Have started going back to my church. I had a very 'shiok' Eucharistic celebration with the community. I felt welcome back to church. As usual, I was sitting with this family whom I am comfortable with. As usual, I had my breakfast in church before the mass. The feeling was so free without disturbance. I had a nice chat with some parishinoers, finding out what they are working as. It was a nice experience to be back to church after missing (pun) Sunday masses for so many months to a year. The next direction is I need to discern where I should serve. Since I have just gone back to church, I need to spend more time with God and wherever He calls me to, I will serve there.
I met up with my church friend after mass. I was quite irritated as she started to talk about the person I name as A. She told me a group of them wanted to bid A farewell before he left and they found out which Sunday mass he was in before he left. Then, my friend and she did not go. Only his fan and her family went. Actually, I was going to tell her I was not interested in what A is doing with all his fans and other women. I just can't be bothered. He is neither my boyfriend nor my spouse. Why do they have to report to me what they are doing with him? My friend was either out to make me jealous that she could go and see him but had chosen not to or just tried to tell me how fanatic his fans were. Either way, I am simply not interested. I am just sick of this whole fans club issue.
Deep down, I know I am disgusted with A and his fans. I have even deleted his blog link from my favorites. I wonder if he knows that his exclusive leadership style has caused the women to fight against one another because of him. I am simply sick of seeing such scenes. I remember I was suffering from a trauma and my church friends were comforting me as I was in shock. Guess what his fan did. She went on and on about the crucifix that A had given her while the rest of them did not listen to her, trying to comfort me. That was how ridiculous and abnormal his fans could be in obsessing with him. When the other fan of his wanted to join in a particular church group, this fan of his bad mouthed her and refused to allow her to join the group. The other fans like the ones who visited him during his last Sunday mass here are more ridiculous. It is obvious that she is obsessed with him. She even stopped me from mingling with his closer pets when his closer pets wanted to join me for breakfast after jogging. A few of his fans warned me to stay away from him and emphasized he was disgusted with me and yet they stick to him day and night, even following him when he was exercising. A good Christian will never divide. He/She will try to help others to reconcile or even tries to corect him/her if necessaryb to walk closer to God and serve together for the good of others. Obviously, these fans of his enjoy hoarding him with hidden agendas. I do not blame the fans entirely for this. He has a part in it. He allows them to hoard him. If I were to follow him, he would shout at me and abuse me verbally. As for them, he would never shout at them. In fact, he enjoys them following him wherever he goes. He has double standards in doing things. It is so obvious that they have hidden agendas in sticking with him and yet he has never scolded them and even enjoys them sticking with him day and night. Guess what is the difference between them and me. I am poor and not as capable as them to play politics. As for them, they are rich aunties who do not have to work but to accompany him day and night. Some of them can even provide him with resources and money for his projects and even comfort. They boost his ego. The worst thing is most of them prevent others from going close to him and forming true friendships. They even fight against one another to gain favour from him. Their fighting style is like his leadership style. They choose people in their elite group. Anyone who fails can never go near him and he will be nasty towards them. For his fans, he will stick with them day and night even if he knows they have hidden agendas. This will only cause fights and divisions in the community.
Anyway, I look down upon them deep within. Yes, even A even though I love him. He is not responsible with his words and actions. He kept on coming back to my church or hang around the area near my church despite him being sent to somewhere else to serve and after I had told him I could feel his presence if he kept on hanging around the area. Why? The fans are crazy about him here. He needs their attention and resources for his projects and comfort. I am sorry to say that I am disgusted with him deep within though I have tried my best to encourage and comfort him as a friend. I have seen how he flirted with them and some of them even described to me how he got their attention. They tend to have the tendency to use the name of God to do charity work or reach out. But, when looking at a deeper level, they form this elite group to boost each other's ego. See how they treat people outside the group and you will know what I am trying to say. Anyway, I am blessed that God has always protected me from A. A does not dare to own his feelings and behaviour. All he does is escape. He is a coward to me. That is why I have never looked up to him as my role model. He is far from it. He justifies things and lies alot to appear holy and protect himself very well. For his blog, he will try all ways to prove how he has done his well in his role and upkeep his holy image. Is that true? Only he knows. I can't even imagine him in charge of a big place. I can forsee more divisions if he still leads in that way. More fights in church, especially women who are crazy over him. His uniform has become hindrance for him from touching more people though his eloquence has touched many people. It has become his ego boost. Fortunately, most people do not know him well enough. So, his eloquence and show can inspire these people towards holiness. Good in a way to draw some people who do not know him well closer to church.
I will never want such person to be my spouse. We will end up in divorce. If a person does not even own his feelings and behaviour and leads women on for his own purposes and hidden agendas, he will never be responsible for big things and his family. I am really not interested in his affairs with them. I hope they will stop these nonsense. These nonsense will only add on to the disgust I have already had towards them and him. I do pity them to a certain extent as they survive on such petty and superficial matters. Fans' hearts will change. Once they have found another idols, you will be out of the picture. Once you are not their idealized image, you will be condemned. See if they stand by you if you are married. They will condemn you like you have murdered. For the fans, can he marry you? Are you here to idolize God or a man? Sometimes, I really wonder why these married women who have their spouses at home have chosen to accompany this idol day and night. Don't they feel ashamed of themselves? I pity their husbands. These women are even jealous of the other women when their idol gets close to these other women. Aiyo. I just do not understand what this is all about. It is like concubines fighting for king's favour and liking. How old are they? Still playing such games? I would not be surprised if some of them follow him all the way to where he is now. He will definitely enjoy the company. I really find it disgusting they use the name of the God to do charity work as elite group on one hand and yet hurt others whom they do not like or worse still, they fight against other people who seem to be close to their idol on the other hand.
I really treasure the peace and friendships I have with the others in church. I am also trying to improve my friendships with some priests here. I will never ever want to be involved with the concubine fights. They can have him to themselves and he can continue his luxurious life of leading women on and following him day and night. If they disturb me again, they will really get it. I hope they will behave themselves appropriately, especially in church. I do not need such irresponsible coward to be my role model. I am angry not because I am not his pet. I am angry because I have seen for myself for years the mess he has created and left behind each time after he has left a place. If he continues his ways, he will only sin more while serving in his uniform. I will leave him to his pets to take care of him. Anyway, he only allows them into his world. I have done more than enough liao and I have to stop being cruel to myself. I also deserve to be loved as a child of God. A has never cared about my feelings and well being. I strongly trust God for protecting me from his pets and him and God has sent him away from for me to start anew with my church friends here. I strongly believe if I am called to be married, He will bless me a man of strong faith who loves me as who I am and protects me from harm. God knows my desire deep within. I do not have to fight like cats and dogs like his pets to gain favour. What I look for is someone who really loves me as part of himself and never leaves me. As for A and his pets, they can continue to hug one another for the rest of their lives. I just do not wish to get involved with their affairs. Here, I am starting anew with my friends in church. At least, God loves me so much that He chooses to send him faraway for me to start anew with the people here. All I want now is to work with the people here for the good of the others.
WIth Love,
ELena
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