Have just come back from a long walk from lunch break. During this period of time, it is peak period at work again. Have to handle a few projects at the same time. I am working to and fro among a few tasks at the same time, i.e. there are many files opening on my computer screen at the same time. All come with tight deadlines. My brain has to keep shifting and changing among the tasks. As usual, I am depending on caffeine to survive. My migraine keeps on coming back again. Sigh! I was so sick from my migraine that I forgot totally about the Assumption of Mary yesterday and missed the mass last night. I even missed my lunchtime mass and almost forgot my lunch on last Friday. From last Friday onwards, my brain is always dead by the end of each day. Once I am busy with my work, food and God are forgotten, leaving me spiritually and physically hungry without knowing for a period of time until I burn out at the end of my peak period. Sometimes, my brain just could not function at all after work. The monster is getting crazy again. She has shot me with an email on something very minor. I am not sure how to reply her email. Neverthelss, I need to reply her soon as I need to purchase some software for the department. She has been throwing her tantrums around as usual. A few of us have been shot by her. As usual, the scholar is handling only a few things and taking long time to complete them. That explains why I have most bulk of the work whenever he complains that he is busy. Nowadays, my attitude towards him sucks. I try not to as this is not a way to treat anyone. But, he is getting on my nerves. I am fighting for time to complete many things at the same time and yet the meeting drags because it takes longer time for him to see the association of things. Worse still, he tries to argue he is right. I have to shut him up most of the time. If you are stupid, admit lah. What's wrong with being stupid? Why argue for the sake of acting to be smart? If you admit you do not know certain things, people can teach you instead of arguing to appear to be smart. I did confess to Fr JJ about my impatience towards the scholar and my attitude. See, I repeat my sin. I have to remind myself that Jesus knew much more than me and yet never for once, he was ever arrogant or boastful or kept things meant to be shared to himself.
Have reflected on a blog entry by Fr Ron. I admit I tend to be harsh with my words at times even if things are true. Well, I am still learning not to be too harsh. By being righteous does not mean that I have the rights to be harsh. Righteousness should come with compassion. If the Spirit of Love does not accompany righteousness, I can become self righteous without mercy. I know I have the tendency to be impateint with people who are slower than me and sound harsh with them at times. Those are the times when I sin with my words where I may sound verbally abusive. I need to constantly remind myself that I have flaws like everyone. Just as God is patient with me, I must be patient with everyone else. I have also met many people, especially the priests' pets, to be abusive with their words. Their words really cut you to the core from their mouths beneath that in the name of God, Holiness, etc. I have also heard about how some of them use words as weapons to slander, spread rumours, accuse and frame others in the name of doing charity, protecting priests, God, etc. for their hidden agendas or benefits. These are the overlays where one has to be careful and discern if the people involved are giving the right information or truth. Such overlays will easily hurt the victims of the gossips, rumours, slanders, etc. Personally, at work or in church or even in my personal social circle, I do not like to listen to others blindly without finding out the truth about the victims. Based on experience, most victims are innocent and I become their good friends until I leave the places. They are not as bad as they have deemed to be. It's just that most of the time, the people who do not agree with him/her magnifies his/her flaws. I have even managed to help them start anew somehow. Even if the person is bad in some ways, does it mean that I have to condemn him/her? I can only try my best to be friends with him/her and advise and encourage him/her. Other than that, it is up to his/her free will to do what he/she wants in his/her life.
Ok, I have to go back to my work. Still praying to see if I have a chance to study. The career fair was disappointing as I could not find any resources on psychology. I am still stuck. Personally, I am still studying my Art Therapy book. I am now moving on to depression topic. Psychology always fascinates me as it seems to be mysterious. When combined with Theology, the synergy is powerful and limitless. Psychology is the scientific way of studying individual while Theology is the language of the mystery of Love. When combining them, it gives a more comprehensive and deeper insight into the creation of God and God as the Creator, Himself. That is why I have always wanted to study psychology. As for Theology, I can always read more spiritual materials since I won't have any opportunities to go for higher studies on that as I am neither a religious sister nor priest. So far, for theology, I have managed to gain insight through readings and meditation and even through nature ,and confirmed by further readings and talks from priests and spiritual writers that I am on the right track. As for psychology, I really hope to specialize in it so that I can combine it with theology as a profession of a psychologist to help others directly not just in psychological arena but also spiritual one. Normally, I feel most fulfilled whenever I have managed to help or guide others to get out of their ruts or see new direction. I believe study should be lifelong. I love to study. People keep on thinking that I am a university student as I always carry a book around. Not for show. But, I love studying what I enjoy. Better still, what I have been studying helps others in any small ways. Being smart is no big deal. I am not here to show off as there are many more people in the world smarter than me. Rather, I hope to impart or share all that I know with the others for others to further elaborate or express these ideas for the good of others even if nobody knows I come up with the ideas. Ultimately, the owner of every idea and thing is God.
With Love,
Elena
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