Mt 23:23-26
Jesus is telling me he looks into my heart. I may be showy about the kind deeds or charity that I have been carrying out. How about my heart? I may also have the danger of trying to prove myself to others that I am a good and holy Christian but my heart is all about myself, bringing glory to myself. I must take care of what is inside; that is my heart where God is. What I mention heart, I am referring to the deepest core self where God dwells. Do I just bypass that heart and do things for my own benefits and gratification? I have seen many people who are active in ministries or in charity work. Sad to say, some of them only have the intention of bringing glory to themselves and trying to prove to others that they are holy. What is in their hearts? Only God knows.
In this morning, through the gospel, Jesus is warning me ‘Blind Pharisee, cleanse first the inside of the cup, so that the outside also may be clean’. In order to truly walk in holiness, it requires one to walk in truth sincerely with the others. It starts from the heart. If the heart is not transformed, no amount of kind deeds or charity done will move me closer to holiness. Instead, these kind deeds or charity done with self centeredness will only lead me to more deception and ultimately, doom. I have been constantly reminded of it as I am surrounded by ‘scribes and Pharisees’. Not that I am judging them. In fact, I am thankful that they are in my life as reminders not to end up like them as I am just as capable of using the poor people or the recipients of my kind deeds or charity as my tools to show others that I am holy. These poor people or recipients of my kind deeds and charity are reduced as objects or tools for my own self centered and I lose sight of Christ in them, focusing on what gain from them instead, i.e. Ego boost, popularity gained from others, ideal image of holiness proven to others, etc.
I always believe that if I do not like certain traits in some people, I may have those very traits lurking somewhere in me. So, when I judge others, I also judge myself. When I learn to be more forgiving and accepting of others, I will also be more forgiving and accepting of myself if anything were to go wrong. In the corporate world, even in church at times, people emphasize on packaging a lot. Even the advertisements or even topics with friends, a lot of emphasis is on the appearance. It is no wonder that more people have neglected what is inside and focus a lot on the appearance while feeling more emptiness inside. People are even willing to go through the pain under the surgical knife for plastic surgery. Being true and sincere nowadays is very rare. If you have such sincere and true people in your lives, treasure them. They are rare gems who dare to be themselves, admitting their vulnerabilities and sins and brokenness instead of putting up false strong, pompous or showy front for others to worship them. Personally, I am blessed to have very few of such gems. Most have passed on. I really treasure the remaining one or two surviving gems in my life now. It comes to my mind if some people are willing to go through the surgical knife for their plastic surgery, why do they not have the courage or awareness to go through the spiritual knife through the Sacrament of Reconciliation to cut the sins or deception off their lives so as to have the radiance from within manifesting out to their appearance? It just puzzles me.
Normally, I work according to people’s working styles. For those people who try to impress and do things for their own self centered benefits, I will advise them once or twice when I forsee things may go wrong. However, if they insist on their ways, I will simply keep quiet and let them learn their lessons. I am not there to prove that I am smarter than them. I also make sure that I do not play God just because I ‘see’ certain things ahead of others at times. I am just doing my best to help. If help is rejected, then I will let go. Currently, the scholar in my workplace is in deep shit. He likes to insist on his ways. Sometimes, he even hinders me from working in my ways and forces me to work his ways which will get him into troubles. He has been trying very hard to cover up his mistakes instead of learning from them and correcting them. Anything not under his care, he simply does not care and insists on his ways even if we have told him it may get us into troubles. He does not share information with us readily and yet he keeps on getting information from us. When it comes to project, he will does his part and go his way. We argued a few times as he does not see how his ways will get him into troubles. I let go of him totally after a few arguments which I see no point in advising or guiding a person if he is so full of himself that there is no space for growth and improvement. He does not learn from his lessons. Now, he has to face his own consequences and fix his problems. I guess for some people, they have to learn in hard ways before they wake up. Hopefully, he will wake up after this major problem that he has to fix.
Ok, I have to go back to my work as I have more reports to write. Cracking my head to justify the costs. I really yearn for a new lifestyle. I am really sick of my life and work. I do not feel fulfilled in my work. So what if I get to do higher level of work? It is not what I want. Still watching ‘Personal preferences’ Korean drama serial to indulge in my romantic fantasy. I may not be called to get married or even be blessed with a boyfriend. I like romance. It is a sweet feeling to be romantically involved and not all people, including myself, may not be blessed with such relationships. So, just indulge in my fantasy to stay balanced and sane from the harsh reality that I am facing. I wonder how it is like to have romantic relationship overseas with a foreigner. It will be novelty filled with surprises and fun. Meanwhile, back to the harsh reality with sharks around to engulf me at anytime.
With Love,
Elena
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