my modules in Singapore. I used to study A Level Literature in Singapore. I failed and I simply did not know what they wanted and I found it too technical. When I took my A Level Literature the second time, I improved by two grades discarding what had been taught to me and using my own method. If I brushed up my vocabulary, I had confidence of getting A. But, I was just too lazy to expand my vocabulary lah. Anyway, I know I can fit better into the culture and educational system overseas as my eccecntricity will seem less obvious among so many different people out there.
Have just read through the lives of some saints. I do identify with one of them. The description is similar to what I am feeling and going through now. One thing I share with them is we are all weird. But, I am far from those saints. I am a sinner who have been out of church. I am not angry with anyone. I just cannot fit in no matter how hard I have tried. People just keep on misunderstanding me. Nowadays, I do not even bother to explain. The only person who understands me is Jesus. I do not need anyone to understand me anymore. I do not know how to act nor suck up to authorities. If I act and suck up to authorities, I believe I can be popular and I would have held high position in the organization. Well, I simply can't.
I remember one of my friends was asking God to bless her with one or two specific gifts as if she could command God to do things for her. I got angry and told her off. Ok lah, I know I was harsh lah and I should not. I was just angry that she thought having gifts was fun and she could draw attention to herself. I was just sick of it. I asked her if she was ready to have these gifts which came with responsibility. If gifts not handled properly with strong faith, they become curse to the person who has them. Gifts for all of us are always for the good of others and closer relationships with others and God with the Spirit of Love. Any gifts not practised with the Spirit of Love will turn corrupted with self centeredness and become sins.
Personally, I have gift of knowledge. I have some other gifts which disturb me alot. So, sometimes, people think that I am temperamental, getting moody or angry for nothing when I have been 'seeing' things often that I get so sick. I think my faith is too weak to handle those gifts and I do not know how to use them. I cannot handle them well as I do not have compassion for those people involved. If not, I would not have been wasily agitated or temperamental. The most sickening thing is when I know alot about a particular person, those people thought that I stalk that person when I simply just 'know'. Then, they will force evidence out of me about what I 'know'. Wah lau, how to prove something when it happens only a few months or years later? I am not God leh. Whatever comes with good intentions are distorted by them to be hidden agendas. So sian. Can I not have those gifts? Because of those bloody gifts, the people closest to me thought I am a lesbain. If not, a stalker. I am quite scared. If I were to bump into my future spouse, is he going to think that I am a pervert? It disturbs me alot.
There are certain things that I 'see' and yet I can't reveal. I can only pray and let it happen as I am not meant to intervene with certain matters. If not, when called by God, I will walk with them even if it means I go through hell under them. Of course, I am not treating them as my projects. When I am willing to go through hell under them, I do it with love and I really love them lah. Fortunately, I only get to 'see' things clearly ahead when these people are very close to me. But, trust me. It is bad enough. You feel the person's emotions and the torrents inside even when the person is half a world away from you! Hello, can I not have that? I ever confide in a priest. He told me my gift may save my family in the future. Sometimes, during a prayer meeting, I can also feel how the person being prayed over is feeling inside and I absorb all her negative feelings like a sponge. If I can't take it, I have to run out of the room before my mind is affected.
I have left a place for months. I could not cope with all the pretension and sucking up to authorities and gossips. I will keep mu mouth shut most of the time. Only when very necessary, I will speak up and tell them off if they carry far too much about those people whom they do not even know personally. It's very tiring when you keep on 'seeing' all the negativities and plots inside them. It was draining me whenever I was there. Call me a Christian with weak faith. I admit it. I was going through it alone in that place and I could not confide in anyone when I 'saw'. It was so 'noisy' that I no longer could hear God's voice that I decided to get out of it all. My gifts turned against me as my faith was saken in that negative environment. I do not think how I can grow healthily with God when I kept on surrounding myself with them who liked to suck up to authorities and hurt others for their own holy images. I believe that other than reaching out to others, I also need a community or people whom I can grow healthily with. However, I could not find people of such in that place. I did not leave with resentment or anger. But, I left because I was losing sight of God and my gifts were turning against me with my shaken faith.
There is something which I realize along my life journey. Sometimes, when we love someone, we focus too much on doing or saying things to impress the loved one that we may forget the simplest things is just to be there with a smile. I have come across people who try to impress their loved ones with their gifts. But, in the midst of being busy to impress them out of love, we may forget that our presence is already a gift. One smile may be enough at times. All gifts that we have are just parts of us. For me, impressing me fails most of the time. The people whom I am very close to are normally people who are always there for me. They do not have to be physically there for me all the times. I can just 'sense' that they are always there no matter how far I drift away. People whom I see daily may not be the ones who are close to me as I 'know' their hearts are not with me. This draws me to I may serve in many minsitries, reaching out to others, is my heart really there with them? If I am there with my true heart, I will never hurt anyone, not even people who serve together with me, so as to reach out with love together. For me, I am in the office daily. But, my heart is not here most of the time. I will still carry out my duties but my heart is somewhere else. I am still thinking of ways to find what I like using my gifts but to no avail. I still have to face the reality of earning my income to support my family and myself no matter how much I cannot fit into my current job. Life is short and yet I have to keep pushing myself to do things which I am bad in for the sake of survival. If I work hard, I have the opportunity to rise up to high position. I am the only executive here who may have the chance to go up to be senior officer with good prospects as I am on a new scheme. MY RO and monster have confidence in my potential. But, deep inside, I know I am not going to find fulfillment within. For the past few years, my position and pay keep on going up. But, I realize that it does not fulfill me deep within. The higher I go, the more emptiness I feel within.
Life is more than that. If I am given a choice, I will study overseas and be a psychologist. I have always found a deep sense of joy studying and helping people directly. Many people have told me I can make a good counselor. Even in some small groups to discuss certain social or psychological or theological issues, I often get positive feedback and I always find a deep sense of fulfillment whenever I can help others to see things form another perspectives and be friends with them. No matter what jobs I have taken up so far, people never fail to confide in me the deep issues within them. Even my student's parent talked to me till 3am afew years ago. I know I do best in those areas but I am lack of the education and skills that I need in order to work in those areas. By studying psychology, I will be better equipped to help others and also myself to handle life's heavy issues. Other than that, I always have a dream of opening an outdoor cafe like the one you see in Rome. I have always loved to eat and chill out at cafe, especially outdoors with friends. I always believe that a dining table and food are meant to bring people to bond with joy together. Too bad. I am just stuck in my family and financial situation for years even till now. I do not blame anyone. Maybe, I am just meant to go through life tough.
The danger of gifts is I may be using them so well that once I am not careful, I place my gifts above God. What do I mean by that? I may use my gifts so well that I may think I am indispensable. In this case, I place myself and gifts above God. This is dangerous as I stay in my confort zone to do what I am good in so much that when God calls me to somewhere else to serve, I refuse to move. Humility is the important ingredient so that I will not be using my gifts to the excess that I lose sight of God and play God. Alwya remeber that even Jesus died with two criminals who were deemed as the lowest in the social class. Even Jesus, as the Son of God, stooped down to the lowest level to show that his gifts and his presence are meant to be gifts of Love to be shared with others. All gifts belong to the Father. We are just the stewards. Nobody is indispensable. If God can groom you to be so successful, He can also raise another leader. Always humble myself and open myself up to listen to where God is leading me to. My gifts are not meant to please people but to share God's love with the others. I get very disgusted when I know that some leaders do what the people say even if they know they are wrong just to please them in the fear that they may lose their support, popularity, attention, etc. That leads to divisions in a commonity and lead others to sin since these people play God to lord over others with the support of these leaders who do things to please them. Sigh! Who is God here?
Ok, enough of my sharing. Time to go back to work. Hurray! Going to do some voluntary work with a friend for the Deaf Association in the afternoon on this Saturday. It has been so many months since I make myself uselful to others. God really listens to my heart as I have been sourcing for places where I can do some voluntary work. So, I am given a chance. Hurray!! Last but not least, anyone whom you think or your heart tells you he/she needs your smile to light up the darkness in him/her? Just be present and smile without attempting to impress or do much. And, appreciate yourself as a gift to him/her as a blessing from God.
With Love,
Elena
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