My new life begins with the confirmation of departure of a loved one. I think it is more effective for me to reach out to my cburch when he is not around. My new church life begins today. I know more to come and the kind of issues I have to handle. I am prepared for it. I have left for many months and people may be wondering where I have gone to. I can't be bothered. I have been thinking of going back. After the person has left and I am assured that he is in another country, I can go back to church at ease. Time to have spiritual inputs from priests other than my daily prayers and meditation on the gospels. Time to go back for a good confession and start anew.
I was taking a long walk along Shenton Way just now. After the walk, my mind was clear and I could hear the prompting of going back to my church deep within. I know people have misunderstood me. I just want to go back to serve. It no longer matters what those people think. I am more concerned about some people inside. I know it is still messy inside with people trying to impress priests and all the power struggles. I do not care a damn thing about it. If I want to climb up the ladder, I rather do it in my corporate world. What is the point of winning the broken people and be up there? It will only show that I am more broken than them. I miss some of them inside. Basically, my heart has been there as I have friends there. I grow with some of them though I tend to be quiet. Many people have been kicked out. I am not going to let this happen for the people with hidden agendas to kick out all the people who really want to serve. I believe with prayers, God will intervene. I need to discern which area I can serve creatively. Hopefully, I can contribute in my own small ways. By reaching out and understanding people, if I have a chance to study psychology at James Cook University, it will help me in my studies. Then, I can reach out more efficiently and effectively to people's hearts in the future.
I am going to watch a show with my youth friend at Cineleisure Orchard later. That is my way of journeying with her. We will share our lives and reflections through movies. Sometimes, she would ask me some spiritual matters. People, no matter how young they are, how disabled they, how disordered they are, they want to be heard with love and respect. Not like our parents' era where children were only expected to listen and not have any voice. All these voices, no matter how vulnerable, have got lessons to teach us. Well, all of us are disabled in some ways or disordered in some points of our lives. I have spoekn to my RO about the scholar who has been giving me a lot of problems because of his protective defense and low self esteem and self centeredness. I told my RO he is also good in certainthings. It's just that I really have problems with him and I do not wish to look down upon him and continue to argue with him. I told my RO I did not mind her telling him that I was the person who raised this issue with her. I asked her how she could talk to him. If not, he will continue to hinder our work and we continue to argue. That does not work in the long run. I am a practical person. I will deal with the issue directly. I Even told my RO I have spoekn to him before. But, he still insisted on his ways. Now, I am turning to my RO for help. She knows I am not complaining about him but I need this to be solved. She also cannot do much after our discussion. I will have to see how I can curb my frustration.
Nevertheless, God is really good. He knows my heart. He knows that I have been wanting to go back to church. Now, I am ready to serve in my church without hindering anyone from serving or leading my loved one to sin! Hurray!
With Love,
Elena
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