I took leave yesterday to settle my spiritual life. I decided to go back to church after my loved one has left as I am assured that I am not one of his fans to lure him back to our church and hoard him. I do not want to lead him to sin. I am not helping him by keeping on luring him back to church more often like his pets as his time should have been spent on his own people where he was sent to serve. For the first time, I really feel free that I do not sense his presence lurking around that area and I was free to roam around my own church. I had a good confession with my priest. As I had not gone for confession for one year, he prepared me well for the confession, encouraging me not to be ashamed and scared of my sins. He listened to my confession attentively and welcome me back to the church. That was how I had a nice start going back to church with my grandpa priest welcoming me back. He told me he missed me sitting right in front of him during masses. A few parishioners talked to me and welcome me back. They asked me why I had disappeared. I just told them I was very busy and it is the right time to go back to church now. No sarcastic remarks from anyone. As usual, my loved one's pet came to me, talking to me. I was quite blessed that I was talking to another parishioner that she could not talk too much to me. I had my first communion after not receiving it for many months to a year. The feeling is damn shiok. I really felt I belonged to a community. I know God looks into my heart and knows I have been wanting to go back to my community. Due to some reasons of not wanting to sin like those pets, I avoided going back. So, here, I am back to my own church again. As usual, I joined those aunties to exercise. Now, I have to discern where to serve. Thinking of RCIA and youth ministry. My strength is in sharinng so far. But, I need to see where God is leading me to.
My focus will be on my community now. For my loved one, I have decided to let him go. I think he needs his pets, status, holy image, limelight on the stage, comfortable life more than me. He does truly serve. But, on the other hand, most of the time, he does not practise what he preaches. He mentioned about not attaching to things and people and yet I had to leave my church for quite some time because he kept on reminding his pets with his presence by keeping on coming back to my church often. He might or might not realize that he was not helping his pets to grow with the priests and other people in my church. Sometimes, his pets even fought against each other just to gain his favour which I saw with my own eyes. I guess he was insecure about his pets forgetting him. People like him should get married. The kind of attention and care he needs can never come from a community and the women around him, especially the married ones. Some of them did not even dress appropriately at times. The kind of attention and care that he needs should come from a spouse. He has got himself stuck with certain people at very unhealthy level. God has been sending him signals that it is time to leave these people and focus on serving people wherever he goes by sending him further and further away from his pets. Doesn't he realize that? But, he will never do so even if he realizes that as he is too comfortable with his life inside and sticking to these pets. He can still continue to justify why he is inside and what he has been doing. But, when one really looks at the behaviour, one would know that he knows he cannot survive outside which is why he has to stay inside no matter what. Anyway, what can he do if he is out? I should get worried more about myself. At least, he does not need to earn a single cent for his living and can even enjoy material comforts and wants from the others throughout his life. Waht he needs is not higher education as intellectually, he is already there. What he needs is true experience of suffering and sacrifices and his deep needs to be filled. I doubt if he ever knows what hardship is as he was born rich and has been pampered by his pets though he does sacrifice in his own little ways but not deep enough for his growth. By pampering him, he is not going to grow much. Personally, I think that he will grow much deeper in faith and love if he is married as he will get the attention and care that fills his needs deep within from a spouse and he will experience what sacrifices mean when he earns a living and brings his own children up and set up his own family out of Love. I am quite blessed that he is not my spouse as I do not think he is capable of hardship outside. Not looking down upon him. Just a fact. For him, his pets are more than enough. For the past few years, I have done more than enough for him. I even had to leave my own church despite misunderstanding from people. I know I am silly as he has never loved me and considered my feelings. All he wanted was to keep on going back for his pets for his own feelings and benefits. He only cares about his holy image. He does not even dare to own his feelings and behaviour. He simply loves himself more than anyone and protects himself very well. I will leave him to his pets to take care of him. I will start life anew in my church and focus on helping out as much as I can until he comes back for his pets.
Ok, my close friend is giving me pressure now. She wants to see me. She claimed that she is diagnosed with cancer at initial stage. I am not sure if I should see her. I am really afraid I will be affected by her mood as she has been suicidal. I am not sure if I can cope with her. I used to have my guy friend to handle her with me. Now, I am alone. I am not sure if I should see her. For many years, I simply do not know what to do with her. I am feeling helpless. Have to pray and discern what I should do with her, especially when she is so sensitive now.
Enough of my sharing here. Recently, I have been busy watching 'You are beautiful' Korean drama series. That is when I indulge into the romantic side of me before I go out into the world with my strong front. This modern fairy tale describes three male characters liking one female leading character. The leading female and male characters love each other and yet they keep on misunderstanding each other while the second male character likes and protects the female character silently. I identify more with the female leading character though my friend told me I reminded her of the male leading character who was bad tempered and obsessed with cleanliness and naughty. I identified more with the female leading character as we are both silly in romantic affairs and we are Catholics. She also did all she could to comfort, encourage, be there for him. Do all women become stupid when it comes to love? She still did that for him even though she thought he loved the other woman. Her feelings describe exactly how I am feeling now especailly the songs sung in the show. She went through hell keeping all feelings and hurt to herself especially when she saw him going out closely with another woman day and night and even kissed that woman in front of her. That woman went all out to hurt this female leading character. The song describes you rather pretend not see that he is looking at you, you pretend not to hear anything, etc. But, she is much better off than me as the male leading character truly loved her and protected her and was with her to go through thick and thin with her no matter what even though he used to be nasty towards her. I still have not finished watching it. I guess she would marry this man in the end. This is how I am indulging into my own romantic fantasy before I leave my room to face the harsh reality that such man will never exist in the world. I am still praying for a chance to study Psychology. I really do not like my job now. No sense of fulfillment at all. I am still studying my Art Therapy textbook on Schizophrenia topic now. I really yearn to study. Am I going to be stuck in this job forever?
With Love,
Elena
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