I am a plate of Rojak

Do you know what rojak is? It is salad dish of mainly pineapple, cucumber, turnip, tau pok (fried beancurd) and you zhar kway (deep-fried dough sticks) freshly mixed in dark prawn paste with sugar with a sprinkle of crushed peanuts (sometimes pre-mixed with the prawn paste). No matter where I go, I feel like a rojak. There are pros and cons depending on how I see things. I am often assigned tasks of diverse nature.

For instance, in church, I could pray like a prayer warrior like what someone had mentioned to me. I could help out at the kitchen washing dishes. If not, I could be selling things. I would mix with both elderly and young people. Good for me in a sense that I enjoyed variety of activities with people of diffferent ages and backgrounds. Not so good in a sense that I hopped around without forming deep friendships as I did not stay long enough for bonds to be strengthened. Well, I have mentioned that I have left the church. But, I did enjoy myself mingling with people despite the politics. I really enjoyed the times when the youths would come to me and confide in me one to one whenever I was doing my own reading. I would always feel very honoured that they gave me the priviledges to listen to them. I wonder how they are getting on now under the new leadership. Really miss the fun in church. Really miss having breakfast in church on every Sunday. Though I am outside church now, I cannot deny that I miss the church. But, due to my nature, I have to stay out in order not to create troubles as I often have troubles fitting into very structured environment. I had done my best to stay out of troubles. Somehow, I will still get into troubles along the way. I have no confidence to stay in church anymore. All I can do is to stay out so that nobody is hurt by me again. I really miss the Eucharistic celebration. During each celebration, no matter how distracted I was, I would always feel that deep sense of peace and joy which no other places could offer. I could really feel Jesus merging as one with me to revitalize me to face the harsh world each time after I had received the communion. That explains why I would feel very angry whenever anyone abused the Eucharist or rushed through the celebration. It is meant to be savoured with delicate taste. Ok, I am out of church liao. No point looking backward. I have to look forward since I have made the decision to get out of it all.

At work, I am a rojak again. I am assigned with a task of coming up with creative presentation for a seminar. Really feel like fainting as my predecessors had set the standrad very high and I have to create something of higher standard. Moreover, I was told that the monster expects much more this time with the fact that she is a perfectionist. Frankly speaking, I am not a creative person. I am only creative when it comes to creating troubles. Other than that, I would not think that I am creative. And yet, time after time, no matter which organization I go to, I am always assigned with some creative jobs. When it comes to admin, I have to do. When it comes to event organization, you see me again. When it comes ot IT, I am in it. When it comes to budget, I am involved too. I think other than washing toilets, you will see me everywhere. I am a plate of rojak again lo. I wonder if it is my nature to be so diversified no matter where I am or what I do. More OT is coming my way. My colleague told me she had to stay till 11pm to finish her work at times. I think I am also going to be no better since most of the roles will be thrown to me. I am not sure I can handle them or not due to my health issue. I guess since the monster is confident in me, I should have some confidence and give my best shot though I know my health and social circle will suffer in the end and I may end up lonely. If I can get through this, I will have a bright future ahead. I am aging and have to work doubly hard to establish my career. I did not have the luxury like most of my other colleagues who could afford to go universities for higher education where they are trained to do higher level of thinking and work. Instead of lamenting and complaining, I have to speed up alot faster learning the skills and working at the same time while trying to meet the unrealistic expectation of the monster. I do not believe in staying within my comfort zone and complaining without doing anything. Change is tough and uncomfortable at first. But it is essential for growth. Personally, I do not respect people who stay within their comfort zones waiting for people to feed them or complaining without trying to improve themselves to overcome the issues. Worse still, some of them even choose to stay in their comfort zones though they know very clearly that those places are no longer meant for them anymore and yet they still hang on to them with all their lives without any courage to face themselves and to move out of them to lead life to the fullest. I will never want such person to be my spouse. I often believe that if I cannot even respect a person, I will bully him if I marry him. If I look down on him in any ways, I rather break away from him and let go of him no matter how much I like him as I can forsee myself looking down on him for the rest of my life if he continues to stay within his comfort zone or complain without improving on himself. I will never change the person with my own will according to what I desire him to be. If he does not change, we will end up in divorce. So far, when I handle relationships, I ask myself if I can accept him as who he is with his flaws. If I can't, I will let go.

Going to have sleepless nights again. Wah lau, I have aged alot because of this job. How can I not age fast? Turning 33 in 2 weeks' time. Sigh! Hopefully, with the start of 33 years old, this new chapter of my life will be better.  Hopefully, I will not die at 33 like Jesus. But, our death is different in a sense that Jesus died in glory for the sins of everyone out of Love while I die in stupidity with exhaustion out of ambition out of slef centeredness. One thing I have learnt is no matter how rojak I can be, I need a home. My niece, nephew and sister have been staying overnight in my house for a few days. I really enjoy them in the house. Somehow, whenever I kiss my baby niece and nephew before I get out of the house for work, I would always feel this sense of security and peace. No matter what, they are only my niece and nephew. I wonder how it would be like if they were my own children. I guess it will be different. From such experience, I have a little sense of home. Home is not just a house as a refuge to go back to after facing the harsh world. It is also a centre of security to anchor a person with a sense of purpose and peace no matter how rojak a person may be.

The other place where I find peace is worshipping places like churches and temples. There is a temple opposite my workplace. I was passing by the temple. Somehow, when I heard the bell gonging, I felt a sense of peace. Out of curiosity, I went in. I could throw the worries outside the temple and manage to quiet my mind for awhile. I really yearn for such break. Before leaving the church, I used to go to church daily to do my reading away from the world after work or when I was unemployed. Not escaping from the world. Rather, the church was a place for my sensitive nervous system and senses to rest. Even being there doing nothing was a joy for me as I could feel more prominently God's presence. Sometimes, some people would come to me for advice. I really felt very fulfilled and peaceful there. It is a great loss for me to lose this place. I am looking for a place for me to enjoy this kind of peace away from the noise of the world.

Ok, have to go back to study my work before I start on those intensive projects. Hurray! I am going for my vocal lesson starting from 13 June onwards to destress myself. People around my age are mostly married. So, I am trying to find ways to do things that I enjoy myself without anyone. Oh, I am also going for my Art Therapy session on this coming Tuesday.  Really need to find outlets to express or vent what is inside me. If not, I will be thrown out of balance like the monster. Her presence is helpful to me as it serves as a reminder to keep myself balanced and not ending up like her if I were to stay single in my 40s.

With Love,
Elena