Prayer is very important to me. If not for prayers, I would have disappeared from this world long time ago. I am always put in unusual situations where the areas are very grey. Sometimes, I don't even want to deal with these difficult people whom most people would never want to deal with and yet I am called to deal with them. These are the times when I have to deal with the situations very carefully where I am required to stay very close to God so that my actions and words will not mislead these people into sins with me. Sometimes, I will be accused by people who do not understand why I do certain things. I can't explain much though I have attempted to which resulted in more slaps of insults and sarcasm. Prayers have been the pillars which keep me going and strong despite all the nonsesnse and misunderstandings and insults. Personally, I tend to drift in and out of a lot of things like relationships, events, groups, jobs, etc. My thoughts are always changing. What I think now may contradict against what I think the next day. It is so difficult to slow my racing thoughts down. That makes focus even more difficult for me. I also can't stand this in me at times. One thing strange is no matter how far I drift away, God has His ways of drawing me back to Him. Why is that so? I have made the habit of communicating with Him through prayers daily. Without prayers with Him regularly, I feel disconnected and chaotic inside.
Till now, prayers have been very part of my life. I always like to pray on my way to the bus stop in the morning and end each day with prayers. I often love to give thanks to God for giving me a brand new day for me to draw closer to Him in every morning and being with me throughout the day when each day ends. Each day of my life is given to me as a gift from God. That means God gives me a gift daily by giving me another day to live. It gives me opportunity to purify myself, get closer to God, more time to spend time with my loved ones, fix relationships that have been broken, enjoy God's creation of nature and things in this world, etc. These will ensure me to have a peaceful death without regrets when it is time for me to be called home to be with the Lord. Each day of my life carries hope. By starting and ending each day with thankgiving in prayer, I am starting and ending the day right on a positive note.
Prayer helps me to set my focus right on God right from the beginning. It is always beneficial for me to pray to God regularly as I tend to get lost in the midst of my activities. Prayers to God will serve as reminders to me that no matter what I do or say, they must be based on Love as I am a child of God. Of course, this does not mean that I will not sin. I am still a human being after all. But, prayers will keep me close to God and I will not drift too far away from Him, especially when I tend to be impulsive and scatter-brained. Moreover, like one of the priests has mentioned, we tend to suffer from dementia. Prayers will help me to set my eyes on God and minimize my dementia.
I think prayers when voiced out verbally to God have their psychological relief and healing. Certain things or rubbish may have resided or suppressed in me for too long. When I voice them out through prayers, I hear myself and let them out and surrender them to God. Through voicing out, I may have more clarity and find creative ways to solve certain problems during the process of verbalization. I may even discover things or feelings which I may not have if I keep them suppressed to myself. I think God is working through my thinking process and feelings with me while I verbalize these issues.
After thanksgiving, I will always reflect on what I have done wrong each day and asks God for forgiveness. Sometimes, these sins, especially the repeated ones, may have some underlying issues. By examining myself deeply within through confession of sins in my prayers, I am asking God to open myself to Him for Him to shine His light on those dark areas which I need to improve on. If I need help, God will prompt me to seek help from the others. The devil will always find loopholes and dark areas to work against me. By asking God to be the Light in those areas, the devil has got no way to lead me away from God. I don't deny that I will still sin whenever I place myself above anyone else including God since God has no space in me and I will insist on my way or no way. By confessing my sins through my prayers, I am humbling myself and placing God above myself again. I am seeking to reconcile with God and the others. As a person, I am also growing towards holiness through such prayers as the Holy Spirit can guide me freely through my love with God. If not, all the sins within me will become obstacles hindering the Holy Spirit from working within me. Even if I want to listen to God's voice, all my sins have come in the form of other voices, clouding God's voice for me.
I will also pray for the others after my confession of sins. Praying for my loved ones and friends is easy. But, Jesus has not just asked us to love our loved ones and friends. We are also called to love our enemies. Praying for people who have stepped on my toes or wronged me in any ways can be very difficult and yet it is essential if I am walking towards holiness. One priest ever told me during confession if I wanted this person who had hurt me deeply to disappear from my life totally, I would have to go to hell after death as this person would also appear in heaven if I still insist on not wanting to see him/her. Harsh but I agreed with what this priest had mentioned. Come to think of it. I must also be aware that I am just as broken as these people who have hurt or wronged me. All of us are struggling, purifying ourselves and going through healing with the help of God. Before I judge the others, I would have to removed the 'wooden beam' in my eyes before other people's 'splints'. That is why my confession of sins come before interceding for the others. How can I pray for the others if I am not right with God? Based on expriences, prayers do transform the hardened hearts. I have seen some people in my life going through transformation with a few of us praying for them. Imagine if I choose the approach of 'an eye for an eye', the fights would be endless and the hatred would be deeper and deeper. Look at the politics and wars around us, be they in churches, offices, between countries, in the families, etc. They come from this 'an eye for an eye' approach towards others, fighting for power and revenging. No matter how I fight, the almighty power is still from God with no constraint within time or space. Instead of such approach, I rather lift the people up to God. Only God will know our hearts the best. Sometimes, I may think that I know the people very well. However, if I look deeper, how much or deep do I really know these people inside? I am not God. People will change. We will never know the hidden potential of the other people. If I don't give these people any opportunities to change, they may not have the chances to change. Sometimes, I may be only called to plant the seeds in them but I may not see the fruits as it may not be God's time yet or these people may need more time to realize things or issues in their lives as they have been blinded for too long and they may have different paces in realization and growth. Only God knows when these seeds will bear fruits. God always work beyond my rational mind. Eversince when Love can be rationalized? If I think I can rationalize love, I am belittling God. If I insist on my way and on how things should work, I am in the danger of playing god and hinder God from working wonders in the lives of the other people and me.
I will always conclude by lifting my whole day to God and asking God to use me as an instrument to share His Love with the others. I am reminding myself I am just a steward in the world. God is the owner. This will help me to keep in mind that when called forth for people or things to be taken away from me during different stages of my life, I have to detach myself from these things and people and let go. If I choose to attach myself to them, I may become possessive and hurt other people and myself to insist on what I want. If I am not careful, it can become so dangerous that when things don't go my way or things and people are taken away from me and I can't accept, I will blame God and choose to kill myself. Temptation comes in many forms to draw me away from God, especially when this world places a lot of emphasis on acculmulating wealth and material wants for myself and appearance and individualism. I know I can be easily drawn to material comfort. Therefore, I have to keep on praying to God that I am just an instrument of God to share love with the others. The people and things that I am blessed with are gifts for me to share His love with the others. Only by sharing, love mulitplies. If I choose to keep this love to myself, it is no longer love but pride for God's love is too magnificent to be kept to oneself. His love is infinite and must be shared to expand the Kingdom of God.
Prayers are essential bridge to God and the others. Without prayers, I will go haywired in life. I thank God for accepting and loving me as a child of God that I can communicate with Him at anytime. When compared with the other people who have not accepted God as their Father, I feel honoured and loved to communicate with Him through prayers. To me, prayers are God's gifts for me to draw me closer to Him for He loves me.
With Love,
Elena
