It was mummy’s death anniversary yesterday. She has gone for 13 years. I did not spend yesterday alone. I went for jogging as usual. God has been kind. I did not see any church pets around. Whenever they are around, I always feel very uneasy. So far, I have been jogging peacefully without any disturbance. My jogging sessions are always my quiet time with God. After the jog, my friend spent her whole day with me. We went on a shopping spree. We needed to get some office clothes like pants. The cost of living is rising at an unreasonable rate. You know what? The bus fares are going up by 2 cents in October. I simply do not know how to survive here. Sometimes, I do think that I might as well be a religious sister where all my needs are provided while I reach out to people. My main mission here on earth has been reaching out to others. Besides, if I get into certain orders, I may even have opportunities to go for further studies overseas, giving me the opportunities to reach out to people beyond my country. However, I do not think that is a healthy and appropriate way of approaching matters. When I was discerning with my spiritual director in an order, I did have chance to mingle with some sisters. Somehow, I could sense that some sisters were very unhappy within. In fact, some of them carried grudges and anger in their hearts wherever they went. Once again, some other sisters confirmed that I was right about these sisters. How do they reach out to others with love and touch others’ hearts if other people may sense their anger and grudges within? Ultimately, my spiritual director went to Africa for missions. I was placed under another spiritual director. I gave up my discernment as religious life was not for me and I could sense the wall that the spiritual sister had within her. And, I left. So, now, I am struggling to survive outside. Poor people like us can only buy clothes when there are sales. Do not be surprised that the suppliers can still earn profits after slashing the prices by half.
My friends either have gone or are going to study. How about me? I am still wandering around. I really do not know how to finance the studies. Studying overseas which I am dreaming of is out of the question. So, I am looking at Marketing course from University of Buffalo or Psychology course from James Cook University which are in Singapore. Marketing course is out as there is only full time course. So, I am looking at University of James Cook University in Singapore. I really can’t believe that the fees are exorbitant and the government does not have support the studies at private university at all. I am still hanging in the air as I do not have the luxury to have anything to fall back on like my friends. If they can’t pay for the fees, their parents assure them or have given them some money to study. For me, dream on. So, here, I am stuck in my current workplace where my RO told me I simply cannot fit in and I am not suitable for the job. Well, I just take it as a training ground for me to improve on my weak areas. Very tough but I still need the income to survive though I am unhappy daily. The worst thing is I still have to handle the temperamental monster who accuses her subordinates most of the time and the scholar on whom the government has dumped much money to groom him for him to shirk his responsibility and mistakes to me and keep information to himself while trying to get more from people and acting smart. Sometimes, when I look at the scholar, I can’t help it but angry that why the government bothers to dump so much money on such person who is not smart and tries to act smart without integrity and sense of responsibility. I really regret I did not study hard. If not, my life could have been different. I do not have problems scoring in school if I try to concentrate and my grades tend to be higher than most friends. Well, so what? All these friends are going further in careers with higher educational level and I am happy for them. I am still stuck. My ex-lecturer ever told me he was worried for me as I seemed to be stuck. Actually, I am sorry to have broken my promise made in front of my mummy’s casket that I would get into university by 21 years old. Now, I am already 33 years old and I still have not got in.
I am not sure if I should just resign to ‘fate’ and drift along in life, just like some people I know in life. It may be the easiest way to drift along in life. Some people I know drift along in life are more blessed than me as they are always accompanied by their pets and loved ones and do not have to worry about their survival. Some can even go to prestigious clubs to play golf or in the high end gym without earning a single cent. Some even have pets driving them around to eat at high end restaurants and some pets or loved ones even buy them gadgets like iPad. Some even study overseas without coming up a single cent. I also want such life. If I were them, even if I were unhappy or feel miserable within, I would not leave my comfort zone. Like what I have mentioned, I ever wanted to be a religious sister. Part of it why I drew out was because of my character. If I become a sister, I can forsee that I become arrogant, showing people how holy I am in my habit, glorifying myself instead of bringing glory to God. I may manipulate people who are rich and influential to get what I want. I may even form ‘holy elite’ groups to empower my pets with power to cause divisions and I become ‘slave’ to them to do what please them even if they are not right with God. I see some people doing that now. Instead of doing what is right with God, they do what pleases these people who can support them in any ways. Some have denied that they do not stick to any places and people but you always see them going back to the places and meeting these people often long after they have left the places. What does it imply? These pets and supporters are often the people who follow them day and night or support them with money. How can a person grow mature in faith if these people keep on ‘pampering’ him at such unhealthy level? When I saw all these things happening, I asked myself if I wanted to live in ‘luxury’ manipulating people as a religious sister or I should continue to grow mature in faith and go according to the guidance of the Holy Spirit outside to reach out to more people outside church. If you ask me now if I ever regret not getting into religious life as my life outside is tougher, I can answer you with a definite ‘No’, especially after I have seen how some people do not seem to grow much spiritually and try to manipulate others to get what they want, such as, money, status, fame, accompany, etc.
However, I should also mention that not all people manipulate people and want easy lives through religious life and priesthood. I do admire people like Mother Theresa who lived among the poor and be part of them, my spiritual director who is serving in the poor area of Africa, Fr Albert Renkens who dared to be himself and questioned certain issues which no other priests have the courage to address on though I do not agree with all his views, Fr JJ from IHM who has been a priest from a very young age and never fails to be in the confessional and touch people through his gentleness and humility through the Sacrament of Reconciliation whenever he can, etc. These people convince me that Jesus is true through their loving sacrifices. These people often do not complain about their suffering and sacrifices. In fact, they are humble enough to admit their mistakes and vulnerability that I feel myself to be at the same level as them instead of them above me. I always feel at ease with these people though they also have their own flaws as human beings. They are blessings to me for me to ‘see’ Christ more clearly. Reading the lives of the saints can inspire us. But these readings can only stay at the head level as we do not have direct contact with them. Often, the people who touch us are the very people in our lives who have made sacrifices in their lives, not necessarily priests. Often, I feel that some people have fixed minds that only priests have tough times in their priesthood and they are holy. To me, anyone can be holy as long as they obey God even if it goes against the norms and people. Some priests may even live much better off than the people outside. So, I do not understand why some people idolize priests. We have to be thankful to anyone who makes sacrifices and suffers to love but never idolize them as if they are God.
I am glad that God has sent me people who simply drift along in life and continue to use people as tools for their luxury and comfort and even ego boost. I am sorry to admit that I look down upon them in my heart but pity them at certain level as they will never experience very deeply what true love is all about. At most, if they are intellectual, God stays in their heads. I pity them for staying within their comfort zones that they deprive of themselves to get their faith stretched and grow mature in their spiritual lives. Often, you realize that they complain a lot about their suffering and even magnify it. They want attention to themselves often. When they are called forth to go through suffering or go to places where they do not want to go, they will complain a lot and emphasize on their suffering and get others to sympathize with them. Often, when reaching out, they do not have much compassion and tend to be harsh on people who do not do things according to what they like or think. If not, they reach out to others with compassion but they make sure others know about it. These people are constant reminders to me that I should not end up like them. I can never imagine what kind of cold monster I become if I follow their footsteps.
Yes, life outside church is tough with no support from anyone. I do grow as a person. I see Christ everywhere I go and do not confine God within a church building. I feel proud to earn my own money for my recreation, things, etc. without manipulating or depending on anyone for my comfort and luxury. At least, I do not have to act holy and be ‘slave’ to others to get what I want or need. I would expect my future spouse to be a strong man who has the courage to go through hardship and earn money for the family and himself. I seriously will never want a spouse who uses others as tools to get what he wants or to depend on others for their material wants and needs. I am here to serve God and not to be God. Even Jesus had never once, in his life, expected anyone to worship him as God. I am grateful that at the age of 33, I have learnt all these issues and strived to be true to God and others. According to my observation, once I hit 40 and never realize these issues and simply drift along in life using others as tools while covering up with my seemingly holy acts and words, there is nothing much I can change but to act according to what others want and simply drift along in life unless I have the courage and great love to make drastic changes to my life or even to my vocation according to God’s guidance. It requires a great leap of faith. How many people actually have the guts and love to do so for God and the love of the people around?
Well, everyone has his own will to choose how he wants to walk his life journey. For me, I am also finding out more about opening restaurants or cafeterias and see if there are any opportunities and start planning and saving up. If not, I am also finding out if I can get any sponsorship or financial assistance to study in James Cook University in Singapore. I have always wanted to study psychology and be a psychologist as there is a increase in the demand in that field. I can help to guide people to the right track and help them enriching their lives according to who they are after being equipped ith skills and intelligence from the university. Now, people still come to me for advice, be it family matters, health problems, marriages, child bearing issues, etc. I can only guide them minimally as I am still not trained in that area. Somehow, I still manage to guide them in some ways or out of their vex with the wisdom from God. But, my pay simply can’t keep up with the rising prices of so many things in Singapore, not to mention about saving up for studies. It seems to be a dead end. Maybe, my friends are right. Maybe, it is because I am smart, God does not bless me with easy money from parents or friends or pets and I will have creative ways to survive in the society. True to certain extent after much observation. You throw me anywhere, even in a very hostile environment, I still survive till now. If you throw some people who get easy money from people into such environment, they will give up and break down. But, being smart does not mean I am God. I do get tired of such drastic changing environment at times. My faith does get stronger through such environment as I have no pets, parents or anyone to fall back on most of the time. I can only make do with whatever I have and trust that God will provide me with more resources and people whenever I need. I am living on the edge. Ok, exciting roller coaster life.
Have to earn more money. Have been going to site visit to venues where the rich people enjoy with exorbitant high membership fees. I really enjoy the yacht trip. I need to work harder to get what I need and want. Of course, while getting what I want with my own hands, I also must not forget the less fortunate. Whenever opportunity comes, just reach out and help. I do not have to be in any ministries and appear to other people that I am holy. Only God knows. I no longer care what some people think. They can continue to drift along in life and act holy through their acts and words announced to the others and use people as tools for their wants and needs. At least, for me, when it is time to meet the Lord, I can meet him as my naked self without any guilt or misery. At least, I dare to be true to people without hiding any feelings or issues. I feel free. Now, I have to see where the Lord is leading me to and to depend on faith with my limited resources.
With Love,
Elena
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